


Chu Lai Beach

by My_Trex_has_fleas



Category: Poldark - All Media Types, Return to Treasure Island (TV 1996)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vietnam, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Vietnam War, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2018-08-17 01:24:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 232,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8125126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Trex_has_fleas/pseuds/My_Trex_has_fleas
Summary: Ross Poldark hates himself. He is lost, unable to come to terms with what his future holds. He enlists for a year's tour, expecting that it will either kill him or bring him to a realisation. He did not anticipate that it would open up his eyes to a whole other life that could possibly be his.





	1. Fortunate Son

**Author's Note:**

> 54th Medical Detachment  
> Dustoff 51  
> C/W4 John ‘LJ’ Silver – AC (Aircraft Commander) Call Sign: Motor City  
> C/W3 James ‘Hawk’ Hawkins – Call Sign: West Coast  
> C/W2 James ‘Flint’ McGraw – Crew Chief  
> WO Benjamin ‘Benny’ Gunn – Medic
> 
> 91st Evacuation Hospital  
> Capt. Ross Poldark – ER Surgeon  
> Lt. Demelza Carne – ER Nurse  
> Capt. Dwight Enys – ER Surgeon  
> Capt. George Warleggan – ER Surgeon  
> Lt. Caroline Penvenen – ER Nurse
> 
> Glossary  
> WO – Warrant Officer  
> CW – Chief warrant Officer  
> AC – Aircraft Commander  
> Hooch – Accommodation unit. Usually made from clapboard with no windows and single storey  
> R & E – Recovery and Evacuation  
> USO – United Service Organisation  
> PX – Post Office Exchange  
> Bird – helicopter  
> Medevac – helicopter ambulance  
> Stinger – 116th Assault helicopter  
> Snake – helicopter gunship usually a Cobra  
> Dustoff – helicopter ambulance call sign  
> Grunt – Infantry soldier  
> Cherry – new soldier (usually hasn’t been shot yet)  
> LRRP – long range reconnaissance patrol

_November 1969_

  
_Some folks are born made to wave the flag_  
_Ooh, they're red, white and blue_  
_And when the band plays "Hail to the chief"_  
_Ooh, they point the cannon at you, Lord_  


  
_It ain't me, it ain't me, I ain't no senator's son, son_  
_It ain't me, it ain't me; I ain't no fortunate one, no_  


It was the heat that stunned him.

It was almost physical, like walking into a wall of humidity and an almost insane temperature that had the sweat trickling down underneath his uniform even as he walked down the steps from the Pan American flight that had brought him over from the States to Da Nang.

A WO approached him, saluted and checked a clipboard in his hands.

‘Captain Ross Poldark?’

Ross nodded and saluted back.

********

They put him on another plane barely an hour after he’d touched down. Ross was used to the less frenetic pace of Army life stateside, having just finished his six months training in Fort Houston before being shipped out.

It had been a bizarrely easy decision, to put his life on hold and sign up for three years of volunteer service in the Medical Corps. He knew that there was a severe shortage of medical personnel and that, coupled with his personal circumstances, had been enough to have a talk with a few people and in no time at all he’d been in receipt of orders to report for duty.

Ross had been a little anxious about the actual military part of his training but it turned out that he was a natural, taking to the strict discipline and somewhat crazy way things were conducted like he’d been born to it. He could have told anyone that being born into the Poldark medical dynasty had prepared him for pretty much anything.

That wasn’t quite true of course. Nothing had prepared him for the reason he was running away from everything a sane man would be more than thankful for and into a war that his parents not only passionately disagreed with, but also abandoning his fiancée for the foreseeable future.

He’d never taken the easy path. He could have been sitting this all out, comfortable in a cardiology residency at Boston General along with his father, uncle and cousin and future father-in-law. Instead Ross had chosen emergency medicine, the trauma room giving him a feeling accomplishment that all the opportunities his charmed life had bought him could not compare with. His father had been appalled but had accepted it because it was still medicine, even if he considered it to be a poor choice of career. But then Ross had announced on the 4th of July at the Poldark family barbeque that he had volunteered himself into the U.S. Army.

That had not gone down well. It had taken four hours to get Elizabeth through her hysterics.

Ross shifted in his seat and looked out the window of the smaller Army transport plane. His orders were for the 91st Evacuation Hospital at a place called Chu Lai. He’d tried to find it on a map but been told that it hadn’t even existed prior to the war. It had literally grown up out of the ground, planted there as the Army had moved in. The flight was going to take a couple of hours and he wanted to sleep after the gruelling flight from the U.S. which had stopped first in Hawaii, then Guam and finally the Philippines to refuel. His seatmate had been another young physician, set to be sent south to Saigon. They had chatted companiably until the other man had fallen asleep. Ross couldn’t even remember what his name was.

He looked out the window, seeing nothing below him but green and blue as they flew up the eastern coast. Chu Lai had its own airfield and they would be landing there and then he was headed straight for the hospital and his first night in Vietnam, two silver bars on his shoulder and absolutely no idea what to expect. He did have a whole new skill set now. He knew how to field strip and fire an M16, how to treat bullet trauma and keep a man from dying if he’d been subject to high velocity shrapnel. He knew how to drink, how to bounce cigarettes and how to do his own laundry. Now if he could only work on figuring out how the fuck he was going to come to terms with what had driven him halfway across the world, things would be fine and dandy.

The plane bounced a little, skirting some unseen turbulence and Ross sucked in a sharp breath. The C-123 was fairly empty and he was alone in the bank of seats. At least he was until someone dropped into the seat next to him. Ross looked at his new companion, a man not much older than himself by the looks of things. He smiled, his blue eyes friendly.

'Dwight Enys.’ he said and held out a hand. Ross’ manners kicked in and he took the offered hand and shook it.

‘Ross Poldark.’ he replied, then clocked the two silver bars on Dwight’s shoulders. ‘At least we don’t have to salute each other.’ Dwight smiled.

‘You Med Corps?’ he asked and Ross nodded.

‘91st Evac.’ he replied and Dwight’s smile took on a relieved bent.

‘Thank God, it’s not just me.’ he said, visibly relaxing in his seat. ‘Where’d you do your residency?’

‘Massachusetts General.’ Ross replied. ‘You?’

‘Gallinger.’ Dwight replied. ‘I’m a D.C. boy.’ He sat back in his seat. ‘So what do you think awaits?’

‘No idea.’ Ross replied. ‘I hadn’t quite thought this far ahead.’

‘You volunteered?’ Dwight asked and Ross nodded. ‘Damn. I’m on the Berry programme.’ He smiled again and Ross decided that he quite liked Dwight and his open earnest face. ‘Good way to get in when you’re a poor boy like me.’ Ross felt a twinge. He always did when he thought about how easy his life had been. Being the son of a prominent surgeon and a rich society beauty had given him an enviable upbringing.

They chatted for the remainder of the flight, exchanging ER stories and talking about what they expected to find on the other side. By the time they landed, Ross knew that he did indeed like Dwight very much. He was not just friendly but intelligent and sympathetic and it made Ross feel infinitely better knowing that there was at least one person he’d have to talk to. He fervently hoped they would be bunked together.

The transport plane banked and came in over a sweep of brilliant white beach and even whiter domed airfield buildings and Ross looked out over what would be his new home for the next twelve months. It was less prepossessing than he’d expected, looking more like a military camp than an established base.

They came in to land and the plane thumped down on the hard packed strip then rolled to a stop. Ross and Dwight waited until they were motionless and then got up. They collected their bags and headed out into the blinding sunshine. The dust beneath their feet was bright white and it floated up on a shimmering wave of hot air around them. Like him, Dwight wore the same uniform of neatly pressed drab fatigues and cap and the heavy material did nothing to alleviate the heat. Ross knew he’d be a sweaty mess by the time they actually got to where they were going.

A Warrant Officer with a scowl met them and ushered then into a jeep. There some other people on the transport but they were headed in a different direction. The WO got the engine going and they pulled off, riding along the side of the airfield and headed towards the ocean. The jeep moved quite fast and Ross, perched in the back with their seabags and other gear, held onto his cap to stop it flying off. The WO was pointing things out as they passed and as they got to the end of the airfield they drove by a line of Hueys, separated by sandbags. Ross noted the red crosses painted on their noses below the plexiglass windscreens.

‘Medevacs.’ The WO said. ‘Your guys.’ His accent was pure Brooklyn.

‘Aren’t they far from the hospital?’ Dwight asked.

‘They bunk down this end.’ the LT pointed to a brick double storey billet and a series of white clapboard huts. ‘You got your own pad down at Evac.’

A siren started blaring as they drove by and Ross saw four men run out of the building closest to the field.

‘There they go.’ The WO sounded resigned. ‘Got something hot. You two gonna be busy.’

Ross looked back at the field, the distinctive sound of the Huey’s rotors starting up reaching his ears. He looked back at Dwight.

‘Looks like we got here just in time for the fun.’ Dwight said, but his flippant words were tempered by his serious expression.

They drove through the base gates and the MPs checked their identification and waved them through. The evacuation hospital was set further up on the bluff that overlooked the bay, surrounded by the barracks and facilities for the nearly three hundred and fifty medical personnel, and the jeep bounced along the dirt road as it headed for the collection of buildings just beyond a stand of trees. The buildings were all identical, low white wood faced bungalows with tin roofs. They drove past one that was larger and set on the edge of a large concreted landing pad, with a sign in front of the door that read CHU LAI MEDICAL CENTRE. The WO stopped and they disembarked from the vehicle, heading to the block next to the R & E which looked like an admin block.

There was a wonderful blast of chilled air as they entered and Ross saw a row of desks manned by young women in the same army greens at phones and typewriters. They were greeted and directed to a burly quartermaster who instructed them like they were a pair of schoolboys. They finally left the building and headed for what had been indicated as their billet to the right of the R & E building. Like the enlisted personnel, they would be staying in typical hooches - clapboard huts made of four walls and a roof and divided into rooms. They found theirs and Ross opened the door and headed in. It was small, with two steel lockers and metal bedsteads, a low bookshelf between the beds and a long shelf running over them.

Ross set his duffle bag down on the bed on the left and moved to open the shutters of the window. There was no glass to allow the breeze to move through the room unimpeded. The air smelt like salt and that indefinable smell of all hospitals – a combination of disinfectant and cleaner and something else, an earthier tang underneath.

‘At least we’re bunking together.’ Dwight said, already starting to unpack. ‘I guess the heads will be around here somewhere.’

Ross nodded and started his own unpacking. Most of his bag was devoted to his uniforms and other clothing. His helmet and polishing kit went on the shelf overhead and the clothing into the locker along with his washbag and shaving kit. He had a couple of personal items - a copy of Flint’s Emergency Treatment and Management with pictures of his family and Elizabeth pressed between the pages and a few other things. He took his cigarettes and lighter from his top pocket and set them aside.

Once they were finished unpacking Dwight suggested a recce to get the lie of the land and they left the unit, walking down towards where the QM had said the canteen and USO was. As they were walking they spotted two young woman walking at an angle to them. They were dressed in fatigues and hatless, one head bright copper and the other light blond. They drew closer and Ross saw that they were Med Corps, nurses by the look of things. They stopped as he and Dwight got closer, smiling in a friendly manner.

‘Oh look.’ the redhead said. ‘New toys.’

They were both Lieutenants, nurses in the R & E and off duty so they invited Ross and Enys to go to the Officer’s Club for a soda and some conversation. The redhead was named Demelza Carne and the blonde was Caroline Penvenen. Ross could tell that Dwight was instantly smitten, his eyes fixed on Caroline’s pretty face as they chatted. The USO was fairly deserted, only a few other people in the low building, the wooden sides lifted up to let the air in. It wasn’t grand by any stretch of the imagination and Demelza told them that the Officer’s Club on the other side was far better stocked but that this was where most of the med staff hung out. She took a cigarette from the pack Ross offered and he lit it for her. She inhaled deeply and then blew out a contrail of smoke.

‘It’s busy.’ she said in answer to a the question he and Dwight had both asked. ‘We’re in a hot zone here. To the north you’ve got the DMZ but from there down it’s all Charlie.’

‘And the terrain here is awful.’ Caroline said. ‘They get stuck in and nothing gets them loose.’

Ross nodded and studied the nurse sitting next to him. He’d already decided that he was very partial to Lt. Carne. She was sharp and funny and had a biting wit that he appreciated. Maybe getting over his little ‘problem’ wouldn’t be so hard if he had her to practice on.

They received a full tour of the facility. The 91st was set up high on the more southerly of the two bluffs that enclosed the long white beach that ran the length of the airfield. It wasn’t a huge base and the nurses told them that it was common practice to stroll from one side to the other to visit. One of the nurses in the ER had a husband serving on the other side and he’d regularly trot across to come visit.

The white building was the entry point to the R & E. Ross was used to working in a modern hospital and he was a little shocked by the rudimentary triage area. There were no beds for one, only wooden sawhorses.

‘The stretchers go on those.’ Caroline said. She gestured at the line of white painted galvanised steel lockers, their doors made of toughened glass to allow easy identification of supplies. ‘All the things we need are here – saline, airways, scissors…’ She went on, listing all the kit needed to administer emergency care to incoming wounded and also to take care of any other medical emergencies. Ross knew that they wouldn’t just be caring for their own soldiers but for the local population as well. There were IV stands and oxygen tanks and doorways that led off to the ORs and recovery wards as well.

They went out to the main area alongside the building and then Ross could see that they were more or less on the edge of the bluff with the concrete landing pad for the medevac helicopters to land and the casualties to be bought inside the R & E. It stretched down to the beach and he could just make out a path that carved its way through the dense beach vegetation to the line of barbed wire. There was an observation post just below them. Ross was also amazed to see a fairly flat lawned area to the right that had a barbeque and a wooden deck that reached out over the side to take in a wide view of the ocean, a flagpole and windsock showing that there wasn’t a breath of wind. There were even wooden picnic tables and some of the ubiquitous steel chairs set out in the sun. A few personnel were sitting out enjoying the afternoon and they got introduced around, shaking hands with some of the other doctors and nurses they would be working with.

‘This is where we come for some fresh air.’ Demelza explained. ‘It’s pretty peaceful out here.’

‘It looks it.’ Dwight said.

‘Until the birds start bringing in the wounded.’ This was from another doctor they had just met, a tall man with a fair moustache named Walter Anderson. He was older, looking to be in his forties, a Major with a great deal more experience than either he or Dwight had. ‘Then all hell breaks loose.’

‘Try Boston on game days.’ Ross replied, and Walters grinned, but it had a sharp edge to it.

‘You ever work a car wreck?’ he asked and Ross nodded.

‘I have.’ he replied. ‘And I know what to expect from this.’

‘No you don’t.’ Anderson said evenly. ‘None of us do until we have that first rotation and see the shit that gets bought in. For the most part these boys are shot to hell and a lot of them don’t make it. And they are boys, hell some of them are no older than my son. It’s rough.’ His green eyes were serious. ‘Just be prepared, that’s all I’m saying. You two have landed on my rotation and I need steady hands and someone who’s not going to puke his guts out at the sight of someone’s head blown open.’

It was enough to knock the wind right out of their sails and Ross and Dwight returned to their hooch considerably chastened by the warning. The rest of the evening passed uneventfully until they had dinner and went to bed, checking their uniforms and setting them out for the next morning. Their first rotation started at six and they would need to be rested because it went on for the next twelve hours.

The evening was warm, and Ross lay on his bunk and listened to the sound of the waves below the bluff and the distant sound of artillery fire. Dwight had dropped off to sleep easily, and his even breathing was the only real sound.

Ross inhaled on his cigarette and reached for his copy of Flint and opened it where he’d put the pictures of his family. He looked through them, smiling at the ones of his cousin Verity. She’d just gotten married to a naval captain before he’d signed up and the snapshot was of the two of them at the reception. If he was being truthful with himself, it was one of the reasons Ross had done it. He’d looked at how happy she and Drew were and realised that his one year engagement to Elizabeth was a sham. They had been dating since they were sixteen, their high school’s homecoming king and queen and the golden couple of their circle of friends. Their parents were members of the same country club and it had been naturally assumed that they would get married. But throughout that time Ross had been wrestling with the demon inside himself, the one that turned its head not at a slender waist or pretty painted face but at broad shoulders and the glint of stubble running along a strong jawline.

It had been enough to drive him to nearly kill himself through overwork, to berate himself severely for every dream that woke him, sweaty and sticky with his own emissions, with half remembered images of sex with someone that was not only not Elizabeth but not even a woman.

Ross sighed and crushed out the butt, taking the picture of Elizabeth from the stack inside the book. It was a lovely one of her, her dark hair artfully styled and piled on top of her head. She was beautiful, graceful and elegant and showing all the makings of a perfect society wife just like her own mother and his had been. He hated that he felt nothing for her, not even the faintest glimmer of attraction. It was only by fantasising about someone else that he’d even managed to consummate their relationship, although it had been so brief and hurried that she’d gladly agreed not to do so again until after they were married.

There was a sound like distant thunder and Ross strained his ears, putting the picture back inside the book and laying it down. It eventually coalesced into a distinctive thump, a steady whomp-whomp noise that he identified as the sound of a helicopter’s rotor blades. He lay and listened to it fade away after it had dropped off its cargo and wondered what the next day would bring.

**********

The next day they woke to driving rain, torrenting down in great sheets that meant they were pretty much soaked through when they got to the R & E for their rotation. They wore their duty greens, the only concession to the fact they were doctors being the stethoscopes around their necks.

Anderson greeted them and started running them through their duties. A lot of their work during down times was taking care of in patients, mostly the local populace, and there were plenty of things that needed treating from malaria to water-borne diseases and more mundane health problems like rashes and colds and the accidents that came with rural life. He explained that casualties coming in from the boonies were always radioed in by the medevac choppers, the medics aboard taking to role of frontline carers until they got to the Evac units. Because they were at one of the busiest bases south of Dha Nang, this happened frequently.

‘We’re lucky.’ he said. ‘We’ve got a fine set of Krazies. The terrain around here is lethal. Last month there were a couple of pilots that flew right into the side of a mountain. Night flight and fog. It’s not an easy thing to get in and out. We normally get Dustoff 51. Their pilot is quite possibly certifiable but he gets the job done. They lost their medic a couple of months back. Poor bastard bought it on an up country job and he was gone by the time they got him back. Not even Hawk’s fancy flying could save him. They took it hard but they’ve got a new kid on board and he’s a decent medic. Got a good head on his shoulders.’

‘How many are on board?’ Dwight asked. ‘Is it just the pilot and medic?’

‘Four.’ Anderson replied. ‘Pilot, aircraft commander, medic and crew chief.’ He walked them through the recovery wards. ‘LJ is their aircraft commander. He’s a school teacher by trade, and you boys would do well to get a story or two out of him. They come up to the OC a lot and we drink with them and are very respectful of the job they do. They go out there solo and with no arms and bring those boys back in in conditions I cannot even begin to comprehend.’ He grinned at them. ‘Be careful though. They may be angels of mercy but they’re still soldiers. They’ll drink you under the table and win your pay off you without batting an eyelid.’ He stopped and put his hands on his hips. ‘That’s about all. Now we wait for your baptism of fire.’

*********

Baptism of fire seemed to be a horrible overstatement. They were five hours into their rotation and Ross had so far checked out seven pregnant woman, vaccinated a class full of kids from the nearest village school and treated a very bad case of sinusitis. Dwight had been doing much the same, assisted by Caroline and the two of them had been chatting in a way that was particularly friendly. Ross glanced at Demelza, who grinned at him. She’d also noticed the interactions that had been going on.

Anderson hadn’t been joking when he’d told them that a lot of their time was spent waiting and it was starting to get dark before the first call came in over the CB radio.

‘We’ve got incoming.’ Anderson didn’t change pace, wearing the same calm expression he had been all day. ‘ETA is ten minutes. It’s a platoon that got cornered in a gorge just outside our northern patrol boundary.'

‘How many?’ Ross asked.

‘LJ confirmed five stretcher cases, at least two with severe lower limb trauma, and eight walking wounded.’ Anderson replied. ‘Better buckle up, boys.’ Ross looked at Dwight who looked back and they both had to work hard to hide their trepidation. Thirteen patients and four duty physicians and six nurses. It didn’t seem enough all of a sudden. Anderson checked his watch.

‘All right, let’s get going.’ he said and they followed him out with the corpsmen to bring the wounded in. It was an all hands on deck scenario out here, and there were no trolleys to carry casualties into the R & E.

The wind had picked up and the fog was starting to roll in which meant that Ross couldn’t see the bird against the darkening sky, but soon enough his ears picked up the sound. Next to him, Anderson peered into the cloud that was blocking out their visibility.

‘Here they come.’ he said and put up one hand to hold his cap down. Dwight frowned.

‘I don’t even see them.’ he said but then it was like the bird had just come down out of nowhere on top of them. It kicked up a swirl of air that moved in a circle around them and there it was, coming down out of the fog and setting down on the pad.

Ross swallowed down his nervousness and ran out after Anderson, adopting the head down stance that was required for approaching the massive machine in front of them. The Huey was a monster, almost sixty feet from rotor tip to rotor tip and they sliced through the air in a blur. The noise was deafening and Ross kept close to Anderson. The side doors were already open and the casualties that could walk were spilling out. The GMOs were already ahead of him, helping the two crewmen, recognisable by their helmets, to off load the patients. He moved to help and saw that Anderson was at the pilot’s window, talking to him. Then his training kicked in and Ross’s baptism began.

For the next six hours it was relentless. Ross was so busy he barely had a chance to think about what he was doing. The kinds of trauma he was seeing was mostly artillery related, flesh torn and bones shattered by automatic rifle rounds. AKs fired 7.62mm rounds that were devastating to the human body and the patrol had been holed up in a narrow crevasse with a dead end and had been simply mown down. It was only by air support going in and blowing the shit out of the forces hidden in the undergrowth that the Huey had been able to land long enough to pick up the wounded and there was another bird right behind them who had done the same. In all they had bought in twenty-six casualties and as soon as they had offloaded they had gone back, called out on another mission.

Ross wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his arm and carried on cutting off the field dressing that was holding the soldier’s lower leg together. The calf muscle was shredded, the foot gone and the ankle nothing more than a pulpy mess. He bit down the instinctive recoil at the stink of so much blood and mentally assessed the injury. It had been caused by a mine, the soldier not one from the original patrol but from another bought in the constant stream of bodies.

‘Surgery.’ he said to Demelza who nodded and made the notation. Anderson had told them that trauma of that level was an amputation case, no questions asked. The shrapnel buried inside the wound would cause infection and the disintegration of the bone meant it couldn’t be saved. The GMO wheeled the soldier away after they had his bleeding under control to await his turn in the OR and then it was onto the next one.

The moment the stretcher landed on the sawhorses, Ross knew there was nothing he could do. The soldier’s pulse was thready and barely there and his eyes were already turning glassy. He looked up at Demelza and shook his head. The soldier was removed and taken away to die and then the next one was brought over.

By the time they were finally done, they had treated forty-five casualties and Ross was so tired he’d gone all the way round to wide-eyed wakefulness. He stumbled out of the R & E at the end of his rotation in his t-shirt, his greens bloodstained and chucked into the laundry. Dwight was right behind him, his curly hair matted with sweat just like Ross’ was. Ross dug out his cigarettes and offered him one. Dwight took it and lit it.

‘Fuck.’ He sounded liked he had aged a thousand years. ‘Jesus Christ.’

‘I know.’ Ross inhaled deeply, drawing the smoke in and holding it before exhaling. He looked up as Anderson came out. He ran a hand through his sandy hair and clapped Ross on the shoulder.

‘You two did well in there tonight.’ he said. ‘It’s been a long one. Let’s go get a beer.’

The evening turned quiet and by the time they got back to their hooch, Ross was mildly drunk. Anderson had been happy with their performance and the other doctors on call had expressed a similar view and for the first time since he’d left medical school, Ross had felt a sense of comradery. Demelza had even sat next to him and told him that she’d been impressed and Ross’ hopes had gone up just that little bit. But she hadn’t seemed to pick up on any of his (admittedly) clumsy signals and he’d had to watch her go to bed early and leave him to spectate on the love train that was Dwight and Caroline steadily gathering steam opposite him, which was one of the reasons for the inebriation.

He turned over for what felt like the thousandth time. The night had turned humid and his sheet stuck to him as he sat up. Dwight had finally stumbled in and was snoring, sprawled out on his back like a starfish. Even with the shutters open it was sweltering and the heat was making it impossible to sleep. He toyed with the idea of going for a shower, but eventually he got up and dressed. He laced his boots and grabbed his cigarettes and lighter, thumb running over the embossed gold surface. It had been his last birthday present from Verity, and Ross treasured it. Out of all his family, his cousin was the one he loved the most, more like a sister to him.

He left the hooch and walked down the walkway between the buildings until he came out below the deck. The night was clear and bright and he made his way to the gap he’d seen in the barbed wire. There was a hard packed footpath that brought him down onto the beach and the sand crunched under his boots once he was there. Strictly speaking the beach was out of bounds at night but Demelza had told him and Dwight that it was safe with no-one actually going there.

Down on the beach it was darker, the bluff cutting out a lot of the light. Ross headed for the waterline where the sand was firmer underfoot and trudged along, smoking and thinking. He was still a little lightheaded and by the time he looked up he noticed that he was well out from the bluff and onto the main beach which was used by the soldiers on their days off. Up ahead of him was a wooden structure with a life guard station built on top of it. He headed for it, thinking it would be a good place to sit and contemplate the ocean and he was so focused on that objective that he complete missed the sounds that indicated the shelter at the top was occupied. Ross had gotten halfway up the ramp, lighter out to ignite his cigarette when he heard something and looked up.

They were up against the wall of the shelter, the man in front braced on his forearms. The taller of the two men was the one behind, his fatigues down around his ankles and one hand clenched in his partner’s hair while the other was draped over the curve of the shorter man’s throat, tilting his head back. There were soft grunts of effort from the taller one as he fucked the other soldier up against the unyielding wall, the hand at his throat moving down to wrap itself around the shorter man’s cock and stroke in time with his movements. It wasn’t him that Ross’ gaze fixed on though, all his carefully repressed feelings bubbling up inside him as he stood rooted to the spot and unable to look away from the hypnotic drive of the taller man’s hips and heard the soft moans from the shorter man as he took it. He was the one that drew Ross’ attention like a moth to a flame, and he drank in every detail he could see greedily, the glimpse of skin under where the short man’s white t-shirt was rucked up and a glimpse of light coloured hair, although the shadows made it impossible for Ross to see his face.

The realisation that he was becoming horribly aroused was like a punch to the gut. Ross had spent a lifetime denying these things he felt and yet it all seemed to crumble into nothing as he watched the two men and discovered that there was nothing more he wanted than to take the tall man’s place, to press that willing body against the flat surface in front of him and just take until there was nothing left. That was when the shame and guilt and disgust with himself kicked in and Ross stumbled back from the scene in front of him, tripping over his own feet and dropping his lighter. It hit the wooden walkway with a clatter and skated off the edge into the sand. The two men froze, heads turning towards him and Ross felt his face flame up. He said nothing, simply standing there not quite sure of what to do. Then something unexpected happened.

The short man laughed. It was low and unbearably sexy and so full of rich humour that he made getting caught being ass-fucked on a beach in a military zone sound like it was the best joke imaginable.

‘You gonna stand and watch?’ he asked, and Ross blinked in surprise as he realised that the short man was talking to him. ‘Or you wanna join in?’ That was enough to spur Ross into action and he turned and fled down the ramp, the sound of laughter following him as he all but bolted back towards the bluff and the 91st.

It was only when he got back into his hooch and threw himself on his bunk, that Ross realised he’d left his lighter behind somewhere in the sand. That, and the fact that he was still hard, made him hate himself more than he had in months and he spent the rest of the night in a fit of self-loathing before finally managing to go to sleep.

***********

It took a week to get into the routine of the 91st. There were two shifts, day and night, and they often overlapped as the first staff rotation dealt with whatever had landed in their laps and the second jumped in with both feet to help. As a result Ross got to know most of the personnel well or at least by sight. Dwight, naturally effusive and friendly with everyone, was more popular and soon Ross was being included in extracurricular activities as a result of being his friend. He had a tendency to politely refuse though, preferring a quiet drink on the Officer’s Club or in his own room to the sometimes wild parties that seemed to be a part of after-hours life at the hospital.

He got used to the blood and trauma far too quickly. At the R & E their main priority was just that, prioritising patients into those that couldn’t be saved (a hell of a lot less than he’d honestly thought) and stabilising those that needed to go to surgery before they might get sent across to the Surgical hospital or hospital ship that was moored off the coast. The type of injuries were what he’d expected from a war zone – wounds from bullets and artillery, shattered lower limbs from mines. But there were other things as well that were more surprising like snake bites, mysterious rashes from exposure to exotic plants. They had lost a seventeen year old grunt three days before when he’d gone into anaphylactic shock in the field and his airway had closed up completely. Ross still didn’t know what the hell had caused it. Sepsis was another problem. Cuts and small open wounds were left unattended or unreported and then it developed, driven by the unsanitary conditions in the jungle and the high level of humidity.

The end of the day often saw Ross exhausted and just wanting to sleep as he adjusted to his new surroundings. Dwight and Caroline had jumped into their budding romance with every intention of spending as much time as possible together and so Ross frequently had their room to himself. He used his free hours to write letters home that first week, assuring everyone he had arrived and was safe. He spent hours reading through Flint again, realising that the kind of medicine he was practising now was random and chaotic but so full of potential for when he got back. There was a PX and Ross would usually stop there to pick up a couple pf sodas, mixing them with the bottle of Jack he had stashed in his locker.

He had studiously avoided going down to the beach unless it was light and he had a tendency to stay away from the Americal Division side. He had gone to scout around for his lighter but he hadn’t found it and presumed it lost in the sand.

Demelza also turned out to be a dead end in terms of recreational activities. Ross learned that she had a boyfriend and that said boyfriend was in actual fact the young man he’d met who was the crew chief of Dustoff 51. Him and the medic who had only been with them for the past three months. Benjamin Gunn, called Benny, was from Yonkers and young, his large brown eyes affected with a permanently startled look. Still he was good at what he did and Ross appreciated that the troops he cared for usually came in with a fighting chance. He was now very familiar with the Huey, affectionately named Susie Q by her crew which was testified in white letters painted above the cross on her nose, at least in terms of seeing them land and take off again and his brief interactions with Flint and Benny when they off loaded casualties. He’d spoken to the AC a few times on the CBX, a C/W4 named John Silver. Ross idly wondered where the LJ came from but that was what people called him. He’d also been at Anderson’s shoulder once when Anderson had stuck his head in to talk to the pilot and LJ and Ross had got a glimpse of a young face hidden under the bulky helmet and behind the dark aviators. Hawk didn’t talk much while he was working, although Demelza had told Ross that he was a pretty fun guy off shift.

That was how the whole thing came about, in fact. It was late Satruday and they had another hour before their shift ended and Demelza smiled at the soldier whose feet she was dressing and then looked back over her shoulder at Ross while he checked the patient’s notes on the clipboard that hung at the end of the bed.

‘Flint’s bringing the guys over tonight.’ she said. ‘You want to come join us on the deck for a few. You can meet him properly.’ Ross looked at her and returned the smile. He really liked Demelza and once her unavailability had been made clear they had fallen into a very comfortable friendship.

‘All right.’ he said. ‘So long as I don’t have to do all the talking.’ Demelza chuckled.

‘Like you would.’ she replied and got up. It had been a quiet day in the R & E and they got off shift at more or less the right time. Demelza went off to go and make herself presentable and Ross went down to the PX and bought himself a new pack of cigarettes and then to the Officer’s Club to get himself a couple of drinks to enjoy on the deck while he waited for Demelza to return.

When he got there he saw that one of the tables was already occupied and that Dwight and Caroline were two of the people with them. It was Dwight’s day off and he looked up and waved Ross over.

‘Ross.’ he said when Ross got to the bench. ‘This is Dustoff 51.’ He nodded at the oldest looking of the four men. ‘LJ, this is Ross.’

‘Hey Doc.’ LJ Silver was probably in his late twenties but Ross was surprised to see his black hair was tinged with silver at the temples. He held out a hand and when Ross shook it, his grip was firm. ‘Nice to put a face to the voice.’ He nodded at the two younger men opposite him. ‘You know Flint and Benny.’ Ross shook their hands as well, thinking that Benny’s ears were tragically large and that he was so gangly it was amazing that he even fitted in the bird in the first place. It was hard to believe that those overlarge hands were so deft at tending wounds and fixing dressings. ‘And that’s Hawk.’ This last was directed at the young man sitting at the end of the table and Ross turned his head to look at him. It hit him like a punch in the gut.

Hawk was young, probably just into his twenties. His face was smooth and unlined and his regulation short hair dark gold. He looked at Ross with light eyes - maybe blue, maybe green, he couldn’t quite tell. His face was far too serious for a man his age though and the friendly expression he affected didn’t quite meet his eyes. The worst part of the equation was that Ross suddenly found his heart racing, an increasingly quick thump- thump in his chest that only sped up when Hawk half got up and held out a hand.

Ross hesitated and then realised he was being stared at so he leaned over the table and shook Hawk’s hand. Their eyes met and he saw that it was actually a combination, blue and green shading together to make up a colour that reminded him of a family vacation to the Bahamas he’d had when he was fourteen. Hawk’s hand was warm in his, the grip firm, and Ross had to physically make himself let go. He immediately trained his face into the neutral expression he’d perfected to hide the turmoil inside him but it wasn’t quite quick enough and he saw a flicker of curiosity in Hawk’s eyes before Ross moved back to go and sit next to Dwight in safety and cursing himself for not being able to control what had been such a visceral surge of attraction to a man he didn’t even know. He would have to watch himself every carefully around him.

Thankfully the conversation started up again and Ross lit a cigarette and kept to himself for most of it. LJ and Flint were doing most of the talking, with the occasional interjection from Benny. Ross couldn’t help but notice that Hawk was doing the same thing he was, smoking and nursing his beer and listening to the conversation but not really taking part in it. He also couldn’t help but notice that Hawk was also watching him a lot of the time and he felt even worse. He’d probably noticed how Ross had reacted to him and was just waiting to point it out.

‘So tell me exactly what you do.’ Dwight was asking LJ. ‘You’re a pilot?’

‘Yeah.’ LJ replied. ‘Me and Hawk are both pilots, but he does the flying. I’m the AC so I do the navigating and the radio work, call in the missions and basically tell him where to fly.’ He jerked a thumb at Hawk. ‘Hawk’s the one that gets us in and out.’

‘And you’re the mechanic?’ Dwight said to Flint who nodded, black eyes twinkling.

‘Crew chief.’ he corrected. ‘But yeah, I keep our fine lady in the air.’

‘And you two know each other?’ Dwight was obviously covering bases of conversation that had come up before Ross got there. He sipped his beer and snuck a covert look at Hawk. The pilot wasn’t actually listening, looking out to sea instead, and Ross was given the benefit of a fine profile with strong lines. There was a glint of blond stubble at Hawk’s jaw and Ross felt his stomach turn over. He had never felt like this, not so soon after meeting someone, and it utterly terrified him.

‘We’re from the same damn neighbourhood in Detroit, would you believe that?’ LJ was laughing. ‘This little shit used to play in the back yard with my kid brothers.’ He cuffed Flint affectionately along the back of the head. ‘We picked up Hawk on this side. He was the only one of that bunch of crackers that would fly with us.’ That got Hawk’s attention and he turned to look at them. Ross quickly looked away, but he listened. Hawk’s voice was clear and well-modulated, the West Coast accent unmistakeable.

‘Beggars can’t be choosers.’ he said and Ross frowned at the cryptic answer. It made Flint and LJ fall about themselves laughing though.

‘Benny’s our cherry though.’ Flint got the young man in a headlock and Benny protested and struggled to get out of it.

‘Cherry?’ Dwight looked at Caroline and she giggled.

‘It means he hasn’t been shot yet.’ she explained. ‘Not like the rest of them.’

‘Seriously?’ Dwight’s blue eyes were wide. ‘All of you?’

‘Check it out, baby.’ Flint pulled up his t-shirt to show off a muscled stomach, the dark skin pock marked with white scars. Now Ross’ academic interest was engaged and he gaped at the number and placing.

‘Four times?’ he asked.

‘Fucking AKs.’ LJ shook his head. ‘And it was a messed up run. We went into a hot LZ and got sprayed. We’re lucky none of us bought it.’

‘And that happens a lot?’ Dwight asked, and this time the four men looked at each other and laughed.

‘Yeah.’ LJ’s drawl was dry. ‘It happens a lot.’ He stuck his cigarette in the corner of his mouth and pulled his t-shirt sleeve up to show Ross and Dwight a similar scar on his shoulder. ‘Another reason I let him do the flying.’

‘Damn.’ Dwight said. ‘Was this all the same trip?’

‘Uh huh.’ Flint nodded and then his handsome face lit up as he looked past them. ‘Hey, beautiful.’ Ross turned around to see Demelza approaching. She’d showered and changed into a clean uniform. As she got to the table there as a sudden shuffling as everyone moved to accommodate her and suddenly Ross found himself sitting directly opposite Hawk.

‘So how the hell did you get out of it?’ Dwight was determined to hear the rest of the story and Ross was glad, He ducked his eyes down, and tried to watch Hawk from under his lashes as surreptitiously as possible.

‘Ask him.’ LJ said. ‘It was about our..what…sixth flight in?’ He looked at the other two for clarification and got nods. ‘There’s this patrol and they’re stuck just at the bottom of a hill and kind of hiding under this overhang. The snakes went in and cleared a path for us, and we go down. I’ve barely hit the LZ when some bastard shoots a hole in me. I’ve got this cherry white boy next to me, not even a goddamn month out of flight school, and he takes the controls off me and gets us out of there.’ He grinned down the table at Hawk. ‘Crazy motherfucker.’ Hawk shrugged, seemingly nonplussed.

‘You would have done the same it if it was me.’ he said. ‘Besides you were bleeding all over the goddamn bird.’ LJ threw his head back and laughed.

‘And screaming.’ Flint chuckled. ‘Like a fucking banshee. I was the one with four rounds in my stomach. I didn’t shit right for weeks.’

‘It fucking hurt.’ LJ said. ‘That’s when I decided that I would leave the flying to Hawk. Let him get his ass shot up. Even thought about taking a nice cushy desk job.’

‘You’d be bored shitless in a week.’ Hawk replied. There was more laughing and the conversation drifted on to other things, mostly about life at the camp and other stories. Ross listened and watched and found that the steady thrum of his blood in his ears wasn’t going away. His breathing seemed to hitch every time he looked at the young pilot opposite him. To calm himself he started drinking to keep up and a couple of hours later he was pleasantly drunk.

More people had joined them and the darkening sky was now lit by the strings of lights that ran from the rail to the flagpole and along to the main buildings. The conversation was loud, lots of people letting off steam and the heights of emotions that came from working in the place they found themselves in. Dwight was a natural talker and he and Flint seemed to get on like a house on fire and LJ was regaling them all with stories from his entire career, being a lifer in the American school system. Ross had finally settled into himself enough to start talking and the conversation between him and Benny was flowing nicely. The young medic (he was only nineteen Ross had discovered) was telling him how he was using his military service as a gateway into medicine when he went back and Ross was telling him about his own beginnings.

He shook a cigarette out the pack and patted his pockets, forgetting as he’d done so often that week that he had lost his lighter. There was a click and he looked up into those hypnotic eyes and saw that Hawk was holding out a battered silver zippo, something engraved on the side. He had his own cigarette in his mouth and lit it after Ross had dipped his head to do the same with his own. He watched how Hawk tilted his head to the side, a little affectation that had his blood running hot, then snapped it shut. He inhaled and then exhaled through his nose and looked at Ross steadily and Ross got the distinct impression he was being measured.

‘Wait.’ Dwight was laughing. ‘So he really said that?’

‘Yeah.’ LJ was laughing as well. ‘And I says to him, motherfucker I’m only twenty-seven years old, although I realise I cut a distinguished figure. ‘He snorted with laughter and smoothed one hand over his hair.

‘So is that why they call you Long John?’ Dwight asked. He’d come straight out and asked LJ about his name and LJ had told him.

‘That and my other natural talents.’ LJ’s dark eyes were twinkling. ‘You know what they say. Once you go black, you ain’t going back baby.’ He winked at Demelza and she blushed prettily.

‘That’s only ‘cause they ain’t never gotten a look at Benny.’ Flint said. All eyes turned to the teenager and he gulped down his mouthful of beer and got a look on his face that was a dead ringer for a deer in a set of headlights. ‘Boy’s hung from here to next Tuesday.’ They all laughed when Benny’s huge ears went scarlet and he hunched down. Hawk nudged him with his elbow.

‘They’re just jealous.’ he said to the furiously blushing boy. ‘You make them look like they’re smuggling pickles in their shorts.’ That made Benny smile, a goofy crooked teeth thing that lit up his whole face. Hawk grinned back and for the first time Ross noticed that he had dimples, one hovering at each corner of his mouth. ‘And we all know that you get more ass than the three of us combined.’

‘Only ‘cause I’m married, Flint’s taken and you’re… too goddamn picky.’ It was quick, barely a moment, but the way LJ hauled himself up short in the middle of his sentence gave Ross the distinct impression he’d been about to say something else. He wondered what it was. For a moment Hawk looked scandalised and the he started laughing.

In that split second, Ross realised three things. The first was that when Hawk laughed he went from attractive to devastating. The second was that Ross knew nobody, not even Demelza, could now hold a candle to the attraction he felt for the man across from him, his sharp sense of humour and thoughtful light eyes drawing Ross in until he wasn’t sure which way was up anymore. But it was the last that made him gasp audibly and drop his beer all over himself. The others laughed, but Hawk’s eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly.

‘Jesus, Ross.’ Dwight said. ‘Maybe it’s time to call it quits if you’ve lost fine motor function.’

‘I think you’re right.’ Ross was trying to extricate himself from the table, his own face now red with embarrassment for causing such a spectacle. ‘I’m going to head back.’ He needed to get away, away from that laugh. It had lit up Hawk’s eyes and made him crinkle his nose and it had hit Ross right in the cerebral cortex because it was low and sexy and made him half hard under the table, just like it had at the beach the first night he’d heard it, when it had stuck in his brain and been the thing he’d jerked off to almost every night since. He finally managed to get out and said his goodbyes, taking off for the series of walkways that would lead him back through the maze of buildings to his hooch. He had barely got there though when he heard a soft voice behind him.

‘Hey, Doc.’

Ross turned and just managed to bring his hands up and catch the small object Hawk tossed at him. He looked down into his hands and saw the gleam of gold, ran his thumb over the embossed letters.

‘I thought it was you.’ Hawk said. ‘You should be careful. It’s easy to lose shit around here.’ He sounded so alarmingly casual that all Ross could do was stare at him. Hawk returned the look calmly and then gave him a half-smile, crooked and breath-taking all in one moment.

He turned and walked back into the shadows, leaving Ross standing there with his heart pounding and not knowing what in the world had just passed between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater Revival


	2. White Rabbit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ross settles in.

Four weeks passed and Ross was no better off than he had been before. His feelings and the growing attraction he felt for the pilot of Dustoff 51 had not only persisted but gotten worse. It didn’t help that they had decided to adopt himself and Dwight and came over to drink with them at least twice a week. These evenings were always torturous with Ross trying his hardest to be as casual as possible in the hopes that no-one would notice just how badly he was taken with Hawk. Thankfully, so far it seemed to be working. He knew the risk he ran by being even the slightest bit obvious in his attraction to the other man and so he was quiet yet polite, not engaging Hawk directly but happy to listen in and talk with the others. He was pleasantly surprised to find though that Hawk was the same, treating him with a matching accord that was polite but not overly friendly. He seemed just as keen to keep things under wraps and never ever tried to speak to Ross on his own or allude to anything about the night he’d been caught on the beach. In that way the time passed and it was made more or less bearable.

Ross was now on night shift and had been for a fortnight. It was a mixed bag when he considered it. There were whole shifts where nothing much happened at all. Then there were the nights where all hell broke loose, when the birds came in again and again and Charlie’s head count went up steadily. Those nights seemed endless and Ross got used to picking up the sound of the Hueys coming in through the night time fog and sometimes driving rain. And each time he ran out, each time he saw the white ‘51’ on the side of the bird he felt a little tug in his belly. There was never very much time for conversation, all their focus on getting the casualties in and stabilised or left to die with as much dignity as could be afforded in a starkly lit room with nobody but stretchers around them.

He had developed a profound feeling of respect for Demelza and Caroline and their sister nurses, watching how they kept so perfectly calm in the face of having to hold a crying boy’s hand or sparing a few softly spoken words for the older men. The soldiers called them Angels of Mercy and Ross knew they deserved that title and more. He was very glad he was a doctor and didn’t have to dispense gentleness and comfort because he would have been no good at it. He did, however, soon develop a reputation for being calm under pressure and a steady pair of extremely competent hands, if a little taciturn, and Anderson was soon giving him more responsibility. Ross was pleased for the extra work, mostly because it made the shifts go by quickly.

It was Thursday night, only two weeks before Christmas and Demelza was excited because her brother, a missionary in Laos, was coming to visit her.

‘You’ll probably find him a little strange.’ she said. ‘Drake was always different.’

‘Isn’t it dangerous?’ Dwight asked. He was leaning on a storage locker and writing up patient notes. Demelza shrugged.

‘No more than here.’ she replied. ‘It’ll be good to see him, it’s been a year.’

‘So what happens with Christmas around these parts anyway?’ Dwight asked and Caroline came to stand next to him.

‘We usually have it pretty good.’ she said. ‘We get a real nice lunch and there’s usually a party afterwards.’

There was the crackle of the radio and Anderson, who was doing inventory with another nurse named Kayleigh Stephens on the other side of the room, went to go answer it. He came back with a concerned look on his face.

‘Dustoff 51’s coming in.’ he said. ‘They got into a bit of trouble. Their LZ was hot and they took some rounds.’ Ross’ head shot up as he said that.

‘Are they all right?’ he asked and Anderson nodded.

‘Benny’s got some shrapnel in the ass and the greenhouse got shot up.’ he replied. ‘Thankfully none of the rounds hit. They’re also bringing in 4 stretchers and six walking.’ They got ready, and then waited for the bird to come in. The rain was persistent but not torrential so Ross’ ears picked out the sound easily. The GMOs already had their rain ponchos on and he watched them run out. The bird was coming down, and the lights from the landing pad showed that the plexiglass bubble on Hawk’s side was gone.

It was enough to turn his blood to ice and Ross ran out behind the GMOs, completely ignoring the fact that by the time he got to the bird he was soaked through. They were unloading and he saw Flint standing at the side directing and cursing the hell out of whoever had taken a pot shot at their bird.

‘Motherfuckers!’ he spat as Ross reached him. ‘Goddamn sons of bitches shot the hell out of the front. Thank God, Jim’s a short little fuck otherwise they would have zapped him for sure.’ For a moment Ross had no idea who he was referring to and then it clicked. He had never heard any of them use Hawk’s actual name and the normality of it clashed with the context it was being used in.

‘How is he?’ he yelled over the noise of the rotors.

‘Walking.’ Flint yelled back and then Ross had to turn because they had just unloaded a man bleeding out from a mass of holes in his abdomen. He got back in, shaking water from his hair and got to work. It was a close call, and he and Dwight kept their heads down and their attention focused until the soldier was stable enough to be taken through to wait for the surgical team.

It wasn’t until an hour and a half later with that accomplished and the other emergency cases taken care of that Ross noticed that next to them Benny was on his stomach on a stretcher with his pants down, yelling his head off as Caroline and a large pair of tweezers pulled slivers of metal out of his backside.

‘Son of a bitch.’ he whined and Caroline snickered.

‘Count yourself lucky.’ she admonished. ‘It’s just a little shrapnel in the ass.’

‘She’s right.’ The voice that came from the side was sardonic and it made Ross’ heart jump and pick up speed. ‘Our bird’s a fucking mess, but no-one got zapped. You got off lightly.’

‘You’re not the one with all this shit in his ass.’ Benny grumbled, but he put his head down and bit on his sleeve to stifle the noises he was making.

‘No.’ Hawk said. ‘But I do look like I just went three rounds with Ali if it makes you feel better.’

‘Then she can torture you for a bit.’ Benny replied. Ross looked around and saw that the other casualties were now all being dealt with and walked over to where Hawk was sitting against the wall, one knee propped up. He still had his helmet on.

‘Hey Doc.’ he said, looking up at Ross. Even from where he was standing Ross could see that his face was a mess of small cuts.

‘Come on.’ he said, holding out a hand. ‘Let’s have a look at you.’ Hawk stared up at him and then took it and let Ross pull him to his feet. He was unsteady when he came up and Ross had to reach out to stop him from falling over. Under his hands, he felt the solid muscles of Jim’s upper arms and then Jim had one hand on Ross’ t-shirt, gripping it in his fist to stabilise himself. The touch flared through every nerve in Ross’ body and he had to bite the inside of his cheek to stop from gasping at the feeling it caused.

‘Fuck.’ Hawk said and it came out shaky. ‘Guess I hit my head harder than I thought.’ He let go and Ross eased him back.

‘Over here.’ He beckoned to Demelza and she bought a chair over for Hawk to sit on. ‘You should have said something.’

‘No.’ Hawk replied. ‘I’m not so bad.’ He seemed disoriented and Ross gave him a look and then knelt down.

‘This needs to come off.’ he said and reached up to undo the chin strap of the helmet.

‘I got it.’ Hawk brushed his hands away and even that casual contact made Ross’ skin burn. He watched him undo the catch and then helped take it off, moving gently. He handed it to Demelza and noticed that there was an airbrushed hawk painted on the back with the words California Dreamin’ underneath in stylised white cursive. Then he turned his attention back to Hawk. Immediately he could see that there was one serious laceration across the right cheekbone and that he had a pretty big subconjunctival haemorrhage in the same eye, the scarlet stain absurdly vivid next to the almost aquamarine colour of Hawk’s iris. But it was the sizeable bump on Hawk’s head that he was worried about. Demelza was now alongside him and he took the opportunity to direct her to get a cold compress for the injury.

Trying to stay focused he looked Hawk over, checking his pupillary dilation with the small flashlight he took from his pocket. Hawk’s pupils didn’t contract when he shone the light into his eyes and Ross huffed and put the flashlight away. He steeled himself and reached up, gently probing the area around the bump to see if the skin was broken. He ignored all his brain’s helpful pointing out that Hawk’s hair was soft under his fingers and focused on his task at hand.

‘Concussion.’ he said to Demelza as she came back, an ice pack in one hand and cloth to wrap it in. Demelza nodded and moved to press the compress in place. ‘Have you had any other symptoms? Nausea or confusion?’ Next to them Benny, now blissed out on the pain killers that Caroline had fed him, snorted with laughter.

‘He puked when he got out the bird.’ he replied. ‘And he’s always confused, so I don’t know how you’re going to tell that.’

‘Fuck you, Benny.’ Hawk replied but there was no bite to it. ‘I guess that counts as a yes to both.’ Ross nodded. He started to reach for the dog tags around Hawk’s neck and Hawk dug them out of his shirt so Ross could check them. They were now in fairly close proximity and Ross could smell him, the sour trace of vomit and the deeper smells of sweat and adrenaline. He should have been repelled, but there was something that drew him in completely against his will. He tilted the steel oblong in his fingers and looked at the embossed words.

_Hawkins_  
_James R_  
_RA75318920_  
_AB NEG 565-33-2978_  
_PROTESTANT_

‘What’s the R stand for?’ he found himself asking.

‘Robert.’ Hawk replied. ‘It’s my dad’s name.’ Ross raised an eyebrow at him.

‘You don’t make things easy.’ he said dropping the tags. Hawk looked at him questioningly. ‘That’s the rarest blood type going.’

‘Yeah, they told me that last time.’ Hawk said. ‘At least this time I don’t have any goddamn holes in me.’

‘No, you don’t.’ Ross replied. ‘And at least now I know what your name is so I can use it.’ He said it offhand but when he looked up he saw something in the light eyes.

‘Why would you want to?’ Hawk sounded unsure, which was something Ross wasn’t used to hearing from him. In their drinking sessions he’d been pretty much the same as when Ross had met him – all quietly infuriating confidence.

‘Because I do.’ he replied. ‘My family isn’t very big on informality and my mother taught me it was impolite not to use a person’s name.’ He waited for a response and Hawk huffed a soft laugh.

‘Okay.’ he said. ‘Just don’t call me James. No-one does.’

‘Flint called you Jim earlier.’ Ross said.

‘That’ll be fine. You can call me that.’ Jim replied. ‘Doc.’ The second word was said with a slight edge to the words and Ross looked at him. Jim glared back and there was challenge in his eyes, as hazy as they were.

‘Bed rest.’ he said to Demelza. ‘Here tonight and then he can go back to the base in the morning.’ He turned to Jim. ‘And you’re grounded for at least five days.’

‘Fuck.’ Jim sighed. ‘Come on, Doc. Five days?’

‘Yes.’ Ross said sternly. ‘You have a head injury. We don’t dick around with those.’

‘Ha!’ Benny said next to them and then yelped as Caroline started wiping off the cuts with antiseptic.

Jim was put in the discharge ward along with Benny. They were only going to be there one night and the return to their unit in the morning. Benny’s injuries had been more superficial than anything and he was cleared to go back in the bird the next rotation.

Ross continued with his shift, and when the light started to change he went to do his rounds. He left the discharge ward till last, knowing that it was because he wanted to draw it out. He finally got here and walked down the line of beds. Caroline and another nurse were on duty and they talked with him in hushed voices as he checked over the patients. Jim and Benny were next to each other in the beds at the end of the line and he came to them last. Benny was asleep on his stomach, long arms and legs dangling off the narrow cot.  
Ross gave him a quick once over and then turned to the other bed, taking a breath and bracing himself. He hated that every time he even spoke to the man in front of him it was a struggle to hide what he felt. He hoped that Jim was asleep (also one of the reasons he’d left him till last) but he found Jim looking up at him with his eyes very much open. The laceration on his cheek had been sutured and there were dark shadows under his eye, but he seemed more alert than he had.

‘Hey Doc.’ It was soft and low and altogether the most attractive tone of voice Ross had ever heard.

‘How are you feeling?’ he asked, going to check the chart at the end of Jim’s cot to busy himself. He noted the checks that Caroline had done and the amounts of paracetomol that she’d given Jim.

‘Fine.’ Jim replied. He was barefoot but still in his flight uniform, the top turned down and tied off around his waist and his dog tags gleaming dully against the white t-shirt he wore underneath. He’d refused to get undressed and Caroline had left him to it. ‘I don’t need to be here.’

‘Yeah, well I’m the one with the medical degree so I get to make that call.’ Ross replied, flashing him a look over the clipboard. ‘And if I catch you going back on duty before you’re supposed to, I’ll notify your CO.’

‘Shit.’ Jim said. ‘For a rich Boston boy you’re kind of a hard-ass, you know that?’ Ross looked at him.

‘How do you know I’m from Boston?’ he asked and got that damnable crooked smile in response.

‘I can hear it.’ Jim replied. ‘You sound like a goddamn Kennedy.’

‘Really?’ Ross busied himself making notes to hide his expression. ‘Well, it’s that whole east/west thing, right?’ He put the clipboard down. ‘Or is California Dreaming your girlfriend?’ He wanted to kick himself as soon as he’d said it, but to his surprise Jim grinned.

‘West Coast is my call sign.’ he replied. ‘The rest is a logical step.’

‘So you are from California.’ Ross said, mentally kicking himself to stop himself from smiling.

‘Eureka.’ Jim replied. ‘And I don’t have a girlfriend.’ There was something in those words and Ross found himself looking up at him. Their eyes locked and a steady lurch set up in his stomach. Jim looked right back at him, almost daring him to say something. Then he spoke again and the soft low tone was back. ‘How about you, Doc? You got some long legged society princess waiting for you?’

Ross was shaken by his words and the very clear challenge in them. His heart was beating so fast it felt like it was about to jump right out his chest.

‘No.’ he said. ‘I don’t.’ And then because he couldn’t tell whether what he’d just said was the truth or a lie, he turned and walked out the ward, not looking back even when he heard the low mocking laughter following him out.

**********

He left it two days before he caved.

It was his next day off. They got one in every five, a whole day to just shoot the breeze or catch up on letters. Dwight had wanted to check out the nearby villages and Demelza and Caroline had agreed to take him so they had hitched a ride down on a jeep early that morning. Ross had lazed around for a while, had chow and then decided that he needed a walk.

He was most definitely not going to check up on a certain helicopter pilot.

He took the route he had that first night, down to the beach and along the white sand towards the Americal side. The airfield was slap bang in the middle and that part of the beach was fairly crowded with soldiers on their own days off. Ross passed the life guard station and felt a shiver go down his spine, then turned in and made his way through the gaps and past the out-post towards the airfield. He was briefly stopped to have his ID checked and then allowed to head off towards the helicopter revetment. There were two units there, the 54th and the 116th Assault Helicopter Company who normally provided the gunships that accompanied the Dustoffs on their missions.

The Stingers, as they were known, had their HQ and barracks on the other side of the airfield in the trees. The 54th, under the command of the venerable Major Brady who had himself been under the command of the legendary Kelly, had their hooches on the near side, exposed to the air and sea breezes. The double storey brick building was in fact the enlisted barracks, with the officers in a series of hooches running down from it towards the bluff.

Ross walked up to the line of buildings and the adjacent revetment and saw that it had two birds sitting on the concrete. One of them was 51 and he saw two crewmen busy putting in a new plexiglass panel over the right pilot’s seat. As he watched, Flint jumped out the side of the bird, smiling when he spotted Ross. He was shirtless, his dark skin sweat streaked and his hands grubby and he had his t-shirt wound around his head like a turban.

‘Hey Doc.’ he called and came over, snatching a rag from his back pocket and cleaning off his hands before greeting Ross. ‘What you doin’ round these parts.’

‘Came to check on my patients and see how the other half lives.’ Ross replied, returning the smile.

‘Yeah?’ Flint fished out a cigarette from the depths of his turban and lit it. ‘Benny’s doin’ good. Bitching like a cheap whore about his ass, which means he’s okay.' Ross chuckled.

‘What about the other one?’ he asked, keeping it as casual as he could. Flint snickered.

‘Not happy with you for grounding him.’ he replied, blowing out a stream of smoke. ‘But other than that he seems okay.’

‘Well, if I check him out today, maybe I can clear him.’ Ross said. ‘If I’m satisfied that he’s recovered enough that it. Concussions are tricky things.’

‘Do what you can, Doc.’ Flint said. ‘Anything will be good with us. Hawk lives to fly so he’s been a royal pain in the ass for the last couple of days.’ Ross smiled, in spite of himself.

‘Where is he?’ he asked and Flint nodded at the hooches.

‘Follow the white rabbit.’ he said cryptically and gave Ross a jaunty salute before heading back to the bird.

Ross turned in the direction Flint had indicated and walked down the line of hooches. It wasn’t too long before he heard music and grinned at the words.

_And if you go chasing rabbits_  
_And you know you're going to fall_  
_Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar_  
_Has given you the call_  
_Call Alice_  
_When she was just small_

Ross followed it all the way down and came to a gap between two hooches with a sandbagged bunker built into the ground. There was a trail of smoke coming from it and he could smell the distinctive aroma of hash. On a crate outside sat the portable record player and Grace Slick was just hitting her stride. He went and stuck his head in and saw that the interior of the bunker was big enough to accommodate more than a few people. Currently it was occupied by four – Benny, LJ and two others he recognised from the Dustoffs but hadn’t been introduced to. LJ saw him and broke out into a wide smile, handing off the joint to the soldier next to him.

‘Doc!’ he called. ‘How you doing?’

‘Fine.’ Ross couldn’t help giving Benny a look of admonishment and the medic shrank down. ‘Not exactly what you would call conducive to healing, is it?’

‘It’s okay.’ LJ gave the young soldier a fond look. ‘This way he doesn’t even know he has an ass.’ That got a round of chuckles from the other three and one of the soldiers slapped Benny on the knee. ‘So what brings you to our humble abode?’

‘I’m looking for Hawk.’ Ross said. ‘And him.’ He nodded at Benny. ‘Checking in to see you two are healing properly. Looks like I needn’t have bothered.’

‘If you say so, Doc.’ There was a hint of something in LJ’s words, a twinkle in his black eyes. ‘But I think that it’s not going to be a completely wasted journey.’ He nodded to the outside behind him. ‘Hawk’s in the hooch. Last bunk on the left.’

‘Thanks.’ Ross straightened up and went to the rather rickety wooden stairs that led up. He ascended and opened the screen door and went in. Unlike his and Dwight’s accommodations, this was far more rudimentary. There were eight cots, not beds, all dressed in the ubiquitous khaki sleeping bags, and there were large scrap wood lockers standing between them. He moved down the line to the far end, and stopped in front of the one that belonged to Jim. The corner itself was immaculate, a hand-made wooden shelf affixed to the wall above and filled with books. There was also a blue and white surfboard suspended from the ceiling above and a strong smell of coconut which appeared to be emanating from a block of wax on the top of the shelf. There was also a white puka shell necklace lying coiled up next to it and Ross wondered if it had been a gift from someone back home.

‘Sometimes the stereotypes are based in fact.’ Jim’s voice startled him and Ross spun around and then had to stop himself from gasping. Even still, his breath hitched in a way that it really shouldn’t have.

‘What do you mean?’ he asked and Jim grinned and nodded at the corner.

‘Surfboards, California…’ he trailed off. ‘Never mind, it was a stupid joke.’ He moved and Ross stepped aside to let him past, trying not to breathe in too deeply. Jim was clearly just out of the shower, shirtless and wet haired, and Ross drank in his compactly muscled body and deep tan. He looked away as Jim retrieved a t-shirt from the locker next to his cot and pulled it on. ‘What are you doing here anyway?’

‘I came to check how you are.’ he replied.

‘I’m grounded.’ Jim said, light eyes narrowing at him. ‘Unless you’re going to look me over and tell me I’m not.’

‘I did come to see if that was possible.’ Ross said, now feeling completely unsettled. The way Jim was looking at him so intently was getting under his skin. ‘I can check you now if you want.’

‘Okay.’ Jim looked around. ‘Where do you want me?’

‘Bed’s fine.’ Ross said and then felt embarrassment flare through him at the potential that little exchange held. ‘I mean if you sit down on the bed then I can look at you.’ He cast around for a chair so he didn’t have to see Jim’s response and went to get one from the other side. He dragged it to where Jim was now sitting on the foot of his cot and turned it around so he could straddle it, the barrier between them making him feel a little safer. ‘You been having any headaches?’

‘No.’ Jim replied. ‘Just sore where I hit it.’

‘Can I…’ Ross started and Jim shrugged.

‘My hair’s still wet.’ he said.

‘That’s not a problem.’ Ross steeled himself and checked the bump. It had mostly gone down but Jim hissed a little as he probed it gently with his fingertips. ‘It still hurts?’

‘A bit.’ he replied. Ross took his hands away, resisting the urge to keep touching.

‘Look at me.’ he said, trying to sound as professional as he could. ‘I need to check your pupils.’ Jim looked at him, his expression perfectly neutral. ‘Close your eyes for me.’ Jim obeyed and that left Ross to be able to just take him in, his eyes cataloguing an abundance of tiny details – almost invisible scatterings of freckles across Jim’s nose and cheeks, the thickness of his light gold eyelashes, the full mouth that Ross found himself aching to kiss. That last thought spurred him back into action and he berated himself for his lack of control.

‘You’re staring, Doc.’ Jim said and amusement coloured his voice, the low rich tone coming back. ‘Am I distracting you?’ It set off a lurch of fear in Ross’ stomach and he bit his lip.

‘Open.’ he said, a little brusquer than he meant to be and Jim opened his eyes and looked right up at him. It took exactly one second for Ross to fall in and drown. He tried to focus on the contraction of Jim’s pupils but it was very hard to concentrate and the light wasn’t very bright. He looked away again to hide the rush of feeling he was experiencing. ‘You look fine.’ He got up and grabbed the chair, dragging it behind him to put it back where he’d gotten it from. ‘I’ll notify your CO that you’re cleared to fly.’ He started to walk away, but there was a noise behind him and then he felt Jim’s hand on his wrist and froze in place.

‘You’re not used to this, are you?’ It seemed like more than a statement than a question. Ross kept his eyes firmly on the floor and then shook his head.

‘No.’ he eventually said, fighting to keep his voice from shaking and not succeeding particularly well. ‘I’m not.’ He looked down at where Jim’s hand was still holding on, the touch of his fingers burning like brands into Ross’ skin. ‘I need to go.’

‘Hang on.’ Jim let him loose and then walked back to his locker and took out a drab shirt and put it on, then grabbed something from the shelf inside. He walked back over to Ross and moved to stand in front of him. ‘You want to get out of here for a bit?’ Ross looked up at him and was astonished to see that Jim’s eyes held a hint of uncertainty, like he wasn’t at all sure about what was happening either and that made him feel better.

‘Yeah.’ he said, his voice barely audible. ‘I do.’

**********

Jim walked him down to the airfield PX and they got sodas and then went to sit on a pile of crates at the edges of the revetments in the sun. Jim had put his sunglasses on and Ross copied the gesture, thankful to have something to hide behind after the odd little exchange had left his hands shaking. Jim lit two cigarettes from his pack and handed one to him and Ross took it, drawing on it deeply to calm his nerves. They sat in silence for what seemed like an age before he got up the courage to speak.

‘How long have you known?’ he asked and Jim gave him a quick sidelong glance.

‘I’ve always known.’ he replied. ‘But if you’re asking me when I admitted it to myself, it was in high school.’ He sighed and looked out at the landing strip. ‘You?’

‘I’m engaged.’ Ross found himself saying. ‘That probably says all it needs to.’

‘Fuck.’ Jim sounded sympathetic and part of Ross hated him for that, while the other part wanted to latch on and never let go. ‘That’s rough.’ He inhaled. ‘I’m assuming she doesn’t know?’

‘Of course not.’ Ross flicked the ash off his cigarette. ‘And I obviously don’t plan on telling her.’

‘You ever fuck her?’ Jim asked. The question was so blunt it took Ross by surprise and he went scarlet.

‘Christ.’ He looked at his boots. ‘Once.’

‘And?’ Jim was now looking at him and Ross got the distinct impression he was now being studied in turn from behind the dark glasses. ‘Was it..’

‘It was awful.’ The confession was blurted out, but once he’d said it Ross found himself feeling a whole lot better. Jim huffed a soft laugh.

‘That sounds familiar.’ he said. ‘I tried. A few times. It never took.’

‘So now…’ Ross desperately wanted to ask but couldn’t bring himself to form the words.

‘Now I do what you saw the other night.’ Jim replied. He flicked his cigarette butt into the white sand. ‘We’re not the only ones, but the rules make it necessary to keep it quiet. No-one can know.’

‘I don’t even know if I am one.’ Ross said, quick to try and distance himself. That got a crooked smile.

‘The fact we’re even talking about this means you probably are.’ he said. ‘Look, it’s none of my business but you’re the one that came looking for me.’

‘I know.’ Ross ditched his own butt and then lit another. ‘I’m just really…’ He sighed heavily.

‘Confused?’ Jim nodded. ‘I know what that feels like.’ He drank the last of his soda and flipped the bottle. ‘Maybe you need to try it and see. Then you’ll be sure.’

‘What was it like for you?’ Ross asked. ‘Was it different?’

‘Like a light being turned on in my head.’ Jim said. ‘It was incredible. It felt…right.’ He was the one looking away now and Ross wanted to reach over and touch him, to wipe that sad distant look off his face.

He kept his hands firmly to himself.

‘They teach us that it’s deviant behaviour in med school.’ he said, hearing his own hesitance. ‘If anyone found out, I’d probably have my medical license revoked. I certainly wouldn’t be able to keep practising at any rate. No-one back home knows.’ He looked at Jim. ‘Does your family know?’

‘My mom’s dead.’ Jim replied. ‘But I think she suspected. I was a quiet kid, and I was always small. Not big on the physical stuff, you know? My dad knows, and he’s okay with it. I mean, he doesn’t exactly tell anyone but we’re cool.’ He looked at Ross. ‘He’s never made me feel any less for being what I am.’

‘You’re lucky.’ Ross said, feeling bitterness well up inside him. ‘I don’t think my family would ever speak to me again if they knew about…this.’

‘Is that why you signed up?’ Jim asked.

‘I think so.’ Ross replied. He’d never spoken aloud the reasons he’d had for volunteering, but knowing he was speaking to someone who understood made it easier to voice. ‘I thought that it would buy me some time. I mean, I’ll have to get married when I go back but I just wanted some space to think and Vietnam seemed about as far away as I could get. It’s stupid, but I feel like being here means I’m more of a man, if that makes any sense.’ He was startled when Jim started laughing.

‘It’s nuts.’ he said. ‘There’s guys back home pretending to be like us so they don’t have to be here, and there’s not a single one of us saying that’s what we are even though it could mean we get to stay.’

They sat out in the sun for a couple of hours, talking about their respective homes. By the time they got up, brushing the light dust from their fatigues Ross was pretty sure it was the longest and most honest conversation he’d ever had with anyone. Jim was easy to talk to, and it had all come spilling out – his family pressures and Elizabeth and how he had no idea what he was going to do when he went home.

‘How long are you staying here for?’ he asked Jim as they walked back.

‘As long as they’ll keep me.’ Jim replied. He had his hands in his pockets. ‘I can probably get away with three tours.’

‘Jesus.’ Ross frowned at him. ‘You could get killed.’

‘So?’ Jim looked at him. ‘This is the only place I’ve felt like I don’t have to look over my shoulder all the time. Here’s no-one cares that I’m queer, they just care about what I do. It’s the first time in my life there are other things to be afraid of and it’s kind of liberating.’

‘Did you volunteer?’ Ross asked and Jim nodded.

‘Yeah. I did two years of college and then thought I’d go to them before they came to me.’ he said. ‘I didn’t want to be drafted. This way I could pretty much choose what I wanted once I got out of flight school.’

‘You mean you volunteered for this too?’ Ross was shocked. ‘Christ, Jim. Why?’

‘Because I didn’t like the idea of killing people.’ Jim said. ‘This way I serve my country but it’s very unlikely I’ll ever be in that position. Chances are I’ll die first. Our casualty rate is about three times everyone else and I’ve already been shot down four times in the last year. Sooner or later I’ll get hit.’ He was so matter of fact about it that Ross was lost for words. They got to the hooches and Ross decided to try and catch a ride back with anyone that was heading up to the hospital. Jim walked him down to the airfield.

‘If you want to shoot the breeze again, you know where to find me.’ he said. Ross nodded and Jim gave him a last half smile and then turned and walked back towards the low lying buildings. When he got back he went in and saw it was still mostly empty. The only one there was LJ, reclining on his cot opposite Jim’s. He sat up, his black eyes thoughtful and watching Jim’s every step.

‘This is not a good idea.’ he said and Jim knew exactly what he was referring to but decided to play ignorant.

‘He just wanted to talk.’ he said.

‘Bullshit.’ LJ said and Jim sat down opposite him. ‘He’s not like you, Jim. You get mixed up with him, you’re in for a world of hurt. Not to mention opening yourself up to get caught.’

‘You think you’re telling me something?’ Jim bit back his anger. He knew that what LJ was saying was true. ‘Of course I know he’s not like me. He’s engaged. He’s so far in the closet he doesn’t even know if he likes cock or not.’ He shook his head and looked at LJ. ‘I’m too smart to fall for that. I have it under control. No-one’s going to find anything out because there’s going to be nothing to start with.’

‘Sure.’ LJ replied in a tone that told Jim he didn’t believe him. He lay back down. ‘Just remember what I said when it blows up in your face.’

‘He probably doesn’t even think of me like that.’ Jim replied.

‘Like hell he doesn’t.’ LJ snorted. ‘I know I’m an old married man, but I know what the way he looks at you means. All I’m sayin’ is be careful.’ Jim lay down on his own cot and stared up at the ceiling.

‘Don’t worry. It’s not like that.’ he said, clinging to the words is if they could convince himself that what he was saying was true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane. The lyrics here are a reference to both using drugs (rife during the Vietnam War, particularly amongst medevac crew) and following one's curiosity, which is what Ross is doing by going after his interest in Jim.
> 
> Also for those who are unaware, homosexuality was illegal at the time. When a soldier enlisted they would have to declare themselves homosexual on their medical form. The irony was that a lot of straight men tried to use this to dodge the draft while most gay men never ever declared themselves as such. It was the perfect place and way to hide from a society that criminalised them.


	3. Green River

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ross goes on his first MEDCAP run.
> 
> T/W for combat.

Four days later and Ross was in the meeting they had once a week for the hospital personnel to talk about the upcoming shifts. There were a couple of new people who’d arrived and one of them was a man that he and Dwight had decided that they did not like at all. George Warleggan was from an old D.C. political family and did not let people forget that. He was extremely fond of name dropping and talking in an overly loud voice and it drove both Ross and Dwight to distraction. He was pretentious and entitled and treated the nurses appallingly. Now he was complaining about something or other, Ross had long since stopped listening, and Anderson was sitting perched on his desk and wearing that look he got when he was supremely unimpressed, although he was far too polite to say anything.

‘Jesus Christ.’ Demelza breathed behind them. ‘Just shut up.’

‘Thank you, George.’ Anderson had just cut Warleggan off and was now consulting his clipboard again. ‘Last item. We need a volunteer to go and do vaccinations at the Sainte Marie orphanage at 0900.’ He cast an eye around the room. ‘Look, I know it’s up country but we need someone to do it. I have room on the bird for a doctor and a nurse.’

‘Which bird?’ someone asked and Anderson checked his sheet of paper.

’51.’ he replied and Ross’ hand was up before he even realised he’d moved it.

‘I’ll do it.’ he said and Anderson looked momentarily shocked, but he recovered quickly.

‘Thank you, Ross.’ he said and wrote it down.

‘Are you nuts?’ Dwight hissed at him. ‘You never volunteer for anything in the army.’ The meeting finally ended and Anderson called Ross over.

‘You’ve never been up country.’ he said. ‘I need to run through a few things with you.’

‘I did basics, sir.’ Ross replied. ‘I know it’s hot and I am prepared to look after myself.’

‘Good.’ Anderson said. ‘Come on, I’ll tell you about what you’ll be doing.’ They walked out of the meeting room and down the corridor to Anderson’s tiny office and he ushered Ross inside. ‘Sit.’ Ross sat down and Anderson took the chair on the other side of the desk. ‘All right. The orphanage is in Quang Tri. It’s pretty isolated, started by a Catholic nun in the late thirties. It’s got a usable LZ though and that’s how they survive. We take in what we can spare. There’s a rudimentary hospital there and they treat the villagers that are sympathetic to the US. The Mother Superior is French. She’s been taking in any kids that have been orphaned by the action around there. In return we supply any medical care we can. At the moment she’s got about thirty and they need measles and smallpox vaccinations.’

‘I can do that.’ Ross said. ‘Health checks?’

‘The basics.’ Anderson said. ‘I’m sending Clayton and as many supplies we can spare with you. He’s been there plenty of times. I prefer not to send a female nurse into the back country if I don’t have to.’

‘Clayton will be fine.’ Ross said. The male nurse was a regular on his shifts and he enjoyed working with him. ‘What am I taking with me?’

‘The usual kit, plus the vaccinations.’ Anderson said. ‘You got a sidearm?’

‘No.’ Ross replied. ‘But I know how to use one.’

‘Here.’ Anderson said. He opened a drawer of his desk and took out a pistol. Ross immediately recognised it as a Colt M1911, the standard sidearm for the Army which took .45 ACP rounds. He was very familiar with them, having been taught to use them in his training at Fort Houston. ‘51 will be dropping an LRRP off with you as well, your escort while you’re there. When you’re done they’ll come back and get you and the patrol will head off to scout.’ Ross nodded and got up, taking the pistol with him.

‘Thank you, sir.’ he said and Anderson tipped his cap.

‘Don’t do anything stupid, Ross.’ he said. ‘Keep your head down and do what you’re told. The patrol leader you’re going with is a sharp man. Follow his lead.’

Ross nodded and left the room, his stomach starting to churn as he realised what he’d just done. He went back to the ER and Dwight came over to him.

‘Are you sure about this?’ he asked. ‘Christ, it’s dangerous out there. A whole lot of the guys coming in here are out of there.’

‘I know that.’ Ross replied. ‘But I want to see what it’s like.’ He shrugged. ‘I feel like we’re kind of sheltered here.’

‘We are.’ Dwight said. ‘And that’s the way I like it. I have no need to go somewhere my ass could get shot off.’

‘It’s not bad up there.’ Demelza said as she went past. ‘I’ve been a few times and it’s pretty quiet. We’ve got a heavy presence around the orphanage and the locals are friendly.’ She smiled at Ross. ‘I think it’ll be good for you to see what’s out there.’

The rest of the next two hours were spent helping pack up the kit Ross would need to conduct the health checks of the thirty children and the small cardboard boxes that contained ampules of vaccine. Clayton was waiting for him as he did the last minute checks and put on his flak vest and helmet, things he hadn’t worn in an age. They felt cumbersome and odd but he knew that he would be very grateful if they were needed.

Dustoff 51 was due at 0900 and they went to the door to wait for them to arrive and pack in the kit. Sure enough, as the second hand of Ross’ watch ticked over, they came up over the bluff. He watched, knowing that Jim was back in the pilot’s seat, and let his heart thump away at the deft way he set the bird down. The rotors slowed and then stopped so they could pack and Flint and Benny hopped out to come lend a hand. They said hello to Ross and chatted to Clayton while they put the boxes of spare medical supplies for the orphanage in, giving Ross a few seconds to step over to the pilot’s window and lean in once Jim had pushed it back. He smiled at him, and Ross saw that the bloodstain in his eye was pretty much gone, leaving just the sparkling blue-green. He looked at Jim, seeing how different he was in his flight uniform, the helmet making him look strangely young, and smiled back.

‘Doc.’ LJ said past him. ‘You ready to rock and roll?’

‘I think so.’ Ross had to tear his eyes away from Jim to answer. ‘I’m looking forward to seeing what’s out there.’

‘Don’t.’ Jim replied. ‘It can turn to shit in a second.’ His eyes were sharp, focused. ‘And you listen to what we tell you.’

‘I got it.’ Ross couldn’t resist another smile. It had been four days since their talk and he felt like it had opened a door inside him. ‘I’ll be the perfect passenger.’ There was a flicker of something deep in the blue-green and then Jim was all business again.

‘Get your ass in the back, Doc.’ he said. Ross tapped the side of the window and went. The patrol they were taking was already in, crouched and sitting wherever they could among the boxes. Flint directed him to the small jump seat and then slammed the door shut. Ross strapped himself in, taking a look at the patrol they were sending out. There were six of them, battle hardened and cold-eyed and he was a little afraid of them, knowing their reputation. Apart from a subdued greeting, they didn’t talk much. Ross looked them over, noting the graffitied helmets and mismatched kit, the way they cradled their M16s like children. The CO was introduced as a Corporal Haynes, a dark eyed and lean man who gave Ross a solemn nod.

In front Jim was flicking switches overhead and talking to LJ. There was the deep rumble as the engine started back up and the rotors began to turn, making their characteristic whomp-whomp sound and shaking the entire fuselage so that everything was rattling as the whine from the engines escalated in pitch and volume. From where he was sitting, Ross could see Jim and LJ from the back and listen to LJ work the radio. He was fascinated, his eyes drawn to the figure on the right and knowing it was him taking the bird up into the air. Jim adjusted the throttle and the vibrated smoothed out and Ross could feel the power from the engines building underneath him. In spite of himself and his knowledge that this wasn’t a joyride, he was excited.

There was a feeling of momentum being overcome and then the bird lifted off. Ross saw how Jim worked it with both hands, one for the throttle to control speed and the other for the joystick to control lift. He took them up and then banked out over the bluff, and Ross looked out the window to his right and saw the ground falling away. They were now over the sea and the waves curled underneath them and then Jim banked again in the opposite direction and they turned inland.

‘ETA’s forty-five minutes.’ Flint said to Ross. Ross nodded in reply and went back to staring at the vista below him, the white bare sand of the airfield quickly changing to green and the broad stretches of field until it became thicker forest.

There was no real conversation, only the perfunctory comments from Jim and LJ to each other and the chatter on the radio. Ross wasn’t too concerned. They had told him it was normal for outbounds to be quiet and then they would let go on return flights once they had gotten out of hairy situations and were safely in the air. There was a cassette deck stashed in the netting above Benny’s head and he turned and pressed one of the buttons and music filled the back of the bird, both he and Flint tapping their feet and singing softly along to it. The patrol chimed in and it gave the whole situation that touch of unreality that everything in Vietnam seemed to have.

_Well, take me back down where cool water flows, yeah._   
_Let me remember things I love,_   
_Stoppin' at the log where catfish bite,_   
_Walkin' along the river road at night,_   
_Barefoot girls dancin' in the moonlight._

_I can hear the bullfrog callin' me._   
_Wonder if my rope's still hangin' to the tree._   
_Love to kick my feet 'way down the shallow water._   
_Shoefly, dragonfly, get back to your mother._   
_Pick up a flat rock, skip it across Green River._

Ross noticed that there was shadow coming alongside and saw it was another Huey. This one was armed though, a wicked looking M60 on the side that showed it was a gunship. He saw Jim look over and wave in greeting and the AC in the gunship waved back.

‘Who are they?’ he asked Flint, who leaned forward to look out the window.

‘Stingers.’ he said, grinning. ‘Those boys are our escort.’ He moved back and settled in his seat, then addressed LJ. ‘We expecting heat this ride?’

‘It’s a distinct possibility.’ LJ replied and Flint and Benny exchanged looks.

‘I don’t want to get shot in the ass again.’ Benny said over his shoulder.

‘You didn’t get shot in the ass.’ LJ said, sounding like an exasperated parent. ‘It was shrapnel.’

‘Well it was in my ass.’ Benny said.

‘Could have been worse.’ Jim said from his side. ‘Could have been somebody’s cock.’ There were snickers from the patrol and the others and Ross felt a little bit of heat flare at the sound of the word coming from Jim’s mouth and a little shocked at the fact that everyone there seemed nonplussed by what he was saying.

The flight was taking them north and he watched the terrain from hills rocky gorges and ravines shrouded in dense jungle. It was beautiful and also completely inhospitable and Ross marvelled that there was anyone living there, let alone an orphanage. Jim was now weaving the bird over and around the edges of the rocky outcrops and the air was getting hazy with humidity and fog. It gave the whole place an ethereal look, and Ross was entranced by the colours. The green was so lush it seemed the plants themselves were alive. It seemed very hard to believe that below them a war was being fought. Haynes turned to Ross.

‘How long you been in-country, Doc?” he asked and Ross looked back at him.

‘Going on for six weeks now.’ he replied. Haynes raised his eyebrows.

‘And this is your first ride?’ he asked.

‘It is.’ Ross replied. He frowned at the expression on Haynes’ face. ‘Is that a problem?’

‘FNG.’ someone muttered and Haynes glared at the knot of soldiers.

‘Stow it.’ he said. ‘He might sew your ass back together one day.’ He turned back to Ross. ‘Just need to know what I’m dealing with. You know how to use that?’ He nodded at the .45 on Ross’ hip.

‘I know my way around it.’ Ross replied. ‘But I’m not a soldier, Corporal. I’ll be looking to do what you tell me what to do.’ He knew that deference was what was needed here and he had no problems with doing it.

‘Well that’s a goddamn first.’ Haynes’ smile was wry. ‘All right then, Captain. You stick with us and you can give your shots and get your ass back on the bird safely.’

‘I’d appreciate it.’ Ross replied. Haynes nodded at him and then fell back into silence.

Thirty minutes later and Ross could see the mountains they were heading for. Flint had explained that the orphanage lay at the foot of two peaks, their domes shapes easily spotted and enclosing the building. It was a single story layout, two square internal courtyards with long low buildings forming the borders and with an external wall that ran around the perimeter. The local village was a few klicks away, and Anderson had given Ross extra vaccination ampules in anticipation that once the locals heard the helicopter they would probably come to the orphanage to take a look.

‘We’re taking her down now.’ LJ said, half over his shoulder. ‘You’ll be able to take everything off and then we’ll be on the move again. Our orders are to come pick you back up in four hours, Doc.’ Jim brought the bird down smoothly and Ross saw they were about to land in a small field to the west of the compound. He also saw there were people waiting for them.

‘All right, boys.’ Haynes said. ‘Look sharp.’ The soldiers hefted their rifles and moved to crouch by the door. The bird touched down and the soldier nearest opened it and slid it back and they hopped out with an ease that spoke of long experience. Ross watched them approach the group of people, crouching down as they moved to speak with the short Vietnamese woman in front. She was dressed in a green habit, her skirt and wimple caught by the currents whipped up by the rotors. Ross saw Haynes speak to her and he pointed back at the bird. She nodded and then the three men, also Vietnamese, started towards the bird and Benny and Flint moved to start unpacking the boxes into their waiting hands along with Clayton.

Ross unclipped his harness and got to his feet. He moved to get out and jumped to the ground, hand to his helmet before turning back and grabbing one of the remaining boxes and the khaki canvas bag he carried, slinging it over his shoulder. He looked back once and saw Jim looking out of the window at him. He raised a hand in greeting and Ross returned the gesture then moved to where the nun was standing. She nodded to him as he approached and Ross held out his hand.

‘ _Bonjour, Madame_.’ he said. ‘ _Je m’appelle Capitaine Poldark_.’

‘ _Vous êtes le docteur_?’ the nun asked, her French strangely accented, and he nodded and she shook his hand.

‘ _Oui_.’ he replied.

‘ _Suivez-moi_.’ she replied and turned to walk back towards the compound. Flint was next to him, handing over the last of the boxes and he slapped him on the shoulder.

‘See you in a couple of hours, Doc.’ he said and then he and Benny headed back to the bird and climbed aboard, slamming the door closed behind them. Clayton and the patrol were already moving towards the compound, except for Haynes, and Ross watched as the Huey lifted off the ground and moved backwards a little before Jim turned her and she rose further into the air and started to fly back out over the treetops.

‘Let’s get going.’ Haynes said. ‘We’ll set up a perimeter.’ He started walking away and Ross fell in step next to him. He noted the comfortable way Haynes held his rifle, barrel down. He’d always felt really awkward handling firearms in his training and even the pistol on his hip felt out of place.

The Mother Superior was waiting just inside the compound for them. They entered through a pair of iron gates built into the wall and Ross saw her. She was a venerable looking woman, handsome and tall with stern grey eyes.

‘Doctor Poldark?’ she asked.

‘Yes.’ he replied and she held out her hand for him to shake.

‘You are timely.’ she replied and then she looked at Haynes, her expression souring just a little. Haynes caught the change and grinned. He whistled once and the other patrol soldiers set down the boxes they were carrying and trotted back over to him.

‘We’ll catch you later, Doc.’ he said and they exited the garden. Ross frowned and then looked at the nun and she tilted her head slightly.

‘We prefer them to stay outside.’ she said. ‘Their hands are tainted.’ She gestured to the first of the low buildings in front of them. ‘This way please.’ Ross looked back once at the retreating soldiers, getting a last grin from Haynes before they disappeared around the wall. He sighed and hefted the box, suddenly feeling a little less secure.

He followed the nun and her staff into a doorway and through a corridor that led out into the first of the interior courtyards that he had seen from the air. Clayton was already there and being swamped by small children that were laughing and crowing around him. The younger nun Ross had spoken to first was smiling at them all, and she nodded in deference as the Mother Superior approached. Clayton was grinning and setting the kit down. Then he took his own med bag off and started handing out sweets from it. The Mother Superior tutted and her thin lipped expression did not endear her to Ross much.

‘You can set up here.’ she said, and now Ross caught the arrogant lilt in her voice. She gave the other nun a stern off and moved off in a swirl of skirts. Ross waited for her to go inside before looking at the younger nun.

‘ _Elle est tres ferôce_.’ he said and the nun looked startled and then giggled, hiding her mouth behind her hand.

‘ _Madame est serieux._ ’ she replied and the looked at Clayton and switched to halting English. ‘You must stop bringing the sweets, Clayton. She does not like them.’

‘Well, that’s ‘cause she’s not sweet.’ Clayton replied with a wicked grin and dug a candy bar out of his pocket and handed it to her. The nun’s eyes sparkled and she secreted it in her pocket. Meanwhile the children had now decided that it was Ross’ turn to be inspected and they gathered around him, chattering in that unselfconscious way that children had. Ross smiled down at them and got to work.

Three hours later and he’d vaccinated all the children from the orphanage and the nearby village. Clayton was an able assistant and the kids clearly adored him, in spite of his bear like appearance. He was currently having a break, although he was spending most of it doling out piggy back rides. Ross was impressed to hear him speaking in Vietnamese with them. The young nun, who turned out to be named Soeur Agathe, brought them lunch. It was simple, vegetable soup and noodles and Ross ate it hungrily before turning to the health checks he was doing. It seemed like every person in the village had turned up and there was a line some twenty-eight deep, all waiting for him to have a look at them. He worked steadily, dispensing advice and medications through the excellent translations skills of Soeur Agathe and putting on his best diplomatic manner when he was introduced to the village leader. When the final villager had been seen, a heavily pregnant young woman that he examined and was happy to pronounce in good health, Ross and Clayton packed up and said their goodbyes. Soeur Agathe and one of the compound workers walked them out and down to the field to wait for 51 to come and pick them back up.

Ross looked around, wondering where Haynes and his men had gone to. He was more than a little startled to see Haynes melt out of a clump of trees to his right. He came over and Ross could see he was now wearing a face full of camo paint, the black and green tiger stripes contrasting with his sharp light blue eyes.

‘Doc.’ he said. ‘All good?’

‘All good.’ Ross replied. ‘Have you been out here the whole time.’

‘All around.’ Haynes said with a sharp-edged grin. ‘Gotta look after the visitors.’

‘How long are you going to be out here?’ Ross asked and Haynes looked up at the sky.

‘As long as we need to be.’ There was a flash of white teeth and then he turned and looked over the trees. ‘Your bird’s on its way.’ Ross frowned. He couldn’t hear anything but then he concentrated and a few seconds later he heard the distant rumble of the Huey’s engines. Impressed he looked back at Haynes. Haynes winked at him and held out a hand.  
‘Catch you on the flip side, Captain.’ he said and Ross shook his hand and watched the patrol leader head back into the undergrowth. The Huey came out over the trees, coming to hover above him and the others before it descended. Ross watched it land and then turned to Soeur Agathe.

‘Merci, Madame.’ he said and she smiled and waved him and Clayton off as they trotted over to the bird, the door open and Flint and Benny waiting to haul them in.

‘You have fun?’ Flint asked as he gave Ross a hand and hauled him in.

‘It was good.’ Ross replied and found that he meant it. It had been a little break from the odd state of being he’d come to associate with the hospital and the unrelenting stream of casualties. He flopped into the jump seat and belted himself in. Clayton took the one next to him.

‘You did good, Doc.’ he said, his deep voice a gentle rumble. ‘I’d be happy to come out here with you again.’

‘Likewise.’ Ross said. His eyes though were drawn to the front, to the right hand side in particular.

‘We in?’ LJ asked.

‘Affirmative.’ Flint replied. Ross felt the bird lift and then they were up and flying, the green field and the lighter shades of Soeur Agathe’s habit falling away below them. Jim banked the Huey and they started to fly towards where the horizon was taking on that late afternoon haze, the sun behind them. Ross sat back in his seat and fell into a meditative state, watching Jim fly the bird and listening to Flint and Benny hum Motown tunes under their breath. Next to him, Clayton was snoring in minutes. They were about twenty minutes into the flight when the radio crackled and LJ answered it. There was something in the tone of his voice that alerted Flint and Benny and they looked at each other, their manner changing in an instant.

‘Negative.’ LJ was saying. ‘I have MEDCAP on board, repeat MEDCAP on board.’

‘What is he talking about?” Ross asked and Flint shifted in his seat, almost thrumming with nervous energy now.

‘They’re calling in a mission.’ he said. Clayton was now awake, somehow sensing the change in mood even while drowsing.

‘Who is it?’ Benny asked and LJ half turned.

‘53 is down.’ he said and his voice was flat. Next to him, Jim hadn’t uttered a word. ‘They got zapped trying to extract.’

‘As in shot down?’ Ross asked, his stomach curling into a tight knot. He knew about this, had heard what happened when a Dustoff crew went down. ‘You have to go.’

‘We can’t.’ LJ explained. ‘We have you and Clayton on board.’

‘Hey man, I’m cool.’ Clayton said. ‘If you’ve got men down you go.’

‘I agree.’ Ross said. ‘You can’t leave them out there just because of us, and we can help.’

‘Shit.’ LJ looked at Jim. Jim still said nothing but LJ had obviously read his face because he reached for the radio. ‘Control, this is Dustoff 51. We’re on our way, over.’

‘Roger that, 51.’ the controller said on the other side. ‘Location is 55370 Sierra Alpha, over.’

‘Fuck.’ It was the first thing Ross had heard Jim say and his voice was tight. ‘That’s some hilly shit right there.’

‘You going to be okay to take this?’ LJ asked and Jim snorted.

‘Like you could fly it, old man.’ he said, but LJ didn’t seem to take offence. Then he put the Huey into such a tight turn that it seemed like it was standing on its nose and swung around so they were heading east. He raised a hand and dropped his visor down to block out the sun.

‘All right.’ LJ turned in his seat as much as he could to look at Ross and Clayton. ‘This is not going to be a picnic. Our LZ is hot and there’s going to be live fire. You two keep your goddamn heads down and stay in the bird. We’re not risking your safety. Flint and Benny know what they’re doing. You can administer all the aid you want but you do it from in here. Understood?’

‘Yes.’ Ross replied. Next to him, Clayton nodded.

‘Dustoff 51, be advised critters are in the area.’ the controller said. ‘Switch to frequency 78 Niner for patrol, over.’ LJ reached up and flipped frequencies and spoke into the radio.

‘This is Dustoff 51. Our ETA is fifteen minutes, we are about forty klicks out, over.’

‘Roger that, Dustoff.’ The voice coming through now was crackly and hard to hear properly. ‘We are November Echo of the LZ, currently pinned down but trying to get to you, over.’

‘How hot is it, over?’ LJ asked and there was a noice over the radio that sounded like explosions.

‘We have hostiles to our Sierra Echo, over.’ the voice said. ‘There are RPGs. The bird that went down is still on the LZ. You should see the smoke, over.’

‘Fuck.’ Jim said. ‘They didn’t make it out.’

‘Can you confirm if bird was destroyed, over?’ LJ asked and there was more static before the voice came through again.

‘We saw it fall, can confirm it was on fire.’ the soldier replied. ‘Don’t think there were survivors, over.’

‘Okay.’ Jim said. ‘Tell them I’m going to try and land long enough for them to haul ass and get to us but they need to get moving. Here’s hoping Charlie’s aim is off for a second shot.’

‘There.’ LJ was pointing ahead of them and Ross could now see a trail of black smoke coiling above the tree tops. Jim took them up a little higher and Flint moved to open the side door, leaning out with one foot on the skid.

‘There’s a clearing.’ he yelled, the sound of the rotors making him almost inaudible.

‘I see it.’ Jim said, still perfectly calm.

Ross moved to the edge of his seat, wary of falling but curious. He saw where Flint pointed and there was a fairly large gap in the trees, littered with uprooted stumps. He could now also see the remains of the Huey, its fuselage crumpled and buckled from the impact when it had crashed. The smoke was coming from a fire in the rear rotor section, but the bulk of the bird was simply smashed. Jim was right, it was unlikely there was anyone left alive in there and he felt his stomach sink down to the bottom of his boots.

The first shot took him completely by surprise and Ross lurched back into his seat, startled. There were others now, sounding like someone was throwing stones on a tin roof and he realised with a shock that they were under attack.

‘They’re shooting at us?’ he said and Benny gave him a short nod, his expression grim.

‘They tend to do that, Doc.’ Jim said from the front, sarcasm underscoring his words. ‘It’s a bad habit they have.’ His next words were to Flint and Benny, cast over his shoulder. ‘I’m going in. Get ready to jump and roll.’

As they descended the smoke from the downed Huey started to coil with the air currents and a great spiral formed around them. It was acrid, the fuel making the air taste horrible. The patter of small arms fire increased the closer they got to the ground.

‘They’re not coming out.’ Benny was peering into the treeline. ‘The bastards are staying out of sight. I hope to Christ that the LGPs have fucked off.’

‘Yeah, well you know what to do if they haven’t.’ Flint said from his post. ‘Put your head between your legs…’

‘And kiss your ass goodbye.’ they all chorused and then laughed. The sound was jarring, the gallows humour in it harsh to Ross’ ears. He was starting to understand why they were like they were.

‘In and out as quick as a bunny.’ LJ said and the bird landed with a thump. Ross watched as Flint and Benny barrelled out with a stretcher and then caught sight of a line of men coming towards them, heads down. He couldn’t hear anything but LJ was still in contact with the team leader.

‘How many casualties, over?’ he asked.

‘We’ve got three down, seven walking wounded, all on their way down to you, over.’ the team leader replied. There was the sound of gunfire now audible over the channel and LJ winced.

‘This is too hot to leave them.’ Jim said. ‘Ask him how many in total.’

‘Shit, Jim.’ LJ sounded unsure. ‘We’re going to be over capacity.’

‘You let me worry about getting her in the air.’ Jim said. ‘Ask.’

‘How many in total, over.’ LJ said and there was a moment of silence before the soldier came back.

‘Including casualties, there’s twelve of us, over.’ he replied and Jim nodded.

‘Tell them to get their asses down here.’ he said. ‘If they stay up there they’re dead for sure.’

‘Yeah, can you make it down, over.’ LJ said and the relief in the soldier’s voice was palpable.

‘We’ll do our best.’ he said. LJ cut the channel and looked at Jim.

‘We’re gonna get our asses blown up.’ he said. ‘Those RPGs may not be here now but they will be soon.

‘I got this.’ Jim sounded almost peaceful and Ross found himself wondering just what was going through his mind. Benny and Flint were now at the bird, loading the first stretcher in and Ross could see that there were others behind them. On instinct he undid his harness and moved to the door, hauling the stretcher in with Clayton, who was now by his side. He noticed that the men helping to carry the three stretchers were all wounded themselves and one or two had to be boosted into the bird. He moved back in, assessing the men that were the worst off and trying his hardest to ignore the smells and sounds, and just focus. He crouched down by the one they had put on the floor and started working, checking the soldier’s injuries, which were grave. He’d been shot in the gut, bright red and dark red blood spilling over his fingers, and Ross knew it was bad, probably fatal. Clayton and Benny were busy as well, putting on compression bandages to try and stem bleeding and checking their patient’s vitals while Flint attended to the walking wounded. Ross had a moment to admire the way that Benny worked, pleased to see how competent he was for someone so young and relatively inexperienced. His patient had a leg shot, and he’d very efficiently gotten the bleeding under control and was now working on the man’s hand which was a mess of shredded bone and flesh.

‘Jesus Christ.’ LJ said. ‘We need to go…’

‘One more minute.’ Jim replied. ‘Just give ‘em a minute.’

Under Ross’ hands the soldier he was working on went into a series of convulsions and his unseeing eyes rolled back in his head. A few seconds later he went limp and Ross knew he was gone. He got up, starting to try and get to the other man Clayton was working on when he saw it. The clearing was now filled with smoke, but just as Ross looked up, the cockpit of the downed Huey fell into his line of sight and he saw something move. It took a moment to realise what it was and then it moved again and he could see it was the pilot. Later when he had time to process, Ross would be horrified at his disregard for his own safety. Right at that moment though he didn’t even hesitate and his first action was to climb over the other casualties on the floor of the bird and jump out the fuselage, running hell for leather in the direction of the downed Huey.

‘Ross! Where the fuck are you going? Get back here!’ Jim’s shout was drowned out by the sound of the rotors and bullets flying past him and his own blooding rushing in his ears. Ross ran, head down, and hurdled the bits of wreckage until he could get to the door of the cockpit. It was half busted open and he winced as he wrestled it open and cut himself along the forearm. Inside the cockpit was a mess of broken panels and instrumentation. The pilot was half in and half out of his harness and Ross could see from the unnatural angle of his knees that he’d obviously broken both legs in the crash. Apart from that he looked dazed and in great pain but he was alive. He looked at Ross, pleading wordlessly, and Ross looked across him to the AC, but it was clear from the way the man’s head lay that he was dead.

‘The other two are gone.’ It was a dry hoarse whisper, but it sounded deafening in Ross’ ear and he looked at the pilot again.

‘I’m going to get you out.’ he replied, reaching for his combat knife that was strapped to his other side and cutting away the harness straps. There was the sound of something flying overhead and then a massive explosion rocked the clearing. Thankfully it hadn’t hit 51, but Ross knew he was on borrowed time and he hauled the pilot out the seat and over his shoulder, ignoring the feeble cries of pain as he started to run as best he could back. Clayton met him halfway and together they managed to get the pilot into the bird and Flint slammed the door shut. Ross laid the pilot down on the floor as best he could and then saw that they also had the last three soldiers in with him.

‘Moment of truth.’ he heard Jim say. ‘Everyone pray to the deity of your choice that we get off the fucking ground.’ There was the sound of the engines powering up, an ear-splitting whine like the whole helicopter was protesting and then they were up. There was another whoosh from outside and Jim banked so hard that the whole thing lurched and everyone fell on top of each other before Ross saw another explosion out the window. The whole interior was dead quiet and then the bird gave a massive shudder and the ground fell away from them as they rose into the air. The tin can sounds were back but they faded as Jim took them higher and forward and finally the clearing was gone, left behind them as they flew towards safety. The rest of the ride was a blur as Ross worked on the other casualties with Benny and Clayton. The bird was moving almost sluggishly, horribly overloaded, and the engine was starting to sound sick.

‘Fuck.’ LJ’s voice was lost behind the crowded soldiers.

‘I got it, John.’ Jim replied and Ross could hear the quiet confidence in the words. ‘Trust me.’ Then he went back to what he was doing and the next thing Ross knew they were touching down and Flint was throwing open the door to the 91st’s landing pad. There were GMOs and medics waiting and they started to unload the casualties and Ross went with them, not even stopping to look back as he started talking, issuing instructions. He saw Dwight coming out to them, his trademark Hawaiian shirt flapping around him and he came over to Ross, one hand holding his cap down.

‘What the hell happened?’ he yelled and Ross shook his head, following the mass of people inside. He only looked back once and it was enough to see Jim was looking in his direction, then the bird lifted off and turned to fly back the way it had come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from Green River by Creedance Clearwater Revival


	4. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The send off and something changes.

At the end of his rotation, Ross was exhausted. He stumbled out and back to his hooch, not even bothering to undress apart from pulling off his shirt before he collapsed on his cot, asleep before his head even hit the pillow. He woke up the next morning to the sound of someone knocking on the frame of their door and he was immediately hit by a wave of hunger that would have flattened him if he hadn’t already been lying down. On the other side of the room, Dwight was already dressed and up and pulling on his shirt. He went to the door and opened it to Anderson. Their CO came in, and Ross battled into a sitting position as he rubbed his eyes to get the sleep out of them.

‘Morning.’ Anderson said, cheerful as always. It was a source of constant amazement to Ross that his CO's moods were as uncomplicated and unchanging as the idea that the sun always came up. He looked at Ross, his eyes twinkling. ‘You’ve had quite an impact downtown.’

‘’Sir?’ Ross was confused. Anderson chuckled and folded his arms and regarded him.

‘I was on the line to Brady not ten minutes ago.’ he said. ‘Singing your praises no less. I am damned happy you’re stuck with me, otherwise you’d probably find yourself ending up in a bird if he had his way. His boys have been telling him about how you threw yourself out of the Huey and went running into a live fire situation to pull Evans out. I have to say, I am impressed.’

That was when it clicked in his head. Evans was the pilot from the downed Dustoff 53.

‘How is he?’ he asked, reaching for his cigarettes, and Anderson shrugged.

‘Fracture of the proximal femoral head and a trimalleolar fracture of the left leg.’ he replied. ‘He said the instrument panel crushed him when they crashed. ‘A couple of broken ribs and a broken right clavicle. Apart from that, he’s alive which means one less in the bags. That’s always a good thing in my book.’ Ross stopped halfway through lighting his cigarette and raised his eyebrows at him.

‘Damn.’ he said, lighting it and then drawing his knees up and resting his elbows on them. ‘But I’m glad he’s alive.’

’51 went back after they dropped you off.’ Anderson said. ‘Brought back the others. They were all gone.’

‘They flew back.’ Ross asked. ‘I thought the bird was shot up?’

‘Crazy bastards took her out anyway.’ Anderson said. Dwight shook his head at that but didn’t comment. ‘It’s what they do. I think it’s one of the reason this shit doesn’t blow up as much as it could, knowing that if you get zapped out there you’ll come home.’ He sighed. ‘They’ll be taking this pretty hard. 53 was popular.’

Ross dragged deeply on his cigarette and thought about the men he’d only really know by association. Evans was one of the old men in the unit, in his late twenties with a wife and two children. The others had all been frighteningly young.

‘This place.’ Dwight said around his cigarette. ‘It chews you up and spits you out.’ They all fell silent for a moment and Anderson cleared his throat.

‘It’s kind of why I’m here.’ he said to Ross. ‘I know you’re in rotation for the next three days but I’m taking you out of R & E. There’s a MEDCAP mission down the coast. Babies and toddlers’ clinic. I’m sending you and Carne, give you a bit of a break. I know that’s the first action you’ve seen so maybe take a day to adjust. You can go spend the day looking at babies and then have the next day off. There was talk of 51 coming to initiate you. I hope your liver is up to it. Something is telling me you’re not coming back sober.’

‘Thank you sir.’ Ross felt a wave of gratitude. Anderson was a good CO and he knew the value of the personnel he had under his command. He nodded at Ross and then Dwight and left, letting the screen door bang closed behind him.

‘Well don’t that just beat all.’ Dwight said. He grinned at Ross. ‘You’re going to turn into one of them.’

‘Hardly.’ Ross swung his legs over the side of the cot. ‘But a couple of days downtime sounds good. He stood up and stretched, feeling the burn in the muscles of his back and shoulders.

‘Well, try not to get alcohol poisoning.’ Dwight laughed as he went to the door. ‘I’ll catch you later.’

Ross watched him go and went to the window, flicking the butt out into the sand outside. He grabbed his wash kit and towel and wandered off to the head, another anonymous building. At least this had actual basins lining one wall and cubicles along the other and he commandeered the closest one and showered, dressed and came back out to shave and brush his teeth. By the time he was done he felt much improved. He dropped his stuff off at the hooch and made his way to the mess tent where the usual fare was on offer. He was so hungry that even the powdered eggs couldn’t put a dent in his appetite and after he’d eaten and drunk two cups of black coffee, he felt human again and the buzz of adrenaline form the mission the day before started to lift him back up again. An hour later he and Demelza were in the back of a jeep heading down a dirt road to the village they were visiting. They talked about the day before, Ross giving her the details as they rode and she listened with eyes that grew progressively wider with each minute. By the time they arrived her face was paler than it normally was.

‘That son of a bitch.’ she said as they got out the jeep. ‘I knew he wasn’t telling me half of what goes on.’

‘He doesn’t want to worry you.’ Ross said. ‘And I can’t say I blame him.’ In truth the thought of what he now knew 51 had to contend with was making feel a little sick to his stomach. Demelza gave him a strange look, her blue eyes thoughtful. It made Ross wonder just what she was thinking about but he didn’t press her on it.

The village leader and his interpreter came to meet them and there were the usual greetings and exchanging of pleasantries which Ross was learning was of primary importance. They set up a trestle table for him and Demelza to use and a couple of low canvas seats, mostly because the children were so little and this seemed less intimidating. Demelza started laying out the supplies they would need and a small child was promptly placed in Ross’ lap. The child looked up at him, dark eyes wide, and Ross couldn’t help but smile at it. There were some words exchanged and the interpreter informed him that this was the chief’s granddaughter, a much loved and prized individual.

‘No pressure then.’ he said to Demelza and she smiled back at him. In his lap, the little girl gave him a gap-toothed grin and Ross fell in love for the first time that day.

********

Jim sat on a stack of sandbags, book on one hand and cigarette in the other as he watched Benny and LJ play a little one on one. Their boots pounded up clouds of white dust, the makeshift basketball court being at the far end of the revetment. Flint was with some of the ground crew, working on 51. She’d taken damage to her tail, undercarriage and the rotor. The second trip to retrieve the bodies of 53’s remaining crew had thankfully been short and without incident, the ARVN having moved on by that point.

Benny galloped past, laughing his great honking laugh as he tapped the ball out of LJ’s hands and dunked it in an unnecessarily showy fashion. LJ stopped, resting his hands on his knees as he bent over.

‘Fuck.’ he said and straightened up, breathing a little harder than he probably should have been .

‘You need to quit smoking old man.’ Benny grinned as he came back, dribbling the ball lazily. ‘You gonna let everyone know that a skinny Jew boy from Yonkers kicked your ass?’

‘Can you believe this motherfucker?’ LJ said to Jim and Jim gave him a half-smile and looked back at his book. ‘And who the hell are you calling old?’

‘Maybe you should quit smoking.’ Jim said. ‘Angie would thank you for it.’

‘You leave her out of this.’ LJ replied, waving an admonishing finger at him.

‘Come on already.’ Benny whined, tossing the ball to him. ‘You gonna talk shit or play.’ Jim and LJ exchanged looks. Benny was the human equivalent of a very excitable puppy most of the time.

‘I need a break.’ LJ said and Benny’s face fell.

‘No.’ he protested. ‘It’s such a nice day. Come on, I’ll even let you win.’

‘LJ!’ The call came from the revetment and Jim looked over to see Flint waving across at them.

‘Saved by the goddamn bell.’ LJ said and started walking towards him. Benny made an unhappy noise and then resigned himself to playing alone. He went back to jogging around the court and shooting the ball into the iron hoop fixed to the pole that had been driven into the ground. 51 was on third call, and the day had been quiet which meant a lot of down time. Jim settled back against the sand bags and tried to read, the sound of Benny moving around fading into the background. He tried to focus on the words in front of him, but it was impossible and he looked up into the glaring light, watching a couple of snakes fly over the airfield and out towards the jungle-covered hills that provided the backdrop to Chu Lai. True to form it was another beautiful day, the sky clear and blue and the sun almost blinding. Jim took his sunglasses from the pocket of his shirt, lying bundled up on the sandbags next to him, and put them on.

As it had all too often in the past weeks, his thoughts started to drift to someone they should definitely not have even been contemplating. Jim was torn, half of himself furious at the way Ross was invading his mind and the other half starting to look forward to the not unpleasant feeling in his chest, a little flicker of heat, every time he did think about him. Yesterday’s mission had not helped in the slightest. Jim was angry with Ross’ reckless disregard for his own well-being and also struck by his bravery. Evans was only alive because Ross had put his own ass on the line, and that was something Jim valued highly in a person. Brady had told them that Evans was laid up with nothing more than a couple of bad breaks and it was a single bright spark in the loss of an entire crew and bird. They would all bury how they felt, shove their emotions to the side and carry on doing their jobs because to do anything else was the way of madness. Another crew had already been requisitioned to take their place and had arrived that morning and were now on standby for two. The things belonging to 53 would be crated up and shipped home to their families and it would be like they had never been there. Jim was secretly hoping, as were they all, that the breaks would be bad enough to send Evans home to his wife and kids.

The sound of Benny’s footsteps approached and he flopped down onto the sandbags just below Jim. He bounced the ball a few times and then looked up at him and Jim braced himself for the inevitable barrage of questions. Benny was like a small child in some ways, especially when bored, and like to ask question after question until his apparently insatiable curiosity was satisfied. Jim had, however, developed quite a good technique for diverting this.

‘Mail truck came by about ten minutes ago.’ he said casually and Benny perked up immediately.

‘Yeah?’ His head swivelled in the direction of the PX and Jim smiled to himself.

‘Yeah.’ he replied. ‘Bet the guys would appreciate it if you went and got it. You’ve probably got something anyway.’ Benny had a mother, three aunts and two sisters that all doted on him and sent him care packages at least once a week. The hooch had, as a result, developed a taste for German candy and cake.

‘No problem.’ Benny was up, loping off to the PX, his ridiculously long legs eating up the ground. Jim watched him go and then went back to his contemplation. He lit another cigarette and watched the smoke coil lazily into the air.

He had never been in this position before. When he was in high school he’d been like any other teenager, except that the focus of his late night masturbation sessions just so happened to be boys that he knew instead of girls. There had been a few clandestine kisses and one very memorable jacking off under the bleachers, but that had been the sum total of his experiences. He’d only lost his virginity at college with another student of the same inclination and it had been both of them experimenting more than anything else. Then he’d gone to flight school and suddenly there were plenty of takers for his affections. Jim had received more of an education there and in more ways than one than all his years of school and college had given him. Helicopter training at Fort Worth had bought his first real interaction with the man he shared a room with, but it had been short-lived once they had graduated and separated through their different postings. Since then it had been the occasional GI, passing through on their way up-country and gone the next morning to whatever fate awaited them. He couldn’t even remember the name of his last fuck, the man that Ross had caught him with on the beach. The only details that stood out to him were that he’d had green eyes and a nice cock and that was all Jim recalled. Most of his recollections from that night centred around someone else entirely. If he concentrated he could still hear the soft gasp of surprise that had caught his attention in the first place.

Ross rattled him, badly.

Jim wasn’t sure what it had been that had made him trust Ross. He’d half been expecting to be turned in, but that first night up at the 91st he’d realised that was the last thing on Ross’ mind. He’d recognised him right off the bat. It had been a clear night and the moonlight had fallen on Ross’ face. So Jim had been expecting something, maybe a call to Brady or the MPs to turn up at his hooch, but there had been nothing. So he’d started watching Ross, measuring him up at the drinking sessions with the R & E personnel and soon Jim had realised that not only was Ross not going to turn him in, but that he was watching him every bit as intently even if he went all out to avoid actual conversation. In fact, he was acting like the whole thing had never happened and in Jim’s experience that meant that there was a good chance that Ross was the same as him.

That wasn’t what was eating at him though. Jim was not immune to a good looking man and Ross was extremely handsome, that almost black hair and those deep hazel eyes stirring feelings in Jim that he considered best left buried. He wasn’t Jim’s usual type, his obvious breeding and refinement shining through in the way he spoke and his manners, but he was doing things to Jim’s head (and his cock if he was being honest with himself) that were starting to become too much to ignore. Ross was on the way to looking pretty much irresistible and Jim knew that he definitely needed to put the brakes on if he wanted to stop himself from doing anything stupid.

Then had come the night flight mission, when Benny had ended up with shrapnel from the seat panel underneath him embedding itself in their ass and his windscreen had been shot out. He’d made it back, but had been unprepared for what he’d felt the second Ross had touched him with those sure, strong hands. Jim had put it down to his compromised mental state, but two days later Ross had had his hands in Jim’s hair again and he was so close that Jim could see how his eyes variegated from brown to amber to green and back again and count the dark freckles on his cheeks. He’d never in his life wanted to kiss someone as badly as he had at that moment. Up until that moment, Jim had convinced himself that avoiding Ross would be the best thing for them both. But then he’d seen the flash of heat in Ross’ eyes, and felt how his hands had trembled and he’d known that Ross was feeling the same thing he was. It had made Jim’s heart stutter and his breathing shorten and before he knew it he’d reached out and caught Ross by the wrist, desperate to stop him from leaving.

Their talk had been enlightening, but more than that Jim felt like something had eased between them, and he’d actually felt happy when Ross had left, in spite of LJ’s warnings. He knew it wasn’t a good idea, that getting involved with someone that was actually around would be suicidal. The thing was, Jim hadn’t wanted anyone for a long time. Fucking was good, but he had pretty much resigned himself to the fact that he wouldn’t have love to go along with it. But now he was realising that he wanted Ross, not just in his bed but in his heart as well. Jim knew that if they started anything, he’d be playing for keeps.

‘You’re so screwed.’ he muttered to himself.

‘Hey!’ Benny’s voice broke Jim out of his thoughts and he looked over to see the medic coming towards him, hand outstretched with a letter in it, several others in his pocket and a massive package under his arm. ‘There was one for you.’ He thrust it into Jim’s hand and went to go and deliver the others.

Jim checked the postmark and smiled. His father’s letters came like clockwork, every week. He put his book down and ripped the envelope open, taking out the folded slip of paper and three snapshots. The first was of his father in his boat, the next of Blackbeard, their aging Labrador, and the final one of Rob and the drinking crowd from the tavern down the road from the tiny clapboard house Jim had been born in. Jim started reading, the catalogue of small things his father thought newsworthy filling both sides of the page. When he was done, Jim went back and read it again.

‘What’s Rob got to say?’ LJ’s voice made him look up.

‘The usual.’ he replied. ‘Fishing’s good and Blackbeard’s got a sore paw because he got stung by a bee.’

‘Damn dog.’ LJ sat down next to him. Jim spotted his own letter in his top pocket. LJ was a hoarder of letters, clinging to the words written by his wife and sons, and he preferred to read them in private. After that he’d regale them with tales of a woman stuck at home with two small boys.

‘How’s she doing?’ Jim looked over at Susie Q.

‘Rotor blade’s fixed.’ LJ replied. ‘Flint’s welding a couple of scabs over the belly now. Should keep things closed.’

‘Good.’ Jim leaned back against the wall and let his mind wander, memories of hazel eyes distracting him.

‘What’s on your mind, James?’ LJ said and he looked at him in surprise.

‘Nothin’.’ he replied and LJ snorted.

‘Bullshit.’ he said. ‘You thinking about Dr Dream again.’ Jim felt his face heat up.

‘I am not.’ he retorted and LJ laughed.

‘Like hell, you’re not.’ His face turned serious. ‘You know this is not a good idea.’

‘Yeah, I know.’ Jim sighed and ran a hand though his hair. ‘It just blows, that’s all.’

‘I realise that.’ LJ said. ‘I know this ain’t easy for you.’ He patted Jim on the knee. ‘Come on, short stack. We got some things to run through to make sure Susie’s working right.’ They got up and walked across to find Benny had the parcel open and he and Flint were shoving handfuls of strudel in their faces. Jim could smell the cinnamon from where he was standing and pulled a face.

‘Christ.’ he said. ‘Keep that shit away from me.’

‘You don’t like apples?’ Benny asked, the words coming out muffled because his mouth was full.

‘I fucking hate the bastards.’ Jim said and Benny shoved his last piece of strudel in his mouth and dug in the box next to him. He took something out and chucked it at Jim, who caught it and then grinned widely at the waxed paper bag in his hands. He’d developed a desperate addiction to Mrs Gunn’s chocolate schnecken which was a blessing in disguise because Benny loathed them but always asked for them because Jim liked them. Benny saw his reaction and got that goofy shy grin of his that had managed to get half the nursing population of Chu Lai into bed with him.

‘Maybe these will be better.’ he said. ‘Mom made ‘em special.’ Jim inhaled the rich chocolately scent and sighed happily.

‘Thanks, man.’ he said, opening the bag and holding it away from Flint who was trying to get a look in. ‘Fuck off. These are mine. Made for me by that blessed angel that gave birth to Benny.’

‘Selfish bastard.’ Flint said and went back to scrounge more strudel.

The sun was coming down by the time they were done and Susie was declared fit to fly. They ambled back across the revetment, and there was a fair bit of high spirited shoving and piggy back riding brought on by the unusual excess of sugar. LJ walked behind the three of them, chuckling like an indulgent parent on an outing with his kids, but that was pretty much what they were Jim surmised. He and Flint were only twenty-two, Benny two years younger. To them LJ did seem like a father.

They got to the hooch and started getting ready for the gathering they were having. It was a tradition for the 54th, an occasion to send off their fallen brothers in a style they would have wanted. An empty hooch had been turned into a communal area and they had LJ’s record player and stack of vinyl that he’d bought back with him from his last R & R. Benny and Flint were sent to go buy beer on everyone’s ration cards with Red and TJ, two of the crew from 68, and scrounge anything stronger that they could. Technically they were on duty, but tonight the COs would look the other way. It kept the medevac crews sane and that meant that while it was not encouraged actively, it wasn’t sanctioned either. Drinking and smoking hash was just another way to keep their demons at the door and tonight they’d all be getting blitzed and heading down to the beach for the customary fire signal send off. It was going to be a busy night. The Stingers had heard what had happened and those not on duty were turning out in force as well. A helicopter crew member was one of their own, regardless of whether it was medevac or assault. Inside the hooch, there was a basic set up, with a collection of steel folding chairs that had been ‘liberated’ from a couple of administrative buildings and two trestle tables for drinks and the player. LJ would be their official disc jockey, not trusting anyone else to touch his stuff.

Jim was sent to go and get their guest of honour, a fact that he didn’t miss. LJ just winked at him and Jim shook his head at him. Nevertheless, he went and showered, dressed in a clean uniform and made sure he looked immaculate (all the while berating himself for acting like he was going on a date) before he set out for the walk up the hill to the bluff. It would take him about twenty minutes and he took his time, wandering along with a cigarette in his mouth and his hands in his pockets, getting lost in the sunset as he got halfway up the road. It was sinking low, the rich shades of colour reminding him of home and Jim watched it until it had gone down and then carried on walking.

**********

Ross jumped out the jeep, then helped unload the gear before heading into the R & E and packing everything away. Dwight was there and he came over.

‘How was it?’ he asked and Ross grinned.

‘Those kids are so damn cute.’ he replied. ‘They’re wouldn’t let me get in the damn jeep.’ He stacked the spare supplies on the shelf. ‘Lots of minor stuff – cuts, grazes, insect bites. Did three extractions as well.’

‘Nice.’ Dwight said, helping him stack the other things. ‘What time are you heading down the hill?’

‘No idea.’ Ross replied, but he checked his watch. ‘Shit, it’s almost seven.’

‘Go.’ Dwight said. ‘Have a good time and if you’re going to get loaded, try not to wake me up. Some of us are still on rotation tomorrow.’ Ross gave him a grin and tire out of there. He got to his hooch and grabbed his wash kit and towel and pretty much ran down to the head to shower. He got ready in record time and then went to the basin to run his razor over his face. He swore loudly when he cut himself because his hands were shaking so badly. That was when Ross knew that he needed to calm down. He was acting exactly like he had before taking Elizabeth to prom.

He gathered his stuff together and walked back to the hooch and then he caught slight of the short figure standing at the door, one foot up against the wall and smoking. The ember of the cigarette glowed and Ross took a deep breath and steeled himself before stepping out of the shadows so Jim could see him.

‘Hey.’ he said and Jim turned and the light from the bare bulb overhead caught his hair and eyes and Ross felt like he was falling, down so far and so fast he had no control over it at all.

‘Hey, Doc.’ Jim replied and smiled and Ross knew he was going to regret ever getting on the damn plane to Vietnam and not just because he could get his ass shot. ‘You ready to go?’

‘Yeah.’ he replied. ‘Just got to put all this away.’ He stepped past Jim and opened the door to the hooch and Jim followed him inside after ditching his cigarette. He looked around the room and whistled.

‘You got an actual bed?’ The envy in his voice made Ross wince a little on the inside.

‘It’s not as comfortable as it looks.’ he said and packed his things away as quickly as he could. When he turned around he saw Jim had the copy of Flint’s in his hand and was leafing through it.

‘So this is what you do, huh?’ he asked and Ross nodded and stepped over to him, his breath catching a little as he inhaled a wave of aftershave, light and oceanic and just a little salty. It quite took his breath away and he stared at Jim. Jim stared right back and their locked gaze quickly grew intense and Ross felt like he could stare into those sea-water eyes forever.

‘Jim…’ he started and Jim moved, breaking the look. As he did, he lowered the book and Ross’ pictures fell to the floor.

‘Fuck.’ Jim said, already kneeling down to pick them up before Ross could do it. He went down all the same and then saw that Jim was staring at the picture in his hand. ‘Is this her?’ He handed the picture to Ross and Ross took the picture of Elizabeth from him and nodded.

‘Yeah.’ he said, tucking it back into the book he’d take from Jim’s unprotesting hand.

‘She’s beautiful.’ Jim said, and now the wariness was back in his eyes and Ross hated everything in the whole damn world for just a second that told him that he couldn’t have this, that there was no chance he could throw away everything he was and just have the man kneeling in front of him.

‘Yeah, she is.’ he replied, hearing the flatness in his own voice. He replaced the other pictures and stood up, feeling that little sick feeling in his stomach as he thought about what his father, mother and fiancée would think if they knew how much he wanted to kiss the man standing close enough to him that it would take nothing to do it. They’d call him sick, disown him, of that he had no doubt. Jim stepped back from him, the distance between them widening, and reached up to scratch the back of his neck.

‘We should get going.’ he said. ‘Before the beer’s gone.’ Ross nodded and grabbed a couple of packs of cigarettes from his locker and then followed Jim out into the night. They were mostly silent as they walked down from the 91st. A steady breeze had picked up and it stirred Jim’s fair hair, turned silvery in the moonlight. Ross tried not to look at him too much, and then a few steps later saw that he was walking by himself. He looked back and saw that Jim was standing on a boulder behind him, looking out to sea with a thoughtful expression on his face. Ross followed his gaze and saw that the wind had whipped up some waves.

‘Is it any good?’ he asked and Jim looked at him.

‘Mostly chop out here usually.’ he replied, then looked back out. ‘But it’s not too bad tonight.’

‘You surf a lot back home?’ Ross asked, mostly for something to say. Jim jumped down from the boulder and walked to catch up with him.

‘Whenever I can.’ he said. ‘I love it. It’s like there’s nothing out there but you and the sky and the ocean and that makes it so peaceful. All the bullshit just kind of fades away.’

‘You never told me where you were from.’ Ross said and Jim grinned.

‘I did, actually.’ he replied. ‘Eureka.’ Ross frowned.

‘Huh?’ he said and Jim laughed.

‘Humboldt County, Doc.’ he said. ‘My dad’s a fisherman. The town we live in is called Eureka.’

‘Seriously?’ Ross felt like an idiot as he realised that he was coming off as pig ignorant.

‘Don’t worry.’ Jim was still laughing. ‘It’s not like a whole lot of people know where it is.’ He fell in step with Ross and they walked in silence for a while.

‘What’s it like down there?’ Ross asked eventually, his curiosity winning out over his embarrassment.

‘Beautiful.’ Jim replied. ‘You know what a redwood is?’

‘Aren’t those really big trees?’ Ross asked. To his consternation Jim laughed again, and the light happy sound of it made him want to simultaneously be swallowed up by the earth and float away it made him so happy to hear it.

‘Yeah, Ross.’ he said and the way he said Ross’ name sounded sweeter than anything Ross had ever heard. ‘They’re really big trees.’ He shook his head. ‘You know I should be mad at you, but when you say shit like that I forget to be.’

‘Why would you be mad at me?’ Ross was suddenly terrified he’d done something wrong and Jim raised his eyebrows at him.

‘You’re kidding right?’ he asked. ‘Did you even stop to think about what you did yesterday?’ It took a moment for Ross to connect the dots.

‘You’re mad I went and got Evans?’ Now he was confused again.

‘No.’ Jim said, like Ross was stupid. ‘I’m mad because you took off into a hot LZ without stopping to think about what the consequences would be. What the hell would we have done if you’d been shot? Anderson would have hung all our asses out to dry for letting one of his doctor’s get killed.’

‘I don’t understand.’ Ross said, frowning at him. ‘You went in, and you took on all those extra soldiers even when LJ told you not to.’

‘Firstly, LJ doesn’t tell me anything.’ Jim replied. ‘I know my bird better than anyone. Susie’s a tough bitch, and I know just what limits I can push her to. But you, you’re an unknown quantity, Doc. I have no idea how to predict your behaviour and that little stunt is what gets guys zapped out there.’

‘I’m sorry.’ Ross said, mollified as he realised what Jim was saying. ‘I didn’t think about that.’

‘Yeah.’ Jim said and then the dimples flickered back into sight. ‘I’m starting to realise that you’re pretty dumb for a smart guy.’ His tone held just a hint of teasing and Ross felt a huge sense of relief that Jim wasn’t as angry as he thought he was. On impulse he reached out and shoved him.

‘Asshole.’ he said. Jim laughed.

‘Fuck you, Doc.’ he said amiably and they carried on walking. They got to the airfield and Jim led him into the maze of buildings. Ross was lost after the first three minutes, but as they got further to the edge of the revetment, he could hear music. He recognised it instantly and let it fill him, the lyrics striking him as more than a little apt, something his sense of irony appreciated.

_I can't get no satisfaction_  
_I can't get no satisfaction_  
_'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try_  
_I can't get no, I can't get no_

_When I'm watchin' my TV_  
_And a man comes on to tell me_  
_How white my shirts can be_  
_Well he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't smoke_  
_The same cigarettes as me_  
_I can't get no, oh no no no_  
_Hey hey hey, that's what I say_

The music was coming from a blacked out hooch in front of them and then Ross realised that there was mesh over the windows and tiny pinpricks of light coming through it. Jim led him to the steps and went up, pulling the screen door open and Ross hesitated only a moment before he went in behind him. The interior was dimly lit, the smell of male bodies, incense, cigarette smoke and hash strong in his nose. The place was crammed with bodies, many of them shirtless. The sweltering temperature inside and the paper lanterns that provided light as they hung from the ceiling made the whole place look and feel hellish.

‘Doc!’ the yell came from to his right and Ross saw Flint come over, dark skin streaked with sweat. He grinned and threw an arm around Ross’ shoulders. ‘You made it.’

‘Yeah.’ Ross had to shout to be hard over the music, which had changed to the Beach Boys singing Why Do Fools fall in Love. He was just debating the surreal nature of that when he realised that the thing in Flint’s mouth was a joint. Flint took a hit on it and then handed it off to Jim and Ross’ eyes widened as he watched Jim do the same and then hand it back, exhaling slowly.

‘It’s good.’ he shouted at Flint and Flint nodded at a tall soldier with massive shoulders doing the twist next to them.

‘Cisco just picked up a patrol from bear country.’ he replied. ‘They were so thankful they gave him this.’ He offered it to Ross. ‘How about it, Doc?’ Ross stared at the joint and then shook his head. He’d never done drugs, never done anything too serious apart from drinking, which everyone did. Flint saw his face and laughed. ‘Come on, let’s get you a drink.’ He gave Jim the joint and led Ross through the mass of bodies to the back. Ross saw a table set up with beer stacked underneath it and swimming in a galvanised tin bath full of melting ice. On the table itself were any number of bottles of booze, from whiskey to vodka and a couple that were unmarked. A small dark-haired soldier was working the bar, dancing as he poured a couple of drinks and handed them out. He gave Flint a thumbs up as Flint grabbed three beers from the bath and handed one to Ross and the other to Jim.

‘To 53.’ he said and Jim cracked his beer, chucking the cap back in the bath and raised his own.

’53.’ he said and clinked the neck of his bottle against Flint’s. They both drank, and Ross’s eyes got even wider when he realised that they had no intention of stopping until the bottles were empty, throwing the empties into the corner behind the table when they were done. His shock must have shown on his face because they both laughed at him.

‘Bottoms up, Doc.’ Jim said, and the sharp edge was back.

Ross met his eyes and decided that caution was highly overrated. He threw back the beer, his college days coming back in a flash as he drank it down, relaxing his throat and swallowing steadily until there was the sensation of the last if it draining into his mouth. Normally he would never have behaved like this but not tonight though. Tonight he didn’t want to be Ross Vennor Poldark, son of prominent surgeon Joshua Poldark. Tonight he wanted to be anyone but that, and so he accepted the next beer from Flint, threw caution to the wind and removed the joint from Jim’s mouth and took a hit off of it. The look of surprise on Jim’s face was worth the burn in his lungs.

‘When in Rome.’ Ross said and that got a small smile, dimples hovering just in sight.

‘Come on, Doc.’ Flint grabbed him by the arm. ‘Let’s introduce you around.’

Three hours later, Ross was drunk. Not even politely so, but flat-on-his-face-loaded-to-the-gills-drunk. This was largely because he was sitting on one side of the trestle table with a giant of a pilot called Cassidy who had fiery red hair and was from Seattle. On the table in front of them was a collection of shot glasses (and fuck knew where they all came from), some upside down and some still filled with clear liquid that could have been used to strip paint. He had no idea how it had come about but he vaguely recalled a quip about his drinking prowess and him telling Jim to fuck off because he was Irish and could drink anyone under the table.

That had been a mistake.

The Stingers had promptly produced their own champion drinker and, despite the medevac crews protesting that Ross wasn’t even part of their unit, he’d somehow ended up here. He was now watching Cassidy and Cassidy’s double try to pick up his shot glass. They were at an impasse, fourteen shots down and neither of them passing out.

Yet. Ross felt the yet was very important.

‘Fuck.’ Flint was sitting between them, having taken on the mantle of referee although he was being very partisan in his commentary. ‘One more and you’ve got the Mick bastard.’

‘Stow it.’ Ross said, glaring at him unsteadily. ‘I’ll have you know, us Mick bastards outnumber you.’ He slumped onto the table, barely managing to hold his head up. ‘Fuck, what is in that stuff?’ Flint looked back at Red, who shrugged.

‘It’s Rượu đế.’ he said. ‘It’s kinda like moonshine, I guess.’

‘Jesus.’ Ross looked at Cassidy, who now had his shot glass actually in his hand. ‘I don’t think he’s gonna make it.’

He turned out to be correct. Cassidy toppled over sideways just as he was about to drink, with all the grace of Godzilla being felled by a nuclear warhead. There was a tremendous cheer from behind Ross and many hands descended to slap him on the shoulders and back. Apparently quite a lot of money had changed hands and he’d now proven himself to be the winning horse. He got hauled out his chair and hustled over to a corner, a fresh beer and a cigarette pressed on him as he was sat down on piles of canvas tarpaulins and then the others went back to laugh and jostle each other as the music kicked in again. Ross settled back against the wall, head spinning. He was almost drifting off when someone came over to him and sat down next to him.

‘Next time, I’ll watch what I say.’ Jim said and Ross turned to look at him. The still functional part of his brain pointed out that it was now extremely hot in the hooch, and that he was going to be violently hungover the next morning from both the alcohol and the dehydration. The upside of that was that everyone had been completely justified in taking their shirts off and now Jim’s bare shoulder was pressed up against his, their skin slick from the sweat produced when a bunch of men danced energetically in close proximity, and it was possibly the most erotic thing Ross had ever experienced. He let his eyes drift, the darkness of the hooch allowing him to observe without being observed in return and he admired the toned muscles of Jim’s upper body.

‘You really need to stop doing that.’ Jim’s voice was pitched low so only Ross could hear him. Not that he really needed to. The music was cranked up and the hooch had turned back into a dance floor, the thump of feet making the whole floor vibrate as they stomped around. Benny’s Doors albums had come out and the Alabama Whiskey Song was proving to be a popular hit.

‘Stop what?’ Ross asked, staring at Jim’s mouth as if hypnotised. His normal filters had been almost entirely obliterated although he still held onto a tiny bit of self-preservation, otherwise he would have just leaned over and kissed Jim on those perfectly tempting lips.

‘Looking at me like that.’ Jim replied, sounding not completely sober himself. ‘You’re going to give us both away.’ That made Ross try to focus a little more and then he started wondering about the ‘us’ in that sentence. He chanced a sidelong glance at Jim, watching as Jim took the last cigarette out of his pack and lit it, then crumpled the pack and jettisoned it over the heads of the dancers.

‘I need some air.’ he said. ‘This place is a fucking den of iniquity.’ He struggled to his feet and held put a hand. ‘Besides, we need to get you home Cinderella.’

‘Hey, hang on now.’ Flint had come bounding over and draped himself over Jim’s shoulders. ‘No checking out before time. It’s not even midnight.’

‘He’s not gonna make it, Flint.’ Jim said. ‘Look at him. He can barely even stand.’

‘He’s good.’ Flint reached down and grabbed for Ross’ hands, hauling him. ‘He’s just gotta dance it off.’ He dragged Ross towards the heaving mass of bodies. ‘Time to cut a rug, Doc.’

‘Jesus what the fuck is this, 1945?’ Jim shook his head but Flint was not to be deterred and Ross spent the next hour jumping around with him and Benny, the high of the alcohol and the grass letting him completely lose himself in the music. He even managed to forget what was going on around him, which was the whole reason for this. That was until he managed to get turned around and bumped into someone and three blinks later he realised it was Jim. Jim laughed and shoved him back and danced off before Ross could get his head around the fact that Jim was dancing. He had resolutely stayed out of it all night, and Ross could do nothing but follow him, watching spellbound as he moved. Jim looked up at him as Ross came into his orbit, and the smile he flashed at him was enough to set Ross’ heart pounding. Ross returned it, not caring anymore, and they stayed like that with more of a gap between them than there was between anyone else and at the same time the intensity between them lending a whole other level to what they were doing. It was freeing. Everyone else around them so drunk and so high that they were completely out of it and it was like he and Jim weren't even there. He watched Jim and Jim watched him back, the lack of physical contact between them only heightening Ross’ others senses. He could smell Jim, the salty tang of his sweat and the sharper natural smell of his skin underneath. His skin was shiny, droplets collecting and running down his collar bones and Ross wanted to lean in and lick them off.

The music suddenly cut out and Ross turned to see LJ was up on one of the folding chairs, teetering dangerously.

‘Gentlemen!’ he shouted. ‘It’s time!’

Ross frowned and looked back at Jim.

‘What’s going on?’ he asked and Jim reached out, hand to Ross’ upper arm as he pulled him in to speak into his ear so he didn’t have to shout.

‘Send off.’ he said and then pulled back. In the dim light his pupils were huge and Ross wondered just how high he was. He watched as Jim went over to where he’d discarded his shirt and grabbed his one and then picked up a second one and cane back to hand it to Ross. Ross to it and gave him a quizzical look.

‘How’d you know it was mine?’ he asked, pulling it on.

‘I know what you smell like.’ Jim said and that made Ross stare at him. Then he did something completely out of character and completely fuelled by alcohol. He stepped right into Jim’s space and leaned down to whisper to him.

‘Do I smell good?’ he asked and Jim’s eyes widened. He shook his head and bundled Ross back around.

‘You’re so loaded, Doc.’ he said and there was a laugh behind it. ‘Move your ass.’

Ross had no idea where they were going but they all ended up moving in silence between the hooches. He moved behind Flint with Jim at his back and kept quiet as they went around the back of the airfield tower and down towards the beach.

When they got there, Ross noticed that a few of the men were carrying bottles and a few more were carrying something that looked like white silk. He hadn’t realised just how many men had been crammed into the hooch but now he saw there as close to thirty of them, twenty from medevac who he knew or knew on sight and the handful of Stingers that were still standing. The men in front walked down to the end and they got to the waterline and lined up. Ross watched as Flint, who was carrying one of the pieces of textile, unfolded it and produced an object that was like a cylinder of white silk, held stiff with rings of coiled wood so that it held its shape. He saw that something was written on the side and then realised it was a name.

LJ took something out of his pocket and there was a flare of flame and then the object became illuminated from the inside out, the heated air inside making it billow and become buoyant. Ross saw that the other two were being given the same treatment and that they each bore another name, the names of the downed crew of Dustoff 53. He looked at where Jim was standing next to him and saw that he was now still, his face calm but tinged with sadness.

‘We’re here to say goodbye to our fallen brothers.’ LJ’s voice rang out across the quiet beach. ‘Godspeed and fly safe 53.’ Flint released the lantern and it floated up into the night, the other two following it. There was a moment of silence and then a barked order of attention and all the men present straightened up and saluted. It gave Ross chills to see it and he fell in with them, a lump in his throat as he followed the lanterns up and out over the dark water. A voice came from somewhere down the line, a deep tenor and then it was joined by three more and the sound of the wordless hum sent a shiver down Ross’ spine. They held the salute through the song until the last words died away and they stood at ease. Ross felt like he’d just been witness to something so profound he would probably never be able to properly understand its significance.

‘So that’s what you meant?’ he said and next to him Jim sighed softly.

‘That’s what I meant.’ he replied. The line broke up, and they sat in small groups passing the bottles and reminiscing. The mood was somber as they walked him back up the hill and to the 91st, the sky just starting to be tinged with light. Ross was lingering at the back, mostly because he was keeping pace with Jim.

‘That was beautiful.’ he said at last and Jim looked at him.

‘We do what we can.’ he replied. ‘It’s not much but it’s something they would appreciate.’ He sighed. ‘Christ knows they’d done it enough for the others.’

‘How many have there been?’ Ross asked and Jim stopped briefly to light a cigarette from the pack he’d stolen off LJ.

‘Too many.’ he replied.

They got to the gate and the other two stopped to let Benny puke up all the shit he’d been drinking and Jim walked Ross in. They got to the hooches and stayed in the shadows. The camp wasn’t yet awake and it was dead quiet. Ross felt something stirring inside him, a restlessness that he had never felt before, a quickening of his heartbeat and he felt like he was on the edge of an abyss looking down, but instead of being terrified he felt exhilarated. He had a sudden realisation that if he didn’t act now he probably never would be brave enough ever again. They were still in the shadows between hooches and Ross took his chance, turning and backing Jim up against the pile of sandbags behind them. He took Jim’s face in his hands, lowering his head the short distance to kiss him and felt Jim’s sharp intake of breath just before their mouths connected. His hands braced against Ross’ chest and there was a split second when he was sure that Jim was going to push him away. He could feel the tension in him, then Jim’s hands tightened in his t-shirt and he kissed back, his mouth soft and pliant and warm against Ross' own. Ross felt fire light up inside him, steadily moving through his chest until he could hardly breathe. Jim was everything he thought he wanted and he never wanted to let him go, this kiss the most important one he knew he’d ever have. Jim eventually seemed to come back into himself and he gently pushed Ross away, the contact between them breaking slowly. Ross felt lightheaded and knew it was nothing to do with alcohol or grass, and everything to do with that being the best kiss of his life. They stood, both a little out of breath and then Jim smiled, his dimples shadows on his cheeks.

‘What the hell, Doc?’ he asked and Ross felt his stomach lurch unhappily at the thought that he’d wrecked everything.

‘I’m sorry.’ he found himself saying and Jim huffed softly.

‘You ass.’ he said and there was affection in it. ‘How the fuck am I supposed to hold out around you?’ Then he stepped back into Ross’ space and this time Ross found himself on the receiving end as Jim leaned up, standing on his toes to reach him, and kissed him ever so gently on the mouth. It was so different to the first one with none of the hesitancy or inexperience that Ross had. Jim kept the kiss lingering and Ross felt his knees starting to give out. He chased Jim’s mouth when he pulled back and Jim smiled at him and then reached up and ran his thumb over Ross’ mouth.

‘You get that one for free, Doc.’ he said and Ross could hear the smile in his voice. He took his hands away and Ross stepped back from him, and Jim walked past him and melted into the shadows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from (I Can't Get No) satisfaction by the Rolling Stones.


	5. Jumpin' Jack Flash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MEDCAP and some guests tag along.

The day before Christmas Eve came too quickly, after a week of near constant activity, so much in fact that Ross had barely had any down time at all. He was pleasantly surprised by the effort put into making the 91st festive with tinsel wound around the bedsteads and IV stands, Santa hats on the medics and the nurses singing carols and reading more letters than usual. There were even some candy stripers that had been flown down from Da Nang. There was to be a Christmas ceasefire, and Christmas Eve was going to see all the birds out and flying patrols back in to base. There would be no shifts for Christmas Day either, just forty-eight hours to think about home and have a respite from the war before it was business as usual on the 27th.

The R & E had not escaped either and Ross felt like he was in a bizarre episode of the Bob Hope show with all the good humour in that face of what they had been dealing with. The 1st Division was pushing an offensive line north and the fighting had been fierce with heavy casualties. Rotations had been overlapping drastically and all his interaction with Jim had pretty much ground to a standstill as the medevacs had been pulling flying hours that were way past the recommended limits as well, coming in with casualties at all hours. Still, every time he collapsed into his bunk, Ross had taken a few moments to relive that single interaction, the memory of Jim’s mouth against his as perfectly clear in his mind as nay had been which was astounding considering how inebriated and medicated he’d been. It had kept him buoyed throughout the past few days and he was looking forward to Christmas and New Year, mostly because it would probably mean something from home and also because the USO was holding an official New Year’s Eve dance and Ross was desperately hoping Jim would be there, especially after Demelza had confirmed that she was going with Flint.

He wasn’t the only one either. The holiday spirit, in spite of the fact that it was nearly 90° F outside and brilliantly sunny, had caught everyone and spilled over into everything. There was also the prospect of a turkey dinner the next day and a party afterwards. Ross was going to miss out because he’d volunteered to work the two Christmas day rotations so he could get New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day off, but it was expected to be quiet and he’d have at least some time off to hopefully make it down to the 54th to see Jim and maybe even get a drink or two.

Everyone was now assembled in the briefing room, getting their assignments for the next two days. It was a different shift due to the division between those choosing one holiday or the other. Dwight was there, as was Caroline and Demelza. Unfortunately Warleggan was too. Someone had blown up some surgical gloves and they were bouncing overhead, batted from person to person. Even Anderson, perched on his table at the front as usual, hit them back when they came his way.he was well into the Christmas spirit and was wearing a Santa hat.

‘All right.’ he said, smiling indulgently at them like a proud father. ‘Settle down and let’s get this done.’ He consulted his clipboard. ‘I got two MEDCAPS today – one to go down the coast and one up. We’re doing a big push, hitting two or three villages at a time so I need two and two for both birds. I got 51 and 68 coming in half an hour.’

‘Here.’ Ross had his hand up and Dwight joined him. Anderson grinned.

‘Haven’t you had enough excitement?’ he asked and Ross returned it. There had been a lot of ribbing about his heroic dash.

‘No.’ he replied and Anderson chuckled.

‘Fine. You and Enys on one bird. Warleggan and McCall on the other.’ he said and wrote their names down. ‘There’s also going to be a couple of journalists from some news agency tagging along so make sure you’re all on your best behaviour.’ Ross was amused to see McCall looking less than enthralled that he’d been put with Warleggan and also had felt a little suspicious as to why Warleggan wanted to go, but now the reason was obvious. Warleggan didn’t seem the type to turn up getting his picture in the paper. He never showed any interest in MEDCAP, in fact he actively went out of his way to avoid it but today he’d volunteered, his hand up just after Ross. He glanced at Dwight and got and annoyed eye roll, which made him grin and then hide it behind his hand.

After the briefing broke up, they went to prep with Clayton and Reynolds, a slender Cajun boy from Louisiana who affected a soft voice and a gold earring. They had assigned themselves to Ross and Dwight, although Ross suspected a flip of the coin may have been involved. Everyone knew what the nurses thought of Warleggan. Ross and Dwight went through the storeroom, collecting what they needed and the two nurses packed it up, then they all grabbed a couple of boxes and headed out to the landing pad. There they found Warleggan giving orders in an imperious tone to his two nurses and McCall have them both a filthy look when they got to him.

‘You two both owe me for taking him.’ he muttered and they grinned.

By the time they were done and waiting door the medevacs, Ross was bouncing on his feet. It was a combination of many things, mostly what had happened between him and Jim but also a reaction to his near brush with death. Dwight had given him a stern talk on symptoms to watch for, but all Ross had felt so far was an odd elation at having come out the other side alive.

Dwight was checking over their pile of boxes when they heard the sound of the rotors coming up towards them and Ross felt his stomach turn over in anticipation. This was the first time, aside from stolen words through Jim’s window when he’d landed 51 during rotations, that they were getting to actually see each other and Ross was a little overexcited. It was also because they’d had a run of rain and the day was glorious, one of the best they’d had so far.

‘It gon’ be hot hot today.’ Reynolds said, shading his eyes as he looked at where the medevacs were cresting the bluff and coming in to land.

‘I think you may be right.’ Dwight replied, putting on his sunglasses. Ross was very amused by the fact that he had his flak vest over his brightly patterned shirt, his helmet firmly in place on his light brown hair which was longer than strictly allowed. It was an eternal mystery as to how Dwight managed to never be cited for uniform violations but he did. Probably because he was too nice to ever take offence to.

51 came in first, landing closest to the R & E and the engines slowed as Jim cut the power. The side door was slid back and Benny and Flint hopped out, followed by two men in civilian clothing. One had a camera around his neck and the other had a canvas bag slung across his chest. They were obviously the journalists Anderson had mentioned. He ignored them in favour of trotting over to 51 after waving a greeting at Benny and Flint. He didn’t have time for tourists and was happy to leave them to Warleggan. The rotors were still powering down as he got to the window and Jim reached up and pushed it back. His smile made the butterflies in Ross’ stomach dance and he leaned in, elbows on the frame and returned the smile, giving Jim the benefit of his most dazzling display.

‘Hi.’ he said brightly and Jim laughed.

‘Hi.’ he replied, his dimples caving in. His blue-green eyes were dancing and Ross was momentarily lost in them.

‘Christ.’ LJ sounded disgusted. He wrestled out of his harness and gave them a look that wouldn’t have been out of place on the face of a father confronted with his child dating and making him feel supremely uncomfortable. ‘I am not going to sit here and watch you two sad bastards conduct your little romance through the window of a goddamn Huey.’ He opened his door. ‘I’m gonna go talk to TJ.’

Ross’ first instinct was fear, all his excitement at seeing Jim evaporating in an instant.

‘He knows?’ It was hissed as quietly as he could say it.

‘Of course he does.’ Jim replied. ‘LJ is impossible to hide things from. He knew the second I came back.’ He sighed. ‘You are so fucking bad for me, Doc. This is so fucking bad for both of us.’ He looked at Ross steadily. ‘If I had any goddamn sense I would just fuck you and get you out of my system.’ The words made Ross face flame up and the butterflies in his stomach starting lurching crazily.

‘So why don’t you?’ he asked and the corner of Jim’s mouth quirked.

‘I have no idea.’ he replied. ‘Maybe it’s those pretty brown eyes of yours.’ He looked away. ‘Last time was a mistake. We can’t do that again.’ Ross was about to protest when Jim looked back and he was smiling ruefully. ‘It’s like I can’t trust myself around you which is not something I’m used to.’

‘So what do we do?’ Ross asked and Jim shrugged.

‘I don’t know Doc.’ he replied. ‘You get any ideas, you let me know.’

‘I think you should come with me to the USO dance.’ Ross said, not even sure why he was blurting it out the way he was, like a kid asking a girl to prom.

‘Really?’ Jim was smiling broadly now. ‘You gonna buy me a corsage Doc? Get me drunk and feel me up in the back of your car?’ His tone was back to that light sarcasm that Ross knew was him being amused.

‘Maybe.’ he replied, making it slightly challenging and thrilling at the flash in Jim’s eyes. ‘But if you think that it would be a mistake…’ He let the sentence hang and now the blue-green turned stormy and challenging and it was so incredibly beautiful that Ross knew that he wouldn’t be able to let this go, to allow Jim to say they couldn’t do it again. There was want inside him, a deep slow beat that chimed in time with his heart.

‘Get your ass in the bird, Doc.’ There was an answering tone in Jim’s voice, pulled tight with something that sparked between them like a distress flare. ‘Don’t make me chase you in there.’ Ross stepped back. The entire exchange had taken all of five minutes, but they were easily the most intense five minutes of his life.

He turned back, sucking in a deep breath to steady himself, and saw that Warleggan’s nurses were en route to 51 with their gear. Warleggan was directing, not doing any actual work himself, and Ross’ territoriality kicked in immediately. He stepped between them and 51 and addressed Warleggan directly, startling Benny, Flint and Dwight who were chatting with Clayton and Reynolds around the boxes they were taking.

‘Where the hell do you think you’re putting those.’ he asked and Warleggan gave him a look that told Ross he regarded him as just slightly above the nurses.

‘I’m putting them in my helicopter.’ he announced and Ross bristled at his arrogant tone.

’51 is not your bird.’ he replied. ‘We’re going with her.’ He indicated the others. Warleggan’s eyes narrowed and he started moving forward.

‘Now look here, Poldark…’ he started and then Jim’s voice rung out from the cockpit and stopped them both dead.

‘Hey! If you two are done waving your dicks around, some of us have jobs still to do.’ he said, then pointed at Ross. ‘You – get your ass in the bird.’ Then he pointed at Warleggan. ‘You – fuck off and go fly with 68.’ There was a muffled cry of ‘Godammit, Hawk!’ from that direction. ‘I ain’t taking you anywhere. The last time you were in my bird, you managed to piss off my AC and my crew chief. Not to mention that my medic wanted to knock you on your ass.’

‘But…’ Warleggan started and Jim cut him off.

‘But nothing.’ he replied. ‘Doc, you and Captain Enys get your shit going and get in the bird.’ Then he turned back and slammed the window shut, ending the conversation. Ross gave Warleggan his cockiest grin.

‘You heard him.’ he replied. ‘Just ‘cause you want to get your picture taken, doesn’t mean you get to requisition our bird.’ He strode past him and went to heave a box into his arms.

‘That’s not the reason.’ Warleggan was now going red with anger at having been caught out.

‘Sure it isn’t.’ Dwight said, grinning broadly. ‘I’m sure if you ask them nicely, they’ll be happy to oblige by going with you so you can tell them all about yourself.’

‘Actually we’re sticking with 51.’ the photographer replied in a strong French accent. He and the other man were now grinning. ‘They are…how you say…our scoop?’

‘I really couldn’t be less interested.’ Warleggan snapped and stomped off to the other bird. He got in muttering and LJ, who was at the window talking to TJ, grinned back at Jim, who was watching the proceedings though his window with a smug look on his face.

They finished packing the boxes in and were all getting in and getting seated. The journalists turned out to be from Reuters. Henri was French and Denis was Canadian and they were both very keen on asking questions, Ross discovered. Thankfully Dwight was being his usual effusive self and they were soon laughing at his stories even as Jim got the bird started and lifted off. Ross listened to them talking and watched Jim from his seat at the back. Jim took them out over the beach behind the 91st and then flew the bird out a little further so they were parallel to the shore.

‘So?’ Ross looked over as Henri addressed him. He had his camera up, taking pictures of Benny and Flint as they say with their feet braced on the skids on either side. They had kept the doors open, the rush of air cooling the bird inside and out. ‘You are also a doctor?’

‘Yeah.’ he replied.

‘You got any interesting stories?’ Denis asked.

‘Ask him about how he dragged a pilot out of a burning bird.’ Benny laughed and Ross glared at him. The last thing he wanted was to draw attention to himself.

‘Quoi?’ Henri asked and he sighed and started telling the story.

**********

In front, Jim listened to Ross recount the tale of his dash to get Evans and felt a little twist inside him. Next to him he could feel LJ giving him a sidelong look and made himself re-focus. He kept the bird low, watching the waves below them and feeling the air currents buoying them up.

There was no chatter on the radio, and the rest of the flight went smoothly. The village they were going to was set on a small inlet and Jim came over it and then circled round. The LZ was the village square. Unusually they were going to hang around and wait for Ross and Dwight to do their MEDCAP duties and then they would be heading back. It was a welcome reprieve from their runs into combat zones and the fact that Ross was here with them just made things even better. Jim had learned to value these small moments of peace and wellbeing. He set the bird down smoothly and cut the engines then cast a brief look over his shoulder at Ross, who was now unstrapping his harness and getting up to help unload the supplies. As the pilot, he would stay with the bird until it was time to go, even though he itched to go and see what Ross would be doing.

‘Jesus.’ LJ said, giving him a look that spoke volumes. ‘Just fucking go. I’ll stay with Susie.’

‘No, it’s cool.’ Jim said. He could now see the others all walking over to where a group of townspeople were waiting to greet them.

‘You’re about as transparent as the damn greenhouse.’ LJ said. ‘Go and watch what your dashing doctor is doing and let me have a damn nap.’

‘You know you sound like you’re eighty-five.’ Jim said, biting his lip and still looking over. ‘I can’t. Regs say I have to stay here.’

‘Go!’ LJ said. ‘Before I kick your ass out of the goddamn cockpit.’ Jim smiled and then there was no stopping him. He undid the chin strap of his helmet and took it off, then did the same with his harness, opened his door and got out. He came around the side of the bird and hung back a little as he saw that the others were now setting up the trestle tables they had bought with, then jogged over to them.

‘Hey.’ he said as he reached Ross and Dwight. ‘Can I help?’ Ross' look of surprise and then delight at seeing Jim out of the bird was enough to make Jim glad he’d broken regulations.

‘Sure.’ he said with a grin. ‘That way Clayton can get on with translating. You get queasy when you see blood?’

‘No.’ Jim replied. ‘So long as it’s not mine.’

‘Great.’ Dwight replied. ‘You can help Ross with the superficial stuff.’ He waved a rather threatening looking instrument. ‘I’m on extractions today.’

‘Jesus.’ Jim regarded the gleeful way he waved the extractor around with a dubious look. ‘That’s a little scary.’

‘You’ve been shot at by Charlie and that’s scary?’ Ross asked, grabbing one of the camping stools and setting it up.

‘I don’t like dentists.’ Jim replied. ‘Teeth are a no go thing with me. And eyes.’

‘You’d make a terrible nurse, in that case.’ Ross laughed. ‘For real I mean.’ He smiled. ‘I’ll think you’ll be okay today.’

‘So what do you want me to do?’ Jim asked and Ross gestured to the table behind him.

‘Just hand me what I need.’ he replied.

‘I can do that.’ Jim said and then made the mistake of looking at him, lightning striking the pit of his stomach when their eyes met. He bit the inside of his lip, trying to curb the way he was feeling. There was a sudden glint in Ross’ eye and the smile turned devilish and Jim knew that he’d caught it.

‘Good.’ he replied. ‘You can watch me work for a change.’

An hour later and Jim knew he was now in serious trouble. He had vague remembrances from being in the R & E when he’d had his concussion and also from the flight days earlier, but watching Ross was now giving him a close up of just how competent he was and it was doing things to him again. His eyes fixed on Ross’ hands, sure and strong and also breathtakingly gentle as he tended to adults and children alike, and Jim’s thoughts started running wild as he imagined what those hands could do to him. He stood and listened to Ross’ instructions obediently, handing him what he needed or picking up a child to hold them when they fussed or for Ross to get a better look at them. It was actually nice, being out of the bird and interacting with actual people who weren’t his crew or the others at the airfield. Being in medevac could be isolating and it was clear he wasn’t the only one enjoying himself. Benny and Flint had their own table set up and were currently doing their best to flirt with a knot of young women through the use of interpretive hand gestures and smiles. Ross was checking over a small child, probably about five or six but Jim had never been good at telling, and the child was giggling frantically because the cotton swab Ross was using to clean off the insect bites that littered the child’s legs was obviously tickling him. He had noticed what a light touch Ross had with the little patients, his gentleness apparent in the way he smiled at them to put them at ease.

‘You like kids.’ he said and Ross didn’t look at him, just smiled at his patient who crinkled their nose and went into a fresh bout of laughter.

‘I love kids.’ he replied. ‘I did have to think seriously about whether to choose emergency medicine or paediatrics.’ He nodded up at Jim and Jim grabbed a couple of fresh swabs and chucked them in the steel kidney dish that contained disinfectant. Ross discarded the one he was using and took a new one, then continued with the other leg. The child squirmed and his mother laughed and rattled off something in Vietnamese to Clayton who smiled.

‘She says you’re the first doctor he hasn’t tried to bite.’ he said to Ross. Ross gave Jim a grin.

‘Guess that’s a compliment.’ he said. He finished cleaning the bites and smeared antiseptic cream on them and handed the tube to the mother. ‘Tell her they must be kept clean. Salt water is good. And she can put that on every morning and night.’ Clayton translated and the mother got up, nodding her thanks at Ross and the next one cane over, an old man with rheumy looking eyes.

‘So what made you choose?’ Jim asked, watching as Ross examined the man. ‘Between them, I mean.’

‘Emergency pissed my father off more.’ Ross replied.

‘Yeah?’ Jim looked at him. Ross was so interesting to him, a contradiction at every turn sometimes.

‘My entire family are cardiologists and surgeons.’ Ross replied. ‘It was just assumed that I would go into medicine, become the same. There’s an entire department that’s basically just my family at a private hospital in Boston. My grandfather, my dad, my uncle and my cousin.’ He shrugged and gestured for the saline wash and Jim handed it to him. ‘I knew I’d never get away with not studying medicine, but I wanted to have at least some say in what I was going to be doing for the rest of my life. Emergency medicine is not rated highly stateside.’

‘What did he say when he found out?’ Jim asked and Ross grinned.

‘He was furious.’ he replied. ‘I managed to keep it a secret for almost three months, but then he found out.’ He huffed. 'He threatened to cut me off but eventually he realised that I was serious enough to leave and go my own way. We had a really big argument about it but in the end I won and I got to continue my residency. I have another year to go when I get back and then I’ll be qualified.’

‘And then?’ Jim knew he was starting to skirt around something he didn’t want to know, but he asked the question anyway. ‘Get married to your pretty society princess and move to the suburbs, have a couple of those for yourself?’ He nodded at the kids behind the old man Ross was seeing to. Ross turned to look at him, and Jim saw a flash of pain in the deep hazel eyes. He didn’t give in and stared right back and that was when there was a click of a shutter and they both turned to see Henri standing and lowering his camera.

‘Keep going.’ he said. ‘I want it to look natural.’ Ross went back to what he was doing and Jim watched, schooling his face into the neutral expression he’d long since perfected to hide his feelings. Henri was more focused on Ross and he took a series of shots as Ross tended to the next four patients.

‘Good, good.’ he said, kneeling to the side of Ross. ‘You have a face for pictures.’ Ross huffed with laughter and then frowned as Henri zoomed in.

‘What are you doing?’ Jim couldn’t contain his curiosity.

‘There are two things that let us see the soul of a person.’ Henri took another set of pictures. ‘The eyes and the hands.’ Ross looked up at that and straight into the lens and the shutter clicked again. ‘Or in your case Ross, both.’ He smiled and got up then moved to take a picture of Jim and Jim automatically turned his head away. Henri chuckled. ‘You don’t like your picture being taken.’

‘No.’ Jim replied. Pictures reminded him of Rob and his Poloroid that he was forever snapping away on, even on the damn boat, and thinking of Rob made him think of home and he tried not to do that.

‘That is a pity.’ Henri said and then smiled. ‘Maybe if you were both in it together.’ Jim was about to object but Ross got up from his seat and came towards him, slinging one arm around Jim’s shoulders. Jim froze, the casual touch sending fire through him, but he forced a smile on his face and Henri lifted his camera and took the picture.

‘Henri!’ Denis was beckoning to the photographer. ‘Come here!’ Henri lowered the camera and started to walk away and Jim turned his head to look at Ross.

‘Why did you do that?’ His voice was pitched low and soft. He tried to ignore how close they were, that if Ross turned his head they could just lean in and kiss each other as easy as breathing.

‘Maybe when this shit is done, I’d like to have one picture of us.’ Ross replied but his smile was off, bitterness playing around the edges. ‘For when I go back and marry my society princess.’ He took his arm away and went back to the table, leaving Jim to stand there staring after him and that was when he heard the final click. He whirled back around and saw Henri a few paces away. His grey eyes were unreadable and then he walked off towards where Denis was standing with a group of village elders and Clayton.

Jim walked back over to the table, his feelings in turmoil. Ross sighed, but didn’t look at him.

‘I’m sorry.’ he said and Jim frowned.

‘Why?’ he asked. ‘I’m the one that said it first.’

‘It doesn’t make it any less true.’ Ross replied and then stopped talking altogether, his dark eyebrows drawn down fiercely as he carried on working. Jim kept quiet too, handing things over and feeling worse and worse as the hours progressed. The time passed and by the end of their allocated period, he felt terrible. He knew he was being touchy, a lifetime of fear and insecurity making it impossible to let his barriers down. The kiss had made him hope, had made him happy for a short time and now he’d gone and fucked it up with a stupid remark.

As soon as they were done and packed up, Jim went back to the bird. The others were still talking and exchanging pleasantries with the villagers and Jim kept his head down, biting back the anger at himself. He was almost back at the clearing when he felt a hand on his arm and turned to see Ross standing there. His first instinct was to check if anyone was watching them, but the villagers were all still at the main area they’d been treated in and there was a stand of vegetation concealing him and Ross from view.

‘What are you doing?’ he hissed and then saw that Ross’ eyes were pleading.

‘I am sorry.’ he replied. ‘I can’t change who I am.’

‘I know.’ Jim replied. He shoved his hands in his pockets. ‘I wouldn’t ask you to.’

‘Then you know that this is …’ Ross stumbled over his words, looking back over his shoulder to see how far the others had progressed. ‘I’ve never been with…’

‘Don’t.’ Jim wanted to grab hold of him, pull him in and kiss that look of uncertainty and fear off his face. ‘There’s no rules for what this is, Ross. None of us ever know what we’re doing.’ He stepped back. ‘We should stop this.’

‘No.’ Ross’ voice had steel under the softness. He stepped in closer and Jim shivered in spite of the heat. ‘You can’t just run away from me because we both say one dumbass thing.’ Jim looked at him and then found himself smiling.

‘How do you do that?’ he asked. ‘I get my head straight and two seconds later you fuck it up.’

‘It’s a gift.’ Ross said and hefted the gear he was carrying, dumping one of the bags in Jim’s arms. ‘Help me carry this to the bird.’ He gave Jim a grin that bordered on cocky and Jim shook his head and followed him. LJ had somehow procured a deck chair from somewhere and had it out in the sun, shirt off and sunglasses on. He had Benny’s cassette player playing and the song made Jim laugh.

‘Not exactly the bay.’ he said as they approached and LJ peered at them over his sunglasses and then settled back down.

‘Gotta take it where you can get it, boys.’ he replied. There was something about the way he said it and Jim wondered just what he was referring to.

‘Hey!’ They all looked around as the others approached. Henri was at the front and he waved them towards the bird. ‘I want to get one more, with everyone.’

‘No problem.’ LJ grinned and got up. He pulled his shirt back on and there was a moment of organising to get them all set up. Jim, Ross and Benny were all sitting on the edge of the bird, LJ and Flint standing with their arms around each other towards the nose and Clayton, Dwight and Reynolds kneeling in front of them. This time Jim luxuriated in the contact, the warm press of Ross’ arm and thigh against his as they sit closer than was strictly necessary under the guise of leaving room for Benny. Henri stood and took a couple of shots and then they were up.

They packed the gear and went back to help with the rest of it. The final goodbyes were said at the side of the bird and then Jim went around to climb back in. LJ had already stowed the chair in the back and was back in the cockpit. He waited for Jim to get settled in and then handed him his helmet. Jim put it on and clipped his chin strap, then did up his harness.

‘You have fun?’ LJ asked and he nodded.

‘Actually I did.’ He cast a quick look over his shoulder as the others started to get in and Ross met his eyes as he climbed up, and a little spark that flew between them made Jim smile. He started going through the start-up sequence, checking his instruments and flipping the necessary switches. The engine started up, the familiar deep rumble changing to a whine and the chop of blades through the air. He loved this, the feeling of so much power in his hands and he turned the throttle and eased back the joystick and Susie lifted off, the split second between land and air one of the most perfect he ever experienced.

‘We can take our time getting back.’ LJ’s voice came over the intercom. ‘Maybe have a little fun.’ He was grinning at Jim and Jim grinned back. It had been a good day, a day in which no-one had died and was as close to being normal as it got where they were.

‘Yeah.’ Benny said. ‘I like that.’ He and Flint hadn’t closed the doors and were braced in their previous positions and Jim laughed.

‘Benny.’ Denis was digging something out of his bag. He chucked it across and Benny caught it, a wide smile setting in.

‘Fuckin’ A.’ he said, turning it over in his giant hands.

‘Don’t just look at it man, put it on.’ Flint said and Benny unclipped himself so he could turn around and put the cassette in. He pressed the button and then started bouncing as the riff started.

‘Yeah!’ he shouted, his exuberance infecting the others around them and they were all grinning like idiots when Jim looked back briefly. He caught a glimpse of Ross in the back jump seat, one long leg braced against the side of the bird and the other pulled up to his chest as he looked out over the ocean, helmet back on and his dark eyes fixed on something Jim couldn’t see. Jim turned back, a thought occurring to him.

‘Benny.’ he said. ‘Strap yourself back in and make sure no-one's gonna fall out.’ LJ looked at him.

‘No.’ he said.

‘Yeah, your mouth’s saying that but you know you want to.’ Jim was smiling. He hadn’t done this in ages. He could hear Flint and Benny telling the others to make sure they were strapped in tight and he heard Dwight asking why. He and Ross were seated in the jump seats on left, behind LJ and the two journos behind himself. Clayton and Reynolds were right at the back behind the division but Jim knew they were secure back there.

‘Hey Benny.’ he said. ‘Crank that bitch up.’

‘Shit.’ He could hear the excitement bubbling in Flint’s voice. ‘Are we gonna lose our lunch?’

‘Maybe.’ Jim replied and then Jagger started singing and he rolled the bird hard, taking her almost on her side as he banked to starboard and flew her out back over the ocean.

‘ _Putain merde_!’ Henri’s shout as he and Denis took the brunt of the roll made Jim laugh, and behind him Benny and Flint started singing.

_I was born in a cross-fire hurricane_  
_And I howled at my ma in the driving rain_  
_But it's all right now, in fact it's a gas_  
_But it's all right, I'm jumpin' Jack Flash_  
_It's a gas, gas, gas_

Jim felt his adrenaline spike, the thrill of it setting his blood alight. This was what he loved best. Nothing in his life could compare to this, the freedom of being above the earth that bought him so much pain and disappointment. Up here there was nothing but him and the bird and the sky.

_I was raised by a toothless, bearded hag_  
_I was schooled with a strap right across my back_  
_But it's all right now, in fact it's a gas_  
_But it's all right, I'm jumpin' Jack Flash_  
_It's a gas, gas, gas_

Next to him LJ was singing and clapping his hands along with the beat, dancing in his seat, and Jim could feel Benny doing the same behind him. He swung the bird in line with the coast and dipped her nose and she went right down. He could hear the others yelling in the back, Flint’s loud war whoops. He levelled her out just before they hit the waves and she skirted over them, the rotors whipping up the water’s surface. Jim let the music fill his head, weaving her back and forth, banking one way and then the other as he joined in.

_I was drowned, I was washed up and left for dead_  
_I fell down, to my feet and I saw they bled_  
_Yeah, sure and I frowned at the crumbs of a crust of bread, sure_  
_Yeah, I was crowned with a spike right through my head_  
_But it's all right now, in fact it's a gas_  
_But it's all right_  
_I'm Jumpin' Jack Flash, it's a gas, gas, gas_

Susie danced over the sea, and Jim kept her on a heading for Chu Lai, eyes flicking down to his compass every now and then even though he knew the route by heart. The song changed and the singing continued, Dwight, Henri and Denis now adding their voices as their alarm had been overcome by exhilaration. He chanced another look back and this time dark eyes met his own and he could see for a moment what Ross must look like when he was completely without care and his face was so beautiful, lit up by a smile that put the sun to shame, that Jim felt a hiccough of desire in his chest which he tried to swallow. They eventually came in over the 91st and touched down. Henri and Denis were going in as well to get shots of the hospital and the others unpacked and carted everything back inside. Benny moved to take the cassette out the player and Denis stopped him.

‘Keep it.’ he said. ‘Think of us when you boys play it.’

‘Thanks, man.’ Benny replied. He shook hands with the journalist and Denis gave them all a little salute and hopped out the bird.

‘When the pictures are done, I will send a set.’ Henri said, following suit. ‘It was a pleasure, gentlemen. Fly safe.’ He followed. Jim watched them go. Ross had also climbed out and came to his window. Jim grinned and slid it back and Ross leaned in, resting on his elbows with his dark eyes bright.

‘You didn’t answer me.’ he said.

‘I know I didn’t.’ Jim said. He sighed. ‘Fine. Yes. But I want a goddamn corsage.’ Ross didn’t reply, just smiled and thumped the sill once and jogged off. Jim laughed and watched him, checking out Ross’ ass shamelessly.

‘What the hell was that about?’ Flint was leaning in between the seats.

‘Jim’s got himself a doctor boyfriend.’ LJ replied and Flint looked at Jim in surprise.

‘No shit?’ Benny was now staring through the window at Ross. ‘The Doc’s queer too?’

‘Not a goddamn word, Benny.’ Jim said. ‘He’ll be in shit street if anyone finds out.’

‘Scout’s honour.’ Benny held up two fingers pressed together. ‘I swear on my mother’s soul. But it’s real nice that you found someone.’ Jim and LJ exchanged glances. They had decided that Benny could be told a month after he’d joined them when he’d told them in a late night session that his best friend had a hard time because he was of a certain persuasion. Jim had asked him outright if was a problem and Benny had snorted loudly and retorted that he didn’t give a damn who his friends fucked. Jim had repeated the question but turned it around to one of the crew and Benny’s eyes had gotten big and then he’d realised what Jim was asking him. He’d said that a lot of people would have a problem with him because he was Jewish. He’d had other soldiers refuse to bunk with him or call him names because of his religion and so he knew what it was like. He’d promised to never say anything and he’d been true to that. He had however, much to Jim’s chagrin, developed a habit of matchmaking.

‘Benny.’ LJ said. ‘We’re serious. Not a word.’

‘I told you, I’ll keep schtum.’ Benny relied. ‘Jesus, you don’t need to keep telling me.’ He slumped in his seat, looking every inch the teenager he still was, just somewhat over grown.

‘Yeah yeah, we know.’ Flint laughed and shoved him in the arm. He and LJ had been the only other people Jim had told, once he trusted them enough. He’d felt it necessary after one of the other guys in the unit had told brass that Jim was gay. Snitching on people that were suspected to be queer was encouraged and Jim had later found out that the guy had been caught with another soldier down on the beach and had given up Jim’s name to save himself. He couldn’t really blame him. Thankfully Brady had told brass that Jim was as straight as an arrow and LJ and Flint and Billy had backed him up. Then Brady had called him in and Jim, terrified, had confessed only to be told that the only way he was getting out of the 54th was if he provided two snapshots as proof, one of him sucking cock and the other of him taking it up the ass. Brady was a man who didn’t mince words and he valued Jim’s skills far too much to let him go, even if it meant lying through his teeth to brass which he was more than willing to do. Since then Jim had taken care to make sure his activities were kept very well hidden and Flint and LJ and Benny all had his back, just like he had theirs. Racism and anti-semitism were just two more forms of discrimination and they all knew what it was like to face it and it had bonded them and made them strong as a crew in a time when they were all they had to rely on out over the boonies.

They flew the short distance back down the hill and landed. Benny and Flint did the shut down at the back while he and LJ did their post flight checks and completed their mission report at the front.

‘I need a drink.’ LJ said. ‘You comin’? He looked back over at the other two who both nodded. ‘Hawk?’

‘No.’ Jim replied. ‘I’m kind of tired.’

‘All right.’ LJ smiled at him, and Jim knew that he wasn’t fooled in the slightest. He knew that Jim needed some space, some quiet time. They went in and Flint, Benny and LJ went off to go shower and get into clean uniforms. They would head down to the club at the 164th to eat and spend the night drinking before going back on watch the next day. All Jim wanted to do was lie on his bunk, read and dream about Ross.

‘We’ll see you later.’ LJ said. ‘You want anything?’

‘No.’ Jim said and they said goodbye and left. He waited until they were gone before grabbing his wash kit and towel and heading down to the heads. The ablutions block was decent, concrete and cleaned every day and he showered and redressed and then took a slow walk down to the PX after dropping his things off. He bought some cigarettes and a couple of candy bars and a soda, stopping to chat to a couple of other pilots outside. He sat with them until he’d finished his soda and smoked a couple of cigarettes and then meandered back to the hooch.

It was in darkness and Jim left the lights off. One of the perks of being in medevac was having plenty of space with only themselves in the hooch. He went to his bunk, setting down the other soda he’d bought and then unlacing his boots and lying down. He lit a cigarette and stared up at the ceiling, watching the smoke coil above him.

He tried to keep his thoughts neutral, but soon enough they started drifting. The whole day had been surreal and Jim groaned aloud and covered his face with his hands as he thought of what had happened and the words that had passed between him and Ross. But then that only led to thinking of Ross again and a memory of the feel of Ross’ shoulder, his thigh, the flash of heat in those dark eyes. He could normally keep a lid on his physical needs, pushing himself to the limits until an opportunity arose. The last time had been the time on the beach, a stupidly risky thing to do but Jim had not really been in the mood to care that night.

He took a deep breath and let one hand stray across his stomach, closing his eyes and thinking of another pair that were dark and deep and filled with warmth. Ross’ face was perfect to his eyes, his perfectly sculpted lips and the strength in the lines of his face. That was not the only place he was strong either. Jim had felt those hands on him and seen the breadth of Ross’ shoulders under his greens. He caught his breath as his mind started to run wild, images of what Ross would feel like under his hands. The night of the send-off he’d been spellbound by the sculpted muscles of Ross’ upper body, the thick dark hair that coated his chest and stomach begging for Jim to run his fingers through it.

Jim’s body responded, his cock hardening but he resolutely kept his hand away, instead moving his hand up under his t-shirt to graze his own chest, nipples growing stiff as he touched them. Jim bit his lip, stifling the moan that wanted to come out. He imagined Ross’ hands on him, his mouth. If he had his choice they would have all the time they needed, time to savour every part of each other. His breathing was starting to come quick and fast and Jim finally gave in.

He stuck his cigarette in his mouth, unbuckling his belt quickly and efficiently, a skill honed by a lifetime of needing to be quick and quiet. He hissed through his teeth when he took his cock in his hand and there was no grace to his movements, only the desperate need for release as he thought about what they might do. He thought of Ross opening his mouth for him, of how he might let Jim take him in his own and the soft moans he would make as he came. But it was the thought of being on his stomach for Ross, opening his legs and letting Ross fuck him until they were both sweaty and spent that sent Jim tumbling over the edge and he came with a choked off sound, cum soiling his t-shirt and hand. It took a long time for him to start breathing normally again. Jim killed his cigarette and stripped off his t-shirt, using it to clean his hand. He lay back down, one knee bent and took another from the pack and moved to light it, pants still undone and belt loose. He traced the words on his zippo with his thumb. He’d studied the poem by A.E. Housman when he was at college, an English major with designs on being a teacher just like LJ. That was before he knew what war really was.

_Here dead we lie_  
_Because we did not choose_  
_To live and shame the land_  
_From which we sprung._  
_Life, to be sure,_  
_Is nothing much to lose,_  
_But young men think it is,_  
_And we were young._

Jim sighed and flicked the zippo open and lit the cigarette, blowing the smoke up and into the dark.

***********

Ross and Dwight sat after dinner and stared out of the window. The mess hall was winding down. Dinner had been quite good, meatloaf and mashed potatoes and thick brown gravy which Ross had perversely enjoyed, fuelled by memories of school cafeteria lunches. He inhaled deeply on his cigarette and watched Dwight put away his tinned peaches and evaporated milk.

‘Good day today.’ he said.

‘Yeah.’ Dwight nodded. ‘It was. Nice to see we’re doing some good.’

‘Yeah.’ Ross looked up past him and smiled. ‘Don’t look now but we got company.’ Dwight turned around, his face lighting up as he saw Caroline. Ross felt a little tug in his chest. Their relationship was going fast and furious and they both glowed when they were around each other. ‘Well, I know when I’m a third wheel.’ He stood up. ‘I’ll see you lovebirds later.’ Caroline was already sitting down opposite Dwight and they waved him off.

Ross took a slow walk back to the hooch, smiling all the way. He’d been smiling since Jim had confirmed that he’d be at the USO party, although that was about the dumbest idea Ross had probably had. It wasn’t like they’d be able to dance together or kiss at midnight. Still, it was a little thing that made him feel happier than he had in a very long time.

He opened the door to their hooch and turned on the light. That was when he saw there was a parcel on his cot and Ross went over and looked at it. It had a Boston post mark and he recognised the scrawling writing on the paper as Verity’s. He smiled and sat down, ripping off the paper and then wrestling his way into the box inside, bursting into laughter when he saw what was inside. She’d sent him an Instamatic camera and ten rolls of film, a navy blue cashmere sweater and a bottle of Eau Sauvage. There was also a letter, gaily written and typical Verity in its light-hearted tone and Ross continued to laugh as he read her account of the madness that was the Poldark household in the run-up to Christmas. He regarded his Christmas present and chuckled. It was so completely inappropriate for where he was but at least the cologne was going to come in handy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from Jumpin' Jack Flash by The Rolling Stones.


	6. Road House Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve was setting up to be a surreal experience.

Ross woke up without the alarm, sweaty and sticky as usual from the fact that it had barely dropped below 80 during the night. He was sleeping on top of the bare bed in his skivvies, sprawled to allow for maximum air flow around him.

‘Holy Mother of God.’ Dwight moaned from across the room. ‘I swear to fuck I am stuck to this goddamn bed.’ Ross chuckled. He felt like he was probably going to melt. He looked across at Dwight.

‘One day till Christmas.’ he said and Dwight snorted and reached for his cigarettes.

‘If we don’t all spontaneously combust first.’ he said.

**********

Jim got up early and headed for the heads after he’d done his morning routine of sit-ups and press-ups. He was in the shower when Flint came in, towel around his waist and a ridiculous pair of pink flip flops on his feet. He shucked his towel and threw it over the wooden division and came to stand next to Jim, turning on the water and sticking his head under it.

‘It’s gonna be hot today.’ he said and Jim laughed.

‘And yesterday. And the day before.’ he replied, soaping himself down. ‘Fucking crazy heat at Christmas.’ Flint snickered at him. When they’d first been assigned to the same bird, he and LJ had bitched about Christmas and how cold it was in Detroit, blithely assuming that Humboldt County didn’t get snow.

‘You’d think we’d be used to it by now.’ Flint opened his mouth under the spray and gargled noisily, then spat the water out. ‘And my mouth feels like something took a dump in it.’

‘It’s that shit they make.’ Jim replied. The Stingers were renowned for their hooch of a completely different variety, cooked up in barrels stashed in the ammo dump and made using whatever the hell they could get their hands on in the way of tropical fruit and sugar lifted from stores. ‘You know it’s gonna rot you from the inside out.’

‘Good though.’ Flint replied. ‘I live as a man with no regrets.’

‘And you smell like one too.’ Jim said, grinning and then dodging as Flint swiped at him.

‘Morning all.’ LJ’s cheerful voice echoed off the walls. He was followed by a very sick looking Benny. They joined them and Flint and Jim looked on in amusement as Benny leaned his forehead against the wall and moaned like he was in pain.

‘I’m never drinking again.’ He was barely audible. Jim laughed at them.

‘You’re all a bunch of lunatics.’ he said, tipping his head back to rinse his hair. They were still trying to get Benny to move when Jim left them and went to go shave and brush his teeth. He hung around for them to get done and they headed back to the hooch and got dressed. After breakfast in the mess hall, LJ headed off to the Ops shack to get their mission sheet for the day. There was only one crew on active call, in case any medevac missions came in, while the other two would be flying the troop missions. Jim, and Flint went down to the revetment, smoking and happily continuing to bitch about the heat as they went. Benny was trailing behind them, still hungover to fuck and morose as a wet hen.

Flint ran through the engines checks while Benny checked his med kit and Jim scrambled up the side of the Huey to check the rotor and Jesus nut as part of his pre-flight check. He had gotten down and done his exterior check and was getting started on his interior check, door open and cigarette stuck in the corner of his mouth when LJ came back with the list of missions they were going to fly that day. It wasn’t the usual routine of waiting for a call over the radio, instead they had a list of LZs to hit where they would be picking up patrols to bring back and running and medical missions that might come their way while they were out.

‘Where to, boss man?’ he asked and LJ handed him the mission sheet. Jim ran his eye over it, noting all the LZs listed. ‘Looks like a busy day.’

‘All goddamn day.’ LJ replied. ‘We got about a hundred and fifty to bring in. Should be done around six.’ He climbed into the bird and Jim went around to his side and did the same.

‘Where we goin’?’ Flint asked as he passed Jim’s door.

‘North.’ Jim replied. Next to him LJ had his chart out and was plotting their flight path. Jim ditched his cigarette and heard Benny yell butts and grinned. He put on his helmet, then strapped himself in and started to go through the start-up procedure.

‘Heading?’ he asked and LJ tapped his chart board.

‘November whisky two-two-eight.’ he replied, then peered through the greenhouse at the cloudless sky. ‘Beautiful day for flying.’

‘It sure is.’ Jim couldn’t help smiling. Behind him Flint and Benny took their seats but left the doors open. Today was going to be different, a good day. No wounded or dead to bring back in, just live bodies that would be keen to get back to base and have a hot shower and food that didn’t come out of a can or need to be cooked over C4.

‘What do you think chow’s gonna be tomorrow?’ Benny asked and Jim and LJ exchanged grins. He was constantly hungry, as most boys his age were and food was one of his favourite topics of conversation. His almost obsessive interest was matched only by Flint’s fascination for the same subject and Jim often thought that if brass ever wanted to listen in on their conversations, expecting licentious recollections of girls and fucking, they would be sorely disappointed because they would only hear a bunch of men reminiscing about the best pancakes they had ever eaten.

‘It’s usually not bad.’ Flint replied. ‘We get turkey and ham, potatoes, even had candied yams with those little marshmallows last year.’ He settled into his seat. ‘Give my right nut for a slice of my mom’s sweet potato pie though. The finest in the land.’

‘Like hell it is.’ LJ replied. ‘You ain’t tasted Angie’s.’ He smiled, and Jim saw the love written all over his face. ‘Woman cooks like a goddamn angel.’

‘You don’t have Christmas though, do you?’ Flint said and Benny shook his head.

‘We do have Hannukah.’ he replied, scratching at a scab on the side of his jaw. His beard was still growing in and it was patchy and he almost always cut himself shaving with his huge clumsy hands. Jim had never gotten over the fact that his huge mitts were completely the opposite when he was fixing up a casualty. ‘It’s kind of a big deal for us.’ He grinned. ‘Yeah. You should taste my mom’s latkes.’

‘What the hell is a latke?’ Flint asked and Jim started laughing at the way he said it. The way the two back crew spoke to each other was a source of constant amusement to him and LJ.

‘It’s a fried potato cake you ignoramus.’ Benny retorted. ‘It’s the most goddamn delicious thing in the world.’

‘Like potato hash?’ Jim could almost picture the way Flint’s face was screwed up in confusion and that made him laugh even harder. He had the bird started now, the sound of the rotors drowning almost everything else out. He eased back on the joystick and Susie Q rose smoothly into the air. He turned her nose on the heading LJ had given him and they started flying out.

‘No.’ Benny said, like he thought Flint was being the world’s biggest dumbass. ‘You should try it. It’s really fucking good. And that’s just one thing. You should see how much food my family makes.’ He kicked the back of Jim’s seat with one long leg. ‘How about you, Hawk? You and your dad go all out?’

‘Kinda.’ Jim replied. ‘We have a tree, but we don’t sing carols or any of that shit. We’re not a religious household.’ He felt a little twinge at the thought of Rob alone in the house at Christmas. Ever since Rose had died, they had been invited everywhere by numerous different neighbours and friends who’d considered it something of a sacrilegious thing that Rob did, with just the two of them celebrating together. This year he’d probably go, not having Jim home, and Jim hoped that it was to someone kind like the Trelawneys where Rob could drink beer with Jack and watch football like he and Jim had done before Jim had shipped out.

Christmas had always been a special thing and after his mom died it had gotten even more special, even though the only real sign they ever had in the house was the small bright green tree and the collection of ornaments that she’d bought for them to put on together. They had turkey, usually a massive thing that they gorged on on Christmas Day and which then fed them for a fortnight after until they were both fit to puke at the sight of a turkey sandwich. When Jim had turned sixteen the month before Christmas, Rob had handed him his very first beer and they had sat out on the deck looking out over the breakwater and smoked and watched the sky change colour.

‘You know what I’m gonna miss the most?’ Benny said. ‘My dad. Every 26th him and I go to this little place to escape the women, just the two of us, and we get pancakes.’

‘Jesus wept.’ LJ said. ‘Don’t start on the goddamn pancakes again.’

‘I’m gonna miss going out dancing on New Year’s Eve.’ Flint said. ‘That goddamn honky music they play at the USO fucking kills me. Ain’t no way a brother can dance to that.’

‘There’s not gonna be much dancin’ if it’s like last time.’ LJ said and Benny frowned at Flint.

‘What the hell happened last time?’ he asked.

‘Bunch of assholes.’ Flint replied. ‘Some dumb cracker that said the wrong thing. I almost broke his ignorant face.’

‘Good thing you didn’t.’ LJ replied. ‘You know who would have gone to the brig.’

‘That’s so fucking wrong.’ Benny said. ‘Cause you were dancing with Dem?’

‘Bigotry comes in all shapes and sizes, Benjamin.’ LJ said and Jim smiled. It wasn’t hard to see the school teacher LJ was in his real life coming out every now and then.

‘It’ll better this year.’ Flint said. ‘We’re all goin’ and if any of those dogfaces get mouthy we’ll just sic you on them.’ This was directed at Benny.

‘Why me?’ he asked and Flint laughed out loud.

‘Have you seen yourself?’ he said. ‘I don’t know what they feed you over in Yonkers, but you ain’t natural, boy.’ LJ and Jim started laughing, and Benny huffed, folding his arms.

‘Just ‘cause I’m big.’ he rumbled and Flint joined them, snickering at Benny’s face.

‘You ain’t big, baby. The Statue of Liberty is big.’ he said.

‘Mount Rushmore is big.’ LJ added.

‘Godzilla is big.’ Jim said and Benny kicked his seat again.

‘You can all go sit on it and swivel.’ he retorted, holding up his middle finger.

They were now well beyond the base, the Huey’s shadow falling across scrubby ground and the last of the outposts before the vegetation started to turn lush. They were headed for the northern territories, I Corps territory where they had been fighting the ARNV. The hills were changing to steep rocky outcrops and mountains, lethal terrain that had killed as many crew and downed as many birds as enemy fire had. Jim knew these hills now, knew how to fly safely through them in daylight and at night, letting his instincts, honed by experience and the need to survive, guide him through safely. Normally these hills were riddled with critters, the low altitude the birds flew at making them prime targets for small arms fire or RPGs but apparently even Charlie was having a day off and Jim let himself enjoy the stretch of ground they were covering. He could feel everything, every shift and movement of the Huey as the air currents buoyed them along. He kept his focus though, his experience also telling him that an unwary pilot was a dead pilot, and not just at the hands of the ARNV. Too many pilots had been killed flying into the sides of these mountains which could be as treacherous as they were beautiful.

‘Hey.’ Flint’s voice came through. ‘You hear anything about Evans, Hawk?’

‘No.’ Jim replied. ‘Why the hell would I?’ He banked the bird slightly and got momentarily lost in the play of sunlight on tree tops.

‘Well.’ Flint’s voice held a hint of mischief. ‘Seeing how you and the Doc got this _sympatico_ thing goin’ on.’

‘That means exactly dick.’ Jim retorted. ‘And me and the Doc got nothing goin’ on.’

‘Hey.’ Benny said. ‘Is the Doc comin’ to the dance?’

‘What the fuck does that have to do with Evans?’ LJ asked.

‘Nothin’.’ Benny was now grinning. ‘I was just wonderin’ if that meant Hawk was gonna kiss him at midnight.’

‘No, you asshole.’ Jim replied. ‘I am not kissing him at midnight. You want us to end up in the brig? Or worse yet, I get shipped home on an 89 and then who’s gonna fly your sorry ass around, huh?’

‘Seems a shame, though.’ Flint knew he was on to a winner and wasn’t letting it go. ‘You two make kind of a cute couple.’ He waggled his eyebrows at Benny. ‘Maybe we can arrange something.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim snapped back. ‘And maybe you can suck my goddamn dick.’ There was a chorus of oohs and LJ chuckled.

‘Careful.’ he said. ‘Now you’ve made him mad. You know how pissy he gets.’ He grinned at Jim. ‘Besides, wouldn’t sucking your dick be the Doc’s job?’

‘Actually I’m kinda curious about that.’ Benny said. ‘How do you decide who sucks whose dick anyhow?’

‘They flip a coin.’ Flint said.

‘Jesus fucking Christ.’ Jim shook his head in disgust at them. ‘Don’t think I won’t put this bird down and whip your working-class asses, all three of ‘em.’ Laughter rang in his ears and Jim couldn’t help smiling. They never meant anything by it and it was through this that they kept themselves sane, a good natured way to say the hurtful things or voice the fears they had in a safe place. And Jim knew that it wasn’t just him who couldn’t be who he was, who couldn’t act the way he wanted. Demelza and Flint would be in the same place but they wouldn’t be kissing at midnight either, the abuse they could receive too much of a risk. The last time had turned nasty just because they were dancing together.

‘We could always skip it.’ he found himself saying.

‘What are you talking about?’ Flint asked but Jim could tell he was curious.

‘Just an idea.’ he said. ‘We start out there but we don’t have to finish there.’

‘You thinking the hooch?’ LJ asked. ‘They’ll never let the girls on the airfield.’

‘No.’ Jim said. ‘But nobody has to know they’re there.’ He grinned, ideas starting to trip through his head. ‘And it means no paying extortionate USO prices for beer.’

‘Son of a bitch.’ LJ looked thoughtful. ‘It could work.’

‘We keep it quiet though.’ Jim said. ‘Just us and the other medevac, and whoever wants to come down from the 91st.’

‘Including the Doc?’ LJ winked at him and Jim rolled his eyes.

‘Yeah, I’ll ask him.’ he said. ‘If it’ll stop you bunch of goddamn amateur matchmakers from busting my balls about it.’

‘Good.’ LJ said. ‘We might as well all try and enjoy ourselves.’

**********

Ross went down to the R & E for his shift at seven o’clock after he’d had breakfast. He’d chosen to do the shift precisely because no-one else wanted it and he was looking forward to the quiet. Demelza had taken the same shift as him and they ran into each other down the walkway.

‘Hey.’ She was smiling and then spotted the camera in his hands. ‘What’s that?’

‘Christmas present from my cousin, Verity.’ he said. ‘She wants pictures.’ Demelza laughed and struck a pin-up pose and Ross took the picture.

‘One for the scrap book.’ she said, linking her arm through his. ‘For when this madness finally ends.’

They started their rotation, but the lack of casualties and the fact that it was the Christmas Eve shift meant that it was dead quiet with most of their time taken up doing rounds and checking stores. Demelza, Reynolds and Clayton were the only ones on duty in the R & E with him and eventually they all ended up sitting around a trestle table in one of the store rooms behind the triage room at around half past six having run out of chores to do and the next set of rounds only due at seven-forty five before they were due to go off shift. They were playing five card stud for cigarettes and chatting, when they heard the sound of footsteps.

‘Anyone home?’ a voice called and they all jumped a little because Clayton had been telling stories more suited for Halloween than Christmas while they played.

‘In here.’ Demelza called and someone came into the store room and Ross’ heart did a little happy jump when he saw who it was. ‘Hey Hawk, what are you doing up here.’

‘Proposal.’ Jim said and winked at Ross in a way that made Ross’ attention start wagging its tail. ‘We had an idea.’

And what idea would that be?’ Demelza had her chin cushioned on her hand and was smiling at him.

‘That the USO dance is probably a good starting point.’ Jim replied, stopping at the table and looking over Clayton’s shoulder at his cards. ‘Are you playing poker?’

‘Yeah.’ Reynolds answered. ‘You want in?’

‘I want in.’ Jim scouted around for another chair, spotted one and went over to go get it. He brought it back and Ross scooted his over before Jim could sit anywhere else. Jim flashed him a quick smile and settled in, taking out a pack of cigarettes from his top pocket that was almost full. He put it down and Clayton collected the cards and dealt him in.

‘It’s awful quiet round here.’ he said, staring intently at his cards before handing two back on the first round.

‘Rounds are in an hour.’ Ross said. ‘You can come help us out if you like.’ He looked at Jim. ‘So you going to tell us this proposal or let us die of suspense.’

‘With that attitude I’m actually going to win all your butts, Doc.’ Jim said. ‘You’ve been invited to a New Year’s Eve party.’

‘I thought we were hitting the USO?’ Demelza said. She nibbled on a tendril of coppery hair. ‘Stick.’

‘We will.’ Jim replied. ‘First. But we’ll bail once things start picking up and no-one will miss us.’

‘I’m in.’ Reynolds put two cigarettes in the middle of the table. ‘So what kind of party?’ They all put in their bets and Jim sat back and regarded them.

‘The highly unofficial kind.’ Jim replied. ‘The kind that requires donations in the form of alcohol and nobody to find out about it.’

‘That can be arranged.’ Reynolds was grinning.

‘Can I tell Caroline?’ Demelza asked and Jim nodded. ‘Her and Dwight will want to come.’

‘And Kayleigh.’ he replied. ‘Benny’s got a serious jones for her. Call.’

‘Will do.’ Demelza replied cheerfully and then laid out her cards. ‘Read ‘em and weep fellas.’

‘Goddammit.’ Clayton threw his cards down as she gathered up her winnings. ‘At this rate I might as well quit.’

‘I’ll let you have some back on loan.’ Demelza chuckled and handed him a handful. They played until it was time for rounds and got up.

‘Come with me.’ Ross said and Jim gave him a quizzical look. He led him through the triage room and down the corridor to the recovery unit. ‘He’s been awake most of the day today and he’s got some good news.’ Jim frowned and then saw who Ross was leading him to.

‘Hawk.’ The voice was still a little weak, but Evans looked a lot more like himself again and not the crushed ruin of a man that they had flown in.

‘Hey.’ he replied and went over. Ross watched him as he went to the side of Evans’ bed and grabbed a chair and bought it over.

‘I’ll let you two catch up.’ he said and went to go and do his walk through of the ward. There were three main wards – recovery, one for transfers to the surgical hospital and the hospital ship and one for local people who needed medical care. He took his time, being thorough as he checked charts and patients. He ran back into Demelza in the locals unit where she was mixing up formula for the babies of the seven woman currently in care, all of whom had infants between birth and five months old.

‘Is Hawk still around?’ she asked and Ross nodded.

‘He’s talking to Evans.’ he said. ‘He doesn’t know they’re shipping Evans back home and I thought he’d like to find out and pass it on when he gets back.’

‘Yeah, they will be pleased to hear that.’ Demelza said. ’53 was here almost as long as 51 has been.’

‘You said they lost their medic?’ Ross said. ‘Benny is his replacement?’

‘The 54th was inaugurated in ’68.’ Demelza replied. ‘Hawk, LJ and Flint were one of the original crews sent out here, all fresh out of flight school. LJ had done a couple of years when he was eighteen, so this is his second time around but Hawk and Flint were just these fresh faced babies.’ She smiled. ‘But then so was I.’ She finished filling the last bottle. ‘Billy Manderley was their medic before. They were on a routine pick up, the LZ wasn’t supposed to be hot. A sniper got him, right through the window of the bird. He was unlucky, if he’d been a couple of inches taller it would have been a chest shot and he might have made it.’

‘What happened?’ Ross asked and she shrugged.

‘The round got him in the neck, nicked the carotid. He bled out in minutes, nothing Flint could do.’ She sighed. ‘He was the same age as Hawk and Flint and they all came out at the same time which was why they ended up here. They were tight.’

‘It must have been hard.’ Ross couldn’t imagine seeing anyone he cared about getting hit. Then he remembered the conversation about them all being shot. ‘What happened before, when LJ and Flint were injured?’

‘That was last year.’ Demelza said. ‘They were coming in to an LZ and there were a couple of machine guns and they hit 51 pretty badly. Flint got hit in the chest and stomach, LJ took one in the shoulder and Jim had two in the thigh. He was damn lucky they didn’t hit anything serious.’ She smiled. ‘Silver lining though. Flint was in here for a month healing and that’s kind of how we started.’

‘I didn’t know that.’ Ross said. ‘I don’t know a lot about you. I should probably ask more questions.’

‘Not much to ask.’ Demelza said. ‘I’m an Appalachian girl. My dad was a miner until he was killed in a collapse and my mom died when I was young. Drake’s the only real family I have, him and Flint.’

‘And you always wanted to be a nurse?’ Ross asked and she nodded.

‘It was a way to get out at first.’ she replied. ‘But then I realised I was good at it and that I enjoyed it.’ She shrugged. “I didn’t even think twice about signing up to be honest.’ She regarded the bottles. ‘You think Hawk would mind helping with these?’

‘Why don’t you ask him?’ Ross replied.

‘Maybe because you two seem so tight these days.’ she said. ‘It’s an odd friendship.’

‘Odd how?’ Ross’ heart was started to pound in fear, like it always did when he felt like he was going to get caught doing something he shouldn’t.

‘Well it’s not everyday that officers and warrants hang out.’ she said.

‘You’re an officer and you hang out with them.’ Ross said and Demelza’s smile turned knowing.

‘That’s because I’m banging one of them.’ she said and flounced off. Ross shook his head at her and walked off, waiting until he was out of sight to let out the breath he’d been holding in, relief rushing through him. Demelza didn’t know anything or suspect anything but he made a resolution to be less overt around her.

Jim was still sitting with Evans when he got back to the recovery ward. He looked up and Evans gave Ross a smile.

‘Thanks Doc.’ he said. ‘I’m glad we got a chance to talk.’ This was to Jim.

‘Me too.’ Jim got up and shook Evan’s outstretched hand. ‘Glad you’re going home.’

‘You look me up when you get Stateside.’ Evans said. ‘I’ll buy you a beer. Least I can do for getting me back.’ That made Jim look at Ross but Ross simply nodded and moved to check Evans’ chart.

‘I think you need to sleep and I need to borrow Hawk for a bit.’ he said and Evans nodded, already lying back, eyes starting to close.

‘Sure thing, Doc.’ he replied and Jim got up and followed Ross.

‘You haven’t told him?’ he asked and Ross turned to look at him.

‘Told him what?’ he asked and Jim raised both eyebrows at him.

‘That your dumb ass was the one that went and pulled him out.’ he said. Ross shrugged.

‘No big deal.’ he said and Jim laughed, incredulous at what he’d just said.

‘No big deal?’ he said. ‘Jesus, Ross. It’s a very big fucking deal. That’s honest to God one of the bravest things I’ve ever seen anyone do.’ Ross stopped dead when he said that, confusion on his face. He’d never considered what he’d done brave, not considered it much at all. Jim stood and looked back at him and it was a look that was full of wonder and something else that made Ross’ breath catch. Then he laughed and the spell was broken.

‘So what do you have in store for me?’ he asked and Ross had to pull himself together enough to answer.

‘Babies.’ he replied and now it was Jim’s turn to look confused.

He turned out to be very good at feeding, patient enough to sit and wait till they were done and then wind them and not get grossed out by it. Demelza was supervising and they chatted away while Ross did his rounds with the local patients they had. He even managed to get a couple of shots of Jim doing it, baby balanced in the crook of his arm and grinning at the camera.

By the time they were done, it was just after eight and Jim made moves to go. Ross walked him to the door of the R & E and out into the dark. They kept pace with each other until they got to the edge of the revetment and the road that led down to the airfield. It was dark now, and they were in the shadows of the trees, hidden from sight.

‘I’m not brave, you know.’ Ross said and Jim looked at him. ‘I was just along for the ride.’ He turned to him. ‘Demelza told me about when you got shot.’ Jim scuffed the dirt with his boot and shrugged.

‘Like you said, no big deal.’ he replied. ‘They were through and throughs and I was back on duty in a couple of weeks. Flint took the worst of it.’

‘And Billy.’ Ross said and Jim’s face darkened. He looked away.

‘Billy was a good kid.’ he said. ‘He was kind and funny and he saved a shitload of men. And then he was lying on the floor of the bird and none of us could do a goddamned thing. He just lay there and bled to death in front of us.’ He looked back at Ross. ‘This place is nothing but death and blood and hell some days.’ Then the corner of his mouth quirked. ‘And then one day you realise that dying ain’t the worst of it.’

‘So what is?’ Ross asked. Jim regarded him steadily. Then he stepped forward and reached up, the tip of his forefinger just resting on Ross’ lower lip, tracing a soft line along it.

‘Not living.’ he replied, and then he walked away and Ross was left watching his shadow move down the road. He waited for a while and then something occurred to him.

‘Hey.’ he called and Jim stopped and looked back. ‘What are you doing for Christmas?’

‘Hanging in the hooch.’ Jim called back. There was something that could have been a smile on his face. ‘You want to come over when you done here tomorrow?’

‘Can I?’ Ross asked and Jim huffed a soft laugh.

‘Sure thing, Doc.’ he replied. ‘Just make sure you’ve got your drinking shoes on.’ Now the smile was there and Ross smiled back and watched him leave until his shadow was indistinguishable from the night. He went back to the R & E to run through the handover to Dwight, which ate up an hour of his off time, and then walked back to his hooch, turning Jim’s words over in his head. When he got there, it was to yet another package on his bed, this one larger than Verity’s had been. He opened it to find that his mother had been shopping. There were tinned deli foods and another sweater, this one burgundy. It made him laugh, the idea that they were sending him sweaters when it was over ninety out utterly mad. However, what was underneath the sweater made him smile broadly at the possibilities it held. This was obviously Joshua’s contribution – a bottle of single malt and another of cognac. He lifted them out and then an idea hit him right between the eyes. Ross got up and stashed the food in his locker for the next day. He would miss Christmas lunch because he was going to be in the R & E but with all this they could have themselves one hell of a lunch right there.

He had other plans for the alcohol. He figured the cognac would make a suitable donation to the New Years Eve party, but the whisky was going with him. He checked he had enough cigarettes and then grabbed his cap and headed out the door.

**********

Jim had gotten back to the hooch and found a party in full swing. Angie had sent them a Christmas tree a week before and they’d put it up in the hooch and decorated it with the tinsel she’d also sent. There was also a menorah, a small brass one, that Benny had next this bed. The others had done a beer run in anticipation of Christmas Day and there were cases stacked against the wall. Angie had sent packets of cookies, cheese, salamis and even a canned ham. There was also heavy fruit cake from Flint’s family and a shitload of candy. Rob, being his ever practical father, had sent over small things that could be shared out – bubble gum, razor blades and six cartons of cigarettes. There was also a couple of books for Jim which constituted his Christmas present and a journal to replace the one he was almost done using along with some pens and envelopes and paper. Benny’s family had sent an abundance of batteries for his cassette player as well as a couple of new cassettes and a dizzying selection of German sweets. All in all it was shaping up to be a good Christmas, all things considered. The best part though was that LJ had also managed to get three bottles of Jim Beam with their collective monetary contributions from the PX and that was earmarked for when the beer buzz was well and truly in.

The others were all on their cots when he got in, CCR on the player, and getting a start on the beers, and they looked up as he came in. The smell of marijuana was pervasive and Jim went to his corner, sitting down to shuck his shirt and t-shirt, the humid air hitting his overheated skin as he scratched at the back of his neck.

‘So they in?’ Flint asked and he nodded.

‘They’re in.’ he replied, leaning over and taking the joint LJ was holding out to him. He took a hit and exhaled, the acrid smoke burning his lungs, then took another and handed it back. Benny had gotten up and came back with a beer for him. Jim took it and the can opener and punched the top twice, then handed it back. ‘Dem, Clayton and Reynolds. Dem said she’s gonna bring Kayleigh as well.’ He purposely didn’t mention Ross.

‘And the Doc?’ Flint was grinning. Jim threw him a look and didn’t answer.

‘Man, I am looking forward to tomorrow.’ Flint said. ‘Nothin’ to do but lay around on my ass all day. Take a walk up and kiss my lady, give her the present I got her.’

‘What did you get her?’ Jim asked and Flint smiled. He rolled into a sitting position and got up, scrabbling around in his locker before he came back and showed them the beautifully carved pair of jade earrings he’d bought Demelza on his last leave.

‘That should get me at least a kiss.’ he said and grinned as he stowed them away safely again.

‘You two gonna try and get R & R together?’ LJ asked and he nodded.

‘Got our names down.’ he said.

‘Where to?’ Benny asked. He was on his back, regarding his hands and making shadow puppets.

‘Australia, we hope.’ Flint said. ‘Maybe Hawaii if we’re real lucky.’

‘You could get married in Hawaii.’ LJ said with a grin.

‘I’d have to ask her first.’ Flint replied.

‘So ask her.’ LJ said. ‘Girl that fine, you can’t let her get away.’

Jim lay back on his cot and half listened to them talking, his mind drifting towards other thoughts.

*********

Ross took the dirt road Jim had gone down, his heart starting to race at his own audacity. Being a captain certainly had its perks and sailing through the guard post was one of them. Not that anyone was too hung up, what with it being Christmas, especially when he sacrificed a pack of cigarettes to the cause. They wished him all the courtesies of the season and Ross walked on through to the airfield.

There was a definite feel of something going on. The enlisted men’s building had music blaring forth as the ground crew and other personnel partied. He headed down through the rows of hooches, the occupied ones all in a similar state. 51 called it the ‘jungle’ and it was easy to see why, the windows emitting only a little light and the smell of grass and sounds of music making it seem like a small city all on its own.

51’s hooch was as loud as anyone else’s, and as Ross drew closer her heard the Doors. He walked to the steps and climbed them to the door, then hesitated. It felt odd to be knocking but he did anyway. Predictably there was no answer and he finally just opened it. The sight that met him was enough to make his mouth fall open and his heart start trying to hammer its way out of his chest. Benny and Flint were sitting on the floor, backs against the wall and passing a joint between them, a case of beer at their elbows and looking more than a little stoned. LJ was nowhere to be seen. The whole hooch was in darkness except for a couple of candles which threw shadows and gave off a soft light, just enough to see by. The spare cots had been pushed against the walls and there was now a large space at the front of the hooch and it seemed Jim had decided to take advantage of that fact.

_Yeah, keep your eyes on the road, your hand upon the wheel_  
_Keep your eyes on the road, your hands upon the wheel_  
_Yeah, we're goin' to the Roadhouse_  
_We're gonna have a real_  
_Good time_

Ross had vague recollections of the night of the send-off, most of the evening having been eclipsed by the kiss he and Jim had shared at the end. He remembered them dancing, but the actual details had proven to be hazy. Now standing there, completely sober and with all his faculties intact, Ross could do nothing but stare as his entire body felt like it was being doused in gasoline and set on fire.

_Yeah, back at the Roadhouse they got some bungalows_  
_Yeah, back at the Roadhouse they got some bungalows_  
_And that's for the people_  
_Who like to go down slow_

_Let it roll, baby, roll_  
_Let it roll, baby, roll_  
_Let it roll, baby, roll_  
_Let it roll, all night long_

Jim was completely oblivious to anything around him, dancing as naturally as if he’d been born to do it. If Ross had had any doubts at all about the fact that he was attracted to him and in the worst possible way, seeing Jim dancing around shirtless was enough to dispel them. He had a cigarette in his mouth and a beer can in his hand, hair mussed and skin shiny, and Ross was stunned at the difference between this man and the put together one that had been at the hospital with him not even two hours earlier, his uniform immaculate and not a hair out of place.

‘For a white boy, his rhythm ain’t half bad.’ Ross spun around and saw LJ behind him. Like the others, he was shirtless and his smile was feral. Ross could smell the beer and grass on him and LJ nodded at Jim. ‘You come a courtin’, Doc?’ Ross felt his face heat up, the implications of LJ’s words making him nervous as hell. Still he straightened up and held up the whiskey.

‘Thought I’d stop by and wish you all an early Christmas.’ he replied. ‘Seeing as I’m stuck in the R & E tomorrow.’

‘Damn.’ LJ squinted at the bottle. ‘Is that a goddamn Glen Moray?’

‘You know it?’ Ross asked, momentarily shocked and LJ laughed and stepped past him.

‘Yeah, I ain’t a complete Philistine. Not like this lot.’ He beckoned Ross in and Ross followed, noticing with some alarm that Jim hadn’t even registered his arrival. LJ noticed and chuckled, putting his arm around Ross’ shoulders.

‘Boy gets in the zone.’ he said. ‘He’s also tripping off his nuts right now. Now, let’s you and me go have a talk about your intentions and break into that.’ He grinned and took the bottle from Ross. Ross went with him, and sat down on the end of Jim’s cot. LJ rooted around in his locker and came out with some of the glasses that Ross recognised from the send-off. He handed them to Ross and then cracked the bottle, pouring out two measures and then corking it and standing it on the table against the wall between his cot and Jim’s. He clinked his glass against Ross’ and sat down, inhaling the aroma of the whisky deeply.

‘Your good health.’ he said and saluted Ross and Ross did the same.

‘And yours.’ he replied and they both drank. He couldn’t stop himself though, and his eyes gravitated to the figure silhouetted against the candlelight. The music had changed and was slower now, and Ross was spellbound.

‘He’s something, huh?’ LJ said. ‘You know you get this expression on your face when you look at him.’

‘What kind of expression?’ Ross asked, dragging his eyes away. He felt safe talking here, the music too loud for Benny or Flint to hear them.

‘Like he’s the centre of the goddamn universe.’ LJ chuckled. He had leaned back and now had a tobacco tin on his lap, open to reveal the contents which were undoubtedly illegal. He took a paper from inside and started rolling, his fingers expertly manipulating the grass until he had a perfectly formed joint, twisting the end off. ‘To be honest, it kind of worries me.’ He offered the joint to Ross, and Ross took it and LJ lit it for him with his zippo. Ross inhaled and held it in, like they’d taught him at the send off, then managed to exhale without coughing.

‘I know.’ he replied, handing it back. ‘It worries me too.’ He looked at LJ. ‘How come you’re so cool with it?’

‘Because I practise what I like to call a live and let live philosophy.’ LJ said. He sipped the whisky and let out a happy sigh. ‘Damn good shit.’ His eyes were sharp though when he looked at Ross, nowhere near as stoned as he was making out. ‘Jim’s a good kid. He deserves to be loved just like anyone else, and the people that say otherwise are a bunch of cold-hearted motherfuckers.’ He sipped again. ‘The question is Doc, are you gonna be the one to do it? Or are you gonna break his heart, because I can’t let you do that.’ Ross was completely taken aback. He wasn’t sure how to answer but then he saw that they weren’t alone anymore. He looked up into a smile that sent shivers down his spine.

‘Hi Doc.’ Jim said, pushing his sweaty hair back from his face, and Ross was lost. ‘When did you get here?’

‘Yeah.’ LJ drawled, looking at Ross with a grin. ‘There’s that look again.’ He turned to Jim. ‘Why don’t you boys go for a walk?’ He grinned at Ross. ‘I’ll keep Mr Moray company. You could probably both use some air.’

‘Okay.’ Jim said and then smiled like he’d just had the best idea. ‘You wanna go sit in Susie? I can show you how she works.’

‘Yeah.’ Ross replied. The grass was kicking in now and he couldn’t stop smiling.

‘Just don’t start her up and take her for a joyride.’ LJ said and Jim laughed, holding out his hand. LJ heaved a sigh and took out the tin again and rolled another joint and handed it to him. Jim stuck it behind his ear and went to pick up his t-shirt off the cot and pulled it on, much to Ross’ disappointment. He got up, now feeling a lot more unsteady that he had a little while earlier and when he tried to walk, he almost fell over and crashed into Jim. Jim caught him and Ross looked up at him, their eyes locking.

‘You gotta be careful, Doc.’ Jim said, laughter colouring his voice. ‘That shit of LJ’s is strong.’

‘Yeah, I’m figuring that out.’ Ross straightened up, his skin tingling from where Jim’s hands had held him up. They left LJ in the company of the single malt and walked to the door, stepping over Flint and Benny’s outstretched legs as they stopped to grab a six pack each before leaving. Flint and Benny were both so stoned all they could do was look up at them and wave. The night air was barely a degree cooler than inside the hooch and Ross followed at Jim’s heels as they went to the revetments. The Ops shack had the door open, light and music streaming out, and they skirted around the far side of the revetment to avoid being seen.

Susie Q was right at the far end of the revetment, and there were no lights around her which meant they could approach without being seen at all. Jim opened LJ’s door and Ross more or less fell in, scrambling to his feet and falling into the AC’s seat. He pulled the door closed and opened the window as Jim got in the other side, balancing his six pack on the instrument panel and Ross copied him. Jim had left his door open, it being on the side facing away into the darkness. He got comfortable and then took the joint from behind his ear and lit it. He handed it over to Ross and while he took a hit, Jim opened two beers and handed him one, taking the joint back from him. They sat in silence for a while, smoking and sipping their beers and Ross realised that the tension was definitely building between them. He looked at the instrument panel and then back at Jim.

‘This all looks very complicated.’ he said and Jim smiled.

‘Okay, we’ll start slow.’ He inhaled and handed the joint over. ‘Compass.’ He pointed at the side of his panel. ‘The one above the clock is your vertical velocity. The one above that is your altimeter.’

‘What does that do?’ Ross asked, leaning over to see. In the confines of the cockpit, he could smell Jim’s sweat and it went straight to his head.

‘Measures your altitude above a fixed level, which in our case is the ground.’ Jim replied. He took the joint back and inhaled, blowing the smoke out the open door. ‘That one next to it is your attitude indicator.’

‘Huh?’ Ross looked at him confused and Jim burst out laughing.

‘It’s the artificial horizon.’ he said. ‘You use it when you can’t see the real one. It tells you which way is up. Then it’s the airspeed indicator. That one shows you how fast you’re going.’ He was smiling as he said it and Ross realised he was being teased. He shoved Jim in the arm, and the contact was electric. He decided that it probably wasn’t a good thing to be doing with the way he was feeling.

‘What’s that?’ he asked, pointing at the nearest thing to try and deflect the feelings that were now starting to demand his attention.

‘Fuel pressure.’ Jim replied, but he hadn’t taken his eyes off of Ross. ‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Sure.’ Ross said, but his heart was now thumping in anticipation. He looked at Jim and the heat flared inside him.

‘Did you really come all the way down here to learn about how to fly a bird?’ Jim asked and his voice was pitched softer. Ross tried to answer and found his mouth was dry. 

‘I don’t know why I came down here.’ he eventually said and Jim smiled, all teeth and dimples. It had a slightly predatory slant to it and Ross suddenly realised that his hands were shaking. ‘It’s just what you said about not living.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim was staring blatantly at his mouth and Ross had to dig his nails into his palms. ‘So what you wanna do about it, Doc?’ He looked right at Ross, head resting against the side of his seat and Ross suddenly found himself wanting nothing more than to lean over and kiss him.

‘This is probably a terrible idea.’ he said, trying to put the brakes on himself and the situation.

‘I fly an unarmed helicopter into areas of heavy military action, Ross.’ Jim said. ‘I’m kind of in love with terrible ideas.’ He was breathing slowly, his lips slightly parted and his eyes now had an almost hypnotic look to them. ‘You want to get in the back?’

‘Shit.’ Ross could feel his body gearing up, responding to the electricity that was now sparking between them. ‘I feel like I should say no.’

‘Then say no.’ Jim replied. ‘No-one’s gonna stop you from leaving.’ He stretched back in his seat, one arm above his head and a look on his face that made Ross’ cock get interested very quickly. ‘How about this. I’m getting in the back. You want to join me, you meet me there.’ He flicked the remains of the join out into the dust and then got out. Ross sat there, heart pounding, and then heard the door behind him open and then shut after Jim got in.

He closed his eyes and then opened his side and got out. He closed the door behind him, terrified and eager and so filled with trepidation that he could hardly breathe. Then he went to the side and almost on cue it opened and Jim held out his hand.

‘You know once we do this, there ain’t no going back.’ he said and Ross looked up at him. Then he reached out and took Jim’s hand and Jim hauled him up and into the bird. Ross moved so he could pull the door closed behind them and then they were facing each other. Jim moved first going to sit down on the jump seats under the stretcher section. Ross hesitated for only a moment and then went to sit next to him. Jim moved so that he was facing him, head against the bulkhead behind him. Ross did the same, one leg tucked up underneath himself. They stared at each other for a long time, just listening to each other breathe, then Jim reached out and put his hand to Ross’ chest. He smiled.

‘You heart is beating so hard, I swear I can hear it.’ he said and Ross couldn’t speak, lost in the touch of Jim’s hand. He took in every detail of Jim’s face that he could see and then Jim leaned in towards him and Ross felt the warmth of Jim’s breath on his mouth just before Jim kissed him. It was gentle, barely even there, but it was enough to make his heart soar and his stomach knot and he heard himself, completely unable to stop the soft noise that escaped him as he closed his eyes and let himself go. He felt Jim respond, tilting his head, and the kiss deepened into something else entirely. He reached up with one hand, placing it against the side of Ross’ neck, thumb resting lightly against Ross’ jawline and then he felt just the lightest flick of Jim’s tongue against his mouth and Ross shivered at the intensity of the sensations it provoked. Jim did it again, a little more forcefully and Ross opened his mouth to him, answering with his own tentative overture and the feel of Jim’s tongue against his own was enough to send him spiralling out of control, clutching at Jim’s shoulder desperately, fingers gripping his t-shirt tightly as they both fell into it. It grew heated in seconds until they were devouring each other, breathing noisily through their noses and trying to get as close as they could. Jim threw one arm around Ross’ neck, and Ross pulled him in tight, until Jim was more or less in his lap. They never stopped kissing, both of them lost in each other as they moaned into each other’s mouths with every touch. Eventually they broke apart, battling to breathe.

‘Fuck.’ Jim was panting. ‘God, I want you.’ Ross sucked in a breath and then Jim’s mouth was on his again and he fought back, toppling them both from the jump seats to the floor of the compartment. Jim ended up underneath him and Ross realised with a jolt that he could feel Jim’s cock, hard and digging into his own and he instinctively thrust down against him. Jim moaned, hooking one leg around Ross’ hip with the heel of his boot resting on the back of Ross’ calf, and arched up into him. He reached up, arms around Ross’ neck and pulled him down to him, his mouth warm and wet and luring Ross in.

They kissed again and again, both of them barely able to even breathe until Ross felt Jim’s hands slide under his shirt and they scorched his skin. He broke away and started kissing everywhere he could get to, Jim’s jaw, his neck and back up again. Jim was digging his nails into the skin of Ross’ shoulders, tiny flares of heat that took everything up a level. Ross moved to brace himself on his elbows, mindless of the hard surface they were lying on and then managed to fight his way onto his knees. Jim watched him, eyes fixed on him and half sat up to push at Ross’ shirt.

‘Off.’ he panted and Ross reached back, pulling it over his head and discarding it. He watched Jim fight his way out his own shirt and then they were back down again, pressed up against each other to keep every stretch of skin in contact. It was better than anything Ross had imagined, the feel of Jim’s bare skin against his own driving him crazy. He could feel the cold of Jim’s dog tags and his own and had a crazy thought that they’d get tangled like that, locked in to each other by the thing that had bought them together and he wanted nothing more than to just drown in Jim, let all the shit outside float away so there was nothing left but the two of them. He wanted to speak, wanted to tell Jim what he was feeling, how right this seemed to him but he couldn’t. He could only keep kissing him, thrilling at each little noise Jim made, at every shudder of his body under Ross’ hands.

‘Ross…’ Jim’s voice was so soft and it killed Ross to hear the want in it, to know that Jim wanted this as much as he did. He held on tight and Jim did the same.

‘This is so goddamn unfair.’ he muttered into Jim’s hair. ‘Why did I only meet you now?’ He pulled back and saw that Jim had that little smile he got.

‘If it helps, you’ve got me now until this ends.’ he replied. ‘Until one of us leaves or I end up dead. Either way there’s no chance I could stay away from you now.’ He ran a hand down Ross’ chest, fingers drifting over one nipple, and the contact between them flared in Ross’ blood.

‘So what do we do?’ he asked.

‘This.’ Jim replied. ‘As and when we can.’ He put his hand to Ross’ face and Ross turned his head enough to kiss the tips of his fingers.

‘What if I want more?’ he asked. ‘What if I…’ He was cut off by Jim’s mouth, the kiss silencing him. Ross kissed back, desperation filling him. He felt Jim freeze and he pulled away. Then he heard it, the sound of voices.

‘Fuck.’ Jim hissed and they disentangled from each other in record time, grabbing their respective shirts and pulling them on and sitting up just in time for the door to be pulled back.

‘You know we have to sit in here, right?’ Flint said, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

‘You motherfucker.’ Jim hissed and dived out the bird on top of him and they went down in a flail of limbs, Flint shrieking in a most unmanly fashion as Jim got his own back for being interrupted. Benny and LJ stood and watched them tussling in the dust like a pair of squabbling children while Ross got out the bird.

‘Do they always act like that?’ he asked and LJ nodded.

‘Worse than a couple of kids.’ Ross noticed he had the whisky. ‘Thought we’d head on down to the beach. Watch the sun come up.’

‘Really?’ Jim was now sitting back on his heels, white t-shirt smeared with dirt and his eyes blazing. ‘You thought that was a good idea?’ He sounded furious and LJ held out a hand to him and hauled him up.

‘MPs came by.’ he said and the tone he used was admonishing. ‘Told us all to keep it down.’ He raised his eyebrows meaningfully. ‘And we thought it may not be the best idea for you and the Doc to get caught makin’ out in the back of the bird.’ He grinned at Ross. ‘Which is obviously what you were doin’.’ That took the fight right out of Jim and he huffed, not quite meeting LJs eyes.

‘No, probably not.’ he said. ‘Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome.’ LJ said. ‘Now let’s get going before those overgrown primates catch us out here. Benny, go grab the beers.’

The walk to the beach took about ten minutes and by the time they got there, Ross had managed to fight off his hard on. He and Jim stayed at the back. He noticed that Jim had his hands in his pockets again and wondered if it was a reaction to stop himself from reaching out, from taking Ross’ hand and interlinking their fingers. He liked to think so.

They went down the southern end, close to the bluff that housed the 91st and chose a patch of sand that was in the shadow of the rocks. Ross could hear others, voices drifting down and he could see tiny lights, the embers of cigarettes or joints that were being smoked. He sat down in the sand and Jim sat down next to him, close enough that they were touching. To anyone passing they would look like a couple of friends but the illicit thrill of what they had been doing was still with him. He stayed quiet, luxuriating in the feel of Jim so close to him and Jim turned his head, chin pressed against his shoulder, and looked at him. It was dark so Ross couldn’t really see him, but the weight of Jim’s stare was almost tangible. It drew him in and then Ross felt a soft touch, Jim’s fingers just resting against his leg where it was stretched out in front of him. The beers were handed out, and they chased them with the whisky and smoked cigarettes until the first flickerings of pale pink and grey started to lick at the deep velvety blue of the night sky.

‘It’s so beautiful out here.’ Benny’s voice came from down the line.

‘Yeah.’ LJ replied, and then stood up. Ross and Jim both looked at him as he started stripping off his clothes.

‘What the hell you doin’ old man?’ Flint asked and LJ smiled.

‘Morning swim.’ he replied and Flint laughed. Then he stood up and started following suit.

‘Are they serious?’ Benny asked Jim and Jim nodded.

‘Unfortunately.’ he replied. ‘Hell of a way to celebrate Christmas.’ He chuckled and lit another cigarette.

‘Come on, junior.’ LJ said, kicking sand over Benny’s legs. ‘Get your ass up.’

‘This sounds like it should be against the goddamn Geneva convention.’ Benny grumbled but he got up and undressed and Ross grinned as he watched the three of them, stark naked and laughing, run down to the water and head in.

‘They’re such assholes.’ Jim said around his cigarette, but the love in his voice was clear even to Ross. He looked at him. The light was enough that he could now see colour bleeding back into Jim’s hair and skin and he stared at him, struck by the beauty of Jim’s face in stillness.

‘What is this?’ he asked and Jim shrugged.

‘Does it need a name?’ he asked. ‘Why can’t it just be?’

‘I guess so.’ Ross replied and Jim looked at him, his eyes so pale that they looked almost silver.

‘What do you want it to be?’ he asked. ‘Ask me and I’ll give it to you.’

‘Why?’ Ross said. ‘Why would you do that, knowing that it’ll never last?’

‘Because I want it.’ Jim replied and now his hand was reaching over and Ross gave him his, and the strength of Jim’s fingers when they slid through his was soothing, grounding him. ‘Because I want you, even if it’s only for a little bit.’ His smile was tinged with sadness. ‘She can have you when you go back, but you can be mine here.’

Ross felt himself being crushed by the weight of his feelings, Jim’s blunt view of their situation making him feel uplifted and saddened at the same time.

‘Can you teach me?’ he found himself asking. ‘Can you show me everything?’

‘Yeah.’ Jim said, and his fingers tightened around Ross’. ‘Anything you want, Doc.’

They turned their heads back and watched the three men play fighting in the water, hands clasped tightly and the feelings running wild between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from Road House Blues by the Doors.


	7. I Think We're Alone Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No your eyes do not deceive you. Who knew that song had an original sixties version. Aaaanyway here's 15k of drama and New Year's Eve.

0800

I Corps was on the move but so were the VC and the ARNV. The weather had turned as well, raining for almost the entire week. It was still hot to most people, ranging between eighty and ninety, and the sweat was running down the back of Jim’s neck as he sat in the hooch, book in hand as he read and waited for a mission to come through. They had been up since five and had spent the past three hours just hanging around. LJ and Flint were playing cards and Benny was reading a Sad Sack comic and snickering to himself.

The siren took them all a little by surprise. It had been quiet since Christmas and they had all been a little freaked out by that fact. It was New Year’s Eve and they were all looking forward to coming off shift and the little party they had planned. The 91st staff were all going to come down at around nine and meet them at the dance and then they were planning to sneak off around eleven.

‘Shit.’ LJ was up, scattering cards and they followed him, all of them running from the hooch down the line to the revetment. Jim headed for the Ops shack to get the mission report and co-ordinates from the operator, a young soldier named Ortiz. When he got there, Ortiz was at the radio and already had the specifics written down and Jim grabbed the slip of paper from him and ran back out.

When he got to the revetment the bird was fired up, the rotors beating steadily. Jim fought his way into his chicken plate, snapping the catches to hold it secure. Benny and LJ were already in and Flint handed Jim his helmet as he climbed in and passed the co-ordinates to LJ, who had his charts out, while Flint shut his door and checked it was closed properly. LJ found the one he needed and started mapping out a course for them to take. He was the one that would take them in, although it was always Jim’s decision as to how they approached. LJ was now on the radio as Flint climbed in closed the door and Jim got himself strapped in, helmet on and ready to take off. He heard the reply from the patrol they were flying in to and pulled back and Susie lifted off into the air, her nose down and her ass up as he gunned the throttle and she headed off.

‘Patrol, this is Dust Off Five One.’ LJ said over the radio. ‘We are approaching your area from the north-east. What is the approach and what is your security?’

‘Five One we are currently pinned down about one mile from the LZ. Recommended approach is from east to west. The area is not secure. We got critters about 200 yards back, heavy fire including mortars, over.’ Jim listened, noting how calm the radio operator’s voice was. They always were, even under the worst fire, and LJ’s call through to them would make them stop counting on their side, knowing that 51 was in the air and on her way. At least this one was being honest about their situation, not that he ever blamed anyone for being less than forthcoming. He could only imagine what it must be like being under heavy fire with someone you knew, your friend, bleeding out into the dirt and thinking that if you told the incoming medevac that the LZ was hot they would turn around and fly away. They weren’t to know that every medevac crew was bound by their pledge to save anyone and everyone they got called out for and that they would not leave without their patients, regardless of whether they were hostile, friendly or simply locals caught in the crossfire.

‘Godammit.’ LJ said over the intercom. ‘Hot LZ. Just our luck.’

‘I know.’ Jim replied. Hot LZs were bad news, the time they were in hover or resting on the ground the time they were most vulnerable to mortar or RPG fire or even a machine gun. He heard Flint and Benny behind him, checking over their rifles. He and LJ both carried pistols, not normally issued to pilots. They had gotten theirs because Brady had been insistent that his crews were all armed. He knew all too well the price of being on the ground and not being able to defend yourself.

They kept on their heading, flying just over the tree tops. The patrol radioed through again.

‘Five One we have confirmation of LZ. There’s a paddy field about five hundred yards to our position.’ the radioman said and Jim sucked in air through his teeth as he considered it. He nodded at LJ and LJ replied.

‘Roger that. Can you get there?’

‘Think so.’ the soldier replied.

‘Ask them which end is closest?’ Jim said and LJ relayed the question.

‘South end is closest, over.’ the soldier replied and Jim did some quick thinking. They were ten minutes out and he needed a plan, especially if they had mortars.

‘That’s where they’ll be expecting us to land.’ he said to LJ.

‘What you have in mind?’ LJ asked. He trusted Jim’s uncanny ability to make sense of an LZ, his long experience making him able to assess the situation in seconds.

‘Tell them to send someone to pop smoke at the south end, then get their wounded to the northeast corner.’ he said. LJ nodded and relayed the order.

‘Patrol, can you pop smoke now? Also need a report of number and type of casualties, over.’

‘Copy that, popping smoke now. We have five to come aboard. One’s pretty bad, he’s lost a foot. The others seem to all be small arms fire.’ the radioman replied.

‘Copy that.’ LJ replied. He looked back over his shoulder. Benny was disinfecting his hands in preparation. Jim took a deep breath, his focus sharpening and his mind going into the strangely emotionless state he had when he was going into an LZ. He’d pretty much lost any fear after he’d been shot and realised that the worst had happened and that he’d survived it.

There was now a contrail of yellow smoke up ahead and Jim headed for it. He circled the bird around to the east, coming in so he would be able to swing the tail into the line of fire with the treeline behind them. Benny and Flint had their doors open, their M16s ready to fire off a series of rounds to give them enough time for their little ruse to work. They knew what Jim was up to, had done this with him before. There were a series of small pops, the sound of bullets being fired, but they were too far away to really have any major effect.

Jim breathed in and out evenly, his sights fixed on where he was going to set the bird down. It was just far enough from the treeline for the small arms fire to maybe hit but not cause too much damage. If the enemy wanted to take them out, it would have to be with something bigger and mortars took a few minutes to get into position and set up. It would hopefully give the patrol enough time to get their wounded up to the opposite side and then Jim could just lift the bird a couple of feet off the ground and fly straight in towards them. He swung Susie round, her ass facing the trees and set her down as gently as he could be, then started counting the seconds off in his head. Benny and Flint were both at the port door, firing short controlled bursts into the trees.

‘Patrol, are you in position, over.’ LJ asked and the reply came back immediately.

‘We are in position Five One, over.’ the soldier replied and LJ looked at Jim.

‘One more minute.’ Jim muttered under his breath. He knew that the longer they were there, the more time they’d have on the other side. The first mortar came out over the trees and it landed short, but close enough that it kicked up a shower of dirt and rocks that hit the side of Susie.

Jim engaged the throttle and pulled back, the bird lifting a couple of feet into the air and flying effortlessly over the stretch of green and blue until he could see the open patch of dry ground that the patrol were waiting next to. There was a man standing there, both arms up to guide them in and Jim came down just in front of him, keeping Susie in line so that her tail was still facing south, presenting the smallest target. Flint and Benny were out in a second, rifles put away as they started to get the wounded in. They had all been crouching on the edge of the clearing, and now they came out, hobbling and hopping over with the aid of their uninjured comrades. There was one litter case and they got him hooked up on the uppermost suspension. In addition to him there were four other men in a bad way, one bleeding profusely, and Benny went to work immediately. His skill lay in assessing the patients’ immediate needs and while the untrained may have thought the man with the missing foot to be the most serious, it was clear that he was stable. He now had the man with the chest wound on the deck, putting on a compression dressing to try and stem the bleeding.

Flint helped the last one into the bird and climbed in behind him, giving Jim’s seat a smack as he did, the signal that they were done. Jim lifted off and sent Susie towards the edge of the paddy, guiding her up just enough to go over the heads of the remaining members of the patrol as they ran back into the trees for cover, skirting just over the treetops as he increased their speed. Next to him, LJ was radioing the 91st, informing them of the number and type of casualties as Benny reported back to them, still working. Flint was setting up the IV for the soldier with the chest shot, holding the glass bottle aloft until he could stand and hook it up. Benny was completely focused, silent as he worked.

‘ETA fifteen minutes.’ LJ was saying. ‘One traumatic amputation, two chest traumas and two with trauma to the lower abdomen and limbs.’

‘Copy that, Five One.’ a voice said on the other side and Jim felt a little flutter in his chest as he recognised Ross’ voice. ‘We’ll see you soon, over.’

‘Sounds just like a goddamn soldier now.’ LJ said, giving Jim a little sidelong look.

The trip back to Chu Lai was thankfully uneventful. The southern provinces weren’t as hilly and Jim could fly in low, the decreased altitude also enabling the patients with trauma to not have to work as hard to breathe. The Huey’s shadow raced across the fields and trees below them, and he kept her speed at the maximum, knowing that even seconds counted here. Eventually the trees opened up and the airfield came into view. Jim came around from the south, flying out towards the ocean before swinging up and to the north, popping over the buildings and touching down on the landing pad.

He saw the medics running out from the R & E as Flint slammed the door back and Benny hopped out, issuing instructions as they helped the casualties out. Two medics took the man on the litter. There was also a tall figure at the back, standing and telling the medics which patient to take where and just before he went back in, he raised a hand and Jim raised his in reply. Then they lifted off again and started their run back down to the revetment.

**********

0900

Ross ran back in with the casualties, already gearing up to attend the soldier with the sucking chest wound. He could see it was not good, the blood coming from it bright red and bubbling with air where it leaked from under the dressing, a result of the round that had gone in and was now causing the pneumothorax as air was sucked in from outside the chest and which was now pressing on the lung and obstructing the soldier’s breathing as his lung started to collapse.

They got inside and the littler was set down on the sawhorses, the man’s IV hooked up to a stand. Ross had his stethoscope in his ears, listening for breath sounds and found them to be unilaterally absent. He checked for the other clinical symptoms and made the call.

‘Patient has a tension pneumothorax. I need to decompress.’ he said to Demelza, who was attending him and she nodded, turning to get a large bore angiocatheter and handing it to him. Ross placed one hand on the soldier’s chest as he removed the dressing and grimaced at the size of the bullet hole. He glanced up and saw that the soldier was young, barely out of his teens if that, his dark eyes wide and frightened. Ross gave him a reassuring smile.

‘I am going to put a needle in your chest.’ he said. ‘It’ll help you breathe.’ Demelza had moved to take the soldier’s hand and Ross felt happier when he saw that there was some strength in the grip. He nodded at Clayton, who had stepped in to assist as well, and the GMO steadied the soldier so Ross could insert the angiocatheter, a 14 gauge needle with a plastic tube that would allow the air to be drawn off. He preferred the anterior axillary approach, inserting the needle between the fourth and fifth ribs into the intercostal space to remove the air and relieve the pressure on the lungs to allow the patient to breath properly again. He used his finger tip to identify the correct place, wiped it with disinfectant, and then inserted the needle. It went in and Ross listened for the distinctive sound of the air being released. He waited until he was satisfied then removed the needle, securing the catheter with surgical tape and nodding to the medics. The soldier would now be taken to surgery where a chest tube would be inserted and the round removed. Hopefully he would survive and make a full recovery.

Ross stood back and looked across as where Dwight was attending the other chest injury, this one not as severe as Ross’. Anderson had one of the two abdominal traumas and was working efficiently, his trademark calm firmly in place. That left the final patient, the soldier who’d taken rounds in the side of the abdomen and the thigh. Ross moved to where he was now stretched out on a littler and did a quick assessment, probing gently to see what he was dealing with. From what was visible he could tell the entrance wounds were not the neat round holes caused by bullets but rather more jagged and he suspected this was shrapnel.

‘You get hit?’ he asked and the soldier nodded.

‘Grenade.’ he said, his voice surprisingly strong. Clayton already had scissors, cutting away the laces of the soldier’s boots and easing them off. Ross grabbed another pair, working on the pants that obscured the wounds. He cut everything away and Demelza moved in with a cloth to cover the soldier’s groin and preserve what counted for as modesty in triage. Ross stripped off the loose dressings and noted the scattering of injuries, one particularly large one in the thigh which had been the cause of most of the bleeding. He ran his finger very lightly over the site and could feel the shrapnel inside and looked at Demelza.

‘Forceps and a suture kit.’ he said and smiled down reassuringly at the soldier. ‘This is going to hurt coming out, I’m afraid.’

‘No sweat, Doc.’ the soldier replied. ‘It hurt like a son of a bitch going in, so I figure it can’t be any worse.’ Ross nodded and started irrigating the wound, flushing out dirt and blood, then probed to locate the pieces of the grenade that were lodged inside. When he was done, Demelza handed the forceps over and Ross got to work. He inserted them gently and grasped the first piece. Demelza was now at the soldier’s head, taking his hand to quiet him as he hissed in pain.

‘What’s your name?’ she asked, her gentle soothing tone making the soldier relax visibly as he focused on her. He winced when Ross took the shrapnel out and dropped it with a metallic clink into the waiting dish, then went back in for the next one.

‘Corporal Leroy Martin, ma’am.’ he replied and she smiled.

‘No ranks here, Leroy.’ She said. ‘I’m Dem. Where you from?’

‘Lafayette, Louisiana.’ he replied. Ross listened with half an ear, full of admiration for Demelza’s skills at calming people and giving him room to work. He felt the next piece of shrapnel, easing it out with as little damage to the surrounding tissue as he could manage.

It took the better part of half an hour to get everything out and there was an impressive collection of metal in the dish once Ross was done. He was now sitting next to the soldier, drugged up on morphine and feeling a lot happier, while he stitched the larger wounds closed.

‘That’s very neat work.’ Dwight said. He had finished with his patients and was now spectating.

‘Thanks.’ Ross said. They both lifted their heads as the CB radio started. Dwight frowned and went to answer it.

**********

1100

In the bird Jim was swearing loudly, using every combination of every curse word he’d ever learned to express his frustration.

‘Keep her steady.’ LJ said and Jim snorted.

‘Yeah, you wanna try?’ he replied, weaving Susie to the side as another flash from below signalled an RPG heading towards them and went flying past with barely a few feet to spare, hitting the side of the hill in front of them and blowing a sizeable chunk out of it. The sound of small arms fire was accompanied by the clink of some of the rounds hitting their mark. Thankfully it was coming from the other side to the one that Flint and Benny were leaning precariously out of.

They had not even had a chance to land before the next call had come in over the radio. This was from a patrol north of Chu Lai and when they had arrived they found that this time the radioman had been a little less honest that they would have liked him to be. For one thing, this retrieval had no chance of landing. The patrol was on a hillside, the vegetation far too dense to land in, and they had managed to get their casualties to a ledge that Flint and Benny could then lower the hoist to. This is itself was tricky, Jim having to come into a controlled hover just above the trees and dangerously close to the rocky mountain side which ran a risk of the rotors catching and the bird going down. He would have to use all his skill to make sure that didn’t happen and control the bird so that the injured soldiers could be brought up. What the patrol hadn’t told them was that the area, in contrast to what they had said, was very much not secure. The forces they had been fighting were down in the woods below them, firing up through the trees at the bird and they also had an RPG. The only thing stopping them from blowing 51 out the sky was the fact that they were under cover. And on top of all of that was the fact that the weather had decided to take a turn for the worse and the rain was coming down in sheets, visibility down to only a few feet so that they could hardly see the soldiers down below trying to catch the hoist.

‘Jesus Christ.’ Flint sounded just as frustrated. ‘This is a goddamn impossibility.’

‘Try it again.’ LJ said, still as calm as if he was on a Sunday drive.

This time there was enough of a lull in the fire for Jim to hold the bird absolutely still, the penetrator to be lowered and the soldier strapped into it. He came up, crying in fright and pain with holes in his chest and stomach. Benny got him out the hoist as quickly as possible and started working on him, while Flint sent it down again. There was a strange whine and the mountain side exploded about twenty feet to their right.

‘That was a mortar.’ LJ remarked.

‘Thank fuck their aim is off.’ Flint bit back. He was hanging out the bird, one hand keeping him secure while he peered down into the grey. Jim gritted his teeth and tried to keep as level as possible. Once false move and Flint would tumble out the bird and onto the rocks below. ‘Two more to go.’

The next one came up, his arm strapped up against his chest. The patrol medic had done a decent job of stopping the bleeding and he was stashed in the corner with the first soldier who had a head and eye injury to wait for the last one. This one was another victim of multiple rounds, and when they finally got him in, his skin was pasty and grey and his breathing barely there. Benny now had the other soldier’s wounds dressed and he immediately started working on the other one, but when he started to get at the wounds, there was another explosion and this was a lot closer, rocking the entire bird.

‘Motherfucker!’ Jim looked back at Flint. ‘Get that goddamn hoist up now!’

‘Done.’ Flint slammed the door closed, his poncho and helmet slick with rain. ‘Go!’

Jim pulled Susie away from the mountain, and that was when he saw the flare of an RPG coming towards them and his first instinct was to get the hell out of the way, He banked sharply and it went flying past them, but he heard the explosion and then the back of the bird shuddered.

‘Shit.’ He felt the cyclic rattle violently in his hand. ‘I think we just got hit.’

‘How bad?’ LJ asked, the slight rise in volume the only sign he was unsettled. Jim tested the anti-torque pedals and Susie lurched to the right but had difficulty banking sharply to either side.

‘There’s your answer.’ Jim said. ‘Flint, we need you to have a look.’ The bird was still moving forward which showed there was no damage to the main rotor, but having no tail rotor would be very bad news, unbalancing the bird and making it probable that they would need to use an autorotation to land. Then, of course, it would be necessary to see how bad the damage was and get it fixed up as soon as possible. It also meant flying a strange bird until she was. Flint slammed open the door and leaned out as best he could then came back in.

‘It’s still on.’ he said. ‘But it looks like it’s a little crooked. Probably been knocked badly. Gear box and tail are intact though.’

‘And your professional assessment would be?’ LJ asked.

‘We need to get back, put a new rotor on.’ Flint said. ‘That should fix it.’

‘Are you sure?’ Jim asked. ‘This doesn’t feel like just a busted rotor.’ Susie was starting to yaw and he was struggling to keep her straight.

‘We’re only ten minutes out. Let’s get our asses back into friendly country and then we deal.’ LJ said. He radioed through to the base. ‘Control this is Five One, we are on our way back but we may have a busted tail rotor, over.’

‘Copy that, Five One.’ Ortiz replied. ‘We’ll have ground crew standing by, over.’

‘Better make that fire crew as well, Ortiz.’ Jim said. ‘Just in case.’ The muscles in his forearms were standing out as he battled the vibrations.’

‘Hey are we gonna get out of this?’ This was from one of the injured soldiers and Benny looked at Flint.

‘Hell, yeah.’ Flint replied, sounding as assured as he always did. ‘Hawk’s the best goddamn pilot in the 54th. You’re gonna be fine.’ Jim flicked a quick look at LJ and saw the worry in his face that only he could read. The ten minutes seemed like it took forever and with each passing minute, Jim could feel the instability increasing. They had just dipped down over the hills and the airfield was in sight when it happened. The bird shuddered violently and then started yawing from right to left with lurching movements that had them bouncing all over the place.

‘Shit!’ Benny was holding on for dear life.

‘Everybody chill out!’ LJ yelled over his shoulder. ‘We got this.’ He hand his hand on his own cyclic, helping Jim fight the instability that showed that they had just suffered a catastrophic tail failure. They were over the airfield now, and Susie was trying to turn, to go into a spin as the torque became unmanageable. Jim knew that would mean a crash and a crash would probably mean the end for everyone in there with him. Behind him, the compartment had gone completely quiet.

‘We’re going in.’ he said and LJ nodded, his face grim as he felt how badly the bird was fighting them. ‘Control, this is West Coast. We have a tail rotor failure and we’re coming in hot. Please advise on nearest available landing.’

‘Copy that, West Coast.’ Ortiz said. ‘Come in where you can, I am calling the tower now.’

‘There.’ LJ was pointing down at the near end of the runway. ‘Nothin’ to hit.’

‘Got it.’ Jim knew they were coming in really fast, but decelerating ran the risk of the entire engine cutting out and become dangerously unstable and that would mean an uncontrolled descent and landing. This would wear out the skids but it would mean they would still be alive to walk away from it. The water on the runway posed a problem though so he would have to make sure he got the balance just right. They were getting lower, Susie’s nose coming up from the air being pushed around her and Jim gritted his teeth as they skirted over the edge of the runway, barely inches above the ground now. He could feel his heart racing, every bit of concentration going into bringing her down inch by inch and then they hit the runway and kept going, the water making the friction less than it should be. Susie started to slide, her nose turning off the centre line and her tail starting to swing, but then the fiction finally overcame her momentum and she slowed and then juddered to a stop and everyone more or less fell forward.

‘Goddammit.’ Flint had ended up between the seats, legs in the air. ‘I think I may have twanged something.’ Jim stared at him, his chest heaving as the adrenaline finally breached his self-imposed icy calm and he started laughing. LJ looked at them both and then joined in, both of them near hysterical with relief. In the back, Benny was being as professional as he always was, checking on their casualties.

‘Can we get these guys off the bird?” he asked, his voice sounding like that of a man ten years older in its authority and Jim smiled. He was the one who flew, but Benny was the one who made sure their casualties stayed alive.

‘You got it.’ LJ said. ‘Control, this is Five One. Can we have a wagon get to us as soon as possible. We have casualties that need to get up to Nine One asap.’

‘Copy that, Five One.’ Ortiz said. ‘You all right?’

‘We’re all right. Down and all our asses in one piece.’ LJ said then sat back in his seat. ‘Goddammit, I think I just shit myself.’

‘You and me both, brother.’ Flint was righting himself. He leaned in and patted Jim on the shoulder. ‘Nice flying, shortass.’

‘Fuck you.’ Jim replied, now smiling so hard his face hurt. ‘And fuck me. That was too damn close.’

‘Christ, I need a fucking drink.’ Flint stepped over the casualties to open the door, the driving rain coming in. They could hear the sirens of the ambulance that was on route. It got to them and the medics climbed out the back and helped Benny and Flint unload the patients from the bird. Flint closed the doors and banged on them and the vehicle took off for the 91st. LJ looked over at where a bunch of ground crew was headed their way.

‘Guess, we’re walking back.’ he said. ‘Good work, James.’

'Thank you, Mr Silver.' Jim replied.

**********

1150

‘Has Five One called in yet?’ Ross asked as he came back from the store rooms where he’d gone to go get what he needed for the incoming casualties.

‘Didn’t you hear?’ Dwight said. ‘They had to make a crash landing down on the strip. We sent a wagon down to go get their patients.’

‘No, I didn’t hear.’ Ross felt his stomach lurch. ‘Are they all right?’

‘From what I heard.’ Dwight said. ‘Control told me that the ETA is about ten minutes.’ He frowned at Ross. ‘Hey, are you okay?’

‘Yeah, fine.’ Ross pulled himself together. ‘Just fine.’

**********

1200

‘Fuck this shit.’ Flint grumbled. They were all walking in the rain back to the Ops shed. The ground crew had taken charge of Susie, getting right on moving her back to the revetment so Flint and their own crew could start fixing her up. They were all soaked, the heavy downpour relentless as it hit them.

‘Hey, your ass is in one piece.’ LJ said. ‘Be grateful.’ He shivered. ‘Also be grateful you have a goddamn poncho ‘cause Hawk and I are getting wetter than a mermaid’s garter belt.’

‘What now?’ Benny asked.

‘Now we see how bad the damage is.’ Jim replied. ‘And then we hang around for her to get fixed up. The next crew will step up. We’ll just go back in the rotation.’

‘Happy fucking New Year.’ Flint grumbled.

‘Ain’t New Year yet, baby.’ LJ replied.

***********

1200

The wagon pulled up outside the R & E and Ross stood under the overhang of the building and watched the casualties being unloaded as the medic told him and Dwight what had happened. Then they went in and went to work. Ross had to force himself to keep focused, the sick feeling he’d had the second Dwight had mentioned the crash landing finally abating until he was back in the zone and completely engrossed in what he was doing. It was only after he was finally done and the last patient had been shipped off to surgery that he let himself go and then it was like being kicked in the balls.

Christmas had been a washout. Ross had been exhausted after an unusually busy Christmas shift and he’d fallen asleep on his bed while trying to get ready to go and see Jim. He’d woken up after midnight with drool on his pillow and the awful realisation that he’d effectively stood Jim up. He knew they were flying the next day so he’d simply let it go and when 51 had landed on the pad for their first run he’d apologised profusely only to get a grin and assurance that it was okay because Jim had been too drunk to do anything anyway. Ross suspected it hadn’t only been alcohol, but seeing how quickly he was falling into their bad habits he really couldn’t censure 51’s drug use.

Now he was desperate to see Jim, to put his hands on him and check for himself that he was okay. He’d seen what crash landings did, there had been one just that week involving a Skyhawk that had come in too hot. The pilot hadn’t stood a chance and he’d been dead by the time the wagon had bought him up and he’d gone straight into the morgue. Ross checked his watch and huffed in frustration. It was still only twelve.

**********

1245

‘You boys all right?’ Brady was concerned, his calm gentle face creased with worry as they gave him a rundown of what had happened.

‘Fine.’ Jim said. They were in the hooch, changing out of their wet uniforms. ‘Close call but we made it, Should take a couple of hours to change the rotor and then we can get back to it.’

‘All right.’ Brady said. ‘We’re getting a shit load of call-ins today. I Corps is hitting heavy offensive lines. Hawk, LJ I’m assigning you to 68 and 81 respectively. Seems the hot dogs were funny last night.’

‘Funny strange or funny ha-ha.’ LJ couldn’t resist asking. Brady chuckled.

‘Well, RJ and Gomez are both shitting themselves so that answers your question. I can let them sit this rotation out and recover.’

‘No sweat, sir.’ Jim got up from lacing his boots. ’68 still out?’ Brady checked his watch.

‘They went on a run about twenty minutes ago. Go wait in the Ops shed and then you can change over.’ He turned to LJ. ‘Head on over to 81 and let Gomez know.’

‘Yes, sir.’ LJ said and got up as well. Brady gave them a nod and headed out into the rain. He was a good CO, a soft-spoken man with a strong character that inspired confidence in the men under his command and as pragmatic as the day was long but with a reputation for flying that was absolute madness to anyone but a medevac pilot and unlike other COs he was just as likely to be found in the pilot’s seat as any of them.

‘Well, better go check in.’ Jim said. They stood a moment to shake hands, a little ritual they had when they split up to fly other birds. ‘I’ll catch you later.’

‘Fly safe.’ LJ replied and Jim jogged off into the rain once more, head down and keeping to the overhangs where he could stay out of the rain. In spite of this, his hair and shoulders were wet again when he got to the Ops shack. Ortiz was inside at his radio and he grinned at Jim as he came in.

‘Lucky break, Hawk.’ he said and Jim dropped into one of the chairs.

‘You ain’t lying.’ he replied. ‘Shit got hairy out there.’

‘You’re lucky it didn’t blow.’ Ortiz said. ‘You want coffee?’ He nodded over at the coffee machine he had set up in the corner and Jim went to go get some. ’68 should be in in a minute.’

Jim sat and blew on his coffee, sipping and feeling the warmth go through him. It was the damndest thing that it was still hot as hell though, the rain bringing very little relief. He wondered what the sea would be like, the wind no doubt bringing something that was at least surfable. The sound of the bird coming in caught his attention and he got up to go and look out the window. 68 was coming in, her nose painted with the words Luck Be A Lady (RJ was a big Sinatra fan) and he drained his mug and set it down. They didn’t shut down, refuelling hot and he put his helmet on, said goodbye to Ortiz and ran out into the rain and switched places with a very green looking RJ.

‘Goddamn mess. I’ve puked three times this morning.’ he shouted at Jim over the sound of the rotor and rain. Jim grinned and waved him off, getting in next to Callaghan, RJ’s AC. He was a lifer, a Major in the Army for many years, and had flown birds in Korea.

‘Morning, sir.’ he said, ever respectful of his senior officers. Callaghan was a cheerful man, pushing forty and still as gung ho as ever. He’d volunteered into medevac for the challenge, something that made quite a few people question his sanity.

‘Morning, young fella.’ he replied and Jim smiled. He called everyone that. ‘Nice to have you aboard.’ He had his charts out and they sat while the ground crew got the fuel line in and filled Lady up. Not unexpectedly, Ortiz came over on the radio with a fresh set of co-ordinates and Jim strapped himself in and prepared to take off for the fifth time that day.

**********

1450

Two hours after the last load came in, the R & E was hit with two calls, one from 68 and one from 81. They were both full up, six soldiers on 81 and another eight on 68 and Ross braced himself for a long few hours. It was just before three and they had another five hours to go, but between the three medevacs they had seen to over thirty casualties so far. It was not turning out to be a good day.

Ross stood at the door, watching as the rain drove down and listened for the sound of the birds coming in. His ears were now completely attuned to the thump of the rotors that he could pick them up in the distance and got ready to go over. Next to him, Kayleigh had packs of cookies and bottles of chocolate milk from the stores for the crew. The birds had all been flying since six with little respite, especially since they were a bird down, so there was no chance they would stop for lunch. It was supposed to only be a four hour flying shift per day for the pilots, but they always went over. As long as there were casualties they kept flying.

68 came in over the bluff and Ross frowned. RJ never bought his bird in that way and then he realised who did and his heart jumped just a little bit. He was on the pad and headed to the pilot’s window as soon as the bird touched down. As he got there, the pilot pulled it down and he got a dimpled smile that made him feel happier than he could have thought possible.

‘You okay?’ he asked, not even bothering with niceties.

‘Yeah.’ Jim said. ‘We’re all okay.’ There was something, a little hesitation and sense of reticence and Ross remembered that he was talking in front of Callaghan.

‘Good.’ he said. ‘We were worried.’ There was a flash in the blue-green and he knew that Jim understood what he meant.

_I was worried. You scared me. ___

‘Doc?’ It was Clayton and Ross knew he had to go.

‘I’ll see you all later.’ he said and Jim nodded. Ross stepped back to let Kayleigh deliver her supplies and ran back towards the R & E. At the door he turned to see the bird lift off and turn back into the rain. Inside the R & E he joined Dwight. This was a good drop off, most of the injuries were not so serious that they were life threatening although they were painful and there was a lot of swearing. The patrol had been caught in a firefight, so there were a few soldiers with bullet trauma and one with a nasty gash where he’d dived to hit the deck and ended up hitting his head on a rock of all things. Ross was busy working on a soldier with a through and through that had gone through his shoulder when the second bird landed. He didn’t go out for this one. The medics had gone and when they started coming back in, Ross turned and went pale at what he saw.

‘They got hit by a mortar while they were in a foxhole.’ Clayton said by way of explanation. He and Reynolds laid the litter down on the sawhorses next to Ross and Ross had to bite back his shock as he moved to examine the soldier.

He’d never seen anything like it. The man’s face was burned and bloodied, the searing heat of the mortar taking off skin to expose the raw meat underneath. He’d lost his left arm, nothing but shreds and tatters of skin and tissue remaining. Ross could see that his pupils were uneven and fixed, and he couldn’t focus, the blood coming from his ears indicative of perforated eardrums. He was clearly in massive shock. It was one of the worst things Ross had ever seen. He looked up at Dwight for a split second and Dwight was every bit as appalled as he was, then he looked down at his own patient, another soldier from the same bird that had half his guts hanging out.

It took over two hours getting through that second set of casualties. Ross' soldier had gone into cardiac arrest only minutes after he started working on him and Ross had watched him die, not feeling any great sense of surprise except at the fact that he’d lasted that long. He kept going, stopping only to clean the blood and tissue from his hands and disinfect them repeatedly. There was no time here for gloves and he worked ceaselessly, going from one patient to the other. The trauma from the mortar hit was appalling, with internal organ damage that left him astonished that the soldiers were still alive in some cases. They weren’t able to save all of them and by the time they were done, five were dead despite their best efforts.

Ross glanced at the clock on the wall as the last man was taken away, having finally given up after both he and Dwight had fought to save him for the past half an hour, repeatedly bringing him back until the soldier’s heart had just given up. He walked to the door, completely numb with exhaustion and stress and got just outside. Dwight was next to him, and he took the cigarette that Ross offered him.

‘Shit.’ he said, leaning in to light it off the flame of Ross’ lighter. Ross then lit his own and they both slumped against the wall. They smoked in silence and then heard footsteps. It was Caroline and Ross wordlessly offered her one as well and she took it. He lit it for her.

‘I think that was the worst one I’ve ever seen.’ she said, and Ross could hear the slight tremor in her voice. ‘That was bad.’

‘Three hours to go.’ Dwight’s voice was flat. ‘Fucking happy New Year, my ass.’

‘I need to get drunk.’ Caroline said. ‘I need to drink enough vodka martinis to float the goddamn Titanic.’

‘Now that’s an idea I can really get behind.’ Dwight said and she leaned into him a little.

Ross stared out into the rain, inhaling and exhaling slowly as he thought of the bird out there somewhere that was carrying Jim around. He just needed to get through the next few hours then he would be able to see him.

**********

1800

Their last run was not as hairy as the one that had left Susie with her tail busted but it wasn’t exactly smooth either. Now they had four in the back and 68’s medic was working on them while Jim bought them back in. The rain hadn’t let up in the slightest either and the mix of blood and rainwater was sloshing everywhere, from the back to the front of the bird.

‘Shit.’ Kellerman said. He was an older medic and like Callaghan had seen action in Korea. He was now holding on, one hand actually inside the soldier’s chest, using his fingers to clamp the ruptured blood vessels while they flew hell for leather down from the hillside they had picked the four casualties up from.

‘Nine One, this is Six Eight.’ Callaghan was saying. ‘We’ve got four inbound, one open chest trauma and three others with shrapnel injuries, over.’ The injuries had been the result of a grenade that had been fired into their midst. The guy with the open chest wound had dived onto it and been partially blown to pieces.

‘Copy that.’ Jim was pretty sure that was Dwight speaking but he sounded so flat and tired it was hard to tell. ‘ETA?’

‘Twenty-five minutes.’ Callaghan said.

‘Copy, Six Eight.’ Jim was now sure it was Dwight but he sounded terrible. He had a thought that they had probably seen close on fifty casualties that day. He checked the clock. It was almost six o’clock, time for them to sign off but Ross would still have another two hours left. He flew on autopilot, his own fatigue ignored until he would be able to touch down on the revetment and switch Lady’s engines off. There were two other crews that would take over for the night detail.

They came in over the airfield and Jim brought 68 around the bluff like he did every time with 51 and came in to land. His fingers were starting to tingle from the constant strain and he felt like he needed to be shaken out. They had done twelve runs in total, back and forth and now he was done.

He came in to land and saw that the medics were waiting, along with Dwight, easily spotted in his brightly coloured shirt, but no sign of Ross. Jim looked out the window as they came running forward, the open door letting in the rain as they took out the casualties. Kellerman went with them, holding on to the soldier as they got the litter out and he went in with them. He watched and waited but Ross did not come out.

Eventually Kellerman came back and climbed in and they took off to head back down to the revetment. They were all quiet, all of them worn out and just dealing with what they had seen and they knew theirs hadn’t been the most devastating, that Eight One had picked up the mortar hit and that had to be by far the worst.

Jim swung Lady round and touched down in the revetment, his only urge now to get the hell out of the bird and get rid of the day. He started the shut down and the engines whined as they slowed. Next to him, Callaghan wrote out the flight report. It would use neutral words like casualties and trauma and hostile territory but it would never come close to expressing what they really saw out there. Jim looked down at the reddish coloured liquid collected in the footwell and sighed.

‘Just leave the doors open, I reckon.’ he said and Callaghan huffed next to him.

‘Hell of a day, Jim.’ he said and looked over at Kellerman and Cooper. ‘We’ll need to wash her out.’ They cleaned out Lady, spraying her down inside to get rid of the blood and rainwater and then mopping her out. Once they were done, Callaghan and the others went off to go and report in and grab some chow and Jim went to the Ops shack to wait for LJ to get back. He came in the door, shaking water out of his hair and Ortiz grinned at him.

‘Hours?’ he asked as Jim handed him the flight report Callaghan had given and which had been stowed inside his shirt to try and avoid getting wet, although it was still somewhat damp.

‘Christ knows.’ he replied. ‘Put me down for four.’ 

‘Like hell.’ Ortiz said. ‘I reckon you’re on about double. Pity we don’t get paid by the hour.’

‘That’s what I get for volunteering into this chickenshit outfit.’ Jim replied and Ortiz laughed at him.

‘Better in the bird and not need it than to be out there and need it.’ he said and Jim nodded.

‘Ain’t that the damned truth.’ he said, moving to stare out into the rain. ‘Flint come in yet?’

‘A couple of times.’ Ortiz replied. ‘He found out what caused the problem.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim didn’t turn around, just kept looking down where he could now just make out Susie at the far end.

‘Piece of shrapnel got in and jammed the fucker.’ Ortiz replied. ‘Whole thing seized.’

‘No shit.’ Jim didn’t have the same grasp of mechanics that Flint did, but he knew that they’d had a very lucky escape. The shrapnel could have taken out the gear box or the entire tail section. ‘Guess they’re gonna be out there a while.’

‘Yeah.’ Ortiz said. ‘That’s what it looks like.’ He was about to say something else when Jim caught the sound and looked out the window again.

‘81’s coming in.’ he said.

‘That’s their last run.’ Ortiz said. ‘The party still on for later?’

‘Yeah.’ Jim turned and grinned at him. ‘If we actually manage to stay awake. We were going to head to the USO.’ Ortiz pulled a face.

‘I’m keeping my Latino ass out of there.’ he said. ‘Ain’t going near that.’

‘I’m starting to think that’s a good idea, but the 91st is going and we’re picking them up from that.’ Jim said. ‘Only way Dem’s getting out.’

‘Shit.’ Ortiz said. ‘Well you can dress up and go be fancy, we’ll keep the beer safe.’

‘Did I hear the word beer?’ LJ asked as he came in, shedding water. ‘I don’t know about a chicken plate. I could use a goddamn life preserver out there.’ He looked at Jim. ‘You done?’

‘All good to go.’ Jim replied. He slapped Ortiz on the shoulder. ‘We’ll catch you later.’

‘See ya.’ Ortiz went back to his radio and they left, stopping to light their cigarettes under the overhang of the shack.

‘What a godawful day.’ LJ said. ‘You know where Benny is?’

‘Nope.’ Jim leaned back into the doorway. ‘Hey, Ortiz. You know where Benny got to?’

‘He went up to the 91st.’ Ortiz called back. ‘Said they were gonna let him do some observing, whatever the hell that means. Brady cleared it seeing as he wasn’t doing nothing.’

‘Hmm.’ LJ said. He stared into the rain. ‘Flint still working on Susie?’

‘Yeah. It’s just us.’ Jim pushed himself away from the doorway.

‘I’ll buy you dinner in that case.’ LJ said and Jim laughed. They ran from hooch to hooch trying to stay out of the rain and made the final dash to the mess hall. It was busy. There were three shifts for meals – breakfast, lunch and dinner - all served out of the field kitchen at the back of the building. The cooks there were a friendly bunch who knew their trade. There was a mess for each unit so this one was for Army only and they knew everyone who was in there as they joined the line for dinner. 68 was already there, and they waved for Jim and LJ to join them.

Dinner was not particularly inventive, but it was well cooked and tasty. Tonight was baked chicken, mashed potatoes and vegetables. The kitchen turned out fresh dinner rolls as well and there was ice cream for afterwards, all made on site. Jim had been a little amazed when he’d first arrived, especially after having spent two years on campus eating food that was put to shame by the fare the army dished up on a daily basis. It was also the reason for his exercise regime, after he’d discovered that sitting in a bird all day was not conducive to staying fit.

They sat down and grabbed the pitcher of apple juice from the middle of the table and then got down to the serious business of eating, joining in the conversation with 68. It wasn’t long before 81 came by as well and then it turned downright festive as they talked out the day. They were still a crew short, having only the five medevacs after the loss of 53. Tonight would be the turn of 79 and 41 to run the late shift. Normally there were three crews on call, with the fourth on standby which was basically being off. But with Susie out of commission until the morning and still one short, they would have to do.

‘So who’s heading over to the USO tonight?’ Kellerman asked.

‘Here.’ Jim raised his hand.

‘I think I’m gonna sit that one out.’ LJ said. They had all finished and were now smoking after dumping their paper plates and plastic cutlery.

‘I’ll go with you.’ Kellerman said to Jim. ‘There’s a couple of cute girls from the Red Cross who’re gonna be there.’ He grinned. ‘You can be my wingman, maybe pick up the other one.’ Jim smiled and said nothing, playing along as he always did. The other men in the mdevac unit knew nothing, pegging him as nothing but a sweet shy guy who didn’t have a lot of confidence with women which was why he never set out to score with them. Unfortunately it had the side effect of them often trying to set him up and he’d had to end an evening more than once fending off a USO girl who was taken with what a gentleman he was and had decided that this required a more direct approach. Still, it as useful in making every one think he was the same as the rest of him and Jim had taken precautions to make out with the occasional girl in front of them to maintain his cover.

Not tonight though. Tonight he would be with the only person he really wanted to be with.

‘Sure.’ he replied.

************

2000

‘Seven minutes to go.’ Dwight was champing at the bit, his fourth wind kicking in and nearly bouncing off the walls in anticipation of a chance to cut loose.

Ross looked up and smiled at him and then went back to watching Benny carefully suture a cut in the arm of the local that they were attending to. The man had cut himself with a farming implement and come in with a sizeable gash in his arm. Benny was concentrating, his tongue caught between his teeth as he wound the surgical thread and make another perfect stitch.

‘Good work.’ he said and Benny beamed. ‘I wasn’t so neat when I started.’ Dwight came over to look.

‘That’s really good.’ He gave Benny a thumbs up. ‘You can come and help out here anytime.’ Benny got done and tied off the last stitch and Kayleigh came over to take the man away to give him his antibiotics and send him on his way. Ross couldn’t help but note the look that passed between them. He grinned at Benny.

‘You should probably head off.’ he said. ‘Go get ready for your hot date.’

‘Yeah.’ Benny got up and stretched. ‘Thanks for letting me help out.’

‘No thanks necessary.’ Ross said. In truth he liked Benny a lot, liked his earnest enthusiasm for medicine and his commitment to what he did every day. He appreciated the way that Benny looked after the men who came into his care, especially considering his lack of training and tender age. ‘I think you may well have a vocation for medicine.’

‘It’s all I want to do, Doc.’ Benny replied. He grabbed his jacket and cap, and put them on. ‘I’ll see you later.’ Dwight and Ross walked him to the door and saw him off, then went back to do their last set of rounds and hand over to the next shift. They finally got done and headed back to the hooch. Caroline and Kayleigh went off to go and get ready. Demelza had two days off and so she had spent the day dolling herself up.

Ross went to hit the showers, and spent the first five minutes just standing under the water, letting it wash away the day. He was sweaty and his fingernails still had blood under them and he had to shut his eyes and just let it go. He hadn’t had a day like this since he’d arrived, such a relentless onslaught of casualty after casualty. Part of him was proud though, knowing that there were some men lying in recovery that had made it because of him. That was the good part, the part that meant he’d be back out of bed the day after next to do it all again. As for the other part, the part that wanted to cry at the men he hadn’t been able to save, and Ross pushed that to the back of his mind and thought about what he was going to do.

He’d made a decision.

Dwight was in the cubicle next to him, humming as he showered.

‘Hey.’ he said. ‘So what’s the deal tonight?’

‘The deal is that we go and then we leave.’ Ross replied. He grabbed his shampoo and dumped some in his palm and worked it in.

‘Is this…you know…something we should be doing?’ Dwight asked. ‘It sounds kind of against regs.’

‘It is against regs.’ Ross laughed. ‘Medevac don’t exactly work like the rest of us.’ He rinsed his hair. ‘If you’re worried sit it out.’

‘You know it’s kind of weird.’ Dwight said. ‘I never figured you for that kind of guy.’

‘What kind of guy?’ Ross asked, and he felt a flicker of unease.

‘Well, I mean you’re rich, educated and yet you choose to hang out with a group of guys that aren’t. Like me.’ Dwight said.

‘LJ’s a teacher, Dwight.’ Ross replied. ‘Jim’s done two years of college. You’re a goddam doctor for Christ’s sake.’

‘I guess.’ Dwight said. ‘But we’re not society.’

‘And I am?’ Ross said.

‘Yeah, you are.’ Dwight replied. ‘I mean, it’s a good thing, don’t get me wrong. But look at Warleggan.’

‘Jesus, do not compare me to Warleggan.’ Ross snorted. ‘Look, I hang out with the people I like.’

‘I’ll take that as a compliment then.’ Dwight said and Ross smiled.

‘You should.’ he replied.

They went back to the hooch together and got dressed. They were wearing their khakis, the uniform that was one step under dress, and the correct attire for an event like the one they were going to. He got dressed, clean underwear and white t-shirt, then the perfectly pressed shirt and pants, finished off with his dress shoes polished to a mirror shine by his own hand, much to Dwight’s amusement. He checked his insignia, the two silver bars on each shoulder, along with the name badge on his right pocket and the Medical Corps badge on his left – a brass Rod of Asclepius to show that he was an army doctor. The last was the two brass 91s on each lapel to show the hospital he was attached to. Dwight was running his comb through his hair.

‘Hey can I borrow some of that?’ he asked and nodded at the cologne Ross had gotten from Verity.

‘Sure.’ Ross replied, grinning. ‘You’re going in all guns blazing tonight?’

‘If I’m lucky, I might not make it home.’ Dwight said with a wicked smile. Ross handed it to him and then sprayed himself when Dwight was done. ‘Let’s hope Caroline doesn’t get us confused.’ Ross had to bite back laugh at the thought of Jim doing the same. He made sure he had everything - cigarettes, wallet and lighter – and then he was ready to go. The girls were waiting for them when they came out. Unlike the men, they had dispensation to go in civvies and Ross had to say that they all looked lovely. Demelza especially looked radiant in her bright emerald mini dress, setting off the vibrant copper of her hair that she’d painstakingly straightened, probably with an iron, and her jade earrings which had proven to be the envy of every other nurse on the base. Caroline had opted for powder blue, her thick blond hair tied up in a glossy ponytail. Kayleigh rounded them out, her dark eyes and hair a perfect foil to her purple dress.

They escorted them to the set off point, and found themselves in good company. A fair number of the 91st’s doctors and nurses were headed down to the USO and they piled into jeeps and caught a ride down. When they got there, they found the USO already crowded, marines and soldiers all piling in to spend a few hours in something that could they could pretend was home. There was a live band and they were already playing as they lined up and went in, their rank allowing them to bypass some of the line.

Inside the place was decorated with red and blue and white crepe paper, balloons in the same colours hung in nets from the ceiling to be cut loose at midnight. There were coloured lights and the music was loud and it felt for all the world like any number of the country club dances Ross had been to, and he felt a wave of homesickness that took him by surprise. Dwight had taken Caroline’s hand and was leading her towards the bar and Kayleigh was following them. Demelza took Ross’ arm.

‘So.’ she said, her eyes twinkling. ‘Are you going to be my escort until my errant beau gets here.’ Then she leaned in and whispered in his ear. ‘I see yours hasn’t turned up yet either.’ Ross jumped in fright but Demelza simply tightened her grip. ‘Relax, Ross. Your secret’s safe with me.’ Ross looked at her and saw nothing but understanding and honesty in her eyes and felt a rush of relief.

‘Did Flint tell you?’ he whispered back and she shook her head slightly.

‘He didn’t need to.’ she replied. ‘I kind of had it figured.’ She smiled at him and this time there was sympathy in her murmured words. ‘You hide it real well. No-one else has any idea.’

‘I guess I might need to explain myself.’ Ross said and she shook her head.

‘No.’ she replied. ‘Trust me I know who it feels. Now, I suggest we get a drink and dance the night away and forget the fact that our lives are this complicated.’ Ross smile back at her, feeling comforted by the fact that he didn’t have to pretend with her. He trusted Demelza in a way he didn’t trust the others. He let her take him over to the bar and bought them drinks. They found a table and sat and chatted to some of the other personnel until Demelza decided enough was enough and dragged him onto the dance floor with her. Ross protested, laughing but she was not to be dissuaded which was how he ended up facing the doorway when he saw him.

Jim was standing at the edge of the dance floor, looking into the crowd and Ross was able to just stare at him. He looked immaculate, every bright blond hair perfectly in place and the khaki uniform fitting his compact frame in a way that made Ross’ mouth go dry. Suddenly everything else around him seemed to fade out, the words of the song the band were currently singing the only thing left and he would have laughed at how apt they were if the whole damn thing hadn’t been so heartbreaking.

_Look at the way we gotta hide what we're doin'_  
_'Cause what would they say_  
_If they ever knew_  
_And so we're running just as fast as we can, holding on to one another hands_  
_Trying to get away into the night and then you put your arms around me_  
_And we tumble to the ground and then you say_

_I think we're alone now,_  
_There doesn't seem to be anyone around_  
_I think we're alone now,_  
_The beating of our hearts is the only sound_

As if by magic, Jim seemed to sense him and he turned and their eyes met. Ross was sure that he must be giving himself away as they looked at each other. He knew that he had never felt like this about anyone before, that even just looking at Jim was enough to take the breath right out of him. The only thing that made it any better was that Jim looked like the exact same thing was happening to him, his light eyes wide as he stared back at Ross. Thankfully at that moment Flint came out of the crowd behind him and put a hand on his shoulder and the spell was broken. Jim turned back around and then pointed in their direction and Ross reached for Demelza’s hand.

‘I think your beau’s arrived.’ He had to shout over the music and her entire face lit up as she turned to look for Flint. In that moment, Ross felt more jealous of her than he’d ever felt of another person. He could only wonder what it would be like to be able to look like that at Jim, his affections clear for everyone to see. Instead he stifled his nervousness and excitement and walked her over.

‘Hey.’ Flint’s black eyes were every bit as bright as Demelza’s when they got to them and she took his arm. ‘Damn, ain’t you just the foxiest lady in this place.’ Demelza laughed in delight and gave him a little curtsey.

‘Why thank you, kind sir.’ she said.

‘And thank you, Doc.’ Flint added. ‘I am very happy to know such a fine gentleman has been looking after my lovely lady.’

‘It was my pleasure.’ Ross replied, fighting to keep his eyes off Jim.

‘Yeah.’ Flint’s smile had a wicked edge to it. He put his arm around Demelza. ‘Come on, baby. Let’s go get a drink.’ They walked off, leaving him with Jim. Ross took in everything, noting little details like the glint of light off the silver bars with their two black enamel squares on Jim’s shoulders and the silver wings on his chest. He kept his focus there, knowing he couldn’t look up or he’d drown in those beautiful seawater eyes and never come back up again.

‘Fuck.’ Jim’s voice was pitched low. ‘I need a goddam drink.’ He turned, then looked back at Ross. ‘You comin’, Doc?’

‘Yeah.’ Ross replied and followed him.

************

2200

Two hours later and they were sitting next to each other, watching the other three couples slow dancing while they sat in silence, the music prohibiting any conversation at all, a fair few drinks down and smoking one cigarette after the other to keep their hands occupied. It was like torture, simply being that close to each other and not being able to do anything and Ross felt that sense of unhappiness again that he couldn’t just take Jim’s hand and go dance with him out there like everyone else. Instead he had to sit and pretend like his heart wasn’t pounding, that every time Jim shifted in his chair, every time he raised his cigarette to his lips drew Ross eyes like a magnet, that he would have given anything right then to be able to lean over and touch him. He watched how Jim inhaled, the flare of the ember lighting up his face in the dim light.

_Gazing at people, some hand in hand_  
_Just what I'm going through they can't understand_  
_Some try to tell me, thoughts they cannot defend_  
_Just what you want to be, you will be in the end_

_And I love you_  
_Yes I love you_  
_Oh how I love you_  
_Oh how I love you_

Jim looked over at him and their eyes locked. Ross broke away first, the feelings inside him too much and too strong to reconcile. Jim did the same after a moment and they stayed that way. Ross was finding it hard to breathe, hard to even think at that point and when Benny and Kayleigh came bouncing over hand in hand part of him was relieved that he didn’t have to sit there in silence anymore. Thankfully Benny was still overexcited from his experience at the R & E and he yelled over the music at them and Ross watched as Jim relaxed bit by bit until they were all laughing again. At eleven, Flint and Demelza finally came off the dance floor and motions were made to indicate that it was time to leave. Ross realised that Jim had barely said anything to him in the last three hours and that he was equally guilty of doing the same.

The rain had stopped when they came out and started heading for the airfield. Jim and Flint led them through a back section of the buildings, completely unlit. In the darkness Ross could have sworn that Jim’s hand had brushed his once or twice and then they were out on the other side. From there it was a quick walk to the hooches and the rest of the evening. They came through the buildings and Ross noticed that most were in darkness and quiet. It was in sharp contrast to the last time he’d come down and he asked Jim about it.

‘There’s another party down at the 164.’ Jim said. ‘They’ve got a band in and everything so almost everyone not on watch has gone down there.’ They were at the back of the little crowd. ‘Tonight’s gonna be a lot quieter, just the medevac and some of your guys.’

They passed the medevac crew hooches, each one with the bird number painted over the door then went through the next couple of buildings to the empty one that Ross now knew was their unofficial unit club. There had been some refurbishments since the send off, and now there were strings of coloured lights under the evens over the door and someone had made a sign proclaiming it the ‘Dead Men Flying Club’.

‘That’s kind of morbid.’ he said and Jim gave him a crooked smile. As they approached, LJ threw open the door. He was in neatly pressed khakis with a shiny purple party hat on his head and a kazoo stuck in his mouth. There were already streamers on his shoulders so it looked like the party was in full swing. The music blaring out from behind was motown and there were couples dancing together behind him. There were more paper lanterns and the whole place seemed a lot less like the overheated den he’d experienced before.

‘You’re just in time.’ he said, grinning at them. ‘Callaghan’s about to show us some authentic Irish dancing.’

‘Didn’t he go through the floor last time he did that?’ Flint asked. ‘Isn’t that the whole reason we had to open a new goddamn club?’ LJ laughed and ushered them in. Inside it was extremely festive with party hats and streamers seemingly in fashion.

‘Where the hell did you get all this?’ Dwight asked.

‘We may have liberated it from the USO.’ LJ replied. ‘And by we I mean Kellerman, Clayton and Reynolds.’ The three were engaged in a loud and very cheerful conversation at the bar, which Ross saw was now draped in what were no doubt pilfered tablecloths and set up in an extremely professional manner. The soldier behind it, who’d been introduced as the unit radioman Ortiz, even had a cocktail shaker and was in the process of making martinis complete with olives. He grinned as they came over.

‘What’ll it be, folks?’ he asked, then nodded at Ross. ‘The donation was gratefully received, Captain.’ Ross had sent it down earlier with Clayton. He was also in khakis and that was when Ross realised that in fact everyone was dressed up and looking turned out. There were also quiet a few women present, both American and Vietnamese. It was quite normal for soldiers on the base to have girlfriends from the surrounding villages and the few that were there were dressed for an evening out in heels and brightly coloured silk dresses. The American women weren’t any he recognised but Demelza and Caroline seemed to know them and explained that they were nurses from the Americal Division Surgical hospital. One in particular, a pretty short brunette seemed to be very happy to see Jim and came over almost immediately.

‘Shit.’ Jim muttered as she approached. He looked at Ross and pulled him back a little. ‘Whatever happens next, don’t freak out.’ Then he put on a brilliant smile and went to intercept her. Ross was completely taken aback as the nurse reached him and Jim seemed to be making all the right noises because her smile turned smitten and they ended up moving to the side to talk.

‘Hey Doc?’ LJ was standing at the bar and he waved Ross over. ‘What are you having?’

‘What have you got?’ he asked, eyes still on where Jim was now laughing with the nurse, one arm around her waist. He was struck by a sickening feeling in his stomach, almost nauseous as he realised that he was feeling jealous.

‘What haven’t we got?’ Ortiz replied.

‘Bourbon.’ LJ said. ‘Two of ‘em, straight up.’ Ortiz nodded and poured them out and Ross got a nudge in the arm. He accepted the drink and LJ nodded towards the door.

‘Come on.’ he said. ‘Let’s go get some air.’

Ross followed him out the hooch. Demelza and Flint were already dancing, while Caroline and Dwight had been pulled into conversation with Benny and Kayleigh and they were all sitting at the back. Jim was too occupied to even notice he was leaving and the jealousy turned to anger. They got outside and LJ lit a cigarette.

‘Don’t take it heart, Doc.’ he said, exhaling into the darkness. ‘She’s been around a lot longer than you have.’

‘Are they…’ Ross couldn’t even bring himself to say the words.

‘He doesn’t fuck her if that’s what you’re asking.’ Ross said. ‘But he’s gotta look like he’s taking an interest, you know what I mean?’ He sighed. ‘He told me you’re engaged. It’s a good cover, but he doesn’t have the luxury of a fiancée so he plays along. Shelly’s a nice kid, and he treats her like a gentleman, dances with her and maybe kisses her good night but that’s as far as it goes. She’s a Baptist so that suits her just fine.’ He leaned back against the side of the hooch. ‘The other guys in the unit think he’s on the level and there’s no questions asked.’ His voice and face were sympathetic. ‘She’ll go back to the other side once New Year comes and goes and then you’ll have him to yourself.’ He looked at Ross. ‘Although I do have to ask what your fiancée would make of all of this.’ Ross snorted.

‘She probably wouldn’t care.’ he replied. ‘Elizabeth’s in it for the name.’

‘That’s too bad.’ LJ said. ‘Angie and me, we fell in love over a stack of term papers.’ He smiled and Ross felt envious of how much he obviously loved her. ‘It’s shitty you have to hide who you are. I tell him that all the damn time, but he’s so used to it by now I don’t think he knows any other way.’

‘He’s at least tried it.’ Ross couldn’t stop the bitterness from leaking out. ‘I’ve never even told anyone about it before now.’ He looked at LJ. ‘I don’t have no idea why I’m telling you.’

‘Because everyone needs a confessor, Ross.’ LJ relied. ‘And I’m a teacher. My listening skills are pretty damn good.’

‘I hate it.’ Ross was suddenly vehement, years of anger and repression coming out, although he still took care to keep his voice down. ‘I hate all of it. If I could change it, I would.’

‘I know.’ LJ said. ‘There’s a lot of shit we all live with that we can’t change.’ He inhaled deeply. ‘Like Flint and Dem. They’ve got a rocky road ahead of them if they ever get married.’

‘I sometimes wonder if it’s worth it.’ Ross replied. ‘I asked her to marry me because I’d pretty much decided that I wasn’t going to be like this, that I wasn’t going to…’ He caught himself before he said the words but he could see that LJ knew what he wanted to say.

‘Love is something you grab and hold onto.’ he said. ‘Hell, he could go out on a run two days from now and we could all get shot out the goddamn sky.’ He sighed. ‘Maybe you should tell him that thing you won’t say. It might be the only chance you get.’ He patted Ross on the shoulder. ‘Just a thought.’

They went back in and Ross saw that Jim and Shelly were now dancing, although it was chaste and had nothing like the heat that had burned between them that first night, for all that she was pressed up against him with her arms linked around his neck. That made him feel a little better and he went back to being sociable. Dwight and Caroline were practically glued to each other and Benny and Kayleigh had retired to a shadowy back corner to make out and the soldiers that had dates were dancing with them which meant he ended up around a table with Callaghan and Kellerman and Clayton, talking about the shit they’d seen and the missions they’d flown. Ross sat and drank and listened and smoked and grew increasingly impressed at the cool way the medevac guys described hairy missions and LZs so hot the bullets zinged past their ears and shattered the bird’s windows. He did notice Flint and Demelza slip out and smiled into his drink at the thought that at least someone was having a good time.

The music changed, and Dwight and Caroline got up to join the dancers and Jim stayed out. Ross was about to get up and go out for some air when one of the other nurses came over and asked him to dance and he decided to throw it all in. He got up and led her into the group of dancers and she got close to him, her sweet perfume cloying in his nose after the clean smell of whatever Jim had been wearing. He led on automatic, taking care not to step on her toes, something he usually did with Elizabeth. The song was slow, the singer’s voice lilting and sweet and the words cut right through him. He looked over the nurse’s shoulder and that was when Jim looked up and their eyes locked.

_Maybe the sun's light will be dim_  
_And it won't matter anyhow_  
_If morning's echo says we've sinned_  
_It was what I wanted now_  
_And if we're victims of the night_  
_I won't be blinded by the light_

_Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)_  
_Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby_  
_Just call me angel of the morning, (angel)_  
_Then slowly turn away_  
_I won't beg you to stay with me_

Even in the dim light Jim’s eyes were haunting. Ross could see what he felt reflected there all too clearly and he didn’t look away. Jim didn’t either and it was enough to make Ross’ heart ache with a need that he’d denied himself for so long that its intensity now almost left him breathless. They stayed that way until the end of the song and Ross decided that he was going to intervene and to hell with the consequences. Then the door opened and Flint and Demelza came back in and Flint out his fingers to his lips and whistled. The piercing noise got everyone’s attention and the hooch fell quiet as someone went to take the record off.

‘Ladies and gentlemen.’ Flint said with the air of making a grand announcement. ‘Something momentous happened upon this day.’ There were cheers and smatterings of applause from the other medevac crew. ’51 got her ass damn near shot off today, and I believe that is the seventh time we have had to get ourselves of what could only be described as a FUBAR deal.’ The others made noises of assent. ‘So in honour of this fine day when we did not end up with asses in a bag, I have followed the old tradition and so it is with great pleasure that I would like to present my crew, the finest set of crazy bastards I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, with these.’ At that he held up something in his clenched fist and the soldiers around them started cheering in earnest. Ross looked at Jim and saw he was smiling. ‘So get your asses up here boys and come and get your bracelets.’

‘Fuck.’ LJ was at the front. ‘I thought we said we weren’t gonna do that.’

‘No.’ Flint replied. ‘Your superstitious ass said we weren’t gonna do it. But I say fuck that. I say fuck the goddamn fates in the ass.’ He held out his hand to LJ. ‘And let me say that you are the best goddamn Air Chief we could ask for. You’re our mentor, our father and our teacher.’

‘Hear hear.’ Callaghan said from the back. ‘Take the goddam bracelet, Silver.’

‘Shit.’ LJ took the link of silver chain from Flint’s hand and then pulled him into a rough hug. Then they turned. ‘Boys, get your damn asses over here.’ Ross watched as Jim and Benny went over and the same thing happened, Flint handing them each a bracelet. They looked like nothing special, simple silver links that they put on their right wrists, snapping the catches closed, to applause from everyone else in there. Confused, he turned to Kellerman who was now standing next to him.

‘What are those?’ he asked.

‘Huey bracelets.’ Kellerman said. ‘Flint made ‘em up this afternoon after he’d fixed Susie. They’re made from her busted tail chain. It’s tradition round these parts, when you get shot down or you have a tail rotor failure like they did today. It’s a badge of honour. What happened could have killed them and this is how we show our respect.’ The music had started up again, and Ross turned back to see them all standing and obviously thanking Flint. He hadn’t realised how serious the situation had been and it hit him all at once that if it had been worse, if something had happened that he would never have been told. He went over, oblivious of everything now except that he had to get to Jim, had to do something. He got to them and Jim turned and his face when he saw Ross told him everything he needed to know. LJ spotted this and then made a show of patting his pockets.

‘Looks like I’m out of smokes.’ he said. ‘I got some in my foot locker.’ He looked at Jim. ‘Hawk, I do believe it’s your turn.’ Jim got that wry smile of his.

‘Yeah, I think it is.’ he said. He looked at Ross. ‘You wanna go for a walk, Doc.’

‘After you.’ Ross said.

They left the hooch, staying well away from each other until they hit the shadows and then Ross gave into his feelings. He wheeled around and grabbed Jim by the front of his shirt, slamming him up against the wall of the hooch they were behind. Jim’s gasp of surprise didn’t deter him as Ross got in close.

‘A busted tail rotor?’ he hissed. ‘You could have fucking died?’

‘It happens, Doc.’ Jim’s eyes glittered in the darkness. ‘But we didn’t.’ He made no move to push Ross away and Ross could feel how fast he was breathing. ‘But can I suggest that we get inside the hooch before you jump me.’ That jolted Ross back into himself and he stepped back and let Jim go. His eyes fell on the bracelet.

‘Flint said this was the seventh time.’ he said, and it tore him up inside. He looked up at Jim. ‘How the fuck do you do it?’

‘You stop being scared after a while.’ Jim replied. ‘You stop caring.’ He stepped past Ross. ‘Come on, let’s get moving.’

They walked back to Jim’s hooch, and he led Ross up the stairs. The hooch was dark inside, no light coming in through the open eaves and Ross stumbled as he came in behind him. He felt Jim’s hands on him, steadying him and then it was like a dam breaking. He reached out blindly, felt Jim’s hand on his chest and then the wall was at his back and Jim’s mouth was on his, desperate and wanting.

Ross kissed back with everything he had, pouring all his feelings into it as he pushed Jim’s mouth open with his tongue, going on the offensive as he reached around Jim’s waist and pulled him in. Jim steadied himself, hands on Ross’ hips as he opened his mouth to him and for a few moments it was all teeth and tongues and heat until Ross felt like his head was spinning. He felt Jim’s hands tugging at his shirt and then sliding underneath over his bare skin and it burned all the way through him. He reached up with one hand, sliding his fingers through Jim’s shirt hair, holding him in place as he mapped out his mouth and Jim responded, moaning softly when Ross tightened his fingers in his hair. They broke apart, breathing heavily. The sound was loud in the quiet of the hooch and Ross couldn’t see anything, only feel as Jim rested his forehead against his cheek, battling to control himself just like Ross was.

‘I don’t think I can do this.’ Ross muttered into his hair, breathing him in so deeply that he felt like Jim’s smell was being imprinted on him. ‘I don’t think I can let you go, but this will kill me if anything happens to you.’

‘Just shut up, Doc.’ Jim replied and then his hands were back, cupping Ross’ face. ‘Just shut the fuck up and kiss me.’ Ross inhaled sharply and met him head on, the kiss so forceful their teeth clicked and they ended up almost falling over. Jim was pressed up against him and Ross wrapped both arms around him, pushing them away from the wall. Jim went backwards, and they walked until they hit one of the spare bunks and toppled over, tangling themselves in each other like they’d been in Susie. Jim hooked his legs around Ross’ hips and pulled him down so tightly that Ross felt like he was never going to escape. They kissed like that for what felt like forever and he was getting harder by the second, then Jim rolled them so they were on their sides and Ross had to break away when he felt Jim’s hand slide down his chest and stomach and then it was on his cock and the touch went right through him.

‘Jim…’ he couldn’t get anything else out and then Jim tipped him over onto his back and crawled on top of him, his mouth at Ross’ ear and his voice a soft purr.

‘There’s so many things I want to do.’ he breathed and Ross bit back a whine. ‘I want to get on my knees for you, suck your cock, let you fuck me in the ass.’ He licked at the side of Ross’ neck. ‘I want to drive you crazy till all you can do is scream.’

Ross could hardly breathe. His heart was beating so hard all he could hear was Jim’s panting and the blood pounding in his ears. He pulled him back in, mouths colliding wet and messy and Jim rocked his hips once and the friction bought Ross so close to the edge that he had to push Jim away before he did something stupid like come in his pants.

‘What’s wrong?’ Jim sounded like he’d run a mile with a full pack.

‘Nothing.’ Ross held himself in check as best he could. ‘I just can’t stop right now.’

‘Do you want to stop?’ Jim now sounded concerned. ‘We can if this is too fast.’

‘No.’ Ross was fighting embarrassment. ‘I’m just really really…’ He fought for a suitable word.

‘Close?’ Jim sat up and that was no help at all because all his weight was now on Ross’ cock. ‘Fuck, you’re hard.’

‘That’s kind of the problem.’ Ross gritted out and then Jim did the damndest thing. He laughed, and it confused the hell out of Ross until Jim grabbed his hand. For a second Ross didn’t know what he was going to do with it and then his whole face heated up as he realised that Jim had just put it on his own cock.

‘You feel that?’ he asked. ‘That’s what you fucking do to me, Doc.’ He shifted and the way he moved sent heat surging through Ross’ entire body. Then he got off and Ross didn’t know whether he felt relieved or horribly disappointed. ‘Sit up.’

‘Why?’ he asked and Jim laughed again, but this time it was that low sexy laugh, that moonlit night laugh that had haunted Ross’ dreams ever since.

‘Just do it.’ he said and Ross managed to get himself into a sitting position, balanced on the edge of the cot.

‘Now what?’ he huffed and then he felt Jim get down on his knees in front of him and that just about short-circuited his brain. Jim’s hands were on his belt and Ross felt like he should stop him, like he should get him up off the floor but then Jim unzipped his pants and he couldn’t have stopped him even if he wanted to, want taking over and making him lean back on his hands as Jim worked his briefs down and then he felt the warmth of Jim’s hands on him as he pulled him out. It was overwhelming, Jim’s hands rough but at the same time so gentle it brought Ross close to tears with the way it made him react, his emotions veering out of control. He gasped and Jim looked up, the movement of his head just visible.

‘Are you okay?’ he asked, concern colouring his voice. ‘I can stop.’

‘Don’t stop.’ Ross could hear how choked up he sounded. He wanted to grab Jim, to hold him and confess everything he felt, tell him that he’d never been in love but that he was pretty sure that was the way he was headed now. ‘Don’t ever stop.’ He felt Jim freeze and then his hand was on Ross’ face, fingers drifting across his mouth and he leaned up and kissed Ross, soft as air.

‘I’ll take real good care of you, baby.’ he whispered and then he was gone and Ross felt the first touch of his mouth and it was nothing but ecstasy as he felt Jim’s tongue trace up the underside of his cock to the head, licking as softly as a cat until Ross wanted to scream. He let his head fall back, the velvety warmth of Jim’s mouth taking him in and away to another plane where there was nothing but heat and light and the incredible sensation of pleasure so pure that it knocked the air right out of him. Ross had never had this, never wanted this but now he was lost in it. He reached out like he was drowning, one hand on Jim’s head, and Jim moaned around his cock, the vibration going though Ross all the way up to his throat as he arched up into Jim’s mouth, his orgasm coming in like a bolt from the blue as Jim worked his tongue against him once more, flicking against the head and then swallowing hard as Ross came, biting back the sound that threatened.

Jim didn’t let up, not until Ross was done and he fell back on the bed, chest heaving and sweat running down his neck, knocked out with everything a blur as he tried to get back some semblance of consciousness. He felt Jim lie down next to him and half turned so they were facing each other. He felt Jim move so he was propped up on one elbow.

‘Fuck, Doc.’ His voice was light and happy. ‘Now that was a goddamn spectacular reaction.’ He leaned in and kissed him and Ross could taste the acrid bitterness on Jim’s tongue, his taste he realised. It was slow, Jim taking his time as he ran the backs of his fingers along Ross’ cheekbone. Ross relaxed into it, and then stopped as he heard the distant sound of cheering and then singing coming from the people around them, in hooches and down on the airfield, the sound carrying through the night air. Jim huffed softly and kissed him again.

‘Happy New Year, Doc.’ he said and Ross pulled him back in, smiling against Jim’s mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from:
> 
> I Think We're Alone Now by Tommy James and the Shondells  
> Nights In White Satin by the Moody Blues  
> Angel Of The Morning by Merrilee Rush
> 
> The Huey Bracelets are a real thing. A lot of the action in this chapter was inspired by recollections from this doc. Watch it if you can, it's quite eye opening.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rR7joMCPkt4


	8. House of the Rising Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ross gets a letter from home.

Ross woke up by clockwork now at 6am regardless of whether he was on early rotation or not. He looked over to see Dwight asleep next to him, snoring lightly as he lay sprawled on his back. He’d spent the greater part of his evening in Caroline’s hooch and was now sleeping it off. Ross was expecting a wedding announcement any day the way the two of them were going. Not that he had room to talk. New Year’s Eve had been the start of something, something he had no idea how to classify or understand but that he was very grateful for. It had been a month, a month in which barriers had fallen in spite of the fact that they were yet to have a repeat of what had happened that night. Their interactions had been limited by time and logistics and the few stolen kisses had been all the more precious for it.

Today though, Ross had three things on his side. Firstly he had the whole day off. Secondly, Dwight was in the R & E for the night shift. Thirdly, there was a certain helicopter pilot who was going to be coming up to see him once his feet hit the ground. That meant that Ross had actually been able to plan ahead and while going to the Officer’s club for a few beers and then sneaking back to take advantage of a very empty hooch would not seem to be anyone’s idea of a great night, to Ross is sounded beyond perfect. It wasn’t even the fact that he and Jim would have space and time to take out some of their frustrations on each other (and the dreams Ross had had since New Year’s Eve had been filled with blue-green eyes and a sinful mouth that drove him to wake up hard and having to hide his arousal), but the idea of being in each other’s company without anyone else around and the luxury of being able to kiss Jim without the fear of being interrupted. He was even looking forward to just being able to talk, to ask Jim things that other people took for granted, things like when his birthday was and what he liked to do for fun, what he’d studied at college. He knew so little about him and found that now he wanted to know everything. There had been no time for them at all. January had been rough, and their overlapping shifts and constant runs the medevacs had been on had meant being tired and busy and unable to really get together apart from a few nights in their respective clubs which was when the surreptitious kissing had occurred.

‘God is it morning already?’ Dwight groaned. Like Ross he had worked the day shift the day before and then made the mistake of going to the club after their shift. They had both gotten a lot drunker than they should have and ended up sitting and making grandiose plans to open a practice together when they got out of the army. Caroline had been with them and Ross had eventually excused himself when the meaningful looks had gotten too much, wandering out to sit on the deck in the moonlight and stare at the sea while he thought of what they were probably doing in Caroline’s hooch and what he in turn might do the following night. He’d given the invitation the day before when Jim had landed on his final run of the day with a bird full of minor injuries, dog tired and crabby from a non-stop rotation that had seen him flying for nine hours straight. Ross had leaned in his window, a gesture that was now second nature, and taken in the stormy sea-eyes and the downturned mouth, dimples nowhere in sight. LJ had made a joke about how Jim was like a bear with a sore head and Ross had attempted a witty comeback about Jim coming to hibernate in his cave with him the following evening and that had just sounded so dirty it had made him blush to the roots of his hair and that had made the dimples flicker.

‘You dumbass.’ Jim had replied.

‘Now, let the Doc speak.’ LJ had said, grinning broadly. ‘He’s clearly trying to ask your ornery ass out, but you’re so goddamn grouchy today he might as well be talking to the wall.’

That had mollified Jim somewhat and he’d accepted the invitation. Ross found it quite touching the way LJ had stepped in as his unofficial champion but apparently he’d done something on New Year’s Eve that had made Jim change a little, becoming less distant and more open like he used to be when he’d first started at the 54th. LJ had confided this over a couple of drinks when Ross had gone down to go visit Jim and found that he’d volunteered himself in for a night flight that needed a pilot more experienced than their new crew, a young group just out of training and sent over direct from the States. The new bird was a replacement from up country, Fifty-Six. She’d been christened Sugar Baby, a name that had bought a lot of good natured ribbing and affectionate talk of new guys and cherries.

That had been an interesting conversation. Ross liked LJ and this had been cemented by that particularly conversation and he’d come away knowing a lot more about him that he knew about the man who’d gone down on him only a week before. He now knew about Angie, how her and LJ had met as student teachers at the same school. He knew about their courtship over desks and lunch tables and on long walks home together. He had seen pictures of her and LJ’s two boys, Lester and Richard, and the ugly bull terrier they had found dumped in a storm drain and bought into their home. He knew about LJ’s students, kids at a school in Detroit that had few opportunities other than the car factories or the unemployment line. It had been eye-opening, making Ross realise just how privileged he was.

There had been other stories as well, stories of a big-eyed boy who’d arrived in Vietnam with a cocky attitude and the uncanny ability to fly a bird like he’d been born with a cyclic in his hand, and Ross had eaten these ones up. He no longer bothered to hide how he felt from LJ, hanging on his every word as LJ told him about their missions and many other things about drunken nights and getting into trouble.

His reverie was interrupted by Dwight sitting up and stretching. He had a sleepy self-satisfied look to him and Ross chuckled.

‘Good night?’ he asked and Dwight smiled.

‘A gentleman never tells.’ he replied. He got up and wandered over to the small table they’d commandeered and taking his cigarettes from where he’d dropped them. They had made some alterations to their living space, and now had a small fridge and a couple of club chairs to sit in while they smoked and drank after a shift, along with a transistor radio that stood on a shelf that Dwight had put up above the table. The hooch was kept clean by one of the mama-sans that worked the base, and she took in their laundry as well. Ross still insisted on doing his own boots but Dwight outsourced those as well.

‘You still going down to the village today?’ Ross asked, also sitting up and scratching at his chest. He’d gotten used to sleeping in only his skivvies, and now was more than comfortable walking around shirtless in their shared space. Dwight had even less modesty, often sleeping naked, and Ross was used to waking up with an eyeful in his line of sight. He’d always though this might bother him but his feelings for Dwight were in the distinctly brotherly category.

‘Yeah.’ Dwight lit his cigarette. ‘You and Dem still going down to the beach?’

‘Uh-huh.’ Ross said. He stood and went to grab his wash kit and towel, slipping his flip flops on his feet, another acquisition that he’d never expected to actually have. They made a lot of sense though, in a climate that actively encouraged fungal growth and rained without provocation or warning. He left Dwight now slumped in a chair, still struggling to function on almost zero sleep. He’d come stumbling in some time around five and then collapsed in a happy heap on his bed.

Ross got to the showers and took his time, not having anywhere to go. He and Demelza were going down to the beach to sunbathe and maybe swim a little. They had become close, and he enjoyed her company enormously. It was good, having someone else that he could confide in and she was a sympathetic listener. In return he could do the same for her, understanding her fears for Flint and how she worried when he was out on 51. He felt the same way about Jim and at least now he had someone to tell about it. He stood under the water, thinking about the coming evening and feeling the butterflies in his stomach take off and start circling in happy spirals. He had the evening all planned. They’d head to the club, then back to the hooch were he planned to seduce the hell out Jim and get him into his bed by each and every trick he could pull off.

That was the plan at least.

He was also horribly aware that he knew no tricks. Not a damn one. New Year’s Eve had been him getting blown and then before he’d had any chance at reciprocation someone had run past the hooch yelling his head off and it had spooked them both so badly that they had jumped right off the bed, straightened themselves up and headed back to the party like nothing had happened. They’d spent the rest of the night pussyfooting around each other and the few times they’d made out since then had done nothing but drive Ross into a frenzy of frustration.

He came back to the hooch to find Dwight reading a litter from home as he sat in the same chair he’d been in when Ross had left.

‘Mail came.’ he said and waved a hand at Ross’ bed. There were two envelopes lying on his bedcovers and Ross went to pick them up. The first was obviously from Verity. She was the only member of his family that actually did write with any regularity, his parents far too busy to actually put pen to paper to see if he was still alive. The second one gave him pause though. The stock was thick and luxurious, Tiffany paper, and Ross knew instantly who it was from even without seeing the elegant script on the front. Elizabeth had always had beautiful penmanship. It was the first time since he’d shipped out that she’d written to him, and Ross felt a growing sense of unease.

A knock on the door frame made him turn around and he saw Demelza standing there. She was in her fatigues, all ready to go down and lie on the sand and spend the day self-basting and turning in spite of the fact that her pale skin didn’t take the sun very well and she was now a mass of freckles, which Ross secretly thought made her look cute as hell but which she lamented.

‘You’re not even dressed yet.’ she said and Ross picked up the two letters and took them to the locker, putting them on the upper shelf while he grabbed his own clothes.

‘Five minutes.’ he said and she pulled a face at him and walked off. Ross dressed quickly and grabbed his swimming trunks, towel and sunglasses. He glanced at the letters and then stuffed them in his pocket.

‘See you tomorrow.’ Dwight said cheerfully and Ross gave him a smile and went off to go and catch up with Demelza. He found her talking to another nurse at the corner of the hooch and they went off to get breakfast before going down to the beach. She had a string bag with her, containing all her beach gear, and dumped it on the table while they went to get their food. Ross did not miss the fact that Warleggan was sitting a couple of tables down from them and he was now whispering to the nurse next him. She looked in their direction and then made a very disapproving face.

‘Jesus.’ Demelza’s voice was scornful. ‘You’d think they’d have better things to talk about.’

‘What do you mean?’ Ross asked, glaring back at the pair. He noticed that Warleggan was now avoiding looking at him.

‘You haven’t heard?’ Demelza asked, scraping her bowl clean of oatmeal. ‘We’re the latest thing.’

‘What?’ Ross looked at her and she grinned.

‘Yeah. Forget that I am practically engaged, the mere fact that we enjoy each other’s company is apparently a sign that we must be sleeping together.’ She snorted. ‘Just goes to show that no-one is even the slightest bit aware of what’s really going on.’ Ross sat back and watched her finish her tea.

‘Seriously?’ he asked. ‘You and me?’

‘I’d make the perfect cover if I wasn’t already spoken for.’ Demelza said with a sour look on her face. ‘But then a lot of people are not very complimentary about the fact that I’m with Flint.’ She reached over and stole the last piece of bacon from his plate, cheerfully ignoring his look of outrage. ‘It really burns me.’

‘I know.’ Ross replied. He sighed. ‘You know, if I didn’t have you to talk to I probably would have gone nuts by now.’

‘Yeah.’ Demelza smiled at him. ‘I know what you mean.’

They left the mess hall and Demelza defiantly linked her arm though his.

‘Fuck what they say.’ she snorted with a toss of her head. ‘Bunch of jealous cats.’

They took the back pathway down the bluff and onto the beach. It was empty down the hospital side and Ross held up Demelza’s beach towel and averted his eyes while she changed into her bikini and then laid it down for her while he stripped off his shirt and sat on his own towel, tugging off his boots and socks and contemplating whether he wanted to swim or not. He rolled up his pants and then leaned back, putting his sunglasses on and squinting at Demelza, who was now flat out on her back. She had her own sunglasses on and was basking happily in the sunshine.

‘I would.’ he said. ‘If I was…you know.’ Demelza raised herself on one elbow and peered over her sunglasses at him. She smiled.

‘I would too if I wasn’t already spoken for.’ she replied. ‘Wrong place, wrong time.’

‘Tell me about it.’ Ross sighed and looked out at the sea. ‘Jim’s coming up to see me tonight.’

‘Really?’ Ross could hear the smile in Demelza’s voice. ‘That should be interesting. Isn’t Dwight on night shift?’

‘Yeah, he is.’ Ross scooped up a handful of sand and let it trickle through his fingers.

‘Lucky you then.’ Demelza said, sounding like she was holding back a wicked laugh. ‘Maybe you two can finally get to second base.’

‘How do you know that we’ve even got to first?’ Ross asked and then connected the dots. ‘Flint told you.’

‘About catching you and Jim making out in the back of the bird?’ Demelza did chuckle now. ‘Yes, he did.’ Ross huffed and started digging in the sand with his feet. Demelza said nothing, lying back down. Ross glanced at her and then at the empty beach around them. Now was probably as good a time as any.

‘Dem?’ he said and she made an enquiring noise. ‘You and Flint have…you know…’

‘Had sex?’ she asked, her voice amused. ‘Sure.’ She snickered. ‘You need instructions?’

‘Shit.’ Ross looked away, aware now that his whole face was probably red. ‘This is ridiculous.’

‘Look.’ Demelza sat up. ‘I don’t pretend to have all the answers but this is the age of sexual liberation. I know a few things so if you want to ask me something, than ask.’ She smiled at him and it was full of reassurance. ‘I’ll tell you what I can.’

‘Okay.’ Ross wanted to disappear into the sand, he was so embarrassed. ‘Christ, I’m a fucking doctor. This shouldn’t this hard to figure out.’

‘It’s not.’ Demelza said. ‘The mechanics are pretty much the same, I would imagine.’ Now the smile was out in full force and it was very definitely wicked. ‘I assume you know where to put it?’

‘Yes, I know where to put it.’ Ross retorted. ‘It’s the how that’s bugging me.’

‘Well, it’s not like being with a woman.’ Demelza said. ‘Have you got anything?’

‘Like what?’ Ross asked and she rolled her eyes at him.

‘Oh come on.’ she said. ‘You must have given a prostate exam, right?’

‘Yeah.’ Ross frowned. ‘I don’t see…’ Then something occurred to him. ‘Oh.’

‘Yeah, it’s pretty tight in there.’ Demelza said. ‘You’ll need something to help it go in.’ She waved at his groin in a vague manner as she said this and Ross felt the urge to go and drown himself. ‘You can get some KY from stores. It’s in with the gloves and disinfectant. Top shelf.’

‘Jesus.’ Ross stared at her. ‘I can’t just waltz in there and get it. What if someone catches me?’

‘You’re a doctor, Ross.’ Demelza laughed. ‘You go in the stores to get stuff all the time.’ Ross considered this, but while the logical part of his brain told him this was true and no-one would question his actions, the fearful part told him that everyone would know exactly what he intended to use it for. He felt like this was a test of just how much he wanted Jim, but then the words Jim had whispered in his ear with heat in his voice came back, and Ross knew that he’d probably do anything, risk any amount of humiliation, to be with him.

‘I’m going for a swim.’ he said and Demelza smiled.

‘You need to cool down?’ she asked and Ross narrowed his eyes at her and kicked sand over her feet in retaliation for being teased.

‘I need to think.’ he said and then looked at her again. ‘Something happened on New Year’s Eve.’

‘I guessed as much.’ Demelza replied. ‘You two were like cats on a hot tin roof all evening.’ She looked at him. ‘What did he do?’ Ross blushed, not able to bring himself to say the words, but then Demelza laughed. ‘You should see yourself right now. Okay, just give me a number. If he let you fuck him, one. If it was something else, two.’

‘The second one.’ Ross replied, turning his attention to the water. Demelza sat up again.

‘Okay, so hands or mouth?’ she asked. Ross buried his face in his hands, running them back and through his hair as he laughed in disbelief at the conversation they were having.

‘Fuck.’ he said. ‘Mouth.’

‘You or him?’ Demelza asked and then grinned. ‘Actually you don’t need to answer that. It was obviously him.’ She gave Ross a gentle shove. ‘And? How was it?’

‘Incredible.’ Ross replied. ‘I’ve never felt anything like that. Ever.’

‘It gets better.’ Demelza said. ‘Once you start figuring out what you like.’

‘That’s the thing.’ Ross said. ‘I’ve only done it with her. And that was only one time.’

‘So?’ Demelza replied. ‘Think of this as your education. You want to try things, yeah?’

‘Yeah.’ Ross relied. ‘But I have no idea where to start.’

‘So let him lead.’ Demelza replied. ‘And if something feels good you tell him and do it again. If it doesn’t, you tell him and you don’t.’ She leaned over and stroked his arm, where it was folded defensively, elbows balanced on his knees that Ross had drawn up. ‘Look, it’s just sex. Nothing to be scared of.’

‘That’s easy for you to say.’ Ross muttered into his arms. ‘You’re normal.’

‘And so are you.’ Demelza said. ‘Jesus, Ross. Just because you feel this way about another man, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It’s just the way you’re built.’ She shifted in closer and Ross relented and leaned his head on her shoulder. ‘If you want, I can teach you a few things, but obviously there are some limits to what I can help with.’

‘What kinds of things?’ Ross asked, curiosity now starting to scratch at him.

‘Well, I can teach you how to blow him for one.’ Demelza was laughing. ‘It requires a lot more skill than you’d think.’ Ross remembered the wet heat of Jim’s mouth and how much pleasure it had brought him.

‘Okay.’ he replied.

‘And I am presuming that you’ve jacked off before.’ Demelza said and Ross had to smile at her no-nonsense approach to everything.

‘You sound like you’re talking to a patient.’ he said and she kissed the top of his head.

‘I am.’ she replied. ‘Look, hands are easy. Just do what you do to yourself and he’ll let you know if he likes it any differently. But also ask him. Check that what you’re doing feels good and if it doesn’t, get him to tell you or show you what does.’ She shrugged. ‘And you already know where his prostate is so that’s a big thing out the way.’ This time Ross looked at her in bemusement.

‘Why would that be important?’ he asked and now she cackled.

‘Seriously?’ she asked. ‘What do they teach you at medical school?’

‘To check for normal structure and report any abnormalities.’ Ross huffed. He was starting to feel like he was being left out of some sort of cosmic joke.

‘Okay then.’ Demelza was smirking at him. ‘I tell you what, I’m going to let you discover that for yourself. Let’s just say that if you do it right, you’ll have Jim making so much noise the whole damn camp will hear him.’

‘Now that is not funny.’ Ross snapped when she dissolved in giggles at his shocked expression. The mere thought of sticking his fingers up there in order to make things feel good was so far beyond him, it was ridiculous. ‘How the hell does that even work?’

‘It’s called prostate massage.’ Demelza snickered. ‘And it works. I do it while I go down on Flint at the same time and he nearly blows my head off when he comes.’

‘Dem!’ Ross wanted to stick his fingers in his ears and pretend he hadn’t just heard what she’d said. ‘I don’t need to know this.’

‘Yes, you do.’ Demelza replied. ‘Believe me, you’ll thank me afterwards and so will he. You know there’s no shame in being prepared. In fact, it’s a very intelligent thing to do. The more you know, the better it will be for both of you. Now, I am going to teach you how to give him a blowjob that will make him want to marry you.’

By the time she was done, Ross was appalled and also dying from embarrassment, but he certainly had far more knowledge on the subject than he’d started with. Demelza at least used proper anatomical terminology and explained things in great detail, warning him of the dangers of too much tooth contact and the benefits of going slow.

‘Don’t take too much the first time.’ she said. ‘You’re not going to be able to take him all in and you’ll probably just choke yourself.’ Ross felt like he was in a lecture, and should have probably been taking notes. ‘And use your tongue. Tongues are good. Switch it up, some deep stuff and then some licking.’

‘Fuck.’ Ross couldn’t even look at her anymore. ‘I can’t do this.’

‘You say that now.’ Demelza chuckled. ‘But believe me, when he takes his clothes off and you look at him that first time, you’re going to want to do whatever he asks you too.’ She stretched and got up. ‘I think that swim sounds good about now. You coming?’

‘In a little while.’ Ross replied. He wanted to sit and mull things over for a bit. Demelza walked down to the water and waded in then set off in a leisurely breaststroke. Ross watched her and then let his mind wander. In truth, the things she had spoken about had made him horribly curious in spite of the shameful nature of the acts themselves. Not that she viewed them like that, and Ross had to wonder how she’d become so comfortable with talking about a subject that had never ever come up in the Poldark household, not even once. That reminded him of the letters he had in his pocket and Ross decided that he needed something to distract him a little, put him in a different mindset where he could then go back to his contemplation in a more reasonable frame of mind. He took the letters out and debated on which one to read first. Eventually he decided to bite the bullet and opened Elizabeth’s one. He started reading and then stopped as the words sunk in.

_Dear Ross,_

  
_I probably should have done this a lot sooner, but I was still so angry with you for making that decision and leaving me when I told you how I felt about what you were going to do. I never wanted that for us, never wanted the life you seem hell bent on making me live if I marry you. You being gone these last three months has made me realise that what we want is not and never has been the same. That is why I have decided that I won’t be marrying you. I have given your mother back the ring and you can do with it what you want. I should probably also tell you, although quite frankly why I don’t know, that Francis and I are now engaged. We will more than likely be married when you return from Vietnam. Decorum requires me to apologise to you for this, but I really don’t see why I should when I have done nothing wrong._

_I hope that you understand._

_Elizabeth._

Ross stared at the letter. He knew he should be upset, but all he felt was relief so strong that he was unable to even think for a few moments. He re-read the words just to check that he was correct in understanding what it said. Then he started smiling. He didn’t need to do anything, Elizabeth had done it all for him.

‘Good news?’ Ross looked up to see Demelza standing there, squeezing water out of her coppery curls, turned dark fox-red by the water.

‘Depends.’ he replied and held the letter out to her. Demelza sat down on her towel and wiped her hands on it, then took the letter. Her face was a picture of amazement when she looked up.

‘She just Dear Johned you.’ she said and Ross laughed.

‘I know.’ he said. ‘She’s marrying my cousin instead.’

‘Well, that’s a little incestuous.’ Demelza was frowning as she handed the letter back. ‘And a little sudden.’

‘Maybe not.’ Ross shrugged and put it back in the envelope. ‘I wasn’t exactly attentive.’ He picked up the other letter and grinned. ‘Maybe I should have started with this one.' It was as he expected, three pages of Verity going on a diatribe against her brother and soon to be sister-in-law. She was completely outraged on Ross’ behalf and he couldn’t help but love his feisty cousin who didn’t give a damn for propriety or social mores and who had put herself firmly in his corner from what Ross could tell. He decided to write to her as soon as he got back, to tell her it was all right. He couldn’t have Verity worried on his behalf, especially when there was nothing to worry about.

‘So what are you going to do?’ Demelza asked.

‘Nothing.’ Ross replied. ‘Nothing to do.’ Then he smiled, feeling like all the cares of the world had just been lifted from his shoulders. ‘Tell me about that tongue thing again.’

***********

Jim brought Susie down and landed her in the revetment. It was just after four and they had had a reasonable day. There had been some firefighting in the north provinces but nothing too hairy. He was still buzzing inside though, and it had nothing to do with what he’d spent the last eight hours doing.

He’d been so down the day before, lost in anger and frustration. They had been flying almost the entire rotation, not stopping to rest or eat or even have a cigarette, just picking up load after load of men. And while Benny had had nothing to serious to deal with, getting all his casualties off Susie alive and delivered into the R & E, it had been the non-stop nature of it that had had Jim lost in his own head and so fed up he wanted to scream.

Then that gorgeous smile had appeared in his window and Jim had realised that Ross was able to shake him out of the way he felt like no-one ever had, and before he even knew what was happening he had found himself smiling and agreeing to go up to see Ross the next evening.

It was such a colossally bad idea. Jim now knew why they called it falling in love. He felt like he was standing on the edge of a precipice and that one small thing would be enough – a smile, a soft murmured word, a flash of heat in those beautiful dark eyes – and he would topple over the edge and be lost forever. And he didn’t want that, didn’t want to be beholden to his heart and the fact that he needed someone. But at the same time, Jim felt something inside himself that wanted, that needed to be with Ross. He made the days go by quicker and made Jim smile with his combination of awkwardness and competence. Jim felt his heart speed up every time he saw the tall figure come out on the landing pad, breathed him in when they sat together on those few occasions they had managed to steal time to be around each other. He was in thrall to that deep braying laugh, the taste of cigarettes on Ross’ tongue, the way his breath hitched when Jim kissed him that had him turned upside down.

‘Good run.’ LJ said, writing up his report sheet. Jim came out of his thoughts and nodded then started the shut-down. Once Susie was off and the low whine of her engines was fading away, he unstrapped himself and got out, taking off his helmet and running his fingers through his sweaty hair. He fished his cigarettes out of his top pocket and his lighter from his pants then lit one and tucked them back in. Benny hopped out behind him, smile all over his face and Jim smiled in reply. It was a good day for the young medic, knowing that he hadn’t lost anyone and the beers would flow freely that night.

They headed in, Jim and LJ stopping off at the Ops shack to debrief Brady and Ortiz before the four of them went to go and get dinner. It was good that night, a really decent meal of ground beef chilli and rice with fruit salad and the ubiquitous vanilla ice cream afterwards. Jim sat and ate, pondering what he was going to do afterwards. Ross had said to come up to the hospital and he assumed that they’d go for a few beers in the club like they had the last few times, using the darkness of the road down to the base entrance to hide them as they stood and kissed in the shadows of the trees afterwards, the blood pounding in their veins as they drove each crazy with their mouths and tongues but ultimately going back to their own hooches alone. Jim didn’t know about Ross, but he was getting frustrated with the lack of follow through, the lack of intimacy. And the fact that it wasn’t just about the feel of Ross’ hands on him, but also about how he laughed when Ross was around, how he felt almost like the boy that had gotten on a plane to come to this place.

‘What are y’all doing tonight?’ Kellerman asked. He and RJ and Callaghan were also at the table, and they had the look of men spoiling for a card game about them. Kellerman was from Georgia and a gambler of some renown on the base.

‘Drinking.’ Flint replied. ‘Going to the USO to meet my girl.’

‘Sleeping.’ LJ yawned. ‘Been a couple of days. I am tired.’ He looked it too, his head drooping.

‘What about you, B?’ Kellerman asked and Benny shook his head.

‘I am broke.’ he said. ‘You cleaned me out the last time.’

‘Hawk?’ Kellerman asked and Jim looked up.

‘No thanks.’ he replied. ‘I think I’m just gonna turn in.’ To their credit, none of his crew gave a thing away. They all knew he had plans, but their surprise at his announcement was hidden perfectly. It was only on the walk back to their hooch that they all rounded on him and gave him a collective look.

‘What the hell are you doin’? Flint asked. ‘You got a date tonight.’

‘Yeah.’ Benny said. ‘You said you’d go see him.’

‘You can’t stand him up.’ LJ was stern. ‘He’s expecting you to be there.’

‘What the hell is this?’ Jim stopped walking and they all turned to look at him. ‘When did you turn into the goddamn Greek Chorus?’ Benny leaned over to Flint.

‘What’s a Greek Chorus?’ he whispered and Flint snickered.

‘We turned into the goddamn Greek Chorus when you decided to get yourself tangled up with Doctor Love.’ LJ retorted. ‘And it’s goddamn rudeness itself to agree to go on a date and then back out at the last minute because you’re getting cold feet over the fact that you just may be in love with him.’

‘How about you say that a little fucking louder.’ Jim hissed at him. ‘I don’t think they heard you over at the Americal Division.’

‘Hang on.’ Flint looked at LJ and then at Jim. ‘Is that true?’

‘Of course it is.’ LJ said, folding his arms. ‘Look at this silly bastard. He’s in so deep he’s shitting himself.’ He glared at Jim. ‘And don’t try and deny it.’ Jim stuck his hands in his pockets and sulked all the way back to the hooch.

He sat on his cot and contemplated his options. He could just stay, go down to the 164 and drink with the Stingers. He could take Kellerman up on his invitation and gamble away his next month’s pay. Or he could pull himself together and go have a few beers with the man he was now pretty obsessed with, enjoy his evening and suffer the emotional turmoil when he got back. He looked around at the others. Flint had gone off to go shower and Benny was on his cot reading his stack of comic books, ashtray balanced on his broad chest.

‘You know you want to go.’ LJ’s voice came from his side of the hooch. ‘Just go already.’

‘Maybe.’ Jim replied, not looking at him. His emotions were running out of control. LJ caught the look on his face, got up and went and dug out some of the soldier bonds they used as currency.

‘Benny.’ he said. ‘Go get yourself a candy bar.’ Benny looked up at him and then across at Jim, realisation playing almost comically across his face.

‘Sure.’ He got up from his cot and took the money, then left the hooch. Jim, awaiting the inevitable talk, lit another cigarette. LJ came over and sat down next to him.

‘James, what’s wrong?’ he asked and Jim shrugged.

‘Maybe this is a terrible idea.’ he said. ‘Maybe I should just leave it and let it die a natural death.’

‘You’re kidding, right?’ LJ looked at him. ‘Why are you saying this?’

‘Because it’s risky as hell, we could both get caught and the consequences are serious and I think I might be getting in over my head.’ It came out in a rush and LJ sighed.

‘You want to know what I think?’ he asked and Jim huffed.

‘No.’ he replied.

‘Well, I’m gonna tell you anyway.’ LJ said. ‘I think you’re scared shitless and that’s because this man is making you feel things you don’t want to feel.’ His face was stern but his voice was sympathetic. ‘I see how you deal with what we do every damn day. You cut if off, lock your feelings away inside you and Ross is breaking them right out again. It’s easy to deal with the death and shit when you don't have to think about having anyone to lose or about someone having to lose you.’

‘I’m not as strong as you are, John.’ Jim leaned forward, elbows on his knees and looked at the floor. ‘You have a family and every damn day you get up and go out there and risk your life.’

‘Because if I didn’t, other people with families would die.’ LJ said. ‘You and I are here for the same reasons, namely that we did not want to pick up a weapon and be part of that. We took an oath when we volunteered into Dust Off to save lives, not take them. It was the only way any of us could get through this with our principles intact and be able to live with what we’ve done.’ He put his hand on Jim’s knee. ‘But being with Ross means that now you’d have something to lose. That’s why you’re feeling like this.’

‘Shit.’ Jim heaved a sigh. ‘What the hell am I doing?’

‘Living, James.’ LJ said. ‘You’ve just forgotten how to do it for a while. Ross is reminding you what it’s like to feel.’

‘So what are you saying?’ Jim looked at him.

‘I’m sayin’ that we all need someone to love and who loves us back.’ LJ said. ‘Now go shower and get all dressed up and go see your nice doctor who makes you smile more than I’ve seen you do in over a year.’

‘Fine.’ Jim got up. ‘I’ll go. But if it all fucks up, I’m blaming you.’

‘Yeah?’ LJ grinned. ‘And if you and the Doc make it through this and are still together in twenty years, I’ll also take the credit.’

***********

Ross stared at the shelves. He was in the stores and was standing looking at the supplies in front of him. He’d gone under the pretext of needing to get some disinfectant for a cut on his foot. It actually wasn’t that much of a pretext, he’d stepped on a sharp rock on the beach and really did have a cut on his foot. He’d had Caroline look at it and dress it, but then told her that he’d grab some stuff from the stores for later. He had the dressings and antiseptic ointment in his hand and he did a quick sweep to check he was alone. Then he took a deep breath and reached up, taking one of the plain white tubes from the shelf and putting it in his pocket.

He left the R & E after doing a brief stop in to chat to Dwight, hoping that it would calm his nerves, but it didn’t. He was so torn, completely exhilarated at the decision that he wanted to take things the next step further and also terrified of the importance of what he was about to do. The sun was starting to dip and the sky had that ethereal glow that was somewhere between orange and blue as he walked along towards his hooch. It was only when he got there that he realised that someone was waiting for him. The lights hadn’t come on yet but he recognised the stance, the same one Jim affected whenever he was waiting for something. He was leaning against the wall, one foot up against it to brace himself and Ross took the opportunity to just look at him for a moment. The light was just short of where Jim was standing and his face as in shadow, lit up for just a second as he inhaled, the cigarette pinched between his thumb and forefinger as it usually was.

Ross stared, feeling his heart speed up and the tightness in his groin take hold. Suddenly everything seemed so much more real and he had to inhale and then exhale through his teeth to calm himself. Then he stepped into the last shaft of sunlight and Jim looked up and there was a quicksilver smile.

‘Hi Doc.’ he said and Ross felt his stomach turn over, his own smile lighting up in response.

‘Hey.’ he said walking towards him. ‘You’re early.’

‘Quiet day.’ Jim replied, pushing himself away from the wall. He went to meet Ross. ‘You want to head over?’

‘In a second?’ Ross felt an illicit thrill at the contraband in his pocket. He held up the other supplies. ‘Cut myself down at the beach today. Just got to drop this off.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim frowned. ‘How?’

‘Stepped on a goddamn rock like an idiot.’ Ross replied. He went past Jim and to the door of the hooch. ‘I’ll just be a second.’ He didn’t want to sound discouraging but he also didn’t want Jim to follow him either. Jim seemed to take the hint though and stayed where he was, patiently waiting for Ross to go in. Ross took only a few moments to go inside and stash the KY and the medical supplies in his locker. He grabbed a spare pack of smokes and came back out.

‘Let’s go.’ he said and fell in step with Jim as they threaded their way through the hooches and towards the club. It was set behind the R & E on the edge of the bluff, overlooking the ocean and when they got there it was already busy. Ross stepped back, his instinct kicking in, and let Jim go in the door ahead of him and got a small smile in response. They got a few greetings from the people already in there and went over to the bar where Ross bought the first round of beers and then moved to the back to grab an empty table. Nobody paid them any attention, all used to the friendship that had struck up between the doctor and the dust-off pilot. They sat down and the first few minutes was spent in the ritual of lighting cigarettes and small talk about their respective days.

‘Nice way to spend a day.’ Jim said, smiling at Ross over his beer. ‘Sitting on your ass on the beach.’

‘It was.’ Ross replied. He smiled back. ‘And that’s rich coming from a Cali boy.’ Jim laughed.

‘I guess.’ he replied. ‘Although I’d rather be out there. What were the waves like?’

‘Flat.’ Ross replied. ‘Not even a ripple.’

‘Shit.’ Jim shook his head. ‘Ain’t been a decent goddamn swell for weeks.’

‘Where do you usually surf?’ Ross asked. He knew nothing about surfing, but he enjoyed listening to Jim talk about it.

‘Off the jetties in Eureka. There’s a couple of nice breaks out there, not huge but real quick. In Humboldt there’s a beach called Moonstone though. It’s prettier and really nice in winter with these sweet tubes that just go on forever.’ Jim said. ‘But before I shipped out, I was saving to go to Hawaii. They’ve got insane waves towards the end of fall.’

‘Big?’ Ross asked and he nodded.

‘Really big, especially in storm season.’ he said. ‘And not so many sharks either.’ He said it in a completely offhand way, but Ross nearly choked on his beer.

‘Sharks?’ he asked and Jim grinned at him.

‘Yeah.’ he replied. ‘Great Whites. I saw a couple the last winter before I shipped out.’

‘What the hell did you do?’ Ross asked.

‘Nothin.’ Jim was smiling at him now. ‘It’s their home, not mine. Just sat on my board and caught the next wave back in. Only an idiot stays out when the big fish are swimming. And if you surf on the west coast, they’re always gonna be there. I’ve been up and down all the way to Baja and the same stories are told.’

‘You travelled a lot?’ Ross said.

‘I’ve got a van.’ Jim replied. ‘Put the board in and go. Fitted it out inside so I can sleep in it.’ He sipped his beer. ‘It’s nice. Wake up and watch the sun come up then hit the water. Only come in to eat and sleep a little. Rob used to give me a week off every season to do that in summer once I turned sixteen and got my license, since I’d been working the boat a long time before that.’

‘Is he the one that taught you how?’ Ross was interested in Jim’s father. They had a relationship he really couldn’t comprehend, living as friends more than parent and child.

‘No. We had a deckhand that worked with us for a while when I was younger.’ Jim replied. ‘He taught me. Also gave me my first board. It was an old one he didn’t have room for anymore and so he let me have it.’ He smiled at the memory. ‘It was too big for me. Made duck diving hard, but I learned to compensate for being small.’

‘You’re not that small.’ Ross said and there was a flash of something in Jim’s eyes. ‘In fact I’d say you’re just the right size.’

‘Flirt.’ Jim said and Ross felt warmth steal through him at the risky comment. He smiled in response.

‘Only if it gets me what I want.’ he said and Jim raised an eyebrow at him.

‘Depends on what you want.’ he replied, and the light tease in his voice made Ross realise that the flirting was definitely mutual. He swallowed his mouthful of beer and tried to ignore how his body was starting to become hyper aware of their proximity to each other.

‘Tell me more about Eureka.’ he said.

‘It’s small.’ Jim replied. ‘Most people are fisherman. The harbour’s got some big boats but not too many. Most are like my dad.’

‘It must be nice though.’ Ross said. ‘Pretty.’

‘Some of it.’ Jim replied. ‘There’s this tiny little town called Trinidad about an hour north. That’s my favourite place. Not a hell of a lot of people out that way, so the beaches are empty a lot of the time and it’s got some real pretty places.’ He nodded at Ross’ almost empty beer. ‘Next one?’

‘Sure.’ Ross watched as he got up and went to get their next round. He leaned his chin on one hand and admired the way Jim moved. It seemed like everything about him was designed to get Ross in a frame of mind to do things to him. Jim paid and came back, carrying their beers and sat back down and they picked up the conversation again.

‘Swimming?’ he asked and Jim nodded.

‘Not big enough for football or basketball.’ he said. ‘I think I’m more at home in the water anyway.’

‘And the air.’ Ross said. ‘I’m surprised you didn’t go into the navy.’

‘I almost did.’ Jim said. ‘My dad was in the Pacific.’

‘So why didn’t you?’ Ross asked.

‘There was a recruitment drive on campus.’ Jim said. ‘You can imagine how popular it was. I walked in and there were like four guys all sitting there and me. I got talking to one of them and he was a medevac pilot. He told me a lot and I guess that idea made a lot of sense to me.’ He shrugged. ‘I got no argument with these people. I thought about it a lot, how I could serve and not be directly involved. That was important to me. And this seemed like the perfect solution.’

‘It makes sense.’ Ross said. ‘At least you were doing it for noble reasons.’

‘There’s nothin’ noble about what goes on in-country.’ Jim said. ‘But we do what we can.’ He sipped his beer and his eyes were intense as he looked at Ross. ‘You didn’t need to join up.’

‘No.’ Ross said. ‘But you know why I did.’

‘Yeah.’ Jim said. He looked away. ‘This is one hell of a situation we find ourselves in.’ Ross knew that he was talking about more than just their respective posts.

‘Elizabeth’s called the wedding off.’ he said and Jim’s look of surprise made him smile.

‘Why?’ he asked, then immediately realised he sounded off. ‘I mean, I’m sorry I guess but that’s kinda out of the blue isn’t it?’

‘She wasn’t happy I came in the first place.’ Ross replied. ‘She didn’t want me anywhere near here. He reached into his pocket for the letter he’d been carrying around all day. She’s marrying my cousin instead. He’s more biddable and she gets the Poldark name that way with none of the issues.’

‘I don’t know.’ Jim said and this time the lilt in his voice was definitely there. ‘I kind of like the issues.’ Ross looked at them and their eyes locked, the tension between them simmering just under the surface. ‘Besides it ain’t like my issues are any better.’

‘What issues?’ Ross laughed. ‘You’re probably one of the most sensible people I’ve met.’ Jim shrugged.

‘Can’t stay in one place for too long.’ he said. ‘I think that’s why I love flying. I get to go everywhere and it’s a way for me to escape.’

‘Out here?’ Ross was confused. ‘That’s kind of wild logic don’t you think.’

‘I can’t explain it.’ Jim said. ‘Even though I had a good childhood and Rob’s a great dad there’s always been something missing. I’ve never been able to put my finger on it.’ He sat back in his chair. ‘Shit, this is getting maudlin. Let’s talk about something else.’

Another two beers later and Ross was relaxed and happy. Jim was telling him stories about driving down the West coast, tales of wave and sunshine and sea otters. He’d done a lot of things, travelled to a lot of places in his short life and Ross felt like he was the younger of the two when he compared his sheltered life with Jim’s.

‘So you just went?’ he asked and Jim laughed.

‘Yeah.’ he said. ‘You get a month off when you sign up for your next tour and I’m here, so why the hell not? It was pretty easy. There’s US bases all over the South Pacific so I mostly just caught rides with Army Air and got around that way. Stayed on bases or on the beach.’ He smiled. ‘It was incredible. Some of the waves I surfed made being here all worth it.’ He played with the neck of his bottle as he smiled, clearly reminiscing. ‘Fiji. Man, that’s a beautiful place. It’s like paradise.’

‘Where else do you want to go?’ Ross asked.

‘I got a week’s leave in April.’ Jim said. ‘I’m heading to Bali. There was another pilot here last year, shipped back home once he’d done his tour. He went there, down south to this place called Cengiling. He stayed with this Australian woman who’s got a house out there. She’s been there for pretty much forever and she rents her place out.’ Ross listened to him go on, talking about breaks and swells and tubes, smiling as bits of surfing vernacular broke through Jim’s normal speak, his voice softening and taking on a different tone.

‘It sounds good.’ he eventually said once Jim’s enthusiasm had run its course.

‘Yeah. I’m real stoked.’ Jim said. He looked at his watch. ‘Damn, it’s almost ten. I should probably get goin’. We’re on third tomorrow, but you never know.’ Ross checked his own and was surprised to find that they’d been sitting there for close on three hours already.

‘Sure.’ he said, his stomach knotting once again as he contemplated what was coming. He had been having such a good time that he’d completely forgotten his planned seduction and now all his nerves were coming back.

They left the club, and as they walked Ross could feel the energy between them shift and change as they both started to get a little wound up by what was coming. But instead of heading down to the dirt road like they normally did, taking sanctuary in the trees, tonight when they got to the end of the walkway Ross stopped. Jim went a few steps further and then realised that he wasn’t being followed and turned to give Ross a quizzical look.

‘You not coming?’ he asked and Ross thrilled to hear the disappointment in his voice. He shoved his hands in his pockets to hide how they were shaking.

‘I thought maybe you’d want to come hang out with me tonight.’ he said, trying his best to sound casual. ‘Dwight’s working. He’ll only be back at eight.’

He watched as the words sunk in and then realisation crossed Jim’s face and his expression of hopeful delight made Ross want to run over and kiss him. It was quickly gone though, replaced by Jim’s usual slightly sardonic grin.

‘That’s pretty damn sneaky, Doc.’ he said and Ross moved, taking a step back.

‘So you don’t want to?’ he asked, his own voice light and teasing. Jim’s eyes darkened and there was a momentary flash of heat in them.

‘You sure?’ he asked as he moved closer, dropping his voice. ‘This ain’t like what we normally do.’

‘I know.’ Ross replied. He was struggling to control himself now, heart pounding and his breathing starting to shorten. ‘I understand if you…’ He did not expect what happened next. Suddenly Jim was in his space and it was dizzying.

‘Don’t.’ His voice as rough with want. ‘Don’t even think I wouldn’t want this.’ He got control of himself and stepped back, and Ross could see how he was fighting his feelings. He couldn’t trust himself to speak either so he simply turned and walked off in the direction of his hooch, Jim’s footsteps sounding behind him.

They got there and Ross unlocked and opened the door, automatically checking that no-one else was around. Jim went in ahead of him and he followed, locking the door behind him. There was also a deadbolt, installed by Dwight, and Ross slid it home then turned back around. It was dark in the hooch and he moved to switch on the lamp over Dwight’s bed, the light barely enough to see into the corners of the room and then went to turn on the radio, hoping it would hide any sounds they might make. Then he turned back around and looked at Jim

‘Now there’s no escape.’ he said, but his voice was shaky.

‘Like I’d want to.’ Jim replied. He looked like he was poised to move, but at the same time he was holding back. They stood and looked at each other and then Ross moved, not able to keep himself in check any longer. Jim met him halfway, the kiss rough enough to make them both catch their breath as they threw themselves into it. Jim’s hands were fisted in the front of his shirt and Ross held on to him, gripping the back of his. It was intense, their pent up feelings spilling over as they kept kissing, fighting their way to Ross’ bed before going over onto it in a tangle of arms and legs.

Ross was completely lost in it, the taste of Jim’s open mouth and the feel of his rapidly hardening cock as he got Ross on his back and climbed on top of him, straddling his hips. When he pulled away and sat up, Ross could see his eyes were fever-bright, his chest heaving as he panted. He wasted no time, grabbing at the back of his own shirt to pull it and the t-shirt underneath over his head and then his skin was bare and Ross couldn’t help himself. He sat up, catching Jim around the waist to hold him still and let his mouth roam across Jim’s shoulder and up his neck as he tasted his skin. Jim moaned and wrapped both arms around his neck, fingers digging in. Ross kissed up the side of his neck, licking at the salt on Jim’s skin, and then came back to his mouth, Jim’s tongue meeting his in a frenzied dance as he thrust up against him and Jim arched down to meet him. He had one hand at the back of Ross’ head, fingers tightening in his hair, and it sent a surge of desire through Ross that knocked out everything else.

This wasn’t like anything they had done so far, this was veering wildly out of control and Ross didn’t want to stop this time. He splayed his hands across Jim’s bare back, feeling the play of muscles under his fingers, and it was more arousing than anything he’d ever felt. Jim was all hardness where Elizabeth had been soft, angles where there had been curves and it felt more right than anything he’d ever done.

‘Ross…’ Jim’s voice was low and soft. ‘Fuck…’ Ross pulled him back in and this time Jim took control, slowing the kiss as he licked into Ross’ mouth. Ross melted against him, letting him do whatever he wanted. He was so hard now, every shift of Jim’s weight a lovely friction against his cock. Jim’s hands were at his shirt, pulling it up and over Ross’ head and he raised his arms to accommodate it, gasping as Jim’s fingers dragged over his chest. He looked up and Jim was staring at him, his light eyes darkened to indigo by the dim light and looking at Ross in a way Ross had never seen before.

‘What’s wrong?’ he whispered and Jim shook his head, dimples flickering.

‘You’re just so fucking beautiful.’ he whispered back. ‘You’re about the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.’ It made Ross smile, giddy with happiness.

‘I’ve never been called that before.’ he replied and Jim’s smile widened.

‘I don’t know why not.’ He lifted a hand and traced Ross’ cheekbone with the tip of his forefinger. ‘You are.’ He leaned in again and this kiss was feather-soft. Ross leaned up into it, their mouths lingering.

'Jim.’ He knew he had to voice it, before he lost his courage. ‘Do you remember what you said on New Year?’

‘I said a few things.’ Jim was now nosing at Ross’ neck, his tongue flicking out lightly to catch Ross’ earlobe before he took it in and sucked it and Ross momentarily lost his train of thought. Every inch of his skin now felt like it was burning.

‘There was one…’ He inhaled sharply as Jim bit down gently.

‘Yeah?’ Jim leaned back to lick at his neck again. ‘Well it can’t be about sucking your cock because I already did that.’ He was smiling and Ross blushed.

‘The other one.’ he managed to say.

‘Oh.’ Jim’s voice was warm and it sounded even dirtier like this than it had before. He leaned in to whisper in Ross’ ear. ‘You wanna fuck me in the ass, Doc?’ The heat those words bought was enough to make Ross whine.

‘Yes.’ He forced himself to say it and Jim laughed softly in his ear and then rolled his hips and the friction was enough to bring Ross right to the edge.

‘You know how?’ Jim asked.

‘Not a damn clue.’ Ross was trying so hard to focus, to stop the automatic response of his body. He didn’t want this to be over quickly, he wanted them to take their time, to do everything. Jim pushed him away, and he frowned. ‘Is that okay.’

‘More than okay.’ Jim replied and then he climbed off Ross, his own arousal obvious from the state of his pants. ‘Take your clothes off.’

Ross complied, almost falling off the bed in the rush to unlace his boots and get them off. His socks went next, then he dragged his pants and underwear down, hurling them off the bed and into a dark corner, falling back on the mattress. He heard Jim chuckle and looked up, then stopped dead.

Jim was standing there watching him. Like Ross he was now naked and Ross let himself stare and stare, his eyes taking in every line and shadow on Jim’s body. He was smaller, compact, dog tags gleaming on his chest. That much Ross had seen that first day in the hooch when Jim had come back from the shower. But now he could appreciate the breadth of his shoulders and the trim line of his waist, well-muscled legs and the defined line of his obliques. That of course led him to what was between Jim’s legs and that was when he lost his breath. He’d never seen another man’s erect cock before. Jim’s was lovely, not as large as his own but perfectly in proportion for his shape and size. It was also curving skyward, and it was enough to set Ross’ blood pounding in his ears.

‘Damn.’ Jim’s voice interrupted his examination. ‘I didn’t think you could be any more…’ He stopped. ‘Ross…’

‘Come here.’ Ross held out his hands. ‘Please.’ He sat up to plant his feet on the floor as Jim walked forward, all his own awkwardness forgotten in his desire to touch Jim’s skin. His tan was deep, the line where his shorts ran clearly defined and there was a soft gleam where he was starting to sweat. He got close enough to touch and Ross raised both hands reverently, placing them against his chest. Jim looked down, watching him intently.

Ross ran his fingers over the light dusting of dark gold hair that presented a contrasting texture to the smoothness of his skin. He found Jim’s nipples, felt them harden as he touched them softly then leaned forward to lick at one. Jim gasped and then bit off the noise he was making. Ross looked up at him, watching how he’d closed his eyes, his gold brows knitting together as pleasure took over, showing clearly on his face. Ross kept going. He let himself do the things he’d only ever dreamed about, circling the nipple with his tongue and then sucking lightly on it until Jim was bent over him, hands on Ross’ shoulders to balance himself. He left the one and moved to the other and Jim tightened his grip.

‘Where the hell’d you learn how to do this?’ he breathed and Ross smiled against his skin.

‘You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.’ he replied and pulled Jim down to kiss him. ‘What do you want me to do?’ Jim shivered as he ran both hands over his ass.

‘You got anything?’ he asked and Ross nodded.

‘Yeah.’ He pushed Jim away and got up, going to the locker to grab the KY. When he turned back, Jim was on the bed, sitting with his knees up and ankles crossed.

‘Just stand there a second.’ he said and Ross did, watching how Jim looked at him. Then he met Ross’ eyes and leaned back on his hands. ‘Okay.’ Ross came to the bed and got on next to him and they moved so they were lying facing each other. Jim frowned at the tube in his hand.

‘What is that?’ he asked and Ross smiled.

‘The perks of being a doctor.’ he replied. ‘But you’ve got to show me what to do with it.’

‘Here.’ Jim took it and unscrewed the top, his eyes widening when he squeezed some out onto his fingers and tested it. ‘Oh. What the hell is this stuff?’

‘KY.’ Ross replied. ‘We use it for exams.’ Jim looked at him and grinned.

‘What kind of exams?’ he asked and there was a laugh bubbling in his voice. ‘The kind where you stick your fingers up people’s asses?’

‘Maybe.’ Ross could hear he sounded defensive. Then he had to bite his lip as Jim took his hand and squeezed more out onto his forefinger and middle finger.

‘Then you know where to put them.’ he said and there was desire in his voice, in his eyes. He took Ross by the wrist and Ross bit back moan as Jim guided his hand down between his legs. He was almost insensible with want, and he tried to go slow as he reached in and felt the first touch of Jim’s skin. The texture here was different and Ross found that the only way he could deal with what he was doing was to be clinical about it, spreading the KY like he would for a routine prostate exam and then inserting one finger. Jim huffed and brought his leg up to rest over Ross’ hip to give him better access and Ross was able to push in all the way. Jim’s body was tight around his finger and Ross buried his face in Jim’s neck to hide his reaction. It felt incredible to be doing this and that took him by surprise. Next to him, Jim now had his legs splayed open, the one over Ross’ hip keeping him leaning over.

‘Fuck…’ He had his head back. ‘That feels really good.’ He opened his eyes and looked at Ross. ‘Put the other one in too.’ Ross swallowed down the wave of arousal that bought and slid his middle finger in alongside the other one. There was so much lubrication it went easily but now he could really feel how Jim’s body was responding, tightening convulsively around his fingers.

‘Shit.’ he muttered. ‘I don’t…’

‘It’s okay.’ Jim put both hands to the sides of his neck. ‘Look at me.’ Ross did, and their eyes locked. ‘I want you to fuck me with them. Get in deep.’ Ross was too slow to silence himself this time, moaning as he started to move his hand, fingers sliding in and out. Jim nodded in reassurance and then kissed him, and kept kissing him. He moaned into Ross’ mouth and Ross quickened his pace. Jim’s cock bumped along his arm, and Ross could feel wetness on his skin. He let Jim kiss him deep and slow, the movement of their tongues an unconscious imitation of his fingers and remembered what Demelza had told him. The next time when he pulled them out, he curled them and felt Jim’s prostate slide under his fingertips. Jim jolted sharply, his whole body jumping in Ross’ arms.

‘God…’ It sounded like it have been knocked out of him. ‘Yes…’

Ross did it again and set up a steady rhythm, astonished at how Jim arched up into his hand. He was sweating profusely now, his blond hair dark with it, and he was panting softly with every touch. Ross watched spellbound, tracking the intensity of emotion across Jim’s face until he felt Jim’s body suddenly bear down on his fingers and Jim let out a choked off noise and went rigid in his arms. For a second Ross had no idea what had happened and was starting to panic, when Jim laughed and opened his eyes.

‘Goddamn.’ he said and there was a deliriously happy smile on his face. ‘Holy shit.’

‘What?’ Ross was bemused. ‘What did I do?’ Jim’s eyes widened comically in surprise and the laugh turned into a snicker as he buried his face in Ross’ neck.

‘You made me come.’ he breathed in Ross’ ear. ‘Really fucking hard.’

‘I did?’ Ross first reaction was to lock down at Jim’s still hard cock. ‘But you didn’t…’

‘It doesn’t always happen when you do it like that.’ Jim replied, licking at his neck. ‘Your turn.’

That got Ross’ attention and he couldn’t move fast enough, easing his fingers out and moving to kneel over Jim. Jim was now on his back, legs either side of Ross’ knees. He was looking up at him.

‘What do I do?’ he breathed and Jim smiled at him.

‘Come here.’ he said, lifting one hand to beckon him in. ‘I want to see you.’ Ross moved forward a little awkwardly as he tried to balance on one hand and reach for himself with the other. He knew the mechanics but this was so very different to what he’d done with Elizabeth. Jim put his hand on Ross’ arm and placed the other flat against his chest. ‘Slowly, baby. Take your time.’ Ross nodded, not trusting himself to speak as he lowered himself. He guided himself in, the touch of Jim’s lube slick skin against the head of his cock breathtaking, and then he pushed in tentatively. It took more effort than he’d expected and Ross gritted his teeth, not wanting to be too rough.

‘It’s okay.’ Jim’s voice was reassuring. ‘Just do it.’ He was looking down between them, and Ross did too, watching where his cock disappeared into Jim’s body as he braced himself and went harder. Jim’s body resisted and then it opened up and Ross felt himself bottoming out in one smooth thrust and it was so beyond anything that he completely lost his ability to even think coherently. Jim was hot and tight inside, the feel of his internal walls pulsing around Ross’ cock so astonishingly good that Ross felt the tell-tale feeling of his orgasm starting already. Desperate for distraction he focused in on the song on the radio.

 _There is a house in New Orleans_  
_They call the Rising Sun_  
_And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy_  
_And God I know I'm one_

‘Fuck.’ he hissed between his teeth. ‘I can’t hold on…’

‘Easy baby.’ Jim’s voice was soothing. ‘Look at me.’ Ross did and Jim raised one hand to his face. ‘Just breathe with me.’ Ross followed him, matching his breathing with Jim’s until the tremors inside him died away. He stared into Jim’s eyes and then Jim nodded and he started to move, his dog tags clinking against Jim’s as he did. He kept it shallow at first, the slick slide of his cock in and out of Jim so good he had to bite his own lip to keep himself quiet. Jim pulled him down until Ross was lying flush against him, every single bit of them touching, their skin wet with sweat and sliding against each other. He could feel Jim’s hard cock between them and then Jim lifted his legs, locking his ankles at the base of Ross’ spine and his arms around Ross’ neck.

‘That’s good.’ he breathed against Ross’ mouth. ‘Now fuck me.’

Ross gave into his instincts, rolling his hips into deep thrusts that drove him all the way inside Jim. Jim held on tightly, panting against Ross’ mouth.

‘Harder.’ It was a whisper and Ross picked up speed, abandoning any control he had and driving home hard and fast. He felt a bright flare of pain as Jim scratched his nails down his back and it was enough to make him moan and drive harder, getting to his knees for better leverage. Jim linked his fingers at the back of Ross’ neck, staring up open-mouthed as he panted.

‘That’s it.’ he breathed. ‘Come in me, baby.’

‘Fuck.’ That was enough to push Ross right to the edge and he fell forward onto him, kissing Jim frantically as he let go and thrust as hard as he could, burying himself all the way inside Jim until it hit and he came deep and hard. It was so powerful that for a second Ross though he’d lost consciousness, all blinding white light and a complete absence of everything else. He felt warmth between them as Jim arched up and came seconds later, their mouths messy and uncoordinated as they kissed their way through it with Jim writhing underneath him and his own hips stuttering and finally slowing as he came down. They lay like that, both battling to breathe as they looked at each other. Ross could not believe what had just happened, but then Jim kissed him and it brought him back down to earth and he suddenly couldn’t stop smiling.

‘Okay.’ he panted. ‘That was pretty damn good.’

‘Fuck good.’ Jim panted back. ‘That was fucking outstanding.’ He was smiling too, dimples deep shadows. ‘Jesus Christ, who taught you how to fuck?’

‘Demelza.’ Ross replied. ‘This afternoon actually.’ Jim stared at him in astonishment and then laughed.

‘I guess I owe her a beer.’ he said. Ross laughed with him and then eased out, the air cool on his wet skin. He looked down at the gleam of lube and cum on his softening cock and felt a rush of residual heat. He moved over Jim to grab his cigarettes and lit two, handing one to Jim before settling down next to him while they smoked, exhaling lazily at the ceiling. Ross was deliriously happy, his brain empty of everything except the thought that he really wanted to fuck Jim again. He ran his eyes down Jim’s body to his cock, sticking his cigarette in the corner of his mouth and smoothing his hand down the length of Jim’s body until he got to the smear of cum and ran his finger through it. Jim followed his eyes, watching what he was doing.

‘You like that.’ he said. ‘And here I thought all you WASPS were so uptight.’

‘Catholic.’ Ross corrected around his cigarette and moved his hand down between Jim’s legs. He felt the warm sticky wetness and then eased his fingers in and Jim whined and arched up against his hand. ‘This feels so fucking good.’

‘I know.’ Jim replied. ‘Fuck, don’t stop.’ He had one hand above his head, gripping the edge of the mattress so hard his knuckles were white. ‘How long till you can go again?’

‘Not too long.’ Ross could already feel his cock starting to stir. He pumped his hand slowly, fascinated by the shine on his fingers and the matted cum in the hair on his stomach and Jim’s from where he’d come between them. ‘How many times can I fuck you?’

‘As many as you want.’ Jim was almost insensible with pleasure, his eyes glazed over as he inhaled deeply on his cigarette and then leaned over to kill it. Ross watched him, working his fingers in and out until Jim was hard again. Then he thought about what else Demelza had told him and moved down the bed. Jim watched him go, amusement clear on his face. ‘Where the hell are you going?’

‘I want to try something.’ Ross said and lowered his head. The smell of Jim’s skin and his cum was strong and salty and he regarded Jim’s cock. He was amazed to find that he wasn’t in the slightest repulsed by the smells and textures, only incredibly turned on. He flicked his tongue out, licking experimentally along Jim’s cock and Jim moaned. It tasted odd, acrid like licking the end of a battery. He took it in his hand, running down to pull the foreskin back, and then took the head in his mouth.

‘Slowly.’ Jim’s hand was on his head, guiding him. ‘And real gentle.’ He inhaled and it was shaky. ‘Fuck, your mouth feels so good.’

Ross moaned in agreement. Jim’s cock was velvety soft on his tongue, the residual semen being quickly replaced by the cleaner taste of pre-cum as he licked over the slit and ran his tongue around the underside of the head. Demelza had given him very clear instructions and he followed them now, working his tongue against the underside of the glans and feeling how it throbbed. He matched the movements of his tongue to his fingers and Jim bowed up off the bed. Ross waited for his panting to get faster and then lowered his mouth down to take as much in as he could and Jim cried out once, his cock pulsing as he came again. Ross hadn’t been quite prepared for just how much come was going to come out of it and he choked a little, coughing as he pulled off. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and heard Jim’s soft laugh.

‘You know you need to practise that.’ he said. ‘Nobody learns how to suck cock overnight.’

‘I think I did okay.’ Ross replied, happiness making him cocky. He ran a hand up the inside of Jim’s thigh. ‘Can I fuck you now?’

‘Yeah.’ Jim sat up. ‘But like this.’ He moved onto his knees and Ross had to get off the bed until he was done. It was unexpectedly erotic seeing Jim like that, braced on his elbows with his legs spread. He threw Ross a challenging look over his shoulder. ‘Come on, Doc. Get with it.’

‘Is this good?’ Ross got onto the bed behind him, moving into position.

‘Really good.’ Jim said, his head down. ‘Means you go deep.’ He let out a shuddering breath as Ross pushed in. ‘Means you can fuck me hard.’

‘Yeah?’ Ross thrust home, the cum and lube inside Jim making it easy. He took hold of him, hands on Jim’s hips, then pulled out and slammed back in. Jim bit off a cry and nodded.

‘Like that.’ he panted. Ross leaned over him, licking at his back, and then straightened up and did it again. Jim braced himself against the bed and then pushed back onto his cock and Ross let loose, fucking him hard like he wanted, dog tags bouncing against his chest with the force of his thrusts. This time was about letting it all come out, every bit of frustration with his life and the last three months and the feeling that they might only have this night to do this. Jim took it all, profanities falling from his mouth and spreading his legs further.

‘Fuck, yeah.’ he panted. ‘Fuck my ass.’ He arched his back and Ross gasped at the change in pressure. He pushed down between Jim’s shoulder blades and Jim lifted his ass and then it went from great to spectacular, both of them bucking against each other as they drove each other towards the edge. Ross could not control himself, coming so hard that it made him lose any rhythm he had and Jim went with him, hand on his own cock and coming all over the sheet underneath him. Ross ran his hand down Jim’s spine, the way slicked with sweat. He pulled out slowly and then fell down on the narrow bed, almost rolling off.

This time it was Jim who lit the cigarette, handing it over as he came to cushion his head on Ross’s shoulder. They lay like that and bounced it until it was finished and then started all over again.

**********

The sky was just beginning to pale outside when Jim finally got dressed, balanced on the edge of Ross’ bed as he tied his laces.

‘I’m sorry I kept you up.’ Ross said. He was lying on one arm, completely sated and happier than he’d ever been. Jim cast him a look over his shoulder, smiling at him.

‘I’ll be able to get a couple of hours.’ he said. ‘Hopefully it’ll be a quiet day.’ He got up and retrieved his t-shirt and pulled it on, then buttoned his shirt over it. Ross watched him as he came over, leaning up to kiss him. He caught hold of Jim’s shirt and let him into his mouth, the kiss deep and lingering. When they parted, Jim's eyes were sparkling. ‘I’ll try and see you when I see you.’ he said. They were scheduled to be on opposite shifts for the next two weeks.

‘Okay.’ Ross said and let him go. ‘Fly safe.’

‘I always do.’ Jim replied and went to the door, unlocking it and closing it behind him. Ross lay and listened to his footsteps fading away. He was tired, but he also felt so good that he didn’t want to sleep. He just wanted to lie there and bask in the past five hours. They had done everything they could, and he had the taste of Jim’s cum in his mouth and the smell of him soaked into his skin. The tube of KY was pretty much exhausted, although Ross hadn’t been quite brave enough to let Jim fuck him in return or put his fingers in him. Not that it had mattered. Jim had eventually begged and whined for Ross to fuck him, to break him open and come inside him and Ross had, over and over again. It had been the most spectacular night of his life.

It had been more than just that though. He’d seen a different Jim that night, one who laughed easily and let his emotions shine and taken his pleasure selfishly, using Ross’ body without care or fear and he’d done the same. If Ross had any doubts about his feelings for Jim, he had none now. He knew he was in love and instead of terrifying him, the thought made him want to shout.

He stretched luxuriously, then got up and cleaned up the room. The whole place stank of sweat and cigarettes and sex and he smiled. Dwight would no doubt assume he’d had some girl in the room, would never ever suspect that for the past five hours he’d had his cock buried in their Dust-Off pilot’s ass. He contemplated going for a shower but then ended up giving himself a whore’s bath using the water from his canteen and a towel until most of the cum and saliva and lube was gone from his skin. Then he collapsed on the bed and was asleep almost before he put the light out.

***********

Jim came in the hooch quietly, treading with no sound as he made his way to his cot. He had just sat down and started undoing his laces when LJ’s head came up.

‘What the hell kind of time do you call this?’ he hissed and Jim chuckled and gave him the finger. ‘And you smell like a goddamn whorehouse.’

‘You’re the one that said I needed to let him in.’ he hissed back.

‘Not into your ass for the past…’ LJ checked his watch. ‘Jesus Christ, you two been fucking for the last five hours?’

‘Just ‘cause you can’t get it up anymore, old man.’ Jim replied, smiling like the cat who’d eaten the canary.

‘Yeah, well this old man needs his goddamn sleep.’ LJ muttered, lying back down.

‘Don’t make your problems, my problems.’ Jim replied and lay down. He lay there, smiling in the dark until sleep finally came and he drifted off into dreams filled with hazel eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from The House of The Rising Sun by The Animals. 
> 
> Headcanon totally says that Jim acts like a tiny adorable porn star when he gets fucked.


	9. Catch The Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some repercussions occur and Ross has to do something he's not so comfortable with.

Ross lay and listened to the rain. It was not the normal steady downbeat that he’d become accustomed to in the last three months. Instead it was irregular, driven by winds that threatened to blow the tin roofs off the hooches and made flying the bird even more treacherous than it normally did. To everyone who’d been in-country for a while it was not good news, the tropical storm that it heralded a cause for serious concern.

Except for one person of course.

He looked up at the ceiling and raised his cigarette to his lips. There was the steady plink-plink of drips that had infiltrated the far corner of the roof. Dwight had set up a bucket that he’d liberated from the hospital, and the water was collecting steadily as it continued to come down in a stream that seemed to be never-ending.

‘Godammit.’ Dwight was standing under the leak and watching the drips with a look of annoyance. ‘Maybe we should try and fix it.’

‘You can.’ Ross replied. ‘I am not standing on the roof and trying to hammer down another sheet in this weather. You can do it if you’re so damn worried.’ Dwight threw him a look and the finger and Ross chuckled.

‘It’s all right for you.’ he replied. ‘You can stay in bed until you have to go in.’

‘Maybe.’ Ross replied. He actually had other plans but he wasn’t about to tell Dwight what they were. He stayed in bed, waiting for Dwight to head off to the R & E and then got up. He stood and leaned in the open hooch doorway and looked out into the rain. The sky was dark grey, filled with clouds that galloped across the skyline and back again as the winds moved.

‘Hi.’ Demelza was coming along the walkway. Her copper hair was hidden under her floppy fatigue hat and she was wearing her slicker, water streaming off of it.

‘Morning.’ Ross smiled and stood back for her to come into the hooch, not closing the door behind her deliberately. The rumour mill was still in overdrive.

‘God, it’s awful out there.’ Demelza said, taking off her hat and shaking out her ponytail. ‘I came over to see if you wanted to go get breakfast.’

‘Sure.’ Ross replied. ‘I need to get showered and dressed.’

‘No problem.’ Demelza replied. ‘I’ll go get us a table.’ She smiled, reset her hat and went back out into the rain. Ross heard her squeal as the rain started coming down harder and grinned.

He grabbed his things and headed to the heads, taking his time as he contemplated his day. He was back on nights again, and that was a good thing because this was the first day in three weeks that he and Jim were both on the off rotation. Ross had very set plans about heading down to get Jim and convince him that an afternoon in his hooch recreating that night from three weeks before was the best way to spend their off time. Now he knew what he was missing, Ross found it beyond frustrating to have to go without it. He and Jim had barely seen each other, a theme that he was now used to although that didn’t make anything easier. What Ross now also knew was that he wanted to be with Jim, all the time. He wanted to see him at the end of rotation, drink beer and hang out. But he also wanted to have him close, pin him up against a wall and kiss him until they were breathless with it. He had needs now, a need to hear Jim breathe out of time and feel him shake under his hands and smell how his scent changed as he got aroused. It was giving him a fair number of dreams that should have become a cause for concern considering how salacious they were. Instead he’d had to settle for words through the bird’s window, if at all, and long stretches of not knowing. But today, today he would be able to be selfish and grab some much needed time alone with Jim. Ross had already made plans for them to be alone, carefully crafting a cover story about going across to the Americal Division Surgical Hospital to talk to some of the doctors there about projectile trauma and he would be doing that later. But that would mean he still had four hours that could be unaccounted for.

He got dressed and donned his own slicker and ran to the mess hall. He went in and saw that they had the far end shutter open and several people were leaning in the open window and looking out over the beach, Demelza among them. Curious about what they were doing, Ross crossed the room and joined them. Then he saw what they were looking at.

Down on the beach there was a small assembly of people, barely visible in storm rain. They were all standing in a huddle, looking out to sea and pointing occasionally. Not only that, but there was a collection of flat objects scattered round them on the sand. Ross followed their outstretched arms and then he saw that there were also people in the ocean. That surprised him. The storm was still a couple of days away, but the wind was strong enough that the normally placid sea was whipped up into a thick carpet of froth brought in on waves that were far bigger than Ross had ever seen in his time at the 91st. They were curling and breaking over themselves, spurred on by the bluff, and Ross watched as one of the figures popped up on their board and rode a wave in towards the shore, bouncing along until they came up over the crest and flew off into the water.

‘Crazy bastards.’ Someone muttered down the line of observers. Ross grinned, realising that maybe his plans for the afternoon were going to be changing. He moved out of the line and Demelza turned.

‘Where are you going?’ she asked and Ross smiled.

‘I’ll be back.’ he said. ‘Don’t eat all the bacon.’

‘I promise nothing.’ she replied, but her answering smile told him that she knew exactly where he was going. Ross jogged out, pulling the hood of his slicker over his head and then headed down to the pathway that would take him to the beach. The rain pelted him and his pants were soon soaked to the thigh but it was warm rain, an odd concept that he’d never had believed prior to coming to Vietnam. He made his way down the hill, slipping a bit as he got to the barbed wire and then going through the gap and starting his walk along the beach. As he got closer he could make out the lifeguard station and the knot of men standing watching the other surfers. They were all of a breed he realised, blond or sun-bleached hair slicked with rain to shades darker than normal. Quite a few of them were in t-shirts and baggies, one or two shirtless, and all conversing about the state of the waves. A few of them gave him a quizzical look as he arrived.

Ross realised that he knew none of these men, not even by sight and that meant they were probably marines from the other side. Then he heard a shrill whistle coming from the lifeguard station and looked in its direction, seeing a hand come up and wave him over. He jogged up the beach, boots sinking into the wet sand, and then saw that there were two people sitting under cover in the station, slickers on and cigarettes in hand. He went up the ramp and grinned when he got to them. It was LJ and Benny, all set up to make a day of it with a pack of sodas and a box stashed underneath LJ’s legs that looked like it was full of food. There was a transistor radio propped on the ledge that ran around the interior of the station and it was set to the official Army channel, the DJ going on about the storm conditions.

‘Doc.’ LJ said and waved a hand at the empty spot on the bench next to him. ‘Take a pew.’ He grinned and gestured at the box underneath his legs. ‘We’re hiding out here. Got all our necessities. Sandwiches, pop, Ding Dongs.’

‘Thanks.’ he replied. He sat down between him and Benny, who grinned and handed Ross a bottle of soda from the collection at his feet and under the bench.

‘Have you seen him?’ he asked and Ross looked out at the sea.

‘He’s in that?’ he asked and Benny nodded.

‘He was up and out like his ass was on fire this morning.’ he said. ‘Grabbed his board and headed down here. We thought we’d come down and see what the hell he was doing.’

‘There’s quite a collection out there.’ LJ said dryly. ‘Crazy bastards.’ Ross laughed at the echo of the words from the man earlier and moved so he was standing just under the eaves of the station. He stared out at the sea, looking amongst the bobbing figures for a blue and white board. He eventually spotted Jim, sitting out towards the far left and away from the main group that were all concentrated in the area in front of the life station. He was in a white t-shirt and Ross watched as he simply sat astride his board, riding the swells. Ross stared at him, smiling into the rain. After all Jim’s talk about surfing, it was interesting to see him actually doing it. He leaned against the shelter wall and took his cigarettes out. He lit one and smoked it slowly, his eyes glued to the solitary figure, only half listening to the song on the radio.

_In the chilly hours and minutes_  
_Of uncertainty_  
_I want to be_  
_In the warm hold of your loving mind._

_To feel you all around me_  
_And to take your hand_  
_Along the sand,_  
_Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind._

A long curling wave started at the far end of the northern bluff and Ross saw that Jim was now in an attitude of watchfulness, his head up and the tip of his board tilted up in front of him. He turned around to the right and then the wave moved underneath him and Ross saw him start to paddle with it. The wave was a good size, coming up fast and smooth. As it crested, Jim got to the top of it and he popped up easily, hands outstretched and perfectly balanced, knees bent and his profile low as he faced in towards the face of the wave, one hand reaching in to catch the water as he rode the wave out, just his fingertips glancing along the surface.

_When sundown pales the sky_  
_I want to hide a while_  
_Behind your smile,_  
_And everywhere I'd look, your eyes I'd find._

_For me to love you now_  
_Would be the sweetest thing,_  
_'T would make me sing,_  
_Ah, but I may as well try and catch the wind._

Ross smiled as he watched, lost in the graceful way Jim turned and twisted his board along the crest of the wave as it started to peter out, finally straightening up and then dropping back down astride it. His heart was light and full, spilling out over all his edges as he simply looked at the man he was now hopelessly in love with.

‘Goddammit, Benny.’ LJ was laughing behind him and Ross turned to see Benny doubled over at something that had been said, coughing frantically on a mouthful of soda. Ross grinned and went over, thumping him cheerfully on the back until Benny had recovered and then sat down again. In the distance he could see Jim was now lying back down on his board and was paddling back out to sea.

‘How long has he been in?’ he asked.

‘About two hours.’ LJ replied. ‘Boy won’t be coming in any time soon, so you may as well make yourself comfortable.’ He looked up at Ross. ‘You even get chow before you tore on down here?’

‘No.’ Ross said, still staring at where Jim was now ducking under a wave. ‘I left Dem in the mess hall and came right down.’

‘Christ’s sake.’ LJ said, his tone fond. ‘Here.’ He scratched in the box underneath him and bought out a couple of wax paper wrapped parcels and handed them to Ross. They turned out to be sandwiches, cadged from the mess hall and made with leftover roast chicken from dinner the night before and copious amounts of mayonnaise. ‘You growing boys need to eat.’

‘I’m not a growing boy.’ Ross laughed. ‘I’m a doctor, LJ.’ He grinned at him. ‘And you’re only three goddamn years older than me.’

‘Uh huh.’ LJ said. ‘Well, you and him been acting like a couple of teenage kids, so it’s kinda hard to tell.’ Ross laughed, and continued eating his sandwich.

An hour later, LJ and Benny admitted defeat. The winds had picked up and the waves were now churning and quite a lot bigger than they had been. Most of the surfers had taken their boards and gone back to the other bluff, but Jim and three others were still out on the waves.

Ross was alone in the station, watching as they tackled the swells. He was starting to appreciate the different ways each man rode, noting that Jim had a very athletic style that set him apart from the other three. His control of himself and his board on the waves was hypnotic and Ross was happy to sit and just watch, even after all the snacks were gone and his feet and fingers were going numb.

He checked his watch and realised he’d need to go up soon. It was almost two and he had other things he needed to get done, realising that his plans for he and Jim to spend their afternoon together were pretty much toast. The weird thing was that he didn’t really care. Sitting out here in the cold was surprisingly reminiscent of weekends at the sea in Massachusetts and Ross hadn’t done that for a very long time, his life for the three years before he’d come to Vietnam having been taken up with work and Elizabeth and social duties and wedding plans.

Sitting here now though, he started to daydream of another life. A life on a rugged coastline where it was sunny and beautiful in summer and stormy in winter, with maybe a little place they could call their own overlooking the sea where he could sit outside and watch Jim ride waves all day and then bring him back in at night, cold and goose-bumped from the water. Ross would kiss his mouth and make him smile as he put his arms around him to warm him up. Maybe he could find a little rural practice where he could tend to families and kids and old timers, drive a truck and have a couple of dogs. They would have a bed big enough to fit the two of them and lie tangled up in each other after it was dark. Maybe Jim could go back to college, finish his degree and be a teacher and they’d make enough money to live out their lives quietly and with no-one to judge them or tell them how they were doing something wrong.

‘Hey.’ Jim’s voice jolted Ross out of his thoughts and he looked down the ramp of the lifeguard station and saw Jim standing there, board under his arm.

‘Hey.’ he replied, smiling until his cheeks ached and momentarily thinking that LJ was right. This was worse than any silly crush he’d ever had as a teenager, but it came with the same butterflies in his stomach and pounding heart as he looked at Jim, breath-taking with wet hair and sparkling eyes. His white t-shirt was turned transparent by the water and it was even more erotic than if his skin had been bare, the sheer cotton skimming muscles and lines that made Ross want to drag him back to his hooch and do things to him.

‘How long you been there?’ Jim raised a hand and raked it through his hair, and the careless gesture made Ross’ heart skip.

‘Only about three hours.’ he replied, smiling at him. ‘I skipped breakfast for you, I’ll have you know.’

‘Asshole.’ Jim replied, his own smile as bright as Ross. ‘You’ll probably get sick from sitting out here all this time.’

‘Don’t care.’ Ross said, shoving his hands in his pockets. ‘Besides, you’re the head case that’s actually surfing.’

‘Maybe.’ Jim said. ‘It’s starting to get a little choppy now. The wind’s turned.’ He looked back at the other three people still sitting on the waves. ‘Not gonna be much fun in a while so I thought I’d come in.’

‘It looks the same to me.’ Ross frowned as he contemplated the waves.

‘Trust me.’ Jim said. ‘I grew up on the water. I can tell.’ He shifted. ‘You want to come hang out with me?’

‘No.’ Ross replied and grinned at the look he got. ‘Not when I got an empty hooch and four hours to kill.’

‘Jesus.’ Jim’s smile was back. ‘You got a one track mind, Doc.’

‘Like hell, I do.’ Ross retorted. ‘It’s been three goddamn weeks. My wrist is starting to wear out.’ Jim burst out laughing and nodded.

‘Fine.’ he said. ‘Give me an hour to get back and get dressed and I’ll see you up there.’

‘Nope.’ Ross got up and pulled his slicker over his head. ‘How about I walk you back and watch you shower and then we go back up.’

‘Pervert.’ Jim laughed. ‘Fine, come on.’

They walked back through the rain, Jim carrying his board balanced on his head and Ross with his down to stop the rain getting in his eyes. The white sand had turned to mud, thick and clinging to his boots and splattering Jim’s legs as they walked. The air was thick with the smell of vegetation and they traversed the buildings at the back of the runway and down towards the revetments. Ross watched as a bird took off over the roofs and looked at Jim.

‘I don’t know how you can fly in this.’ he said.

‘You get used to it.’ Jim replied. ‘You just gotta be more careful is all.’ He shifted the board slightly. ‘The fog is worse. You can’t see a damn thing and if you’re not careful, you’ll fly into the side of a mountain and not even see the damn thing until it’s too late.’

‘Has that ever happened to you?’ Ross asked, unable to stop himself even though the thought terrified him.

‘Once.’ Jim replied. ‘Right at the beginning. We were on a run up north and it was close.’ His smile was sharp. ‘You only do that once. Then you learn to be careful. More than one crew has gone down that way, and you learnt to judge just how far you can push things.’ It was a sentiment Ross could appreciate, the same applying in the emergency room. They were now at the hooches, walking down the line. A couple of young women came past them, water sluicing off their wide brimmed hats. Jim stepped aside to let them past and they stared at the board in interest, then carried on walking down the line of buildings.

The hooch came into sight and Ross went to hold the door open for Jim, letting him go in ahead and shucking his slicker as he stepped inside. There were some hooks next to the door and he hung it up to dry and then went to go help Jim hang his board up.

‘You going to go shower?’ he asked and Jim shook his head, peeling off his t-shirt.

‘No need in retrospect.’ he replied. ‘I just had one.’ He smiled at Ross and Ross smiled back. He looked around at the hooch, taking in the fact that they were alone and then looked back at Jim. Jim had his back to him and was taking off his baggies and that was when Ross got completely sidetracked from what he’d been thinking. It was light enough for him to see everything clearly, watching as Jim went to get a towel from the side of the scrap wood locker and started drying himself off.

Ross stared openly at him, his heart starting to speed up. He was used to the casual nudity that was a hallmark of the army, but this was Jim and his nakedness was loaded with all sorts of implications, the least of which that the last time he’d been naked in Ross’ presence had been the night they had been together, the night that Ross had realised he’d fallen in love with him. Now all he could think of was how Jim’s skin would feel if he crossed the space between them and touched it, what it would be like to put his hands on him and pull him close, kiss him and maybe do some of the things he’d been dreaming about since that night.

‘You’re staring again, Doc.’ Jim’s voice had that amused lilt and Ross realised that he definitely was. He looked away, blushing.

‘Sorry.’ he muttered. ‘I’m still getting used to this.’

‘It’s okay.’ Jim said. ‘I like the way you look at me.’ Ross turned back and saw that he was standing staring right back at him, his blue-green eyes unreadable. Then he chucked the towel on his cot and walked over to him and Ross’ heart went into overdrive and he could feel his body responding. He tried to fight it but when Jim stopped so there was barely a few inches of space between them, Ross knew it was a losing battle. He gave up and looked as much as he wanted to, noticing that Jim’s body was responding in the exact same way. It fascinated him and he looked him up and down, his breathing coming quicker. Then he remembered where he was and turned towards the door.

‘The others…’ he started but the words were cut off as Jim moved up against him and kissed him. Ross’ mind went blank, everything he was thinking evaporating in an instant. Jim’s mouth was cold and he still tasted salty, the clean ozoney scent of the ocean clinging to his skin. He reached out, hands on Jim’s shoulders, and then Jim had him pinned up against the locker, his mouth insistent for Ross let him in. He’d never ever thought he’d be in this position, but he was damned if he wasn’t going to enjoy it and he kissed back enthusiastically, hands going to the sides of Jim’s neck to hold him still as the it deepened beyond a point where they could pretend it was anything close to tame. Eventually though, they had to come up for air and they were both breathless when they did.

‘Fuck.’ Jim rested his forehead against him. ‘I’ve been trying not to think about you so much but it’s so goddamn hard.’ He looked up at Ross and the clinical part of Ross’ brain noted the pupillary dilation and flush that ran along his cheekbones.

‘I know.’ He could hear how his own voice was shaking. ‘I think about you all the time.’

‘We don’t have long.’ Jim said. ‘The others could come back.’ His hands were on Ross’ belt, unbuckling and then undoing his pants. ‘I want you now.’

‘But…’ Ross started and then moaned aloud when Jim’s hand went down the front of his pants and wrapped around his cock. He dropped his head to Jim’s bare shoulder, heat flaring through him. ‘Oh God…’

‘We don’t have to do that.’ Jim was panting now, hand working. ‘We can do this.’ He had worked Ross’ pants down far enough to expose him and Ross stared as he spat into his palm a couple of times and then moved in really close, taking both of them in his hand. Ross whined at the friction of Jim’s cock against his own, stupidly aroused and almost ready to blow. He dug his fingers into Jim’s shoulders and held on as Jim started to move his hand. It felt so unbelievably good that he had to bite his lip to keep from shouting and he looked down at Jim, their eyes locking. It was intense, almost to the point where it hurt to look at him, but Ross couldn’t look away. Instead he leaned down and kissed Jim frantically. Jim kissed back with equal fervour, both of them getting lost in it. His other hand was against Ross chest, twisting in his shirt. Ross inhaled noisily through his nose and then he reached down with one hand, placing it over Jim’s and Jim moaned into his mouth and their fingers intertwined. That just kicked everything up a notch. Ross could feel the slickness of them both, the shaking of Jim’s body as he went taut and then the sticky heat on his hand. It was enough to drag his climax right out of him, the stifled cry sounding like it was coming from far away as the blood pounded in his ears. They separated and Ross glanced down, feeling a little thrill at the white on their still linked fingers. Jim was breathing hard, lips parted and bruised from kissing. He looked beautiful, his eyes far too bright. He leaned in and Ross accepted the kiss, this one feather soft and lingering.

‘Thank you.’ It was out before he could stop himself and Jim pulled back in surprise.

‘Why thank you?’ he asked, his voice rough with emotion. ‘You think I don’t want this every bit as much as you do?’ He smiled. ‘I wasn’t kidding when I said I think about you too much.’ He reached up with his clean hand and cupped Ross’ cheek. ‘You have no idea what you do to me, Ross.’

‘I’d like to find out.’ Ross said. Jim raised his eyebrows and then started to laugh, low and soft. He glanced down and Ross followed his gaze and then started laughing too. Jim let them go and stepped away from him, going to the bed and cleaning himself off with the towel and then chucking it at Ross.

‘You’d better get cleaned up.’ he said and Ross followed his direction and straightened himself up while Jim dug out dry clothes and got dressed. When he was done he got up from the cot and Ross was about to make his suggestion that they head up to the hospital when the door to the hooch slammed open and Flint came barrelling in, scaring the bejeezus out of Ross.

‘Good, you’re here.’ he said. ‘Come on. Sixty-Eight’s just come in all shot to shit. They need us to get in rotation. Apparently all kinds of shit is going down up Da Nang way.’

‘Christ.’ Jim said, grabbing his jacket from the locker. ‘On my way.’ That was when Flint stopped and suddenly seemed to notice that Ross was standing there. He gave them a funny look but didn’t say anything else as he left the same way he’d come in. Jim shrugged into his jacket and then looked at Ross, coming over for a lightning quick kiss.

‘I’ll catch you later, Doc.’ he said and Ross nodded and then watched as he ran out into the rain and headed for the revetment. He stood there alone and then heard the sound of a siren going off and knew that meant that Jim would be in the air very soon. He sighed and turned back to look at Jim’s corner, then left and started his slow and very wet walk back up to the 91st.

**********

Jim climbed into Susie, strapping in and putting his helmet on. Behind him Benny came to lean between the seats and thumped him once on the helmet in greeting. Flint was still outside talking to one of the ground crew. Jim got the engines started and watched for LJ. He came out the Ops hut and jogged through the rain, then got into his side. Flint closed his door and then climbed in the back.

‘Where to?’ Jim asked and LJ gave him the heading.

‘It’s bad.’ he said. ‘Everyone’s out.’

‘How’s Sixty-Eight?’ Jim asked.

‘Okay.’ Benny replied. ‘RJ got one in the arm and the whole damn bird looks like the thing my mom uses to make spatzel, but nobody got zapped.’

‘Thank fuck for that.’ Jim replied, bringing Susie off the ground. He banked and turned in the direction of their heading and they took off into the rain.

**********

Ross got back to the hooch still lost in his head and soaked through. Dwight was on his bed when he came in. That took Ross by surprise and he was suddenly glad that he hadn’t been able to bring Jim back with him. The last thing he needed was Dwight catching them.

‘Hi.’ he said. ‘I thought you were on shift?’

‘I was.’ Dwight said. ‘But Anderson wanted volunteers to pull some time tonight. He thinks this offensive is going to go on until tomorrow, so we’re in for a heavy night of it.’ He peered at Ross over the book he was reading. ‘Where the hell have you been? It’s damn near flooding out there.’

‘Nowhere in particular.’ Ross replied, skirting around the issue as casually as he could.

‘Dem said you went down to the beach.’ Dwight said.

‘Yeah.’ Ross went to his locker and got out some dry clothes then started stripping out of his wet ones. He kept his back turned to Dwight, the memory of Jim’s hands on him raging around in his head. Behind him, Dwight sat up.

‘Ross?’ he asked. ‘You okay?’

‘Yeah.’ Ross still didn’t turn around. ‘Why?’

‘No reason.’ Dwight was smiling. ‘Who is she?’ That got Ross’ attention and he spun around, his eyes wide.

‘Who?’ he asked, fighting to keep his voice steady.

‘That chick you’re obviously banging.’ Dwight sounded smug. ‘I’m not stupid. You disappear for a few hours, you’re cagey about where you were and you look like you just got laid. You’re wearing that same stupid grin you had that night I was in R & E and came back to a hooch that smelled like a bachelor party with too many strippers.’ He looked at Ross as if measuring him up. ‘What is she, a nurse?’

‘Not exactly.’ Ross was desperately trying to come up with a cover story. ‘It’s kind of complicated.’

‘Yeah?’ Dwight’s expression changed to one of open curiosity. ‘She married?’

‘I’d really rather not say.’ Ross knew he was completely giving himself away by this point. Dwight laughed.

‘You sly dog.’ He grinned. ‘Is she a fox?’ His infectious enthusiasm made Ross smile in return, thinking of blue-green eyes and a body that drove him insane with want.

‘A stone fox.’ he replied. ‘The goddamn foxiest.’

‘Good for you.’ Dwight said. ‘Well don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.’

‘Thank you.’ Ross replied. ‘I’d kinda like to keep it quiet. You know what this place is like.’

‘Scout’s honour.’ Dwight said and saluted him.

They spent their last few hours of freedom smoking and chatting and listening to the music the Army station had on repeat. At seven they headed down to the R & E to get stuck in for the night shift, stopping to eat at the mess hall and then going through their handover with the day shift. Unfortunately that meant having to interact with Warleggan and Ross spent all his time trying not to roll his eyes as he and Dwight were roundly patronised by him as he went through the cases that had come in that rotation. Thankfully the appearance of Anderson chased him off. Anderson was the authority, all Warleggan’s bluster completely bouncing off of him, and he quickly had them all set for the evening rotation. Ross couldn’t help but notice though that his obvious lack of enthusiasm hadn’t dented Warleggan’s smug manner. In fact he seemed downright gleeful, giving Ross looks that set his teeth on edge. Finally he left and Dwight came over to get him for the their first set of rounds in the recovery wards and as they walked Ross was suddenly aware that now it was Dwight was giving him a sidelong look.

‘Is it Morgan Porter?’ he asked and Ross raised his eyebrows at him.

‘Is who Morgan Porter?’ he asked, a little confused and Dwight grinned.

‘You know…’ He dropped his voice. ‘Her.’

‘Her?’ Ross took a second to understand what he meant and then went red. ‘No. of course not.’

‘It’s just you said she was married.’ Dwight said.

‘I didn’t say she was married.’ Ross replied. ‘I said it was complicated.’

‘Which means married.’ Dwight replied. ‘So if it’s not her, then who is it?’

‘No-one.’ Ross hissed. ‘Jesus, can we talk about this later?’ He was now at the end of the ward and desperately hoping that Dwight would just drop it.

‘Sure.’ Dwight sounded a little mystified as to Ross’ reluctance but he did as Ross asked and didn’t mention it again as they went through their rounds.

The evening was quiet, the rain seeming to have put a dampener on action out in the boonies in spite of the I Corps offensive currently in action. Ross was working on a case of severe dyspepsia in an eighty year old village woman when he noticed that Dwight was watching him again, but now he looked concerned rather than curious. Not only that, but a couple of the nurses were eyeing him up and then whispering in corners. Once he was done and had handed off the woman to Dem to go to the dispensary, he decided to confess that he was having some sort of fling with a local girl and be done. He walked over to where Dwight was helping Caroline restock the surgical units in the triage room. Dwight noticed him and came over, intercepting him.

‘We need to talk.’ he said, his voice pitching low. Ross frowned. He followed Dwight to one of the stock rooms and Dwight closed the door behind them.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, suddenly very wary. The look on Dwight’s face was completely at odds with what it had been earlier.

‘I may have mentioned to Caro that you’ve been…well…seeing someone.’ he said and Ross inhaled sharply.

‘Dwight…’ he started and Dwight held up both hands in a mollifying manner.

‘I know.’ he said. ‘I’m sorry. But you’re going to be real happy I did.’

‘Why?’ Ross folded his arms, his defensive barriers already coming down. This was turning into a shitstorm he didn’t need.

‘This is going to sound ridiculous.’ Dwight said. ‘And you’re going to be royally pissed, but I need to tell you. There’s been certain…rumours going around.’

‘I already know about those.’ Ross said dismissively. ‘And everyone knows there’s nothing in them. Dem’s with Flint.’

‘Not those ones.’ Dwight said. He was very serious and Ross felt a lurch in his stomach.

‘Then what?’ he asked and suddenly Dwight looked stricken, like he’d rather be anywhere but where he was.

‘I know they’re not true.’ he said. ‘And I told Caro so myself. She also knows it, but a couple of the nurses are talking. Seems that Elaine has a little bit of a thing for you and she happened to mention it the other night at the club in front of Warleggan.’

‘Yeah?’ Ross was still waiting with bated breath, the lurch now a dull pit of dread in his gut.

‘He said…’ Dwight paused, hands on hips and his head down. ‘Fuck Ross…this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard and the fact that he’s even saying it is making me madder than hell.’

‘What did he say?’ Ross spaced the words out to hide his own anger and fear.

‘He told her she was wasting her time because he saw someone coming out of the hooch the morning after I worked the late rotation.’ Dwight actually looked embarrassed and Ross wondered if it was for himself or Ross. ‘And that the person he saw wasn’t a woman.’

It was like every fear Ross had had was now becoming reality in front of him.

‘Not a woman.’ He found himself stupidly repeating. ‘Well, if it wasn’t a woman then what the hell was it?’ he knew he was being sharp with Dwight but he was so scared and furious that right at that moment he didn’t care how the fuck he sounded.

‘Don’t make me say it.’ Dwight said and he sounded like there was a little bit of a plea hidden behind his words. ‘It’s not true, is it?’

For one crazy moment Ross contemplated telling him the truth, throwing everything in and revealing himself to the man that was the best friend he had at the 91st bar Demelza. He and Dwight had arrived together and been through some hellish nights working at each other’s sides, had shared stories and bucked each other up on those rotations where they’d seen enough blood and death to last a lifetime. He didn’t want to lose that, especially over something like this.

‘No.’ he said, looking Dwight right in the eyes. ‘It’s not.’

************

The rain and wind were almost at storm levels now, the night so black and the fog and cloud so thick that even the spotlights from the airfield could hardly penetrate it. Jim was almost convinced that nothing would be happening, but true to form the goddamn siren went off and they ran to the revetment in the driving rain, all of them soaked through by the time they were all in and Susie was in the air. The co-ordinates he’d picked up from Ortiz were sending them north and Jim’s mind was a buzz of activity even as he took the bird up and into the dark. He decided not to follow the normal procedure of flying below the 1000 foot mark and instead he took her up and up until she was at 4000 feet, enough to make sure the weather was mitigated by the altitude. Once at the site he would lower down until he could land, if that was an option. It was a strategy that Bardy had come up with in response to his own night flights, having tested on himself and his crew before teaching it to his pilots, along with a few other tricks that Jim would be making use of on this particular mission.

‘Patrol, this is Five-One.’ LJ said. ‘We are on route to you now, ETA twenty minutes. Can we have a casualty report and what is your security, over.’ The answering transmission was patchy.

‘Five-One we are currently secure, over.’ The radioman said. ‘But be advised that we are in heavy rain and the clearing we are in could be compromised anytime by the conditions. We got as far up as we could but this is so goddamn thick we don’t even know if where we said we are is where we are. We have seven casualties to pick up, two urgent and five routine.’

‘Copy that.’ LJ said. He looked at Jim. ‘Shit.’ Jim didn’t reply. The darkened cockpit was only marginally easier to see in that outside, the illumination of the instrument lights the only thing they could see by. He also had the rotor light on, a seemingly useless gesture in the current conditions but Jim would rather have anything he could get. He was a veteran of more night flights than he could count, but these were easily the worst conditions he’d ever flown in and he was taking it slow, relying purely on his instruments to take him up and towards the LZ, aware that they would be the difference between life and death in these kinds of conditions and that he couldn’t let his focus stray even for a second. The course LJ had plotted took them in over the jungle, the only illumination the occasional distant glow of artillery fire far below them. In front of them was a line of invisible mountains

‘Secure, my ass.’ Flint said, looking out the window.

‘Co-ords put them further up.’ Jim replied. ‘We should be clear.’ Something else occurred to him though and he patched through to the radioman. ‘Patrol this is Five-One. What are your immediate surroundings, over?’

‘What do you mean, over?’ The radioman replied and Jim bit back a frustrated sigh.

‘Are you on a mountain or flat ground?’ he asked and there was a moment of silence.

‘We’re on a ridge, between two peaks.’ the radioman eventually replied. Jim cut the transmission, his stomach sinking clear down to his boots at that news.

‘Motherfucker.’ he said and LJ nodded in agreement. Even finding the ridge without flying into a mountainside was tricky in the dark, let alone landing in a clearing that was probably so small the bird would barely fit in. Throw in a tropical storm and you had all the elements for a fine way to commit suicide on your hands.

‘Aw hell.’ Flint quipped. ‘I was tired of living anyhow.’

‘Don’t say that.’ Benny admonished. ‘You got plenty to live for.’

‘You’re right.’ Flint said and then he laughed. ‘Shit. Just my luck.’

‘Why?’ LJ asked and Flint snorted.

‘I did it.’ he said. ‘You bastards and all your goddamn talk at Christmas. I wrote my mom and asked her to send me my grandma’s ring. It got here today.’

‘What?’ LJ turned in his seat. ‘You’re gonna ask her?’

‘I’m gonna ask her.’ Flint replied. ‘If we make it through this damn mission in one piece.’

‘Way to lay the pressure on, man.’ Jim said, but he was smiling. ‘You should have said something.’

‘Nah.’ Flint said. ‘Never jinx anything if you can help it.’

‘Well now.’ LJ turned to Jim. ‘Looks like you’re gonna have to fly your ass off. We can’t have him proposin’ if he’s dead.’

‘Fuck.’ Jim laughed. ‘You bastards.’ He banked the bird and brought her in over the darkness in front of them, taking the bird up a little higher until they hit six thousand feet and the likelihood of flying into one of the rocky outcrops was minimised. It was a another technique that Brady had pioneered and then taught to his pilots. Jim followed his instruments, using every bit of skill and instinct he possessed as they started to traverse the mountainous terrain beneath them to try and set himself up to circle around the co-ordinates he’d been given and praying they were the right ones. His FM tracker would zero in on the signal from the patrol’s radio and hopefully guide him right in.

‘How the hell are we gonna find them in this?’ LJ. ‘I can’t see jack shit.’

Jim thought as he flew and then an idea occurred to him. He changed frequencies and sent out a transmission. Thankfully he got a reply. He set Susie in a continuous circle, bringing them around the LZ until they heard the sound of another craft far above them and then something came down through the darkness and rain, bringing with it a light that was strong enough to penetrate right down to the ground. The aircraft he’d radioed was a flare ship, able to drop parachute flares that would do the job he needed. It was another of Brady’s techniques that he’d used to superb effect.

Jim circled the flare, using it as a beacon to guide him down to the ground, the brilliant golden light almost ethereal as he followed it down, keeping Susie at right angles and looking out his side window instead of the greenhouse. He kept a sharp eye out for anything that resembled a crag or outcrop, but all he could see was trees below him which meant he was over the ridge. He also killed his tail light and the instrument panel lights. Now came the really tricky part, flying down through the thick cloud and driving rain that made it difficult to see. It was nervewracking, and Jim steeled himself as he descended. It was like they were trapped in a hazy ball of light as they came down, surreal and completely disorientating, when suddenly it broke. Susie descended below the clouds and down here it was just the rain. Now Jim could see a lot better, and he caught sight of some thin white beams of light coming from a just visible gap in the trees, flashlights being shone by the patrol below. He bought Susie in over them and now he could make out the clearing, noticing that it was crisscrossed with felled trees.

‘I can’t come down.’ he said to LJ. ‘I’m gonna have to hover.’

‘Copy that.’ LJ said and then contacted the radioman. ‘Patrol we are on your six. Make sure your men are standing and ready to load.’

‘Copy that Dustoff.’ The radioman sounded beyond relieved. ‘We are mighty glad to see y’all.’

Jim brought Susie into a hover. He didn’t turn on his landing lights, knowing it was too risky. Thankfully there was enough to go on from the flare and Flint and Benny threw open the side door and Jim could just see men starting to melt out of the darkness with their wounded. He kept the bird level, no mean feat even at this altitude, and waited as the two litter cases and five more men were loaded into the bird, Flint and Benny helping to haul them up before Benny got to work on the two urgent cases. Flint slammed the door closed and gave him the okay and Jim pulled back on the cyclic and lifted Susie clear of the trees. He banked her and brought her around and flew under the clouds towards the base, thanking all his lucky stars that it had been a fairly routine pick up.

‘Hot damn.’ Flint said. ‘Looks like I might make it through after all.’ He was kneeling on the deck of the bird with Benny, following his instructions.

‘Yeah.’ LJ was smiling. ‘No chickening out now.’

‘How you gonna do it?’ Benny asked, managing to somehow focus on his patient and ask questions at the same, displaying a level of concentration he only managed on a mission.

‘I’ll need to come up with something real special.’ Flint said.

‘You leave that to us.’ LJ sounded like he was already nursing a fine idea. He caught Jim’s eye and Jim sighed and shook his head at him. This could only mean being wrangled in to help, not that he minded.

It might even be fun.

***********

‘Fifty-One’s coming in.’ Anderson said as he came through from his office where the CB was. ‘They’ve got two urgents and five routines for us. The urgents are artillery trauma so not real pretty. One traumatic amputation and one belly wound.’

‘Dibs on the belly.’ Dwight said cheerfully. Since their little chat and Ross’ blatant lie, he’d gone back to his normal happy self. Ross felt awful lying, but he had no choice.

‘Fine.’ Anderson hesitated. ‘Oh by the way, Ross. Your leave’s come through. It’s been approved.’ He moved off to go and alert the OR team and Ross was left with a sinking feeling. He’d asked for the leave on a whim after Jim telling him about his plans to go to Bali. He’d harboured a hope that it would be given and he could go with him, a week alone together too good an opportunity to pass up.

‘You asked for leave?’ Demelza said and he nodded. ‘Where are you going?’

‘Nowhere.’ he replied and walked off, leaving her watching him with a worried look. She followed him to the doorway, her blue eyes filled with concern and then came to stand outside under the eaves while he lit a cigarette, passing it to her before he did the same for himself.

‘What’s wrong?’ she asked, lowering her voice.

‘Warleggan saw Jim leaving my hooch.’ he said, not bothering to hide his unhappiness. ‘He’s told one of the nurses about it and she told Caroline and Caroline told Dwight and I just had to lie to his face and tell him that Warleggan’s full of shit.’ He inhaled deeply, blowing the smoke out in an angry cloud. ‘I hate fucking lying.’

‘I know.’ Demelza said, her own voice full of sympathy. ‘But you have no choice, you know that.’

‘Fuck.’ Ross leaned back against the wall. ‘That son of a bitch!’ He felt like he would have hit Warleggan if he'd been standing in front of him.

‘Did he know it was Jim?’ Dem asked.

‘I don’t think so.’ Ross rubbed at his temple with the heel of his hand. ‘This is making my fucking head hurt.’

‘Just play it cool.’ Demelza said. ‘He’s fishing, trying to rile you up. He’s a dick.’

‘Yeah, but this isn’t just anything, Dem.’ Ross felt the sick feeling in his stomach again. ‘This could ruin me. And him.’

‘So you deny everything.’ Demelza said. ‘You bluff it out. He has no proof. So what if he saw a man leaving your hooch. You and Jim were having a late night poker game.’ She shrugged. ‘Nothing wrong with that and I should know. I was there and I cleaned both of you little leaguers out.’ The conspiratorial smile she gave him made Ross feel a little better. He killed his cigarette and was about to go in when he heard it. Demelza went back inside to tell Anderson and Dwight and Ross stared up into the rain, the Huey’s landing light finally penetrating the darkness and fog. He ran out into the rain as Flint and Benny got the door open and started helping unload. Behind him, several GMOs came out to help carry the stretcher cases and Ross went to the window. Jim lowered it and he took one look at Ross and frowned.

‘You okay?’ he asked, and Ross felt his heart skip at how Jim could read him after only three months. He looked into Jim’s eyes and felt love well up inside him and decided that this was worth any price he had to pay. ‘You look pissed.’

‘Not anymore.’ he said and got a flicker of dimples before Dwight called him and he had to go and assist. He gave Jim one last look, their gazes locking and all kinds of things passing between them in that single glance. Then he stepped back and went to follow the others inside, the sound of Susie taking off behind him filling his ears and taking his heart with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from Catch The Wind by Donovan.


	10. Lady Madonna

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ross returns to the orphanage.

_Dear Verity_

_I hope this finds you well and still enjoying married life. I can’t believe it has been almost six months since I came here, it seems far too surreal. Things have been quiet so far this month, which is good and bad. The storm in April caused a lot of damage so there’s been time to fix everything up and get back to normal (ha ha) but on the other hand it makes the days longer and drags them out so I guess I’m not sure which I like better. You will be pleased to hear that Dwight and I have finally fixed the roof of the hooch and so at least we’re dry._

_I also got the film developed (finally I can hear you saying) so I’m sending you some snaps of what everything around here looks like and see who I’ve been talking to you about since I got here. They’re a nice bunch of people at the 91st more or less, and I can say I count a few of them as friends that I hope to keep for a very long time. In retrospect, I was extremely lucky to be posted here. You hear stories from other Evacuation hospitals and they are in places where it’s far worse conditions. There are three photos and I’ve written the names on the back so you can see who’s who. The men with the helicopter are the crew of Dustoff Fifty-One which is one of our air ambulances. LJ is the one of the far right. He’s a teacher like you and I think you’d like him an awful lot. Flint is the one in the t-shirt and he’s the one going with Demelza. The one on the far left is Benny, who’s their medic and a really bright sweet kid. He’s got the most amazing talent for medicine and I’m going to do my damndest to see if we can get him in our residency programme once he’s finished with college. The one in the middle is Jim. He’s their pilot and_

Ross stopped writing, trying to think of what he wanted to say about the man staring out of the snapshot at him. It had been a hot day and Jim was standing with Flint’s arm around his shoulders, all four of them in a line up in front of Susie and smiling for the camera like they were just four guys at a barbeque and not stuck in a humid sticky godforsaken corner of a foreign country Ross was increasingly starting to think they had no business being in. He was shirtless and not wearing his sunglasses for once and Ross just stared at him, smiling as he thought about that day. It had been a good one, few runs and fewer casualties and they had ended up in the club drinking and smoking until he and Jim had headed back up the hill. Dwight had been on call that evening and they’d had the hooch to themselves for a couple of hours.

Now Ross sat and looked out over the sea and let his thoughts drift. He’d come out onto the grassy ledge to sit at one of the benches and write his letters home, enjoying a break in the rainy weather and taking in the sun. So much had happened to him and happened between him and Jim since that day he’d stepped off the freedom bird and headed for Chu Lai. It sometimes felt like a whole lifetime had passed, that Ross'been transformed and that the person he was now would be unrecognisable to his family and the other people he’d left behind. He reached for the snapshot in question and lifted it off the table, honing in on Jim’s smile, brilliant even in the grainy photograph. That night had left them both starry-eyed and delirious with the happiness they were now grabbing with both hands, no longer caring if it would end well or crush them both. It felt like they had become addicted to each other, their feelings making them punch drunk and unable to even pretend that they didn’t care. Even Ross' fears that their second time wouldn’t live up to their first had been unfounded. It had been incredible, both of them so pent up that it had been explosive. They had taken each other to dizzying heights and then happily jumped off the cliff together, hand in hand and screaming all the way down. If he closed his eyes, Ross could recreate almost every detail – the sound of Jim’s heavy breathing, the way his body tightened around Ross as he got close to coming, the taste of his sweat licked from between heaving shoulders.

He closed his eyes, losing himself in his daydream until a shadow fell across his face and he realised someone was talking to him. Ross opened his eyes and looked up to see Dwight standing in front of him, a grin on his face.

‘You awake in there?’ he asked, sitting down opposite him. Ross returned the smile and casually slipped the snapshot back between the sheets of paper in front of him.

‘Not really.’ he replied. ‘It’s kind of nice out here.’

‘It is.’ Dwight turned and looked out over the sea behind him. ‘For a change.’ He turned back. ‘What you doing?’

‘Writing to Verity.’ Ross replied. He’d been worried that Warleggan’s little stunt would make things awkward between them, but once he’d reassured Dwight that it wasn’t true, it had all gone back to normal. He still felt a twinge of guilt at having to lie to Dwight but Jim had agreed with what he’d done, pointing out that for people in their position it was the only sensible course of action. They couldn’t risk being found out, the consequences too dire for either of them to contemplate if it got back to brass and they came under investigation. Thankfully, Warleggan had backed off since that night Ross had found out and he could only assume that Dwight had had a hand in it, something he was extremely grateful for. He now ignored Ross at every turn, which was an unexpected benefit.

Even so, it wasn’t a time to start letting things slip so Ross had been playing his cards close to his chest. He hadn’t divulged any details of his upcoming leave, deciding to let everyone think he was going back to the States to see Elizabeth to try and sort things out. No-one knew that he was going to Bali with Jim except for the crew and Demelza. Jim was being equally low key about what he was doing and they were taking separate routes out to Da Nang where they would hook up later and then catch the first of their flights out before getting their connection to the island later in the day. Ross had left the organisation to Jim, just paying in his share for the flights and their accommodation. Jim had written to Janet, the woman who ran the place they would be staying. It wouldn’t be much, just a timber shack on the beach with the barest facilities, but it would be theirs for seven days and they would have the kind of privacy that Ross could only dream of on the base – space to dream and be together, to touch whenever he wanted, to kiss and not have to pretend that they were just friends. Janet had written back, happy to have them and assuring Jim that the waves were in fine form and that they were pretty much isolated. She hadn’t asked any questions about their arrangements and Ross had been heartened by her lack of interest. They wouldn’t have to see anyone, only having to go up to the main house for meals and he was looking forward to it immensely.

So what are you up to tonight?' Dwight asked. He and Caroline were going to the USO and asked him along earlier, but Ross had demurred. He knew they had only done it to be polite and was more than happy to give them their space.

‘I’m heading down the hill.’ he replied. ‘Callaghan’s got a card game going.’

‘I don’t know how you play with those sharks.’ Dwight laughed. ‘Guess that means you’ll be late?’ He couldn’t quite hide his hopeful tone. Ross laughed.

‘Yeah, I’ll be late.’ he said with a smile. ‘You and Caro have the place to yourselves.’

‘Thanks.’ Dwights’s smile was broad. ‘I owe you one, man.’

‘No problem.’ Ross said. He shook a cigarette out and lit it, hiking one foot up onto the bench and inhaling deeply. ‘You get your assignment for tomorrow?’

‘Yeah.’ Dwight stole one of his cigarettes and did the same. ‘In the R & E. You?’

‘I pulled the orphanage.’ Ross said and Dwight frowned.

‘Isn’t that kind of hairy right now?’ he asked. ‘I thought they’d steer clear of there until the fighting dies down a bit.’ Ross shrugged.

‘They’re sending a patrol with us.’ he replied. ‘The only shitty thing is that Warleggan’s going with me.’

‘Damn.’ Dwight said and then chuckled. ‘Can’t you get Jim to drop his ass off over the sea somewhere.’

‘I would if Jim was flying us.’ Ross replied. ‘But Fifty-One’s on first rotation tomorrow, so they’re picking up all the combat call outs. We’ve got RJ flying us out.’

‘Pity.’ Dwight said and they laughed together.

**********

It was much later that afternoon when Ross got ready to head down the hill, extra cigarettes in his pockets and a bottle of whisky under his arm. He walked slowly, enjoying the last of the sun as it started to dip below the horizon, the sky already starting to turn inky blue at the edges. When he got to the Dust-Off units, he found the men not on duty engaged in a game of basketball. Even Jim, not really known for his interest in the sport, was on the hard packed dirt area they used as a court, shirt off and guarding Benny which was possibly the most ridiculous thing Ross had ever seen. He got to the side and leaned against a pile of sandbags. Callaghan was sitting on the pile and he grinned and reached into a bucket next to him and took out a remarkably cold beer and handed it to him. Next to him they had a transistor radio propped up and it was playing the Beatles.

‘How you doin’ Doc?’ he asked and Ross took the beer and hopped up next him.

‘Good.’ he replied, punching the top with the opener he’d been handed and then giving it back. ‘What’s the score?’

‘No fucking idea.’ Callaghan laughed. ‘I’m drunk as a skunk and have no interest in keeping score.’

They sat and watched until time was called and Jim trotted over, smile lighting up his face when he saw Ross.

‘Hey.’ he said, coming to lean against the sand bags. ‘You’re early.’

‘And you’re a terrible basketball player.’ Ross countered and got a flash of blue-green. ‘What the hell was that out there?'

‘Blow me.’ Jim replied, stealing Ross cigarette from his fingers. ‘Just ‘cause you’re a fucking bean pole.’

Ross laughed, his heart filling up like it did every time they were together now. He hopped off the sandbags and followed Jim back to the hooch, after promising to be back at the club for the aforementioned card game. The other crew were already in the hooch and arguing about how Flint should propose to Demelza. It had been three weeks since Jim had told him about Flint getting his grandmother’s ring, but he was dragging his heels over how to do it.

‘Just ask the damn girl.’ LJ was saying as they walked in. ‘By the time you figure out how the hell you want to do it, you’ll both be seventy and the only option will be to ask her over stewed prunes.’ Benny seemed to find this hilarious and started snorting with laughter.

‘Well, I am a perfectionist.’ Flint countered. ‘I can’t just do it any old how.’ He looked at Ross. ‘How the hell did you do it?'

‘Family dinner.’ Ross replied, pulling a face. ‘But I may not be a good role model for this particular situation.’ He caught Jim’s eye and grinned. ‘Especially seeing as how it’s ended up.’

‘Yeah.’ LJ’s tone was dry but his eyes were twinkling. ‘Seeing how.’

They got set to go and walked the short distance to the club. It had been subject to a series of improvements, the units combination of light fingers and carpentry skills providing materials and the skills needed to create something that was now the envy of quite a few other units on the base. Their sign was now painted properly, and the inside resembled something that could actually be referred to as a club, rather than an improvised place they just happened to drink in. The table at the back that had served as a bar had been replaced by an actual bar and shelving that held their collection of glasses and more bottles than they could actually work their way through. The had rerouted some cables to provide power for the three small fridges that sat behind the bar and kept their beers cold, and the dazzling array of bottles testified to the unit’s tradition that anyone that went on leave was tasked with finding the strangest and strongest form of alcohol they could and bringing it back.

There were also tables and chairs, liberated from various sources, and a couple of low couches built against the walls. A huge unit flag was strung from the rafters over the bar itself and there were even a few pot plants, carefully lifted from various offices around the base, that decorated the corners. The strings of coloured lights were still in situ, but they had been added to. In all the effect was rather impressive and great when you were high and could just stare into them for hours.

Sixty-Eight was assembled, with the exception of Cooper who was chasing girls down at the USO. Callaghan had his cards out and was doing a one-handed shuffle with them. They were greasy and almost worn through in places but he’d had them since Korea and always played with them. Kellerman and RJ had their chips on the table, another victim of crime from a casino in Bangkok, and Ross dug his out his pocket and stacked them on the table in front of where he would be sitting and then went over to hand off the bottle of whisky and pick up a beer. The honour system in place meant that anyone coming to drink simply had to put in as well, a situation that suited everyone fine. The steady stream of high end alcohol that he got from Joshua and a guilt-ridden Francis was enough to hold him in good credit with the 54th for a long time. It was the same with the card games, each man paying up what he owed come pay day, although they kept the stakes deliberately small to account for everyone’s financial situation. Ross had been surprised to find a lot of guys sent pay home. Ortiz was married and had three young children and almost all his money went back to his family in New Mexico. The real money games were held over at the Stingers’ club, but Ross tried to avoid those. He wasn’t immune to the lure of semi-organised gambling (it kind of ran in the family) but it helped that Jim wasn’t that invested and only really played when he was bored. Ross tended not to wander far from him and so he almost always ended up playing with 68 and 81.

‘Ante up, gentlemen.’ Callaghan said around his cigarette. ‘Aces are wild.’

‘So’s your hair, Joe.’ Kellerman laughed. Callaghan’s iron grey mop had a tendency to suddenly grow out overnight. ‘You need to get down to the barber before Brady hands you your ass.’ The cards were dealt and the game started. People would drift in and out as they came and went and three hours later, Ross was fourteen dollars up and the table had acquired three new players from the new bird 58. They were all horribly young and fresh faced, and Ross found himself laughing as they recounted their tales of near misses, all told with breathless enthusiasm. It seemed strange to him that they were all in their teens, barely out of high school. He had noticed that there was a running theme with them, most of the men in the unit coming from humble working class origins and it reminded him that he was by all accounts the one with the highest level of education there. He looked across the room at where Jim was sprawled on one of the couches reading a copy of The Island of Dr Moreau and smoking a joint that LJ had handed him. It amazed Ross that Jim was able to concentrate like he did when he was high. All it did was make him fuzzy headed and giggly as a teenage kid, but it seemed to unlock something in Jim’s head that let all his concentration coalesce into one activity.

‘So tomorrow should be fun.’ RJ put down a three dollar bet, big money as far as they were concerned which meant he either had a killer hand or absolutely nothing. ‘Make sure Warleggan keeps his damn mouth shut.’

‘That guy’s one of the biggest assholes I’ve ever come across.’ Callaghan boomed. ‘And I’ve met plenty.’

‘He’ll be fine.’ Kellerman said. ‘Who else is coming?’ This was directed at Ross.

‘A unit from across the way.’ he replied. ‘Not anyone I know. And Clayton.’

‘Good.’ Callaghan said. ‘I like Clay. He’s good people.’

‘What about taking her to the USO?’ LJ and Flint were walking in from going on a run for snacks.

‘That’s nowhere near fancy enough.’ Flint said. ‘I tell you, I’m at a loss over here.’

‘Christ, you still bellyaching about how to ask her to marry you?’ Callghan asked and Flint huffed as he came to take a seat at the table.

‘I honestly have no idea.’ he said and then frowned as Callaghan and Kellerman grinned at each other.

‘How about a romantic dinner?’ Kellerman asked. ‘On the beach?’

‘How the hell are you gonna pull that one off?’ Flint said and the grins became wicked.

‘You leave that to us.’ Callaghan said. ‘When’s the next time you’re gonna see her?’

‘Three days.’ Flint replied. ‘She’s got the night off and we were gonna just hang at the club.’

‘Tell her to get get all gussied up.’ Callaghan said. ‘And make sure you look the part. We’ll handle the rest.’

‘Jesus, you guys.’ Flint was smiling like a beacon. ‘You sure?’

‘Hell yeah.’ Callaghan said. ‘Nothing like a proposal my friend.’

**********

It was after eleven when Ross finally called time. He needed to be up at six the next day and he still wanted to spend at least an hour or so with Jim. He got up from the table and got waved off then went to join him outside the club. Jim was sitting on the sandbags, one knee up, and staring at the stars. Ross went to go join him, taking the offered joint and inhaling deeply. He looked up at where Jim was staring and frowned.

‘Do you know all of them?’ he asked and Jim nodded, exhaling a thin stream of smoke into the night air.

‘I do.’ he said. ‘Rob taught me when I first learned to sail.’ He turned his head to look at Ross. ‘I could teach you, if you like.’

‘I would.’ Ross handed the joint back and leaned his head against the wall behind him. ‘I never really paid much attention to them.’

‘It kinda reminds me that even though I’m really far away, he can see the same ones as me.’ Jim said and it surprised Ross to hear the melancholy in his voice. Having nothing that really resembled a relationship with his own father, he found it strange and also very touching at how much Jim missed his.

‘I’d like to meet him.’ he said and Jim smiled.

‘He’d like you.’ he said. ‘I think you and him would get on just fine.’ He sighed. ‘Maybe one day.’

‘Maybe.’ Ross looked around to check they were alone. ‘You know it’s only three weeks.’ That made Jim chuckle.

‘If you start bouncing around, I’m gonna kick your ass Doc.’ he said. ‘It’s just a week of leave.’

‘Bullshit.’ Ross snorted. ‘You know it’s way more than that.’

‘Yeah.’ Jim said and smiled at him. ‘You gonna let me teach you how to surf?’

‘I don’t know if I’m that co-ordinated.’ Ross laughed. ‘I might just spend the whole time falling on my ass.’

‘That’s okay.’ Jim said, and now his smile was suggestive. ‘We can take care of your ass in the evenings.’ It was only a small aside, but it made heat flare in Ross’ chest. He’d been getting more and more curious about things. A lot of things. And there was one in particular that he was starting to think he might like to try. The trouble was finding a place and time to suggest it and then carry it out.

‘I like the sound of that.’ he replied and that made Jim snort with laughter. He stuck the joint in his mouth and hopped off the sandbags.

‘Come on, Doc.’ he said. ‘I need to walk you home.’ Ross followed and they started the slow procession to the halfway mark between uptown and downtown as they now called it. They walked side by side, hands in their pockets, and talked shit about their respective days and the MEDCAP mission for the next day.

‘Dwight said it’s a pity that you’re not flying us so you could drop him off over the ocean.’ Ross said and Jim laughed out loud at that suggestion.

‘I think that might be against regs.’ he said, wandering into Ross’ path. Ross grinned. Jim was a terrible at doing that, always crossing over in front of him but it was also endearing as fuck. He was sorely tempted to take his hand, but there were still people around and it was too well lit along the road to the hill that led up to the 91st to risk anything.

They finally got to where the shadows lengthened and the trees gave them a place to hide from anyone that might spot them. Jim stopped as he always did and waited for Ross to come stand in front of him. His face was in shadow but Ross knew he was giving him that questioning look which had become their unspoken signal. He nodded once and they headed over to the line of trees.

Once they were far enough from the road they both stopped. There was always this moment just before when they seemed to be hesitating, fearful of what they were about to do but also nearly out of their minds with the desire to put their hands on each other. One of them always broke and made the first move, and tonight it was Ross. He had had enough of waiting and backed Jim up against the nearest tree.

‘I have so many things I want to do to you.’ he growled and Jim’s smile was a flash in the darkness.

‘I’m starting to think I might not get any surfing actually done.’ he replied, and Ross nudged his nose with his and then tilted his head just enough to kiss him. Jim let him in, his tongue sweeping through Ross’ mouth in a languid drag that spoke volumes about his current state but which also made Ross’ heart speed up and his body start responding in a way that made him want to keep walking up the hill and find a bed they could occupy. He kissed back, hand coming up to rest at the side of Jim’s neck. He could feel his pulse thudding under his thumb, feel the way that Jim’s breathing hitched when he caught his lower lip between his teeth and sucked gently on it. Love had made him bold, allowed him to take what he wanted now and Jim was more than happy to give it. He licked into Ross’ mouth, completely uninhibited in the way he kissed and put both hands on Ross’ waist, gripping his shirt tightly. They stayed like that for a while, trading kisses until Ross had to break away, panting softly and completely hard.

‘What’s wrong, baby?’ Jim’s voice was teasing. ‘Too hot for you?’ His words sent fire shooting through Ross’ veins and he couldn’t resist, crashing back into him. This time it got very heated very quickly and he crushed Jim against the tree, one hand down on his cock and the other tightening on his neck. Jim gasped and pulled him in tighter, moaning as Ross moved his hand just enough to trace the outline of his cock through his pants. When he let him up, Jim’s lips were parted slightly and he was now panting as hard as Ross was and the thrill he got knowing that he’d been the one to get him into that state made Ross feel stupidly confident. He kept going, and Jim leaned in against him, forehead resting against his jaw. He was now hanging onto Ross shirt for dear life, his stifled noises loud in Ross ear, but just as he seemed about to get off, a shaft of light broke through the trees and they jumped apart like a pair of guilty children. Thankfully it was just a jeep but it was enough to seriously scare both of them and they took a moment to calm themselves down.

‘Shit.’ Ross was standing with both hands on his hips and glaring at the retreating vehicle. He looked back at Jim. ‘Sorry.’

‘No problem.’ Jim ran both hands through his hair. ‘Fuck, this is getting ridiculous.’ He sighed heavily. ‘I should get back anyway.’ His smile, what Ross could see of it, was wry. ‘Go jerk off in the shower or something.’

‘I wish it was the "or something".’ Ross replied and they looked at each other and then started laughing. ‘This has got to be the worst goddamn case of sexual frustration I’ve ever had.’

‘Tell me about it.’ Jim moved over to him and reached up, hand to Ross’ face. ‘Soon.’ Ross put his hand over his and leaned into the touch.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow night through?’ he asked and Jim smiled.

‘Yeah.’ he said and leaned up, his mouth soft and warm and the longing in his kiss almost palpable. Ross knew that he probably felt the same way to him and when they parted he wanted nothing more than to grab onto Jim and never let him go. Instead he stepped back from him and Jim shoved both hands in his pockets and they went their separate ways as they always did, both of them filled with frustration and unfulfilled desire that would keep them awake longer than they should have been.

Ross watched Jim go first, raising his hand to him when Jim got to the edge of the trees and looked back. He waited until he couldn’t see him anymore and then turned and headed up the hill. When he got to the 91st, it was to see 41 coming in to land. Ross watched for a moment and then headed to his hooch, only to be greeted with a sock hanging on the door. He let out a sigh, knowing that he’d probably be locked out for a while yet. Dwight and Caroline had a serious amount of stamina. He considered his options and then walked to the R & E to see if he could find an empty bed in one of the wards.

**********

Jim got back to the hooch and found LJ lying on his cot and reading the book he’d left behind in the club.

‘It’s good.’ he remarked to him over the top of it. ‘For a dead white guy.’ Jim smiled and came to sit down on his cot, unlacing his boots and pulling them off one at a time and throwing them in the corner. He must have been wearing his melancholy on his face though because LJ closed the book and sat up. ‘You okay?’

‘Not really.’ he replied. ‘Some days it’s just really hard.’

‘I understand that.’ LJ replied. ‘But the question you have to ask yourself is if it’s worth it.’

‘It’s worth it.’ Jim said. ‘I don’t have any doubts about that.’ Then he grinned. ‘It’s just kind of maddening that I keep coming home with my dick in my hand, is all.’

‘Jesus Christ.’ LJ snorted. ‘Now that I did not need to hear.’

‘Tough.’ Jim replied. ‘You want to play dad, you get to hear all about how I gotta go jerk off in the shower now.’ He got up and grabbed his towel. ‘I’ll be back, but I won’t be happy.’

‘Yeah, well them’s the breaks.’ LJ replied, lying back down. ‘Just don’t leave cum all over the damn walls.’

‘Sure thing.’ Jim laughed as he left the hooch and walked down the line to the heads. They were thankfully empty, and he undressed and got under the water, letting it wash away the pent up feelings he had. He didn’t in fact jerk off, choosing instead to bask in the memory of Ross’ touch and the taste of his mouth. By the time he was done, his breathing was back down to normal and he felt like he could actually get some sleep. The grass had done its job as well, smoothing out the tension from his day of flying, and he actually started yawning on his way back to the hooch. By the time he got back in, Flint and Benny had returned as well. There was some muted conversation as they all climbed into their sleeping bags and then the lights went off and Jim lay and listened to them fall asleep one by one before he also dropped off.

***********

Ross got a surprisingly good night’s sleep in the recovery ward. He woke up with enough time to go shower and shave and get dressed then head over to the mess tent for breakfast, loading up on food and then ploughing his way through it. He got finished and left the mess hall, lighting his post-breakfast cigarette for the walk to the R & E. He looked up at the sky, grey and clouded over but still hot and muggy in spite of that, then stepped off the walkway and took a slow walk via the grassy edge of the bluff, looking up into the sky and listening for any sounds of birds coming in.

He got to the R & E and went in to find Anderson overseeing the supply set up. He nodded at Ross and Ross went to help Clayton with getting together the supplies they would be taking out to the orphanage. The fighting in that area had intensified and they had been informed that some of the younger kids would need to come back with them to keep them out of arms way. Ross had been hand-picked by Anderson for this run, knowing how good he was with kids and now having a bit of a reputation for it. Unfortunately that meant that Dwight would be running the R & E in his absence and so Warleggan had been assigned, although Ross knew that Anderson wasn’t happy about it. Unfortunately Dwyer had a bad case of the runs and an extended trip in a bird wouldn’t be pleasant for anyone concerned with him like that so Ross had sucked it up and accepted the fact that he’d have to be civil to the man who had the power to destroy everything he’d gained while he was in country.

‘Hey Doc.’ Clayton gave him a smile and Ross returned it.

‘You all set?’ he asked. ‘What can I do?’

‘We need a couple more things.’ Clayton said. ‘I’m gonna go get them from the stock room, if you wanna start hauling these out to the pad.’

‘Sure thing.’ Ross said and picked up a box and headed out to the landing pad. He had no problem getting his hands dirty, when quite a lot of doctors would have made a GMO do it. Anderson was the same and Ross had tremendous respect for his CO, emulating the way he dealt with his staff. He set the box down and looked up as the sound of a bird caught his ears and then smiled as 51 came in over the bluff. A couple of GMOs had come out and he joined them as they went over to the bird, going to Jim’s window. Behind him Flint and Benny unloaded their first run but it didn’t look like anything too serious and he waved at them in greeting before turning back to the man he really wanted to see.

‘You’re up and out early.’ he said by way of greeting and Jim grinned at him.

‘So are you.’ he replied, but Ross couldn’t help but notice he had his sunglasses on and chuckled at the realisation that Jim was probably still a little hungover from the night before. LJ chuckled as well.

‘You all set for today, Doc?’ he asked and Ross nodded. He let himself look at Jim while he answered, knowing that LJ paid no mind. He had a secret thing for Jim in his flight-suit, pristine white t-shirt just sticking out and the glint of dog tags visible. His eyes strayed to the name patch on Jim’s right pocket, the black embroidered Hawkins countered by the patch on his right with the black wings that declared his designation above the US Army patch. The dimples hovering at the corners of Jim’s mouth told him that Jim knew exactly what was going through his head as well.

‘Yeah.’ he said and LJ frowned. He also had his sunglasses on, but Ross could see he was concerned and it heartened him.

‘They got a patrol going with you?’ he asked and Ross nodded.

‘What time are you headin’ out?’ Jim asked and Ross checked his watch.

’68 is coming up to get us in about an hour.’ he said. ‘Didn’t you see them?’

‘No.’ Jim replied. ‘Lazy ass bastards were still sleeping when we got up.’ He reached up and took his glasses off and now Ross noticed that there was something flickering in the blue-green. ‘You gonna be okay out there today?’

‘Sure.’ he said. ‘Why wouldn’t I? It’s just the orphanage.’

‘It’s never just, Ross.’ Jim said. ‘Be careful and watch your six out there, okay?’ His mouth twisted as he tried to keep his feelings hidden. ‘Things have been hairy.’

‘I’ll be careful.’ Ross replied. ‘We’ll be fine.’

‘Jim.’ LJ interrupted them. ‘Time to go.’

‘All right.’ Jim put his sunglasses back on. ‘I’ll catch you later, Doc.’

‘Fly safe.’ Ross said and Jim threw him one last smile as he retreated from the window and then stood at a safe distance as Susie lifted off and banked out over the landing pad and flew up into the grey.

When he came back to the R & E, Warleggan was there and directing as usual. The look he gave Ross was distinctly chilly.

‘Poldark.’ he said and his voice could have cut cloth it was so sharp.

‘George.’ Ross replied, making it sound as insolent as possible. He had no small amount of experience in subtly rebelling against his father and found it came in very handy for riling up Warleggan, even though the sensible side of his brain told him not to. Warleggan sniffed imperiously and turned his back on him and Ross grinned and caught Clayton’s eye. Clayton smiled back and they carried on ferrying things out to the pad until everything was there and ready.

Bang on time 68 came up from the revetment side and landed and Ross jogged over to greet his ride. RJ was all smiles and Ross slapped his hand into his through the window in greeting.

‘Morning young fella.’ Callaghan boomed. ‘That was a fine game last night. I think it calls for a repeat.’

‘Hah!’ Kellerman said as he opened the door and climbed out behind Ross. ‘Not a goddamn chance.’ He took the box that Clayton handed to him and passed it up to Cooper. ‘That’s just because you cleaned us all out, except for the Doc here.’

‘Hey, where the hell were you last night?’ Cooper said to Clayton. ‘You usually never miss a game.’

‘I had things to do.’ Clayton said with a grin.

It took about five minutes to load all the boxes between the two of them, Warleggan of course not lifting a finger to help, and then they climbed in and helped Cooper stow the boxes so they didn’t slide all over the bird.

‘We gotta head to the Americal side to pick up our escort.’ RJ said over his shoulder. He looked at where Warleggan was still standing under the eaves, watching them with a sour look on his face and beckoned him over. ‘Pity we gotta take this drag with us.’

Ross chuckled as he took his jump seat at the door and strapped himself in. Clyaton to the seat next to him and they both looked at each other and fervently hoped that Warleggan would sit in the back compartment. Thankfully that was exactly what he did, not really bothering to say much apart from a brusque greeting.

RJ took Lady into the air and they turned towards the heading that would take them into the mountains and towards the orphanage. The flight across to the Americal Division was a pleasant one, even though the day remained grey. They landed and took on a six man squad of marines. Ross gave them all a critical once over. He was a little disturbed to see that they were frighteningly young and looked green. The team leader was friendly enough, but his hands shook ever so slightly when he introduced himself and Ross could see the nervousness in the way he popped his gum.

The flight took a little longer than normal and it was half an hour when they landed. Soeur Agathe was waiting for them with some of the village men, just like she normally did and she greeted them with a smile as they came off the bird.

‘ _Bonjour Ross_.’ She said, the rolling of the ‘r’ making his name sound rather exotic. Ross smiled and gave her the traditional two kisses.

‘ _Tu est bonne_?’ he asked, grabbing a box, and she nodded and started to lead him and Warleggan down the pathway to the compound. Clayton was behind them helping to unload and the patrol was standing guard while he and the men from the village carried the other boxes in.

‘ _Oui, merci_.’ she replied and then gave Clayton a demure smile over her shoulder. ‘Clayton is here which is always good.’

‘Why thank you, pretty lady.’ Clayton replied and Ross smiled. Their sweet chaste flirtation was one wonderfully normal thing in all the shit that normally went on around them.

‘ _Et Madame et les enfants_?’ he asked and Agathe looked serious.

‘ _J’ai dit a Madame que nous devons departez_.’ she said. ‘ _Il deviens plus dangereux a rester ici._ ’ She led them through the door of the compound and towards the buildings.

‘ _C’est si mal_?’ Ross asked, now concerned at how worried she seemed. He hadn’t realised that it might be that serious.

‘ _Nous pouvons entendre les soldats pendent la nuit_.’ she said. ‘ _Ils sont proches_.’

‘Well that ain’t good.’ Clayton said and Ross gave him a look that matched his sentiment.

‘How many do you want us to take back?’ Warleggan said from the rear and they all turned to look at him, a little startled by his sudden contribution to the conversation.

‘As many as you can.’ Agathe replied. ‘We know you are pressed on your side, but at least _les petits_.’

‘What about you?’ Ross asked. ‘You and Madame cannot stay here. It isn’t safe by the sound of things. We’ll call in and see if all of you can be evacuated.’

‘ _Merci, Ross_.’ Agathe said. ‘I hope so.’

*********

Jim adjusted the throttle as they came down over the field below them. There was a contrail of red smoke that led him in over the trees and to where a lone soldier stood waving him down. The call was fifth one they had flown that morning, and it actually wasn’t too far from where the fields changed into thick jungle and crept up into the mountains. There was a twinge of unease in his stomach, but he pushed it away and focused on getting the bird in.

Flint threw back the doors as he was setting down and a line of soldiers came out from the shelter of the treeline towards them. They had walking wounded mostly, and Benny and Flint helped them in then Flint slammed the door closed while Benny got to work. There were seven of them, one little case with a couple of body shots that Benny was doing first, directing Flint to get the IV in while he paid attention to the wounds. Jim took off, gunning the throttle and sending Susie hurtling up and over the line of trees in front of them.

‘Nicely done, James.’ LJ said. ‘Now let’s get clear and get ourselves in.’ he waited until they were up and clear before turning in his seat and looking back at the men behind him.

‘What did you run into?’

‘A whole goddamn mess of VC.’ One of the wounded men replied. He had a sargeant’s stripes and a bandage covering half his face, blood trickling out from underneath it. ‘They’re all over the ground right now. We’ve been out there three days and lost five guys so far.’

‘Shit.’ Flint said, looking at him. ‘That’s rough.’

‘They’re leaving booby traps everywhere, dug a few bear pits.’ The soldier shook his head. ‘You can hear the bastards at night, making these freaky noises.’ He leaned back against the bulkhead. ‘It makes you crazy, man.’

Jim felt the words take hold of him, his blood running cold. LJ picked up on the sudden tension in his arms and face and looked at him. Jim didn’t need to look back to know what he was trying to say even if he couldn’t speak the words aloud.

_Stay cool, man. Keep your head in the game. Ain’t nothing you can do in the air._

He brought Susie onto the right heading and tried to forget the fact that Ross had headed into the thick of it.

*********

Ross was done with his health checks for the kids. This time no-one from the village had come along. Madame had told him that they had packed up and moved on, taking everything with them. The VC weren’t kind to the people they considered collaborators and it was now safer to be on the move out of the area.

He was busy examining one of the few men who had stayed behind. The man had stepped on a thorny plant a few days before and the area was tender and swollen. Ross was probing with a pair of tweezers, trying to grasp the piece of thorn he could feel was still embedded in the man’s foot when he heard something that made him lift his head and focus. Across from him, Warleggan did the same. He looked at Ross and Ross frowned and then the next thing he heard was the sound of men screaming and the unmistakeable noise of automatic weapons fire. He reacted instantly, all his instincts and training kicking in as he unholstered the Colt and ran from the courtyard to the building. The sound of screams had died off and there was now shouting in Vietnamese and French.

Ross got into the building and crouched down by the partly open door. He peered out and saw that there were men in the front garden. Even worse, he saw that they had Clayton on his knees, hands behind his head with a rifle pointed at him from behind. The children that had been playing with him out front were huddled in a crying mass against one of the walls, a man brandishing an AK standing over them. There were bodies lying around him, a couple of the patrol that had been escorting them and one of the village men. The blood was stark streak of bright red on the soft brown dust of the garden and that was when it became real.

Ross flattened himself against the wall and tried to quell the rapidly rising panic inside him. He’d been through basics, learned how to handle a weapon for never for a second had he thought he’d ever be in a position to use it. He looked around frantically and that was when he saw Agathe hiding behind one of the tables. He locked eyes with her, seeing her fear and then nodded towards the door to the inner courtyard. She shook her head and he nodded more forcefully and she finally got up, and crept to the door and slipped through. Ross watched her go and prayed that she could get the other children to a safe place or at least somewhere she could lock them in.

Ross waited for a few seconds, expecting Warleggan to follow him into the building but when the other man didn’t show he started to think about what he could do. He could retreat to where he had been and hold out against them, but there were ten men and they had Clayton. He couldn’t leave him. He took in a deep breath but his thoughts were cut short by a shout from outside.

‘American!’ The man’s voice was harsh and thickly accented. ‘Come out. We kill him if you don’t.’ The English was quite good, which surprised Ross. He sat back against the wall, his heart now galloping and his hands sweaty. He wiped them off on his pants and tried frantically to think his way out of things. The he heard screaming from the courtyard behind him, high pitched and feminine and realised it was Agathe. There were obviously others that had made their way around the back of the compound.

He was trapped between them.

The screams got louder and then the door crashed open and three men with rifles came running into the building, all aiming their weapons at him. Ross felt his stomach knot in fear and then he held the Colt up in a gesture of surrender.

***********

Jim brought Susie in over the bluff and landed her on the pad, then sat and chewed on his lip as he waited for the men to be unloaded.

‘You gotta rest easy, boy.’ LJ said, his voice low. ‘You’ll freak the others out.’

‘They’re right where he is.’ Jim finally managed to give voice to his fears. ‘What if…’

‘No goddamn what ifs.’ LJ’s voice was sharp. ‘We’re here to do a job. So is he. He’s a soldier, James. He’s been trained.’

‘You and I both know that training means shit when you actually get out there.’ Jim said, trying not to sound as terrified as he was starting to feel. He sat back in his seat and let out a deep breath. ‘But you’re right. There’s not a fucking thing I can do right now.’

‘No.’ LJ said. ‘And we got another four hours to go of this rotation and then you can run your ass up the hill and go see him. Make sure he’s in one piece.’

‘Okay.’ Jim sat back up when he saw Flint and Benny coming back to the bird. ‘Just four more hours.’

***********

They had them all in the front courtyard. Ross was now kneeling alongside Clayton and Warleggan. All three of them had their hands behind their heads and were staring at the ground in front of them. Their weapons had been taken.

The children were now all corralled against the wall, their terrified wailing tearing at Ross’ heart. What he was most concerned about though was the village men that had been with him and Warleggan in the back. They were also on their knees and the leader of the group of men, who now Ross could see numbered twelve, was interrogating them in Vietnamese. One had blood pouring from his head where he’d been hit with the butt of a rifle. Ross had moved to get up when that had happened and he’d promptly had a barrel shoved in his face. He’d backed down and now he was watching helplessly as the men continued shouting. He had no idea what they were saying and Clayton couldn’t tell him but they were not happy at all.

It was also clear that none of the patrol that had come with them had survived. Ross could see that there were three in here with them, and he could make out another body lying just beyond the gate. The attack had been quick and co-ordinated and they’d clearly not stood a chance. That probably meant that they hadn’t had time to call it in. That meant no-one knew what was happening.

For the first time in his life, Ross contemplated that he might well die.

‘You!’ The leader shouted and this was directed at Madame. The nun was standing tall with Agathe at the side of the garden, her head held high. Ross couldn’t help but admire her defiance. ‘Tell us where they are!’

‘You will not find them.’ she replied. ‘They have been gone for over a week.’ Her accent made her disdain even more pointed and Ross couldn’t believe her bravery in facing down a man who would probably kill them all before the day was out.

‘We will hunt them down!’ the man sneered and came over to her. She stared back at him, her grey eyes steely and her greater height giving her an authority that clearly infuriated him. ‘You will tell us.’

‘You will pay for your sins.’ Madame replied, her voice still perfectly calm. ‘You are all sinners in the eyes of God.’

The leader swung away from her and shouted something at his men behind him. Then he turned back and shot the nun in the face, three shots in quick succession that blew most of the back of her head and away, only her wimple keeping it intact as she crumpled to the ground. Agathe started screaming, her fear and desperation rending the air as she twisted in the hands of the man that now grabbed her to restrain her.

Ross was struck dumb. He’d never actually seen anyone being killed and the fact that they had killed a woman and a nun to boot was barely even registering through his shock and horror. Next to him, Clayton was similarly afflicted, his eyes wide.

‘Oh, Jesus Christ.’ Warleggan blurted out and then the stink of ammonia hit Ross’ nose and he wrinkled it in disgust as he realised that the other doctor had just wet himself in fear.

‘ _Non, non! Je vous en prie_!’ Agathe was screaming words now at the men around her. Then she switched to Vietnamese, her voice rising to a furious screech as she cursed them. The leader ignored her, walking across to the two men and starting his barrage of words once again. The two men were now protesting in broken cries, fear colouring their voices, and Ross squeezed his eyes shut and thought of how he never got to do half the things he wanted to do. He would never be able to go home, smell the scent of evergreen or sea air again. Never be able to see Verity or Drew.

Never be able to tell Jim that he had fallen in love with him and that he wanted nothing more than to be with him forever.

Agathe’s screeches got to fever pitch and the leader turned and yelled something at one of the men holding her. He threw her to the ground and she tripped over her habit and sprawled in front of him as he raised his rifle. This was too much and Clayton yelled out and got to his feet even as the man took aim and then the next thing Ross knew, three shots had been fired and Clayton fell to the ground clutching at his belly and groaning in pain.

‘No!’ it came out without him even realising it and then Ross was on his feet, his first instinct to get to Clayton and stop the bleeding. It was driven by everything he was, everything he was never going to get to be. Too late he saw the man that had been standing behind him come towards him before he was fully righted and Ross looked up just in time to see the butt of the rifle come down towards him.

The pain was unlike anything he’d ever experienced. The butt caught him on the side of the head, a searing burning agony that ran down his face and temporarily blinded him. He crashed back down to his hands and knees, ears ringing and vision blurred. There was more shouting and screams and he struggled to get up, to get to his feet.

He didn’t want to die crawling around in the dust.

The screams changed, getting louder as he waited for the inevitable bullet in the head to seal his fate but it never came. Instead, he managed to lift his head and see just enough to realise that something was going on. The sound of rifles firing was loud in his ears and the shouting carried on. He saw two of the men that had attacked them fall to the ground on their backs, bleeding out from great holes in their bellies. Agathe had made it to Clayton’s side and was screaming. Her wimple had come loose and her thick shiny black hair was loose and draped over Clayton like a shroud. Warleggan was curled in a ball not three feet from them and for a second Ross thought he’d been shot.

The sight of Clayton bleeding out made Ross pull himself back into himself and he started crawling across to him, his brain telling him that he needed to help, needed to get the bleeding under control. The guns were still going off around him, but he could see nothing but what he needed to do. Something wet and sticky was getting in his eyes and Ross swiped absently at it. The pain in his face was now fuzzy, like the ache in his head, and he got to Clayton and Agathe. She looked at him, her face awash with tears and Ross realised that she was staring at him in horror.

‘ _Nous avons besoin du quelque chose pour arrêter l'hémorragie_.’ he said and she just sat there.

‘Ross.’ she whimpered. ‘ _Ton visage_ …’

‘ _Pas maintenant_!’ he almost shouted at her. ‘ _Trouve quelque chose avant il mort_!’ That got her going, her eyes flicking back to Clayton before she scrambled to where she had fallen and grabbed her wimple, ripping it as she came back to Ross.

He looked down at Clayton, ignoring everything around him as his mind analysed what he was looking at. Clayton had been hit three times in the stomach, the blood coming from the wounds thick and coating Clayton’s hands. He was watching Ross, his eyes wide and his face pale.

‘Shit, Doc.’ He groaned. ‘Fuck…’

‘Shut up.’ Ross said. ‘I need to work.’ He shook his head, trying to clear it enough and then looked round. ‘George! Goddammit, get off your ass and come help me!’ he turned back and grabbed the first strip of cloth Agathe was holding out to him, folding it into a dense pad and slapping it down over the worst of the wounds, then grabbed her hand and pressed it to the improvised dressing. ‘You hold this down, hard! Do not let go!’ He took the rest of the wimple from her and ripped another strip to do the same with the next one. If he could stop the bleeding, he could get Clayton onto a bird and maybe save his life. The firing was intensifying and more than once Ross felt the whoosh of air past him that signified a bullet straying too close. Warleggan had not moved, lying crying in fear on the ground. The children were still screaming, pressed up against the wall or crowding into the corners. Some had run for shelter inside the building.

Ross was now bloody up to the elbows. Agathe had two hands holding down the dressings and he had managed to clamp off the most severe of the bleeds with a hair clip he’d plucked from her dark hair and was now rolling up the last piece of fabric to stem the flow of blood. He was now running on nothing but adrenaline, every sense seemingly heightened and dampened at the same time.

‘Doc…’ Clayton’s voice was weak. Ross looked down at him.

‘You’re going to get through this.’ he said. ‘Just fucking stay alive.’ Clayton coughed weakly and lifted one hand to his breats pocket. Ross stared at him almost stupidly as he watched Clayton undo it and then take out a folded piece of paper.

‘I need you to do something for me.’ he whispered and Ross frowned, not understanding. ‘If I don’t make it…’

‘You’re going to.’ he interjected. ‘I am going to get you out of here.’

‘If I don’t make it.’ Clayton repeated. ‘I need you to do me a solid, Doc.’ He held out the paper and Ross took it with his free hand, bloody fingers leaving prints all over it. He saw it was an envelope, but there was no name or address written on it. He looked back at Clayton in confusion.

‘Reynolds.’ Clayton managed to get out. ‘Give it to him for me, will ya?’ He winced as he started to shake. ‘God this hurts so bad…’ Ross looked at the envelope in his hand, realisation coming crashing in. He knew lots of men did it, that final letter to their loved ones that was to be delivered if they died. God knew it was a common request from the men that came through their R & E.

Then he realised who Clayton had just asked him to give it to, and that hit him like a kick in the guts.

‘Clayton.’ Agathe was sobbing. ‘Please do not die.’

‘Doc.’ Clayton’s eyes were still fixed on him. ‘Please.’

‘I’ll give it to him.’ Ross said. ‘I promise.’ He turned back to the injuries, tears pricking his eyelids as he struggled to compose himself. It was only when a hand came down on his shoulder that he realised that the shooting had stopped. He glanced around and saw that the garden was now littered with bodies. Then he looked up into a pair of sharp light blue eyes, stark in a face painted with grey and black and green tiger stripes.

‘Goddamn, Doc.’ Haynes said. ‘Thank fuck you’re alive.’

*********

Jim bought Susie down towards the revetment. They were coming in to refuel, which they usually did hot to minimise landing times. As he did, he saw that 68 were scrambling and frowned. 68 was on third which meant that something serious must be calling them out.

‘Where do you think they’re headed?’ he asked LJ and LJ shrugged.

‘Who knows?’ he said and they landed. Benny hopped out, taking the opportunity to go and piss over by the sandbags. The ground crew were already buzzing around Susie like suitors around a debutante and Jim sat back in his seat. He had a funny feeling in his stomach, a twist of nausea that had him chewing on his lip again. His contemplation was interrupted by the radio, Ortiz giving them a new set of co-ordinates as another mission came in.

‘And back up we go.’ LJ said as Benny climbed back into the bird. Jim sighed and checked for the all clear from the ground crew and then lifted off.

************

‘They called it through.’ Haynes said. He was sitting with Ross while they waited for Dustoff to come and get them out of there. ‘Poor bastards didn’t know what hit them.’

‘Hold still.’ Haynes' medic, a young man called Spiers, pulled Ross back into line as he bandaged him up. The sticky wetness had turned out to be his own blood pouring in his eyes. ‘You took one hell of a hit, Doc.’ Ross simply stared past him to where some of Haynes' patrol were now with Clayton, holding the dressings in place.

‘Dustoff’s on their way.’ Hayne’s radio man said as he came into the garden from outside. ‘ETA twenty minutes.’

‘I hope he holds on.’ Haynes said. ‘Clay’s a good man.’

‘Yeah.’ Ross’ voice was lifeless. He wanted to cry and scream and rail against everything that had bought him into this godforsaken war. He couldn’t stop staring at the bodies around him, the adrenaline having run its course and the pain in his face and head now kicking in. He saw Warleggan was slumped against the wall next to him, almost completely shut down.

He had no idea how long it was but soon he hear the steady whomp of the bird’s rotor blades and then Haynes was helping him to his feet, while the men behind him had Clayton on a litter and were carrying him out. Spiers also had Agathe on her feet and was steering her in front of him.

They got to the field out front and Ross saw that the bird was 68. Cooper and Kellerman were out and getting the litter in, then Kellerman jumped back in and started working on Clayton immediately.

‘Damn.’ Cooper was staring at Ross as he got to him. ‘Fuck Doc, you okay?’

‘I’m fine.’ Ross said. He turned back. ‘There’s a bunch of kids that need to get the hell out of here.’

‘We’ve got 58 right behind us.’ Cooper said. ‘They’re gonna pick them up.’ He looked concerned. ‘You need to get in the bird, Doc. You don’t look so good.’

‘Nonsense. I told you I’m fine.’ Ross said, but even as the words left his mouth he felt the dizziness overcome him and then the ground was approaching at speed. Thankfully everything went black before he hit.

**********

Dwight was busy checking through the patient list when the CB sounded and he went to answer it. He listened to Callaghan speaking, his face going white as he heard what was headed their way. He replied and then ran through to triage at top speed, yelling for Demelza.

***********

Ross came to in the bird with Kellerman shining a flashlight in his eyes.

‘Fuck.’ he said. ‘You scared the shit outta me Doc.’

‘God, my head hurts.’ Ross groaned and Kellerman let out a deep breath.

‘They clocked you good.’ he said. ‘You’ve got a laceration from your eyebrow almost all the goddamn way down to your mouth. I’ve got a pressure dressing on it.’

‘Clayton.’ Ross said. His mouth was dry and tacky and he was sure that right then he’d have happily killed someone for a mouthful of water.

‘I’m still here Doc.’ The voice was weak but it was like music to Ross’ ears. He blinked a few times and saw that he was sitting right below Clayton, who was now suspended and lying on the litter. A hand came down and he took it, feeling Clayton squeeze and being incredibly relieved at the strength in it. He squeezed back.

‘That was a damn close call.’ Kellerman said. ‘Good work with the hair clip.’

‘Thank Agathe.’ Ross smiled. ‘She was the one wearing it.’ He looked past Kellerman, still woozy and unfocused. ‘Is she here?’

‘No.’ Kellerman said. ‘She wouldn’t leave without the kids. We’ve got ten of them and Warleggan is in the back compartment.’ His voice was neutral but Ross could see the disgust on his face. ‘Haynes is watching over them until the next bird can get in.’

‘Good.’ Ross sighed heavily. He was so tired and started to close his eyes, starting when Kellerman shook him and snapped his fingers in his face.

‘None of that now, Doc.’ he said. ‘You stay awake for me, okay?’ He looked back up at Cooper. ‘We’re only a little way out now.’

‘Fuck you, Kellerman.’ Ross managed to mumble.

***********

‘Is he all right?’ Demelza’s face was stricken.

‘I honestly don’t know.’ Dwight said. They were both out on the landing pad, waiting for 68 to come in.

‘There.’ Caroline said and pointed. They all followed her finger and then saw the black spot approaching the landing pad.

***********

‘All right, Doc.’ Cooper got Ross under the arms and helped him up. Behind him the GMOs were taking the kids out and shepherding them back towards the R & E. Clayton had been offloaded first and he was now in triage. Ross struggled up and managed to make it to his feet, then promptly fell over.

‘Damn.’ The voice was familiar and Ross looked towards the door and saw Dwight standing there. ‘Get him out now.’

He was helped down and Dwight slung one arm over his shoulders so Ross could lean on him and then half walked him and half dragged him into the R & E. He got him to a chair that Caroline had pulled up and set him down in it. Behind him, Ross could see Demelza and Anderson working on Clayton. There was no sign of Warleggan.

He winced at the touch of Dwight’s fingers as they peeled off the bandage. It was sticking to his skin, the blood now dry.

‘We need some saline over here.’ Dwight said to Caroline. ‘And a suture kit.’ He peered at Ross’ face. ‘I’m sorry, Ross. It’s going to scar.’

‘I don’t care.’ Ross replied. ‘How’s Clayton?’

‘He’s in good hands.’ Caroline said, coming over with the supplies Dwight needed. ‘He’s being prepped for OR.’ Dwight took the saline from her and started sluicing the wound with it, the excess spilling on the floor. It was reddish with blood and Ross felt the oddest disconnect from the fact that half of his face was split open.

‘Concussion?’ Caroline asked and Dwight nodded.

‘Pupillary reaction is a little retarded.’ he said. ‘I need to stitch this up now and then he can be monitored.’ Caroline nodded and started prepping the sutures. The bandage had now come away from his face and the bleeding had started again. There was a flash of pain as Dwight wiped it away with disinfectant and then got to work. It was the oddest sensation, the needle going in and out his skin, and by the time Dwight was done and had applied a fresh dressing, Ross was exhausted. Caroline helped him up and took him into the recovery ward and let him lie down on one of the beds. Then she sat and spoke to him for a while, checking his pupillary reaction periodically and making him get up and walk a few times. Dwight came back in after a while and he checked Ross over as well.

‘You’re all right.’ he said. ‘Concussion and a severe laceration to the face but you’ll live.’

‘Good.’ Ross said. ‘Can I go sleep now?’

‘We don’t have room here.’ Caroline said to Dwight. ‘All the kids have come in and the Red Cross is only coming to get them tomorrow.’

‘You think you can make it to the hooch?’ Dwight asked and Ross nodded. Right then he would have happily walked over hot coals to get to his bed. ‘But I might need an escort.’

‘I can do that.’ Dwight turned to reveal Demelza walking into the ward.

‘All right.’ Dwight said. ‘You know the drill, Ross. Any nausea or dizziness and you get your ass back here.’ He looked at Demelza. ‘I’ll be back to check on him later, if you can get him settled.’

‘I will.’ Demelza came over to Ross. She helped him up and they started the walk out of the recovery ward and then out the R & E. They took it slow, but thankfully it was only a very short walk to the accommodations and they stopped to let Ross rest a few times. When he got to the hooch, Demelza let him in and got him down on the bed. She sat down, hauling one foot into her lap, and started unlacing his boot. She tugged it off and chucked it on the floor then started on the other one. Ross watched her.

‘Thank you.’ he said and then was shocked to see her head bow and her shoulders start shaking. ‘Dem?’

‘You idiot.’ she said, her voice choked with tears. ‘You scared the shit out of me.’ She looked up and he could see the tears streaming down her face. ‘You can’t do that to me.’

‘I’m sorry.’ It was the first thing Ross could think of to say. Demelza stared at him and then threw herself at him, wrapping both arms around his neck.

‘You’re my best friend, Ross.’ She sniffled into his shoulder. ‘You are not allowed to die.’ For a moment Ross was speechless and then he hugged her back.

‘I am trying not to.’ he muttered into her shoulder. They sat like that for a while and then Demelza finally pulled back from him, wiping her eyes and tucking her hair behind her ears.

‘Asshole.’ she said affectionately. ‘You did a good job. Clayton’s gonna pull through.’

‘Thank God.’ Ross felt some of the tension drain out of him. ‘That makes me very happy to hear.’ He tried to focus on her and then gave up. ‘What about George?’

‘He was shook up real bad.’ Demelza said. ‘They put him in his hooch and they’re getting one of the shrinks from Americal to come over and see him.’

‘He was no help at all.’ Ross sighed. ‘But I can’t even be angry about that.’ He thought back, the screams and blood and bodies around him, and then shut it down. ‘It wasn’t something I ever want to go through again.’

‘No.’ Demelza said. She got up and pulled the covers over him. ‘You need to rest. I’ll stick around for a bit, go back when you’re asleep.’

‘I’m good, Dem.' Ross replied. ‘You can go.’

He finally managed to convince her to leave and she did, closing the door behind her. He lay down and the sound of something crumpling in his pocket made him dig out the envelope that Clayton had given him.

Then he remembered.

Clayton had written to Reynolds. Clayton and Reynolds.

They were like him.

That made Ross' head spin all over again, but he was too tired to fight it this time. He eased himself down onto his pillows and closed his eyes.

*********

Jim set Susie down from her final run of the day. It was just before seven and they had been flying on and off for the last eight hours. He was exhausted. There had been attacks all over the southern sector below Chu Lai and inward to where the Ho Chi Minh trail rain. They had bought back in close on forty casualties to both the 91st and the 27th when the 91st had spilled over.

He cut the engines and looked over at LJ, now writing up his final flight report. Flint had the back door open and was climbing out. He unstrapped himself and followed suit, taking the flight report from LJ and getting out the bird. He was dead on his feet, the concentration needed to fly making him mentally as well as physically exhausted. He took his helmet off and ran his fingers through sweaty hair and then started the walk to the Ops shack while Flint started directing the ground crew behind him. Ortiz looked up as he came in and took the report from him.

‘Been one hell of a day.’ he said, looking over the form. ‘All kinds of shit going down.’ He scribbled something on it and then stuck it in a tray. ‘You hear about 68?’

‘No?’ Jim frowned at him. ‘What happened.’

‘The MEDCAP went to shit.’ Ortiz said. ‘Some VC hit the place.’

It took a moment for the words to hit home and then Jim felt like he wanted to be sick. He held it together long enough to reply.

‘What happened?’ he asked and Ortiz looked up in surprise at the vehemence in his voice.

‘Clayton took three in the belly, but he’s come out of surgery and they reckon he’s going to be fine. They clocked the Doc in the face and he’s out with a concussion.’ he said. ‘Demelza radioed down about three hours ago to tell 68.’ He shrugged. ‘Haynes and his boys got them out. The VC killed the patrol that went with them. The Doc is lucky to be alive.’

‘Which Doc?’ Jim asked, digging his nails into his palms.

‘Poldark.’ Ortiz snorted. ‘It’s all over the unit already that Warleggan did nothing. Just lay on the ground and cried like a baby.’ He huffed. ‘The Doc did good though. Kellerman said he got Clayton stabilised while his own head was busted open.’ He looked up at Jim and then he frowned in turn. ‘Hey, you okay? You’ve gone kinda green.’

Jim didn’t reply. Instead he turned and bolted out the Ops shack and headed for the track that led up to the 91st.

*********

Ross woke up to the sound of torrential rain hitting the hooch roof, screams fading in his head. The dream had been incredibly vivid and his heartfelt like it was hammering against his ribs. His head hurt like hell, and he groped for the glass of water Demelza had left for him. He drank it greedily and then lay back down, one arm over his eyes. He gingerly traced the dressing that Dwight had stuck to his face with his other hand. The stitches pulled and it stung when he tried to move his jaw. Eating was not going to be fun for a while.

A knock at his door startled him and Ross took his arm away. The knock came again, harder this time. He sat up slowly, pleased to note that there was no dizziness or nausea, just the burn in his face. He got up from the bed and made his way across to it, expecting it to be Dwight and wondering why he was knocking at the door to his own hooch. He pulled the door open and then stared at the person standing on his threshold.

Jim was soaked through, his hair plastered down with rain and his boots muddy. His chest was heaving and the legs of his flight-suit were also splattered and Ross realised that he must have run all the way up from the revetments. That was nothing compared to the look on his face though, his blue-green eyes filed with such a mix of emotions it was hard to tell what he was feeling.

‘Fuck…’ he breathed. ‘Ross.’ His face changed and Ross saw such fear that it scared him as well. ‘Jesus Christ.’

‘It looks worse than it is.’ he replied, not really knowing what he should be saying.

‘Bullshit.’ Jim retorted, a little fire in his words. ‘Can I come in?’

Ross stepped aside to let him pass and then closed the door behind them. He turned around and suddenly Jim as right there, toe to toe with him. Ross looked down into his eyes, seeing everything he’d wanted to see and also cursing it because he knew there was no going back now.

‘I’m okay.’ he whispered but it came out shaky and then Jim’s hand was on the good side of his face and he was leaning up to lean in against Ross, taking care not to hurt him.

‘You son of a bitch.’ he whispered back. ‘I could have lost you.’

Ross couldn’t help himself. He reached for him, both arms settling around Jim’s shoulders and feeling Jim take his weight. He buried his face in Jim’s neck and let himself go, his body shaking with all the emotions that were finally overwhelming him. He didn’t even try to stop himself. Jim held onto him, solid and comforting in his arms, both of his now around Ross’ waist.

‘It’s okay, baby.’ he murmured. ‘Let it out.’ Ross did, not quite crying into his shoulder as everything finally came to a head.

‘I love you.’ he whispered into Jim’s neck. ‘That’s all I could think of while it was happening. That they would kill me and I’d never get a chance to tell you that.’ He felt Jim go stiff and then relax completely.

‘I love you too.’ he whispered back. ‘I’ve never been so damned scared in my life as I was when Ortiz told me what happened.’ He pulled back and looked at Ross. ‘Are you really okay?’ Ross managed a weak smile.

‘I am now.’ he replied. Jim looked at him steadily and then stood on his toes slightly, just enough to reach Ross’ mouth. He kissed him so gently, the touch barely there and Ross melted into it, a fierce joy lighting up inside him at being able to do this, being able to tell Jim how he felt. Ignoring the pain in his face, he lifted his hands to the sides of Jim’s neck, kissing him back with a ferocity born of need, and Jim responded. He opened his mouth to Ross, his own tongue fighting back against the invasion Ross was intent on doing and they threw themselves into it, breathing hard through their noses as they tried to get as close as possible.

It was inevitable that they would be heedless of anything else and so the door opening quietly went completely unnoticed by both of them. It was the gasp that finally broke them out of their embrace. They both turned their heads at the same time to see Dwight standing there, his blue eyes wide and the expression of shock on his face unmistakeable. There was a beat of silence with the two of them still clinging to each other and then Dwight whirled around and slammed the door behind him. Ross could hear him retreating at a run and he stood there, not quite being able to believe what happened. Next to him Jim was silent and the only sound was the rain, still falling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Lady Madonna by the Beatles.


	11. Reflections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of what Dwight saw.

It took three days for the ache in Ross’ head to go away, although the pain in his face was still there, if much diminished. Anderson had him signed off for five days and three had passed already. He’d spent most of it sleeping, his body taking the time to heal itself. Demelza had appointed herself his nurse and protector and brought him meals from the mess hall and checked his condition three times a day. There had been other visitors as well, most of the nursing staff coming by to see him at one point or another. Clayton was popular and what he’d done by saving his life was something that no-one took for granted. The doctors had all come by as well, with one notable exception, and it was this that had thrown a dark shadow over everything.

Dwight was doing a masterful job of avoiding him, managing to come in and get changed while Ross was sleeping. He knew he wasn’t sleeping in the hooch and guessed he was either grabbing a cot in one of the wards or sharing Caroline’s bed. Either way he wasn’t in their room and Ross knew it was because of what he’d seen. He kept expecting Anderson to come and tell him he was going to be bounced out, given his 89 and shipped home. But nobody came and after the third day, Ross was starting to feel like he’d well and truly fucked everything up. 

He was sitting on his bed, smoking and reading Verity’s latest letter when there was a knock on the door. Thinking it was Demelza, he didn’t bother getting up. 

‘It’s open.’ he called and the door opened to reveal not Demelza but another face. 

‘Hey Doc.’ Reynolds said. ‘Can I come in?’

‘Sure.’ Ross sat up straight, aware that he probably looked a mess. His body had taken advantage of the indolence and he was dressed only in a t-shirt and his skivvies, stubbled from not having shaved for three days. Reynolds didn’t seem bothered though and came in. He grabbed one of the folding chairs and dragged it over to the bed. Ross smiled as he saw him scrutinising the injury. The dressing was now off, but the line of black stitching was livid and bruised. 

‘Doc Enys did a good job.’ Reynolds said approvingly and Ross felt a twinge at the mention of Dwight’s name. ‘It’s straight as a damn traffic line.’

‘He did.’ he replied and reached for his pack of smokes, offering one to Reynolds. ‘How’s Clay?’

‘Good.’ Reynolds said. His face was neutral but Ross could spot the slight shake of his hands as he took one of the offered cigarettes. ‘I haven’t had a chance to say thank you.’ He glanced at Ross, his eyes wary, and Ross met his gaze. 

‘I have something of yours.’ he said and reached over to the copy of Flint. He picked it up, jamming his own cigarette in the corner of his mouth as he flipped it open and took out the envelope. He held it out and Reynolds looked at it like it would burn him. Then he looked up at Ross. 

‘You know.’ he said and it wasn’t a question. 

‘I know.’ Ross replied. ‘And I won’t tell.’ Reynolds inhaled deeply on the cigarette and then took the envelope from him. He turned it over in his hands. 

‘We don’t write the names.’ he said. ‘That way no-one can figure out who it's for.’ He sighed heavily. ‘I got one too.’ His eyes were lowered and Ross could see the way his shoulders were shaking. ‘He must trust you an awful lot to tell you this.’ Ross stared at him and then decided that maybe a leap of faith was required. 

‘I think he knew I’d understand.’ he said and Reynolds looked up, his black eyes shiny with tears.

‘How’d you understand, Doc?’ he asked. ‘Ain’t nobody that understands.’ Ross met his eyes and then inhaled deeply, steeling himself for what he was about to do.

‘I understand better than you think.’ he replied and watched the realisation slowly dawn across Reynold’s face. 

‘You, Doc?’ he asked and Ross nodded.

‘Yeah.’ he said. ‘Me.’

‘Well now, if that don’t beat all.’ Reynolds inhaled again. ‘So what Warleggan said was true?’

‘Yeah it is.’ Ross inhaled and then blew out the smoke, trying to control his own emotions that were rapidly threatening to get out of hand even just talking about it. 

‘Damn.’ Reynolds said and then he gave Ross a quizzical look. ‘Who is he?’ He then seemed to realise what he’d just asked and backtracked. ‘I mean, you ain’t gotta tell me. I’m just curious is all.’

‘I can’t tell you.’ Ross said. ‘I don’t know if he’d be okay with it.’ He looked at the open window. ‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Sure.’ Reynolds said. ‘Anything.’

‘How do you do it?’ Ross asked. Reynolds looked at him and then shrugged. 

‘Clay and I met in basics.’ he said. ‘We kinda said this would be somethin’ we only do in-country, but we both know it gone way past that now. Now we can’t see a way we gonna not be able to be together. It gone so far now, he’s here in my goddam heart and he won’t go home.’ His dark eyes twinkled as he looked at Ross. ‘You an’ Hawk gonna be like that too.’ His words made Ross choke on his cigarette. 

‘What?’ he asked and Reynolds smiled at him. 

‘It obvious when you think about it.’ he said. ‘Now the way you two look at each other, it all make sense.’ He looked at Ross. ‘An’ I won’t tell neither.’ Ross gave him a half-smile.  
‘Thank you.’ he said and Reynolds shook his head. This time when he spoke his voice was thick with emotion.

‘Ain’t nothin’ to thank me for Doc.’ he said softly. ‘You saved him. You gave him back to me. I can never thank you enough for that.’ Their eyes met and Ross felt a rush of gratitude and he couldn’t even explain why he was feeling that. Maybe it was the simple fact that here was someone who was the same as he was, someone who knew what it felt like. Reynolds inhaled shakily, a little heartbroken hitch of breath that made Ross was to reach out and comfort him. 

‘Are you okay?’ he asked and Reynolds shook his head.

‘It’s so hard.’ he replied. ‘I can’t tell anyone, can’t act like I want. I gotta pretend that it ain’t that big a deal when it’s goddamn killing me inside.’ He lowered his head again. ‘I just want to go sit by him, just want to hold his hand and tell him it’s all gonna be all right.’ His voice cracked. ‘Just tell him I love him.’ He looked away. ‘I can’t even do that.’

‘I know.’ Ross said and he sighed. ‘I know how you’re feeling and it’s so goddamn unfair I can’t even tell you that it’s not.’ He was about to reach out and put his hand on Reynold’s knee when the door opened and Demelza came in balancing a tray. She saw Reynolds and her face changed to reflect her surprise. 

‘I’m sorry.’ she said. ‘I didn’t know you had company.’

‘Ain’t nothin’.’ Reynolds got up and moved to the door, not meeting her eyes. ‘Thanks Doc.’

‘Anytime.’ Ross replied and he walked out, closing the door again behind him. Demelza watched this, then turned to Ross with one coppery eyebrow raised. 

‘What the hell was that all about?’ she asked and Ross shrugged. 

‘Nothing.’ he said and she gave him a look that said she didn’t believe him but wasn’t going to push it. Instead she came over and laid the tray on his lap in a very flamboyant manner. 

‘Your breakfast, Captain.’ she said with a grin, waving her hands under his nose. It took a few seconds for Ross to spot but when he did he grabbed her hand and smiled. 

‘Son of a bitch.’ he said. ‘He did it.’ He admired the ring on hand. It was old fashioned, the stones barely chips, but she was grinning like she had the Hope Diamond on her finger.

‘I gotta give them ten out of ten for effort.’ she said grinning as she sat down on the edge of the bed. ‘I got a candlelit beach proposal with Callaghan singing Irish ballads in the background.’

‘Now that’s something I’m sorry I missed.’ Ross laughed. ‘I am so happy for you.’

‘Thank you.’ Demelza held her hand up and turned it this day and that so the diamonds could catch the light. ‘It’s beautiful.’ She looked at him. ‘We’re thinking that maybe we can swing it to get married when we get R & R.’

‘That would be amazing.’ Ross said, momentarily forgetting everything that had happened in the last few days as he basked in her obvious elation. ‘You two deserve to be happy.’ 

‘Thank you.’ Demelza said, still beaming. She sighed happily. ‘Now eat your breakfast so I can report that you’ve ingested solids and had a bowel movement.’

‘Jesus, Dem.’ Ross was laughing again, but wincing at the same time at the pain in his face as the stitches pulled. ‘Don’t fucking make me laugh.’ He lifted the lid of the plate and started getting stuck into the food in front of him. After a few moments he noticed that Demelza was quiet and watching him thoughtfully. 

‘So are you ever gonna tell me or do I have to interrogate you?’ she asked and Ross frowned, his mouth full of toast. He chewed and swallowed and then looked at her. 

‘Tell you what?’ he asked. 

‘What happened with you and Dwight?’ she asked. 

‘Nothing happened.’ Ross said and she huffed. 

‘Honestly.’ she said. ‘He’s been avoiding you and you haven’t asked after him for three days. That’s weird considering how you two are normally as thick as thieves.’ She narrowed her eyes at him. ‘I know something happened after he came to check on you that first time. After that he asked me to do it. Now I just have to figure out what it was.’ She gave Ross her most winning smile. ‘And you know I won’t rest until I do.’ Ross sighed and put his fork down. 

‘This doesn’t leave this room.’ he said and she crossed her heart and held up two fingers. 

‘Scout’s honour.’ she said. Ross thought about how best to put things. 

‘When he came to check on me, Jim was here.’ he said. Demelza frowned. 

‘Yeah he mentioned that.’ she replied. ‘But I don’t see why that would be bothering him. Jim comes to see you all the damn time.’ Ross looked at her, trying to get her to understand without having to say anything, and then huffing when she gave him a ‘so what’ gesture.

‘He walked in on us kissing.’ he said and Demelza’s eyebrows nearly flew off her face they went up so fast. 

‘Crap.’ she said. ‘I don’t suppose you could explain that away.’

‘Not really.’ Ross said, his sarcasm leaking out just a little. ‘Kinda hard to explain the fact that we were making out. It looked pretty much exactly like what it was.’ 

‘Fuck.’ Demelza said and it was so out of character for her that Ross simply stared at her. ‘That explains a hell of a lot.’ She looked at him. ‘What did he say?’

‘Nothing.’ Ross replied. ‘He just ran out the door and that’s the last I saw of him.’ He made a face. ‘It doesn’t help that I flat out lied to him when he told me about the Warleggan stuff. I basically said that it was all bullshit.’ He lifted both hands and ran them over his face, grimacing at the pain. ‘I was the one that fucked it up. If I’d just been honest with him at the beginning, this wouldn’t be a problem now.’ 

‘And maybe it would.’ Demelza shook her head. ‘I don’t blame you for lying, Ross. You can’t know how anyone will react, even someone that’s your friend.’ She reached over and put her hand on his knee. ‘You did the right thing. You were protecting yourself.’ 

‘Yeah, but I can’t blame him for reacting how he did.’ Ross replied. ‘It must have been a hell of a shock to see us like that.’ He’d had time to think about it and he knew it was true. ‘It’s not something he really wanted to know. When he asked me, you should have seen his face Dem.’ He looked up at her. ‘He was practically begging me to lie to him, to tell him I’m normal like he is. I don’t know what he would have done if I had told him the truth.’ 

‘You want me to talk to him?’ Demelza asked. ‘Maybe explain things a little.’

‘No.’ Ross said. ‘Thank you, though. This is something we have to work out between ourselves.’

‘Well, while you two assholes are sorting it out you’re not speaking to each other.’ Demelza huffed. ‘That is just stupid.’ 

‘Maybe.’ Ross said. ‘But I owe him some time. I can’t just expect him to get over it.’ 

‘Jesus, Ross.’ Demelza said. ‘It’s not like you killed someone.’

‘No.’ Ross said. He felt terrible and the hopelessness of everything was boiling in his stomach ‘It’s not. But believe me right now he probably thinks I’m dirt or worse.’ He heaved a sigh and went back to eating his breakfast, forcing himself to swallow even though it was now making him sick to his stomach.

*********

Demelza watched him, a coil of hair snaking around her finger as she started thinking. Once he was done she took the tray and they smoked a couple of cigarettes while she told him about what had been going on in the R & E in his absence. All the time her mind was working hard to come up with something. 

She left him still in bed, now tired from the emotional exertion of talking about something that was obviously still very troubling to him and went back to the mess hall to drop off the tray and then to the R & E. She walked the wards until she found Dwight doing his rounds, his normally cheerful expression missing. He was even dressed soberly in proper uniform and that more than anything told her something was very wrong. She waited until he was done with the final patient and then approached him. 

‘I wonder if I could borrow you for a second.’ she said and Dwight nodded, following her to a store room and then giving her surprised look when she closed the door behind them. 

‘Dem?’ he asked and she folded her arms.

‘I know.’ she said. ‘I know that you walked in on Ross and Jim kissing and then freaked out and that’s why you’re not talking to him and avoiding him like the plague.’ For a moment Dwight was clearly dumbstruck and then he ran his hand through his hair, his whole face falling. 

‘Fuck.’ It came out flat. ‘He told you.’

‘No, I asked and then he admitted it.’ she replied. ‘Dwight, you have to go talk to him. The longer you both leave this, the worse it will be. You’re his friend.’

‘He lied to me.’ Dwight said. ‘I asked him to his face if it was true and he lied to me.’

‘Are you surprised?’ Demelza said. ‘You know what it would mean if people found out. You’re a doctor, Dwight. You know what people think about people like that. People like him. I would have probably lied to you as well.’ 

‘I know.’ Dwight sounded miserable. ‘I know that it doesn’t change who he is…I just can’t…’ He trailed off. ‘I saw them Dem. They were…’ He grimaced and Demelza sighed.

‘He’s still Ross.’ she said. ‘He’s still your friend. He’s still an excellent doctor and he’s still a good man. The only difference now is that you know that he has someone he loves.’ 

‘How can you say that?’ Dwight asked, his voice dropping. ‘Hawk’s a man.’ He shook his head. ‘It’s not natural.’

‘I know that’s what you’ve been taught.’ Demelza said. ‘I know they teach that in every psych class and that they drill it in. But what Jim and Ross have is every bit as real as what you and Caroline do. The difference is that you and Caroline won’t ever get put in jail for loving each other. You won’t ever have to worry about being told you’re sick and wrong because the whole damn world thinks that what you two have is perfectly right.’ Her blue eyes were fierce. ‘I’ve been asked why I want to have kids that will be no better than monkeys. I’ve been asked why I let a black man touch me. I’ve had it said to me that I’m a degenerate whore for wanting to be with him, that I must be diseased and so disgusting that no white man would want me to be doing what I am.’ Her voice was full of anger and sorrow. ‘Do you know how that hurts, Dwight? You and Caroline get smiles and told what a beautiful couple you make with your perfect white skin and your blue eyes. And even that is better than what Ross and Jim will face. Ross could have his license revoked. They could be locked up in prison. If anything happens to either one of them, they will have to pretend that they don’t love each other, deny that they mean anything to each other at all and all to protect themselves from people who are too damn bigoted to realise that we all deserve to be loved and get loved back.’ She let out a deep breath. ‘I don’t want to make you feel guilty. I just want you to look at what you and Ross have, your friendship, and tell me that it’s worth throwing away because of this.’ Dwight stared at her, his eyes full of conflicted emotions. 

‘I don’t know what to do, Dem.’ he said, and he sounded so defeated that her first instinct was to comfort him. 

‘Just go talk to him.’ she said. ‘That’s all I ask.’

***********

Ross stared at the pages of Flint, trying to read but not really seeing anything. His head was too full, too many thoughts and emotions running around in there. Thankfully at that moment four men fell through his doorway and broke him out of them.

‘Morning Doc.’ Flint was all smiles. 

‘Morning yourself.’ Ross replied, smiling back at him. ‘I believe congratulations are in order.’

‘Thanks.’ Flint’s eyes were twinkling madly and Ross recognised all the signs of a man helplessly in love. He took the chair that had been left by Ross’ bed and sat down in it. LJ took the other one and Benny sat on Dwight’s bed. That left Jim. He was still lingering by the doorway as they others chattered at Ross, asking him how he was and how he was recovering. Ross smiled at him and then devoted himself to the other conversations, knowing that this was how things worked now. Jim had told the others about what had happened and they now came to visit him together so that people couldn’t say anything about Jim being in his hooch. Not only that but they always left them alone together for a while, standing guard outside. Ross was beyond grateful to them, and he knew that Jim was too. He looked around at the three men that were sitting and engaging him in three different conversations at once and smiled, feeling so incredibly happy that they had people that would do this for them. Jim watched him from the door, his dimples flickering and his blue-green eyes fixed on Ross. They talked for about half an hour, the other three telling Ross all about their missions the previous day. They were due to go back on rotation that evening and this was a short visit before they would go down to the revetment and get ready for their rotation. Eventually LJ got up from the chair. The hooch was thick with smoke and Ross was hoarse with laughter. 

‘Time we got movin’.’ he said. ‘We’ll see you later, Doc.’ 

‘Sure thing.’ Ross replied, getting shoulder slaps from Flint and Benny as they filed out. They wouldn’t leave, just hang around on the walkway outside his hooch while he and Jim got a little time together. 

Jim waited until they had gone, LJ putting his hand briefly on his shoulder as he passed, and then then closed the door. He took his hands out his pockets and came over to the bed, sitting down next to Ross. Ross watched him, then reached out and Jim took his hand. He pulled it into his lap, interlocking their fingers, and Ross moved forward so he could kiss him. It was slow and sweet, no fear of being disturbed to keep them from doing it the way they wanted now. When they separated, Jim raised his hand and traced Ross’ eyebrow on the injured side of his face very lightly with one fingertip. Ross watched him intently, smiling at him. 

‘I’m going to look awful.’ he said, a little rueful. 

‘You’re going to look like a pirate.’ Jim replied, smiling back at him. ‘And I happen to love pirates.’ 

‘Yeah?’ Ross couldn’t help the little burst of happiness at his words. ‘That’s good.’ 

‘Yeah.’ Jim ran his thumb lightly over Ross’ lower lip. ‘I also happen to love you.’ That made Ross smile widely, stitches be damned. He leaned forward, kissing Jim again and smiling against his mouth. 

‘I love you too.’ he replied when they parted. The words that had seemed so scary before were now precious, every time he got to say them a gift. ‘Now shut up and kiss me some more.’ Jim laughed and pulled him back in. They kissed for what seemed like ages, but was probably only about ten minutes in reality. By the time they finally came up for air, they were both calm and happy, all the tension gone out of them. Jim moved to sit alongside Ross, fitting himself in so he was braced against the bed frame, and Ross moved onto his side so he could snuggle under his arm and lay his head on Jim’s chest. He closed his eyes and listened to the strong heartbeat in his ear, the steady sound of Jim breathing. It was the most peaceful he’d ever felt.

‘I can’t wait.’ he said and Jim kissed the top of his head. 

‘Only a couple more weeks.’ he replied. ‘Then nothin’ but sun and sand and waves and us.’ 

‘I want it to be now.’ Ross placed his hand flat against Jim’s side, feeling his ribs underneath his palm. He loved every inch, everything that told him Jim was alive and warm and his. ‘Two weeks seems so damn long.’

‘I know, baby.’ Jim said. He shifted a little. ‘We got word that Agathe and kids are doin’ well. They’re all settled up in Da Nang.’

‘Good.’ Ross replied. He sighed. ‘I’m glad they’re out of it.’

‘Yeah.’ Jim said. He had one hand stroking through Ross’ hair and Ross felt like he could just go to sleep like this. ‘You still having the dreams?’

‘Sometimes.’ Ross replied and Jim gave him a look. ‘Yes.’

‘You know you should talk to psych, right?’ Jim said. ‘Ain’t no shame in doing that.’

‘Bullshit.’ Ross replied. ‘You think anyone’s going to trust a doctor who’s been to see the shrinks?’ He snorted. ‘Everyone’s talking about Warleggan behind his back now. I am not letting myself in for that.’ He peered up at Jim. ‘Besides it’s not like you went when you got shot down.’ He knew everything now, one of Jim’s strategies at getting him to open up being to tell Ross about all the things that had happened to him, the sharing of their experiences actually making Ross feel a whole lot better about what had happened. 

‘No.’ Jim admitted. ‘But that’s cause I don’t do so well talking about myself. It might be different for you.’

‘I doubt it.’ Ross said. ‘No, I can handle this. So long as I got you.’

‘You got me, baby.’ Jim replied, kissing his head again. ‘You got me till the end of whenever.’ That made Ross smile and he settled in properly, closing his eyes and just luxuriating in the feeling of Jim being that close.

The sound of a low whistle outside woke him up and Ross was momentarily disoriented. He hadn’t realised he’d even fallen asleep, but then the door was opening and LJ stuck his head in. 

‘Company.’ he said and Jim nodded. Ross sat up so he could get off the bed. He waited for Jim to come around the other side of the bed and they shared a final kiss. 

‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’ Jim whispered in his ear and he nodded and then let him go. He walked to the door as it opened and then Dwight was standing there staring at them, just like he had three days before. He very carefully shut the door behind him and this time the look on his face was pure uncertainty. He looked like he was torn, like he wanted to say something to both of them but couldn’t bring himself to. Jim threw Ross a glance as he got to him, hand on the door knob but not opening it. 

‘Dwight.’ he said and Dwight didn’t meet his eyes. 

‘Jim.’ he replied and Jim looked back at Ross, his eyes steely.

‘I’ll be right outside if you need me.’ he said to him and the strength in his voice made Ross want to break down crying. His breathing hitched as he fought to control the feelings that threatened to overwhelm him. 

‘I’ll be okay.’ he said and Jim gave him a half smile and then opened the door and left the hooch while not looking back at Dwight, who was now clearly back in shocked territory again. The door clicked closed and still he stood there, shifting from one foot to the other as he clearly struggled with what he had to say. Ross sighed. 

‘Will you sit the hell down.’ he said. ‘You look like you want to run for the hills.’ He gave Dwight a wry grin. ‘Which is not a good idea in these parts. Trust me, I know.’ That got a shadow of a smile.

‘I don’t know how to do this.’ Dwight finally said. ‘I don’t know what to say to what I saw the other day.’

‘It’s no different to when you and Caro do it to each other.’ Ross said. ‘I feel the same way about him, just like you do about her.’

‘That doesn’t make any sense.’ Dwight said. ‘You were engaged.’

‘I know.’ Ross replied. ‘Would it help if I told you that I’ve been confused my whole damn life?’ He ran one hand through his hair. ‘Hell, the whole damn reason I joined up was to run away from everything and everyone in my life. Coming to Vietnam was a way to leave who I was behind me, maybe find out if I could be that person.’ He shrugged. ‘I had no idea what I was looking for here, but I ended up finding him.’ He looked at Dwight. ‘He’s become everything I want, only I can’t want it because everyone who makes the rules tells me it’s wrong and I’m sick for wanting it in the first place.’ He looked down at his hands. ‘For a long time, I hated myself. There were days when all I wanted was for it to end. I think that’s also why I came here.’ He waited for an answer, then looked up again when he didn’t get one. Dwight was staring back at him, his face stricken but also sympathetic and that gave Ross hope. ‘Can you understand that?’ Dwight frowned and looked down at his own feet and then back up again. 

‘Yeah, I think I can.’ he said. 

**********

Outside, LJ leaned with his ear pressed against the door, waving a hand at Flint and Benny to shush them. Jim looked back up from where he was sitting on the walkway and shook his head as he lit a cigarette. 

‘He ain’t gonna thank you for eavesdroppin.’ he drawled and LJ gave him a look that clearly told him he didn’t care and that Jim was being an ungrateful brat because they were doing all this for his benefit. 

‘What’s he sayin’? Flint hissed at LJ and then they all turned as Demelza came down the path, her face a picture when she spotted them.

‘What are you doing?’ she stage whispered even as Flint came over and kissed her. 

‘Dwight’s in there, talkin’ to Ross.’ he explained and in a flash she was up and pressing her ear to the door next to LJ. Jim sighed in mock disappointment at her and she grinned and flipped him the bird. 

‘This is your future they’re talking about.’ she hissed at him. ‘Believe me, you do not want to piss off the best friend.’

‘Christ.’ Jim took a deep drag and then laughed as he exhaled. ‘You’re givin’ me dating advice, now?’

‘Your dumb ass needs it.’ Demelza retorted and Flint grinned at Jim. 

‘That’s my sassy fiancée, just handing you your ass.’ he said, smiling at her and she blew him a kiss. 

‘You’re all freaking nuts.’ Jim said. ‘The whole goddamn lot of you.’

*********

‘So what do we do?’ Dwight asked and Ross shrugged. 

‘I’d like us to still be friends.’ he said. ‘I haven’t changed. This is still me.’

‘I know that.’ Dwight replied. He looked at Ross. ‘I’m sorry for acting the way I did.’ He sighed. ‘It was…is… a lot to take in.’

‘I know.’ Ross said. ‘And you have to know that I never wanted to lie to you, but it’s kind of what we have to do.’

‘No, I understand that.’ Dwight said. ‘I could have maybe not put you on the spot like that.’ He glanced down at his watch. ‘I’m supposed to be checking on you.’

‘Tell Anderson I’m fine.’ Ross replied. ‘I’ll be good to go back on rotation as soon as. I’m bored as hell just sitting here.’ Dwight gave him a small smile. 

‘I’ll see you later then.’ he said and Ross returned it and waved him off as he left the hooch. 

*********

Outside Dwight stopped and looked around at the others all gathered there and trying to act as nonchalant as possible. The only one that didn’t was Jim. He got to his feet and Dwight saw the same stern look in his eyes. He walked over and stuck out a hand. Jim eyed him warily and then shook it. 

‘We’re good?’ Dwight asked and the others around them held their collective breath. 

‘Yeah, we’re good.’ Jim replied. He let Dwight’s hand go. ‘He trusts you, you know that? Guess that means I have to as well.’

‘I won’t go running my mouth if that’s what you’re worried about.’ Dwight said. ‘I gave him my word and it stands for you as well.’ 

‘Good.’ Jim was still not giving an inch and Dwight felt no small amount of admiration for the way he was standing his ground. He nodded and headed off in the direction of the R & E and they all watched until he had gone around the corner. Jim huffed and went back inside the hooch. 

‘Damn.’ Benny was leaning on LJ’s shoulder. ‘That was tense.’

‘Come on.’ LJ shrugged him off and started heading down the walkway. ‘Now that’s cleared up we may as well give ‘em their privacy.’ 

*********

Three days later and Ross was visited by Anderson who gave him the all clear and put back on rotation. It had been a good few days and Dwight seemed to have come around as well, which made him a lot happier than he realised it would. He’d come back to sleep in the hooch that first night after their conversation and things had fallen back into how they’d been. Ross had even noticed that Dwight was going out of his way to try and behave the same way he had before, although he was obviously still uncomfortable. He was now sitting on the side of his bed, lacing his boots and watching with no small amount of amusement as Dwight came back from the shower and then realised that he had to get dressed in front of him. He’d obviously forgotten to take his clothes with him (like he had been doing for the past few days) and Ross knew he’d have to take the bull by the horns. 

‘You know it’s no different?’ he said and Dwight looked at him, face reddening as he became aware he’d been caught out. ‘I didn’t stare at your dick before you found out and I’m not going to be doing it now you know.’

‘I know that.’ Dwight was quick to blurt out. ‘It’s just…weird.’

‘How?’ Ross asked around the cigarette clenched between his teeth. ‘You’ve spent a considerable amount of time walking around butt naked in front of me since November. If I haven’t jumped your ass by now, believe me I’m not going to.’ He finished with the one boot and started on the other. ‘We’re not all perverts, you know?’

‘I know.’ Dwight frowned. ‘But I can’t help looking at you differently.’ 

‘Let’s put it this way.’ Ross said. ‘Would you run around on Caro?’

‘Christ, no.’ Dwight replied, then his face smoothed out as realisation caught up with him. ‘Oh.’

‘Exactly.’ Ross said. ‘Me looking at you would be like catting around on Jim. And I am not that kind of guy.’ He stood up. ‘Now get your ass dressed so we can go to work, please.’ He gave Dwight a grin and went outside to head to the mess hall. After breakfast they got to the R & E and checked in with the night shift to do their handover and their first set of rounds. Ross got a lot of greetings from people happy to see him back and it made him feel a lot more like himself again. He threw himself in and once he was done he went to see Anderson as he’d been requested to. 

‘Ross.’ Anderson held open his office door and beckoned him in. ‘It’s good to see you up and about.’

‘It’s good to be back.’ Ross said and took the seat across from him. Anderson came to sit down as well and then chucked a piece of paper over to him. Ross picked it up and read it and then stared at him. 

‘Really?’ he asked and Anderson nodded. 

‘Should have been done the time.’ He said. ‘Can’t say that you don’t deserve it either.’ He nodded at the stitches on Ross’ face. ‘How’s it feel.’

‘Better.’ Ross said. ‘They’ll be coming out on Sunday, Dwight said.’

‘Yeah, that sounda bout right.’ Anderson said. ‘You feel up to today?’

‘Raring to go, sir.’ Ross replied. ‘I was getting bored with all the quiet.’ Anderson chuckled. 

‘You’re going to regret saying that.’ He said. ‘By the way, you may want to stop by OR and say hello. There’s someone there who’s mighty keen to see you.’ 

‘How is he?’ Ross asked.

‘Better than he could have been.’ Anderson replied. ‘You did good. He’s going to make a full recovery and should be able to get back to work in a few weeks.’

‘Thank God for that.’ Ross said. ‘I hate to think what might have happened.’

‘Yeah, it’s not an easy thing to pull through.’ Anderson said, his green eyes thoughtful. ‘Which is why I have to ask what I’m about to ask.’

‘I know you do.’ Ross replied. ‘The answer is no. I don’t need it.’

‘Fair enough.’ Anderson said. ‘I’m not going to push it on you. But I am also trusting you to be honest with me and tell me if it becomes a problem. I don’t need a doctor cracking up on rotation.’ 

‘I will.’ Ross said and got up. ‘You’ll be my first stop.’

‘Glad to hear it.’ Anderson said. ‘Come find me when you clock off. I’ll buy you a beer.’

‘Thanks.’ Ross said and left the room. He walked down the corridor and into the recovery ward. There was a door at the other end that would take him to the OR wards and where Clayton would be. He found him at the end of the line of beds. Clayton looked up and saw him coming and smiled broadly. He was in a gown and draped in the hospital bedclothes but he struggled to sit up and Ross quickened his pace to stop him. He got to Clayton and helped him to get comfortable, sticking a couple of extra pillows stolen from the empty bed next to him behind Clayton’s back. 

‘Doc.’ Clayton said, once he was settled. ‘You look like you tangled with a mean ol’ mountain cat.’ He chuckled. 

‘Better than having my guts hanging out.’ Ross retorted. He scouted around for a chair and went to fetch one, bringing it next to Clayton’s bed. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Not bad for someone that got the shit shot out of him.’ Clayton replied. ‘Christ, that hurt like a son of a bitch.’ 

‘Well, you had three rounds in you.’ Ross said. ‘Not a pleasant experience I would imagine.’ 

‘No.’ Clayton pulled a face. ‘I got a goddam colostomy bag. I can’t even shit right. And I think I got more stitches than you.’ He stopped smiling and his face turned serious. ‘Thank you, Doc.’

‘Just doing my job.’ Ross replied. ‘I’m glad you made it.’ He reached over and put his hand on Clayton’s giant paw. ‘This R & E wouldn’t be the same without you, Clay.’ Clayton looked touched and then turned his head away, abashed. Ross withdrew his hand, knowing that what they had between them was something that they would never be able to forget. 

‘I thought I was done for.’ he said quietly. ‘I thought I was gonna die.’ Suddenly Ross realised what was bothering him. He looked around and then got up and went to get a privacy screen from the other side of the ward. He put it around Clayton’s bed, noting that Clayton was now watching him intently, then came to sit back down. ‘Now we can talk.’ He kept his voice low. ‘I am not going to say anything Clay. I promised Reynolds and I’m promising you.’ Clayton’s eyes were wary, but then he seemed to almost collapse in on himself, his broad shoulders rounding over. 

‘I don’t want anyone to know.’ he murmured. ‘Nobody can know.’ 

‘I gave him the letter.’ Ross said. 

‘Yeah, he told me.’ Clayton gave him a rueful look. ‘The son of a bitch read it. Now he’s lordin’ it over me.’

‘Guess you’ll have to write him a new one.’ Ross said, smiling. It made Clayton smile as well and then he sighed. 

‘Doc…’ he started and Ross shook his head. 

‘It’s okay if he told you.’ he said. ‘I didn’t swear him to secrecy where you’re concerned.’ He shrugged. ‘It’s actually kind of nice knowing we’re not alone.’ Clayton gave him a sideways glance and then grinned. 

‘So you and Hawk, huh?’ He was almost whispering and Ross couldn’t help but smile. He had told Jim about his conversation with Reynolds and Jim had assured him that he had no problem with them knowing that he and Ross were an item. 

‘Yeah.’ he replied. ‘I guess so.’

‘You love him?’ Clayton asked and for the first time in his life Ross knew he was about to say something that he actually meant when it came to that particular subject. 

‘Like crazy.’ he replied. ‘Little bastard’s got me floating up in the clouds.’ 

‘They do that.’ Clayton replied. He laughed and then let out a deep breath. ‘When I get outta here, I’m buying you a beer Doc.’

‘And I’ll be buying you one right back.’ Ross said. He checked his watch. ‘I need to head back over, but I’ll stop by when rotation’s done.’

‘Sure thing.’ Clayton said. ‘Thanks for stoppin’ by.’ Ross nodded and put away the privacy screen before heading back to the R & E. Just as we was coming in, he ran into Demelza.

‘I was just coming to find you.’ She said. ‘68’s coming in with eight casualties, three major chest traumas and two head traumas.’ She gave him a wry smile. ‘Time to get back onto the horse, Ross.’

‘After you.’ he replied and followed her down to the triage, the sound of the Huey coming in reverberating even through the walls.

The next ten hours were brutal.

By the time it got to the end of rotation, Ross was exhausted. His face ached and his body was tired and all he wanted to do was to fall into bed. He hadn’t seen Jim all day either, 51 being assigned to the night shift for that day. He was standing at the sink, scrubbing his hands down when Dwight came and took the place next to him. Like Ross, his scrubs were blood stained and he looked dog tired. 

‘What a goddamn day.’ he said. 

‘Into the meat grinder and out the other end.’ Ross said. It was a little frightening to him how okay he’d become wit this and he’d gone back into the R & E like nothing had happened. 

‘Hey, I was thinking we could go bet a beer.’ Dwight said, deliberately casual. Ross his a smile as he realised this was Dwight’s way of extending his hand of friendship back out to him again and he nodded. 

‘That sounds good.’ he replied and he looked at Dwight, Dwight’s frank blue eyes meeting his and he saw something there that he’d not expected. Dwight was looking at him in a way that told him that it didn’t matter that he was different, that he’d lied to save himself. He was looking at him like he was a friend and that was all Ross could ask for. 

They went to the club after they came off shift and Dwight bought them both a beer. Ross didn’t really want to talk within earshot of everyone else there and so he led the way out to the ledge. The night was clear and he knew that if 51 came in she’d fly right over them. He got to one of the tables and climbed up on the seat to sit on the table-top. He took out his cigarettes and lit one. Dwight came to sit next to him and they stared out over the dark sea, barely able to just make out the waves. The sat in silence, smoking and sipping their beers until Dwight took in a deep breath. 

‘So how long have you known?’ he asked and Ross smiled as a conversation from not very long ago replayed itself in his mind.

‘I couldn’t come to terms with it until I got here.’ he said. ‘When I said I hated myself, I wasn’t kidding.’ He took a drag of his cigarette. ‘When I was in high school, it wasn’t that big of a deal. I figured I was just being a messed up kid, but then it didn’t go away and I got kind of desperate. I asked Elizabeth to marry me because I thought that was what I should do, what would make it go away. But it didn’t.’ He sighed. ‘I’ve been pretending that I don’t feel these things for so long. And then I came here and met Jim and I realised that this is who I am.’ He looked up into the night sky, spotting the tiny pinpricks of light that Jim so loved to look at. ‘In a lot of ways I feel like I’ve only just started to live.’ He looked at Dwight. ‘You can’t know what it’s been like. Everything for you and what you believe is the status quo. You’ll never be in the position where you have to hide everything you are.’

‘I know that.’ Dwight said. ‘I’m starting to realise how hard this must be.’ He looked away. ‘I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still uncomfortable, but I’ll get over it.’ He sipped his beer. ‘Who else knows?’

‘All of Jim’s crew.’ Ross said. ‘And Dem.’

‘And now me.’ Dwight said. ‘I meant it when I said I wouldn’t tell. Not even Caro.’ 

‘Not yet at least.’ Ross replied. ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t want this to become something that gets out. I’m not saying Caro would but…’

‘No, I understand.’ Dwight replied. ‘The fewer people right?’ 

‘Maybe later, when I’ve figured things out a bit more.’ Ross said. ‘You weren’t ever supposed to know.’

‘I’m glad I do, though.’ Dwight said and now that forthright sincerity was back on his face. ‘I don’t know if there’s anything I can do, but I want you to know that I’m watching your six.'

‘Thank you.’ Ross said. He leaned over and clinked his bottle against Dwight’s and Dwight grinned at him. 

‘You know I’m only staying friends with you because now I am obviously the better looking of the two of us.’ he said and Ross burst out laughing.

‘Asshole.’ he retorted and then lifted his head as the sound of a rotor reached his ears and then seconds later 51 came up over the bluff, her landing lights flooding the ledge with light and whipping up the air around it. H looked up and raised a hand, knowing that even though the landing lights prevented him from seeing Jim, Jim would be able to see him just fine. The Huey flew over them and then dropped down beyond the buildings and Ross went back to staring out over the dark, flash blinded by the landing lights and smiling. 

‘Look at you.’ Dwight was grinning. ‘I can’t believe I never saw it before. I must be fucking blind.’

‘What?’ Ross asked. 

‘That stupid ass smile you get around him.’ Dwight said. ‘I’ve only just clocked what it means.’ He laughed. ‘You’re in love with him, aren’t you?’

For the second time that day Ross got to say the words.

‘Yeah.’ he replied, lifting the cigarette to his lips and smiling. ‘I am.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from reflections by Diana Ross and the Supremes.


	12. I Only Have Eyes (For You)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim and Ross leave for Bali and a week of freedom.

Jim dumped his duffle bag on the cot and contemplated the things he was taking with him. He would be leaving in his khakis but he was not planning on staying in them for very long. He had a few changes of civvies, his cut-offs, a couple of pairs of jeans and three t-shirts and his flip flops, which went in first. He had no plans to go anywhere other than the beach and so he really had no need for anything else. He packed a towel and his wash kit, grabbed his copy of Lord of The Rings which he was planning on re-reading, his journal, surf wax and a carton of cigarettes and that was pretty much all he planned on taking. The last thing he did was pick up the puka shell necklace and shove it in a top pocket. He zipped up the bag and went back to his locker, checking he hadn’t missed anything, then took out his olive garrison cap and went to stand in front of the mirror on the side of the locker. He put it on and gave himself a critical once over, taking a second to adjust his cap and straighten his name badge before going back to shoulder his bag and head out the hooch.

It was sunny outside, the bad weather of the past few weeks having finally been dispersed. Jim stood on the top step and inhaled deeply, then headed down. He had contemplated taking his board, but Janet had assured him that she had an overabundance of boards at the house, herself and the person she referred to as ‘her Henry’ having both been avid surfers, although she said that she didn’t get into the water as much as she liked to these days. She had asked him how tall he was and Jim had replied and she’d sent the last letter stating that she was sure they would have something suitable. It did mean not having to wrestle with his own board, which he’d actually acquired from another pilot who’d been going back on the freedom bird, and being able to move around more freely.

He got down to the revetment and waved to Ortiz as he walked past the Ops shack. He’d already said his goodbyes to the others that morning and had a shopping list as long as his arm from all three of them. Ortiz gestured for him to stop and Jim waited while he came out.

‘You all set?’ he asked and Jim nodded.

‘Just headin’ down to the strip to catch my ride.’ he said. ‘Another six hours and I’m gonna be far away from all this for seven glorious days.’

‘Yeah, well it will be waiting for when you get back.’ Ortiz laughed. They shook hands and he slapped Jim on the shoulder. ‘You have a drink for me, okay?’

‘No problem.’ Jim replied. ‘I’ll see you in a week.’

He walked out onto the tarmacked road that led to the strip and thumbed a ride with a couple pf zoomie pilots. They dropped him off and gave him a cheery farewell as he went to go and sign in at the air control building. He found himself on the receiving end of a stern lecture about off base safety and then herded out to the slick that would be taking him and a couple of other guys on leave up to Da Nang. It was a novel experience being the passenger instead of the pilot for a change and Jim settled into his jump seat and stared out the window, enjoying the view as the Huey flew them up to Da Nang. Two hours later they landed and he disembarked and found himself in the much larger airport building, again being herded into a room.

He got in the door and saw a sea of khaki shirts, garrison caps folded and stowed under shoulder flashes. He looked around the room and then spotted a head of familiar dark hair and headed for it, knowing that the empty space beside the man was meant for him. He dropped into the seat when he got to it, stowing his duffle under the chair and looked into a pair of sparkling hazel eyes.

‘You made it.’ Ross said and Jim grinned.

‘Said I would.’ he replied. Ross chuckled and shook his head as a tall man with oak leaves on his shoulders came out of a door at the front.

‘Great.’ someone muttered behind them. ‘The sex talk.’ Ross gave Jim a look and saw the dimples were out in full force. Then the man addressed them and started talking. Ross’ eyes got wide and kept widening as the man ran through every possible sexually transmitted disease that they could possibly get and every conceivable manner of contracting them, followed by threats of disgrace and painful medical treatments. As a doctor, he’d heard it all before and even delivered some stern advice to soldiers that came into the 91st. Being on the receiving end though was surprisingly amusing seeing as how he and Jim actually planned on spending their leave, and he had to stifle his laughter at several points, earning him a raised eyebrow from Jim and having to fake a cough to hide the fact that he couldn’t keep a straight face. The major moved from there to criminal activity and brining the name of the US Army into disrepute, dishonourable discharges and time in the brig. By this time there were definite undercurrents of laughter going through the rest of the assembled men and he quelled them with a stern look.

‘Just remember, gentlemen.’ he said. ‘You are ambassadors for the United States Armed Forces, so act like it. Dismissed.’ There was a general break out of excitement and jovial good humour as he left the room and Ross turned to Jim.

‘Now can we get the hell out of here?’ he asked and Jim laughed. They walked out with the rest of the men to stand and wait for their appointed plane, avoiding each other’s eyes because every time they looked at each other they burst out laughing.

‘Christ.’ Jim said at one point. ‘I think we’re both delirious.’

‘No kidding.’ Ross snickered as he mentally ran through some of the less savoury points the major had left them with and felt the laughter bubbling up again.

The first leg was from Da Nang to Kuala Lampur, a journey of about three and a half hours, then they would get a connection to Bali. They boarded the plane, a commercial jetliner that was used for general transportation, and found their seats and put their bags in the overhead lockers. Because they were from the same base, they had been put next to each other and they stopped briefly to argue over who got the window seat before flipping a coin for it, a time honoured method of settling disputes in the 54th. Jim won and took his seat, grinning at the way Ross was sulking.

The plane took off and Jim watched the ground fall away out the window. The flight from Da Nang took them south and he found himself charting it in his head, calculating flight times and distances. Next to him, Ross was hunched down in his seat, already starting to fall asleep. Jim smiled at him and left him to it, leaning on one elbow as he looked out the window.

The flight was uneventful and Ross even started snoring at one point. He woke with a start as they landed, the plane’s tyres hitting the tarmac with a bump, and gave Jim a sleepy look that made Jim want to kiss it right off his face. He resisted that particular urge and they disembarked with no major fuss and entered the airport. Because they were going to be taking a commercial flight to Bali itself, they were now able to go and get changed out of their uniforms. There was an hour’s wait until they would be catching their connecting flight so they headed for the men’s room to get changed and start their leave.

While they were getting into their civvies, Jim took the opportunity to go over and look at the new decoration on Ross’ chest before he changed out of his uniform. Ross stood still while he inspected the little oblong of red traversed with a blue stripe bordered with white, grinning at him.

‘Fancy.’ he said with a smile and Ross looked down at it.

‘It’s the opposite of yours. I only just noticed that.’ he said, nodding at the blue bar, with red and white stripes that Jim wore on his left breast pocket underneath his wings. He had more medals than Ross did, accounting for his extra year of service, and Jim saw him looking at them quizzically.

‘That one is my DFC.’ he said, pointing at it. ‘The blue and yellow one is my Air Medal and the green and white one is my Commendation medal. You see we have these two that are the same?’ He reached out and ran his finger over the two ribbons he and Ross both wore – the red, white, yellow and blue striped National Defense Service Medal and the yellow, green and red Vietnam Service Medal. His eyes sparkled as he looked at Ross. ‘But I ain’t got that one.’ This was accompanied by a none too gentle poke in the ribbon in question.

‘It’s nothing.’ Ross said, abashed. ‘It’s not like I’m some sort of war hero or anything.’

‘I don’t know about that.’ Jim said, leaning back against the line of sinks and smiling at him. ‘A Bronze Star is a pretty big deal.’ His smile widened as he gave Ross a look that made shivers go down his spine. ‘It’s kinda hot.’

‘Stop it.’ Ross could feel his face heating up, even as he battled to tone down the smile that split his face almost in half.

‘Hell.’ Jim said, his eyes now turning slightly feral. ‘I’m just getting started, Doc.’

‘Why do I think that we’re getting very little sleep this trip?’ Ross asked and Jim laughed, light and happy and making Ross’ heart skip.

‘Because we won’t be.’ he replied and went back to what he was doing.

They left the men’s room, now dressed on clothes that Ross felt didn’t sit right. He’d been in uniform for a year and his light shirt, sleeves rolled up on his elbows, and chinos felt almost insubstantial compared to the no-nonsense cotton poplin of his uniform. His deck shoes weighed nothing after over six months of running around in combat boots. Overall he felt wrong, like he was masquerading at being the man who’d gone to the Army from his cushy life and found that he thrived there.

Jim was an even bigger shock. Ross wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting but the man next to him wasn’t it. He’d known that Jim would be as turned out as himself, but the worn blue jeans and blue and white baseball t-shirt had revealed someone that looked like a teenager rather than a seasoned veteran pilot. Jim was wearing grubby white Keds that were wearing through at the sides and his puka shell necklace was now around his neck, his dog tags tucked out of sight. Only the regulation short hair seemed out of place on him and Jim noticed his scrutiny and ran one hand through it.

‘It was the only thing that pissed me off about joining up.’ he said and Ross frowned. ‘I used to have it long.’ He chuckled at the look on Ross’ face. ‘It’s almost as curly as yours.’ This was said with a bite to his lower lip, a sweet little nervous tic Ross had discovered Jim had, and he felt a desperate urge to kiss him.

‘You must have looked cute as hell.’ he said, lowering his voice and Jim laughed again.

‘I did.’ he replied, giving Ross another of those heated looks and Ross was grateful that he’d at least mastered the art of willing away unwanted erections because right then Jim was doing things to him that were not fit for polite company to know about.

They found a couple of empty seats and sat waiting until their flight was called. Then they walked out onto the landing strip and climbed the stairs into the plane and found their seats. It was now so close, only another two hours until they would be free from everything for a week, free to think about nothing but each other. They chatted on and off, eventually falling into an oddly comfortable silence until as the plane took off and they were on their way. Jim looked across at Ross. As commiseration he’d given him the window seat this time and the light had caught Ross’ eyes and turned them amber. He felt light inside, happier than he could ever remember being and wondered if his crack about being delirious might have any truth to it.

The last leave he’d had had been his pilgrimage across the South Pacific and it had been wonderful, just him, his board and the waves. But now Jim knew that something had been missing, that Ross shaped puzzle piece that seemed to now have been filled. The near brush with death had sped things up between them, the last two weeks edging them both closer to each other. Dwight’s acceptance of their relationship had also aided things, but even with that they had still spent precious little time together and Jim could almost feel himself vibrating with anticipation. To calm himself he dug out Tolkien and started reading.

‘You know, I’ve never read that.’ Ross said, glancing down at the book. ‘I haven’t read much of anything since I left high school.’ He gave Jim a rueful smile. ‘All those damn medical textbooks.’

‘Yeah, but think about how much you know.’ Jim replied. ‘And this is kind of required reading for an English major.’

‘I can see you as a teacher.’ Ross said. ‘I think it’d suit you. You ever think about going back to college after this?'

‘Not really.’ Jim said, not quite sure where Ross was going with that line of conversation. ‘I’m kind of playing it day by day. But if I could, then yeah. I would like to go back, finish up and get my teaching certificate. I can’t go home and be a fisherman and live in my dad’s house forever.’

‘No.’ Ross looked away so Jim couldn’t see the expression on his face. ‘You think about moving somewhere else?’ He shrugged, trying to be casual. ‘Lots of schools in Boston.’

‘I’m sure there are.’ Jim was giving him a wary look. ‘Maybe we should talk about this later.’ He nodded at some of the other people that were scattered around them, the flight being mostly empty. Ross looked back out the window and Jim went back to his book, but now there was something scratching at the back of his mind. He hadn’t given going back too much thought, not wanting to jinx himself.

But maybe….just maybe.

‘It was a stupid idea.’ Ross’ voice was low. ‘It’s not like it could happen anyway.’ To his surprise, those words cut Jim to the quick.

‘Okay.’ he replied, sharper than he’d intended to be. ‘It’s not like I was asking.’

‘Whatever.’ Ross wasn’t looking at him, his voice now offhand and Jim felt bad for having dismissed him so out of hand. It irked him that he hadn’t considered how Ross might have felt when he answered, but then it also wasn’t something he ever considered a possibility. This little wartime romance of theirs was probably going to be over the second Ross stepped on his freedom bird to go home to his society family and his life as a doctor and he’d forget all about the small town boy he’d had a fling with while the rest of the world went crazy around them.

Jim sat back, shutting up as he always did when he was feeling uncomfortable, and now all he could see was the huge risk they were taking by doing this, the way he was putting himself out there to run after a dream that was always going to be an impossibility.

‘Sure.’ he replied, his own voice coming out flat. ‘Whatever.’

They sat in silence for the rest of the trip, and the tension between them grew second by second until Jim couldn’t take it anymore. He got up and took his duffle bag down, getting a quizzical look from Ross. He unzipped it and dug around for his journal and a pencil, then ripped a page out and put everything back. By the time he sat down again, Ross looked downright confused by the entire scenario.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ he hissed and Jim threw him a look.

‘What does it look like I’m doing?’ he hissed back and then scribbled on the paper. He shoved it at Ross and after a second’s hesitation Ross took the paper and read it.

_Do you want me to come to Boston?_

He looked at Jim, then took the pencil from him and wrote a reply.

_Yes._

Jim huffed when he saw the word, now also starting to feel confused.

_Why?_

Ross glared at him and then wrote.

_Because I thought that maybe you’d want to be with me._

Jim read the words and gave him an incredulous look. He took the paper and pencil back and wrote a reply.

_Be with you how?_

Ross rolled his eyes like Jim was being dense. His scribbling even had an annoyed sound to it.

_Lots of guys share apartments. Nobody would ask questions._

That would have rendered Jim speechless if he’d been speaking.

_You’re asking me to move in with you?_

Ross shrugged again.

_Just a thought. This doesn’t have to end when the war does._

He handed Jim back the paper and watched him read it, then quickly took it back and wrote something else.

_I don’t want it to._

Jim stared at the words and then looked up at him. Ross’ eyes were hopeful, the emotion in their hazel depths making him look young and trusting and in love. In that second Jim realised that he didn’t want it to end either. He took the pencil from Ross’ hand and then leaned over to write the thing that would probably damn them both.

_Me neither._

**********

They were talking again by the time the plane landed, twenty minutes later. Jim took down his bag and then Ross’, chucking it at him and grinning as Ross exhaled sharply when it hit him in the chest. He smiled and swung his own onto his shoulder and started making his way down the aisle. Ross followed behind him, muttering about getting his own back later and Jim turned and merrily flipped him off. This got a glare and more muttering about asshole pilots.

They came out the exit into bright sunshine. The air was thick and sultry, the scent of green vegetation and jet fuel pervasive as they made their way down the stairs and onto the tarmac. Like Chu Lai and Da Nang, this airport was small and the terminal building was fairly rudimentary. They got to the doors and went in, going through passport control and customs and on to the other side as they walked down to the arrivals area.

‘So what’s Janet look like?’ Ross asked, peering over the heads of the people around them. He stood out due to his height, and was getting a lot of curious looks.

‘Fifties, short hair and Australian.’ Jim replied. ‘That’s pretty much all she said.’

‘Well, that’s not very helpful.’ Ross replied but then he was interrupted by a decidedly Australian voice calling them in the time honoured manner by simply shouting ‘Lads!’ at them. The person calling was indeed a woman who could have been in her fifties. Ross had never been very good at judging ages. She was almost as tall as him, her mannishly short ash blond hair silvering at the temples. Ross also noted that her clothing was as practical as her manner seemed to be, slacks and a man’s shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a pair of open-toed sandals on her feet. Her eyes were grey and twinkled cheerfully at them as she approached with a hand-made cardboard sign in her hands that had their names on it.

‘You must be Jim.’ she said and Jim smiled and nodded, holding out a hand.

‘And you must be Janet.’ he replied and she gave him a mock salute which was actually better than most salutes Ross could produce.

‘Well, your description was spot-on.’ she said. ‘Short and blond and tall and dark.’ The accent made her ‘a’ stretch out in a manner that sounded almost New England to Ross’ ears. ‘I’ve got the car out back if you are good to go?’

‘Sure.’ Jim replied. ‘This is pretty much everything we bought with us.’

‘Fantastic.’ Janet turned and beckoned for them to follow her. ‘This way.’

She led them out the building after a stop off on duty free and through the small lot to a car that made Ross’ eyes widen first in surprise and then in amusement.

‘Um, exactly how are we all going to fit into that?’ he asked and Janet laughed.

‘I forget that you American boys are used to your big cars.’ sihe replied. ‘And I suggest that Jim here goes in the back seeing as he’s smaller than you.’ She looked Ross up and down. ‘You might have to stick your legs out the window.’ That made Jim laugh and Ross swiped at him.

They got in the car, Jim sliding into the back behind the front seat Ross had pulled forward and then he got into the front next to Janet. He wound down the window and let the slight breeze in, the heat already more and different to what it was like in Vietnam.

‘You’ve come at a good time.’ Janet said, looking at Jim in the rearview mirror. ‘The waves have been good this week.’

‘I’m looking forward to it.’ Jim replied. ‘Howie told me that you’ve got a sweet left hand break down your side.’

‘Oh we do.’ Janet smiled. ‘Wait till you see it. You’re never going to want to leave.’ She started the car. ‘It’s about forty minutes to Uluwatu. We can stop at the local market on the way in, get supplies for the next week.’

‘No problem.’ Jim said. One of the arrangements was that while Janet provided her cooking services, she expected them to buy the food they would be consuming. That wasn’t a problem as their dollars would go very far in terms of the local products. The most expensive things would be the alcohol and cigarettes they would consume during their time there, and Ross had bought two cartons, one for themselves and one for Janet as requested. They took off, navigating the traffic at surprising speed for a car that sounded like it ran on batteries. Janet drove like a woman possessed and they frequently got thrown around the car as she took corners.

‘It’s the roads.’ she explained. ‘Nothing is straight here.’ Ross caught Jim’s eye in the mirror and they both smiled at each other.

‘Definitely sounds like our kind of place.’ Jim said and Ross had to stifle a laugh.

They drove out of the town and south towards the small hamlet of Uluwatu where Janet’s house was. It was just a short walk from the beach that Howie, Jim’s friend who had stayed there before, had said had the sweet left hand break. The house was set up on a hill with a terraced fruit garden between it and the smaller timber house that actually overlooked the western side of the beach. The roads were narrow and winding but that didn’t stop Janet from speeding along them at a pace that had Ross wincing on several occasions.

The village was a collection of the typical grass roofed timber buildings and they parked in a seemingly random spot in the middle of the road and got out to follow Janet to a tiny shop. She loaded them both up with supplies after ascertaining that they weren’t particularly fussy with regards to food, and then they carried the groceries to the car and loaded them in, leaving Jim with even less space than he’d had before. The rest of the drive was a constant battle to prevent things flying around the car and by the time they pulled up outside a low set whitewashed building, they were both snickering at the fact that Jim was now wedged in a corner.

‘Good thing I didn’t bring my board.’ he said and Janet chuckled.

‘My Henry has a collection.’ she said. ‘Guaranteed one will fit you.’

They more or less fell out the car and helped Janet with the groceries. The door at the side of the building was open and they followed her into a small kitchen and dumped everything on the table, getting greeted by two sandy coloured dogs of some unidentifiable breed that came and gave them a very friendly greeting, wagging their tails and sticking their snouts under their hands to requests scratches. Jim seemed smitten, dropping to his knees to play while Ross watched and smiled at him.

Through the door out of the kitchen Ross could just see a long sitting room which seemed to be far more modern than he’d expected. The kitchen itself was also well appointed, something that surprised him. Janet directed them as she put things away.

‘The bungalow’s just down the track in front of the house.’ she explained. ‘You can take your gear down there and get settled. Dinner’s at six and you can come up and just wander in. We don’t stand on ceremony so you can come how you are.’ She handed a key on a green plastic tag to Ross. ‘The wood for the water heater is round the back, and just help yourselves to anything in the garden that takes your fancy.’

‘Thank you.’ he replied and she nodded and went back to what she was doing.

They grabbed their bags and the crate of Bintang they had bought from the village shop and started making their way down the slope, carrying it between them. The garden below the house sloped gently down to another terrace and the roof of a building could just be seen through the vegetation. The air was thick with the smell of flowers and dirt, a lush rich smell. It was quiet out here, no sounds of anything resembling civilisation, just birdsong and the sound of waves not too far away. Ross could almost pinpoint the second Jim heard them, his whole body going into a state of alertness and anticipation etched on his face.

They got to the building and saw it was one of the traditional timber ones they had seen dotted alongside the roads and in the village. Ross set his end of the crate down and his bag on the floor and unlocked the padlock on the door, opening it and heading inside. Jim followed and they explored the three rooms. The one at the far end had a double bed, the iron bedframe painted a dull grey. It was made up and draped in a mosquito net and there was a small desk and chair at the window and a set of shelves against the wall. The room in the middle was a living room of sorts with a couple of low couches of traditional carved wood. There was also a gas fridge and a small table with a gas plate on it and another set of shelves that held a kettle and some tin cannisters for tea and sugar. A scout in the fridge revealed milk and enough room for them to pack about a third of the crate into it. The last thing was a tin water container with a spout that presumably held water for drinking and tea. The room on the other side was also a bedroom, this time with twin beds. A door out the back of this room led to a timber walled courtyard with an outdoor shower and toilet hut, as well as a few spare gas bottles and a stack of firewood and a sink built against one wall where they could wash up or do laundry. Finally, there was an old fashioned metal stove that would heat the water in the storage tank connected to the shower.

They went to retrieve their things and brought them inside the house. The crate of beer went in the living room and some of the bottles stashed in the fridge to cool. Then they found themselves standing and giving each other meaningful looks as they hesitated over which bedroom to take.

‘This is ridiculous.’ Jim finally said. He took his bag and went into the room with the double bed. ‘Get your ass in here, Doc.’

Ross followed a little more slowly. Everything inside him was rebelling at the idea of he and Jim sharing a bed, all his staid and repressed upbringing screaming that he was being perverted by wanting to sleep next to Jim, hold him and take him if he so chose. He ignored the voice in his head and placed his bag on the bed next to Jim’s while Jim opened the wooden shutters that passed as windows and threw them back, revealing a view that looked all the way down over green trees to a flash of bright turquoise water and white sand. He leaned on the sill and looked out, the sun catching his hair and throwing shadows across his face, making it dappled by the trees.

Ross stared at him, the sight of Jim so at ease and lacking in the almost hyperactive energy that typified him back on the base going right through him. He walked over and moved up behind him, looking over Jim’s shoulder.

‘It’s beautiful here.’ he said and Jim turned to look at him. Ross started when he felt Jim’s hand on his waist but then Jim pulled him in and kissed him so unselfconsciously that he completely forgot himself and kissed back. It felt so natural that Ross let himself get lost in it, only opening his eyes when Jim finally let him go.

‘Last one down’s a loser who can’t keep up.’ he said with a smile that brought the dimples out to play and then next thing he knew, Ross was chasing him out the bungalow and down the pathway that led from the building into the trees. Ahead of him, Jim was laughing, breathless and light, and he was a hell of lot quicker than Ross had given him credit for being. They ran down the dirt track until it flattened out behind a series of massive rocky outcrops at the top of the beach. Jim slowed to a walk and Ross finally caught up with him, both of them staring at the huge rocks on either side. The dirt had changed to fine sea sand and Jim hopped from one foot to the other as he toed off his Keds and made short work of taking off his socks as well, balling them up and sticking them in the toes then tying the laces together so he could sling his shoes around his neck. He started walking into the stone maze, leaving behind footprints. Ross followed him, craning his neck to see how far up the boulders went. There was nothing down here but the sound of the waves and the cry of something that Ross didn’t recognise.

‘Monkeys.’ Jim replied when he asked. ‘They’re all over the place in Asia.’

‘Seriously?’ Ross asked, feeling a childlike hope that he would see some. He’d only seen them in zoos and there weren’t enough trees around the base at Chu Lai for them to come close.

‘Yeah.’ Jim sounded very happy. ‘This place is like something right out of Treasure Island.’ He stopped and looked back at Ross, his eyes shining. ‘And there’s nobody around, which is probably the best part. Janet said in her letter that no-one comes down here at all.’

They kept walking through the boulders, seeing how some of them had been worn underneath to form caves, but Jim was intent on getting to the beach and so they didn’t stop to explore. Finally they rounded a corner and came back out into the sunshine at the southern part of the beach which curved up and away from them in a gentle bend. The boulders were a feature, changing to sheer rocky cliffs topped with thick green plants. Not only that but there wasn’t a single person in sight.

It was a close to paradise as Ross thought you could get.

He turned to look at Jim and saw that he hadn’t given the beach so much as a glance. Instead he was standing staring out over the sea with his mouth hanging open.

‘Holy shit.’ he breathed and the reverence in his voice made Ross frown and then look at what he was so taken with. He was the first to admit he knew absolutely nothing about surfing, although he loved to listen to Jim talk about it. But even he could see these waves were different than any others he’d seen. The came rolling in one after another in almost perfect parallel lines, curling in over themselves to form tubes of water that carried on for ages until they ran themselves out in a mass of creamy froth against the beach. He looked back at Jim, the sheer delight on his face making a lump form in Ross’ throat. He’d never seen him look like that, like he was completely free of everything that made him sad or angry or tied him to this world where he was constantly disappointed.

‘That’s good, right?’ he asked and Jim laughed.

‘You have no idea.’ he replied and then turned and immediately started walking back into the maze of boulders.

‘Hey, where are you going?’ Ross called. He’d been anticipating maybe a walk down the beach in the direction of the monkey noises.

‘You’re kidding, right?’ Jim called back, laughter now bubbling up through his voice. ‘I’m headin’ back up to get a board and then I’m getting out there.’ He was smiling so widely his dimples were like caves. ‘That is hands down one of the most beautiful things, apart from you naked, that I have ever seen. I’m sorry but you’re goin’ to have to go hunt monkeys by yourself.’

Ross sighed and jogged to catch up with him, following him back through the stones until they were headed up the hill. When they got to the bungalow, they found a rather curious goat had wandered in. Ross shooed it out and then went to get changed. Jim was already way ahead of him, clothes flying as he dug out his baggies and flip flops from his bag. He got undressed and Ross did the same, switching out his shirt and chinos for his cut offs and a khaki t-shirt. He had no flip flops so put his deck shoes back on and then followed Jim out the bungalow. They headed back to the house, coming around to the kitchen door again. There was now a small flock of chickens gathered outside, pecking at scraps that had been thrown to them. Janet was still in the kitchen and she came to the door wiping her hands on a cloth as they approached. The dogs were behind her, coming past and wagging again as they nosed at Jim.

‘You’ve been down to the cove?’ she asked and Jim nodded.

‘I have.’ he replied. ‘You weren’t kidding.’

‘Sweetest left hand break on the whole coast.’ Janet said, smiling at him. ‘Come on, we’ll get you a board.’ She led then around the back of the house to a shed and cracked open the door. ‘Mine are probably a little long, but Henry’s should suit.’

‘Henry doesn’t surf anymore?’ Jim asked as he went inside, peering into the gloom.

‘Not since the accident.’ Janet replied. She didn’t offer anymore details and neither of them pressed her. Jim went to the back, where there were about seven boards all stacked up on racks at the back. Ross leaned in the doorway while he took them down one after the other. Janet smiled as she watched him scrutinise and heft each board, carefully putting them back after he had made his choice. It was a shorter board, the end cut with a sharp v that created two tails. It was a pearlescent sun blush pink and soft green and Jim came back out with it under one arm. Ross noticed that it had twin fins underneath, unlike Jim’s board in Chu Lai.

‘Done.’ he said to Janet and she looked on approvingly.

‘You surf short?’ she asked and Jim nodded.

‘I tried longboards but they’re really not my style.’ he replied. ‘I like these. They move around the waves better.’

‘Well, you can just keep it down there until you go back.’ Janet said. She looked at Ross. ‘You don’t surf?’

‘God no.’ Ross laughed. ‘I haven’t got the first clue.’ He shrugged. ‘I’ll probably just go lie in the sun. I should have bought something to read.’

‘What do you like?’ Janet asked and Ross shrugged again.

‘I’m not too fussy.’ he replied. ‘I normally read crime stuff.’

‘How about some Modesty Blaise?’ Janet asked and Ross frowned.

‘I don’t think I’ve read those.’ he said and she grinned.

‘You’ll love them.’ she replied and disappeared back into the kitchen and through the door at the back. She came back with a couple of paperbacks and then proceeded to take down a wicker basket from the top of the fridge. She packed it with some a couple of cold drinks from the fridge and some waxed paper wrapped sandwiches, some fruit and then stuck the books in on top and handed it to Ross. They both thanked her and she waved them both off.

They took their time walking back down, and Ross got a better look into the thick trees on either side, spotting some lithe bodies flinging themselves through the trees much to his delight. He pointed them out to Jim who snorted with laughter and gave him a look over his sunglasses.

‘Just don’t feed the little fuckers.’ he said. ‘Otherwise we’ll never get rid of them.’ Ross glared at him and decided to do exactly that.

Once they came back out onto the beach, Ross was ready to kick back for a bit and read. They’d picked up their towels from the bungalow along with his cigarettes and Ross set the basket down and laid his towel out on the sand while Jim discarded his t-shirt and flip flops and started waxing up the board with the block he’d stashed in the pocket of his baggies.

‘What’s that for?’ Ross asked, pulling his own shirt off and sitting down on the towel. He leaned back on his hands, eyes closed behind his sunglasses as he drank in the warmth and the breeze off the water, so different from the muggy suffocating heat of Chu Lai.

‘It gives me grip.’ Jim replied. He finished and chucked the wax into his puddled towel and picked up the board. ‘You gonna be okay out here by yourself?’

‘Uh-huh.’ Ross could already feel every bit of tension and tiredness evaporating. He lay down, hands behind his head. ‘You go have fun, babe.’ The word came out automatically and then he realised what he’d said. He opened his eyes to see Jim standing over him, grinning. Then he kicked sand over Ross feet and ran off down the beach chuckling as he made his way to the water. Ross swore at him and sat up to shake the sand off and then lay back down. He toyed with the idea of reading one of the books Janet had given him and then gave up as a wave of fatigue washed over him. He closed his eyes, telling himself it was just for five minutes, and fell asleep.

**********

He woke later with the touch of a hand on his ankle. At first Ross thought it was Jim and then realised that the hand was far too small. He cracked open one eye and then inhaled sharply as he realised what it was. Not wanting to scare the intruder, he moved very slowly until he was up on his elbows and then looked at his visitor. The monkey looked back at him, completely unafraid. Its warm gold eyes were almost human in their expression and it had pink skin under its thick white and grey fur, large tufts making it look like it was sporting a rather magnificent beard.

Ross held his breath, not wanting to make any sudden moves that might chase the monkey away. He eased himself into a sitting position and the monkey shifted and chittered at him nervously, then turned tail and fled down the sand into the trees. Sighing in disappointment, Ross stretched and looked out towards the sea. He squinted against the sun, and then spotted the figure out at the back of the lines of waves. He got up, stretching again. The sleep in the sun had done him wonders and he strolled down to the water’s edge, yawning and rubbing his eyes behind his sunglasses.

Jim was sitting on his board, bobbing up and down on the swells and Ross wondered if he was actually surfing or just riding the waves. He got his answer when a long wave came in and Jim turned to paddle for it. Now Ross could see the skill with which he popped up and rode it, staying just inside the tube of water and sending up a tuft of spray as he trailed his fingers along the inner surface. He didn’t ride along and up the crest this time, just went with it until it died and he slowed and dropped back down.

Ross watched him paddle back out again, then looked up and along the beach. He frowned as he suddenly noticed the pointed roof of what looked like a building. He hadn’t noticed it earlier but now he found himself wondering what it was. He started walking towards that side of the beach, sticking close to the tide mark. As he did, he could feel the sun now on his back and realised it must have been after noon. As he walked he stopped every now and then to examine one of the unusual shells washed up by the waves. When he got to the end he could go no further, cut off by cliffs. Ross checked his watch and saw that it was just after five. That surprised him because the sun still felt pretty strong and also because he hadn’t through he’d slept as long as he had.

He started retracing his steps and as he did Ross noticed that Jim was riding another wave. This time though he didn’t stop, but let the current bring him all the way in. He picked up the board and came out of the water, hair slicked down and his skin shiny. His tan was coming along nicely, and Ross admired him as he got closer, watching as Jim stuck his board in the sand. He saw him walking and waited, shaking himself like a wet dog so his hair spiked up, raking one hand through it and smiling at Ross when he got to him. 

‘Sleeping beauty finally up?’ he asked and Ross returned the smile.

‘I feel great.’ he said. ‘I haven’t slept like that in ages. In fact, I could probably sleep for a few more hours.’

‘Well, I’m done for the day.’ Jim said, reaching for Ross’ wrist and checking the time. ‘I’ve been out there almost five hours.’ He smiled. ‘I’m surprised I haven’t dissolved yet. This is the longest I’ve been in the water for months.’

‘It suits you.’ Ross said. ‘You look happy.’ He meant it. Jim’s eyes were bright and his smile was carefree and it made Ross fall even harder with every passing second. He threw caution to the wind, stepping forward and hauling Jim up into his arms and off his feet, kissing him on his now rather freckled nose and then his cold wet mouth, blissfully happy and realising that this was really all he wanted out of life. Jim threw both arms around his neck and kissed him back with a serious amount of enthusiasm.

‘This.’ he said when they separated. ‘This is what I wanted.’

‘I am glad you decided to let me tag along.’ Ross replied, still peppering his face with kisses.

‘Your nose is pink.’ Jim said. ‘Maybe we should get back. I’m kinda hungry.’

‘You can have my lunch if you want.’ Ross said, realising that he was also starting to feel the same. Meals at Chu Lai were regular and timed the same each day and his stomach had decided that it was indeed time for food. Jim laughed and Ross set him down.

‘I’m glad you think there’s anything left.’ he said. ‘Did you get any visitors this afternoon?’ He picked up the board and they started walking up the beach. When they got to Ross’ towel he saw something he hadn’t noticed earlier. The basket had been raided, strips of wax paper littered around and the food pretty much gone. The only things left were the bottles of Royal cola.

‘Damn.’ Ross said, kneeling down and picking up the paper. ‘The little thieving bastards.’

‘I warned you.’ Jim replied and helped him collect the litter before they packed everything up and started walking back up to the house. By now the tide was starting to come in and they had to wade in some places, then took a slow climb back to the bungalow. Jim set the board down in the living room area and then disappeared out the back. Ross stood and dusted his feet off and then decided to go find him. Jim was outside in the courtyard under the spray of the shower, washing off the salt water. As Ross watched, he stripped off his baggies and rinsed them out , then hung them over the wooden fence to dry.

That left him very much naked.

Ross leaned against the door frame and looked him up and down.

‘You’re very dark.’ he said admiringly. ‘I don’t tan like that.’ Jim turned and looked at him.

‘I kinda spend most of my time in the sun when I’m home.’ he replied. ‘I’ve always been this brown.’ He dragged his fingers through his hair and that was enough to make Ross’ body start paying very close attention to the play of muscles in Jim’s shoulders and arms, the glitter of water on his dog tags. He rarely got to do this. If they were with other people, he never took the risk of staring this openly but here he had no limits and he could look as much as he wanted to.

His eyes dropped automatically to Jim’s right thigh, spotting the little indentation immediately. The scar was on both the front and back of his leg, the placement telling Ross just how close a call that shot had been. The skin there was discoloured, silvery white against Jim’s tan, and Ross knew that if he ran his fingertips over it that he’d feel the characteristic ridging that bullet scars had. Jim hated it, he knew that, but he found it fascinating and an indication of the strength of will that the man in front of him possessed.

‘Did it hurt?’ he asked and Jim looked at him and then realised what he was referring to.

‘I don’t really remember.’ he replied. ‘I think my adrenaline was so high it stopped me from feeling any pain.’ He switched the water off. ‘I remember pressure and a lot of blood, but that’s about it. It hurt like a motherfucker when I woke up in the 91st though.’ He walked over to Ross, and Ross’ hands itched to touch him. He started to resist and then remembered he didn’t have to. He smiled and pulled Jim close, one arm around him and the other pushing his wet hair out of his eyes. Jim came easily, smiling back and blinking lazily up at him.

‘We should go inside.’ Ross said, his voice pitching down as his heart sped up. His cock was now also in the game and he could feel that Jim’s too.

‘Or we could fuck out here.’ Jim replied. He had his hands at Ross’ waist, sliding under the t-shirt and scratching at his skin. His breathing was starting to speed up a little and he was staring at Ross’ mouth as if hypnotised.

That gave Ross an idea.

He pushed Jim away so his back was against the wooden fence and dropped to his knees, taking in the look of complete and utter shock that flew across Jim’s face only to be replaced by such naked lust that it took Ross’ breath away. He grew bold and leaned back on his heels to look at what was in front of him, Jim’s cock barely inches from his face. He wasn’t cut like Ross was, and Ross reached for him, wrapping his fingers around the shaft and pulling back until he could see the head, the shine on it nothing to do with water.

‘Ross…’ Jim was breathless now, and Ross looked up at him. Jim was panting softly, cheeks flushed and eyes hazy at he watched him. Ross smiled and then leaned in, breathing in the smell of sea water and Jim’s body, then flicked his tongue out against the head. The slick had a neutral clean taste and he used his tongue in slow flat licks, lingering over the slit and just under the head until he heard Jim start to moan. He was very wet now, the slick starting to run the down the side of his cock and Ross lapped it up slowly. He was so hard it hurt, his cock straining against his cut offs. He glanced down at himself and then heard Jim speak.

‘Do it.’ Jim was looking at him, his eyes burning. ‘Touch yourself so I can see you.’

‘Fuck.’ Ross let him go and struggled with the buttons until he could pull himself free. He couldn’t wait, stroking himself a few times and then looking back up. Jim was doing the same, hand moving slowly and Ross felt like he was on fire, the heat in his chest expanding and flooding every part of him. It was so arousing to see Jim like this, completely uninhibited and in the light. It made him real, made what they were doing real. He moved forward again and pushed Jim’s hand away, taking him in his mouth and sucking hard until Jim was crying out, little sounds that were rough and broken. He was thrusting gently into Ross’ mouth and Ross used his free hand to reach for one of Jim’s and guided it to his head. He loved the way Jim ran his fingers through his hair and pulled on it when they fucked and he wanted it now. Jim obliged, sinking his fingers into Ross’ hair and tugging lightly as his hips sped up. Ross relaxed and took it, matching the movements of his own hand to Jim’s. He was breathing hard through his nose, so close that he felt like he was teetering on a knife edge. He sank down as far as he could and felt Jim’s body tighten up, then the acrid burst of semen on his tongue. He shuddered, Jim’s orgasm and the way he doubled over Ross’s head as his final cry drew out enough to kick off his own climax and he came over his hand, the sensations filling him up and spilling over until he could hardly breathe. He drew off, spitting the excess semen onto the ground, and sat back again. Jim stared down at him, his pupils blown and his mouth open as he panted.

‘You.’ he said and Ross smiled at him. ‘Damn, you learn real quick, Doc.’

‘I have a good teacher.’ he replied and grimaced at the cum all over his hand. Jim laughed and hauled him up under the arms and Ross walked on shaky legs to the sink and rinsed his hand off, then discarded his shorts and washed the rest of himself. Behind him, Jim had the water on again, ducking under to rinse himself and wash the residue on the ground away.

They went back in, drifting into each other’s paths, and Ross shivered at every contact of their naked skin. He was already starting to respond again, his body going into overdrive as it realised there were no restrictions here. He followed Jim into the bedroom and came up behind him, putting his arms around him and running his hands over his chest and stomach, feeling the contrast between soft skin and hair. Jim laughed softly and let his head fell back and Ross turned his head enough to kiss him, their tongues tangling in a lazy dance.

‘I want you.’ he breathed.

‘Yeah?’ There was just a hint of tease in Jim’s voice. ‘What do you want, Doc?’ He was pushing back into him and Ross took the invitation, his rapidly hardening cock sliding up and over Jim’s backside.

‘That.’ He nipped him on the shoulder. ‘I want to fuck you.’ The words still gave him the most wonderfully illicit thrill. He let his hands slide down, one resting on Jim’s hip and the other going around his cock as he kissed along the line of Jim’s shoulder and then up the side of his neck.

‘So do it.’ Jim replied, his own hand coming to cover Ross’ as he stroked him back to hardness. ‘You know you can fuck my ass whenever you want to.’ His voice was heated and Ross growled into his skin and then shoved him away so Jim fell face down on the bed. Ross was on him before he could move, his hand going between Jim’s legs and reaching in to trace his entrance. He had no qualms about doing this now and stuck his middle finger in his mouth to wet it before working the tip of it in. Jim was huffing into the bedcovers, legs spread and braced on his elbows. When Ross’ finger breached him he moaned again, and moved one knee up to give him more access. Ross was leaning over him, licking at his neck and shoulders as he pushed his finger in all the way. Jim’s body tightened around it and he pushed back into the hand that had him pinned. Ross started out slow and they were just getting into the swing of things when they heard a voice calling outside the bungalow.

‘Coo-ee!’ Janet’s unmistakable accent cut through the quiet and it was so unexpected that Ross immediately pulled his hand away and Jim hissed at the sudden movement. They both rolled over, frantically grabbing for anything to hide the fact that they were not only on the double bed, but naked and engaging in what was definitely classed as sexual activity. Unfortunately for Ross he was too slow and by the time Janet was actually in sight through the bedroom door, he was still on the bed and had to resort to hiding behind Jim, who’d thankfully managed to grab his discarded jeans from earlier and was holding them in front of himself. Still, they couldn’t have been in a more compromising position unless Janet had actually caught them fucking, and Ross knew that they both looked as guilty as hell. He put both hands on Jim’s shoulders.

‘Goddamnit.’ he hissed. ‘Not again.’ Janet had now turned her head and seen them and Ross braced for the inevitable scream of indignation or accusations of perversion. To his surprise though, all he and Jim got was laughter.

‘Oh God.’ Janet said, averting her eyes. ‘I am so sorry. I was in the garden and thought I’d pop down and tell you that dinner’s going to be a bit late. I had to catch Mabel. I didn’t know I’d be interrupting anything.’ This was said with a definite twinkle. ‘I’ll know for future to yell if I’m coming in.’

Ross felt like he could have been knocked over with a feather. It took him a few moments to realise that this was not going the way he had been expecting it to. He could also tell that Jim was feeling the same way.

‘I’m sorry?’ Jim sounded shocked. ‘Did that just happen? You’re not going to tell us to leave?’ Janet snorted.

‘Why would I do a silly thing like that?’ she asked. ‘Tell you boys what, come up anyway and we can have a tipple before dinner.’ She smiled at them both. ‘I think considering the current situation that it might be a good idea to meet Henry.’ With that mysterious announcement she turned and walked out leaving them both bemused as to what had just happened.

‘Okay.’ Jim said slowly. ‘That did not go down how I thought it would.’

‘No.’ Ross watched as he walked into the living area and peered out the door. ‘It certainly didn’t.

There was nothing else for it but to get dressed and head up the pathway to the house. When they got there, the sun was starting to dip behind it and the lights from the long sunroom at the front were on. The sound of The Flamingoes was coming through the kitchen door and they found Janet in the kitchen pottering around and cooking something that smelt exotic and delicious.

‘Hello there.’ she said cheerfully. ‘Here.’ She grabbed three beers from the fridge and handed them over. Henry needs a refill and dinner will be done in about twenty minutes. Go make yourselves at home.’

They took the beers, giving each other looks as they went through, not knowing what to expect. The sun room was filled with low couches in carved wood and cabinets and bookshelves. There was a dining table set for four in front of the open windows and next to it was a wheelchair which turned out to be occupied.

The person looked over and smiled at them. She was about the same age as Janet, her hair dark and long and tied back in a braid that was swept over her shoulder. There was a large calico cat sitting on her lap that jumped off and headed for the couch behind her as they approached.

‘Hello.’ she said, her accent a match for Janet’s. ‘You must be Jim and Ross. I’m Henry.’ Jim turned to Ross, one eyebrow raised.

‘Well, that explains a lot.’ he said.

**********

Dinner was as delicious as it smelled. Janet had made lawar, a regional speciality of shredded vegetables and pork, spiced and served with ribs that had been marinated and then grilled. There was plenty of it and it was accompanied by a great many beers. This aided the conversation no end.

Jim sat and listened to Ross talking to Janet and Henry. They had finished their dinner and were now all sitting having their latest round of beers and smoking while they related stories about their service. They had discovered that Janet and Henry had both been military nurses, serving in the Second World War where they had met, and then later in Korea.

‘It was hard.’ Janet said. She had her hand over Henry’s. ‘Although it was probably made a little bit easier by us just pretending we were old maids who never found the right man.’ She laughed. ‘We had a little house in Sydney and then Henry had her accident and suddenly things got a tighter financially so we decided to come out here.’

‘Our pensions mean we have a good life and Jan’s more than capable of looking after me.’ Henry added. ‘And no-one cares what we get up to.’

‘Not that we get up to much anymore.’ Janet said and they both burst into giggles. Ross looked over at Jim, grinning. It was clear that he was both amazed and delighted by what had transpired.

‘It’s just not what we’re used to.’ he said. ‘You scared the hell out of us this afternoon.’

‘I realised that when I saw your faces.’ Janet said. ‘Maybe out a sock on the door or something.’ She chuckled. ‘That was the accepted sign when we were in the service.’

‘It still is.’ Jim said, taking a sip of his beer. He was finding the whole evening rather surreal, albeit in a very good way.

‘So how long have you boys been together?’ Henry asked, drawing on her cigarette and exhaling lazily.

‘Only a little while.’ Jim replied. ‘Ross got to Chu Lai in November.’

‘I bet you have to be very sneaky.’ Janet said. ‘Sadly the US Army is not the most tolerant organisation when it comes to this particular subject.’

‘No.’ Ross’ face darkened. ‘If they found out about us, we’d be sent home on an 89, probably be dishonourably discharged and maybe even end up in the brig.’

‘Kind of ironic when you consider what we’ve both done to serve our country.’ Jim wasn’t normally this bitter, but he felt comfortable enough here to let his real feelings show. ‘Like getting beat up all the way through high school wasn’t enough.’ He snorted. ‘Half the pricks that did that didn’t even have the guts to sign up.’ He didn’t miss the startled look Ross gave him. He never usually told people about what he’d endured as a teenager, that it was one of the reasons he’d spent so much time out on the ocean - specifically to avoid all the assholes he met on land. ‘Seems I’m good enough to die for my country but not good enough to live in it like I want to.’ He sighed and took another cigarette from his pack and lit it.

‘That’s one of the reasons you can’t ever give up.’ Henry said and her dark eyes were serious. ‘Love isn’t something that anyone should be denied and one day the world is going to figure it out. But for right now, you have to hold onto each other and believe that as long as you have each other, everything is going to work out all right.’

‘I guess so.’ he replied with a wry smile. ‘I look at you two and it kinda gives me hope.’ He glance across at Ross and got a smile in return.

‘I am glad for that.’ Janet said. She reached over and took Henry’s hand. ‘I never would have made it this far without her.

They helped Janet clean up and sat and talked some more about pretty much everything. Janet got out the photo albums of her and Henry and showed them their life together, from their first meeting as slender girls in starched white uniforms to being in Korea in their familiar military greens. It was illuminating for Jim, listening to how much they had done and gone through together and he was starting to have a little faith that maybe once all the madness in Vietnam was done that he and Ross might have a chance at the happiness they clearly had with each other.

Ross was transformed in the presence of two people who took him at face value and he chatted at length about his family and home. Jim listened and added his own anecdotes where necessary. It was so good to be able to not have to overthink everything he said so he didn’t give himself or Ross away and by the time they finally got up to go back to the bungalow he was feeling like he didn’t have a care in the world. It had helped that Henry had gone to the drinks cabinet and brought out the whisky and that he and Ross were both on the drunker side of things.

They said goodbye at the kitchen door and Henry and Janet waved goodbye as they made their now rather unsteady way to the path and walked down into the darkness with a warning to watch for Mabel, the errant goat. Thankfully the moon was bright enough to illuminate their path and they managed not to fall over as they walked down towards the bungalow. The night air was now thick with the smell of flowers. Jim wandered into Ross’ path, taking his hand on the way back over to his side. Ross slid his fingers through his and held on and they bumped shoulders as they navigated the pathway. Jim was glad he’d worn his jeans, the night air being rather chillier than he’d anticipated. They got to the building and went inside. Jim made his way into the bedroom, feeling for the lantern and matches on the nightstand and lighting it. He adjusted the flame and replaced the glass and the bedroom filled with a warm glow.

‘That was nice.’ Ross said, coming in after closing and locking the door. They had decided it was a sensible precaution, for privacy rather than safety.

‘Yeah, it was.’ Jim replied. He stretched and then reached back to pull his shirt over his head, chucking it onto the chair in the corner. ‘They’re both real nice ladies.’ He took off his necklace and coiled it in his hands and then went to place it on the nightstand, not bothering with his tags. He was so used to wearing them now he felt a little bit naked without them. He undid the button of his jeans and then realised that Ross had gone quiet. He was about to turn and see what the problem was when he was caught in Ross’ arms. He’d also taken his shirt off and his bare skin slid against Jim’s in a way that made Jim’s blood catch fire. He was about to reach back for him, when Ross took both his hands and held them still.

‘We never got round to what we were going to earlier.’ he said, warm breath washing over Jim’s ear and making him shiver.

‘No, we didn’t.’ he replied, his heart starting to pound as he realised where this was headed. Ross started kissing the back of his neck and Jim let his head fall forward, luxuriating in the soft touch of Ross’ mouth, punctuated by the barest flick of his tongue. Ross made a low growling sound and moved their hands so Jim had his own palms splayed over his chest.

‘You never even answered my question.’ he breathed and his breath chilled the spots on Jim’s neck that were wet with his saliva.

‘What question was it?’ he replied, playing it out. His whole body was now sensitised, his cock getting hard as he anticipated what they would soon be doing. He gasped as Ross licked up the line of his ear, slow and wet and hot.

‘Can I fuck you?’ he whispered and Jim arched back into him.

‘Yes.’ he breathed back. ‘All goddamn night.’ He moaned as Ross moved their hands, one sliding over his right nipple and the other down his chest to his abdomen and into the v made by his open jeans. He expected Ross to pull them back up but he didn’t. Instead he kept going so their linked fingers dipped below the waistband of his shorts, grazing his cock. Only then did Ross move them back up, only to go deeper on the next run. Their hands went down the front of his shorts and Jim’s breathing caught as their fingers stroked over his cock. It felt so good, the touches just enough to tease.

‘You’re so fucking hard.’ Ross breathed and that was when Jim realised that he was actually drunker than he’d realised. Ross never got this mouthy. He pushed the hands lower and now Jim whined at the friction between the fabric restraining his cock and their fingers. They hit the head and he felt Ross dragging one fingertip over the sensitive slit, the natural slick there making it feel impossibly good. He bit his lip to stifle himself and Ross set up a steady rhythm, their fingers rubbing over the head until they were wet. It felt so indecent, the two of him making him hard like that, and Jim turned his head to Ross and then Ross leaned in, kissing him feverishly and pushing Jim’s mouth open with his tongue.

‘Don’t stop.’ he murmured when they parted. ‘I want to see you doing it.’ He pulled his hand away and tugged Jim’s jeans and shorts down so he could look over his shoulder and watch Jim’s hand on himself. Then he let him go and Jim heard him walk over to the chair. There was the sound of a zip and then Ross was back, chucking a tube onto the bed. He came back into position, but this time there was one hand on his cock and the others laying fingers across the lower half of his face. Jim took the cue and licked at them once, letting Ross slide them into his open mouth and sucking on them. Ross increased the pace of his hand, his strokes coming harder and faster and Jim felt like he was flying. Then the fingers in his mouth were gone and he was shoved back onto the bed into pretty much the same position as before. He lay still as Ross tugged off his shoes and socks and clothes, leaving him naked on the bed. Jim lay there, not moving as he heard Ross taking his own clothes off, too languid to move. The bed dipped as Ross got on next to him and then the spit slick fingers were on him, probing and running over his entrance in a gentle circle that had him keening into the bed.

He desperately wanted to feel Ross’ mouth on him, but knew that it was something they’d never even discussed let alone attempted so it was best left for another time. Thankfully, Ross realised how desperate he was and picked up the tube. He opened it and broke the seal and then Jim felt it, cold and slick on his skin. He turned his head to watch Ross, his dark eyes black and glittering with intent as he smeared the lubrication onto him and then started to work one finger inside. He was very good at this, his previous experience standing him in good stead and Jim inhaled sharply as his finger slid all the way in and then curled on the way out so it ran over his prostate. He didn’t restrain himself, too drunk and too aroused to care, and his voice went up as Ross started rubbing over it again and again in a sustained rhythm that made him cry out into the bed. He reached for the discarded tube and tapped Ross on the chest with it.

‘Turn around.’ he said and Ross gave him a quizzical look. He did it, managing to get himself turned around so his feet were buried in the pillows and Jim opened the tube and squeezed some out onto his hand before moving it out the way. He reached for Ross’ cock, taking it in his hand and stroking lightly.

‘Fuck.’ It came out short and then Ross’ finger hit a little harder and Jim saw stars.

‘Another one.’ he panted and Ross obliged, his forefinger sliding in alongside and stretching Jim out in the most wonderful way. He hiked one knee up and moved in closer to Ross, kissing along the soft skin of his knee until he was resting his head on Ross’ inner thigh. He could smell the arousal coming off of him and ran his thumb slowly over the head of Ross’ cock, taking his time and smiling as Ross started to moan with him.

‘That’s good.’ He was looking at Jim steadily.

‘It can get better.’ Jim breathed and kissed the inside of his thigh, tasting the sweat already beading on Ross skin. He waited until just the right moment and then bit down. Ross cried out, his fingers stuttering and Jim did it again, hard enough that he knew he’d leave a mark. He was proven right when he lifted his head, seeing the outline of tooth rings.

‘There.’ he said. ‘Now that means you belong to me.’ He pushed back into Ross’ hand. ‘Come on, baby. Fuck me with your fingers.’ He let out a drawn out moan as Ross sped up, his body now accommodating them easily and then it was there, a lightning strike of pleasure that raced through him and made him bow back off the bed as he came. It was enough to knock him out, but not enough to stop him from moving up onto his knees after Ross had pulled his fingers out. Ross was doing the same, but Jim shoved him onto his back and saw Ross’ eyes go wide.

‘What are you doing?’ he asked and Jim smiled as he straddled him.

‘I’m going to ride your cock.’ he replied. ‘So fucking hard that it’s going to blow your mind.’

‘Oh God…’ Ross blurted out and Jim laughed as he took hold of him and held his cock still as he lowered himself. He hadn’t done this since he’d come to Vietnam and the shock of pleasure as Ross breached him reminded him why he’d loved to do it so much. He slid down on Ross’ cock until they were flush against each other, bracing himself against Ross’ chest and running his fingers through the thick hair to find Ross’ nipples and thumb over them. Underneath him, Ross was panting, his chest heaving with effort. He was staring up at Jim, his dark eyes now wide and filled with hopeless lust.

‘Watch me.’ Jim instructed and reached for Ross’ hands, moving them to his hips. ‘I want you all the way in.’ He shifted his hips, feeling the way Ross’ cock moved inside him and noting how Ross’ shuddered. ‘Let me do the work.’ He locked eyes with him and started to move, undulating slowly as he found the right position, heat shooting up his spine when he found the angle he wanted.

‘Fuck…I can’t…’ Ross was breathless, his skin now gleaming with sweat. Jim dragged his fingers over his chest and then went back to Ross’ nipples, working them between his fingertips and making Ross growl at him again. He moved a little quicker, feeling the heat building inside him as he rode harder. Ross was so wonderfully thick inside him, the head of his cock nailing him in just the right place every time he moved and Jim quickened his pace. The bed was now shaking, hitting the wall with a thudding noise that was quickly being drowned out by their combined cries.

Ross was gone, incoherent and bucking up into him, and Jim responded. He was now into his rhythm and he dug his nails into Ross’ sides, leaving marks that would still be there the next day. He threw his head back and closed his eyes, abandoning himself to the pleasure that filled him. He controlled it, bringing them both up and down several times until Ross finally went rigid, his whole body spasming as he came inside him, the heat of his semen filling Jim up. He took himself in hand, jacking off until he followed, the climax knocking everything out of his head as he came across Ross’ stomach and chest, white over black. Ross moaned though it, the internal contractions of Jim’s body heightening his own orgasm. His fingers were gripping Jim tight enough to bruise and Jim rode through his aftershocks until he was completely exhausted and drifting along on a sea of feeling. He slowed and then stopped, barely able to even stay upright. Underneath him Ross was breathing like he’d just run a field drill.

‘Goddamn.’ he said and his voice was hoarse. ‘That was incredible.’

‘Just shows what we can do when we have some privacy.’ Jim laughed as he gingerly dismounted, Ross’ spent cock slipping out of him and trailing wetness down his thigh. He collapsed on the bed, turning onto his back so his head was pillowed on Ross’ chest. They lay there recovering for a few moments, then Jim rolled to grab their cigarettes and the lighter from the nightstand. He passed one up, then stuck one in his own mouth. He reached up, flicking the zippo open and lighting Ross’ cigarette before he lit his own and chucking it back on the nightstand.

There was silence as they smoked, Ross’ arm coming to lay itself across Jim’s chest. He was happy, the feeling of Ross under him making him secure and grounded. He inhaled and then exhaled, watching the smoke coil towards the ceiling.

‘I love you.’ he said and knew that Ross was smiling.

‘I love you too, babe.’ he replied. Jim smiled at the endearment and shifted to get more comfortable.

‘You think we could do it?’ he asked and felt Ross take a drag on his cigarette.

‘I’d like to think we could.’ he replied. ‘I’d like to have what they have with you. I’d like for us to be together forever.’ Jim smiled and closed his eyes.

‘Maybe we could.’ he replied. ‘Just maybe.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from I Only Have Eyes (For You) by The Flamingoes.


	13. I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bali, Bali, Bali....
> 
> This chapter is nothing but smut btw.

The fourth day bought rain.

Up until then it had been nothing but tropical paradise sunshine and Ross had quickly gone almost as brown as Jim much to his delight. He was also sore in places he’d never expected to be sore and it had nothing to do with their nocturnal activities. Jim had decided to try and teach him to surf the day before and it had resulted in frequently getting dumped head over heels into the surf, coming up coughing and spluttering while Jim cackled at him from the safety of his board. They had borrowed another one from Janet and Ross had harboured a hope that it really was as easy as Jim made it look.

It wasn’t.

What it had been was fun. Ross had had few male friends growing up that he’d felt completely comfortable with, his feelings and attractions always making him draw back before he did something stupid. It had surprised him just how much he was enjoying simply spending time with Jim, laughing and roughhousing in the waves until they had been too tired to do anything else but drag themselves back to the bungalow and collapse on the bed, completely missing dinner and being woken by Janet coming down with a couple of tiffin tins containing food for them. She’d sat and chatted with them while they ate, laughing as Jim had recounted Ross’ efforts and commiserated with him that he hadn’t even been able to stand up properly on his first day.

After she’d left they had gone to bed, and all the will in the world hadn’t been enough to actually get up to anything that could be considered salacious. Instead Ross had been able to go to sleep with his arms wrapped around Jim, listening to his breathing even out and slow as he fell asleep. The intimacy of that moment had been more powerful than anything he’d ever experienced and he’d lain there for ages, his hand pressed against Jim’s chest so he could feel his heart beating.

Now he was awake and listening to the downpour, so similar to those in Vietnam. Ross knew from experience that it wouldn’t let up for ages and wondered if he’d be able to convince Jim that staying in bed was the best possible course of action. It was all he wanted. Being on the beach and in the water was fun and he was now more relaxed than he’d ever felt, all his decompression from Chu Lai coming down on him hard and fast so he was now almost delirious. Jim was much slower to unwind, Ross now realising how tightly wound he actually was. But it was happening, his sea-eyes finally starting to lose the perpetual alertness he had, even when he was drunk or high. His smiles were frequent now and soft around the edges. The strangest thing was that he had even started speaking differently as he turned back into the boy he’d been before he’d gone in-country. Ross dearly wished he’d been able to meet Jim before he’d gone to war. He wanted to know the dreamy sweet boy, the one who surfed and read and knew about poetry, the one who was his California Dreamin’.

‘Hey.’ Jim’s voice was sleep rough. ‘Quit thinking so hard over there. I can hear the goddamn wheels turnin’.’

Ross smiled and moved up behind him. The first night had been a little awkward as they figured out how to sleep around each other, then the next one had seen them assume positions that now felt completely natural to Ross. Jim was a sprawler, legs and arms taking up far more room than he should have. Ross had discovered the best way to be comfortable was simply to wind himself in around him, which also gave him the benefit of being able to drape himself all over Jim, every inch of skin that could be in contact warm against his own. Now he had his back to Ross and he was able to get in really close and nuzzle the back of Jim's neck, breathing in his smell. Jim sighed softly and backed into him and Ross was able to slide one arm around him, ghosting over his ribs and coming to rest on his hip.

‘It’s raining.’ he murmured into Jim’s skin and heard the huff on the other side.

‘Yeah.’ There was that glorious little bite of sarcasm through the sleepiness. ‘I noticed.’

‘You’re not going to surf in this, are you?’ Ross asked, nosing at him. He couldn’t get enough of the feel of Jim’s skin under his lips. He kissed his neck and the sigh came again, happy and soft.

‘Depends on what your other plans are.’ Jim replied and Ross squeezed his hip lightly.

‘I was thinking we just stay here.’ he said. ‘Where I can have you all to myself.’ He planted a few more kisses in the hope that it would make his argument more persuasive.

‘Fine.’ Jim sounded amused. ‘The waves will probably be mush anyway.’ He stretched like a cat and then pulled away. ‘Gotta go take care of business first though.’ Ross lay back on the bed, watching as he rolled into a sitting position, the curve of his back so tempting that he reached over and stroked down the length of Jim’s spine. Jim glanced back over his shoulder at him, giving Ross a glimpse of dimples, then got up. They hadn’t bothered with clothes at night, and he was perfectly unselfconscious in his nakedness as he walked to the bedroom door. Ross smiled, watching him go. Jim had a light step and an almost feline grace to his movements. He disappeared through to the other bedroom and then outside and Ross heard him swear as he walked into the rain.

He chuckled and settled back down into the sheets, cushioning his head on one arm and looked over at the window. The slats of the shutters were slightly open, just enough to admit the cool damp air. It drifted over his bare skin and Ross inhaled deeply, closing his eyes and throwing his other arm across the bed into the still warm space Jim had left behind. He heard the door to the outside close but didn’t open his eyes until he heard the pad of Jim’s bare feet come into the room. Then he opened them and smiled as he took in the sight of Jim searching around for a towel. His hair was damp and he towelled himself off.

‘You could piss out the window.’ Ross said and snickered at his own humour. Jim gave him a look and came back over to the bed, getting in and pulling the sheet back over him.

‘I’m cold now.’ he said. ‘Come here and warm me up.’ Ross rolled over to him, hissing as Jim out his now cold feet on his.

‘Bastard.’ he muttered and then inhaled sharply when the feet were joined by a pair of equally cold hands on the side of his neck and chest. ‘Fuck, you’re cold.’

‘Rain does that.’ Jim was smiling at him, and he pulled Ross down. Ross went, their mouths meeting in a barely there kiss.

‘Asshole.’ he murmured, affection colouring his voice and Jim raised his eyebrows at him.

‘Asshole?’ he asked, and the playfulness in his voice put Ross on immediate alert. He started to wriggle away, but Jim was on to him and he was merciless. The attack that followed was designed to exploit every weakness that Ross had, and he squirmed and giggled unashamedly as Jim tickled him until he was almost insensible.

‘You absolute asshole.’ he managed to blurt out between giggles. ‘Fucking get off me.’

‘Sorry?’ Jim was now laughing just as hard. ‘Did you just tell me to get you off?’ He was now on his knees, and he got Ross’ wrists in both hands and slammed him back down into the bed. The strength in it went straight to Ross’ cock, and before he knew it his giggles had changed to pants as he fought to control himself and not lie there and beg Jim to fuck him. Over him Jim’s eyes were sparkling and then he looked down between them to where Ross’s body was very noticeably responding. Then he looked back up at him, and now the sparkle had a very definite heat in it.

‘Don’t let it go to your head.’ Ross tried another bout of determined wriggling but Jim was strong and he pinned him down.

‘No?’ He leaned in, his breath ghosting over Ross’ mouth. ‘Tell me you don’t want me then. Tell me that you don’t want to fuck me.’ Every word was bitten off, his eyes roaming over Ross’ body with a look on his face that made his intentions very clear.

‘God…’ Ross couldn’t help the way his body arched up into Jim’s grip. He was lost, conditioned now to wanting Jim all the time. He took the next kiss, rough and biting as it was and returned it, hands splayed over Jim’s back and spreading his legs to accommodate him. This was something he was starting to discover about himself as his preferences began to make themselves known. The past three days had been about exploring what he enjoyed as much as it had been about both of them seeking relief from the pent up frustration they had endured the past six months. But something else was starting to creep in, a need to experiment, and one of the things that was coming out of this was that as much as Ross love being inside Jim, sinking deep into him and making him crazy, he was also starting to appreciate that he was more than a little fascinated by what it might feel like to be the one being penetrated, the one being filled until he was crying with it.

Every time Jim had been even the slightest bit more dominant in their interactions, Ross had found his breathing picking up and his heart hammering away madly. Now, with Jim’s weight on top of him and that look in his eyes that told Ross he wanted nothing more than to devour him, Ross was starting to feel that same rush of excitement. It felt so utterly arousing and he couldn’t help the way he moaned when Jim licked at his mouth, opening his and responding. The kiss descended into messy anarchy, both of them caring little for the way they were acting. When Jim pulled away, Ross’ face was wet and he was panting. Jim kissed down his jaw, teeth scraping lightly over stubble. He got to Ross’ neck and licked over the sensitive spot behind Ross’ ear and then bit down gently. Ross had discovered he quite liked being bitten, the bruises on the inside of his thighs testament to that. He let his head fall back, eyes closed as he savoured every touch of Jim’s mouth on him. Jim was braced on his hands over him, and he kept trailing kisses over Ross’ shoulder and collar bone.

‘So.’ There was a hint of mischief in his voice. ‘Now that I have you where I want you, what should I do with you?’ Ross knew the second Jim clocked the look on his face. His blue-green eyes went wide. He sat back on his heels, settling his weight properly, and the friction against Ross’ cock made him want to scream. Instead he looked away, embarrassed at being caught out.

‘We don’t have to…’ he started and then felt Jim’s hand on his face, gently turning him back to look Jim in the eye.

‘Anything.’ he said, and Ross shivered. ‘You can ask for anything, baby.’ Ross looked back at him, finding nothing but honesty and love in his eyes.

‘Can we?’ he asked. ‘I just want to see what it’s like. What it feels like for you.’

‘We can do anything you want.’ Jim was serious now. ‘And if you’re not sure about something you just tell me, okay?’ Ross nodded and pushed himself up on his elbows.

‘If you’re cool with that?’ he asked.

‘I am if it’s what you want me to do.’ Jim replied. ‘I like it both ways so it’s cool with me.’ He had a little crease between his gold brows and Ross knew it was concern for him that had out it there and his heart swelled.

‘I do.’ he replied. ‘I want it to be you.’ He didn’t need to add the _for you to be the first_. Jim already knew he’d never done this before and that it was taking a lot for Ross to trust him. ‘So will you?’ His voice was now shaking with trepidation. ‘Will you do it?’

‘I will.’ Jim said. ‘But not now.’ He smiled. ‘I have something else in mind. We’re gonna build you up to it.’ His smile had gone crooked and Ross knew he was in trouble. ‘I need you flat out before we can even think about goin’ there. That way it’ll be real good.’ He ran both hands down Ross’ chest. ‘Have you screaming the goddamn roof off.’

‘That sounds very promising.’ Ross was gripping the sheet underneath him. He could feel how his whole body was now hypersensitive, just waiting for what Jim was going to do to him. ‘What are you going to do to me?’

‘Close your eyes.’ Jim said and Ross did without hesitation. ‘Just keep them closed.’ Ross breathed in deeply as he felt Jim move, and then inhaled sharply as Jim kissed him. It was lingering and he smiled when Jim pulled back, turning his head to the side as Jim went back to kissing his neck, down and down to his collar bones again, shivering as Jim bit down gently on the line of bone underneath the thin skin. His mouth was the only point of contact between them, Jim keeping his weight entirely off Ross. He kept kissing, stopping to lick at the hollow of his throat before moving down the line of his sternum. Ross was buzzing with anticipation. This was different, every movement seemingly calculated to torment him. The past three days had been about gratification, handjobs under the makeshift shower, fucking several time during the night and quick messy blowjobs while sitting at the edge of the bed or on the low couch in the living room.

Jim’s mouth lifted from his skin and then he was back at Ross’ face, his breath ghosting over his new scar. The stitches had come out ten days after it happened, and the line from his eyebrow to just shy of the corner of his mouth was still very sensitive. He frowned but didn’t open his eyes and then gasped as Jim’s lips brushed it, the touch so soft that he only just felt it. He’d felt horribly self-conscious about it since it happened, not saying anything to Jim about it but this simple touch made him smile.

‘Told you.’ Jim’s voice was low and adoring. ‘Pirate.’ He brushed kisses down the line of the scar back to Ross’ mouth and Ross kissed him back. Then he was gone again and second later Ross hissed out loud as Jim’s tongue flicked over his left nipple.

‘Jesus…’ He hadn’t quite been expecting that, but then Jim did it again and Ross felt like he wanted to go through the ceiling. He’d discovered that this was something he really really loved and Jim teased him mercilessly with tiny flicks of tongue and slow flat licks that made Ross moan. He switched it up, going from one to the other but again maintaining that as the single point of contact until Ross was struggling to keep still. He moved as if to sit up and got a shove in the chest, Jim’s hand pinning him.

‘No.’ he said. ‘Not yet.’ He smiled against Ross skin as he came back down, chin resting on the crest of one hipbone. ‘I’m not done.’ He licked at the line of hair that ran from where it thickened around Ross’ cock and up to his navel, and then dotted his stomach with more kisses. Ross gave in completely and grabbed for the pillow under his head. He whined as Jim licked along his hipbone and then bit down, just like he’d done before with his collarbone, the soft drag of teeth leaving little heated contrails of sensation. He desperately wanted Jim to touch him or to take him in his mouth, but Jim continued to steer clear. He was now placidly licking along the crease between leg and body and it tickled but was also so maddening that Ross could do nothing but take it. Then Jim moved down a little lower and Ross grew hopeful only for those hopes to be dashed as Jim paid great attention to kissing the insides of his thighs.

‘Fuck.’ He had tried to keep it in, but he couldn’t anymore. ‘Are you trying to kill me?’ That made Jim burst out laughing.

‘Christ.’ He sat up and Ross opened his eyes in time to get the benefit of a blinding smile. ‘You ain’t got no goddamn patience, Doc.’ He moved so he was now sitting next to Ross. ‘I’m trying to break you in slowly here.’

‘Fuck slowly.’ Ross could hardly breathe. ‘Just do something.’

‘I don’t know if you’re ready.’ Jim laughed and Ross huffed and sat up as well. He grabbed Jim at the back of the neck and hauled into a very messy kiss, delighting in the soft noise of surprise that got him.

‘Just fuck me, already.’ he breathed and Jim’s smile was even brighter now.

‘No.’ he replied. ‘But maybe you’re more ready for this than I thought you were.’

‘Ready for what?’ Ross asked and then found himself being caught and manhandled onto his front. He laughed and struggled just enough that Jim had to pin him down again, his breathing picking up. This was what he wanted and he lay still, waiting for Jim’s next move. It came in the form of a long slow lick up his spine, bringing pleasure and making Ross moan into the bed. Jim followed up with another trail of soft kisses in the opposite direction and Ross waited for him to stop when he got to his lower back. But Jim didn’t stop, his tongue back in play as he licked over his backside. It was almost disturbingly arousing and Ross buried his face in the pillow to quiet his sounds. Jim stroked one hand over him, fingers skirting dangerously close to where Ross wanted to feel him, coming to rest at the small of his back.

‘You trust me?’ he asked and Ross lifted his head long enough to look over his shoulder as best he could.

‘I trust you.’ he replied.

‘It’s gonna feel a bit weird at first.’ Jim said. ‘But it’s gonna get real good real fast.’ His breath scorched Ross’ skin. ‘But if you don’t like it, then tell me to stop.’

‘Just what…’ Ross got no further because he found himself being held open and then there was the touch of Jim’s tongue in a place that it had no business being if everything the medical profession had taught him was correct. For a few moments Ross was simply so astounded by what Jim was doing that he couldn’t even think, let alone speak. Then the primal part of his brain kicked in and he moaned very loudly as he experienced a pleasure that he’d never realised could be gotten from having someone’s tongue pretty much in one’s ass. It was an odd feeling, but as Jim lapped at him Ross could do nothing but lie there and whine helplessly at how incredibly good it felt. Everything in his now fogged up brain screamed at him to get Jim to go deeper, to do more and harder. He pushed back and Jim threw one arm across his back to hold him still but he didn’t let up. In fact he started licking with intent, and then he pushed his tongue in just a little and Ross was pretty damn sure he could come just from this. He must have been making a lot of noise because Jim stopped and started laughing again.

‘God, you make the best fucking sounds.’ he said. ‘I swear my ego is like three times the size since we started fucking.’

‘I can’t help it.’ Ross managed to get up onto his elbows. ‘What the fuck are you doing to me?’

‘You like it?’ Jim asked and Ross nodded frantically.

‘Yeah.’ he replied. ‘Now shut the fuck up and keep doing it.’

‘Roger that.’ Jim replied and dropped his head back down.

‘Jesus fuck…’ Ross moved so his legs were further apart and Jim responded by speeding up the pace of his licks. There was something new now as well and Ross could feel Jim’s fingers stroking over him between flicks of his tongue. He knew what was coming and was overcome with curiosity. Jim took his time, and then there was the sound of fingers in his mouth and Ross tensed up a little as he felt Jim’s finger start to push in very slowly.

‘Relax, baby.’ Jim said, his voice low and soothing. ‘I ain’t gonna hurt you but it will be worse if you tense up like that.’

Ross took a deep breath. It wasn’t like he’d never had this done to him before but that had been in a doctor’s room and it had been clinical and completely devoid of any sexual arousal. This was completely different. The feeling of being penetrated was so foreign to him, something that he’d never attempted himself and which the two of them had never done. Jim’s finger suddenly seemed to bypass the tightness around it and went all the way in and Ross felt like the air had been knocked out of him. Jim stopped moving altogether and the burn from being stretched in such an unfamiliar way soon faded. Then Jim’s breath was back on his skin and he started licking around his finger and it was so filthy that Ross felt like he was blushing from head to toe, even while it made heat bubble in his chest and his cock ache from how hard it was.

The first soft touch to his prostate was enough to make him catch his breath and gasp aloud. He’d seen the effect that it had on Jim, had felt how his body clutched at his fingers and how his orgasms seem to make him lose all sense of himself when they did this, but the sensation that it brought was strange and yet not unpleasantly so. It felt like he was being warmed up from the inside out and the longer Jim stroked over it, the better he started to feel. Then Jim pulled his finger out, just as slowly and got up. That made Ross want to yell at him. Instead he raised himself on his elbows and gave him a look that said he’d better have a damn good explanation for stopping.

Jim was digging in the hessian bag on the floor next to the chair and then Ross realised what he was doing. They’d run out of the surgical lubricant that he’d smuggled out in his bag. He’d only bought two tubes with him and they’d gone through them pretty quickly in the past three days. That meant they’d had to come up with a substitute and had been at a loss until they had gone with Janet to the village the day before and done some shopping. The glass jars with the innocuous white substance inside had caught Ross’ attention and when he’d asked Jan about it she’d explained that it was coconut oil. That had been one of the items on Demelza’s list because she used it to prevent her naturally curly hair from frizzing. When he’d shown it to Jim, it had taken only a second for them to look at each other and Ross had known that Jim knew exactly what he was thinking. Jim came back to the bed and Ross took the opportunity to turn onto his back and just look at him. Jim was beautiful naked, his body now sweat streaked and his cock hard and leaking at the tip. Ross let his eyes linger there and Jim rewarded him by stroking over himself slowly.

‘You want this?’ he asked and Ross nodded, his mouth going dry as he continued to stare at the hypnotic movements of Jim’s hand. He never ever thought he’d be this obsessed, but hell if he wasn’t.

‘I want it.’ he replied and Jim smirked at him. Ross knew that wasn’t a good sign. Jim seemed to find great pleasure in pushing him.

‘Say it.’ he said and Ross could feel his face colouring.

‘No.’ he replied and Jim laughed.

‘If you don’t say it, we don’t do it.’ he replied and Ross huffed. The truth was saying the words to vocalise what they were doing was an incredible turn on, but not all of them came easily to him. So he fell back on being obstreperous instead.

‘Fuck you.’ he retorted. ‘Then you don’t get this either.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim’s eyes narrowed dangerously. He chucked the jar of coconut oil on the bed and then got on, kneeling over Ross’ legs. His hand sped up and Ross was captivated. ‘Maybe I don’t need it. Maybe I’ll just come all over you.’

‘Fuck…’ Ross could feel his heart racing even faster. He watched how Jim’s cock leaked all over his hand and wanted nothing more than for Jim to crawl right up over him and stick it in his mouth. Jim sat back on his heels and slowed his hand, lifting his fingers to let a string of the clear fluid draw out between them and the head of his cock. It was still dim in the room but there was enough sunshine for it to catch the light and Ross reached for his own cock, now unable to resist the urge to get off.

Jim smiled and reached for the jar, cracking it open and coating his fingers until they were shiny. The oil was vicious and thick and the scent of coconut filled the air. He capped it again and then leaned forward on his clean hand as he reached back between Ross’ legs. Ross spread them almost involuntarily. He wanted it now, there was no denying that, but Jim went as slowly as he had the first time, tracing and circling until Ross wanted to scream in frustration. Then when Jim’s finger finally slid in again, he arched up into it.

‘That’s it.’ Jim breathed. ‘Give it up for me, baby.’ He smiled and leaned down far enough to lick along Ross’ hipbone. He did it again, his blue-green eyes full of heat as he looked up at Ross. ‘Say it baby.’ He worked his hand slowly, drawing out the touch over Ross’ prostate and Ross gave in, knowing he was fighting a losing battle with himself.

‘I want it.’ he breathed back. ‘I want your cock.’

‘Where?’ Jim bit down softly and Ross whined. Between the finger inside him and his own hand, he was pretty much spiralling up to heaven with no stops in between. The pleasant heat from before wad gone, replaced by a raging inferno inside him that was begging for more.

‘In me.’ It came out strangled. ‘I want it in me.’ He grabbed for the pillow under his head with his free hand, grabbing it and turning his face away as he squeezed his eyes closed. He could feel himself starting to shake, the involuntary spasming of his body as he fought to keep control of himself.

‘Yeah.’ Jim’s hand was pumping steadily, hitting him just right every time. ‘You want me to fuck you in the ass, Doc?’ There was a bite to it, a sharpness that made Ross pant and shiver. ‘You want my cock in you?’ He turned his head, bit the inside of Ross’ thigh. ‘Want me to come inside you, make you all wet?’

‘Christ, Jim…’ Ross couldn’t hold on. He could feel his climax starting and he opened his eyes to see Jim watching him intently. ‘Yes…please…’

‘Fuck, I love it when you say please.’ Jim’s eyes were glittering in the gloom. He nudged at Ross’ hand with his nose and Ross took it away, crying out when Jim replaced it with his mouth. He went hard and fast, sucking at the head and then running his tongue up and down the shaft before taking Ross all the way in.

‘God…’ Ross moved onto his elbows, head falling back as he opened his legs as wide as he could and felt Jim’s hand start hammering into him. There was nothing now except the feeling of Jim’s finger in his ass and Jim’s mouth on his cock, a truly mind blowing combination that had him crying out in helpless pleasure. He let his eyes close and took it all, drowning in it until he came, his entire body bowing up off the bed. It was like nothing he’d experienced before, the orgasm so close to earth shattering that he was exhausted when he fell back onto the bed. He lay there, panting hard and unable to even move. Jim drew off, his finger slipping out, and Ross managed to open one eye to see that he had semen all over his mouth and chin, wiping it away with the back of his hand as he looked at Ross.

‘My turn.’ he growled and Ross smiled at him. He watched as Jim moved up so he was balanced over his face, then opened his mouth obediently, and moaned as Jim thrust in very gently with his hands braced against the headboard. He kept his thrusts shallow, barely reaching the back of Ross’ throat, and Ross worked his tongue against the underside, knowing how it made Jim crazy when he did that.

‘Fuck…’ Jim looked down at him and took one hand off the headboard to run it through Ross’ hair and tug gently. ‘I love fucking your mouth.’ Ross locked eyes with him, now too far gone to feel any shame in what they were doing. When Jim pulled out slowly, he stuck out his tongue so it traced the underside, feeling the vein pulse. Then Jim slid back in, and Ross reached for him, hands on Jim’s hips to keep him there as he started a slow rhythm of thrusts that made him pant and tighten his grip in Ross’ hair. He ran his hands down Jim’s thigh’s, feeling the muscles working as he moved, and then dug his nails in as Jim moaned shamelessly.

‘You feel so fucking good.’ he panted. ‘I can’t wait to fuck your ass. You’re gonna be so fucking tight around my cock.’ He smiled down at Ross, the dimples deep. ‘I’m gonna ruin you for anyone else. Make you scream so loud they hear you all the way up at the house.’ He bit his bottom lip and the sight of it made Ross’ cock twitch. ‘Gonna fuck you slow and deep and come all the way up inside you.’

That was all it took for Ross to moan as well, his brain short circuiting from the combination of the acrid taste as Jim came in his mouth and the dirty talk spilling from his lips. He wanted it so badly, everything Jim was saying to him. He swallowed as much as he could, coughing a little as Jim pulled out and climbed off of him to fall down next to him on the bed. They lay like that, both of them panting and knocked out by what they had just done. It was a while before Jim finally sat up enough to light the customary post-coital cigarettes and handed Ross his.

‘You’re fucking dead, Doc.’ he said. ‘I’m gonna fuck you all day.’

‘Yeah?’ Ross’ could hear how rough his voice was. ‘Do your fucking worst, flyboy.’

‘Oh, I plan to.’ Jim laughed, puffs of smoke dancing around his face. ‘Your ass is mine today. I’m gonna eat you out and fuck you on my fingers until you’re comatose. And then I’m gonna stick my cock in your ass and make you come so hard you pass out.’

‘You have got a seriously filthy mouth, you know that?’ Ross said and Jim rolled over onto his side, coming in so close Ross could track the dilation of his pupils.

‘You love my mouth.’ he breathed and then kissed him.

‘I do.’ Ross murmured when he pulled back. ‘But I think I’m going to love your cock even more.’ He was warm and fuzzy and didn’t care anymore. If Jim wanted him to talk dirty and this was the result he was prepared to say just about anything to get it.

‘Fuckin’ A.’ Jim was smiling. He licked over Ross’ mouth, their tongues brushing for a few moments, and then lay back down again. ‘Just let me sleep for five minutes.’ That made Ross laugh mid-inhale and he started coughing. Jim watched him as he sat up, amusement all over his face. ‘You okay?’ Ross waved a hand at him.

‘Probably shouldn’t inhale and laugh at the same time.’ he said and Jim smiled at him, exhaling smoke in his direction.

‘No, you shouldn’t.’ he replied.

********

They did go to sleep and Ross woke up feeling sated and more relaxed than he’d ever felt. Then he noticed that the bed was empty and sat up. There was no noise except for the sound of the transistor radio that Janet had lent them playing softly from the living area. That meant Jim was up and probably about.

‘Jim?’ he called but got no reply.

Ross considered his options. Eventually he got up and went to chance the rain outside so he could go piss. He found that it was surprisingly warm outside and took the opportunity to go stand under the shower, washing the saliva and cum off if himself. The inside of his thighs were still slick with coconut oil and it didn’t wash away with the water. Ross smiled and then tentatively felt around, catching his breath as the tip of his finger went in easily. It felt good and he moved it deeper, spreading his feet so he could get it further in. he felt the beginnings of heat and pleasure racing through him and let himself breathe deeply as he worked it around. He had never imagined it would feel that good. His cock was filling out, rising up to stand away from his body. Ross was tempted to touch himself, pretend it was Jim’s hand, but he wanted to draw this out. He ran his free hand over his chest instead, paying attention to his nipples and teasing them until they were hard. He was now panting under the water, the feel of it on his cock heightening everything, so engrossed in what he was doing that he didn’t hear anything until Jim inhaled sharply.

‘Fuck.’ There was nothing but heat in his voice. Ross’ first reaction was to stop what he was doing and turn to look at him, a guilty expression on his face. What he got was Jim staring openly at his cock, and the look on his face was one of unadulterated lust. He tore his eyes away long enough to look at Ross. ‘Don’t stop.’

Ross simply stood there and Jim came towards him. He reached for Ross’ hand and turned him back around, guiding it to where it had been.

‘Show me.’ he breathed in Ross’ ear. ‘Show me how you fuck yourself.’ He dragged Ross’ fingers over himself and pressed one in. Ross felt it slide back inside and whined. Behind him he could feel the rough drag of Jim’s jeans against his naked skin.

‘Jim...’ it came out pleading.

‘Stay here.’ Jim said. ‘Don’t move and keep doing that.’ He stepped away and disappeared inside. Ross did as he’d been told, working his finger in and out until Jim came back. He was naked now and held the jar. This time though, he didn’t use it sparingly. This time there was far too much and it went on thick over Ross’ skin and where his finger penetrated him. It felt good, slick and getting slicker as it warmed on contact with his skin. Jim ran his own fingers over him and then Ross felt the tiniest burn as he eased one of his own in alongside the one already there.

‘Good?’ he asked, kissing along Ross’ shoulder and Ross nodded, not trusting himself to speak. His cock was hard now, and he could feel Jim’s digging into his back. The fingers worked him open, slowly and steadily until they were sliding in and out with no trouble at all. Then Jim pulled them out, moving Ross’ hand to brace against the wall. He added more oil and Ross felt two fingers go back in, this time widening as they pulled out and stretching him even further. Everything was slippery, the drag against his sensitised skin almost too much. Jim had his other hand at the nape of Ross’ neck, holding him still.

‘You ready?’ he asked. ‘Cause we can go more.’

‘No.’ Ross choked out. ‘I’m good.’ He felt like he was going to explode if he didn’t get some relief from this heat inside him.

‘Okay.’ Jim pulled his fingers out. ‘Not out here. Get inside.’ He herded Ross back in and when they got to the room he went to him, both of them still wet and slippery, and shoved him onto the bed so Ross was on his back. Then he stood and looked down at him, a wicked smile on his face.

‘What?’ Ross was panting, already so far gone that he didn’t care that he was getting water and coconut oil all over the bed, legs spread like some back alley whore.

‘You.’ Jim replied, smiling at him. ‘I can’t believe you’re the same person sometimes.’ He moved to the edge of the bed. ‘Open your legs. I want to see the tight little ass I’m gonna be fucking.’

‘Will you stop doing that?’ Ross protested, now embarrassed.

‘No.’ Jim replied. ‘Not when it gets you off like it does.’ He moved in and leaned over, running one hand down Ross’ leg. ‘Now open.’ Ross huffed and did as he’d been told, averting his eyes. He felt Jim slide one hand up the inside of his thigh, his thumb pressing in on the space between his cock and his balls and making pleasure surge through him. It rubbed over him before sliding down and inside him, going all the way in until Jim’s hand bumped against him. Behind them, Aretha had started singing in the living area, her smoky voice drifting in to join theirs.

Ross moaned and abandoned all control. He let his legs splay open and looked back at Jim. Jim was now kneeling on the bed, hand working and the other sliding up over the matted hair on Ross’ stomach to thumb over his nipple. Ross looked down at where Jim's cock stood out between them, hard and dripping onto his stomach. It seemed unthinkable that it would fit inside him but he dearly wanted to find out. Jim pulled his hand away. He’d bought the jar with him and the last application was to his cock, slicking it up until it gleamed and then wiping the residue on Ross, making him whine.

‘You ready?’ he asked and Ross smiled at how his voice was shaking, betraying how aroused he was. He locked eyes with Jim, going all in.

‘Fuck me.’ he said and watched with gratification as Jim’s face went feral. ‘Put your cock in my ass and fuck me.’

‘Jesus, Ross…’ Jim moved down over him almost instantly, taking his weight on one hand. He took hold of himself and Ross felt the way the head moved over him, heart pounding. Jim kept watching him, pressing in gently. He was thicker than their fingers had been, and this time the stretch was more insistent, the burn more pervasive. It was counterbalanced though, the pleasure making it bearable as Jim entered him an inch at a time. Ross placed both hands on Jim’s upper arms to steady them both. His breathing had dropped to almost nothing, and then Jim’s cock went in all the way, a smooth thrust that seemed to go on forever, and making Ross feel like he was going to split apart. It hurt, but it faded as Jim stopped to let him adjust. He leaned forward to pepper Ross’ face with kisses, murmuring soft endearments until Ross slid his hands up and over Jim’s back and pulled him in close.

‘I’m okay.’ he whispered in Jim’s ear. ‘Fuck me, Jim. Fuck me hard. I want to feel all of it. I want you to make me come.’

These were all the things he dreamed of in the dark. These were the things he’d always wanted to do and now he was getting the chance to. Jim kissed his mouth and Ross opened his, their tongues tangling until they were both breathless. His hands were splayed over Jim’s back, feeling how the muscles worked as Jim braced himself on his knees, arms up next to Ross head so he could lean on his elbows and take his weight. His fingers slid through Ross’ wet hair, tangling themselves in the curls, and then he started moving. He kissed Ross again, a mess of open mouths and tongues and saliva as he pulled out just enough and then eased back in.

Ross hooked his feet over Jim’s thighs, the feeling of being breached no longer so uncomfortable as Jim fucked him like he’d promised he would – slow and deep and with a reverence that made Ross close his eyes, afraid of what he’d see if he looked at Jim’s face. They moved together, their breathing falling into synch and speeding up and then Jim shifted position and Ross cried out as the head of Jim’s cock slid over that place inside him. It was completely involuntary, ripped out of him again and again as Jim thrust a little harder.

‘Yes.’ He breathed into Ross’ open mouth. ‘Let go, baby. I want to you come all over me.’

Ross arched up into him, his brows drawn down and his forehead creased in concentration as he battled to breathe. The feeling of Jim inside him was now back where it had been before, that heavenly sense of being so filled with pleasure that he could not comprehend how it was not going to blow him apart. Jim was moving faster now, the urgency of his thrusts igniting Ross’ blood and he tightened his arms around him and moaned like he was dying. Jim replied in kind, resting his forehead against Ross’ as they cried out together. They came almost at the same time, Ross going first as the friction of his cock between them and the feel of Jim inside him pushed him right over the edge, and Jim followed as Ross’ body tightened convulsively around him and triggered his climax. It was shattering, and Ross stared into Jim’s eyes as they fucked each other through it, so deep down in love and lust and everything in between that he knew that no matter what happened to them, this moment would be theirs.

They finally stopped, both of them shaking uncontrollably as they came down together. They hadn’t looked away, and as Aretha’s words reached them they smiled at each other.

‘She’s right, you know.’ Jim breathed, his voice broken and hoarse. He pushed Ross’ sweat drenched curls from his forehead. ‘Guess that means I belong to you now, Doc.’

‘I love you.’ Ross couldn’t say anything else but that, the feeling that those words were so inadequate in expressing what he really felt. Jim smiled at him and kissed him once, butterfly-soft and so full of what he was feeling that it felt almost like a benediction.

‘I love you too, baby.’ he replied.

***********

They fucked the rest of the day away until they were tired and sore and neither of them could walk straight. The food Jim had gone to fetch was all they ate that day, neither of them willing or able to leave each other’s sides. It was now dark and they were still in the bed, Ross draped across Jim and cushioning his chin on his hand. He was staring at Jim in the light of the hurricane lamp, a creature of shadow and gold, as Jim smoked and stroked Ross’ hair.

‘I meant it.’ he said and Jim hummed in question. ‘About us being together. After, I mean.’ Jim looked at him, his eyes thoughtful.

‘You sure?’ he asked. ‘It ain’t gonna be easy.’

‘I’m sure.’ Ross said. ‘I don’t want anyone else. Just you.’ He reached up and stroked his fingertip over Jim’s mouth and Jim kissed it. ‘I’m never going to love anyone the way I love you. Not now and not ever.’ Jim watched him, and then sighed softly.

‘I might not make it back.’ he said. ‘You know that could happen.’

‘I know.’ Ross said. ‘And if it does, then that stands.’ He moved up so he could kiss Jim, and Jim kissed him back. ‘Not ever.’

‘Yeah.’ Jim said when he pulled away from him. ‘Me neither.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from I Never Loved A Man (The Way I Love You) by Aretha Franklin


	14. Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You do not want to know what kind of week I've had, lol. Sadly, the boys' is only going to get worse as well.

The last morning was the worst. And the best.

They hadn’t slept much the night before with desperation seeping in at the edges as they hung onto the minutes and tried to wish away the fact that in twenty-four hours they would be back in Chu Lai, having to pretend to just be friends and watching how they spoke to each other, trying not to forget that friends didn’t touch or look at each other the way they had been free to do for the past seven days.

They had gotten used to this in such a short time. Ross had never felt like he’d had freedom before, not until he was able to take when and how he wanted. He had fallen in love with the simple touches they had shared every minute of the day, of being in bed with Jim and feeling the warm weight of his body against him, how Jim smiled and his breathing caught when Ross moved past him and slid one hand across his lower back and kissed the side of his neck.

He didn’t know if he could live without it anymore.

He inhaled deeply looking up at Jim above him. Jim’s eyes were closed, his moaning soft and broken as he moved in a gentle back and forth, his hands braced against Ross’ chest for leverage as he rode him so slowly it was like the sweetest kind of torture. It wasn’t sunrise yet and the light was dim, giving everything a shadowy dreamy quality as it dribbled in through the shutters and lit Jim up until he looked like he was glowing. It burnished his hair and reflected off his eyelashes and Ross could do nothing but watch him, captivated by his beauty and the way his face grew pained even as he arched back, coming with a soft moan that tore his heart out every time he heard it. Jim’s head dropped forward and he started speeding up, just enough to make Ross’ toes curl and his grip tighten around the bars of the head board.

‘Yes…’ it came out as a whisper and Jim’s eyes opened, hazy with sleepiness and pleasure. He moved forward and Ross pulled himself up just enough to kiss him, Jim’s mouth soft and pliant as he pushed back down onto Ross’ cock and then it came for him. This one was deep and rippled through him with all the inevitability of tidal water, and Ross let himself moan all he wanted.

When he was done Jim draped himself over him and they traded lazy kisses until Ross slipped out of him and Jim moved to the side to curl up under his arm with his head pillowed on Ross’ chest. Ross kissed the top of his head, and wrapped his arms around him.

‘Love you.’ he murmured the words into Jim’s sweaty hair and felt Jim smile against his chest. He had one hand sliding up, fingers combing through the thick dark hair. He looked up at Ross, and right at that moment he looked far younger than his twenty-two years.

‘Love you back.’ he replied and moved to kiss Ross once and then lay back down. He was blinking slowly as he went back to playing with the hair on Ross’ chest, tracing patterns through it, brushing over his nipples and tangling in his dog tags. In spite of the fact that they had already had sex several times, Ross felt a tingle go through him. He gave Jim what he hoped was a suggestive look and got a snort of laughter.

‘No way, Doc.’ Jim said. ‘No more. You pretty much broke me tonight.’ He turned away, reaching for the cigarettes, lighting one for them to share. He lay on his beck and inhaled, the ember lighting up his face for a second before handing it off to Ross and exhaling at the ceiling. Ross took it and did the same and they bounced the cigarette for a few minutes, silence descending between them.

‘I don’t want to go back.’ It was so soft that Ross barely heard it, but it broke his heart nonetheless.

‘I don’t want you to go back either.’ he replied. ‘I worry about what could happen to you. I’ve seen so much and it would kill me if you ended up in front of me.’

‘I used to think about it all the time the first year I was in country.’ Jim said and killed the cigarette. ‘I used to get real scared about dying, used to lie awake and think about it. I saw a lot of guys fly out and not come back that first year. Saw a lot of guys die in the back of my bird. And then we got hit and it was like I stopped caring about it, like it didn’t matter anymore. Then they zapped Billy and that was kind of it for me. I got real bad for a bit, drinking and fucking any guy that looked at me, trying to feel somethin’.’ He rolled onto one elbow and looked down at Ross. ‘And then you turned up and now all I want is to make it through this shit and go back to be with you.’ His dimples flickered as the corners of his mouth quirked in a wry smile. ‘I love you so goddamn much, Ross.’

Ross stared at him and then it broke. He grabbed Jim by the back of his neck and pulled him in, their mouth colliding so violently their teeth clashed. Jim kissed him back with renewed ferocity and they licked and bit at each other until their mouths were bruised. Ross got Jim around the waist and pulled him on top of him and Jim straddled him and tangled his hands in Ross’ hair as he did his level best to kiss him stupid. Ross hung on, licking into Jim’s mouth and digging his fingers in as heat raced through him.

‘Fuck…’ Jim was panting when he let him go. ‘Christ, I fucking want you.’

‘I thought you said no.’ Ross couldn’t help smiling. He felt drugged, high on what they did to each other.

‘Fuck you.’ Jim growled and then his mouth was back. Ross winced as Jim caught his lip between his teeth but didn’t stop. Instead he got both hands under Jim’s ass and hauled him up so he sprawled across his chest. Jim whined and thrust down into him and Ross slid his fingers down, feeling the cum still leaking out of him, then jammed two fingers in. Jim broke away to cry out and Ross thrust them in deep, not caring if it hurt or if it was too much. He just wanted to get inside him any way he could. Jim was hot and wet inside, and his fingers slid in and out easily as he pumped his hand hard. Over him, Jim had managed to brace himself on his hands and he locked eyes with Ross. Ross gave him a smile that was bordering on arrogant, getting off on the very clear effect he was having.

‘You like that?’ he breathed and Jim responding by hissing at him.

‘Yeah, I fucking like it.’ He sounded unhinged. ‘Come on, you son of a bitch. Fuck me.’ He threw his head back, biting his lip as Ross went as deep as he could, twisting his fingers and making him cry out.

‘You’re so fucking beautiful like this.’ Ross lifted his free hand to Jim’s face, thumbing over his mouth. Jim caught it between his teeth and drew it in, sucking on it. When he let go, it came out with a string of saliva still connecting them and then they were all over each other again. It had no grace to it, no finesse to it at all, and Ross could only let himself be dragged down with the passion that threatened to drown them both. Jim’s tongue was in his mouth and he tasted so good that Ross never wanted to come up for air. He thrust his fingers in harder and Jim moaned into his mouth. Ross toppled them over, getting Jim on his back and he splayed his legs open. He was making those wonderful uninhibited sounds that Ross couldn’t get enough of, and he leaned over him, catching one nipple between his teeth and sucking hard on it and Jim grabbed the bars above him and held on.

‘Fuck…fuck yeah…harder…’ He was watching Ross, his pupils blown wide and his mouth open as he panted. Ross switched across to the other nipple, using his teeth just enough to make Jim swear even louder as he tongued it. He wanted this, wanted to make Jim lose it and give up everything to him.

‘You feel so fucking good.’ He kissed the nipple under his mouth and then licked over it. He could feel how wet Jim’s cock was against his arm and knew he was in the same state. ‘I don’t want to ever lose this.’

‘You won’t, baby.’ Jim was smiling, blissed out and dimpled and making Ross’ pulse stutter. ‘I told you, my ass belong to you now.’ The smile grew wicked. ‘Now fuck me.’

‘Shit.’ Ross pulled his fingers out and got onto his knees between Jim’s spread legs. He got him under the knees, hooking them over his elbows, and lined up before driving in hard. He bottomed out and pulled Jim’s legs up so he was going deep as he could. Jim stared up at him, taking his own cock in his hand and working it in time with his thrusts and beckoning Ross down with his other. Ross went and Jim took him by the back of the neck as they fucked hard and fast.

‘That’s it, Doc.’ he panted. ‘I want you to fuck my ass so hard it’ll be a week before I can walk straight.’ He was smiling, and it was completely infectious. Ross smiled back at him and drove in until every muscle was begging for release. Underneath him, Jim was shouting loud enough to shatter glass. Ross watched every little emotion that flew across his face and licked into his open mouth. He could feel Jim’s body starting to spasm around him and it drove him closer to the edge.

‘God, I fucking love you.’ he growled and Jim’s blissful smile was back. ‘You coming?’

‘Yeah.’ Jim opened his eyes and locked gazes with him. ‘Gonna come real hard on your cock, baby.’ He pushed back into Ross, and whined as Ross hit him dead on. ‘Fuck…’

‘Uh-huh.’ Ross was swiftly losing the ability to speak. ‘Come on me.’ He was too, could feel it taking over and knocking the very breath out of him. ‘Oh God, Jim…’ Jim pulled him down so their foreheads were touching.

‘I love you…’ he breathed. ‘I love you, Ross…’ He keened one more time, drawn out and heart-rendingly lovely to Ross’ ears, arching back as he came between their bodies and driving Ross to his own orgasm. He buried his face in Jim’s neck, crying out against his sweat drenched skin. He came deep inside, feeling the convulsive tightening of Jim’s body around his cock. They looked at each other when they were done, both of them breathing heavily. Jim leaned up just enough to kiss Ross on the mouth and Ross melted into it.

‘Never let me go, Doc.’ Jim breathed into his mouth.

‘I won’t.’ Ross replied, his heart almost aching with the love he felt. ‘I told you, not now and not ever.

*******

It didn’t take long for Ross to pass out, emotionally and physically done in. Jim lay next to him and watched him. He loved looking at Ross, taking in the little scattering of dark freckles that lay across Ross’ skin like a constellation in reverse, the sweep of thick dark lashes and the beautifully shaped mouth that gave him so much pleasure. He twirled a curl of dark hair around his finger and then sighed. It would be easy to let this take him back to the way he’d been before. It had been far harder getting used to all the blood and death than he’d let on, and Jim was scared by the thought that loving Ross would set him all the way back and yet at the same time he was powerless to stop himself.

He lay for a while, the light becoming transluscent as it got to the hour before sunrise. Jim watched it filter through the shutters and then back at Ross. It was dancing across his hair, the red highlights gleaming, and Jim leaned over to kiss him gently on his high cheekbone, feeling the irregular skin of the scar under his lips. He got up, taking care to pull the sheet back over Ross, and then padded across to his bag. He grabbed his cigarettes and lighter then pulled on his baggies and a t-shirt before he went into the living area, stopping to pick up his wax and the board, then left the bungalow and pulled the door closed behind him.

The walk down to the beach was quiet with even the birds seemed to be sleeping. Jim took his time, stopping to stare through the trees at the sky, now coloured pink and gold at the edges. When he came off the path and walked through the maze of boulders, the tide was in and he waded through the knee deep water until he came out onto the beach. The water was starting to retreat and Jim stuck the board in the sand and sat down. He lit a cigarette and watched the sun coming up over the horizon. It was different to California, and yet also so similar that it made his heart ache.

He missed this, the quiet and the water and being alone with his thoughts. Rob had always understood this and Rose too. It didn’t escape his notice that one of the things that drew him to Ross was that Ross seemed to have seen through his cocky exterior without even trying, had gone right through it to find who he was underneath. It was going to be hard to let this go, this easy intimacy they’d built up in their short time together. Jim had never had it with anyone and now he’d had a taste of it he didn’t want to let it go. He wanted to hang onto Ross with both hands and let himself be loved with that warm steady love that Ross gave him so freely.

The sun came up and made the water glitter and Jim was mesmerised by the play of light. He finally killed the cigarette and got up, pulling off his t-shirt and picking up the board. The water was warm when he waded in, getting thigh deep before he put the board on the water and threw himself on, the momentum carrying him forward. Jim started paddling, even strokes that drew him forward with efficiency born of long practice. He got to the first break, and duck dived under the wave, coming up with a shake of his head to shake the water from his eyes. He got out beyond the last break and sat up, legs astride his board as he rode the swells.

It had only really started to register in the past week that this might actually last. The conversation on the plane in had started him thinking and now Jim was starting to believe little by little that they might be able to pull it off. Ross wouldn’t care where they ended up and it wasn’t like California wouldn’t need doctors. They might even be able to move somewhere else, maybe San Francisco. They could get a little apartment and he could surf on weekends.

Jim had always been a big believer in fate even if he didn’t say as much and this thing with Ross seemed like it was destined, if he listened to the hopeless romantic inside him. He’d always dreamed of finding someone one day, not immune to the siren song that reading a hundred classics had made him particularly attuned to, and Ross was something out of his most secret dreams – handsome and kind and clever. It was like he’d been given everything he’d ever wanted.

But that would just make it easier to take away.

Jim sighed and pulled himself back into himself, then focused on the wave coming in. It was a good one and he turned and caught it, paddling hard with the swell and popping up as it crested. He rode it down, his adrenaline spiking and the exhilaration filling him up. He caught the water with his fingertips, the spray catching the sunlight, and in that second Jim was perfectly happy.

*********

Ross woke up drooling on his pillow and with an empty space in the bed next to him.

He turned onto his back and squinted at the bright sunlight that was coming through the shutters. Jim was no doubt out on the water already and his suspicions were confirmed when Ross got up and walked through to see the board was gone. He went out into the back courtyard , scratching the hair on his chest while he took a leak. He ran his fingers over the tags around his neck and looked at the embossed letters.

_Poldark_   
_Ross V_   
_TX88752463_   
_B POS 333-71-9915_   
_CATHOLIC_

This was him, the man he’d turned into. When Ross had first been given his tags they had felt foreign, like he was masquerading as the person who had joined the army and become a captain in the Medical Corps. He’d felt back then that he’d never be able to figure out who he was, but now everything was different. Everything was falling into place.

Ross went back inside and grabbed a towel, then showered and got dressed. He walked up towards the house, stopping to say good morning to Mabel. Janet was up and in the kitchen when he got there, and she smiled at him.

‘Morning.’ she said. ‘Breakfast is waiting.’ She looked past him. ‘Jim in the water?’

‘Probably.’ Ross said, pushing his sunglasses back on his head. ‘It’s the last day.’ He bent over to pat Dingo and Jake, and then straightened up. ‘You want me to bring wood in?’ Janet’s back irked her and he had been happy to help out in whatever way he could.

‘Sure.’ Janet disappeared back inside the kitchen and Ross went to carry wood over from the pile round the back. When he was done, she handed him a three stack tiffin tin and Ross took it and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

‘Thanks Jan.’ he said and she handed him a glass bottle of juice to take with him.

‘I’m sorry to see you lads go.’ she said. ‘It’s been nice having you around.’

‘I know.’ Ross said. ‘And you and Henry have been so wonderful.’

‘Well, we’ve taken to you.’ Jan said with a smile. ‘Listen, tell Jim that I’ve lined up a little surprise for tonight. You boys get dressed up, all right?'

‘What kind of surprise?’ Ross asked and she laughed.

‘If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise.’ she said and chased him out the kitchen.

Ross walked down, tiffin tin swinging from his one hand and the bottle in the other. He would be sad to leave. It was lovely here and he’d been happier here than he’d ever been. He daydreamed as he walked, thinking about what it would be like to just throw everything in and move here. Jan had introduced him around the village on those mornings he’d gone with her to buy groceries while Jim was surfing. He’d discovered that she was the village nurse, visiting the families and seeing to them and only accepting bartering as her payment. Ross had been happy to assist on a few occasions, and it had made him think that this could be a possibly viable lifestyle. The villagers were very nice people, even if he didn’t have a clue what they were saying. Janet spoke Balinese fluently as did Henry, and she’d done all the translating as they’d run an impromptu clinic in the main street outside the shop.

He got to the trail that led past the bungalow to the beach and watched for monkeys as he went, picking some of the guavas that grew on the trees that lined the pathway to take with him. He’d discovered that the little troop that lived down on the fringes of the beach were friendly and curious and had grown progressively braver as the week had worn on.

He wound his way through the boulders and came out onto the white sand, the reflected light blinding him. He looked out at the ocean, spotting Jim immediately. He was sitting riding the swells at the back like he usually did, just waiting for that perfect wave. Ross was pretty sure he meditated out there, or whatever Jim did which was his equivalent. Ross knew that whenever he came in from the water, his sea-eyes would be clear and calm and his smile would be free of any cares he might be harbouring.

He kicked off Jim’s flip flops that he’d borrowed, comically small on his feet, and dumped the food container and bottle in the sand then walked down to the water. The waves curled around his ankles and Ross dug his toes into the sand. He put his fingers to his lips and whistled, one shrill note, and Jim turned his head and saw him, then turned his board and started in. Ross went back up the beach and waited for him. He sat down and Jim left the board at the water’s edge and came to him, dropping down onto the sand and using his t-shirt to dry his hands and face off. He leaned over and Ross went to him, the kiss almost domestic in its familiarity. This was one of his favourite things now, that gentle good morning kiss.

‘Hi.’ Jim’s eyes were sparkling. ‘Nice of you to get your ass up, Doc.’

‘Shut up.’ Ross replied. ‘I bought you goddamn breakfast.’ That got him a dimpled smile and another kiss, this one far more lingering.

‘And I appreciate it.’ Jim replied, his smile full of promises that Ross knew were going to get him nothing but trouble. ‘Let me show you just how much.’ He gave Ross a shove back onto the sand and then climbed on top of him, pushing his t-shirt up and starting a slow trail of kisses down his chest. By the time he got between Ross’ legs, Ross was a lost cause. He lay there, the sun in his eyes, and made all the noise he wanted. By the time he finally came very noisily in Jim’s mouth, he’d gathered quite an audience. The monkeys sat in a semi-circle, showing every sign of interest as they watched them. Jim sat up, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He looked at them and then laughed and the monkeys chittered and scattered to a safe distance. Ross glared at him as he pulled his shorts back up.

‘You chased them away.’ he said and Jim snickered and moved to sit right in his lap. He wound both arms around Ross’ neck and kissed him, the taste of semen in his mouth and a raging hard on digging into Ross’ stomach.

‘They’re still there.’ he replied, leaning in and licking along Ross’ lower lip. ‘They’re just keeping a safe distance.’ The lick turned into a nip. ‘Now you gonna jack me off Doc, or do I have to do it myself.’

‘Bossy.’ Ross said, grinning and shoving his hand down the front of Jim’s shorts.

*********

They spent the entire day on the beach, then walked up to the bungalow hand in hand and stopping to kiss along the pathway at almost every turn.

They took a long shower with lots of the inevitable hand action, then got dressed as to specification. Jim didn’t have any shirts, so he borrowed one of Ross’. It was light blue chambray and he looked remarkably good in it. He was busy buttoning it up as Ross came over and caught him by the front and pulled him into a kiss.

‘You look good in that.’ he said. ‘I think you should keep it.’ Jim laughed and tilted his head so Ross could pulled the shirt back and kiss his neck.

‘You gonna make me into a housewife?’ he asked and Ross looked at him.

‘You could be if you wanted.’ he replied. ‘Doctors make good money.’ He cupped Jim’s face and kissed him again. ‘You could do anything you ever wanted.’ He smiled at the suddenly abashed look on Jim’s face. ‘What have you always wanted to do?’ When he got no reply he raised his eyebrows. ‘Jim?’

‘You’ll laugh.’ Jim replied. He looked completely different to the cocksure pilot Ross knew.

‘No, I won’t.’ he replied.

‘Write.’ Jim said and this time the surprise was genuine.

‘Really?’ Ross knew that Jim was always scribbling away in his journal when he thought Ross wasn’t watching, but he’d had no idea as to what he was doing.

‘Yeah.’ Jim was now looking away and trying to get out of Ross’ arms, but Ross tightened his grip and held onto him. ‘It’s stupid.’

‘It’s not stupid.’ he said. ‘You’re not stupid. You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. And if that’s what you want to do, then you can do it.’ He caught Jim by the sides of the neck. ‘Look at me, Jim.’ Jim finally lifted his eyes and Ross thumbed along his cheekbones. ‘Anything you want babe. I’d give you the moon if I could.’ That brought out the dimples.

‘Asshole.’ Jim said, but Ross could see he was pleased.

‘The moon.’ he repeated. ‘And every fucking perfect wave in the world.’

‘How about a dog?’ Jim was doing that sweet smile of his that made Ross want to move mountains for him.

‘All the dogs you want, babe.’ he replied and Jim kissed him.

‘I love you.’ he whispered.

‘I love you too.’ Ross replied. The looked at each other and then Jim sighed and stepped back from him.

‘We better get going.’ he said and Ross nodded and followed him out the bedroom.

They walked up to the house. It was balmy and clear and they held hands the whole way up until they found Janet and Henry waiting for them. There was some wriggling to get himself and Jim into the back seat so Janet could put Henry in the front and then they drove down to the cluster of houses that formed the residential part of the village. The gathering was all the village residents and they were enthusiastically greeted. Janet introduced Jim around and there was a lot of excited conversation as Ross had small children thrust at him. His reputation as a child wrangler seemed to proceed him, and Jim grinned as he watched Ross dandle two toddlers on his knees while they sat and had a three way conversation with several people at once.

The evening passed in a wash of local spirits and whole suckling pig. Ross got piled on by even more small children and was now sitting cradling three of them in his lap with another three pressed into his sides. Jim was sitting next to him explaining about surfing while Janet translated.

‘They find it fascinating.’ she said to him. ‘I taught a few of them some years ago, but not since I stopped.’ The old man next to her nudged Janet in the arm and nodded at Jim. He said something in Balinese and Janet replied.

‘Made Dewi has asked if you are protected.’ she said. ‘He says the ocean is a powerful place.’

‘Yeah.’ Jim was smiling. ‘He’s not wrong. But what does he mean by protected?’ Janet translated and Made Dewi rolled up his sleeve, revealing an intricate set of faded blue lines on his upper arm.

‘It’s a sacred pattern.’ Janet said. ‘It’s for those that make their living on the water.’ Jim leaned over and inspected the design.

‘It’s beautiful.’ he said. Made Dewi chuckled and said something to Janet.

‘Oh no, that’s not a good idea.’ she said and Jim raised his eyebrows at her.

‘What isn’t a good idea?’ he asked.

That was how Jim ended up sitting next to the fire pit with his shirt off and Made Dewi tapping a design into his left upper arm while Ross sat and fretted about sepsis. He winced as he watched and Jim laughed at him and took another pull from the bottle he was holding. He was pretty hammered and bearing up remarkably well under the pain. The design was deceptively simple, two black bands lined with a row of stylised waves and then punctuated with dots. A slender line ran through the middle before the pattern was repeated on the other side. Made Dewi had explained the symbolism to him and Jim was watching with a look of drunken fascination on his face. The black ink contrasted with his tanned skin, tiny rivulets of blood running down his arm. He looked at Ross and grinned when he saw the expression on his face.

‘You can disinfect it afterwards.’ he said and Ross made a face at him.

‘It’s a mark of high honour.’ Janet said, prodding Ross with her bare foot. ‘He doesn’t do this for just anyone. Thankfully he likes you.’

It took about three hours for Made Dewi to finish and Jim hissed as he took the bottle from his hands and emptied it over the tattoo, washing away the blood. Ross took that as the final straw and went in search of a clean cloth and boiling water. He sat and cleaned off the design with gentle strokes, much to Made Dewi’s amusement, and Jim watched him with a dreamy love-struck smile on his face.

‘You’ve got the gentlest hands.’ he said and Ross looked up at him. ‘That’s the thing I remember from that night I had to come in when the greenhouse got shot up.’

‘Yeah?’ Ross took a drink and handed the bottle back over.

‘Yeah.’ Jim said. ‘And then the next time when you came down to check on me and I caught you staring.’

‘I wasn’t staring.’ Ross immediately replied and Jim chuckled.

‘Sure you weren’t, Doc.’ He sighed and leaned back on his free hand. ‘You know I wanted you, even back then.’

‘I think it was earlier for me.’ Ross replied. ‘I think it was that first night we met, the way you were watching me across the table.’ He looked at Jim. ‘How did you know it was me?’

‘I saw your face.’ Jim replied. ‘The light was on it.’ He grinned. ‘I wasn’t completely joking when I asked if you wanted to join in.’

The night finished late, and they finally went back to the house. Jim lay cuddled up in Ross’s arms in the back, his arm saran-wrapped to keep dirt out of the fresh tattoo. Ross inspected it and grinned at him.

‘I can’t believe you did that.’ he said. Jim gave him a happy drunk smile.

‘I seem to be making all sorts of interesting decisions lately.’ he replied and kissed him. Janet chuckled from the front seat. Henry had long since gone to sleep.

‘You two.’ she said, affection colouring her voice.

When they arrived back at the house, Ross helped Janet carry Henry inside. She was so light, barely weighing anything in his arms, and he carried her up to their room and put her in the bed. Janet came in behind him and worked briskly, getting Henry into her nightgown and tucked in. Ross watched her and smiled when she straightened up.

‘You really love her.’ he said. ‘You’re lucky that you’ve been able to be together.’

‘We are.’ Janet said, her grey eyes serious. ‘You know that we could always use you here, Ross. Maybe after you’re done in Vietnam, you could think about coming here. You could stay in the bungalow until you find a place for you and Jim.’ Her words hit Ross in the chest, making him feel warm all the way through. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her.

‘Thank you, Jan.’ he said, his voice rough with emotion. ‘For everything.’

‘Do me a favour, Ross.’ Janet replied. ‘Don’t let that boy of yours go. Hang onto him and love him and keep him safe.’

‘I’m trying.’ Ross replied. ‘As hard as I can.’

‘I know, sweetheart.’ Janet let him go and Ross saw her eyes were bright with unshed tears. ‘You two have a bumpy road ahead of you, but remember that you can do anything if you’re together.’ She patted his cheek. ‘And that man downstairs is almost as stubborn as you are, I can see that much.’

‘He is.’ Ross couldn’t help smiling and she looked at him.

‘You love him very much, don’t you?’ she said and he nodded.

‘More than I thought I could ever love anyone.’ Ross replied. He looked over at the sleeping Henry. ‘As much as you love her.’

‘Then that would be an awful lot.’ Janet said.

Ross left them downstairs and went to find Jim standing leaning against the car and smoking while he looked up at the stars.

‘Hey.’ he said when he saw Ross. ‘You all done?’

‘Yeah.’ Ross said. He came over and stole the cigarette from Jim’s mouth. He inhaled and handed it back. ‘You ready for bed?’

‘No.’ Jim replied. ‘I’m not.’ He chucked the butt and straightened up and held put one hand. ‘Come on, Doc.’

‘Where are we going?’ Ross asked and took the offered hand. Jim just gave him a mysterious smile and led him into the darkness. Ross followed him, not particularly surprised when they walked right past the bungalow and headed down towards the beach. He knew that this was where Jim always gravitated to.

They go through the boulders and onto the sand. The beach was completely different at night, the sand turned silver. The water was black, the froth a sharp contrast. They walked along the beach for a while, until Jim pulled his hand away. Ross stopped to look back at why he’d stopped walking and saw Jim unbuttoning his shirt.

‘What are you doing?’ he asked, chuckling.

‘What does it look like I’m doing, Doc.’ Jim was grinning. ‘I’m goin’ swimming.’ He chucked his shirt onto the sand and stood on one foot after the other as he pulled his Keds off. Ross watched him, laughing.

‘You’re nuts.’ he said. ‘You can’t go in the water with that.’ He gestured at the tattoo.

‘Salt water’s good for healin’.’ Jim said. He now had his jeans undone and was wriggling out of them. He stood back up, now naked, and chucked them and his boxers at Ross. ‘Come on, Doc. Last one in’s a loser.’ He started walking towards the water. ‘Besides, you ain’t fucking me on the sand.’ That got Ross’ attention and he started stripping off his clothes. The water was a little chilly when he walked into it, especially when he got to balls level, but it was worth it when he was finally in and striking out to where Jim was treading water. He moved to Ross, arms around his neck and Ross carried their weight.

‘Looks like I caught myself a mermaid.’ he said and Jim snorted with laughter.

‘Merman.’ he corrected and now his legs were around Ross’ hips, ankles locking at the small of his back. ‘You ever fucked in the sea, Doc?’

‘No.’ Ross laughed. ‘But I have the distinct impression I’m about to.’

‘Maybe.’ Jim kissed him. ‘If you play your cards right.’ Then he dived right back in, and before Ross could even think Jim’s tongue was in his mouth and his hand was around his cock.

‘I am worried about the logistics of this.’ Ross said when Jim let him come up for air, his breathing already speeding up.

‘Don’t be.’ Jim was licking at his ear. ‘It’ll work, trust me.’ He kissed Ross’ shoulder and chanced a small bite.

‘Okay.’ Ross was now lost in the way Jim’s hand felt and then Jim shifted in his arms and his hand became more determined in its movements and then Ross was inside him. He breathed in deeply and Jim bought his hand back up and placed it to his face, thumb tracing over his mouth.

‘All good to go, Doc.’ he breathed into Ross’ mouth. ‘Now get to it.’

It turned out to be a little easier than Ross had expected, the weight of Jim’s body mitigated by the water, and when they finally made it to the sand it was simply a case of not very gracefully falling over and letting Jim ride the fuck out of him while the waves crashed over them both. It got very noisy and by the time Jim finally came, Ross was convinced that they’d probably woken up everyone in a ten mile radius and said as much to him. Jim just laughed and kissed him, tipping them both over into the water.

‘You think we’ll ever have it this good again?’ he asked and Ross pushed his hair out of his eyes.

‘I hope so.’ he said. ‘I’d like to think I’ll make you even happier when we get through all this shit and get back home.’ He leaned up, kissing Jim once. ‘If you’ll let me. We don’t even have to stay in Masschusetts. I think right now I’d follow you anywhere you wanted to go. Janet even said we could come back here.’

‘If you wanted that, we could.’ Jim replied. ‘Christ knows what I’d do out here.’

‘Write.’ Ross replied. ‘We’ll get you one of those portable typewriters.’ That made Jim laugh and he leaned in kissed him.

‘In that case, sign me up.’ he replied.

They disentangled themselves and retrieved their clothes and made their final walk up from the beach. Ross noticed the wistful look Jim threw back at the waves and took his hand.

‘We can come back.’ he said and Jim nodded. Ross couldn’t help but notice though that he was already starting to pack himself back up and that carefully neutral look he’d perfected starting to show itself again, and he hated everything in that moment that meant Jim had to do that, had to put his mask back on. When they got to the bungalow, neither of them wanted to sleep. Instead they got into bed and lay looking at each other in the light of the hurricane lamp.

‘This is going to be hard.’ Ross whispered. ‘Going back and not being with you.’

‘I know.’ Jim replied and his eyes were impossibly sad. ‘But we can’t give anything away.’

‘I hate this.’ Ross moved in closer. ‘I don’t want this to stop.’

‘It won’t stop, Ross.’ Jim lifted his hand, and the gentle fingers were back, running down the line of his scar. ‘You just gotta promise me your dumb ass ain’t gonna do anything stupid again.’

‘I will if you will.’ Ross could hear the shake in his voice.

‘You know I can’t promise that.’ Jim replied. ‘I’m signed up for it. You’re not. No more unsafe MEDCAP. Promise me.’

‘No.’ Ross replied. ‘You can’t ask me to not go out there where I’m needed. Just like you’d never turn down a pick up.’

‘You’re such a stubborn asshole.’ Jim nosed softly at him. ‘Fine. I’ll try to not get my ass shot off and you do the same.’

‘Deal.’ Ross said and kissed him. There was no heat in it, just love and the desire to hang on as hard as he could. Jim kissed him back and they kept kissing until they finally went to sleep. Neither of them slept well though and neither of them strayed far from the other.

Jim woke first, already kicking back into a regime that he’d been in for over a year. He got up and moved as if on autopilot, going outside to shower and then shave, looking in the small mirror from the bedroom that he propped over the sink. Ross came out while he was busy and did the same. They didn’t speak at all, not wanting to burst the bubble until they absolutely had to.

Janet had let them wash their uniforms up at the house. They went into the bedroom and took them down from the rail and started getting dressed, both of them going through the motions as if asleep. By the time they were dressed, both of them had changed inside as well as out and they both knew it.

Ross packed his bag, watching Jim out of the corner of his eye. Jim was immaculately dressed, now standing and putting his watch on. What hurt so much was the fact that he looked so good in his uniform, a symbol of everything that would come between them. He glanced up at Ross and their eyes met, then he looked away and Ross did as well, feeling tears threatening and knowing he couldn’t be the first to break.

He finished packing his bag and turned to see that Jim putting his last few things in his – his journal, the block of wax that smelt like coconut and finally the puka shell necklace that had stayed around his neck the whole time expect when they were fucking. Then he zipped it up and picked it up, walking past Ross without looking at him. Ross waited until he was just past him before his feelings overwhelmed him and he reached out, catching Jim by the arm and stopping him. Jim froze, dropping the bag, and the tension between them made Ross’ hands shake. He wanted to scream, wanted to grab Jim and run away with him so far that no-one would ever find them. Instead all that came out was a whisper.

‘Jim…’ His voice was pleading.

‘Don’t.’ Jim sounded like he was about to cry. ‘Please Ross, don’t say anything.’ He wasn’t looking at him and Ross knew that if he did they would both be lost.

‘We could stay here. They wouldn’t find us.’ He was grasping at any straw that he could find.

‘You know what would happen if we went AWOL.’ Jim said and now he sounded resigned, almost like he’d aged overnight. ‘We have to go back.’ He finally looked up, his light eyes too shiny, giving him away.

‘I love you.’ Ross said. Jim’s face fell a little and then he was in Ross’ arms, one hand in Ross’ hair and the other pressed over Ross’ heart. Ross held onto him, arm around Jim’s neck and the other at his waist, gripping his shirt like it was a life-preserver. Jim pressed his face against his, and they breathed each other’s air until it all spilled over and they were kissing frantically, desperation making it messy and un-coordinated. Jim’s tooth caught Ross’ lip and he tasted copper and didn’t care, just held on tighter and bit back until they were both panting and so wound up it felt like the smallest thing would ignite everything between them and blow them both to hell.

Jim finally broke from him and Ross caught a glimpse of the single tear tracks that lined his face before he pulled away completely and picked up his bag, walking out the room without looking back. He stood there, his heart aching as he fought back his own tears and failed. It hurt worse than anything he’d ever felt. He expelled a harsh breath and swiped at his eyes, clearing the blurriness.

‘Ross.’ Jim’s voice was completely flat. ‘You comin’?’

‘Yeah.’ he replied and picked up his bag.

**********

They had breakfast and said goodbye to Henry and then took the drive to the airport. Jim said nothing the whole way, the faraway look in his eyes telling Ross that he’d lost him already. Janet had picked up on the terseness between them and was quiet as she drove. Ross was immensely grateful and he sat and watched Jim in the wing mirror.

They arrived and got out the car. Janet walked them in and they said goodbye, hugging her in turn before they left her to go through customs. She waved goodbye and they waved back, still no words between them. The official stamped their passports and they were on their way. The heat was climbing already as they walked out to the plane, climbing the steps with heavy feet and going to their assigned seats with nothing but a polite thank you for the stewardess.

They settled into their seats and Ross was thankful to see that they at least had some privacy. The three rows in front of them were empty and he watched the stewardess walking away from them. He was about to turn and say something when he felt Jim’s hand take his, squeezing hard. Ross kept his eyes straight and squeezed back. Once the plane had taken off, he felt Jim relax a little and then heard him sigh.

‘Six hours.’ he said. ‘Six hours and we pretend none of this happened.’ His words made a little rebellious fire light up inside Ross.

‘No.’ he said. ‘We don’t. We keep it hidden, but we never ever deny what’s between us. Not to each other.’ He looked at Jim and saw from the surprise on Jim’s face that his expression was obviously matching his mood. ‘I don’t care what we have to do, how much we have to sneak around. This is one thing I am not willing to give up.’ It was like someone had thrown a glass of water in Jim’s face. Then a look of such desperate hope crossed his face, gone before Ross could even be sure of what he had seen.

‘You’re serious about this?’ he asked. ‘You ain’t gonna flake on me?’

‘No.’ Ross said. ‘I’m not. But that means you can’t flake on me either.’

‘I can do that.’ Jim replied, his eyes now lighting up. ‘Not flake on you, I mean.’

‘Good.’ Ross said.

**********

The flights seemed longer on the way back and when they landed in Da Nang it was getting on for five o’clock. They were going back on the same bird and it came half an hour later, once they had done their official check-in. They had both switched back into military mode and took their bags out to the slick that was waiting for them on the strip. Jim ushered Ross in first and Ross could see that his alertness was back in full force. He was watchful of the pilot, tracking the way the man did his flight check and take-off.

‘Stop it.’ he whispered and Jim gave him a look.

‘Stop what?’ he hissed back and Ross grinned, in spite of the situation.

‘Judging.’ His smile grew as Jim glared at him.

‘Fine.’ He folded his arms and settled into his jump seat. ‘Wake me when we get there.’

They took off, the vibration of the bird like a familiar lullaby to Jim who seemed to pass out the moment they hit a 1000 feet. Ross sighed and looked out the window.

‘Man, this place smells like shit.’ This was from a soldier next opposite him. ‘Goddamn ‘Nam.’ He took a cigarette pack out his pocket and offered one to Ross. Ross thanked him and took it and the soldier lit it for him. He inhaled and then nodded at Ross’ shirt. ‘You with the 91st, Doc?’

‘Yeah.’ Ross replied. ‘R & E.’

‘Cool.’ The soldier nodded at Jim. ‘How ‘bout your friend?’

‘Dustoff.’ Ross replied.

‘Yeah?’ The soldier looked impressed. ‘I hear they’re some crazy motherfuckers.’

‘They certainly are.’ Ross replied. ‘You Marine Corps?’

‘Semper Fi, brother.’ The soldier grinned. ‘Goin’ back in the jungle tomorrow.’

‘You been on R & R?’ Ross asked and the soldier shook his head.

‘Nah, been Stateside.’ He inhaled deeply on his cigarette.

‘How was it?’ Ross asked. He looked at the man’s name badge, which read Jones. He fled it away for future reference. Sooner or later, the man would probably end up in his triage and he wanted to be sure to remember him. It helped when he did. They chatted about small things and shared more smokes until Ross looked out the window and saw the familiar curve of beach and the bluff beyond. He turned and shook Jim’s arm gently.

‘Hey, we’re here.’ he murmured and Jim slowly woke up. He saw Ross and the familiar warm look in his eyes was there, but then he realised where they were and it faded. He sat up, straightening himself up. They came down on the far side of the strip and got out. Jones gave Ross a jaunty salute and headed off, jogging with his duffle slung across his back.

‘Captain Poldark?’ It was a W/O. ‘Do you need a ride up to the 91st, sir?’

‘Only if we can give this loser a lift as well.’ Ross said and Jim laughed and gave him the finger.

The jeep dropped Jim off and Ross leaned over the side.

‘So I’ll see you around, Hawk.’ he said. Jim’s eyes were guarded, but Ross could read him so clearly now he knew that this was just Jim’s defence mechanism kicking in.

‘Not if I see you first, Doc.’ he said and then banged the side of the jeep once and started jogging off in the direction of the hooches. Even as he went, Ross could hear the siren going off and saw a bird take off into the air only moments later.

‘Back to work, I guess.’ he said and the soldier driving the jeep huffed a laugh next to him.

‘It never lasts, sir. .’ he said. ‘None of it.

************

Jim got to the edge of the revetments. He scanned for Susie Q and saw she was there, obviously scheduled in for an off rotation. He ran past the Ops Shack and considered dropping in to say hello but then reconsidered. He wasn’t really in the mood to talk to anyone, still working on making himself look cool while he was breaking up inside.

He walked down the line of hooches, his head down and his chest aching as he struggled to keep it all in. He knew the others would be worried if he showed up looking heartbroken, and he didn’t want that. He also needed to pull himself together, especially if he was back in rotation the next day which was probably the case. The lights were off when he got there, and Jim frowned. The hooch was usually a hive of activity, but when he climbed the stairs and went inside he saw that it was empty. The coTs were all in place and everything seemed the same, but his crew was missing.

Jim went to his cot and dumped his bag and put his garrison cap back in his locker, then went back outside. He stopped briefly to light a cigarette and headed for the club. When he got there, he heard music and went inside. He found a bunch of people scattered around, 51 and 68 among them. LJ spotted him and nudged Flint who looked up, then said something to Benny. They exchanged words and LJ came over. He slung an arm around Jim’s shoulders.

‘Let’s take a walk, James.’ he said and Jim gave him a look.

‘What the fuck’s going on?’ he asked and LJ’s dark eyes were sad.

‘Outside.’ he said. They left the hooch and walked a few steps. Jim looked at LJ, the fear tightening in his chest.

‘Who got zapped?’ he asked and LJ lit a cigarette. He inhaled deeply before answering.

’The cherries.’ he replied.

‘Fuck.’ Jim stepped back, running one hand through his hair. ‘All of 'em?’

‘Whole goddam bird.’ LJ said.

‘Christ.’ Jim felt sick to his stomach. ‘They were just fucking babies.’ He looked at LJ. ‘What the fuck happened?’

‘They were doin’ a civvie pick up.’ LJ said. ‘Some little girl ran up and chucked a grenade in the bird. Smoked the entire thing. Whole sorry episode went down two days after you left.’

‘Motherfucker.’ Jim shook his head. ‘Fuck this goddamn son of a bitch war.’

‘You said it.’ LJ replied. He looked Jim over. ‘You look good, Jim. Love suits you.’

‘Fuck.’ Jim sighed heavily. ‘That’s another goddamn bitch of a situation.’

‘Well, stick it back in your shorts.’ LJ said. ‘Brady’s got us on first tomorrow.’ He clapped a hand on Jim’s shoulder. ‘Welcome back, short-stack. Now let’s go get a goddamn drink.’

**********

Ross thanked the driver as he hopped out the jeep and then headed for the line of white buildings. He didn’t stop at his own, seeing the lights out and knowing that Dwight was probably on rotation. Demelza’s door was open though and he stuck his head in, putting on a bright smile and trying his best to look happy as Patsy Cline wailed in his ears and basically put everything he was feeling into words.

‘Anyone home?’ he called and there was an ear-splitting squeal and then next instant his arms were full of a midnight-blue kimono clad Demelza, trying her level best to deafen him.

‘You’re back.’ She tugged him into the hooch. ‘I want to know everything.’ She shut the door behind him and then turned around and stopped dead. Her face dropped. ‘Oh…honey, I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be.’ Ross could feel the façade cracking even as he stood there. ‘It’s more than most people get, right?’

‘Yeah.’ Demelza said, her face a picture of sympathy. ‘But it doesn’t stop it from hurting.’ She came over and wrapped her arms around him. ‘You gonna be okay?’

‘No.’ Ross muttered into her shoulder. ‘All it goddamn did was show me I can’t live without the little asshole.’

‘Fuck.’ Demelza pulled back from him. ‘Well, you could have had a worse week.’ Her mouth quirked. ‘Warleggan got shipped home.’

‘Jesus.’ Ross looked at her. ‘They get him on a psych?’

‘No.’ Demelza raised an eyebrow. ‘On an 89. He got caught blowing a marine down on the beach, and the marine totally rolled over on him although to be honest he got caught red-handed by the MPs so it’s not like he stood a chance. Anderson tried to save his ass, but that little incident with you and Clayton hadn’t exactly bought him any goodwill.’

‘Holy shit.’ Ross went and sat on her cot. Demelza came and sat beside him. ‘I go away for a week and all hell breaks loose?’

‘Explains why he was so hot on pinning you.’ she said. ‘To be honest I’m surprised he didn’t give them your name.’

‘That is weird.’ Ross said. ‘Hell, maybe he’s got a conscience after all.’ He sighed. ‘Clayton?’

‘Released last week.’ Demelza said with a smile. ‘He’s gonna be fine.’ She nudged him with her elbow. ‘Now spill. I want all the salacious details.’ Ross smiled, in spite of his unhappiness.

‘We’ll need liquor for this.’ he said.

‘That I can provide.’ Demelza got up and rummaged in her locker before coming out with a bottle of Jim Beam and a couple of shot glasses. She handed them to Ross and cracked the bottle, topping the glasses to almost overflowing. She put the bottle down and clinked hers against his. ‘Here’s to your ass coming back and saving me from a life of tedium, and here’s to having the dumb fuck luck to be in love with a couple of Dustoffs.’

‘A-fucking-men.’ Ross said and they downed their shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Crazy by Patsy Cline.


	15. (What A) Wonderful World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks and things are back to normal, for a given value of normal.

Two weeks. That was how long it took Ross to come back to himself. The first week had been the worst, and he’d pined so badly it had been a physical ache in his chest. Then it had started to fade around the edges, tempered by the fact that now he knew where he stood, where Jim stood. There were still days when he woke up and missed that feeling of Jim in the bed next to him, but they were easier to deal with. He knew that Jim had been better equipped to cope with it all, but it didn’t stop them from seeking each other out. The few moments they had together were well earned and Ross prized them above everything else.

He stood up from the bed pulling his pants up before he re-did them and snapped his belt closed, then bent to retrieve his discarded t-shirt from the floor of the hooch. On the other side of the bed, Jim was doing the same. This was mostly how they did things now, quick and dirty and full of the need that filled them both most days. Today had given them only a half an hour of time alone before they both had to go on evening rotation, and they had spent it on Ross’ bed, half clothed and lost in the passion that caught them and made them into animals. It was like that every time they could come together, both of them giving into the need that had rocked their very foundations during that week in Bali. Dwight had given them a wide berth, knowing that when Jim showed up at the door of their hooch it wasn’t to talk or play cards. In a way, Ross was immensely grateful he now knew. It had been more exhausting pretending than he’d realised. He moved to the table, picking up his cigarettes and shaking two out, lighting them and passing one across to Jim, who now had his own t-shirt in his hands.

‘Leave it.’ he said and stuck his cigarette in his mouth as he came over, taking Jim’s arm and inspecting the tattoo. Jim watched him, clearly amused by his scrutiny and the brusque way Ross was touching him and in complete contrast to the way he’d been touching him not ten minutes earlier. He inhaled and then looked down at where the black bands and design stood out starkly against his tanned skin.

‘So Doc, will I live?’ he asked and Ross snorted with laughter and their eyes met, heat flaring between them in spite of the fact that they had already worked out their frustrations on each other. He let go of Jim’s arm and instead caught him around the waist and hauled him in. Jim laughed and let Ross kiss him, shoving him away after a few moments and handing his cigarette over so he could put his shirt on. He took the cigarette back and then looked at his watch.

‘Shit, I gotta go.’ he said. ‘Rotation starts in an hour.’

‘Better haul ass then.’ Ross replied and Jim smiled at him, dimples deep. They smiled a lot now, in spite of the fact that the past two weeks had seen the 91st knee deep in casualties and blood. It was like they were partially insulated from the horror, their love keeping it a little at bay. ‘You wouldn’t want to be late and have to spend the whole rotation with cum leaking out of your ass.’

‘I wouldn’t have to if you’d pull out.’ Jim laughed and Ross laughed with him. They both knew they got off on it too much to stop doing it. He went to grab his shirt from the back of the chair and pulled it on, buttoning it up. ‘You doing anything tomorrow?’

‘I get off at eight, so I’ll probably most of the day away.’ Ross replied. ‘You?’

‘Brady’s got me flying some civvie before rotation starts.’ Jim said. ‘I won’t see you until later.’

‘That’s fucked up. I was kind of hoping to see you in the morning.’ Ross went to him, taking over and doing up the last few buttons. ‘There, now you’re presentable.’

‘Thanks baby.’ Jim said and they grinned at each other. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow night though, that’s the important bit.’

‘Good.’ Ross stepped in a little closer. ‘I’ll miss you.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim’s voice had dropped a little, the huskiness in it making Ross’ heart beat faster. ‘How much are you gonna miss me, Doc?’

‘I’ll show you when I see you.’ he replied and Jim smirked at him and then hauled him down into a final kiss. It was messy, just like the ones that had preceded it and Ross knew he was smiling like an idiot when they separated. Fortunately Jim was too, his dimples deep.

‘I love you.’ he said, the words coming so easily to them both now.

‘I love you too.’ Ross replied. ‘But you better go before I throw you on that bed again.’

‘Done.’ Jim replied and then he was gone, heading out the door and leaving a little hole inside Ross’ heart just like he always did.

Ross went to the door and watched him go, heading back inside when Jim disappeared around the corner. He cleaned up a little, stashing the lube back in his locker and turning his sleeping bag over to hide the stains on it that remained after he’d wiped it down. He’d take a wet cloth to it a little later, but right now he was starving and he needed to eat. He’d been off that shift, but it was days from the next morning. He did have plans though. He and Dwight were heading down to the USO to get a burger and talk about a pressing matter.

It was about an hour later that Dwight returned. He stuck his head in the door to check the coast was clear and then came in. Ross watched him from his position on the bed, amused by the way Dwight almost unconsciously avoided his eyes for at least a few minutes afterwards. He knew what they did when he was gone and Ross knew that sometimes it freaked him out.

‘Jim gone?’ he finally asked and Ross hummed assent, still focusing on the letter from Verity he was reading. It had arrived about twenty minutes before with his birthday present. Verity had gotten the idea now and so he had another ten rolls of film, Shick razor blades, a selection of condiments and a few bags of popcorn. The best thing though was what he’d asked for on behalf of some of the others.

There were two box end wrenches of different sizes for Flint, another copy of Flint’s ER medicine for Benny, a box of highly contraband Montecristos for LJ, some of the same cologne for Dwight and two bottles of perfume for Demelza and Caroline. But it was the last item that had him smiling the most. It was two paperbacks, both volumes of the Earthsea Cycle by Ursula LeGuin. Jim had been complaining that he’d missed the publication while he was in Vietnam, and hadn’t wanted to bother Rob by asking him to travel all the way into a decent sized town to try and hunt them down. Ross had had no such problems and Verity had been more than happy to loiter around several bookshelves until she had located them.

‘He’s on rotation tonight.’ he replied and then lowered the piece of paper. ‘What time do you want to go down to the USO?’

‘Whenever.’ Dwight seemed to be debating internally about something and Ross grinned.

‘Spit it out.’ he said. ‘Before it makes you go cross-eyed.’

‘Shit.’ Dwight came to sit on his bed. ‘You’re going to think I am nuts for asking this.’

‘No.’ Ross sat up to face him, legs swinging off the edge of the bed. ‘I won’t. What is it?’

‘Doesn’t it worry you?’ Dwight said. ‘What could happen to him out there? Hell, I worry about Caro and she’s right here in the 91st.’

‘It does worry me, of course.’ Ross replied. ‘But he’s just like any other soldier here. He has a job to do. I hold on to the fact that he’s at the top of his game and hope that’s enough.’

‘I couldn’t do it.’ Dwight said. ‘If it was me in your place, it would drive me crazy.’

‘Some days it does.’ Ross replied. ‘But you learn to deal with it.’ He sat up. ‘Hey, I got something for you.’ He leaned over to the box and dug out the aftershave, chucking it at Dwight. ‘I got you something.’

‘Thank you.’ Dwight looked delighted, then grinned. ‘Let’s hope we don’t get stuck in a dark room, and they have to decide who’s who by smell.’ He put the bottle on the shelf above his bed. ‘So tomorrow night?’

‘What about it?’ Ross asked.

‘Well, it’s your birthday.’ Dwight said. ‘This party we’re invited to? Who’s it going to be?’

‘You, Caro, Dem and the crew.’ Ross replied. ‘They’re kicking everyone out the club for the night, apparently.’

‘And no-one’s suspicious about that?’ Dwight asked and Ross shrugged.

‘The other crews are all on rotation.’ he replied. ‘They still haven’t replaced the cherries yet.’ It was a stain on an otherwise perfect plan, but Ross had learned better than to dwell on these things. ‘So it’s just going to be us.’ He was excited if he was telling the truth. The idea of a night where he could just kick back and drink and not have to really watch himself around Jim or the others was bliss to his deprived sensibilities.

They got dressed and headed out, hitching a ride down the hill and jumping off at the USO. They went inside and found a table and ordered their food. Ross sat back and lit a cigarette, blowing smoke out and looking at Dwight who was uncharacteristically twitchy.

‘So what’s all this about?’ he asked and Dwight shrugged. Then he dug in a pocket of his fatigues and bought out a small black velvet box.

‘Christ.’ Ross was grinning. He stuck his cigarette in his mouth and picked it up, opening it and looking at the ring inside. It was considerably larger than the one Flint had gifted Demelza with and Ross would have bet a week’s pay that it had been bought on credit. ‘When are you going to ask her?’

‘On R & R.’ Dwight said. ‘We got given Hawaii.’

‘Fuck.’ Ross said looking at him. ‘That’s great.’ He didn’t mention that Flint and Demelza had had their request turned down. It wasn’t a surprise, taking Flint’s background into account but it still burned that all Dwight and Caro had had to do was flash a couple of smiles and it had been given as easily as breathing.

‘I hope so.’ Dwight replied. ‘I’ve got us a room at this place on Oahu, real romantic.’ He grinned. ‘You think she’ll say yes?’

‘I know she’ll say yes.’ Ross replied, chuckling. ‘Christ it’s like wedding fever has hit the whole goddamn camp.’ He noticed that Dwight was now looking at him strangely. ‘What?’  
‘I just…’ Dwight looked away. ‘Now I feel like kind of a heel.’

‘Why?’ Ross was lost. He sipped his beer and then brightened as he saw the USO girl coming with their food. Dwight waited until she had put their plates down and then shrugged.

‘Because of…you know.’ He looked around and then leaned in, lowering his voice. ‘The thing.’ That made Ross laugh so hard he nearly snorted his beer. Dwight looked appalled at himself.

‘The thing?’ Ross managed to get out. ‘Fuck, it’s not a fucking disease Dwight.’

‘I know that.’ Dwight hissed. ‘It’s just all the wedding talk and you’ll…’

‘I know.’ Ross sat back in his seat and sighed. ‘I know and I’ve accepted it.’

‘I’m sorry. For what it’s worth.’ Dwight said.

‘Thanks Dwight.’ Ross replied. ‘And for what it’s worth, I am really happy for what you and Caro have. It’s good to see.’

They ate in silence and the lit up again once they were done, falling into their comfortable small talk.

‘So only six more months.’ Dwight said. ‘You got a plan for when you’re done?’

‘Going back to Boston.’ Ross replied. ‘I’ve put in to do the last six months at Lovell at Fort Devens and then it’s back to civvie street for me.’ He inhaled and exhaled the smoke in a lazy plume. ‘I’ve asked Anderson to give me some names, going to pull some strings and get Benny in there afterwards. I’ve already spoke to my old supervising MD at Massachusetts General and he’s said he’ll have a look at him and maybe try and get him into the residency programme.’

‘Damn.’ Dwight was smiling. ‘That’s good.’

‘Yeah.’ Ross said. ‘I’m hoping it all goes smoothly. I’ve written a letter of recommendation and Anderson is going to as well. Benny’s record kind of speaks for itself though.’ He lifted his head automatically as the sound of a bird went over and Dwight smiled at him.

‘Come on.’ he said. ‘Let’s get back.

The R & E was busy when they went on shift, doing their handover and rounds with the outgoing staff. Clayton was working with Ross in triage and they fell into a steady rhythm together. The night wasn’t particularly busy, the usual catalogue of combat related injuries surprisingly absent although a bird had come in with troops that had burns from a tent that had gone up in flames.

Ross treated them and chatted to the men, a group of marines from up country. AS he did, he heard the radio go and watched Dwight go to answer it. He came back with a look on his face that screamed trouble.

‘We got another one coming in.’ he said. ‘Shit’s going to hit the fan tonight.’

‘Christ.’ Ross got up and handed off the last soldier he’d been working on to Clayton. ‘Just when I was looking forward to a quiet evening in.’ Dwight laughed, but it was stretched and humourless.

‘No rest for the wicked.’ he said and clapped Ross on the shoulder. ‘And I think that covers pretty much all of us.’

**********

Jim banked the bird away from Chu Lai and listened to LJ on the call from 68. They were both flying, but a couple of earlier calls had them in different sectors.

‘Shit, that sounds hairy.’ LJ said and Callaghan chuckled.

‘Hairier than my balls.’ he replied. ‘But we’re closest so I called it in to Nine-One. Brady’s cleared it so you’ll have to pick up the slack.’

Jim looked over at LJ and got a nod. 68 had been en-route to another pick up, but this one was urgent so they were deviating. 51 was just coming back inland from a drop off of an extremely inflamed appendix on the USS Sanctuary, but instead of heading back into base, they were now turning up towards Da Nang way. The call that 68 had been heading for was only a couple of routine injuries, small arms fire that was not life threatening. The patrol in question had come across a nest and cleaned it out but a couple of guys had taken shots in the arms and shoulders. The VC hiding there had been young and relatively inexperienced by the sound of things and they been taken by surprise.

They flew out on a northerly heading, the dark sky clear and starlit. The lights from the instruments bathed the cockpit in a soothing glow that could be dangerous is a pilot was fatigued, but Jim was still buzzing from his encounter with Ross that afternoon and he was alert and focused. He flew just above the treeline, keeping his landing lights of and relying on his instruments as he’d been taught.

‘So what’s the call?’ Flint asked over the com. ‘It must be pretty serious for them to deviate.’

‘Whole platoon got stuck between to flanks of VC.’ LJ replied. ‘They have them pinned down with mortar fire.’

‘Fuck.’ Flint said. ‘That’s some serious shit.’

‘I know.’ LJ shook his head. ‘Glad it’s not our asses on the line for that one.’

‘RJ’s cool.’ Jim said. ‘He’s a dippy bastard at the best of times, but he’s a good pilot.’

‘Yeah but that doesn’t stop me from bein’ glad I’m in your bird, short stack.’ LJ replied.

‘Yeah.’ Flint added. ‘I ain’t sayin’ that the guy they sent to cover you was bad, but he sure couldn’t handle a bird like you do.’

‘Good to know I was missed.’ Jim couldn’t resist a grin. He checked his heading and adjusted his direction a couple of degrees.

‘So tomorrow.’ LJ said. ‘We got the kitchen to do us a solid.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim said, keeping his eyes on the panel.

‘Got him a proper birthday cake.’ LJ sounded very pleased with himself. ‘Think the Doc’s gonna like it.’ Jim smiled, warmth spreading in his chest at how his crew held Ross in the same light as they held Angie and Demelza. It had made such a huge difference to him when he’d just got back. That first week had been the hardest one he’d ever had, even harder than on his first tour and coming back after he’d gone home to see Rob. He’d been downright miserable, not sleeping properly and irritable as the happy hormones had worn off. But they’d bullied him out of his cot for every shift and made him laugh with their awful jokes and impressions of the guy that had replaced him while he was on leave.

‘I think that anything you guys do will be great.’ he said. ‘But I appreciate what you are doin’.’

‘We know.’ LJ said, smiling at him. ‘Quite frankly, we’re just happy that you’re happy.’

‘Shit.’ Jim laughed. ‘This whole bird sounds like a goddamn hippy trip. You sure you boys ain’t been at the acid while I was gone?’ LJ and Flint laughed and then Jim realised that the great booming bark that passed as Benny’s laugh was missing. ‘Hey, is Benny still alive back there?’ That got a snicker from Flint but no answer. Jim looked at LJ in question and got a shrug.

‘You know you gotta ask him, Ben.’ Flint said and now Jim was intrigued. ‘He’ll help.’

‘Fuck.’ Benny’s voice was flat over the comm. ‘I can’t fucking believe this.’

‘Ask who what?’ Jim said. He’d noticed that Benny had been a bit quiet over the past few days but had put it down to moods. There was a thump as Flint obviously kicked Benny in the foot, a time honoured method of getting him to speak when he didn’t want to.

‘Ask him.’ He was insistent. ‘It’s that or the rollcall.’

‘Shit.’ Benny was sullen. ‘That’ll go on my goddamn record.’

‘Exactly.’ Flint replied. ‘Now ask.’

‘Okay, I’m kinda getting old listening to this.’ Jim said. ‘Will one of you tell me what the hell you’re talking about?’ There was silence and he just knew there was a glaring contest going on in the back. ‘Spit it out, you two.’

‘Okay.’ Flint said. ‘So you and the Doc…’

‘Jesus Christ.’ Jim said. ‘This ain’t about who sucks whose cock again, is it?’

‘Not quite.’ Flint said. ‘Look, if you asked him to do something he’d keep quiet about it, wouldn’t he?’

‘Okay, I’ll bite.’ Jim said. ‘Whose dick is falling off?’

‘That would be mine.’ Benny huffed.

‘Shit.’ LJ was trying very unsuccessfully to stifle his laughter.

‘For fuck’s sake, Benny.’ Jim said. ‘You been down to the boom-boom girls?’

‘Just a few times.’ Benny sounded a touch whiny. ‘Kellerman said…’

‘Kellerman’s a dog that’ll fuck anything with a pussy.’ Jim said. ‘Christ, I thought you had more sense than that.’

‘I do.’ Benny protested. ‘She said she was clean.’

‘Yeah.’ Flint snorted. ‘That’s what rubbers are for, man.’

‘So that’s what you wanna ask?’ Jim said. ‘You even know what it is?’

‘No.’ Benny had gone from snappish to morose. ‘But it don’t look good.’

‘Okay.’ Jim sighed. ‘We’ll head up tomorrow, get Ross to have a look at it.’

‘Really?’ The relief in Benny’s voice was palpable. ‘You think he can fix it.’

‘You better hope so, or it probably will fall off.’ Jim replied. ‘But there’s a catch. I don’t wanna hear about this happening again. You go down there, you wear a rubber like Flint said. You got me?’

‘I got you.’ Benny muttered.

‘Good.’ Jim shook his head. ‘Fuck. This is my life.’

‘It’s a good one.’ LJ chuckled. ‘It’s got us in it to make sure you don’t get bored and it’s got the Doc in it to suck your dick.’

‘Shut up.’ Jim hissed, but he felt pleased when he heard Benny join in the laughter.

‘Five-One, this is Control, over.’ Ortiz’s voice came thought the radio and LJ answered the call.

‘Control, this is Five-One. Go ahead, over.’ he replied and Jim listened with one ear.

‘Motor City, we have a bird down.’ Ortiz sounded neutral as he always did, but those words made Jim’s blood run cold.

‘Copy that.’ LJ said. ‘You got a number on that bird.’

‘Bird is Six Eight, over.’ Ortiz said and now they all went still.

‘You have a confirmation on casualties, over?’ LJ asked and they all held their breath.

‘No.’ Ortiz replied. ‘They were taking heavy fire and crashed. We lost contact with them, over.’

‘Oh God.’ LJ had his head down. Jim couldn’t look at him, just took over the call.

‘Control this is West Coast. I need a heading, over.’ he said and he could hear the relief in Ortiz’s voice.

‘It’s 195 due south, West Coast.’ Ortiz said, then gave them a set of coordinates. ‘I’ve got 81 getting in the air now, but you’re already up and we need you to head in ASAP, over.’

‘Roger that.’ Jim turned Susie around, banking steeply to bring her onto her new heading as LJ grabbed his charts. ‘We’re on our way.’

‘Shit.’ Flint sounded shells-shocked.

‘It’s a crash.’ LJ said. ‘And we know nothin’. Could be they made it out.’

‘What are the goddamn odds?’ Flint’s voice was hard, his anger bubbling underneath.

‘What’s our ETA?’ Jim asked and LJ frowned.

‘About thirty minutes, give or take.’ he said. ‘Ground there’s a bit hairy. Lots of ridges.’

‘And it’s hot.’ Jim muttered. ‘Fuck.’

‘Gotta be careful goin’ in.’ LJ was as calm as always. ‘Just keep it cool.’

Jim listened as he got back on the radio to Ortiz, asking after the patrol that 68 had been headed to.

‘We’ve had nothing from them since 68 went down.’ Ortiz replied. ‘Ain’t got nothing for Callaghan either, so we’re not sure of the situation. There’s hostiles and they last reported eight casualties, but that was about forty minutes ago.’

Jim kept Susie level as their flight path bought them over a series of small hills that looked a bit like waves rippling across the earth. He kept her at a low altitude, just skimming the tree tops so they wouldn’t be silhouette against the sky, which would make them an easy target. They were on radio silence now, hoping to avoid being tracked by the VC , who monitored the frequency regularly.

They approached the LZ and even thought they still were five minutes out in terms of flight time, Jim cut the instrument lights as well, so they were flying in darkness. Now the white contrails of artillery fire were clearly visible, standing out against the night sky like distress signals. He gritted his teeth to keep in the frustration he was feeling. The last thing he wanted was to rattle his crew.

‘Jesus.’ Flint’s voice was low over the intercom. He was behind LJ and looking out the side window of the bird. It’s thick down there. Ain’t no way we’re getting’ in. We’re gonna have to use the penetrator’

‘I agree.’ LJ was peering down through the greenhouse. ‘Shit, getting in there is goin’ to be tricky.’

‘I think goddamn nightmare might be a better description.’ All Jim could see below them was blackness. I don’t know how the hell we’re gonna find anyone.’

The radio crackled and then they all jumped out of their skins as Callaghan’s booming voice came through.

‘Five One come in, over.’ He sounded remarkably cheerful for someone who was rumoured to have crashed out the sky. LJ grabbed the receiver and answered.

‘It’s helluva good to hear your voice Six Eight, over.’ He was relieved, Jim could hear it in his voice.

‘Jesus Christ.’ Callaghan said. ‘The next time I’m thinking about skipping service, kick my ass and drag me to church.’

‘Are you okay?’ LJ asked. ‘I can hear that at least you’re alive.’

‘We’re all alive.’ Callghan said. ‘But for how long, who goddamn knows.’

‘What do you mean?’ LJ asked. ‘Are you on the ground?’

‘Negative.’ Callaghan said. ‘I can hear you fellas now. Look down.’

Jim gave LJ a look and then they both peered down as best they could. There was a quick strobe from a flashlight and they both had to stop themselves from laughing out loud.

‘Christ.’ Jim said. ‘You’re in the fucking tree?’

‘Yeah.’ Callaghan said. ‘Some asswipe VC knocked out Lady’s tail with an RPG and down we came. Thank fuck we bounced.’

‘You’re lucky.’ LJ said. ‘You could have gone kaboom.’

‘Don’t I fucking know it.’ Callaghan said. ‘You boys been in contact with the patrol?’

‘No.’ LJ sighed. ‘You?’

‘Heard a lot of screaming.’ Callaghan said. ‘I tried a couple of times but nada.’

‘Shit.’ Jim looked at LJ. ‘You think they bought the farm?’

‘Probably.’ LJ said. ‘Look we get these guys out, number one priority until we can get back in contact with the patrol.’

‘Roger that.’ Jim said, bringing Susie into a wide circle so he could check out the artillery fire and where it was coming from.

‘Lady came down on her side and we’re kind of stuck in the branches.’ Callaghan said. ‘Kellerman’s got the side door open but if we stay here too long we could fall right out the goddamn tree.’

‘We got you.’ LJ said and looked back at Benny and Flint. ‘Get the penetrator ready.’

‘Got it.’ Flint was already opening the side door and moving into position. The penetrator would go down and be able to winch up one of the crew at a time so it was essential that they had everything prepared. Hovering was dangerous at the best of times, but right then it was suicidal with RPGs and hostiles in the area.

‘No flares.’ Jim said. ‘Just use your flashlights and I’ll come around and fix on that.’ He had a plan forming in his head of just what to do. ‘Be ready to send someone up in cinco.’ He used the Spanish word, knowing that the VC wouldn’t be able to understand.

‘What are you thinking?’ LJ asked when he’d cut the transmission.

‘I’m going to do a random approach, haul someone in and then fly off and come in from another angle.’ Jim said. ‘Maybe that way they won’t be able to get a good fix on us.’

‘That was shot must have been lucky.’ LJ was looking down again. ‘This shit is looks damn near impenetrable.’

‘Not taking any chances.’ Jim banked Susie and bought her around in an anti-clockwise circle as he made his approach. ‘Quick extraction then we haul ass and come round again for the next one.’ He looked at LJ. ‘You can be damn sure they can hear us and I’ll bet they’re real keen on making it two for two.’

‘Yeah.’ LJ looked back at the others. ‘You boys ready?’ Benny and Flint both gave him a thumbs up.

‘Comin’ in.’ Jim focused in on the single beam of light that was his only indication of where 68 was lying. He inhaled deeply and then blew the air out as he steadied himself.

Hovering was challenging, and the sound of the metallic plinks as stray rounds hit Susie’s exterior did not make things any easier. He bought her in and adjusted the controls in his hands, and she levelled out and remained almost still in the air. Her rotors thrummed and behind him, Flint and Benny sent down the steel cable with the harness at the end of it. They peered out into the dark and then felt the tension take on the end. Flint threw the switch and the winch started retracting. Jim kept Susie level, waiting until he heard Benny.

‘Kellerman on board.’ he said and Jim couldn’t help a wry smile. It was typical of a crew to send up their medic first. He moved the cyclic, breaking out of the hover and turning into a steep turn to the left. The bird was supremely responsive and he took them up and around, mapping out a figure of eight. Behind them, Kellerman was shedding the harness.

‘You alright?’ Benny asked and he nodded batting his hands away as Benny tried to check him over.

‘I was lucky.’ he said. ‘My harness kept me stable. I’m a little bruised but that’s pretty much it. I think Cal’s got a broken arm and RJ’s a bit cut up from the greenhouse breaking, but Cooper’s good.’ He was almost vibrating with nervous energy. ‘We gotta get them out though.’

‘I’m on it.’ Jim replied. He was already mapping out the next approach. ‘Six Eight. Next run imminent.’ He levelled Susie out, watchful of the darkness below. A couple of stray rounds caught the rear and then he saw something out the corner of his eye, a white flash from below that made him react on instinct. He hauled back on the cyclic and almost threw Susie onto her side as he watched the tracer of the RPG coming in their direction.

‘Fuck!’ LJ was hanging on, his face grim. They both watched as the tracer passed just below them.

‘Bastards.’ Jim hissed it through gritted teeth. He came around tight and then took the bird back down. The door was still open, Benny and Flint crouched down. Benny had his M16 in his hands, and as they come down he aimed towards the ground. Flint sent down the cable and Jim held his breath as he came into the hover again. Now the rounds hitting Susie’s hull came with more frequency and Jim knew they were being fired at. He steeled himself and kept her straight.

‘Comin’ up.’ Flint said and Jim didn’t wait for the cable to retract all the way. Instead he took Susie straight up, taking her out of range. By the time Cooper was in, they were a few hundred feet higher up.

‘Man.’ Cooper’s voice was shaking. ‘That was wilder than riding the goddamn Cyclone.’

‘Sit.’ Benny was on his knees, checking him over. ‘You okay?’

‘Shit.’ Cooper had started to shake. ‘Goddammit.’

‘He’s going into shock.’ Kellerman was down next to him. ‘Come on, Coop. We need to get you lyin’ down.’ Between them they managed to wrestle Cooper up off the floor and onto a litter.

‘Come on, come on, come on…’ Jim muttered under his breath. He had two more runs to do and he was now feeling a sense of unease that they were not going to come out of this unscathed. ‘Six Eight, how you holdin’ up?’

‘We’re still here.’ Callaghan said. ‘But the fuckers are shooting the crap out of our asses.’ Even over the transmission, Jim could hear the small arms fire.

‘Fuck.’ he looked at LJ. ‘Flint, what’s the weight limit on the penetrator?’

‘No.’ LJ said. ‘That is not a good idea.’

‘Only one we’ve got.’ Jim said. ‘They’re right under them. The next lucky shot could be our asses.’

‘Goddammit.’ LJ said and then sighed. ‘Flint?’

‘We could do it.’ Flint replied. ‘But it could also mean we drop their asses in the middle of it, if the cable snaps.’

‘Likelihood of that happening?’ Jim asked.

‘Christ knows.’ Flint said. They were coming back in over the crash site and the metallic plinks on the hull started again. There were also a couple of tracers but Jim was still too high up for them to reach them.

‘Guess they know we’re here.’ He looked at LJ. ‘This is going to be our only chance.’

‘Shit.’ LJ spat the word angrily and then spoke into the radio. ‘Cal, we need to get you and RJ out there ASAP.’

‘Isn’t that gonna be kinda tricky?’ Callghan sounded uncertain.

‘Gotta try, buddy.’ LJ said. ‘They’re firing at us. You and RJ come up with the next one.’

‘Tell Callaghan to take the harness of his arm is busted.’ Flint said through the intercom. ‘RJ is also lighter so it’ll be easier for him to hold on. He’ll need to stick like a burr to Callaghan’s ass.’

‘Copy that.’ LJ said. ‘Cal, you take the rig. RJ will have to hang onto you on the way up.’

‘Crap.’ Callaghan said. ‘Okay.’ He could be heard saying something to RJ. ‘Right, copy that Five One. We’re comin’ up. Pray for our overladen asses.’

‘Will do.’ LJ said and then turned to Jim. ‘Time to get us in short-stack. Third time’s the charm.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim said. ‘Then hang onto your ass.’ He took Susie down, the sudden dive knocking the others around in the back. It was a risky move but it took them to just above the treeline quickly. Jim hauled back and Susie came dangerously close to stalling but then her shuddering stopped and Flint could lower the cable one last time.

Jim kept his eyes fixed on the trees below, a mass of black. He felt the shift in the bird’s equilibrium and knew that they had both men on the line. Just as the winch engaged, there was a series of flares in front of them and he knew that he had incoming artillery.

‘Incoming!’ he yelled and hauled the bird to the right, feeling the impact of the three men in the back as they fell to the side. Down below they heard a pair of distant squawks. Flint had struggled to the side and was half hanging out the door.

‘Still got them!’ he yelled back. ‘How the fuck are they hanging on?’ He watched the tracers go by, missing Susie by only a few feet. ‘Motherfucker!’

‘Just get us the fuck out of here.’ LJ said.

‘Roger that.’ Jim replied. He got the bird out of the line of fire and gunned it, the winch still groaning in the background.

‘Did someone order the fish?’ Flint asked and then laughed as he and Benny and Kellerman hauled in the last two crew. RJ was enveloped in one of Callaghan’s huge arms, his own wrapped around him in turn.

‘Shit.’ he said. ‘Those fuckers got Lady.’

‘Yeah, but she’s still pretty lucky.’ Benny said from where he was now kneeling next to Callaghan and examining his left arm.

‘That’s the truth.’ Kellerman said. ‘We could have been on the ground. Wouldn’t have lasted a minute.’

‘I hope to fuck she falls outta the goddamn tree and lands on their commie asses.’ Callaghan grumbled.

Jim looked at LJ and then they both started laughing. In the back, there was a snort and then everyone was in on it, except for Callaghan who looked bemused. Even Cooper was giggling.

‘I need to get outta the fuckin’ army.’ Flint wheezed, coming to lean between their seats. ‘Seriously. This shit is hazardous to my health.’ He slapped Jim on the shoulder. ‘Leave the war to you white boys.’

‘You and me both, brother.’ LJ was snickering so hard he was almost incomprehensible. ‘Christ on a bicycle.’

They flew straight on through to Chu Lai. LJ tried getting on the radio to the patrol, but there was no response and they had to face the fact that the men Sixty-Eight had been sent to pick up were in all likelihood dead.

‘Poor bastards.’ RJ said. He and Kellerman were in the jump seats. ‘I feel real bad we couldn’t get to them.’

‘It might have been you.’ Benny pointed out.

‘He’s right.’ Flint said. ‘I’m glad we got you out.’ He chuckled. ‘Even if Callaghan’s overweight ass damn near broke my goddamn winch.’

‘Sit on it, MacGraw.’ Callaghan said. He was a little groggy from the pain meds Benny had given him for his broken arm.

‘How long?’ Benny asked and Jim checked his instruments.

‘Ten minutes.’ he said and then clocked the time. He smiled to himself as he thought about a certain person who was turning twenty-five in a triage unit in exactly twelve minutes. LJ noticed his expression and chuckled.

‘Don’t do anything stupid, James.’ he said and Jim laughed.

‘I’ll try.’ he replied. ‘But I think I might have just outdone myself back there.’

********

Ross checked the notes on the chart of the young soldier in front of him. He scribbled down a few additional things and then hooked it back on the end of the bed. It was just past midnight and he was done with his rounds. He briefly contemplated that fact that it was his birthday as he left the ward and walked back to the R & E.

As he came into the triage around he was greeted with the rather unexpected sight of Demelza, Caroline, Dwight, Clayton and a couple of others. They were all standing there with grins on their faces and Demelza was holding what appeared to be a cake. It was quite a good one too, with bright blue icing and lit candles on top. They all broke into a tuneless rendition of Happy Birthday and Ross burst out laughing.

‘You guys.’ He was stupidly touched. ‘You didn’t have to do that.’

‘Well, we figured that if you had to see in your birthday in the R & E, the least we could do was get you a cake.’ Demelza said. ‘We got the mess guys to bake it for you especially.’ She was grinning from ear to ear. ‘It’s vanilla with lemon frosting.’

They took it to one of the tables and made him blow out his candles before Demelza doled it out. While she was busy, the CBS went off and Dwight walked over to take the call. When he came back he was chuckling.

‘Fifty-One’s coming in.’ he said. ‘Get this, Sixty-Eight went into a hot LZ and got hit in the ass with an RPG.’

‘How is that funny?’ Ross was astonished at his attitude.

‘Because the sons of bitches got stuck in a goddamn tree.’ Dwight replied. ‘What are the odds?’

‘Are they all right?’ Demelza asked and he nodded.

‘Callaghan’s got a broken arm.’ he said. ‘Apart from that there’s not a scratch on them. Still, I told them that they need to be checked over.’

‘Sounds like they just used up all their luck.’ Caroline remarked and Dem grinned at her.

‘Anyhow, they’re going to drop off Callaghan and then head back down.’ Dwight said. He gave Ross a meaningful look and Ross hid a smile.

Soon after, the sound of the bird coming in came through the open door of the R & E and Ross trotted out, looking up for Fifty-One’s landing lights. They lit up the sky around them as they came over the bluff and Jim brought Fifty-One down. The crew of Sixty-Eight came tumbling out the back and they greeted him as they passed. He didn’t stop though, walking straight to Jim’s window.

‘Hi birthday boy.’ Jim smiled as he leaned in.

‘Hi yourself.’ he replied. ‘So that must have been interesting.’

‘Very.’ Jim laughed. ‘But all okay which is a win for us. So how’s your birthday been so far?’

‘Not too bad.’ Ross conceded. ‘There was cake.’

‘Yeah?’ Benny leaned out the back door. ‘Is there any left?’

‘Yeah.’ Ross was grinning. ‘Inside.’

‘In that case, I feel a cake run comin’ on.’ LJ declared, undoing his harness. ‘We can spare a few minutes for cake.’ He climbed out and Jim smiled. Ross returned it and stared coming around. He met LJ halfway and got a slap on the shoulder and a birthday greeting.

He got around to LJ’s side and climbed in. Susie was still going and he took care not to touch anything. Jim noticed how gingerly he was getting in and laughed. Then he shut his window and waited for Ross to sit down.

‘So I got you somethin’.’ he said.

‘Really?’ Ross couldn’t stop smiling.

‘It’s nothin’ big.’ Jim said. He dug in his top pocket and came out with a folded envelope. ‘Here. Happy Birthday, baby.’

Ross smiled and leaned over to him.

‘Thank you.’ he said and Jim smiled at him, dimples just visible. It was dark in the bird and the glare of the landing lights would keep them hidden. Ross met him halfway, a soft kiss that made his toes curl. He pulled back and then saw movement outside. He climbed back out after another quick kiss and came round the front of Susie.

‘So we’ll see you later?’ LJ said when he came around the front to get handshakes from Benny and Flint before they hopped back in.

‘You will.’ Ross replied. ‘Once I’ve slept this off.’

‘Good.’ LJ said. ‘Leave room for more cake.’ He went back around and Ross stepped back out of the take-off circle and watched Jim take Susie back up into the air, turning her around and flying her off the bluff and towards the airfield. Once the lights faded he went back inside. He went to one of the store rooms and ripped off the end of the envelope. He upended it and smiled when a puka shell necklace fell out onto his palm. It was different to Jim’s, grey and white and interspersed with black. Ross grinned like a maniac and stuck it in his top pocket, buttoning it closed and then went back to work.

***********

The next morning Jim was awoken to the feeling that someone was staring at him. He cracked open one eye and saw benny’s face an inch from his.

‘Jesus fuck.’ He nearly fell off his cot in surprise. ‘Benny, what the hell?’

‘We need to go.’ Benny said, his voice insistent. ‘I don’t think this can wait.’ His face was a picture of worry. ‘There’s something…comin’ out of it.’

‘Chirst.’ Jim groaned. ‘I’ve had exactly three hours sleep, Benny.’

‘I know.’ Benny implored. ‘Please Jim.’

‘All right.’ Jim made a colossal effort and sat up. ‘But then I’m comin’ back and you are not to disturb me. Understood?’

‘Sure.’ Benny stood back while he got up and dressed, still half asleep. By the time he had his boots on and was lacing them up, Jim was more or less conscious.

They left the hooch and Jim put his sunglasses on, grimacing at the bright sunlight. Fortunately there was a jeep coming past when they got to the main road and they could thumb a lift up to the 91st. The jeep dropped them off at the R & E and Jim walked around and into the row of hooches, Benny trailing morosely behind him.

They got to Ross and Dwight’s hooch, and Jim knocked. There was the sound of someone moving to the door and then Ross cracked open the door. His hair was a curly mess up top and his hazel eyes were sleepy. It took Jim right back to two weeks before and he smiled at him.

‘Mornin’.’ he said and Ross frowned at him.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked and Jim stepped aside to reveal Benny behind him.

‘We need to ask you to take a look at somethin’. It’s not gonna be pretty.’ he said and Ross gave Benny a look that spoke volumes.

‘Come in.’ he said and opened the door properly to let them in.

Jim walked in, Benny behind him. He saw that Dwight’s bed was empty and raised his eyebrows at Ross, who was now rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He was in his skivvies and a khaki t-shirt and Jim could smell him, deep and earthy. It made lust flair inside him like a magnesium flare but he tamped it down.

‘Where’s Dwight?’ he asked.

‘He went to Caro’s this morning.’ Ross replied. ‘Dem’s pulling a double so she can be off tonight.’ He sighed and put his hands on his hips. ‘So, am I looking at your ass or your dick?’ This was to Benny, who went bright red.

‘How do you know that it’s either of those things?’ he protested and Ross raised his eyebrows at him and then looked a Jim. Jim grinned and shrugged. He took his cigarettes out of his pocket and lit one, then went to go sit down.

‘Because you wouldn’t be here if it was anything else.’ Ross said. ‘You’re obviously trying to avoid a VD charge so let’s see it.’

‘You heard him.’ Jim was grinning, determined to get some enjoyment out of being dragged out of his cot. ‘Show the nice doctor your penis, Benjamin.’

‘Man.’ Benny huffed and then dropped his shorts. Ross came around to have a look and this time the eyebrow thing was accompanied by a look of astonishment.

‘Holy shit.’ he said. Jim chuckled.

‘I know, right?’ he said. ‘It’s a good thing you’re not gay Benny. You’d have a very full dance card.’

‘That is undoubtedly the largest cock I have ever seen.’ Ross said. Then he frowned. ‘Okay that’s not good.’ He looked up at Benny. ‘How long have you had the discharge?’

‘Started this morning.’ Benny had his eyes averted, his face scarlet.

‘Burning when you urinate? Tenderness and pain in your testicles?’ Ross asked and he nodded. ‘Okay I need a couple of things. You can put your pants back on.’ He straightened up. ‘Stay here, I’m going to grab what I need from the R & E.’ He scouted around for his pants and pulled them on, then did the same with socks and boots. Once dressed, he grinned at Jim. ‘I’ll be back in a couple of minutes. Don’t go anywhere.’

‘No sweat.’ Jim replied. He sat back and Benny came to sit opposite him. He looked around the hooch.

‘So this is where you two do it, huh?’ he asked and Jim gave him a look.

‘What the hell?’ he asked and Benny shrugged.

‘Just making conversation.’ he grumbled. ‘Is this gonna hurt?’

‘I have no idea.’ Jim replied. ‘Maybe.’ He offered Benny a cigarette and lit it for him. ‘So you learned your lesson?’

‘Yeah.’ Benny looked sullen. They smoked until Ross came back in.

‘So from what I can gather, it looks and smells like gonorrhoea.’ he said. ‘So that means you need antibiotics.’ He took out a hypodermic syringe and a sealed needle from one pocket and a small glass bottle from the other along with a single table in plastic.

‘Gonor-what?’ Benny looked at Jim.

‘The clap, Benny.’ Jim explained. ‘You’ve got the clap.’

‘Fuck.’ Benny looked like he wanted to cry. He stared as Ross peeled the protective film back from the needle and attached it to the syringe. He lifted the bottle and stuck the needle in, drawing off a dose of the liquid and then expressing a small amount to clear any air bubbles.

‘Right.’ he said. ‘Pants down and bend over the table.’

‘Oh God.’ Benny went pale. ‘In the ass, Doc?’

‘In the ass.’ Ross confirmed. He watched as Benny got up and did as he’d been instructed, then leaned over the table. ‘And next time, you’ll be more sensible I hope.’ He came around behind Benny and stuck the needle in one cheek without too much preamble and Benny winced. Ross pressed the plunger home and then pulled it out.

‘Thank fuck that’s over.’ Benny pulled up his pants.

‘Hell of a way to start my birthday though.’ Ross said. ‘Here.’ He handed Benny the tablet. ‘You need to take that with breakfast. The symptoms should disappear in a week but no intercourse for at least ten days.’ He dug in his other pocket and chucked a handful of condoms on the table. ‘And next time, you wrap that sucker up.’

‘Thanks Doc.’ Benny said. ‘I’m sorry I woke you up on your birthday.’

‘That’s okay.’ Ross was now grinning at Jim. ‘You can make it up to me by fucking off and leaving him behind.’ Benny looked between them and then realised what Ross was alluding to. He went red again, put his field cap on and scampered out the hooch as fast as his feet could carry him with his handful of condoms.

‘I’ll see you guys later.’ he called and Ross shut the door behind him and locked it. He turned back around, a gleam in his dark eyes.

‘Don’t.’ Jim laughed and then yawned. ‘I am so fucking tired.’

‘Me too.’ Ross came forward and held out a hand. ‘But I could really use someone to hold while I sleep.’ He pulled Jim to his feet. ‘I’ve missed you.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim grinned. ‘You saw me a couple of hours ago.’ He let Ross lead him to the bed and then sat down with him. They both got rid of their boots and socks and pants and then crawled under the sheet together, twisting around until they were entangled enough to fit on Ross’ bed. Jim cushioned his head on his arm and Ross pulled him in close and stuck his nose in the back of Jim’s neck.

‘This is all I want for my birthday.’ he said and Jim smiled and pulled Ross’ hand up to kiss it.

‘Happy birthday.’ he said, already starting to feel sleep creeping back up on him. ‘I love you.’

‘Love you too.’ Ross said and kissed the back of his neck. ‘And thank you for the gift. It’s perfect.’

‘Well, it’s kind of a surfer thing.’ Jim said and Ross could tell he was smiling. ‘If you were my girl, I’d buy you one so I figured the same shit applies seeing as you’re my guy.’ Ross laughed, half muffled in Jim’s shoulder.

‘I like that.’ he said. ‘That I’m your guy.’ He let out a deep breath. ‘Just a couple of hours?’

‘Just a couple of hours.’ Jim yawned.

Ross put his head down and slept.

*********

The sound of someone coming in the room woke them and there was a brief panic as Ross until cleared his head enough to realise that it could only be Dwight.

‘Sorry.’ Dwight sounded a little strained and Ross sat up. Jim did the same, rubbing sleep from his eyes and then immediately started making motions to get out of the bed.

‘I guess I overslept.’ he said with a sheepish grin at Dwight. ‘It was a long rotation.’

‘I get that.’ Dwight replied. He gave them both a reassuring smile and turned to sit with his back to them while Jim pulled on his pants and boots. ‘It’s just after three if you’re interested.’

‘Crap...’ Jim hauled his remaining boot on and started on the laces. ‘I’m late.’

‘For what?’ Ross asked. ‘It’s your day off.’

‘I know.’ Jim grinned at him. ‘But it’s also someone’s birthday and I got a party to put on.’ He got up, raking his fingers through his messy hair and came over to kiss Ross goodbye. ‘I’ll catch you later, Doc.’

‘See you.’ Ross watched him bolt out the door and then smiled at Dwight apologetically. ‘Sorry about that.’

‘It’s cool.’ Dwight replied. ‘It’s better than walking in on you two….’ He shrugged. ‘You know.’

‘I know.’ Ross said. ‘And in my defence that’s only happened once.’ It had been awkward for all of them. Thankfully he and Jim had been pressed for time and it had only progressed as far as hands down each other’s pants. He stood up and stretched. ‘I’m going to hit the showers and then get some chow. You eat already?’

‘Nope.’ Dwight was at his locker. ‘That’s not a bad idea actually.’

They went to the head together, taking the cubicles next to each other as they usually did. Ross found himself humming as he wished himself down, a few hours of sleeping next to Jim doing wonders for his mood. He heard a chuckle from next door and made an enquiring noise.

‘You’re happy.’ Dwight said. ‘It’s weirdly sweet.’ Ross grinned and rinsed his hair.

He dried off after and came out. Dwight was busy shaving and Ross went to join him. He lathered up his face and started the methodical process of removing the dark stubble, watching it get washed down the drain.

They took a slow walk to the mess hall, just in time for lunch. It was fried chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy, fresh rolls on the side and some of the green papaya salad that their mess cook had discovered in country and now made on a regular basis. They grabbed a couple of sodas to go with it and took a seat near the windows. The breeze was filtering in and it took the edge off the heat.

Ross ate steadily, head down, and Dwight did the same. They had learned to do this, refuelling on all those double shift nights when they’d had no choice but to eat quickly and it had kind of stuck. They were heading down to the air field at eight. Everyone was on the day shift the next day and so they needed to have a reasonably early night.

As they were finishing up, Demelza came in looking exhausted. She’d worked eight until two, and it was getting on for half-past.

‘Hi.’ She fell into a chair opposite Ross. ‘Christ, I need a shower.’

‘You want me to get you something?’ Ross asked and she nodded gratefully. He got up and came back with a full mess tray for her. They watched her shovel her food in, her body obviously desperate for sustenance. When she was done, Dwight got them all coffee and they lit cigarettes and sat and digested for a while.

‘So how is the intrepid crew chief of 68?’ Ross asked.

‘Callaghan’s got a hairline fracture of the left radius.’ Demelza said. ‘Other than that all good.’ She inhaled and then killed her cigarette. ‘They were damned lucky.’ She chuckled.  
‘One hell of a story though. Should keep them in beer for at least a month.’ She drained her coffee. ‘I’m going to go crash for a few hours. No good dancing with my fella and falling asleep on his shoulder.’

Ross and Dwight watched her get up and waved her off. They stayed for another round of coffee and then took a walk down to the R & E. They weren’t on shift, but Dwight was studying for his final Emergency medicine exams and Ross had offered to help him. Anderson had a surprisingly well-stocked library and they took over one of the stock rooms and settled in to study.

************

‘Here.’ LJ beckoned and Flint threw him the roll of crepe paper. The club was now festooned with white strands and clusters of surgical glove balloons hung from the ceiling like bizarre grapes. Benny was in the corner sorting through his music. There hadn’t been a proper party for a while, not even when Flint and Demelza had gotten engaged, and so they were using Ross’ birthday more as an excuse for a shindig than anything else.

The door opened and Jim came in, crate of beers in hand. He moved through the space until he got to the bar and then dumped it on the counter.

‘Looks good.’ He grinned. ‘Very surgical.’

‘Yeah well, we figured it fitted.’ LJ got down from the chair he’d been standing on. ‘Especially after the close encounter with Warrant officer Gunn over there and his radioactive dick.’

‘Fuck off.’ Benny muttered. Jim noticed that he was still very subdued after his diagnosis and grinned as he went over and clapped him on the shoulder.

‘Hey at least it’s not gonna drop off.’ he said.

‘Yeah, but no more going downtown.’ Flint chuckled. ‘You’re gonna have to beat your meat for a couple of weeks, baby.’

‘That ain’t so bad.’ LJ said. ‘It’s what I do.’ The other three gave him looks of disgust.

‘Don’t man.’ Flint protested. ‘It’s like hearin’ your dad say he jacks off.’

‘A man’s got needs, brother.’ LJ said sagely. ‘I got it down to a fine art.’

‘Christ.’ Flint shook his head and then looked at his watch. ‘It’s half-five. You fellas want to go get some chow?’

‘Yup.’ Jim stretched, the bones in his neck popping. ‘I’m all fucked up from sleeping on Ross’ bed.’ He bent over and touched his toes and the pull in his back was heavenly.

‘Yeah.’ LJ said. ‘Sittin’ in the bird for nine hours straight ain’t good for it either.’

They walked out the club, stopping to light up as they made their way across to the mess hall. It was busy as usual, the evening rotation coming on. The topic of conversation was of course the spectacular rescue of 68 from the tree and there was plenty of laughter as they ate.

After dinner they went to the PX for cigarettes. Jim came out after LJ, shoving the two packs he’d bought in his pockets and opening the pack of gum he’d also purchased. He offered LJ a strip and they both started walking, chewing meditatively as Flint and Benny horse around in front of them.

‘So what are you gonna do?’ Benny was asking as he dodged a swipe.

‘I went to go talk to the chaplain today.’ Flint replied. ‘He said he can do it.’ He shrugged. ‘It ain’t Hawaii, but we get to take some leave together once it’s all official.’

‘Honeymoon?’ Jim asked and Flint nodded.

‘We reckon somewhere hot and with a beach.’ he replied. ‘Thailand’s looking good.’

‘Yeah, that’s where I’ve put in for.’ Jim said. He didn’t need to add that so had Ross. If it came through it was another week of freedom. They had asked for Bangkok. Jim knew a place, a place where they could hole up and not been seen for a week. He had grand plans for getting high, drunk and fucked as much as humanly possible. No-one needed to tell him that this was the last time they would have together before Ross shipped out in six months. Jim would still have another three left after that until they could be together again.

‘So when are they gonna do it?’ Benny asked, shoulder bumping Flint off course. Dinner had cheered him up immeasurably.

‘Well, you know how goddamn slow the army is.’ Flint replied. ‘They reckon end of August, after we get clearance.’

‘That’s like three months.’ Benny wrinkled his nose. ‘That’s so slow.’

‘No shit.’ Flint sounded remarkably upbeat considering. ‘But on the bright side, we can all save to have one hell of a reception.’

They got to the club and went in. Benny got the music going and they cracked open their first round of beers. As they did, there was a whistle and Clayton and Reynolds came in. They got a loud greeting and beers lobbed in their direction.

‘You boys are early.’ LJ remarked. ‘Where the hell are the docs?’

‘Last we saw, Enys and Poldark were arguin’ about something with a name I ain’t even able to pronounce.’ Reynolds drawled around his cigarette. He opened his beer and went to sit next to Flint. ‘Them boys are crazy smart.’

The music came on and they gave Benny a cheer and a round of applause. He came to sit with them and LJ broke out his little happy helper tin, rolling and passing the joint to Flint to spark it up. In the background, Jimi was singing about an American woman.

About an hour later, the door swung open again. The sun had started to descend but they were all sitting in the dark. They cheered once more, raising their beers to their guest if honour as he came in with his three followers. Flint was up in a trice, kissing Demelza soundly on the mouth and Jim felt a flicker of jealousy at not having the freedom to do that. He noticed a lightning quick look pass between Clayton and Reynolds and knew that was not alone in this particular opinion.

He got up and watched as Ross walked over to him, eyes only for him, and that made it better.

‘Hi.’ he said and Ross’ grin was bright, even in the dark.

‘Hi.’ He looked happy and Jim couldn’t help the way his heart skipped at that.

‘Doc.’ Lj was coming forward with a beer. ‘Here you go.’ He had a wicked twinkle in his eyes. ‘For services above and beyond the call of duty.’ Ross immediately knew what he was referring to and chuckled.

‘It was nothing.’ he said. ‘Although I do feel like I have seen one of the wonders of the modern world.’ That made Benny get a goofy grin on his face. He was clearly too stoned to care at this point.

‘So.’ Flint was on his feet now, one arm around Demelza. ‘We got a few reasons to celebrate tonight. The most notable is that the Doc is another year older and getting closer to the point of no return.’ There was applause and laughter. ‘The other is that Dem and I have taken the righteous decision that we’re getting hitched in three months’ time.’ There was more applause and a call of ‘Right on.’ from LJ. Flint acknowledged him and then looked at Ross. ‘So vis a vis the first of these things, I do believe it’s traditional to get a present on your birthday, Ross. I believe Jim’s already given you his, but you ain’t had ours.’

Jim watched the look of surprise cross Ross’ face and smiled. He knew what they had done, what they had been planning for a while. Technically, Flint had done all the work, but it had been a collective decision.

‘It was decided that seein’ as how you’ve stitched one of our asses back together and kept our pilot entertained, we are goin’ to make you one of us.’ LJ declared. He reached into his pocket and took out something that had been (very badly) wrapped in one of the sheets of writing paper you could buy at the PX. ‘So this is from Fifty-One and Susie Q.’

Ross took the gift and looked at Jim and Jim nodded to him. He also snuck a look at Caroline out of the corner of his eye. He and Ross had decided to give Dwight the all clear to tell her when they had come back and so far she looked completely nonplussed by the whole thing. It wasn’t like they were going to start flapping it around in people’s faces, but it felt really good to have yet another person they didn’t have to hide from.

Ross was now attacking the paper, ripping it with childlike enthusiasm and anticipation all over his face. When he finally got the object inside out, it took all Jim’s self-control to stop himself from going over and kissing him. He had a truly adorable look of delight entrenched in his smile and his dancing eyes. Jim watched him turn the bracelet over in his hand. The wings that adorned it weren’t official ones. Instead they had been made from steel taken from Susie when she’d crashed and Flint had spent the past month crafting it. The workmanship was superb, and they were identical to Jim’s except that they had been set in the band of steel links.

He looked over at Jim and now the sparkle was mischievous.

‘I think I might like this better.’ he said and Jim huffed a laugh. He walked over and took the bracelet from Ross’ hand.

‘Keep talking like that Doc.’ he retorted. ‘Just remember who your ass belongs to.’ He clipped the bracelet around Ross’ wrist and held his own with the Huey bracelet next to it.  
‘Now we kinda match.’

‘Yeah.’ Ross looked at him and there was so much love in his eyes that it almost hurt to look at him. ‘Guess we do.’

**********

By the time it was black outside, everyone was drunk and more than a little high. They had left the lights off, the only illumination coming from a collection of candles on the bar and the embers of cigarettes and joints.

Jim was sitting against the wall on the low couch. Ross was next to him and they were taking advantage of the dark to sit right up against each other. Dwight and Caroline were making out in a corner and Flint and Dem had gone back to their hooch to take advantage of the fact that everyone else was there. Benny and Reynolds were sniggering like children as they tried to throw balled up bits of crepe paper into Clayton’s open mouth as he slumped in a chair and snored loudly. LJ had taken over as DJ and he was running through his motown collection.

He put another LP on the portable player and a familiar rhythm started. That made Ross look up and then back at Jim.

‘What?’ Jim asked, looking down at him. A slow smile crossed Ross’ face and then he made the colossal effort to sit up and get to his feet, rather unsteadily but standing nonetheless.

‘You know what I really wanted for my birthday?’ he asked and Jim shook his head.

‘No.’ He couldn’t help smiling back. ‘What did you want, baby?’

Ross said nothing, just held out his hand. Jim stared at it and then looked around him out of habit. No-one was paying them the least bit of attention and he put his beer aside and killed the joint under his heel.

‘I’ll probably stand all over your feet.’ he warned and Ross laughed, low and sexy.

‘Don’t care.’ He took Jim’s hand. ‘Dance with me.’

Jim let himself be pulled into the empty space between the chairs and the couch and Ross got him around the waist and pulled him in close enough that their mouths were only an inch apart. Jim felt his heart start to thud in his chest. This was oddly intimate, more so than what they had been doing the day before. It felt deliciously illicit, this simple act that other couples did as naturally as breathing. He lifted his hand and Ross took it. Jim placed the other one on his shoulder and they moved into each other until there was no space between them and danced.

_Don't know much about history_   
_Don't know much biology_   
_Don't know much about a science book,_   
_Don't know much about the french I took._   
_But I do know that I love you_   
_And I know that if you love me, too,_   
_What a wonderful world this would be._

Jim looked into Ross’ eyes, black in the barely there light.

‘Happy Birthday, Doc.’ It was only a whisper but Ross’ smile told him he’d heard it. His grip tightened and Jim leaned into him and let the music carry them away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from (What A) Wonderful World by Sam Cooke.


	16. Wild Horses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like the song says, it'll take a lot.

June and July trickled by in stolen moments and the building dread that it was coming to a close far too quickly for them to even contemplate. 

Ross wiped the sweat from his forehead with his arm, succeeding only in moving around his face. The R & E was blazing hot and they were all sweating like pigs. Ross could have wrung out his scrubs and still have been saturated a half hour later. The air-con had been out for three days and the heat was stifling. Even on night shift, as they were now, the darkness bought no respite from the sweltering conditions

‘Jesus.’ Dwight’s hair was a tangle of damp curls. ‘How the hell does anyone live here permanently?’

‘And you’ve only been here eight months.’ Demelza pointed out. ‘Have a little sympathy for those of us on a two year rotation.’ She grinned at Ross and he grinned back. ‘And at least we have the chance of getting the damn aircon back. The guys in country have this all the time.’

‘She really knows how to take the air out your sails, doesn’t she?’ Dwight remarked to Caroline. Demelza gave him an unrepentant smile. 

Ross finished the stitching he was doing and nodded at her to take over with the dressing. 

‘All done.’ he said to the young soldier in front of him. He’d come in with a gash in his head and a broken wrist from falling down a slope in country. 

‘Thanks Doc.’ It was distracted, the soldier completely fixed on Demelza, his face full of open admiration for the lovely nurse that was attending to him. Ross exchanged a look with Dwight. 

‘No respect around here.’ Dwight chuckled. ‘Smoke?’

‘Good idea.’ Ross followed him out the R & E door and they stood under the eaves. At least outside there was a hint of breeze and Ross took the cigarette offered and lit it, exhaling into the air and luxuriating in the temporary respite from the sauna like conditions inside. He looked up into the dark blue and wondered how hot it would be in Bangkok. It was only three weeks before he got R & R but until then there would be plenty happening. 

Demelza and Flint’s wedding had been set for the last week of August and the officer’s club at the 91st had decided to host their wedding reception as the unit’s wedding gift. The very next week, coincidentally the same week he and Jim were heading to Bangkok, they would be on a plane to Sydney for their week of honeymoon. Ross’ gift had been to fork out for the hotel, a swanky number a stone’s throw from the beach. When he’d told Demelza her shrieks had pretty much deafened him. 

The sound of a bird coming in made them both lift their heads. Ross killed his cigarette under his boot and smiled. It was 51, Jim’s crew being first on that duty that evening. He jogged over as Susie touched down, the dust kicking up even on the hard surface. Everything was dusty and the fact that everyone was sweaty just made it stick. 

Jim slammed his window down as Ross approached. Behind him, Dwight was talking to Benny as Benny filled him in on their casualties. They were Degar, also called Montagnard by the colonials, and they were fierce supporters of the US forces, leading patrols like Haynes’ LARP team through the mountainous regions towards the interior of the country. They were also unfortunately subject to heavy casualties and Ross could hear from what Benny was saying that it this was a batch of severe injuries. 

‘You ok?’ he asked and Jim nodded. 

‘You need to get goin’.’ His face was grim. ‘We got more right on our tail.’

‘Jesus.’ Ross left the window and went to help with the transfer of litters, evaluating as he went. 

They got the first group of casualties inside and Ross got working on a man with severe head trauma. He got the bleeding under control, then re-assessed the man’s vitals and directed him to surgery. His next patient had a hole in his belly, his dark skin pasty looking from shock and blood loss. 

Ross smiled at him to try and reassure him. It was tough. Few Degar spoke English with any degree of fluency and his knowledge of their language was less than that. Clayton was doing what he could, trying to get by in Vietnamese, but it was hard going. 

Ross ran his hands over the man’s belly around the entry wound. It looked like small calibre which boded well for his survival. Demelza had a line going and the man was watching what she did intently, his black eyes bright with pain. 

Ross sucked air in between his teeth as he contemplated what to do. The man’s vitals were steady, his breathing unaffected and his blood pressure holding. That was a good sign, indicating that no large blood vessels had been perforated. His belly was soft, with none of the swelling or stretched skin that would indicate internal bleeding.  
Demelza was now cutting the man’s pants away and Ross did his inspection of the lower limbs and genitourinary area. 

‘Analgesics and antibiotics.’ he instructed. ‘Christ knows what could have gotten in with the round.’

Demelza nodded and went off to get the medication and Ross went back to the wound itself. He picked up a probe from the tray next to him and tested the wound for depth, noting how far the round had gone through the different tissue layers. To his surprise it wasn’t as deep as he’d thought and he found the projectile easily. 

‘I think I can get it.’ he said and Demelza looked at him from where she was injecting anitbiotics into the IV. Ross removed the probe and picked up a pair of forceps. The bullet was slippery with blood and it took a couple of tries, and a whole lot of patience but Ross finally got hold of it and eased it out. He was gratified to see that he’d also managed to remove the scrap of cloth from the man’s shirt with it. Fabric left in wounds was the primary cause of sepsis. 

On the litter, the man’s eyes went wide as he saw the round held between the ends of the forceps. He muttered something in his own language and although Ross couldn’t understand it, he got the gist from the man’s tone and chuckled. 

‘Get a specimen jar and chuck some alcohol in it.’ He directed this at one of the other nurses and she moved to carry out his instructions. When she brought it back, Ross took it from her and popped the bullet into the jar and handed it to the man. 

‘There.’ He grinned. ‘Makes a nice souvenir.’ The man laughed with him, his dilating pupils showing Ross that the analgesics were kicking in. 

‘You’re going to close it up?’ Demelza already had a suture kit in her hands and Ross smiled at her, grateful at how easily she anticipated what he would do. 

‘Yes.’ He scouted around for a stool and then got to work. It took about thirty minutes to stitch the wound closed and the man was taken to the recovery ward, clutching his specimen jar like it contained a holy relic. The last thing Ross saw was him giving him a thumbs up as he rounded the corner, carried between two GMOs. He smiled and turned to Demelza.

‘Who’s next?’ he asked. 

*********

Jim had Susie at an altitude of roughly 1500 feet, enjoying the stillness of the night as he flew back out to the hill country behind Chu Lai. Their call was for a patrol that had had a minor run in with some VC and a couple of injuries. It was about twenty minutes out and Jim had the running lights off as was procedure. There was also a slick with them, coming to extract the rest of the patrol from an area that was getting increasingly hot. There had been a fair amount of good natured chatter between the two birds and when the radio crackled, Jim had expected more of the same. This time though, the pilot’s voice was full of concern. 

‘Five-One, this is Dolphin Nine-Three. You’ve got a bogie on your ass, over.’ 

‘What?’ LJ twisted in his seat. ‘Where the hell did he come from?’ 

‘That’s not all.’ The pilot sounded downright confused. ‘It looks like a goddamn T-28, over.’ 

Jim shot LJ a look. That made no sense at all. 

‘Can you confirm position, over?’ LJ asked and the pilot came back. 

‘About three degrees off your position, over.’ The pilot replied. ‘Shit, what the fuck is he doin’?’

‘Christ.’ Jim looked over his shoulder. Now he could see it silhouetted against the night sky. He felt a chill go through him and was completely at a loss as to why.

‘Ain’t one of ours.’ LJ was on the comm. He patched through to Ortiz and Jim listened to him ask if there was supposed to be any other aircraft in the sky with them. Ortiz came back with a negative and now the T-28 was closing in on them. 

‘Fuck.’ Flint was at the window on his side of the bird. ‘Is it trying to nail us?’

‘Can’t tell.’ LJ sounded unsettled. He called through to the slick. ‘Dolphin Nine-Three, I suggest you get your ass out of here.’

‘Roger that.’ The slick fell away behind them, and Jim saw the shadow of the bird disappear into the darkness below. 

‘We need to do something.’ He looked at LJ and got a nod. 

‘Shake him.’ He sounded flat. ‘Let’s see if this motherfucker is friend or foe.’

‘Hold on.’ Jim inhaled sharply, dropped the revs and Susie damn near fell out of the sky on her way down. He kept her tight, LJ coming in on the cyclic with him to keep her stable.

The T-28 followed, but when they neared 1000 feet, it seemed to pull up a little. Jim smiled, adrenaline coursing through him. The light aircraft was nimble and quick in the air but she would have trouble following through near to the ground, the low altitudes giving their bird more chance of outrunning it. 

They crashed through to 500 feet and Jim and LJ both threw back on the cyclic, levelling Susie out with a shudder that felt like the whole bird was going to be ripped apart.

Still the T-28 followed. 

‘Motherfucker.’ Jim banked violently to the left. ‘This asshole looks like he wants to dance.’

‘So dance with him, baby.’ LJ’s eyes were bright. ‘Let’s show him what we got.’ 

They were now low enough that Jim could see almost everything below him, the bright moonlight that had allowed the slick to spot their tail in the first place now giving them a distinct advantage. Jim grinned fiercely and took it. 

He kept Susie as low as he could, forcing the T-28 to climb a little. This kind of flying was where he shone, using every last instinct he possessed. He took her over a stretch of paddy fields, the water reflecting the night sky, zigzagging and bouncing her up and down in an effort to shake the aircraft behind them. 

‘Crap!’ Benny was holding on for dear life. ‘This is worse than the goddamn Cyclone!’ 

That struck Jim as wildly funny for some reason, his heart pounding as he started laughing. There was a line of trees at the end of the paddy field and he bounced Susie over them at the last minute, feeling gratified when the T-28 had to climb out of the space and head up again. 

‘Fuck!’ LJ had himself braced. ‘Warn a brother!’

‘That thing’s got guns.’ Jim pointed out. ‘It’s either I bruise your ass or ours gets shot out the goddamn sky. You choose!’ He took them down again and they were so low, their shadow could be seen on the surface of the water. 

‘Christ.’ LJ got back on the horn. ‘Ortiz, we still got that T-28 on our tail. Bastard’s following us all over the goddamn show. You sure there’s nothing out, over?’

‘No.’ Ortiz sounded as baffled as they were. ‘There’s nothing on the official channels. I called it in and brass said there’s no flights cleared for that sector.’ 

‘Hang on.’ Jim threw Susie into a violent turn and took her skimming over the trees. He kept her as low as possible, and he could swear he could hear the branches thwacking her skids. 

‘Jesus fuck!’ Benny was on his side, staring out into the dark. ‘We’re nearly in the goddamn trees!’ 

‘Yeah?’ Jim could hear how tight his own voice was, the adrenaline peaking and making him feel almost drunk on it. ‘Better than dead.’ He checked the chronometer, seeing that it had been exactly twenty-eight minutes since they had taken the call from the slick. 

‘Shit.’ Flint sounded flat out astonished. ‘It’s goin’ back up.’

‘You sure?’ Jim twisted to try and see out the window, but his position made it tricky. 

‘Yeah.’ Flint was jubilant. ‘Motherfucker’s backing off.’ 

‘He’s right.’ Benny was now crowded in next to Flint. ‘He’s heading skyward.’

‘Fuck.’ LJ looked at Jim, confusion written all over his face. ‘What the hell was that?’ 

‘No idea.’ Jim felt his heart thumping as he started to come down and relax a little. ‘LZ’s just ahead though so look sharp.’ 

‘Damn.’ Flint was back in his jump seat. ‘That was the weirdest shit I have ever seen go down.’ 

‘No kidding.’ LJ let out a harsh breath. ‘Fuck.’ He put the call through to the patrol and shortly afterwards a flare went up, showing Jim their position.

They came in over the LZ and Jim brought Susie down, switching on his running lights at the last minute. They had come in so hot that the patrol barely had a chance to collect themselves. Jim watched them bring their casualties out from the treeline. Flint and Benny had the door open and were out to help them load up. Four came on and Benny got to work while Jim lifted them off. 

There was none of the usual chatter as they flew back in, and Jim knew Flint was at the window, watching for their mysterious companion to re-appear, but the T-28 seemed to be gone.

*********

Ross stretched and felt his back pop as he did, scrubs riding up. He scratched absently as the hair on his stomach, now dog tired and ready to go crash out. 

‘Christ.’ Dwight was just as tired. It was now getting on for six in the morning and the radio caught their attention as the call came in. 

‘I’ll take it.’ Ross near dragged himself across to the CB and patched the call through. ‘This is Nine One, over.’

‘Nine One this is Five One.’ LJ replied. ‘We’re bringing in four casualties, none of ‘em urgent, over.’

‘What have you got, over?’ Ross could hear LJ sounded a little off, but that was probably because he was tired. 

‘Couple of minor shrapnel injuries and a couple of rounds in the shoulder.’ LJ sounded like he was muttering something to someone in the background before he came back. ‘ETA is about fifteen, over.’

‘Roger that.’ Ross frowned. ‘We’ll see you in a few, over.’ He felt an odd little shiver at the sound of LJ’s voice. The AC rarely got rattled but he sounded it tonight.

He walked back to the triage room and Dwight looked at him. 

‘What have we got?’ he asked. 

Nothing urgent.’ Ross headed out to the door of the R & E. He moved to stand on the edge of the pad, taking out his cigarettes and lighting one. The moonlight made it easy to see and he looked down over the dark beach and then his thoughts drift in the quiet before the bird arrived. 

Bang on fifteen minutes, Susie came up over the bluff and set down. Ross chucked his butt and wandered over. Dwight and a couple of the GMOs were out offloading the casualties and he waved at Ross that he had everything under control.

Ross smiled and walked to Jim’s window, expecting his usual cheery greeting. Instead he got two perturbed faces and that immediately made him uneasy. 

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked. Jim exhaled sharply and Ross could read him well enough to see that he was as rattled as LJ had sounded. 

‘Weird ass shit.’ He shook it off and gave Ross a half-hearted smile. ‘It’s just made us jumpy.’

‘Ghost ship.’ LJ muttered. Jim threw him a sharp look.

‘Don’t start your superstitious bullshit.’ He sounded unhappy and that made Ross feel even worse. 

‘Jim.’ He fixed him with a look. ‘What happened?’

‘We got chased by a T-28.’ Jim shook his head. ‘And no-one’s able to tell us who the fuck it was.’

‘That sounds hinky as fuck.’ Ross felt a shiver go through him. 

‘That’s because it is.’ Jim huffed. The radio went and he and Ross both looked at LJ as he answered. 

‘Gotta go, Doc.’ LJ replaced the receiver. 

‘I’ll go round them up.’ Ross gave Jim a last smile, but it wasn’t as heartfelt as it could have been. Jim’s expression told him that he understood all too well. ‘I’ll see you later.’ 

‘Later, Doc.’ Jim closed the window as Ross turned and started back to triage. He didn’t need to call the other two as they were coming back to the bird, hands full of snacks for the ride. They gave him a muted greeting and Ross could see the whole bird was obviously feeling the same way as her pilots.

He watched Susie take off, her rotors blurring and the deep growl of her engine dying away as she headed back down towards the airfield and decided that he would definitely be going down to get the whole story out of them later.

*********

Susie touched down and Jim started to power down her engine. Next to him, LJ was completing the flight report and handed it to him. They didn’t say anything to each other, and neither did Flint and Benny. 

Jim undid his harness and got out the bird, taking off his helmet and sticking it on his seat. He dragged his fingers through his sweaty hair and made his way over to the Ops shack. Ortiz gave him a nod as he walked in. 

‘Still no word on that T-28.’ He said. ‘Also, Brady wants to see you before you go off duty.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim frowned. ‘You know why?’

‘No idea.’ Ortiz took his report from him and chucked it in the tray on his desk. 

Jim left the shack and headed for the brick building that held the administrative offices. He went in, getting a couple of greetings from other personnel as he walked to Brady’s office. When he got there, he rapped on the frosted glass pane in the door and waited for Brady to call him in. 

His CO was at his desk, and looked up when Jim came in. There was a half-smile on his face and a twinkle in his grey eyes. 

‘So you finally met the ghost plane.’ He gestured for Jim to sit. 

‘Yeah.’ Jim blinked in surprise and then sat down. ‘Do you know who it was, sir?’

‘No.’ Brady started rifling through some papers on his desk. ‘But I can tell you that we got buzzed by the same kind of thing back in ’64. Shook all of us up.’

‘It certainly did.’ Jim shifted in his seat. ‘If you’ll pardon my French, it scared the shit out of us a little bit, sir.’

‘Not surprising.’ Brady replied. ‘It’s happened to more of us than you’d think.’ He sighed. ‘Put it behind you and move on, that’s the best way to deal with it. Although it does make for a good drinking yarn. You can probably get at least three beers out of that one.’

That made Jim smile and relax a little. Brady was like that though, able to settle his men with his calm pragmatism. 

‘Now.’ He found the piece of paper he was looking for. ‘I have some news for you, which is a bit out of order. I’m not particularly happy with it, it’s going to fubar my schedule like nobody’s business but I’ve been up and down with the boys in brass who okay these things and they say it’s a done deal so…’ He leaned across the desk and handed Jim the piece of paper. ‘I suggest you get packing asap. Your flight out is at 09:00.’

‘What?’ Jim was completely taken aback. He scanned the paper and then the bottom fell out of his world. He didn’t even bother to try and hide his dismay when he looked at Brady. ‘How the hell did they mess this up?’

‘No-one can tell me that.’ Brady sat back in his chair. ‘I’m sorry Jim. But you’re getting on that bird today and heading out for R & R.’

‘Shit.’ Jim felt close to tears and frantically tried to still the anger that was threatening. He placed the sheet of paper on the desk and dug his nails into his palms. ‘This…I…’

‘I know.’ Something in Brady’s voice made him look up and Jim saw the sympathy on Brady’s face. ‘Maybe you can get yourself to wherever you need to be and talk to the person you’re obviously going to be meeting. Tell him what’s happened.’ That took the wind right out of Jim’s sails and he immediately tried to backtrack but Brady held up a hand.

‘Look, who you spend your R & R with is no business of mine, same as who you choose to spend your time with when you’re off duty. Just know that I can’t change this. I have tried.’

‘I know.’ Jim felt exhausted, all the emotions inside him making him feel like he really was going to start crying any second. ‘I’ll try and see him.’ He got up, feeling like he was about to be crushed under the weight of his disappointment and unhappiness. ‘Thank you, sir.’

‘I hope it works out.’ Brady replied and Jim left the office. 

He made almost all the way back before his feelings ran out of control and he lost it, putting his fist through one of the thin wooden walls on the dugout next to their hooch. The sound was enough to rouse the people inside and the others came out the hooch and saw Jim standing there swearing and nursing his now bleeding hand. 

‘Sweet Jesus!’ LJ came straight to him and pulled Jim’s hand away to look at it. ‘What the hell did you do that for?’ 

Jim was so angry he couldn’t even speak and it was at least ten minutes before he finally managed to get the story out. 

‘I don’t even have any goddamn time to go see him.’ He was so close to just hammering the hell out of something. Over his head, LJ looked at Flint. 

‘Go.’ He didn’t need to speak twice. Flint took off and LJ turned Jim around and herded him towards the hooch. ‘We get you packed and Flint can get Ross down here. We’ll figure somethin’ out. Don’t you worry.’ He looked at Benny. ‘Go get somethin’ to fix this up.’ 

‘Sure thing.’ Benny lumbered off and they went inside. Jim went to sit on the edge of his cot, and it all came crashing down on him. Before he knew it, he was snivelling like a kid with a skinned knee and try as he might, he just couldn’t stop. Tears ran down his cheeks and choked him up until he could hardly breathe. 

‘Fuck.’ LJ dropped to his knees in front of him. ‘Hey.’ He got Jim’s face in his hands. ‘It’s gonna be okay.’ 

‘No it’s not.’ Jim bit out. ‘This is the last time we get, and now…’ He couldn’t bring himself to finish the sentence. 

‘Don’t you fret, baby.’ LJ was trying his best to soothe him and he moved to sit next to Jim on the cot, pulling him into his arms and holding him tightly. ‘We’re gonna fix this.’

‘You can’t.’ Jim could hear how distraught he sounded and knew that his own emotional state had put LJ right there with him. ‘Fuck.’ He spat the word. ‘This goddamn motherfucking army!’

LJ looked up from him as Benny came crashing back into the hooch, stuff from his med kit on Susie in his hands. He came and took the place LJ had been occupying on the floor and pulled Jim’s hand towards him. He huffed and got to work, cleaning out the cuts and bits of splintered wood. 

‘You did a good job on this.’ he muttered. He got the bottle of iodine and poured some on a handful of cotton wool and laud it over Jim’s knuckles. Jim hissed in pain, but he was thankful for the distraction. 

‘So it’s now just after seven. LJ was calm again. ‘You leave at 0900. We got time for you to tell Ross what’s goin’ on. Maybe he can do something on his side.’

‘And maybe he can’t.’ Jim was bitter. ‘Maybe this is all goin’ to hell.’

‘Stop that.’ Lj’s voice was sharp. ‘You’re not a goddamn quitter, James. I don’t want to hear that kind of talk outta you.’ He looked at Benny, who nodded and stood up.  
‘It’s okay.’ he confirmed. ‘Nothin’ broken.’

‘Good.’ LJ didn’t let go though. He kept his arms right where they were and his quiet strength reminded Jim of Rob and the way he’d held him after his mother’s death. There was a reason he loved him like he was a second father. ‘Now you get Jim’s bag packed. Think you can manage that?’

‘No problem.’ Benny went and took down the duffle from the top of Jim’s locker. He opened it and set it on the cot and then got packing. 

*********

Ross was jerked out of sleep by someone hammering on the hooch door. He sat up, groggy and disoriented, but he responded automatically to what sounded like an urgent situation. 

He got the door unlocked, Dwight now also awake and sitting up in bed watching him. Ross opened it and then his heart leaped into his mouth when he saw Flint and his mind went straight to the worst possible scenario. 

‘It ain’t that.’ Flint had obviously read the fear on Ross’ face. ‘But you need to come down with me. There’s been a real fuck up and they’re shipping Jim out for R & R at 0900.’

‘What?’ Ross was astounded. ‘How the fuck…’ he turned and immediately went to grab his clothes. ‘Who the fuck authorised that?’

‘Don’t know.’ Flint stepped inside and closed the door. ‘But Brady said he’d tried to fix it and couldn’t.’

‘Fuck.’ Ross wrestled himself into his clothes and boots. ‘Okay, let’s go.’

They made it out the hooch, leaving Dwight behind and then hightailing it down to the main pick up station by the front of the 91st. Ross found a jeep and driver there and requisitioned it to take them down to the airfield. The driver didn’t question them, taking one look at Ross’ silver bars ad thinking better of it. Ross instructed him to haul ass and he obliged, getting them down to the airfield in record time. 

Ross hurled himself out the jeep and ran flat out through the hooches until they got to 51’s and then slammed through the door. His entrance was obviously a bit overdramatic because all three of the occupants jumped. 

‘And that’s our cue to leave.’ LJ said and hustled them all back out the hooch, leaving Ross and Jim alone. Ross stared at Jim, seeing how distressed he clearly was. He waited until the others were gone and then immediately went to him and sat down next to him, shocked to see that Jim’s face was tear-stained. 

‘Babe?’ he fell into the endearment without even thinking, his protective side coming out swinging at seeing how upset Jim clearly was. ‘It’s going to be okay.’

‘No Ross, it’s not.’ Jim looked utterly defeated and it tore Ross up inside. ‘Brady tried and brass just laughed him off.’ 

‘I don’t care.’ Ross wrapped his arms around him. ‘I’ll sort it out. Being a Captain does have some perks.’ 

‘I’m out of here in under two hours.’ Jim’s voice was flat. ‘Even if you could swing it, by the time anything was done I would be gone.’ 

‘I don’t care.’ Ross’ temper flared. ‘Look what’s the name of the place we’re supposed to go?’

‘Huh?’ Jim seemed confused and then let out a shuddering breath. ‘Hang on a second.’ He got up and went to his locker. He came back with his journal and scribbled down some information ripped the page out and handed it to Ross. ‘This ain’t gonna work.’ 

‘Let me handle that.’ Ross took the paper and stood up, tucking it in his pocket. ‘Get done with your packing and as soon as you’re out of here, I’m going straight to Anderson.’

He took Jim’s face in his hands and kissed him. Jim seemed to relax a little under Ross’ hands and then let out a deep breath when Ross let him go. 

‘I’m sorry.’ His voice was low and Ross hated how defeated he sounded. ‘I’m acting like an idiot.’

‘No.’ He kissed him again. ‘This is important to both of us. I’m not letting it go without a fight.’ 

Jim gave him a tearful smile. 

‘I love you.’ he said and Ross kissed him again and then pulled him in close. 

‘I love you too.’ he muttered into Jim’s hair. 

**********

Outside, Benny kicked at the sand with his boot. 

‘That sucks man.’ His mouth was downturned. ‘It ain’t fair.’

‘No, it ain’t.’ Flint had his arms folded. 

‘Shit.’ LJ shook his head. ‘He’s real cut up about it too.’

‘It ain’t like Jim.’ Benny looked unhappy. ‘I ain’t never seen him like that.’ 

‘It’s because he loves Ross.’ LJ explained. ‘And this is the last time they get to be together before Ross goes home.’ 

‘Yeah, but Jim’ll be going soon after.’ Benny pointed out. ‘He’ll see him then.’

‘Life’s not always that simple, kid.’ Flint said. ‘There ain’t no guarantees for them, not like for regular folks.’

‘It’s not right.’ Benny huffed, coming to sit next to LJ. Lj lit a cigarette and blew the smoke out as he looked up at the hooch. 

‘There’s a lot of things that ain’t right in this world.’ He handed the pack to Benny. ‘But you gotta learn to fight them.’

*********

Jim zipped his duffle closed. He was now packed, dressed and ready to head out. He took his garrison cap from the shelf in his locker and put it on. Unlike leave, he wasn’t required to be dressed in his khakis for this trip. 

‘Guess I should get moving.’ He was now morose and Ross wanted nothing more than to hold him and chase his sadness away. 

‘You want me to come with you to the strip?’ he asked and Jim shook his head. 

‘No.’ He swallowed hard. ‘This is hard enough.’ He put his cap on and picked up his bag. 

‘Well don’t get too comfortable.’ Ross tried to make his tone light. ‘I’m coming to get you.’

They stood awkwardly for a moment, then Jim shifted the duffle on his shoulder and moved towards Ross. He placed one hand at the back of Ross’ neck and pulled him down.

‘Get your ass to Bangkok, Doc.’ His dimples flickered just the tiniest bit. ‘I don’t want to spend the whole damn week drinking myself sane.’

‘I’m going to try.’ Ross leaned in and pressed their foreheads together. 

‘Jim?’ LJ was leaning in the door, not quite looking at them. ‘Time to go, buddy.’

‘Yeah.’ Jim looked up into Ross’ eyes and Ross felt his heart ache. ‘I’ll see you later, Doc.’ 

‘Not if I see you first.’ He retorted and this time the dimples actually came out for a brief moment. 

‘Asshole.’ Jim stood up on his toes and the kiss he gave Ross was soft. Then he left the hooch and Ross was left standing there feeling bereft. 

He waited until he heard them all move off and then came out of the hooch, his mind working overtime. Then he noticed that not everyone had gone with Jim. Flint was standing there, arms folded and a determined look on his face. 

‘So?’ He straightened up and looked Ross straight in the eye. ‘How the hell are we going to get you to Bangkok?’

‘I don’t actually know.’ Ross said, striding past him. ‘But I am going to go find out.’ 

‘In that case, I’m coming with you.’ Flint fell into step with him. ‘You can get Demelza on your side.’

‘Is that going to help?’ Ross asked, speeding up. 

‘Can’t hurt.’ Flint kept pace with him. 

They couldn’t get a ride and had to walk all the way back to the 91st. Ross went straight to the admin block. Anderson was on duty and he was usually there during the shift, going over all the necessary things that running the 91st required during the day.

He found Anderson in a storage room after going past his office and seeing it was empty. Flint had scooted off to go and enlist Demelza’s help. He crashed into the room and Anderson looked at him, surprise on his face. 

‘Ross?’ He frowned. ‘Is something wrong?’

‘No.’ Ross was breathing heavily from his half-walk, half-run up the hill. ‘But I really really need to ask for your help.’

They went back to Anderson’s office and Ross closed the door. Anderson sat down and invited Ross to do the same. 

‘So what can I do for you?’ He leaned back in his seat, green eyes curious. 

‘I need to go on R & R today.’ Ross said. ‘Tomorrow at the latest.’

‘Is this a joke?’ Anderson sat up. ‘I can’t authorise something like that.’ He frowned. ‘What is this about?’

Ross looked at him, knowing that whatever he said next, he was probably going to either get what he wanted or get kicked out of the 91st. 

‘I had plans to send my R and R with someone.’ He explained. ‘And today they got bumped up. No-one knows why but they’re on their way to Bangkok as we speak and this is the last time we can be together before I have to ship out and go back stateside.’

‘Oh.’ Anderson seemed a little shocked by this. ‘I didn’t know you were involved with anyone.’ He sighed. ‘I’d like to help you, Ross. But if she’s nursing staff, there’s no way I can swing it at the moment.’ He held out both hands in a helpless gesture. ‘Besides, it’s not urgent enough to warrant an intervention.’

‘You don’t understand.’ Ross took a deep breath. ‘The person I’m talking about is in a position where they are frontline.’ Even saying the words aloud hurt more than he could imagine. ‘This might be the last time we can be together.’

Now Anderson looked completely bemused. 

‘I don’t understand.’ He sat forward. ‘What does your girlfriend do that she’s front line?’ 

‘Well that’s the thing sir.’ Ross steeled himself. ‘I don’t have a girlfriend.’

‘Ross…’ Anderson was now looking at him strangely. ‘Exactly who are we talking about?’

‘I…’ Ross swallowed nervously. ‘Sir, I’m involved with Warrant Officer Hawkins.’ The words came out in a flood of trepidation. ‘He’s the one I’m talking about.’ He waited for the reaction and Anderson didn’t disappoint. 

First he looked astonished and then his face grew stern.

‘Captain Poldark.’ He sounded very unsure. ‘I need to caution you from saying anything else.’ He shook his head. ‘You know the regulations…’

‘With all due respect sir, I don’t give a damn about the regulations.’ Ross could hear how desperate he sounded. ‘You know the regulations are all about keeping the status quo. I look at Demelza and see how she’s been denied R & R in Hawaii because of who she wants to go with, when Dwight and Caroline didn’t even have to jump any hoops to get it. I know that I’m taking a huge risk by telling you that I’m in love with a man, that you would have every right to throw me out on my ass and ship me home on an 89.’ His voice got tight with the anger that had been brewing for so long and it spilled out beyond his control. ‘The truth of this is that Jim could come home in a week, go out on a mission the next day and get blown out the goddamn sky and I wouldn’t even have the right to mourn him.’ He was shaking, his emotions running away with him. ‘Please, sir. I just want the chance to be with him.’

‘Christ.’ Anderson now looked like Ross had just revealed he was secretly working for the VC. ‘Ross…I…’ he stopped and then pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘What the hell do you want me to do?’

‘Understand.’ Ross placed both hands on the desk to stop them shaking. ‘Please.’

‘Shit.’ Anderson inhaled and exhaled in a blow of air. ‘I had no idea.’

‘We keep it quiet.’ Ross sat back, all his adrenaline at revealing himself starting to ebb. ‘You know we have to.’

‘I do and I understand.’ Anderson sighed. ‘But I am a little surprised. I knew about Clay and Reynolds, but not you.’

‘You know about them?’ Now it was Ross’ turn to be shocked. 

‘I know.’ Anderson shook his head. ‘Jesus Christ.’ He gave Ross a wry grin. ‘And I would never throw you out on your ass, Ross. You’re one of the most outstanding doctors that I’ve seen come through the 91st or through my own ER back home. I would be an idiot to let something you have no control over dictate what happens to you professionally or tell anyone about what’s essentially none of my business.’ 

‘So you’ll help?’ Ross felt the first flicker of hope.

‘I’ll do what I can.’ Anderson said. ‘But you’ll owe me.’

‘I will owe you everything.’ Ross could hardly contain himself. 

‘It won’t be today.’ Anderson said. ‘I can’t work miracles.’

‘That’s all right.’ Ross broke out into a huge smile. ‘I can work with that.’ He got up. ‘Thank you so much, sir.’ 

‘Yeah, well my wife would never forgive me for standing in the way of true love.’ Anderson said and the dryness was back. He sighed. ‘Now get the hell out of my office Ross and let me see what I can do.’

Ross nodded and left, shutting the door behind him. His exhilaration was quickly being replaced by something that was almost nausea as he realised what he’d just done. Then he heard footsteps and looked down the corridor to see Flint and Demelza approaching.

‘Ross?’ demelza’s voice was full of concern. ‘Is everything okay?’

‘I actually think it might be.’ he replied and then nearly fell over from relief. 

‘Shit man.’ Flint came to his side. ‘You look like you’re about to pass out.’

‘He’s right.’ Demelza agreed. ‘You’ve gone white.’

‘I told Anderson.’ Ross could feel how hard his heart was pounding. ‘I told him about me and Jim.’

‘What?’ Flint looked shocked. ‘Was that a good idea?’

‘I think it was.’ Demelza said before Ross could answer. ‘I’m right, aren’t I?’

‘He seems okay with it.’ Ross confirmed. ‘He’s going to see what he can do.’

‘Then can I suggest that while he does, we go get some coffee.’ Demelza took his arm. ‘You look like you need it.’

They went to the canteen and got coffee and breakfast. Ross sat and picked at his eggs, still wondering just where he’d gotten the courage to tell Anderson the truth. 

‘I must be fucking crazy.’ he muttered. ‘What the hell have I done?’ His earlier bravado was now lost in crushing insecurity. 

‘You did the right thing, Ross.’ Demelza said. ‘And you’re right. This is something that you and Jim need. You face completely different risks to most.’ She looked at Flint and he nodded. ‘I understand how much it means when one of you could go out there and die.’ 

Flint’s black eyes grew sad for a moment and he took her hand and she covered it with her other one. 

‘Dem’s right.’ He looked at Ross. ‘You already have to give up so much. You need to fight for this.’

‘Shit.’ Ross put his head in his hands. ‘This is going to kill me.’

‘Maybe not.’ Demelza said and something in her voice made Ross look up at her. ‘Anderson’s heading this way.’

‘Christ, already?’ Ross felt his stomach lurch. ‘That can’t be good.’ He took a deep breath and then stood up as Anderson got to their table. ‘Sir?’

‘The thong about getting stuff done in the army is simple.’ Anderson sounded serious but his green eyes were twinkling. ‘Always make it seem like the favour you’ll owe is bigger than the favour you’re asking for.’ He put a hand on Ross’ shoulder. ‘You’re on the first bird out tomorrow, 0900.’ 

Ross felt himself sag with relief. 

‘Thank you sir.’ He started smiling so widely his face ached. ‘And I owe you big.’

‘Yes, you do.’ Anderson grinned at him. ‘Looks like you’re going to get to keep your date after all.’ He gave Demelza and Flint a nod and then walked off. 

‘Holy shit.’ Demelza was smiling like a woman possessed. ‘You know he’s going to collect.’ 

‘I’m counting on it.’ Ross sat back down. ‘Fuck, I don’t care. He can make me work doubles until I ship out.’ 

All his worries seemed to slip away in that moment and he picked up his fork and attacked his breakfast with renewed enthusiasm. Demelza shook her head at him. 

‘You’re so in love with him it’s sickening.’ she teased and Ross raised an eyebrow at her then looked at Flint. Flint chuckled. 

‘She ain’t lyin’ he said. 

‘No she is not.’ Ross smiled at both of them over his coffee cup. ‘So any advice before I go?’

‘Don’t eat the food.’ Flint laughed. ‘Gave me the runs last time.’ Demelza chuckled and then looked at Ross.

‘You know where to find him?’ she asked and Ross tapped his breast pocket. 

‘He gave me the name of the place.’ He downed the rest of his coffee. ‘Shouldn’t be hard to find.’ He grinned at Demelza. ‘If you want anything you need to make me a list.’

‘Oh I think you’re going to be too busy to go and do shopping for me.’ Demelza laughed. ‘Just go and have a good time and don’t worry about a thing for a change.’ 

‘Okay.’ Ross said. ‘I will.’


	17. Pale Blue Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bangkok. All puns fully intended.

The flight to Bangkok was on an Army bird out of Da Nang. Ross caught the slick up the next morning with seven others, none of them as high ranking as he was. They all gave him sidelong looks until they caught sight of his Medic badge and then they were friendly as could be.

Ross knew why. It was wearing and the enlisted men were not as content as the propaganda would have everyone believe. Verity kept him abreast of the news back home, the protests and marches and the growing anger that was felt the longer this war dragged on. There was suspicion and hostility towards officers, but as a medic he was seen as one of the good guys. A couple of them quizzed him about where he was going but Ross didn’t give much away.

In truth he wasn’t really sure where he was going. The US Army had their own hotel where almost everyone who was enlisted stayed for the duration of their R & R, although he was able to go to a place of his choosing so long as he paid for it himself.

The place Jim had written down was not anywhere he was familiar with. Some of the others had told him about places in the city, Clayton and Reynolds in particular. He now knew there were bars and hotels where what he and Jim would be doing would not be out of the ordinary. The biggest threat to them would actually be from the MPs or other GIs so they would still have to be discreet.

Ross didn’t care though. It wasn’t like he and Jim would be going anywhere.

The bird came down in Da Nang, and after processing Ross transferred to the Pan Am jet liner that would take him to Bangkok, only a two hour flight away. He stowed his duffle, took his seat and fastened his seat belt. Once they were in the air, a smartly dressed stewardess offered him a soft drink and Ross accepted it and sipped as he waited for the No Smoking sign to go off and then lit a cigarette.

His knee was jumping as he sat back and thought about the next six days and what they would bring. The trip before had been filled with trepidation in the face of them being together for the first time by themselves. This time was different. This time they already knew each other, were comfortable with each other. This time wouldn’t be about exploration but about indulgence. This would be a chance to really take advantage of their time alone and Ross fully intended to.

He was sick to death of their fleeting moments, the rushed fucks that only scratched the surface of the need he had, that Jim had. There was never enough time for either of them, but these six days were going to let them have a little bit of that back.

The other thing of course was that looming deadline. The end of October wasn’t far away and when it came Ross would be on his way back to the US. He had his orders in his possession - that much desired piece of paper that had the date he was shipping out written on it in black and white. Ordinarily that was something that most people waited for their entire tour but to Ross it just meant leaving Jim sooner and that was the last thing he wanted.

The flight went smoothly and before Ross knew it they were touching down. He waited for the seatbelt sign to go off and then undid it and got up, taking down his bag and making sure he was one of the first off. He had no compunction about using his rank here, knowing that the faster he got processed the faster he would get to Jim.  
They came down onto the tarmac, and the heat and humidity here was even more dense than in Chu Lai. Ross felt like if he swiped a hand through the air, it would come away wet. As per regulations they were shepherded into a room inside the terminal and given the usual speech by a USO representative. Once the warnings were done, they were divided into groups. One would get taken to their Army approved hotels with a voucher in hand to cover their stay and the other consisted of people like him who had chosen to make their own ways in the city.

From the airport, he caught a cab. The driver spoke broken English and Ross handed him the piece of paper that Jim had given him. He got a grin and then they were off, driving hell for leather through streets crowded with people and animals and vehicles the like of which Ross had never seen. He watched out the windows, fascinated by what he was seeing.

The cab took him downtown past streets lined with bars and clubs, open even thought it was only lunch time. It was a hive of activity but then they took a turn into a quieter street and Ross started to wonder if they were going the wrong way.

The cab finally stopped outside what didn’t look like much. Ross started to object, thinking he’d been taken for a ride but his driver made a lot of assuring hand gestures and smiled at him, gesturing to the door next to the cab.

Ross finally got out after paying the driver his five buck fare and went to the door. It was unremarkable. Ross did note that there was bar and that the door seemed to lead to whatever was over it, a three storey building that didn’t look like much. He went to the door and opened it and stepped inside a thankfully air-conditioned lobby.  
It was bare of anything, with a hatch in the wall that led onto an office. A short middle aged man was sitting there and when he saw Ross come in, he smiled and addressed him in perfect English.

‘Good day, sir.’ he said and Ross’ eyebrows went up in surprise.

‘Good morning.’ he replied.

‘Can I help you?’ The man stood up and Ross went over to the counter. He looked around and took in the seeming anonymity of the place he’d found himself in. Unease set in and the man obviously saw it in his face.

‘It’s all right, sir.’ His voice was reassuring. ‘We are a very discreet establishment. I assume you were recommended.’

That made Ross frown until he realised just what the man was alluding to.

‘I’m not…’ He started to deny his reason for being there but the man held up a hand.

‘As I said, discretion is part of our business.’ He folded his hands on the counter. ‘We are simply here to offer you a service.’

For some reason that seemed to make Ross feel a little more at ease. He took a deep breath.

‘I’m supposed to be meeting someone.’ he said and the man nodded.

‘We don’t take names here.’ He smiled again. ‘For obvious reasons. Could you describe your friend to me?’

‘Short and blond.’ Ross said and the man nodded.

‘Yes.’ he confirmed. ‘He arrived yesterday, although he is out at present. He told me you might be arriving but that he couldn’t be sure. Some problem with travel arrangements.’

‘Something like that.’ Ross felt his heart rate pick up when he realised he was standing in the very place Jim was. Not only that, but he seemed to be in an establishment that knew exactly why they had come here and catered specifically for people of their persuasion. Now curiosity set in and he wondered just how many GIs and officers came through those doors.

‘Well in that case I shall require a twenty dollar deposit.’ The man held out a hand. ‘For the key.’ He looked back into the office and called to someone Ross couldn’t see, then turned back. ‘We also have anything that you might require.’

‘Like what?’ Ross was now intrigued as to just what could be on offer.

‘We have drink, cigarettes.’ The man took a key from a hook next to him. ‘If you require something else, we can make arrangements.’ His smile was knowing. ‘Anything you require.’

‘Do you have whisky?’ Ross felt like he needed a serious drink to reconcile his brain with what was happening.

‘Of course.’ The man turned again and called and this time another man, much younger and very effeminate in his mannerisms and dress, came from the room beyond the office with a bottle of single malt. He handed it over and Ross parted with another forty dollars. It was steep but he didn’t care. It wasn’t like he spent his pay on much else.  
Now in possession of his key, Ross listened to the man’s brief instructions on how to get to his room he would be sharing with Jim and told him where the ice machine was. He thanked the man and went to the staircase and climbed up until he was on the first floor.

Here the floors were bare wood and as Ross moved down the corridor he could hear the sounds of people and music coming from the bar below. As he’d suspected, he heard nothing that indicated that any of the room’s occupants were female. Jim’s room was at the end of the corridor and overlooking the road at the front. Ross unlocked the door and went in.

The room was square with a bathroom to the immediate left. Ross immediately saw that it was definitely Jim’s, with his journal on the nightstand and some of his other things scattered around. It was spacious, something that surprised him, and dominated by a bed and a couple of wooden tables either side. That seemed to be it as far as furniture went, apart from a chest of drawers. There was a steel ice bucket and some glasses and an ash tray on top. The room smelt a little ripe, sweat and the unmistakeable tang of sex still permeating the air.

The bed was unmade. The white sheets seemed clean enough but they were rumpled as if the sleeper had been thrashing around and Ross knew that Jim had obviously had a restless night. Unlike the lobby, up here there was no air conditioning and the room felt stifling. The window was closed and Ross dumped his bag on the floor next to Jim’s, which was standing by the bathroom door, and went to open it and then moved to turn on the ceiling fan.

The breeze was welcoming and he went back to the window and leaned on the sill, looking out through the filmy curtains. There were far fewer people here and Ross took a moment to enjoy the sights and sounds of a completely foreign city. After a few moments, he turned back and decided to check out the rest of the room. When he got to the bathroom, he saw something that made him gasp in delight.

There was a bathtub.

Ross hadn’t had a bath in over a year, not since he’d shipped out for basic training, and he’d never ever thought he’d miss it as much as he would. His father had always dismissed baths as purely a feminine activity but Ross loved them. Now standing there and looking at the claw foot tub that could have probably held four people, he knew exactly what he wanted to do.

Ross’ first stop was at the ice machine on the landing and then back to the room. He chucked a few cubes into one of the tumblers on the drawers and then poured a four finger shot into the glass. It was actually a very good whisky and he sipped it as he went into the bathroom, put the plug in and started the water going. It fogged up the mirror and filled the bathroom with clouds of steam and Ross put his glass on the edge of the tub, went back into the room and started getting undressed. He took his clothes off, and kicked his shoes into the corner then padded barefoot and naked into the bathroom with his cigarettes and lighter.

The tub was now filled sufficiently and Ross turned off the water and got in, sucking air in through his teeth as he lowered himself into the hot water. He knew he was probably going to be overheating himself, but it felt so good on muscles that screamed out from overuse and hours standing and running around the triage that he didn’t give a fuck if he did.

He lay back in the water, letting out a deep sigh and then leaned over the edge for his cigarettes, shaking one out the pack and clenching it between his teeth as he lit it. He inhaled deeply and then blew out a cloud of smoke, put the pack back down and reached for his whisky.

Two smokes later and Ross was feeling wonderful. His skin was pink from the heat, but his back felt amazingly loose. The whisky was also doing its job and weeks of tension melted away as he lay still and closed his eyes. He had no idea when Jim was coming back, hadn’t even thought to ask, but he felt like he could probably lie like this a little longer.

The click of the door opening barely roused him and Ross took another deep breath and waited for the inevitable discovery. He heard Jim’s low chuckle and cracked open an eye. He was leaning in the doorway, dressed in his civvies and grinning at Ross. His dimples were so deep it seemed like his face was caving in.

‘Do I even want to know how the fuck you pulled this off?’ he asked.

‘No.’ Ross replied. ‘But Anderson now knows about us.’ Jim raised his eyebrows at him and then sighed, a resigned look on his face.

‘I suppose that’s the price we have to pay.’ he remarked. ‘You seemed to be making yourself comfortable, I notice.’

‘You know the last time I had a bath?’ Ross couldn’t even bring himself to move, he was so comfortable.

‘I’ll bet.’ Jim pushed off from the door frame and came over to the bathtub. He leaned down and Ross tilted his head back. The kiss was soft and lingering and when Jim pulled back from his, his eyes were shining.

‘I’m glad you’re here, Doc.’ he murmured. Ross leaned up a little for another kiss and Jim gave it to him and then straightened up. ‘Don’t dissolve in there.’

‘I won’t.’ Ross watched him walk out the bathroom and then sighed happily and sank back down in the water.

He lay there until it finally got cold and his fingertips were wrinkled. Ross could smell the aromatic scent of grass coming in from the next room and knew that Jim was obviously kicking back. He shifted and then made the colossal effort to get up. He eventually managed to haul himself out the tub and went to grab one of the thin towels on the rack, giving himself the barest once over and wrapping the towel around his waist before he went into the bedroom.

Jim was propped up on the pillows, shirt off to combat the heat and a book on his lap. There was a joint in the corner of his mouth and the particles of smoke hung in the air, catching the muted light that came in through the now closed curtains which still fluttered in the breeze coming in from outside. In spite of that, Jim’s skin had a soft gleam from the sheen of sweat that seemed to be as much of a given here as it was in Vietnam. He looked up from the pages of his book and his light eyes widened a little.

‘Goddamn, Doc.’ He inhaled on the joint and then placed it in the ashtray on the night stand. ‘You gotta warn me before you come in dressed like that.’

Yeah?’ Ross grinned and leaned in the doorway, one hand on his hip as he affected what he hoped was an alluring pose. ‘You like what you see, Hawk?’

‘Hell yeah.’ Jim smiled and his dimples caved in. ‘Very goddamn much. You should walk around in an itty bitty towel more often.’

‘I’ll be sure to remember that.’ Ross laughed. He sauntered over to the bed. ‘So are you going to make a move or did I come all the way to Bangkok for nothing?’

‘I still want to know how the fuck you did it.’ Jim laughed. ‘And what Anderson’s reaction was.’

‘Not what I expected.’ Ross moved to stand at the side of the bed. ‘Although I might never see you again if Anderson makes me pull all the doubles I think he’s going to for swinging this.’

‘So worth it though.’ Jim put one hand behind his head and Ross’ eyes dropped to see that he was definitely having an effect judging from the growing tightness of Jim’s jeans. He was also aware of his own body’s reaction and the towel was quickly becoming dislodged so he looked up and their eyes locked.

‘Definitely worth it.’ He wet his lips, aware of how his mouth had become dry. Jim caught the look and ran his other hand over himself. His smile turned slightly feral.

‘So I have an idea, Doc.’ His voice had the low suggestive tone that went right through Ross. ‘How about you get rid of that towel and come over here?’

‘I think I can do that.’ Ross could feel his heart starting to race. He brought one hand down and flicked the towel just enough so that it fell around his feet. His cock was already half-hard and he took a few steps towards the bed, half expecting Jim to come and meet him. Instead he was faced with a raised eyebrow and a long stare that made him flush, his arousal combatting any embarrassment at how Jim was looking at him with such obvious desire.

‘Come here, baby.’ Jim held out one hand to him.

Ross got to the edge of the bed and then had a thought. He turned and went to his bag, crouching down to unzip it and dig around before coming out with hat he needed. Then he came back, chucking the KY on the bed next to Jim and crawled on. He could feel the heaviness of his cock, now completely hard and he kept his eyes fixed on Jim as he crawled over him. He would never normally be this bold, but there was something about being far away from everyone and in a place where he knew he could do anything he wanted, ask for anything he wanted.

He got halfway up Jim’s body and lowered enough to nuzzle along the line of Jim’s equally hard cock, clearly visible through his faded jeans, and Jim inhaled sharply and arched up just enough that Ross knew that he was every bit as aroused as he was.

‘Hell, Doc.’ He blew out a soft breath. ‘You tryin’ to kill me?’

‘No.’ Ross looked into the blue-green and Jim’s breathing hitched. ‘I’m just trying to make sure you know what I want.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim reached for him and Ross let himself be pulled up, Jim’s hands guiding him until he was sitting on his lap, legs either side of Jim’s thighs and his cock rubbing up against Ross’ ass. ‘And what do you want, Ross?’

Ross looked down at him, then smiled and linked his arms around Jim’s neck before leaning down to breathe over his mouth.

‘Fuck me.’ It came out soft, barely audible. The effect it had was noticeable though. Jim’s pupils dilated even as Ross watched and he ran his hands down Ross’ flanks.

‘Fuck, you’re beautiful.’ It was said with reverence and then he moved one hand to the back of Ross’ neck and pulled him into a gentle kiss, taking his time as he coaxed Ross’ mouth open. Ross melted into it, the kiss undoing him and making him pliant. It felt so good, the slow brush of Jim’s tongue against his own, and he moved so he was rocking down on Jim’s cock.

Jim moaned into his open mouth and Ross sank his fingers into Jim’s short hair and closed his eyes, letting go and getting lost in their kisses. He had missed this most of all, those lazy heated kisses that had always led to something else while they were in Bali, the soft ones that had greeted him at the beginning of each new day and the familiar ones that were given in passing as Jim moved past him, accompanied by drifting fingers and a dimpled smile.

He missed all their small intimacies and could feel that Jim was just as lost, his hands gentle and his mouth moving from Ross’ to drop light kisses along Ross jaw and down the side of his neck. Ross tilted his head and let out a deep breath, his entire focus coming down to the feel of Jim’s mouth on his skin.

Jim licked over his pulse and then pulled back. He reached up and brushed Ross’ damp hair out of his eyes. Ross smiled back at him, his heart nearly bursting with the love that threatened to overflow and drown him.

‘When you look at me like that, I feel like nothing can touch me.’ Jim ran his thumb lightly over Ross’ mouth.

‘You’re going to jinx us.’ Ross warned him, kissing the thumb and then catching it between his teeth. Jim huffed a laugh and thrust up against him, making Ross gasp audibly and let go.

‘So about me fucking you.’ He made it sound almost conversational. ‘Maybe we should stop talking and get to it.’ His hands were back and running over Ross’s chest, his fingers threading through the thick hair on Ross’ chest to find his nipples. Ross hissed at the first touch and Jim gave him a crooked smile as he rolled them between his fingers and made Ross tip his head back as he started to pant.

Jim wrapped his arms around him and held on tightly and bent his head, lightly licking over one nipple, and Ross was lost. He was stupidly hard now, his cock rubbing up against Jim’s stomach and leaving a little smear of shine. Jim made a lovely low growling sound and latched on to him, sucking at his nipple and flicking his tongue over it as he held it between his teeth.

Ross moaned and threw out one hand to catch the headboard as he lost control of himself and arched into Jim’s mouth. He put his other hand on Jim’s shoulder to steady them and Jim moved across to the other nipple. He took his time, teasing and licking and blowing little wisps of cool air over Ross’ skin and then taking it back in. It was maddening and Ross could hear himself getting louder and more strident.

He was on the verge of throwing Jim off and jumping on him when Jim caught him off guard and Ross found himself being flipped over, landing on his back. Jim was now kneeling over him, their places switched. He placed one hand to Ross’ chest and shoved him flat against the bed.

‘Stay.’ It was rough and Ross threw both hands up by his head in submission and whined when Jim came down, teeth scraping over his nipple as one hand wrapped around his cock and stroked him in a steady rhythm that had his head spinning.

Jim sucked a little harder in reply and his hand sped up until Ross could only lie there and moan shamelessly at how good it felt. He felt around for the lube and then whacked Jim on the arm with it. Jim came up for air and saw what he had and then grinned at him. Ross smiled back and watched him take the tube and open it, coating the fingers of his right hand. Then he came down again, kissing Ross’ mouth open and licking inside as he ran slick fingers over Ross’ cock and trailed them down, circling lightly before he pressed in and Ross gasped as one went in.

They had done this more often since they had come back, but it was still so new to him. Jim went slowly though, easing his finger in and out until it was moving unimpeded.

‘That’s it, Doc.’ He sounded broken already. ‘Fuck, your ass is so tight.’ He leaned down and Ross watched that pink tongue flick out again, teasing his nipple with the tip until he wanted to scream.

‘God…’ He really couldn’t say anything else.

Jim laughed softly and withdrew before easing in two fingers and starting to fuck him slowly with them. Ross gripped the sheet in both hands and spread his legs wide, pushing back into them. He wanted it so badly, wanted to feel Jim going deep inside him.

‘That’s it.’ Jim was back over him. ‘Gonna get you all wet, baby.’ He pulled his fingers out and a few seconds later they were back, bringing more lube. They went in easy and Jim curled them on the way out and Ross bucked as the jolt of pleasure almost knocked him out.

‘Fuck.’ He bit down on his lower lip and Jim leaned down again.

‘Ross.’ His voice was commanding. ‘Look at me.’

Ross opened his eyes and looked up. Jim’s eyes were hazy with pleasure and lust and he felt a shiver go through him. The persistent way Jim’s fingers were rubbing over his prostate was setting off little shockwaves inside him and he clenched hard around them, pleased at the way Jim moaned.

‘Do it.’ he breathed. ‘I want you.’

Jim nodded, sitting back on his heels to undo his jeans and shoved them down around his thighs, hard cock springing free. Ross could see he was wet.

‘Turn over.’ Jim ordered. Unable to resist, Ross did as he asked, feeling a rush of excitement when Jim pulled him open, taking his time and rubbing his thumb over Ross again and again, letting it slide in and out a few times.

Ross heard the sound of clothing being adjusted and felt Jim’s cock slide over him. He caught his breath as Jim started to push in. The burn subsided quickly, the lube and Jim’s ministrations doing their work and bringing pleasure in its place. Jim still took it slowly, going inch by inch until he was all the way in. Ross turned his face into the bed and let all his feelings out, his cries muffled by the mattress as Jim started to move. He drove in slowly, pulling out halfway before he thrust back in again.

‘You like that, baby?’ He was braced on both hands either side of Ross. ‘Does it feel good when I fuck you deep like this?’

‘Yes.’ Ross shuddered as his whole body was suffused with heat. He felt Jim push his legs further apart and then he was being grabbed by the hips and hauled up until his ass was in the air. That made the head of Jim’s cock slide over his prostate and Ross could only howl as Jim started to drive in hard, their bodied impacting loudly in the still room. He twisted the sheet until his knuckles were white and Jim ran one hand down his spine, using his leverage to up his pace.

It felt glorious, the sensation of Jim ploughing into him driving all conscious thought out of Ross’ head until all he could do was hold on and scream. He managed to brace himself enough to reach for his own cock and then it slammed into him and he went rigid as he came hard enough to make Jim swear and grab him by the hips as he went in as deep as he could, bowing back and coming just as hard.

Ross could feel it inside him, could feel the way his body kept going. He was shaking all over, bearing down around Jim’s cock as the aftershocks hit him. Jim was lying across his back as he finally stopped and rested back on his hands.

They stayed like that for a while until Jim finally seem to recover enough to dot kisses along Ross’ spine as he straightened up and then eased out. Ross fell face down onto the bed, endorphins flooding his bloodstream and making him smile goofily into the bedsheets. He could feel the wetness on the inside of his thighs, the slow trickle of semen out of him, and it was as close to perfect as he’d ever felt.

Jim got off the bed and shucked his jeans, then came back and lay down next to him. He reached for his cigarettes and lit one. Ross listened to him inhale and exhale deeply before rolling onto his side. He squinted up at Jim, watching him smoke before reaching out and stealing the cigarette from his lips. Jim smiled down at him and Ross met his gaze.

‘Surprise.’ he murmured and Jim snorted with laughter.

‘Asshole.’ he retorted, nothing but love in his voice.

**********

The rest of the afternoon passed in a similar vein until it was about seven. That was when Ross’s stomach decided it was dinner time and growled loudly.

Next to him, Jim grinned and stroked one hand over the offending body part affectionately.

‘We should get up.’ He stretched. ‘I’m hungry too.’

‘Where are we going?’ Ross watched him roll to the side of the bed and sit up. There were scratch marks down Jim’s tanned back and Ross smiled to himself, delighted at the evidence he’d left behind.

‘Downstairs.’ Jim half turned and looked at him. ‘The bar does really good food.’

They got cleaned up and dressed and headed out. Ross followed in Jim’s footsteps until they hit the street and Jim took him to the bar next door. The music was now a lot louder and the neon signs had been switched on. There were a couple of men standing out front blocking the entrance, but they parted when Jim walked towards them and gave him and Ross a nod before they went inside.

The front room was like any other bar Ross had been in. It had a polished wooden counter to one side and the other housed a succession of booths. There were tables and chairs and the mirrored wall behind the bar reflected the interior, lit in pink and red light. At the far end was a tiny dance floor but it was obscured by curls of smoke hovering in the air. The whole place smelled like sweat and aftershave in abundance and it was very hot, something that seemed to be more than standard.

At first impression there was nothing out of the ordinary but as Ross followed Jim down and to an empty booth, he suddenly had the realisation that the only women in the place were the servers. His eyes widened as he got to the booth and slid onto the seat opposite Jim.

‘Is this a gay bar?’ He hissed it across the table and Jim smiled as he took his cigarettes out.

‘You ain’t never been in one?’ he asked and Ross shook his head.

‘Is it safe?’ he looked around and noted the presence of a couple of men who were clearly American as well as a large proportion of clearly local clientele.

‘Yeah, it is.’ Jim lifted a hand to catch the attention of one of the waitresses and lit his cigarette. ‘Don’t worry baby, it’s cool.’ He exhaled. ‘This is Tran’s bar. He’s very careful about who gets to come inside, which is why those guys are on the door. If they don’t know you, you don’t come in. There ain’t no passing trade here.’

‘Tran?’ Ross frowned.

‘You met him yesterday.’ Jim grinned. ‘He also owns the hotel.’

‘Oh.’ Ross didn’t get to ask anything else because a woman arrived at the table and then let out a high pitched squeal.

‘You bad boy!’ Her English was heavily accented and to Ross’ untrained ear it was almost unintelligible. ‘Why you no say you come back. I have to find out from Tran.’

‘Hi Malai.’ Jim was smiling. He half stood and kissed the woman on the cheek. Ross noticed that she was stunningly beautiful, her black hair carefully styled and her long fingernails painted crimson to match her silk mini-dress. ‘I’m sorry, I was only supposed to be here in three weeks.’

Malai huffed and ran one hand down his arm.

‘I forgive you this time.’ She was now looking at Ross with open curiosity. ‘This your new man?’

‘Uh huh.’ Jim was smiling, dimples out. ‘This is Ross.’

‘Nice to meet you.’ Ross said, not sure how to proceed. He’d heard about bar girls and their particular function in Bangkok, but that was clearly not the case here.

‘He very handsome.’ Malai said approvingly. ‘You choose well.’

‘Thank you.’ Jim was now clearly trying not to laugh at the bemusement on Ross’ face. ‘I think so too.’

‘I get you drinks.’ Malai stated and then walked off without asking them what they wanted and Ross rounded on Jim.

‘What the hell was that?’ he asked and Jim chuckled.

‘My first time here when I came on R and R, I was kind of wet behind the ears.’ He tapped the ash off his cigarette and leaned on his hand. ‘I didn’t know dick. Anyway one night I kind of hit on the wrong person and ended up getting into a fight. Malai and a bunch of her friends saved me. They told me I was in the wrong part of town for what I was looking for and brought me here.’ He looked over at where Malai was shouting at the barman in Thai. ‘Malai basically decided that for the duration of my stay she would take me under wing and show me around and make sure I didn’t get into any more trouble.’

‘I see.’ Ross looked over at the bar. ‘I guess I was just surprised by the fact that she’s a woman. Not who I expected you to be spending your time with.’

Now Jim did laugh, loud and clearly very amused by what Ross had just said.

‘Yeah.’ he drawled, eyes sparkling. ‘She really does pass, doesn’t she?’ He looked at Ross expectantly and then the penny dropped.

‘No.’ Ross couldn’t believe it. He looked back at Malai, who was now loading up her tray. ‘She’s…’

‘Yep.’ Jim’s nose was wrinkling in that adorable way it did when he really found something funny. ‘A lot of the GIs that come in here don’t want their men to look like men. If someone like Malai is sucking their dick, they can go on pretending.’

‘Really?’ Ross considered this. ‘Actually I kind of get it. If I hadn’t met you that would probably be kind of appealing.’

‘You’d be surprised by how many guys actually do it.’ Jim snorted. ‘When Malai found out that wasn’t my thing, she was really surprised. Pleased, but surprised. Still it meant that there was no shit between us and we had a really good time. She took me all over. If it’s okay with you, we can ask her to do it with both of us.’

‘What, like a tour guide?’ Ross was back at being bemused.

‘Sure.’ Jim confirmed. ‘A lot of the girls do it. They make a few bucks, get to sleep with the guy if they want and travel around on his dime so why not? You see the best parts of the country that way. Last time Malai took me all the way out to her village so we could see her family.’ He grinned at Ross. ‘There were monkeys. And elephants.’

That made Ross’ ears prick up.

‘Elephants?’ It came out a bit louder than he intended and he got a laugh as a tray full of exotically coloured drinks and a couple pf beers landed between them.

‘He like elephants?’ Malai asked Jim and Jim nodded.

‘He’s crazy about animals.’ He smiled at Ross. ‘He’s like a kid around them.’

‘No.’ Ross protested. ‘But elephants are in a completely different league.’

‘I take you.’ Malai put down a glass filled with something that looked like beer. ‘You just say when.’

‘Maybe we can do the city tomorrow.’ Jim sipped his beverage. Ross did the same and the beer turned out to be very good. He looked over at where the barman was watching expectantly. Jim gave him a thumb’s up and he grinned and went back to work. Jim looked at Ross.

‘You might want to take this slow, Doc.’ he warned. ‘Tastes like normal beer but kicks like a goddam mule.’ Ross waved off his concerns and carried on drinking. The beer was perfectly chilled and it was going down very well in the overheated bar.

‘I leave you two alone.’ Malai gave Jim a knowing look. ‘You take him home later. Make sure he has good time.’

‘Thanks.’ Jim laughed. ‘Look, can we still get the special for tonight?’

‘Sure.’ Malai changed over their ashtray. ‘No problem. You want hot?’

‘I do.’ Jim replied. ‘But maybe tone it down for Ross. He’s a rookie. And he’s from Massachusetts. I don’t think they even have chilli up there.’

Malai nodded and sauntered off and Ross took a moment to admire how well she walked on her towering stilettos.

‘So what is the special?’ he asked and Jim smiled.

‘You’ll like it.’ he assured him. ‘They’ll make sure it’s not too hot.’

They drank and Ross looked around as discreetly as he could. Jim snorted into his beer.

‘You don’t have to be so hinky about it.’ He was grinning. ‘The whole point of a place like this is that you can look.’

‘I’ve never been in one before.’ Ross was trying hard to contain his curiosity. ‘There’re a couple in Boston but I never went.’

‘It’s not for everyone.’ Jim shrugged. ‘But it’s nice to have a place you don’t always have to look over your shoulder.’

Malai came back with another tray and offloaded four bowls. Ross took one look at it and stared at Jim.

‘It’s green.’ He wasn’t sure if this was some kind of joke.

‘It’s supposed to be.’ Jim was busy exchanging gleeful looks with Malai. ‘Try it before you make any judgements though. It’s real good.’

‘Yes.’ Malai agreed. ‘Very good.’

Ross gave them a look that clearly said he wasn’t convinced and then tentatively picked up the spoon he’d been given and stirred what was in the bowl. It was creamy and delicately fragranced, very exotic smelling and with a sharp note to it. There was also a bowl of rice to go with it and he watched Jim eating with every sign of enjoyment and then tried the sauce that coated the spoon. He was pleasantly surprised to find it was very good, just as Jim had promised.

‘What is it?’ he asked after the first spoonful.

‘Green curry.’ Jim replied. ‘Malai made me eat it the first time I was here.’

They ate in silence and then got another round of beers. The bar was now starting to get busy and they smoked while Jim told Ross about his last trip to Bangkok and the things he and Malai had done.

‘That all sounds good.’ Ross said. ‘I’ve always wanted to see different places. I just figured once I got married that would be it.

‘Well, that’s a dumb idea.’ Jim laughed. ‘You should travel. It’s a great way to learn that the whole world isn’t just what we think we know.’ He looked at Ross and there was that strange hint of shyness that Ross now knew how to recognise. ‘When we get back, you could come down to California and I’d show you around.’ The way he said it was offhand but Ross could see that he was also fighting that insecurity he sometimes had.

‘I would love to see it with you.’ He slid his hand across the table just enough so the tips of their fingers connected. ‘I have to do six months before I get discharged but then maybe I could take some time off.’ He looked at Jim steadily. ‘We haven’t really talked about what’s going to happen when you come home.’

‘No.’ Jim met his eyes and there was something sad in his expression that made Ross feel that absurd sense of protectiveness again. ‘I’ve kinda been trying not to think about it. I mean, you had your life before you shipped out and I don’t want to disrupt that.’

‘Did you ever think that I want you to?’ Ross could feel his emotions starting to bubble up. ‘Before I met you, I wasn’t living. Not really.’ He ran a finger along Jim’s. ‘I don’t want to let you go. And I’ll make enough money to keep us. You could take some time, figure out what you want to do.’

‘I don’t want to be kept.’ Jim’s voice dropped. ‘I want to make my own way.’

‘And you can.’ Ross assured him. ‘I wouldn’t want to stop you.’

‘And there’s Rob.’ Jim looked away. ‘I’ve been gone long enough, Ross. I can’t just leave him.’

‘So I’ll move to California.’ Ross shrugged. ‘I’m not that attached to my family.’

‘You’d do that?’ Jim sounded surprised. ‘You’d move halfway across the country to be with me?’

‘Halfway around the goddamn world if I had to.’ Ross stated. ‘You’ve saved me. You don’t know it but you have. I came here wanting to die, hating myself, and you’ve given me my life back.’ He stopped abruptly, astonished at his confession but the effect on Jim was even more incredible.

He half got up and leaned across the table before Ross could protest and grabbed him by the front of his shirt and hauled Ross up and kissed him in full view of everyone in the bar. It wasn’t gentle and Ross could feel the desperation in it. When Jim finally let him go, he was lost for words. Jim just looked at him, his eyes soft.

‘I love you.’ he said it simply, without dramatics, and Ross felt like his heart was about to stop.

‘I love you too.’ He leaned his forehead against Jim’s. ‘It’s going to be you and me, Jim. Fuck everything else.’

‘You idiot.’ Jim was smiling again. ‘How the hell do I say no to that?’

’You don’t.’ Ross insisted and kissed him again. This time they separated to find Malai looking at them with another round of beers and a crooked smile.

‘You two so cute.’ She put down the glasses and picked up the empty ones and cleared the plates.

‘Well, that’s a first.’ Ross laughed.

*********

They finally went upstairs a couple of hours later, both of them drunk and happy and leaning on each other as they tried to get up the stairs without accident.

Jim got the door open and they more or less fell through it. Ross collapsed onto the bed and pried off his shoes before managing to sit up to tackle his socks. Across the room, Jim put the lamp on and already had his shirt off. He was busy at the chest of drawers and came back with a joint between his fingers, licking along the edge of the paper and sealing it before watching Ross’ antics as he tried to struggle out of his own shirt.

‘Dumbass.’ He came over and helped Ross pull it over his head. ‘I think I fucked you stupid this afternoon.’

‘Fuck you.’ Ross retorted, now working on his belt. Unfortunately he seemed to have grown too many fingers and couldn’t quite get it undone. Jim snorted with laughter and fired up the joint, clenching it between his teeth and climbing onto the bed to straddle him.

He set to work, his movements brisk and efficient and soon had the belt undone and Ross pants too. Ross inhaled sharply when Jim pulled them open and ran his hand over his cock, his body conditioned to respond. Jim chuckled around the joint and worked him slowly, the friction of his hand through the cotton of Ross’ briefs making him moan as he got hard under Jim’s hand.

‘Here.’ Jim took a hit and then handed the joint over. Ross inhaled, the smoke burning his lungs, and watched as Jim moved a little further down the bed.

‘What are you doing?’ he asked, voice hoarse from shouting over the music in the bar and smoking far too much. Jim didn’t answer him. Instead Ross got a defiant flash of blue-green and then Jim’s head was down and Ross moaned as he felt him nose along his cock.

‘Fuck…’ He breathed the word and took another hit, the grass going straight to his head. Jim was tugging his briefs down and Ross closed his eyes as he felt the air on his bare skin.

There was the lightest touch and Jim ran his tongue from base to tip. It was like an electric shock and Ross sucked in a deep breath. He felt like he might be drowning, the grass making him light headed and oversensitive. He couldn’t keep in the noise he made when Jim took him in, his mouth sliding warm and wet over Ross’ cock. He looked up and their eyes locked and held.

Ross took another hit and smiled down at him. He loved this so much, the intimacy of the act and also the way Jim was looking at him. He twisted to put the joint in the ash tray and then moved onto his elbows. Jim pulled off and licked softly at the head, moving his hand at the same time.

Ross watched him use his tongue, tracing underneath the head and over it. He wet his lips and tried to speak, but nothing was coming out except those helpless noises as arousal completely overtook him and made him every bit as stupid as Jim had said he was. Jim stopped and smiled.

‘Lube.’ he instructed and Ross reached for it and chucked it down. He knew what was coming and when Jim uncapped it he shivered in anticipation. Jim laid it on thick and went in with two fingers straight away and Ross whined and spread his legs. He was so far beyond caring what he looked like. Jim went back down again, his mouth and fingers working in tandem to make Ross start panting hard. He writhed against them, chasing the pleasure that was quickly overwhelming him.

‘Come on.’ he panted. ‘Enough with this. Fuck me already.’

‘Jesus.’ Jim wiped his spit away when he came back up. ‘You’re being very demanding.’

‘I want it.’ Ross didn’t care anymore, his inhibitions shot to hell. ‘Put it in me now.’ He hissed as Jim pulled his fingers out and then flopped down next to him.  
‘Come here.’ he ordered. ‘I want you to ride my cock.’

‘Fuck.’ Ross rolled onto all fours and then crawled to climb over him. He hadn’t tried this yet, but all his remaining faculties told him it was a splendid idea. He moved slowly, shuffling forward on his knees. Jim had the lube out again, using it on his cock and wiping what was left back on Ross, sliding his fingers back in and out a few times. Ross was almost out of his mind with lust. He ran his hand over his own cock, feeling how wet he was and using it as he stroked himself.

‘Get on me.’ Jim got him by the hips and hauled him forward so Ross was over his cock. ‘Fuck, I want to be in you.’ He guided Ross down, using one hand to steady himself. ‘Just go slow, okay. I want to feel it go all the way in.’ He threw his head back as Ross lowered.

Ross felt Jim start to ease in, so loose from the combination of being relaxed to the point of near coma and the abundance of lube that it caused no discomfort. He lowered steadily, the feeling of being filled so much more intense in this position. He could feel himself stretching around Jim’s cock and shifted his hips, enjoying the surge of pleasure that came when he moved at just the right angle.

‘That’s it baby.’ Jim was breathing hard, his skin gleaming with sweat. ‘Fuck your ass on my cock.’ He dragged his fingers down Ross’ chest. ‘Jesus, you look so fucking good like this.’ He was staring down between them. ‘I love watching myself go inside you.’

Ross couldn’t reply, his whole body feeling like he was burning up from the inside. He tipped his head back as he sat down, Jim’s cock lodged deep inside him. It was enough to make him cry out as he ground down hard, trying to get the friction he was so desperate for. Underneath him, Jim had the lube and was using it on his hand before he took hold of Ross’ cock. The slick feeling made Ross squirm and bite his lip, rocking back and forth and feeling the way Jim’s cock rubbed against his prostate.

‘Jim…’ He was panting so hard he could barely speak. ‘Fuck…’

‘I know.’ Jim was shaking violently, his abdominal muscles flexing every time a spasm went through him. ‘Jesus, just fucking do it. Make me come.’

Ross abandoned every thought and every shred of inhibition he had and started to move. He found it easier if he braced himself on his knees, using his thigh muscles to lift himself off and then drop down hard, impaling himself on Jim’s cock. The whole time Jim jacked him off, his hand sliding effortlessly and using his thumb to rub over the sensitive head in a lazy circle.

Ross leaned back a little, throwing out one hand to brace against Jim’s thigh and then it was there, the drag of the head over his prostate absolutely perfect. Lightning shot up his spine again and again, and Ross shouted at the ceiling. He didn’t care who could hear them. All he wanted was to feel this forever, this pleasure that burned like a magnesium round and that made him into an uncontrolled thing that could do nothing but follow his instincts.

Jim had his other hand on Ross’ thigh, nails digging welts into his skin. His cries were every bit as loud and he had both feet planted on the bed behind Ross, thrusting up as hard as Ross pushed down. The sound of their bodies impacting was just as loud, and Ross bucked into it. He was so close, walking the knife’s edge of orgasm until Jim went rigid and came all the way inside him. His whole body was jerking, his face pained as the strength of his climax took him away and that was all Ross needed to fall screaming over the edge. He fell forward, hands to Jim’s chest, and came noisily, his semen painting Jim’s skin white and matting in his hair.

They stilled, both breathing like they had run a forty mile hike. Ross finally lifted his head and saw that Jim had his eyes closed.

‘Holy shit, Doc.’ he panted. ‘You’re a fucking animal.’

That made Ross laugh and soon he was giggling like a small child. That made Jim laugh as well and the two of them sat there and laughed at each other until there was a pounding on the wall from next door and a muffled yell to knock it off.

‘Nice.’ Ross snickered as he eased himself off Jim’s cock. ‘They don’t care about us fucking but heaven forbid we have a good time doing it.’

Assholes.’ Jim put both hands behind his head. ‘I know the type.’ He watched as Ross almost fell off the bed and staggered to the bathroom. ‘Hey, you okay there Doc?’

‘No.’ Ross turned on the faucet and splashed water on his head and chest and then washed himself clean, using his towel to dry himself off. Then he wet his hair and turned the water off again. He was completely overheated and riding his endorphin high as he made his way back, damp towel in hand which he chucked at Jim.

Jim caught it and used it to clean himself off, then lobbed it into the corner.

‘Turn the light off, baby.’ He sounded like he was already half asleep. Ross went to the chest of drawers and switched off the light. He could hear music coming up from the bar below and the neon lights shone through the thin curtains, providing plenty of light to see by. He went to the bed, climbing back on and lying down next to Jim. There was the click of a zippo and the flare of twin embers and Jim handed over the cigarette.

The song changed and slowed. Ross lay and listened to the words as they finished their cigarettes. He inhaled and turned on his side and Jim did the same, moving to face him. The light from outside hit his face and lit up his eyes and Ross was immersed again as he stared into them.

_Thought of you as my mountain top_  
_Thought of you as my peak_  
_Thought of you as everything_  
_I've had, but couldn't keep_

‘I want to be with you forever.’ He said it softly but he knew Jim had heard him. He could see it in the way his eyes changed, even in the artificial light that washed out their colour. Jim leaned over and killed his cigarette and then took the one from Ross’ hand and repeated the action. He placed his hand to Ross’ face and leaned in to kiss him and  
Ross accepted the kiss and let Jim pull him back down, knowing that he’d lost the battle the second he’d looked into those eyes that very first time.

_Linger on your pale blue eyes_  
_Linger on your pale blue eyes_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics from Pale Blue Eyes by The Velvet Underground.


	18. Sugar Pie Honey Bunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of leave and the beginning of the end...

The sound of people arguing under their window woke Ross up. He stretched and yawned and moved in closer to the body next to him, Jim’s naked skin soft and slightly tacky to the touch. It was so damn hot in the room, in spite of the ceiling fan. He turned so he could nose at the back of Jim’s neck and got a soft exhalation of breath. Jim shifted and the muted light caught the fine gold hairs on his back and arms, tiny glints of light. 

Ross smiled and ran a feather soft touch down Jim’s back. They were exhausted, four days in their little world away from everything making them both lethargic and unwilling to really get out much. It had only been with the greatest of difficulty and the feeling that they were squandering their chances, that they had left the hotel room and gone out into the city. 

In truth Ross was pleased they had. Malai had taken them to some amazing places and he’d been blown away by the strangeness and beauty of it all. They had visited temples, including one called Wat Pho where he and Jim had stared in awe at the massive reclining Buddha. They had gone to the night markets and Malai had persuaded him try all sorts of things, some delicious and some that were downright odd. Ross had even gotten to see his much anticipated elephants on a trip out the city to Malai’s village. It had been a little strange seeing her dressed as a man, but Ross knew that it was necessary and they had had a wonderful time with her family. In the last two days they had hung out in bars in their district and Ross had come to realise that there were far more people like he and Jim than he’d ever expected. It had put him at ease and for the first time in his life, he’d felt something akin to being at peace with himself.

A lot of that had to do with who he was with as well. This time was so different. Here they had been themselves. There was no first time awkwardness and they had left the war behind and enjoyed their time together. There had been long nights of sex and talking and lying and just being together. 

Jim stirred under his hand and Ross smiled, hearing the change in his breathing and knowing he was awake. He nosed at the soft skin behind Jim’s ear and planted a kiss there. 

‘You awake?’ he whispered and got a cat-like stretch in response that bought their bodies into alignment. 

‘No.’ Jim’s voice was sleep rough. ‘But you can try and wake me up if you want.’ 

Ross smiled and pressed in closer. He dropped kisses down the side of Jim’s neck that was exposed to him and then licked along the edge of his ear. 

‘Any suggestions as to how I should do that?’ He smiled against Jim’s neck and Jim stretched again, although this time it felt distinctly suggestive. 

‘I can think of a few.’ He half turned and Ross caught a glimpse of sleepy blue-green eyes that were starting to burn. He leaned over and Jim met him halfway, the kiss drawing out. Jim breathed out through his nose and licked softly at Ross’ mouth and Ross responded in kind, the kiss turning deep. 

It felt so good, not having to rush or worry about anything. Jim lifted a hand and rested it at the back of Ross’ head, keeping him there. Ross let him control the kiss, running one hand down Jim’s side and pushing the sheet away from them before moving his hand down. He had no inhibitions now, another week of being to take and touch as he pleased making him realise that he needed to make the best of this limited time they had. 

Jim was half hard and Ross curled his fingers around him and stroked lightly. Jim broke away from his mouth to whine and thrust up into Ross’ hand, every movement languid. Ross thrust up against his backside in counterpoint, his quickly hardening cock rubbing up over Jim. 

‘Fuck…’ Jim was starting to pant. ‘Get it.’ He moved one hand over his head and gripped the pillow. 

Ross knew what he wanted and let go of him long enough to turn over and grab the almost finished tube of lubricant. He twisted the cap off and squeezed it on his fingers and then turned back, resting his head on his hand as he trailed his wet fingers along and then pressed in. 

Jim had been on the receiving end the night before and his body opened easily around Ross’ fingers. He sunk them in deep and Jim breathed out in a soft moan, turning face down into the bed and hitching up on knee so Ross could move his hand more easily. 

Ross kissed his shoulder, easing his fingers in and out and curling them to stroke over just the right place inside him. This was now so familiar to him, but no less thrilling than it had been the very first time. He charted Jim’s moans and exhortations, speeding up and slowing down by turns as he worked him open. It didn’t take long, Jim’s sleepiness and his obvious arousal doing most of the work, but Ross still took his time. He loved this, loved the way Jim felt on the inside and the way he breathed Ross’ name even as his body started to tighten around his fingers as he came up gently. 

‘Come here.’ Jim was looking back over his shoulder at him, the fire in his eyes banked but there. ‘Get inside me.’

Ross raised an eyebrow at him, a smile quirking the corner of his mouth. Jim met his eyes and the look he gave him was direct. It was a look Ross had seen a lot over the past five days and it never failed to get him moving. He eased his fingers out, using the residual lube on them on himself before he pulled Jim back onto his side and guided himself in. 

He slid in, the angle Jim was lying at making it deep. Ross moaned as he bottomed out, the feel of Jim’s wet heat around his cock enough to make him fall back on the pillow and have to collect himself. He shoved his arm underneath Jim’s neck to come up and hold him still, the other on Jim’s backside. 

Jim moved back into the position he’d been in before, turning halfway onto his front, and Ross went with him. Like this it was simplicity itself to drive in and out as slowly as he wanted, each thrust going deep and rubbing Jim the right way if his deepening moans were anything to go by. 

‘Yes.’ It came out rough. ‘Fuck me.’

‘I am fucking you, baby.’ Ross couldn’t resist. He leaned over enough to nip at Jim’s ear, and that only made the moans come out louder. He snapped his hips once and that got a strangled gasp and then Jim was pushing back into him, still slow but enough that the friction between them turned maddeningly good. Jim reached back for him, hand at the back of Ross’ neck as he arched into his thrusts. Ross kissed his ear and neck and felt him shiver. 

‘You want it harder?’ he murmured and Jim shook his head. 

‘No.’ He clenched around Ross’ cock. ‘Just like this. Feels real good.’ 

Ross reached around him, hand flat to Jim’s belly and feeling the muscles contract. He could feel Jim’s cock against his hand, hard and wet and leaving a trail of slick over his skin. He trailed his fingers down, teasing the head with light touches. 

‘You feel so good inside.’ He took Jim’s ear between his teeth and bit gently. Jim groaned and shuddered under his hand. 

‘Stop sweet talking me and make me come.’ His voice had that lovely breathiness that came when he was close. Ross drove in just a little harder on the next thrust and Jim bowed back against him. He took his hand away, bringing it down to cover Ross’ and using them both to jack himself off. 

‘God…’ Ross could feel the heat pooling in his belly, the tightening in his balls as he started walking that fine line of pleasure that he learned to love so much. 

‘Ross…’ Jim was gone, his eyes closed and his panting becoming feverish. ‘Please…’

Ross quickened their hands and felt it hit, Jim’s body starting to tighten convulsively around his cock as he came with a cry. It kicked off his own climax and Ross fell into it head first, the pleasure overwhelming him and knocking everything out of his head but Jim. 

They rode it together, finally slowing down until they lay there, covered in sweat and cum and breathing hard as they came down. 

Jim turned as well as he could and Ross moved to kiss him, their tongues tangling in that same lazy rhythm that they had greeted each morning with. 

They separated and Jim looked up at him, his eyes were almost glowing. He lifted his hand and Ross laughed as he licked the cum from Jim’s fingers. Jim watched him, smiling so his dimples were deep. 

‘I love you, Doc.’ He nosed at him. ‘You know that, right? More than anything.’ 

‘I know.’ Ross kissed the tip of his nose. ‘I love you too.’ 

********

They ended up in the bath afterwards, legs tangled and barely enough room to move as they smoked and smiled at each other in that heady afterglow that made both of them stupid with love and lust and wellbeing. 

Ross had one of Jim’s feet resting on his shoulder and he turned his head to kiss the inside of his ankle. Jim had Ross’ foot in his hands, pressing in on the arch with his thumbs and making Ross moan with how incredibly good it felt. He spent so many hours on his feet and the attention Jim was paying them was like heaven. 

Jim smiled at him around the cigarette clenched between his teeth and kept going until Ross felt like he could just drift off. He leaned down and picked up the tumbler of whiskey sitting on the floor next to them. They had been drinking at all hours, neither of them particularly caring, and whisky for breakfast felt decadent. 

‘You wanna go out today?’ Jim asked. His hair was wet and spiked up and Ross itched to drag his fingers through it. He let his eyes drift over him, making the light trail of sparse hair darkened by water over Jim’s chest and stomach under the water. 

Jim followed his gaze and his nose crinkled as he smiled. He splashed the water and it hit Ross in the face and drenched his cigarette and got in his whisky. 

‘Goddammit!’ He splashed back and it became very undignified until both cigarettes were soggy and the floor was swimming with water. 

‘You asshole.’ Jim was laughing as he regarded the floor. ‘Look at this goddamn mess.’

‘It’s your fault.’ Ross grumbled. ‘You started it.’

‘And, I’m gonna finish it.’ Jim sent another wave of water at him and it started all over again. 

Afterwards they got out and dried themselves off and then used the towels to mop up the worst of it. They got dressed, still horsing around and falling over onto the bed laughing and kissing and trying their level best to pin each other down. 

Ross finally got the upper hand, sitting astride Jim’s hips as he held him down by the wrists. Jim smiled up at him, eyes sparkling. 

‘We’re supposed to be getting’ dressed.’ he drawled and Ross snorted at him and kissed him quiet. He got off of him and held out a hand and pulled Jim to his feet. 

They got ready and Ross picked his camera. He’d taken so many pictures of the city that he was on the last of his three rolls of film. Malai had been a great help, taking enough pictures of him and Jim together that Ross had a lifetime of memories stashed in his bag. Jim saw him and smiled. 

‘You’re going to give me copies, right?’ he asked, his eyes twinkling. Ross returned the smile and leaned down to kiss him. 

‘Ask me nicely and I’ll consider it.’ he replied. Jim chuckled, about to retort when they suddenly heard the sound of feet pounding the corridor and shouting. 

‘What the fuck…?’ Jim started when the sound of a fist against their door brought him up short. 

‘Jim!’ It was Malai’s voice. Ross knew that she sometimes worked the front desk at the hotel as well during the day and was due to be there when they were going to check out that afternoon for their return flight to Vietnam. ‘Open!’

The visceral panic in her voice made Jim move immediately, throwing the door open and Malai all but fell in. He caught her and straightened her up. 

‘What the hell’s wrong?’ he asked and she panted, clearly out of breath.

‘Raid.’ She managed to get the word out and the effect on Jim was immediate. He went white and looked at Ross. 

‘When?’ His voice was curt. Malai flapped one hand in frantic consternation.

‘Tran got call five minute ago.’ Her distress made her accent thicker and Ross struggled to hear what she was saying. ‘He say MP come in ten.’

‘Shit!’ Jim let her go and looked at Ross. ‘Pack everything up now!.’

Ross didn’t argue. Thankfully he and Jim had been more or less living out of their bags and it took less than five minutes to grab their things and stuff them in. He followed Jim and Malai out, seeing other servicemen more or less falling out of their rooms. Ross was astonished. He and Jim had not glimpsed another soul while they had been there but now here they all were, united in their panic as they ran for the stairs. Most were in civvies, a couple in uniform and Ross saw a few ranks that surprised the hell out of him. 

They got to the bottom of the stairs where Tran was waving them through the kitchen. He rattled something off to Malai, his Thai machine gun quick. He gave them a quick nod and then they were out the door of the back office and standing in a tiny alley that ran down between the buildings. 

‘You go that way.’ Malai waved a hand. ‘I go back and help Tran.’

Jim nodded, his face sympathetic. 

‘Is it gonna be bad?’ he asked and she nodded and then ran back inside.

Ross stared even as other men ran past him and Jim had to grab his hand to get him moving. 

‘Come on, Ross.’ His voice was urgent. ‘If we get caught here, we’re fucked.’

They went the way Malai had told them, following the alley around and out onto another street. Once they got there, Jim pulled Ross back. Ross frowned, especially seeing as how most of the other men were now heading for the main road, but he did notice a few were ducking down other streets.

‘Not that way.’ Jim tugged on Ross’ hand. ‘This way.’ 

Ross followed him down another alley branching off to the right and Ross went after him, following blindly. 

‘Where are we going?’ He was still struggling to keep up and his bag kept knocking into things. 

‘The MPs aren’t stupid, Ross.’ Jim said over his shoulder. ‘They’ll be waiting for them down on the road.’ 

‘Fuck.’ Ross’ heart was now hammering in his chest. He went with it, trusting Jim to get them out of the maze. 

Twenty minutes later, they came back out onto another road and this one was filled with people. Jim managed to wave down a cab and they got in. He told the driver to take them to one of the shopping districts. When they got there he paid and they got out, Ross almost bouncing with nerves. The seriousness of their situation had now caught up with him and he could feel his heart hammering in his chest.

‘Fuck.’ Jim took in a deep breath. ‘I fucking hate when that happens.’

That made Ross stare at him in disbelief. 

‘This has happened to you before?’ he asked and Jim nodded. 

‘When I was at college.’ he explained. ‘There were a couple of clubs I used to go to and they got raided pretty much weekly.’

‘Jesus.’ Ross was appalled. Jim shrugged. 

‘You get used to it.’ he said. ‘Dumbass cops ain’t got anything better to do than harass us.’ Then he grinned at Ross. ‘It does make you learn how to avoid trouble though. And to run in the goddamn opposite direction if it happens to you. There’ll be a bunch of sorry bastards being rounded up right now.’

‘What will happen to them?’ Ross asked and Jim made a face. 

‘The high ranking ones will probably get a slap on the wrist. The others...well they’re probably going to get an 89.’ he explained

‘Shit.’ Ross felt terrible. Jim watched him and then shrugged. 

‘Ain’t nothing you can do, Doc.’ He sighed. ‘Come on. Let’s go get something to eat. I’m fucking starving and we’ve got a wait till we can go to the airport.’

They drifted through the district, stopping to eat at a small street side place. Ross spent his last baht on presents for Verity and Grace and his father. His heart wasn’t really in it though, all his earlier happiness deflated by what he’d just experienced, as far from his sheltered life as he could have gotten. 

Jim regarded him over the table. 

‘You okay?’ he asked, taking his cigarettes from his pocket. ‘You look pretty shook up.’

‘I’ll be okay.’ Ross shook his head. ‘It’s just…’ He trailed off and Jim looked at him, the concern easy to read in his face.

‘Get used to it, Doc.’ he said softly. ‘This is the life.’

********

They got to the airport an hour early, using the time to change into their uniforms and go check in with the army desk that was set up for returning servicemen. Jim’s flight was three hours before Ross was due to leave and he sat and moped at the thought of being without him, in spite of the scare he’d just had. 

Jim was next to him, knee jumping with nerves. Ross noticed that he’d been very quiet since they got back and he frowned and elbowed him. 

‘What’s wrong.’ he asked and Jim nodded over at two men who were watching them from the other side of the bank of seats.

‘They were there.’ He kept his voice low. ‘In the hotel.’

‘What?’ Ross stared at the two men, who’d also been staring and who were now trying to look like they weren’t. ‘Shit, is that bad?’

‘Let’s hope not.’ Jim’s face was set. 

A sergeant with a clipboard and a surly expression was making his way through the space, calling out names. Jim’s head lifted at the sound of his and then looked at Ross. 

‘Time to go.’ He wasn’t anywhere as unhappy as he’d been the last time but they’d both been incredibly distracted by their close call and as he stood up to collect his things, Ross did too. 

‘I’ll see you back in Chu Lai.’ he said and Jim nodded. This was so different to their previous parting, the surroundings meaning they couldn’t express themselves they would have liked to. 

Jim met his eyes, the same emotions flying across his face, and then held out his hand. 

‘See you later, Doc.’ His voice was now perfectly neutral. 

‘Yeah.’ Ross took his hand and the electricity sparked between them like it always did. ‘Don’t drink all the beers before I get back.’

That got a quirk of Jim’s mouth, the dimple winking in and out of sight in a heartbeat. 

‘I’ll try not to.’ He picked up his bag and slung it onto his shoulder. ‘Later.’

Ross watched him walk away and then realised that one of the man who’d been staring at them was also walking in the same direction. He looked back on instinct and then he saw it, the anguish that only he knew to look for because it was the same feeling in his own heart.

Jim went to the sergeant and spoke and then man ticked his name off and nodded towards the corridor behind him. Jim went in that direction and Ross watched him until he could no longer see him.

‘That’s the worst part.’ The voice behind him made him jump and he turned to see the man now standing there. He looked like any other guy, sandy hair cut regulation style and the flashes on his shoulder showing that he was a lieutenant. He was also wearing a crest that made Ross’ eyebrows go up.

‘What? he asked, now guarded. 

‘Not here.’ The other man looked around him. ‘You want to grab a cup of coffee?’

Ross noticed he was sun-browned, which spoke of the extended front line deployment the Green Berets went on often to areas of heavy enemy activity. One or two had come across his table from time to time and they had all been hard bitten men, their thousand yard stares in place even when their guts were hanging out. 

‘Sure.’ he said and lifted his bag. 

There was a small commissary stand they each bought a cup and went to occupy an empty table. The man took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to Ross, lighting it with a zippo that was even more battered than Jim’s. His green eyes were sharp as he watched Ross. 

‘So what did you mean?’ Ross asked and the man shrugged. 

‘The saying goodbye. It’s the worst part.’ He sighed. ‘How long?’

‘Nearly a year give or take.’ Ross said, surprised by the fact that it had actually been that long. ‘You?’

‘From before.’ The man flicked ash from his cigarette and then stuck a hand over the table. ‘Harry.’

‘Ross.’ He shook the offered hand. ‘Before Vietnam?’

‘Since we were kids.’ Harry said with a wry smile. ‘He’s been the only one.’

‘That’s incredible.’ Ross felt odd talking to a complete stranger about this but he needed to get it out. ‘How do you do it?’

‘We grew up down the road from each other.’ Harry said. ‘Our folks just thought we were best friends.Hell, they still do.’ He chuckled and fixed Ross with a shrewd look. ‘Doctor and a medevac, huh? No guesses how the two of you met.’

‘We’re both stationed at the same base.’ Ross confirmed. ‘We’re lucky.’

‘Yeah.’ Harry frowned. ‘Al’s all the way out on the O’Brian. We don’t get to see each other all that often. This was a one in a million chance.’ He stubbed out his cigarette and immediately lit another. ‘You two, you were there this morning.’ He didn’t need to say where.

‘That was something else.’ Ross sipped his coffee. ‘Scared the shit out of me.’

‘Yeah, I’d rather be in a goddamn firefight than go through that shit again.’ Harry shook his head. ‘Fucking assholes.’

‘I didn’t know they do that.’ Ross said and Harry nodded. 

‘We live in Frisco.’ he said. ‘Even there, we get shit.’

‘Together?’ Ross hissed the word and Harry nodded.

‘We got a little place. No-one pays us no mind.’ He looked at Ross. ‘You two serious?’

‘I don’t know.’ Ross found himself saying. ‘We’re from other sides of the country. I want to try but…’ He trailed off. ‘You know how it is.’

‘Yeah.’ Harry sighed. ‘I sure do.’ He then grinned and it changed his freckled face from stern to affable. ‘It’s worth it though.’

Ross thought of Jim and the way he made him feel.

‘It is.’ He smiled to himself more than anything. ‘I never thought I’d find this.’

‘I could see it.’ Harry said. ‘When you said goodbye to him.’ His smile was a little sad. ‘It’s the same way Al looks and it tears me up.’ He looked at Ross. ‘What’s his name?’

‘Jim.’ Ross couldn’t help the little warm surge inside himself. 

‘Well, I’ll tell you something.’ Harry said and now he had a determined look in his eyes. ‘You hang onto him, hold on tight and don’t let him go. It’s shitty enough being how we are. Doing it alone is too damn hard.’ He looked over Ross’ shoulder. ‘Damn. Look’s like my ride is here.’ 

Ross turned and saw a couple of men also with green berets approaching. 

‘Thanks for the smoke.’ he said. ‘And the talk.’

‘Think on what I said.’ Harry got up. ‘Fight for it.’ He placed a hand on Ross’ shoulder as he passed. ‘Good luck, Doc.’

‘You too, LT.’ Ross replied and watched him walk off with the other men. 

By the time he was called to board his plane, he was a riled up mess. The stress from that morning had come crashing down around him and he was also filled with a very odd insecurity sitting there without Jim by his side. 

Ross thought about what Harry had said and what the future might hold for them both. It was the end of August, which meant only two more months and then he would be shipping out back to the US and away from Jim. He had no idea what they would do or how they would engineer it, but Ross knew that he couldn’t live without him any more. He just needed to come up with a plan.

‘Captain Poldark?’ The sound of his name made Ross look up. He grabbed his bag and stood up, walking over to go and get himself assigned onto the plane. 

The flight back was bumpy and he felt worse and worse as they got closer to Vietnam and not just because of the turbulence. He’d had three hours to stew and think about the fact that this was the last time they could be together before he went back and Harry’s exhortation to fight for what they had was rattling around in his head. He had some time, but if he was serious about them being together he would need to make a start. 

He could find them an apartment in San Francisco. Ross knew he wouldn’t be able to bring Jim home to Nampara for obvious reasons, but he’d have no problem moving out to California to wait for him. He had his trust fund and the interest from that was more than enough to support them, even without his salary. His discharge from the army would coincide nicely with Jim’s return from Vietnam and he’d be able to bring him home with the smoothest of transitions. He started to smile as things worked themselves out in his head and when the bird’s wheels hit the tarmac, Ross was lost in daydreams about how good it would be, just the two of them together. 

‘Sir?’ The sound of the air hostess’ voice shook him out of his thoughts and Ross looked up to see her smiling at him. He undid his seatbelt and got up and she moved on, getting more than her fair share of looks as she passed the other men. Ross took down his bag and started to make his way along, down the plane and off to the airport building to wait for the bird that would take him back to Chu Lai and back to Jim. 

**********

Two hours later and he was climbing out of the bird and sniffing air that was tainted with the unmistakable smells of life on base. The sun was dropping down below the horizon but the landing strip was still buzzing with activity and Ross had to hunt around a while until he managed to score a ride back up to the 91st. 

When he got in, he headed straight for his hooch to drop his gear and then wasted no time in going to find some company. Jim had mentioned that he would be back in rotation the next day and would need to get an early night, but Ross was too wound up to sleep and his walk took him straight to Demelza’s door. The lights were on in her hooch and he could hear the sound of Caroline’s record player going. He knocked and waited for the door to open, getting an armful of Demelza when she came out and hugged him tightly. 

‘You’re back.’ Her eyes were sparkling. ‘Come on in.’

Ross stepped inside and saw that the hooch was strewn with clothes as it normally was, washing hanging from the line she and Caroline had strung up for that purpose under the eaves. The first time he’d been confronted with the line of underwear, he’d blushed profusely and been on the receiving end of a lot of teasing but now he simply batted the dangling clothing out the way and went to take a seat in the rattan chair in the corner. 

‘You miss me?’ he asked and Demelza laughed and then held out her hand. 

‘Depends on whether you brought me anything.’ she replied and Ross grinned and dug the small package from his pocket. 

‘I believe the tradition is for something blue.’ he said and Demelza squealed and grabbed the present, ripping the paper open and going into raptures over the silk scarf he’d bought her. 

‘It’s beautiful.’ She draped it over her shoulders, the azure clashing with her khaki t-shirt. ‘Thank you.’

‘Everything all set for next week?’ Ross asked and she nodded. 

‘Yeah, but Drake can’t get here.’ She did one last turn and then took the scarf off and folded it neatly. ‘The border is a real mess right now.’

‘Shit.’ Ross lit a cigarette. ‘That’s too bad.’

‘Yeah.’ Demelza grinned at him. ‘Guess that means my substitute brother will have to walk me down the aisle.’ She watched him, waiting for the penny to drop and then laughing when it finally did and the look of delighted surprise on Ross’ face.

‘Are you serious?’ he asked and she nodded. 

‘No-one else I would rather have.’ she replied. ‘So, you want to give me away?’

‘I’d be honoured.’ Ross smiled at her. ‘I have to say you look really happy.’

‘I am.’ Demelza went to get a drink from her stash in the locker and then moved to sit down opposite him. ‘here, let’s toast your illustrious appointment.’

Ross accepted the whisky and then stopped as he noticed something. 

‘You’re not drinking?’ He looked at her empty hands and now Demelza’s smile took on a positively radiant quality. 

‘I can’t.’ she said, sounding more than a little smug. ‘It’s bad for the baby.’

‘What baby?’ Ross asked without thinking and then nearly dropped his glass as he put two and two together. ‘Holy shit! Are you sure?’

‘I haven’t had the official test results, but yeah I’m pretty damn sure.’ Demelza was gleeful. ‘You’re gonna be an uncle.’

‘Fuck.’ Ross started laughing, her happiness completely infectious. ‘That’s amazing. Congratulations.’

‘I haven’t told Flint yet.’ Demelza said. ‘I want it to be a surprise for when we’re on honeymoon.’ She sighed happily and drew her knees up, balancing her feet on the edge of the chair. ‘I think he’s going to shit himself.’ 

‘Damn.’ Ross shook his head. ‘What are you two going to do?’

‘Well, he’s only got another month and then his tour is up.’ Demelza explained. ‘He’ll go back and get us set up. His mom’s told us we can live with her until he finds a job and then we can get our own place.’

Ross thought of what he’d been contemplating and then decided what the hell.

‘I was thinking about that myself.’ he said it casually, but Demelza pounced on it immediately.

‘Getting a place?’ She beamed at him. ‘For you and Jim?’

‘Yeah.’ Ross felt a bubble of excitement well up in his stomach as he put his thoughts into words. ‘You think it’s a good idea?’

‘I think it’s a wonderful idea.’ Demelza stated. ‘It’s the best damn idea you’ve had since you got here. Where?’

‘Somewhere in California, maybe?’ Ross suggested. ‘So he can be close to his dad.’

‘That would be nice.’ Demelza was nodding. ‘You going to try and find a residency?’

‘It shouldn’t be a problem.’ Ross said. ‘Maybe those family connections can come in handy for once.’

‘Won’t they be pissed about you moving away though?’ Demelza was now starting to frown. ‘I mean, they kind of freaked out about you coming here.’

‘I don’t need them anymore.’ Ross folded his arms, eyebrows drawing down as his stubbornness set in. ‘I have my own money.’

‘Can you tell anyone at all?’ Demelza asked. ‘Take it from me, not having family makes things hard sometimes.’

Ross thought about what his parents reaction would be to finding out he was living with a man, sharing a bed with him. 

‘Not my parents.’ he sighed. ‘I can probably tell Verity. She’d keep my secret.’ 

‘Cali’s a hell of a ride from Detroit.’ Demelza grumbled. ‘Can’t you change his mind? You two could be godparents.’

That made Ross laugh and he got up enough to lean over the table and kiss her on the forehead. 

‘Kid would have no goddamn chance if you did that.’ he chuckled and Demelza laughed. 

‘She’s gonna have no chance now.’ she replied. ‘Not with me and Flint as her mama and papa.’

‘She?’ Ross raised an eyebrow at her and Demelza smiled knowingly. 

‘Trust me.’ she assured him. 

************

A week later and things were back to being just how they always were with one notable exception being the day’s events.

Ross was sitting on his bunk, shining his dress shoes and whistling to himself while Dwight lay on his own and wrote to his parents, something he did every week without fail. The ceremony at the small chapel on the base was at eleven and would be followed by a cook-out at the 91st, courtesy of everyone there who had chipped in as part of the wedding present and laid on a barbeque and open bar that stretched from the R & E to the edge of the bluff. Everyone who wasn’t on rotation would be there and it was promising to be quite the party. 

A knock at the door made the both look up and they saw Caroline standing in the doorway. She was already dressed, her hair tied back in an immaculate French braid and her face made up. The dress code was Number One uniforms, even for Demelza who had opted out of getting all dolled up. 

‘You’re not even dressed!’ She was a little shrill and the admonishment made Dwight sit bolt upright, a sheepish look on his face.

‘It doesn’t take me that long.’ he protested. 

‘Well, get your ass in gear.’ Caroline ordered and then threw Ross a stern look as well. ‘Both of you.’

Dwight waited until she had left, even the clipped sound of her shoes managing to sound annoyed. He grinned at Ross. 

‘She’s mad that Demelza’s getting married before she is.’ he explained. ‘She won’t say anything but she’s mad as hell.’

Ross gave him a wry smile. 

‘At least you can get married.’ He hadn’t meant to sound so bitter but it just slipped out and the look of shock on Dwight’s face told Ross that he hadn’t ever considered that position before. 

‘Shit.’ His face fell. ‘Fuck, I’m sorry…’

‘It’s fine.’ Ross got up. ‘This week has just been a little crazy, that’s all.’

It had been hard. He’d seen Jim for all of one night since they had gotten back and the VC were on a major offensive in the mountainous region to the north-west which meant Fifty-One had been flying what basically amounted to double shifts. They had had stolen bits of conversation during the time Jim was on the same shift as he was, but the men coming in had largely been shot to shit and Ross had had no time to really talk. 

Today was going to be the first time he’d seen Jim properly and it would have to be in a crowd of people that didn’t know who they were to each other. They would not be able to touch or hold hands, he wouldn’t be able to lead Jim out onto the dance floor or kiss him or even look at him for too long. It was maddening. The only chance they would have would be later at the cook-out when they might be able to slip away for an hour or so. 

Ross went to take his jacket from the hanger and put it on, buttoning it up and checking himself in the mirror. He took his duty seriously and wanted to make sure that he looked his best. Caroline was acting as Demelza’s Maid of Honour, while the rest of Fifty-One were doing attendant duty for Flint. 

Dwight was now also up, dressing in his pants and khaki shirt. He buttoned it up and did his tie while Ross grabbed his cap and set off for Demelza’s hooch. he got there and found Caroline and a couple of other nurses all fussing around her. Like her maid of honour, Demelza was also in her dress uniform, the drab green actually working well with her bright copper hair which was in a neat chignon. Her only concession to the day was a bouquet of white lotus flowers. She saw Ross in the mirror and flashed him a smile as bright as the sun itself. he could practically see the happiness radiating from her. 

‘You ready?’ he asked and she nodded. 

‘Let’s go.’ She got up and Ross offered her his arm, feeling the tight grip and smiling as he realised that there was also nervousness hidden behind the sunny expression.

*********

Down at the revetment, Flint looked like a man on the verge of either doing the greatest thing in his life, or the most terrifying. Or maybe both.

‘Fuck.’ He was pacing from one side of the hooch to the other. ‘Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.’

‘Don’t say that to the goddamn padre whatever you do.’ LJ instructed. ‘Or you’ll be up shit creek sans paddle, my friend.’

‘Why the hell are you freakin’ out anyways?’ Jim asked around his cigarette as he tied Benny’s tie after he’d botched it for the seventh time. ‘Christ, will you hold still?’

‘Sorry.’ Benny was bent over so Jim could reach him. 

The door of the hooch slammed open, making them all jump, and Callaghan, RJ and Cooper came in. They were also off rotation and had leave to attend the wedding. LJ spotted a bottle in Callaghan’s hands and immediately got up from his chair. 

‘Uh-uh.’ He was stern. ‘No goddamn booze.’

‘C’mon.’ Callaghan held out both hands in a placatory gesture. ‘It’s just a little Bushmills. You know how much I paid for this goddamn bottle.’ He neatly sidestepped LJ and went to Flint, wrapping him in a bear hug that made Flint wheeze in protest. ‘Buddy! How’s it feel getting ready to give up your freedom?’ He let go and cracked the bottle. ‘There’s gotta be some glasses around here somewhere.’

‘LJ’s locker.’ Jim nodded in that direction and grinned at his now scowling AC. ‘What? It’ll calm him down.’

‘Christ. LJ shook his head. ‘You’re just getting goddamn married, not headin’ for the brig. If you didn’t want to, you shouldn’t have asked her.’

‘Like you weren’t nervous when you got hitched.’ Flint snorted, gratefully accepting the shot glass of whiskey from Callaghan, who was now proceeding to hand out one to everybody. When he got to LJ he got a disgusted look before LJ took his glass. 

‘I’m going on record that this is a bad idea.’ he grumbled. Callaghan laughed his booming laugh and threw an arm around his shoulders as they all moved into a circle. he held up his glass and addressed them. 

‘It’s gonna be great day.’ he declared. ‘Flint. we’re all jealous as hell.’

Flint’s smile lit up his face and they all downed their whiskey, coughing as they came up for air. 

‘Jesus Christ.’ Cooper’s eyes were watering. ‘You coulda warned us.’

‘Now where’s the fun in that.’ Callaghan laughed, his face even redder than usual. 

Another four rounds followed as they got the final touches on Benny’s uniform and then shepherded a gently swaying Flint down the steps and through the maze of buildings, stopping frequently as he was congratulated by everyone that passed. Flint was a popular guy and he was grinning from ear to ear by the time they got to the main road that ran from one side of the base to the other. The chapel was on the other side of the USO and they crossed the road and made their way past the low building and to the back, heading down the road to a stand of trees. The chapel itself was a white building surmounted by a pointed gable and with a flat stretch of neat lawn outside the front. There was already quiet a crowd gathered and they all cheered as the groom to be made his appearance.

Flint was now flying off a combination of whiskey and happiness as what he was doing seemed to hit home and Jim made the pre-emptive move of going to one side and taking his arm to steer him in the right direction. LJ took the other arm with Benny bringing up the rear. They were all responsible for Flint today, although LJ was the one in charge and also the one with the rings because none of the others could be trusted. 

Kellerman waved them over. He was standing with a bunch of the Stingers they all knew and Flint got shoved around a bit, slapped on the back and hugged to within an inch of his life. They were all tight, and he was cheered and generally treated like a conquering hero. The base padre was a chaplain by the name of Father Jonathan Banks. He was older than most of them, in his forties and a veteran of the Korean war before this. He came to the door of the chapel and waved them in. 

‘Get your asses in here, boys.’ he instructed. ‘Where’s our groom?’

‘Here.’ LJ rescued Flint from Callaghan and shoved him forward. Banks grinned and ushered him in. He was well used to military weddings and the general hijinks that went along with them was something he took in his stride. 

They went inside and the cool of the building was like a welcome breeze off the ocean. It wasn’t a grand building, not by the standards of some of the chapels in the more established bases. There were lines of pews with an altar at the front and a piano to the side. The men started to file in, taking their places on the left of the chapel and chattering as they waited. 

Banks led them to the front and instructed them where to stand. The ceremony was due to start at promptly at eleven and soon enough, the medical personnel who were attending also began arriving. Jim stood between LJ and Benny and watched as they sat down. He was full of mixed feelings being here. he was happy for Flint, but he also felt a twinge of sadness knowing that this was going to be his life - always getting to be simply a bystander and never experiencing the joy of being the man in front. 

He had been thinking more and more about this, especially in light of the fact that there was a looming deadline ahead of him. In two months, Ross would be getting on his freedom bird and be leaving him for the foreseeable future and it made Jim nervous. he hadn’t expected to feel like this, but the closer the time got the more it was troubling him. Ross’ declarations of wanting to be together forever had just made Jim more aware of his mortality than he’d ever felt before and the past week had seen him ill at ease, even if he still flew like a pro. 

He’d started to give serious thought to after he got back, another thing he’d never given much attention to. The future had always been a misty faraway place for him and Jim had never thought further than getting back to Eureka and making his first stop the small restaurant downtown that he and Rob frequented and having a burger and a vanilla malt before going back home to spend the night in his own bed. 

Now he was starting to factor in a lanky doctor and wondering just how he was going to break it to Rob that he was thinking seriously about asking Ross to move in with them until they could get their own place and he could sort his life out. He’d been worried about the potential separation but Ross had said he’d move to California and now Jim was starting to get lost in daydreams of their potential life together. 

‘Jim.’ LJ hissed. ‘You awake in there?’

‘Yeah.’ Jim shook himself out of it and then realised that everyone was now looking at the doorway. The pianist started up the wedding march and everyone stood up as Caroline made her entrance on Dwight’s arm. He walked her up to where she would stand to take Demelza’s bouquet and then sat down in the front pew. 

Demelza was next and Jim saw how Flint’s smile nearly fell off the side of his face as he looked at her. His own eyes though were not on the bride but on the man walking her down the aisle, resplendent in his dress uniform and looking more handsome than Jim had ever seen him. Ross was enough to make his heart start thumping and his breathing shorten and for a moment Jim dreamed of what it would be like if he was the one waiting for him there and Ross the one coming to meet him.

For the first time in his life, Jim wanted all of it. He wanted a home and a marriage and the endless domesticity that would come along with it. He wanted to be able to wake up every morning and have Ross be the first thing he saw and the last when he went to sleep.

Ross had said he wanted them to be together forever and now Jim wanted that very same thing.

Ross and Demelza got to the front and he handed her off to Flint, both of them now completely lost in each other’s faces, and then gave Jim a lightning quick smile before he went to sit down. Jim chanced a look back and saw Ross’ hazel eyes were thoughtful and knew that he was thinking the same thing. 

********

The ceremony went off without a hitch, although at the part where banks had asked the inevitable question about either of them being unfit to marry LJ had given the collected men behind them a ferocious glare and they had all sat as still as contrite children under their father’s stern look. 

The final kiss came amid cheers from the gathered onlookers and the happy couple fairly charged down the aisle and out into the sunshine ducking their heads under showers of rice. It was a very happy affair and Ross could see how much Demelza was basking in it, her eyes fixed on Flint the whole time and how he was equally lovestruck. Anderson was now standing with them and congratulating them on getting married and Ross took the opportunity to sidle over and bump Jim’s shoulder with his own. 

Jim turned, devastatingly handsome in his dress uniform, and Ross felt his stomach knot. He took in the bright smile and sparkling blue-green eyes and something came over him. He leaned over just enough and whispered in Jim’s ear. 

‘One day we’re going to do this.’ He waited for a reaction but Jim was completely still, only turning his head slightly, one dimple was flickering. His answer was murmured low enough that no-one else could hear it. 

‘Did you just ask me to marry you, Doc?’ He was still watching Flint and Demelza and Ross moved in and let his fingers brush along Jim’s arm, keeping the gesture hidden from sight. 

‘Is that a yes?’ He held his breath waiting and then Jim turned to him, his face now every bit as lovestruck as the two people they had come to see do something they had no hope in hell of ever experiencing. 

‘I’d marry the hell out of you, Doc.’ he hissed back, all smiles, and Ross felt his heart ache with how much he wanted to kiss him. He smiled back at Jim and for a moment it was like nothing else mattered in the world, just the two of them and what they meant to each other. 

Unfortunately the moment was interrupted by Callaghan coming over and draping his arms around both of them. He was more than a little drunk, having been surreptitiously drinking throughout the ceremony. 

‘Ain’t love just about the most beautiful thing in the goddamn world?’ he asked and Ross saw how Jim was looking at him. He held his gaze and Jim smiled before he answered. 

‘Yeah.’ he replied. ‘It sure is.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Sugar Pie Honey Bunch by the Four Tops.


	19. Paint It Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One hell of a day.

Jim woke up on instinct and sat up, not giving himself any time to think about how good it would be to sleep in on his day off. Across from him the other three shapes did not stir, now more than able to sleep through pretty much any amount of noise. 

He got up and grabbed a pair of baggies and a t-shirt from his locker. The waves had been unreal for the past three days, a very unseasonal wind bringing in breakers that felt more like the East Pacific than the West. Jim had had to sit the previous day out because he was flying, but every sweep in over the base had made him want to chew his own arm off in his eagerness to get out there. This morning was his only opportunity before the wind blew itself out according to the army weather bureau. He slipped his feet into his flip flops and then got his board down, shoving his wax in his one pocket and his cigarettes and lighter in the other. 

LJ briefly lifted his head at the sound of Jim moving past his bunk and then flopped back down again. Jim grinned and left the hooch. It was beautifully clear, the early September skies a little grey overhead but cooler than it had been. This was his kind of weather and he whistled to himself as he made his way through the hooches and got to the road, waiting for his companion to show up. 

Sure enough it wasn’t long before a jeep came rattling along and Jim smiled as it slowed long enough for Ross to hop out. He had a towel over one shoulder and a grin on his face. 

‘Hi.’ His hazel eyes were sparkling. ‘Here I am.’

‘Yeah.’ Jim wanted nothing more than to kiss him. Ross was windswept and looked young and happy. They started off down the road, taking their time and chatting about their previous day. It had been a week since the wedding, and Demelza and Flint were due to come home from honeymoon that afternoon. Ross had broken protocol and told Jim about Demelza being pregnant and they were both anticipating a party later. 

They got to the edge of the bluff and the stretch of beach used for surfing. Jim wasn’t the first out there but there were only a few others out on the sand or in the water. He stood and stared out at the ocean, watching the waves and getting their measure, turning when he heard a click to see that Ross had his camera and had obviously just taken a picture of him judging from his smug grin. 

‘You’ve turned into a regular shutterbug with that damn thing.’ he laughed and planted his board long enough to take off his t-shirt and flip flops. He chucked his shirt at Ross and then took out his cigarettes and lighter and handed them over, before doing the same with the wax and getting to work on his board. 

‘I like it.’ Ross said. ‘Maybe I should have been a photographer.’ He sat down and lit a cigarette from Jim’s pack and watched him, smoking and blowing it out so that it was caught and carried away by the wind. 

‘Maybe.’ Jim replied. ‘You’re one hell of a doctor though, Ross. I think you do a lot more good like this.’

‘Really?’ The compliment made Ross’ face light up. 

‘Of course.’ Jim snorted. ‘You’re damn good at what you do.’ His smile went crooked. ‘Too bad I can’t brag about what a wonderful man my fiance is.’ 

Ross laughed. They had been stupidly happy since the night of the wedding, that single interaction breaking down a wall they hadn’t known existed between them. 

‘Not everyone catches a doctor.’ he replied and Jim laughed with him and chucked the wax at him. 

‘Watch my things, asshole.’ He got up and tucked his board under his arm then watched the waves for a moment longer, thinking about which side of the break he wanted to go out on first and then the damn camera clicked again. Jim shot Ross a look and got an unrepentant smile in return as he lowered the camera. 

‘What?’ He was beaming. ‘You’ve got your shirt off.’

‘Great, so now I’m adding sexual perversion to the list.’ Jim came over and stole the cigarette for a quick drag. He handed it back and the sparks bounced off each other as their fingers connected. 

‘Go surf, beach bunny.’ Ross’ voice was suggestive. Their eyes locked and Jim knew it was going to be one of those days. 

‘Don’t go anywhere, Doc.’ he instructed. ‘I have plans for you later.’

The water was warm as it usually was and Jim paddled out beyond the breakers and sat up, riding the waves. He looked back at the beach and saw that Ross was now stretched out on his towel, probably already sleeping. He turned his attention back to the water and settled in for the morning. 

*********

Ross woke up a couple of hours later to a faceful of spray as Jim stood over him and shook like a wet dog. 

‘Fuck’s sake.’ He held up a hand to ward off the spray, but it did no good. 

‘Get up.’ Jim was all wet, droplets beaded on bare skin and his nipples hardened from the air moving over them. It was extremely distracting and Ross had to force himself to focus. ‘I’m starving.’

‘USO?’ Ross sat up and brushed sand off his arms. 

‘Yeah.’ Jim was now drying himself off. ‘Or we can head down to the marine’s beach.’

‘USO.’ Ross replied, getting up. ‘They can actually cook.’

The sun was beating down now, the early morning mist burned away. They ambled along the road as the base came to life around them, stopping off to unload the surf board. At the USO they stopped and bought cigarettes and then went inside. The place was quiet and they took the table furthest from the USO girls' stand and ordered breakfast. 

‘So how about this?’ Ross gave Jim a cautious look. ‘I have until April at the army hospital. Then I can move across to Cali and we can start looking for something. Your tour will be up at the end of February so that gives you some time to spend with Rob before I get down there.’ 

‘Sounds cool.’ Jim was smiling at him, and it made Ross feel so good to see that. This conversation had started at the cook-out and to their mutual surprise it had been completely serious. The plans they were making sounded rock solid to both of them and Ross had been delighted when Jim had ventured the idea of coming to live with him and Rob until they had decided exactly where they wanted to be. 

‘Are you sure Rob’s going to be okay with this?’ he asked and Jim nodded. 

‘I already sent a letter telling him you’re coming.’ He grinned at the look of trepidation that crossed Ross’ face. ‘Don’t worry, he’s not the judging type. I think he’s gonna be real excited to meet you.’ They fell silent as the waitress appeared with their food and then started eating. 

‘I know.’ Ross said. ‘It’s just that your place is small and I don’t want to intrude.’ 

‘You won’t be.’ Now Jim’s smile was wicked. ‘And it’s not like you’re going to need your own bed.’

That was enough to make Ross drop his fork and the girls at the end all looked up at them. Ross blushed furiously and picked it back up, his eyes fixed on his plate. He had not got as far as sleeping arrangements. 

‘You okay?’ He could hear the laughter in Jim’s voice. ‘You’re kinda pale.’ 

‘It’s just that.’ Ross hissed back at him. ‘He’s going to know…’

‘Know what?’ Jim interjected, lowering his voice. ‘That I fuck you?’

‘Shhhh.’ Ross threw a look back at the USO girls, but they were thankfully paying no attention to them now the little show was over. Jim shut up, but a second later, Ross felt his bare foot nudge his own and the thrill of it clashed violently with the overwhelming terror of being caught. 

‘You should see your face.’ he snickered. ‘You look like you just got caught with your hand in the cookie jar.’ 

‘Asshole.’ Ross shook his head, moving his foot away. 

After breakfast they started the long walk back to the 91st, taking the pathway down past the Amphitheatre to to beach and wading in the shallows. The beach was crowded already and there was a game of catch going on. They had dodge the players a few times and Ross did catch the ball once, throwing it back with unerring accuracy. 

‘That I don’t understand.’ Jim laughed. ‘How the hell did a jock end up so damn smart?’

‘Shut up.’ Ross shoved him playfully. ‘Like I had a damn choice in the matter.’

‘I can just see you now, Mr Homecoming King.’ Jim was shaking with laughter. ‘Man, I wouldn’t have stood a chance with you, would I?’

‘Yeah, you would.’ Ross gave him a sidelong look. ‘Cute little blond like you?’ Now he was getting into the swing of things. ‘Bet you were cute enough to be a cheerleader.’

‘Christ.’ Jim burst out laughing. ‘Is that seriously your thing?’

‘No.’ Ross protested. ‘You’re my thing.’ They were well past the people on the beach now and he took a quick look around. There was a rocky outcrop up ahead and he waited until they had skirted around it and then grabbed Jim’s wrist and towed him along. He got close enough to press him against the wall of rock and then ducked his head, kissing Jim on the mouth and feeling him shiver. 

‘You’re playing a dangerous game, Doc.’ he breathed when they parted and Ross nosed at him, giving him one last kiss before he let him go. 

‘What game is that?’ He felt cocky at how Jim was now all flushed, the evidence of how Ross has affected him written all over his face. ‘Is it the one where we go back to the hooch and you make me scream?’

‘Jesus fuck.’ Now Jim was staring at him boldly, his eyes daring Ross to take it further. ‘How fast can you move, Mr Touchdown?’

‘Fast enough.’ Ross made a grab for him and Jim took off, hurtling down the beach far faster than Ross had thought he’d be able to. He gave chase and they ran all the way to the bottom of the bluff where the steps went up. They walked up, the shifting ground making running impossible. It was too long though, the feelings between them running hot as they kept looking at each other. The pathway through the base seemed to be a hundred miles long and Ross could feel his heart thumping as they got closer and closer. It had been two weeks since that last morning and his body was crying out for it. 

They slowed as they got to the line of buildings. Now the arousal was starting to get out of hand and Ross was getting hard just thinking about what they would be doing in only a few short moments. A couple of nurses walked past them and they exchanged greetings. They finally got to the hooch and Ross’ hands were shaking as he unlocked the door and herded Jim in, checking as he always did that the coast was clear. Once inside, he locked it securely behind him and turned around to turn the radio on.

Jim was standing there and now Ross could see the arousal on his face and the way his eyes glittered as he stepped forward and took hold of Ross’ shirt in both hands and kissed him. It was bordering on desperate and Ross opened his mouth the second he felt the brush of Jim’s tongue, letting him in and responding with all the passion he felt welling up inside him. He took Jim’s face in his hands and kissed him until he could hardly breathe. 

‘Jesus, Doc.’ Jim’s voice was rough. ‘What the fuck has gotten into you?’ His hands were already pulling at Ross’ t-shirt and Ross lifted his arms to allow him to pull it off and throw it on the floor. He shoved at his shorts, kicking them away and gasping when Jim wrapped his hand around his cock. He let his head fall back against the door and moaned as Jim stroked him.

‘Fuck me.’ He opened his eyes and looked down at Jim. ‘I want you.’ 

Jim stepped away from him and nodded at the bed.

‘Get on there.’ he ordered and Ross moved as quick as lightning, getting on the bed. He felt Jim behind him and then his hand was between his shoulder blades and Ross ended up face first in the bed. Even as he lifted his head, he felt Jim’s hands on him and then cried out when Jim came in close, tongue dragging over his skin. He licked over Ross’ backside, long sweeps of his tongue before he pulled him open and started doing the same. Ross whined and grabbed hold of the sheet underneath him, the gentle licks undoing him like nothing else could. Jim moaned with him, the scratch of his stubble making Ross hiss. He was now burning up from the inside out, cock leaking onto the bed underneath him and his fingers tightening convulsively on the sheets.

He gasped as Jim pushed his thumb in, licking around it slowly and easing it in and out a few times. He knew how to do this, how to play Ross’ body until he was so deep down in pleasure that he was sure he’d he’d never find his way back. 

The thumb disappeared, replaced by Jim’s tongue pushing in and Ross started to shake with every gentle overture. He was panting into the bed, his skin feeling hypersensitive and when Jim pulled back and replaced his tongue with two fingers, Ross had to bite down and stifle the cry that threatened. It felt so good, the burn subsiding quickly and eased by Jim coming back in to lick around his fingers again. He rubbed over Ross’ prostate, the sensation almost overwhelming. 

‘Come on, baby.’ He sounded broken already. ‘Come for me.’

Ross let go, the pleasure taking him up and up along with the relentless friction of Jim’s fingers until he lost it. His whole body went rigid, the orgasm so powerful he lost all sense of himself for a few moments. It didn’t subside though, Jim keeping him carefully balanced on the edge until it came again. They’d discovered this on R & R, how Ross’ body was so superbly responsive that he could come a few times just from this. 

‘God…’ He blurted the words out, and heard Jim chuckle behind him. The fingers eased out and then he was being turned over onto his back. Jim came to kneel over him and Ross saw that he’d shucked his shorts, his own cock standing proud and wet at the head. Jim leaned over and ran both hands down his chest, thumbing over his nipples. He circled them, stopping to lick each one and then went back and it felt like all of the heat in Ross’ body centred down to those two points of contact. He looked up at him, seeing Jim’s dilated pupils and the way the light filtered through the blinds made him look like he was glowing. He still had his t-shirt on, the brilliant white contrasting starkly with his tanned skin and Ross wanted nothing more than this forever. He let himself look as he submitted to Jim’s sweet torture, imprinting everything on his memory. Jim was breathing deep and slow, the smell of his body making its way inside Ross’ senses. 

‘God, you’re so fucking beautiful…’ He came down, lowering his head and tongue flicking out as he licked one nipple and then the other. Ross could feel his cock sliding along his own, their wetness commingling on his skin. He raised his hands to hold onto the bed and arched up into Jim’s mouth. Jim took his time, a luxury that they had both had learned to appreciate, tracing circles and flicking Ross’ nipples until they were hard before taking them into his mouth one at a time and sucking on them until Ross was insensible with pleasure. He moved, chasing the contact between them, and Jim thrust down against him. It was like being shocked, the slip slide of their cocks now more intense as they got wetter and wetter with each passing moment and Ross whined in protest when Jim batted his hand away when he tried to take them both in hand.

Jim lifted his head, eyes burning. 

‘I’m going to make you come so hard, baby.’ He licked once up Ross’ chest, his eyes fixed on him the whole time as he trailed his tongue up Ross’ throat to his chin. 

‘Please...God...yes.’ Ross was gone and when he felt Jim get off the bed, he didn’t have the strength to do anything about it. He felt the thump next to him and knew Jim had gone for the lube. He opened his eyes and watched as Jim unscrewed the top and coated his cock before getting back on the bed and hiking Ross’ legs up, pulling them open as he moved between them. He locked eyes with him again. 

‘Ask me.’ The heat in his voice made Ross shiver. 

‘Fuck me.’ He bit the words off. ‘Please…’

Jim leaned over onto one hand, guiding himself in with the other. Ross bowed up into the pressure, feeling Jim’s cock penetrating him in one easy stroke that brought them flush against each other. He was stretched wide, the position they were in meaning Jim’s cock was riding right up against his prostate. It was mind-blowingly good and he hiked his legs up to get Jim deeper. Jim obliged, thrusting in and out slowly so that the pressure built up inside him. He moved deliberately, every stroke a devastating blow to Ross’ prostate. 

‘That’s it baby.’ he breathed. ‘I wanna feel you…’ 

Ross reached for him, grabbing the t-shirt and hauling it up. Jim moved to help, lifting one hand to grab it behind his head and together they yanked it over and off with Ross hurling it to the side. Jim came crashing back down on him, their mouths colliding as he started driving in hard. Ross was helpless to do anything but hang onto him, hands splayed across Jim’s back and feeling sweat slick skin and muscles working as he lost himself in the heat between them. 

Jim moaned into his mouth and he moved one hand to Ross’ neck as he broke away to pant. Ross looked up at him, drowning in the endless ocean of Jim’s eyes and knowing it would never be this good ever again. 

‘I love you.’ he breathed and Jim looked pained, dropping down to kiss him again and again. It built to fever pitch and Ross shuddered as he started to come again. Jim felt it and went harder, the bed slamming into the wall of the hooch. 

‘I love you.’ He kissed Ross once more, the gentleness in it at odds with the way he was ploughing into him. ‘Come for me.’

Ross reached down for himself and threw his head back as he felt it take him, the orgasm just as strong as the ones before and knocking him out. He came hard enough for it to make Jim bite off a strangled cry as he bore down around his cock, his own climax ripped from him. 

It seemed to go on forever, both of them feeding off each other until they could do nothing but hang on and battle for breath. Ross felt Jim shaking under his hands and held onto him, pulling him close until they were glued together, his cum making a sticky mess between them. Jim started laughing, light and happy, and it made Ross feel like he was floating away. 

‘Asshole.’ he grumbled. ‘Now I’m a fucking mess.’

Ross kissed the top of his head and tightened his arms around him. 

‘Quit complaining.’ he retorted. ‘You fucking love it.’

‘I fucking love you.’ Jim laughed into his neck. 

*****

They fucked until the sun started to go down, only stopping to smoke and drink sodas from the bar fridge in the hooch. Jim lost count of how many times he made Ross come, hoarding each one greedily. He was now on his knees, watching it unfold in front of him for the final time as he sucked Ross’ cock. Ross was beyond words, able to only pant softly and moan every time Jim used his tongue on him. He looked so beautiful, his skin shiny with sweat, his curls damp and matted and his hazel eyes blurry with arousal. His dark brows drew down as Jim drove him closer and closer until he finally came with a strangled cry in Jim’s mouth. 

Jim licked him clean and lay back down. He was still hard and Ross moved to take hold of him, his strokes lazy and uncoordinated. They kissed as Ross jacked him off slowly and Jim breathed in his smell and kissed his neck, licking at the salt on Ross’ skin until he followed, the climax muted but still so good. 

They lay and smoked the last of his cigarettes. Ross had his head on his shoulder and he smiled against Jim’s skin. 

‘I can’t wait for this to be real.’ he murmured and Jim chuckled. 

‘This ain’t real enough for you, baby?’ he asked and Ross managed to get up onto one elbow and look at him.

‘You know what I mean.’ he persisted. ‘After this.’

Jim smiled at him, pushing a dark curl out of his eyes. 

‘Our home.’ He liked the way those words sounded. Ross’ face lit up. 

‘Yeah.’ He kissed the tip of Jim’s finger. ‘Our place. Anywhere you want.’

‘Next to the beach?’ Jim ventured and he nodded. 

‘Just tell me where.’ he replied and Jim felt his heart overflow with love for this man who he knew would do anything for him. 

‘You remember I told you about Moonrise?’ he asked.

‘The place you go surfing.’ Ross smiled. ‘You want to live there? Not San Francisco?’

‘I’m not a city kind of guy.’ Jim ran his thumb over Ross’ mouth. ‘I like the trees out there and the quiet.’

‘Done.’ Ross leaned down and kissed him. 

They got up about a half hour later and got dressed. Ross walked him to the door and kissed him goodbye.

‘I’ll catch you tomorrow, Hawk.’ He held the door open for him. 

‘Here’s hoping it’s a quiet day.’ Jim said. They were both on the early shift the next day. He shifted from one foot to the other, smiling at him. ‘I’ll see you between rides then.’

‘I love you.’ Ross whispered the word and Jim looked at him steadily. 

‘Me too, Doc.’ He turned but didn’t hear the door close, knowing that Ross would watch him all the way until the end of the pathway.

He started the walk back down from the 91st, taking the beach route again and stopping to swim and wash Ross’ smell off of him. He was dry by the time he got back to the hooch and he heard the music and sounds of revelry before he hit the end of the line of buildings. The whole hooch was in full party mode when he walked in, the air thick with cigar smoke and everyone drinking what seemed to be champagne from paper cups. Flint was in the middle, grinning from ear to ear. 

‘Jim!’ he roared and waved him over. ‘Where the hell you been, boy?’

‘I had shit to do.’ Jim laughed as he was more or less shoved into the centre of the commotion. ‘What the hell’s all this.’

‘I’m gonna be a dad!’ Flint yelled, so happy he seemed about to explode. Jim grinned. He of course already knew this, but he didn’t have to pretend when he saw the delight on Flint’s face. He looked at LJ and Benny, and they seemed every bit as thrilled. 

‘That’s great fucking news, man.’ He threw both arms around Flint and hugged him hard. Flint let him go and pointed a finger at him. 

‘This is gonna be a lucky fucking kid.’ he declared. ‘It’s gonna have more godfathers than it knows what to do with.’ He kept one arm around Jim’s neck. ‘Hey Callaghan, get Hawk a drink.’

‘Roger that.’ Callaghan bellowed back over the music and seconds later Jim had a paper cup of warm champagne pressed into his hand.

‘A toast.’ Flint declared. ‘To the best goddamn crew I coulda ever asked for.’ He looked around at them, the four of them all there together. ‘You guys are like my brothers and I love all of you.’ He pressed a smack to Jim’s temple. ‘Even you, shortass.’

‘Fuck off.’ Jim laughed. ‘Just because you know your goddamn dick works.’

‘Man, it’s gonna be a beautiful baby.’ Benny grinned. 

‘Only if it looks like Dem.’ LJ laughed. 

‘My mama damn near had a conniption.’ Flint crowed. ‘I swear she dropped the damn phone and went to tell the neighbours while I was still talking to her.’

‘Well, it’s gonna be the first grandchild.’ LJ grinned. ‘Those are always special. My mama was the same.’

‘It’s gonna be a Taurus.’ Kellerman pointed out. ‘Those are easy kids. You’re lucky.’ He glared when they jeered at him. ‘What, it’s true.’

‘Goddamn hippy.’ Callaghan said affectionately as he got him in a headlock. Kellerman struggled briefly then gave up and tried to drink his champagne upside down.

‘This stuff tastes like shit.’ Cooper was looking singularly unimpressed. ‘I say we blow this joint and head down to the Stingers. They’re always good for drinks when a guy knocks his old lady up.’

‘Jesus, Coop.’ RJ laughed. ‘You’re such an asshole.’ 

‘A smart asshole.’ Cooper retorted. 

They let Jim get dressed and took their ration cards and headed down to the Stingers’ HQ, another timber structure, although this one on stilts and harbouring all sorts of strange fauna inside that came to beat the heat. Their crest was painted on the outside, the hornet in yellow and brown indicating just who this place belonged to. They were a proud bunch, much given to rowdiness and hard drinking as befitting their status as combat pilots but they always made the medevac crews feel welcome and there was little in the way of rank and file once inside.

The news of Flint’s impending fatherhood was cause for extreme celebration and the drinks ran freely well into the evening. Flint was now three sheets to the wind, laughing and generally being fussed over by a bunch of men that already had kids and were offering him all sorts of advice, most of which had LJ snorting into his whiskey.

‘Goddamn idiots.’ he muttered affectionately. ‘Christ, that kid’s going to get experimented on.’

‘At least Dem’s a nurse.’ Benny grinned. ‘She’ll stop him from doin’ anything too dumb.’

‘Yeah, I suppose.’ LJ drained his glass and gave Benny a pointed look. ‘Drinks, Benjamin.’

Benny got up, navigating his way from their table at the back rather unsteadily on his way to the bar. LJ sat back and lit another cigarette and then looked across the table at the third member of their party who was deep in thought.

‘Penny for ‘em.’ he said around his cigarette and Jim shrugged.

‘Not much to tell.’ he replied and LJ raised an eyebrow at him.

‘Like hell there ain’t.’ he retorted. ‘You forget I can read you like a goddamn book, James.’

Jim shrugged and then shifted in his seat.

‘I don’t know if you want to know.’ He watched LJ’s reaction and grinned at the exasperation on his face.

‘Just tell me already.’ he said.

Jim inhaled on his cigarette and regarded him, then decided that maybe a second opinion was a good idea.

‘Ross is moving down to come live with me after.’ he ventured and watched LJ’s expression change to something bordering on shock. He gave him a look and snorted. ‘Okay, maybe you weren’t ready to hear that.’

‘No. God, no.’ LJ was backpedalling, realising that his reaction had given him away. ‘It’s just…can he do that?’

‘What, leave Boston?’ Jim asked. ‘It was his idea.’

‘So you two will…live together?’ LJ now looked concerned. ‘Is that even safe?’

‘We just say we’re roommates.’ Jim explained. ‘We get a place with two bedrooms and nobody’s the wiser if we’re careful.’

‘Fuck.’ LJ huffed. ‘That is a shitty state of affairs, if you don’t mind me sayin’ so.’

‘You’re not wrong.’ Jim admitted. ‘But it’s better than getting’ shopped for it.’ He leaned his head back against the wall. ‘So what do you think?’

‘Of you two livin’ together?’ LJ considered. ‘I think it’s a good idea. Christ knows he makes you happy.’

That made Jim smile.

‘Yeah, he does.’ He sighed. ‘Rob could freak a little. I’m not sure how he’s gonna take it.’

‘He’s your father and he loves you.’ LJ replied. ‘What would he do if Ross was a woman?’

‘Not bat an eye.’ Jim said. ‘But Ross is not a woman.’

‘No, but Rob knows who you are and he’s never made a big deal out of it. Look at it this way, if you were my kid I would just be happy as hell you’d found someone you love.’ LJ pointed out.

‘I guess so.’ Jim contemplated that particular notion.

LJ was right. Rob had never ever judged him for who he was, even if he didn’t always understand. He’d stuck by Jim thoughout everything they had endured together with Rose dying and Jim’s troubles at school. Jim smiled to himself as he recalled how Rob had been stoic in the face of his hidden stash of gay porn that had been discovered by accident or that time he’d walked in on him and one of the nameless boys from school getting hot and heavy on Jim’s bed when he hadn’t been expected home. All that had come of that was the question of whether Jim was going to get himself in trouble, if what he was doing could land him in jail. That was something Rob would have moved heaven and earth to save him from and something Jim had always appreciated, just like when he’d gotten beaten up at school and Rob had stepped in to protect him.

‘He’s been a good father to you, James.’ LJ said, obviously reading Jim’s expression. ‘He’s going to be just as happy for you as we are. And Ross is a fine man. He’s educated and decent and anyone would be proud to have him as their…’ He trailed off. ‘Well, you know what I mean.’

Jim nodded and then looked over as Benny made his way back with the drinks.

‘Look, can we keep this between us?’ he asked and LJ nodded.

‘Sure thing.’ He smiled at Jim and then waited until Benny got to the table, taking his drink with a gracious nod. ‘My thanks, young man.’

Benny handed Jim his beer and sat down, his face wreathed in smiles.

‘We’re gonna have a hungover crew chief later.’ he said.

‘Well, he’s gonna be a sorry ass crew chief if that’s the case.’ LJ chuckled. ‘Six to six ain’t no picnic.’ 

‘At least it’ll be daylight.’ Jim replied. ‘Guess we should probably hustle after this one. It’s already ten.’

Benny stole one of his cigarettes and grinned as he looked at Flint. 

‘He looks so damn happy.’ he said. 

‘Yeah.’ LJ smiled. ‘It does me good to see him like that.’ He lifted his glass.’ ‘Here’s to somethin’ good coming out of this goddamn mess we find ourselves in.’

‘I second that.’ Jim said. LJ grinned at him in reply and they drank.

An hour later they dragged a near insensible Flint out the bar and back across the strip to their line of hooches, trying to keep him quiet. 

‘You know.’ he slurred, hanging onto Benny’s arm like a drowning man. ‘I love you guys.’

‘Uh-huh.’ LJ was clearly amused. ‘We know you do, buddy. Now shut your drunk ass up before we get hauled in by the MPs.’ 

Next to him, Jim laughed and then looked up as the sound of a bird reached his ears. They all watched as the Huey came overhead, making its way towards the 91st. 

‘That’s 81.’ Benny remarked, hauling Flint back up onto his feet again. ‘Wonder what they got.’

‘It’s bee pretty fuckin’ hairy up there.’ Jim replied. ‘I hope it’s cooled down a little tomorrow.’

‘Like hell it will.’ LJ snorted. ‘Thank Christ I only got another four months of this shit.’

‘Yeah.’ Benny now looked downcast. LJ was the first of them due to ship out back home. ‘That’s gonna suck.’

‘Nah.’ LJ laughed. ‘You’re gonna be glad nobody’s raggin’ on your dumb ass for a change.’

‘No, I won’t.’ Benny protested. ‘I’m real glad I got put in with you guys. I think it would have been fuckin’ awful with anyone else.’

‘Awwww.’ Flint gave him a bleary smile. ‘That’s adorable, Benjamin.’ He tried to stick his finger in Benny’s cheek and almost fell over. 

‘Fuck off.’ Benny protested. ‘Or I’m gonna drop your ass here and you can sleep it off.’

They finally managed to get him into the hooch and to his cot. Benny dropped him face first and he simply lay thee and passed out almost instantaneously. 

Jim moved to his own bed and sat down, unlacing his boots while Benny headed out and off to the heads. He hauled off one boot and then realised LJ was watching him. 

‘I think it’s a real good idea.’ he said softly and jim realised what he was alluding to. 

‘I hope so.’ he replied. ‘I’m kinda scared shitless but at the same time it feels like something that I’ll regret if I never do it.’

‘If you’d asked me about this before, I would’ve said you headin’ for a world of hurt.’ LJ sounded thoughtful. ‘But watching the two of you reminds me of what it was like when I fell in love with Angie and now i couldn’t imagine my life without her and the boys. It completes you, having that kind of love. You need to hold onto it and you need to hold onto him. You two are the real deal.’ 

‘Thank you.’ Jim was deeply touched. He knew it had taken a while for LJ to take to the idea of he and Ross being together but he’d been nothing but supportive once he could see it made Jim happy.

‘You know I appreciate it. You and them. I wouldn’t have made it through this far without you in my corner on this.’

‘I know, James.’ LJ was smiling and it was that look that made Jim certain that if he’d sat in a classroom with LJ in front of him, he’d have hero-worshipped the man. ‘Now get some sleep. We’ve probably got a long ass day in front of us tomorrow.’

They got undressed and got into their cots. Benny came in a few moments later, swearing as he tripped over in the dark, finally making it to his cot. After that, the hooch fell silent with the only sound that of sleeping men. 

*******

Up at the 91st, Ross was restless. It was too hot and he couldn’t get comfortable. 

‘Jesus, just go to sleep already.’ Dwight muttered from his side. 

‘I can’t.’ Ross huffed and sat up. He felt around for his cigarettes and lit one and Dwight sat up as well, holding out a hand. Ross handed them over and they sat and smoked in the dark, the glow of their embers lighting up their faces when they inhaled. 

‘I can’t believe it’s only another two months.’ Dwight said. ‘You know what you’re going to do when you get your discharge?’

‘Yeah, I have a couple of ideas.’ Ross smiled to himself in the dark, thinking of the conversation he’d had earlier in the day. ‘I was thinking about California.’

‘Oh really?’ Dwight sounded like he was grinning. ‘That wouldn’t be because you’re chasing a certain blond, would it?’

‘Might be.’ Ross chuckled. ‘He gets his 214 at the end of February, so he’s going home to see Rob and then when I’m done I’ll head down that way.’

‘What about your family?’ Dwight sounded hesitant. ‘I mean, are you going to tell them why?’

‘No.’ Ross shook his head. ‘Not a damn word. They’re going to be pissed either way so fuck it. It’s my life and I don’t need their support. They would probably cut me out if I told them about Jim anyway.’

‘Maybe.’ Dwight looked at him. ‘Maybe not.’

‘Trust me.’ Ross sighed. ‘It’s better this way.’

‘Yeah.’ Dwight stubbed out his cigarette. ‘Cali’s good though. Not a bad plan.’

‘Where are you and Caro going to end up?’ Ross asked, leaning over to put his cigarette out and then lying back down again. 

‘I don’t know.’ There was a smile in Dwight’s voice. ‘I hear California’s nice, and I’ll already know someone out there.’

Ross laughed and then settled back down. This time when he closed his eyes, all he could see was Jim’s smile like sunlight on water and he finally fell asleep to dreams about their new life. 

*******

The morning came with bright sunlight and the sound of LJ’s alarm clock going off. It was something of a standing joke that he had it, but it kept them timely. 

‘Fuck.’ Flint moaned, one arm over his eyes. ‘Please God say it ain’t so…’

‘Time to get up.’ LJ ordered from his cot. ‘You’ll feel better once you have some coffee.’

Jim laughed from where he was doing his sit ups on the floor, Benny mirroring him on the other side of the hooch. 

‘I don’t think coffee’s gonna be enough.’ he remarked and Flint gave him the finger and then groaned because the sun had managed to find his eyes. 

They all headed for the showers and Jim was standing under the water, letting it wash away the cobwebs of sleep and ease out the muscles in his shoulders. Next to him, Flint was leaning against the wall looking a little green. 

‘Christ.’ His eyes were bloodshot. ‘Last goddamn time I’m drinking the hooch.’

‘You know you say that every damn time you do.’ LJ admonished, soaping his armpits. ‘You and Benny.’

‘Except this time I didn’t.’ Benny sounded smug and Flint lobbed his washcloth at him. 

After they showered they took their places at the line of sinks, shaving and brushing their teeth. LJ ran a hand over his chin. 

‘Looking forward to getting my beard back.’ he said and Benny laughed out loud. 

‘You had a beard?’ he asked. 

‘Yep.’ LJ replied. ‘I look damn good.’ He nodded at Benny in the mirror. ‘You should try it.’

‘Nope.’ Benny laughed. ‘It’s too damn patchy for that.’ He caught Jim’s eye in the mirror and Jim grinned at him. 

‘It’ll grow in.’ he assured him. ‘Mine was the same when I was nineteen.’ 

‘Hey.’ LJ said and nodded at where Flint was standing and actually dozing on his feet. ‘What you say we wake Sleeping Beauty up?’

After they dressed they headed for the mess and had breakfast, all of them loading up for the day on eggs, bacon and toast with extra coffee for Flint. Then it was down to the revetment. LJ headed off to get their roster forms and Jim and Flint started their checks while Benny went through his kit. There was nothing on the CB yet and they all went to chat with Ortiz for a while before they went to sit around in the hut and wait for a mission to be called in. They were on first call, with 68 on second and it wasn’t long before a card game got started.

Jim refrained and sat in a chair in the corner under the ceiling fan, sweat already drenching him under the arms and down the back of his flight suit as he made himself comfortable and reached for one of the paperbacks that littered the space and started reading. Across from him Flint was collapsed in the other chair. He leaned his head on one hand, trying in vain to keep his eyes open before finally giving up and dropping off. The others looked up at his none too gentle snores and Callaghan chuckled. 

‘He’s gonna regret last night later.’ he declared. ‘Gonna be sweating that shit out all day.’

‘Tell me about it.’ Benny grumbled. ‘The whole damn bird’s gonna stink like a bar room floor.’

They snickered as the cards were dealt and Jim grinned to himself and went back to reading.

******

Ross walked down the walkway to the E & R, stopping to crush his post breakfast cigarette underfoot before going inside and saying good morning to the day shift of nurses and GMOs. 

Demelza was already there at her post, checking through supplies and sending a GMO off to get more stocks of things she deemed them to be running low on. She smiled at him as he came over.

‘Good morning.’ She sounded extremely cheerful. ‘Looks like it’s going to be a beautiful day today.’

‘Let’s hope it’s also a quiet one.’ Ross replied and went to do his rounds. The wards were all full and it would take him a good hour to get around and see everyone. He spent time talking to some of the soldiers who were laid up, all waiting for their ticket home or back into active duty. The usual time was four days, but the many offensives meant they were sometimes getting recycled faster, something none of the medical staff were happy about. 

When he got back, Dwight was on the CB. He nodded at Ross and Ross jogged down to the R & E. It wasn’t even eight o’clock yet. 

*******

The groans coming from the back of the bird were awful to hear. The young soldier they had picked up had been unlucky enough to step on a mine and both of his feet had been blown off, leaving nothing but shreds of flesh and mangled bone. Benny was working on him while Flint attached the Iv to the hook that held it up. 

Up front Jim gritted his teeth and ignored the noises as best he could. It was always heart-rending to hear guys that came in whining like wounded animals, so much pain and fear in them that they couldn’t even verbalise. 

‘Christ.’ LJ muttered. ‘Hell of a way to start the goddamn day.’ 

Jim nodded. It had taken about an hour for them to get the first call out, the siren from the revetment startling Flint out of his nap and getting the rest of them on their feet. Getting into Susie had been like getting into an oven and Flint had had the door open the whole way up country, his legs hanging over the side and resting on the skids so that he could get some air and try and throw off his hangover. 

Now the heat only made the stink of blood and disinfectant worse and Jim was feeling it today. His chicken plat felt like it weighed about a hundred pounds and he was sweating enough for his hair to be wet under his helmet. It was days like this when he was tempted to leave the body armour off, but he also knew all too well the price he’d pay if a bullet him him in the wrong place so he suffered through it. 

Next to him, LJ was calling in their ETA and giving Dwight an update on their casualty. He looked at Jim and raised an eyebrow.

‘Ten minutes out.’ Jim replied and banked Susie as they came down over the foothills around the base. The sea was now visible in the distance and he took them down a hundred feet. 

By the time they came out over the base, the soldier was quiet and that was not a good sign at all. Jim had flown enough casualties to know that when they stopped crying in pain, it usually meant they were on their way into shock so deep they often didn’t pull back out of it. 

‘Fuck.’ Benny sounded concern. ‘Come on, we need to get him in now!’

‘Doing my best.’ Jim replied evenly, but he could feel the urgency and he gunned Susie for all she was worth, knowing that even a couple of minutes could make a difference. 

Dwight was already out with a couple of GMOs when they came down to land and he ran forward, hand on his floppy brimmed hat as he directed the men with him. Flint was down out the door before they had even landed properly, guiding the litter out and into their waiting hands while Benny shouted instructions at Dwight, holding the IV as he went with them. 

Jim glanced out the window and saw Ross coming out as the soldier was carried in. He looked at LJ and got a small nod so he waited until Ross got to them and leaned in. His face was serious. 

‘That looked fucking awful.’ He glanced back at the R & E. ‘Poor bastard.’

‘Yeah.’ Jim grimaced. ‘Not pretty.’

‘They never are.’ Ross met his eyes. ‘Everything okay out there?’

‘Yeah.’ Jim answered. ‘Just hot as hell.’

‘Thank fuck we have AC.’ Ross smiled. Jim noted that in spite of said AC, there were dark patches under his arms and his hair was a mess of curls. 

The radio crackled and LJ answered it and Jim knew their little interlude was up. Benny was also on his way back from the R & E. His face was grim and Jim knew that it probably meant their soldier was not going to make it. 

Ross stepped back, one hand still on the frame. 

‘I better let you go.’ he smiled at Jim, the corners of his mouth quirking in that way of his that Jim knew meant he was not all that happy. 

‘Catch you later, Doc.’ he said and Ross nodded and started his walk back, slightly hunched over to avoid the wash from the blades. 

‘Copy that.’ LJ looked at Jim. ‘Better strap in, gents. We got another one.’

‘Fuck, already.’ Flint muttered over the intercom. ‘This day is going to blow.’

Jim eased back on the joystick and susie lifted off the ground and he turned her to take her off the bluff. 

‘Heading out on 282 North.’ Lj instructed. ‘We got five casualties, three urgent and two walking. Two chest traumas and one lower limb. All shrapnel. Mines have had a busy day so far.’

‘Fuck.’ Jim looked out over the ground below, the glare making it hard to see even with his sunglasses on. ‘How far out?’

‘About fifty klicks.’ LJ replied. ‘Should take us about twenty-five minutes.’ he called it in to Ortiz, giving him their flight time and Ortiz repeated it back then signed off. 

********

Inside the R & E, Ross watched as the GMOs took the young soldier away to be sent to the morgue detail. Dwight was standing with his head bowed, hands on his hips and gloves bloody. He looked thoroughly disheartened. 

‘Shit.’ He looked at Ross, his blue eyes full of anguish. ‘Not a damn thing I could do.’ 

‘When they arrest from shock, they’re too far gone.’ Ross replied. He’d seen it so many times in traumatic amputations and knew that the golden window for them depended on so many things that simply couldn’t be predicted. ‘You did what you could.’ 

Dwight stripped off his gloves and chucked them in the trash, the brusqueness of his movements telegraphing his anger. Like Ross, he took every loss personally. 

‘I know.’ he shook his head. ‘Fuck.’ 

‘Gentlemen.’ Anderson called from the doorway. ‘Look alive. We got 68 coming in with four more, all urgent.’

‘Christ.’ Ross went to grab a new pair of gloves and snapped them on. ‘This is turning into a bitch of a day.’

**********

‘I can’t get down there.’ Jim was frustrated as hell. He circled Susie around again but there was nothing for it. The clearing was strewn with fallen trees and there was no way in hell he would be able to land. ‘Call it in and tell them they’re gonna have to lift him up.’

‘Got it.’ LJ opened the transmission. ‘Patrol, we need you to get those men up. We can’t land and are going to hover, over.’

‘Copy that, Dust Off.’ The squad leader replied and Jim saw the men come out from the trees where they were sheltering, litters carried between them. He bought Susie down slowly, controlling the hover and feeling the joystick vibrate in his hand. He kept his breathing steady and held her about two feet off the ground above a stack of logs. 

The soldiers came over to where Flint and Benny were now leaning out to grab the litters and life them in, the men holding the casualty up as best they could. It was back breaking work, but eventually all the men were in and Benny got to work, giving Flint instructions in that cool way of his that was so at odds with his normal self. 

Jim lifted the Huey up and clear of the trees and she took off, hopping up and over the edge of the clearing and headed back to base. 

**********

The soldier on Ross’ litter was panting, his eyes glazed with pain. He’d taken three shots to the body, two in the abdomen and one in the left side of the chest. Ross had already got a chest tube in to relieve the pressure building inside and was now debriding the worst of the wounds in his stomach. It was leaking blood but not severely and Ross knew that at least nothing arterial had been damaged so he opted to leave the bullets in situ. Abdomen retrievals were tricky, the possibility of rupturing a blood vessel too high to leave to chance so he gave the GMO instructions and got the man taken off to the OR.

Next to him, Dwight was almost elbow deep in the man he was working on. He’d arrested twice and was not completely unresponsive and Dwight had opened the side of his chest in a risky move known as a thoractomy and was now doing cardiac massage to try and bring him back. 

‘I got it.’ Caroline had her stethoscope to the man’s elbow, listening for the brachial pulse. ‘It’s thready, but it’s something.’ 

Ross only had a moment to feel pleased on his behalf before the next litter was placed on his station. He took off his gloves, got some new ones and kept going. 

*******

They were almost back at Chu Lai when Ortiz radioed and redirected them to the 2nd Surgical Hospital instead. 

‘Six Eight got there before you.’ he explained and Jim felt a twinge of disappointment. He banked right and headed for the hospital on the opposite bluff, bringing Susie down and watching as Benny and Flint offloaded. The doctors here were good, extremely skilled at taking on some of the worst of their cases and Jim knew their casualties would be in good hands. 

Even as the last man was lifted down and carried away, the radio went. 

‘Five-One we got a patrol requesting dust-off, about a hundred klicks out.’ Ortiz said and LJ answered, listening as Ortiz gave him a set of coordinates. 

‘Copy that, Base.’ he frowned. ‘Kind of far?’

‘Rangers, Motor City. They got pinned down and have three casualties. They aren’t urgent but they are taking heavy fire and need to get moving. Base is giving you a snake.’ Ortiz informed them and LJ sucked the breath in through his teeth.

‘Shit.’ Jim felt a chill. A hot LZ combined with how far out they were meant it was clearly a frontline op and no doubt deep in Charlie’s territory. The fact that one of the Stingers’ birds would be accompanying them did nothing to dispel his trepidation.

‘No-one said this shit was easy.’ LJ snorted. ‘Base, we are headed out, over.’

‘Copy that, Five One.’ Ortiz replied. ‘Fly safe, over.’ 

Susie lifted off and LJ plotted out their course. It would take them much further west than they usually flew. 

‘Should take about forty-five minutes.’ he said and Jim nodded. 

‘Rendez-vous?’ he asked and LJ called Ortiz. 

‘ETA on the snake, over?’ he asked and Ortiz made that odd little humming noise he did while he was checking. 

‘They should be on your six in about five, over.’ he replied and LJ looked out the window. 

‘There they are.’ He nodded as the UH-1C gunship flew up alongside them. Jim watched as she pulled ahead, noting the machine guns and rocket launchers mounted on her side and her gunners leaning out over them, the ammunition belts catching the sun. The numbers 116 were painted just under her pilot and she had the Stinger’s hornet on her nose along with yellow skid tips which showed just which unit she belonged to.

‘Damn.’ Benny was looking out the window. ‘Ain’t she pretty?’

‘Not compared to Susie.’ Jim replied. 

‘You ever wanted to fly one though?’ Benny came to lean between the seats. ‘Just take it and blow the shit outta everything?’

‘Not once.’ Jim shivered. He disliked the idea of killing anyone intensely.

The radio crackled and the voice of the gunship’s AC came through. Jim could see him looking in their direction.

‘Yo, Motor City.’ It was Jenson, an avowed friend of the whole medevac unit. ‘You got a flight plan, over?’

‘Heading on the same bearing Big Sky, 259 west, over.’ LJ replied. ‘You draw the short straw today?’

‘Hell, it’s a fine day for flyin’ and someone’s got to do it.’ Jenson chuckled. ‘What we got waitin’ for us?’

‘Couple of stretcher cases.’ LJ replied. ‘But it’s hot.’

‘We wouldn’t be here if it weren’t.’ Jenson laughed. ‘Just keep Susie’s fat ass out of our way.’

‘Jesus.’ Jim snorted and then patched in. ‘Why don’t you go fuck yourself, Big Sky? Cause the way I see it, your bird’s so damn heavy she can’t fly for shit.’

Jenson laughed. 

‘Tell West Coast not to be so damn sensitive, over.’ He chuckled and then signed off. LJ snorted with laughter and Jim looked over to just see Jenson giving him the finger through his window. 

The chatter dropped off as they got further in. It was always like that, silence before and then noise after. The snake kept pace with them and Jim checked the landscape below. It was thick down there, the jungle almost impenetrable in places and it curved and undulated up and down to reveal rocky outcrops. The two Hueys weaved between them, the snake taking the lead. They would drop down covering fire when they got close enough so Jim could bring Susie in and pick up their casualties. 

LJ was back on the radio, talking to the Ranger on the other side. 

‘We got heavy fire.’ His voice was perfectly calm in spite of the fact that the gunshot were loud enough for Jim to hear them on his side of Susie. ‘Gotta be up and out.’

‘Roger that.’ LJ replied. ‘Make sure you got them in position, over.’ He looked at Jim and raised his eyebrows. ‘Fuck.’

Jim said nothing, slipping into that feeling of complete stillness as he focused. He watched the ground below them, checking for a place he could get the bird down long enough to pick up their casualties. He started to bring Susie slightly ahead of the snake, edging her past them.

That was when it happened. The glare meant that no-one saw the tracer until it was too late and before any of them could comprehend what was happening, the gunship exploded in a massive fireball.

The shock wave spewed out pieces of wreckage and Jim’s every instinct made him throw Susie up to try and avoid what was coming, the engine screaming in protest, but it was too late and a split second later they all felt the massive thump as the tail of the gunship hit them in the ass and the next thing Jim knew, Susie was thrown into a violent clockwise spin that made her lurch like a dying animal as she plummeted towards the ground, Jim fighting her every step of the way until his arms burned. LJ joined in but it was so quick and at the same time felt like time had stood still for that one terrible moment. They hit the trees, crashing through with a force that tore off branches and slammed them into the undergrowth so hard it knocked him clean out, blackness rushing up to meet him even as he heard nothing but the thwack of Susie’s rotors in the trees and LJ screaming.

********

Ross stood under the eaves, taking a brief moment to have a cigarette and get his head around what might be coming next. He knew that Jim was no doubt on another call out. He’d been tracking the sound of birds overhead all day and Anderson had come to tell them that the 2nd was also slammed. 

‘Hey.’ Dwight said as he came out the door. ‘You got a spare one?’

Ross handed him the cigarettes and lit one for him. Dwight sighed as he inhaled. 

‘How’s the score?’ he asked and Ross shrugged. 

‘Been better.’ He leaned back against the wall. ‘This has been a shitty day.’

‘Only eight more weeks.’ Dwight said. ‘Just keep thinking that.’ 

‘It’s what could happen in the interim that bothers me.’ Ross replied and looked to the edge of the base where the hills stretched out before them. 

*********

Jim came to with blood in his mouth and a searing pain in his shoulders. It took him a few moments to realise that he was leaning over to the left. Susie had come to land on the ground partially on her side, her fuselage crumpled like a tin can from the impact of their crash, but thankfully he could see through bleary eyes that they were at least stable. Then he heard LJ groan next to him and he turned his head, every movement hurting him. 

LJ was slumped against the side of the bird. He was being pinned in place by the instrument panel and Jim was now conscious enough to see that it looked like his legs had been crushed. He reached out with a shaking hand and touched LJ on the shoulder. His voice was croaky when he spoke and he had to try and clear his throat. 

‘John.’ He coughed, the pain in his body fading as adrenaline took hold. ‘Wake up.’

LJ groaned again and when he managed to look back at Jim, his black eyes were glassy. 

‘My leg.’ His voice was stretched tight with pain. ‘I think the damn gear shaft has gone through it.’

‘Shit.’ Jim gritted his teeth and started to reach for his harness when the door on his side slammed open and he saw Benny leaning in, his dark eyes intent. 

‘Fuck.’ He moved quickly, hands sure as they got hold of Jim’s harness. ‘You’re alive.’

Jim nodded, trying to help but not able to move his hands. The fog in his head made it feel like he was swimming through glue. 

‘LJ…’ He winced as Benny got his harness undone. ‘You have to get him out.’

‘I will, but I got to get you out first.’ Benny explained. ‘Flint’s back there covering our asses. There’s fucking Charlie everywhere. We landed right in the middle of a goddamn firefight.’ He was strangely composed and for a moment Jim wondered if he was in shock. Now that Benny had told him, other things were starting to bleed into his sense. He could hear the sounds of men shouting and gunfire, the characteristic pop of mortars going off. 

‘Benny!’ Flint was yelling from somewhere behind them. ‘You need to haul ass!’ 

‘Fuck.’ Benny grabbed Jim and Jim inhaled sharply, realising he had probably broken some ribs in the crash.

‘God.’ It came out involuntarily and Benny immediately dropped him back in his seat. 

‘We need to get this off.’ He was now working on the straps of Jim’s chicken plate, and Jim could only lie still and watch him, his head now pounding. It was worse than the knock he’d taken the night he’d gone to the R & E. Benny got the straps loose and eased it over his head, chucking it on the ground. He bent over, his strong arms around Jim as he braced to take his weight and lift him out.

Jim hung onto him, and then looked up as the sound of something caught his attention. He squinted at the man now standing in front of Suzy from where he’d pretty much melted out of the vegetation with a machine gun in his hands, but he was so out of it he didn’t even hear the shots before they hit. They had blended into the noises in the background and so the bullets that ripped through Benny and then him took him completely by surprise even as they made agony flare like a brilliant magnesium light through his chest. It felt a little like being hit by a massive blow from his board and then it was so hard to breathe that Jim felt like he was going to pass out again. In front of him, Benny had doubled over but now he was struggling back up. His face was white but he still managed to get Jim up and lift him out, even as Jim saw the man that had shot them convulsing as he was hit in turn, men in dark fatigues running to where Susie had landed and firing into the undergrowth. 

He found himself being laid on the ground. Everything was now swimming in and out of focus. He vaguely heard the sound of gunfire and shouting coming towards him and then a man was kneeling down next to him, his face painted in tiger stripes and his eyes a startling pale blue. 

‘I got him.’ He was talking to Benny a he hauled his pack off and started opening it. ‘You’ve been shot, kid. Get Shep to take a look at you.’

‘I’m okay.’ Benny protested but even as he turned back to the bird, Jim could see the dark patch growing on the back of his shirt before another two men came and got hold of him, almost having to wrestle him to the ground. The man next to Jim was now working on him, and Jim could feel his hands on his chest, ripping his flight suit open before slapping a dressing on him and applying pressure. He reached up and felt around and the medic gently removed his hand. Jim lifted it and saw that his fingers had come away red.

‘Two in the chest.’ the medic said to another ranger who was now kneeling on the other side of Jim. ‘Call it in. We need to get them out now or they aren’t gonna make it.’

‘The one in the bird?’ the radio man asked and the medic shook his head. 

‘The pilot first.’ He looked down at Jim. ‘Which dust off are you from, sir?’

That made Jim frown and he had to really try hard to focus on the medic’s voice. He tried to speak but he couldn’t. 

‘We’re Five One.’ The voice was familiar and then Jim felt his hand being taken and squeezed. ‘Hang on, Jim. We’re gonna get you outta this.’ 

Jim blinked stupidly, the pain and fuzziness now making everything seem like it was unreal. He saw Flint looking down at him, and he gave Jim a wan smile even as he held onto his hand. 

‘LJ?’ It came out in a dry whisper and Flint looked back once over his shoulder. 

‘They’re getting him out.’ he replied and Jim felt a wash of relief. ‘These guys were right around the damn corner, but they got here too late to stop you gettin’ shot.’ He swallowed hard and Jim could see the anguish on his face. ‘They took care of them though.’ He gave the medic a grateful look. 

‘He’s gonna be okay, right?’ This was from Benny and Jim turned his head enough to see that he was also being attended to, another medic working on his back.

‘I’m doing my best.’ Jim’s medic replied, his voice neutral.

‘Dust off are on their way.’ The radio man was on his feet. ‘I’m gonna go tell the LT.’

‘How long?’ the medic asked and Jim huffed, and then winced as agony lanced through him. He shivered, feeling so terribly cold, and that struck him as bizarre. 

‘Forty minutes out.’ The radio man looked down at Jim. ‘Can he hold on?’

‘He’ll hold on.’ Flint’s eyes were on Jim’s face. ‘He’s a fighter.’ 

‘Christ.’ The radio man shook his head and walked off. 

The movement of shadows across Jim’s line of sight confused him and he frowned as something was laid down next to him. 

‘Jesus…’ Flint was now staring at it and Jim heard the thing chuckle. 

‘Looks worse than it is.’ LJ groaned. ‘I can’t even feel the damn thing anymore. How’s the short stack?’

Jim wanted to reply but he couldn’t seem to make any words. Instead he just lay there and watched Flint start to cry. 

********

Ross came back from the head, only to be intercepted by Anderson in the corridor. 

‘Ross.’ He beckoned to him. ‘You got a minute?’

Ross frowned. He’d gone to the head a few minutes earlier because there was a lull in casualties but he knew he needed to get back to the R & E. 

‘Is something wrong?’ he asked, and Anderson just looked at him. 

‘Please.’ His voice was perfectly calm and that was when alarm bells rang. Ross felt his blood run cold and the next thing he knew, his stomach was in knots. He followed without another word and when they got to Anderson’s office, he stepped in and that was when he knew it had all gone to shit. 

Demelza was in the chair, her face streaked with tears and her face pale under her freckles. Ross met her eyes and he knew that something awful had happened. Anderson closed the door and he turned around to face him. 

‘When?’ he asked. 

‘They’ll be here in about thirty minutes.’ Anderson was grave. ‘We got the call while you were in the head. It’s not good news, Ross.’

‘How bad is at?’ Ross felt nauseous. He swallowed it down and tried to compose himself. 

‘We don’t know.’ Anderson said. ‘The bird’s not one of ours but they got deviated to pick them up. All we know is they’re bringing in three urgent cases and some walking wounded.’ His green eyes were sympathetic. ‘You’re sitting this one out.’

‘Like hell I am!’ Ross felt rage boil up inside him and knew he was shouting but didn’t care. 

‘You’re too close to this.’ Anderson admonished. ‘I can’t let you do it.’

‘Nothing is going to stop me from going back in there!’ Ross raged. ‘He’s going to need me!’

Anderson looked at Demelza and Ross could see he was torn. He made a conscious effort to get himself under control and when he spoke again he was quiet. 

‘You can’t ask me not to help him.’ He shook his head. ‘Please let me help him.’

Anderson was frowning and Ross knew why. If Jim came in and he couldn’t save him, he might as well die himself but Ross also knew he’d never be able to live with himself if he handed this off.

‘He might not be the one badly hurt.’ Demelza sniffled through her tears. ‘It might be Flint…’ She made a choked off sound as she tried not to sob out loud and Ross moved to take her in his arms, kneeling down next to the chair. He lifted his hands and took her face in them. 

‘Then I’ll save him for you.’ he promised and heard Anderson sigh behind him. 

‘Christ.’ he muttered. ‘Okay but the second you’re compromised you stand down.’ 

Ross got up and felt Demelza take his hand. 

‘Yes, sir.’ He looked down at her and the pleading look in her eyes went right through him. ‘I promise I’ll do that.’

*********

By the time they got him in the bird, Jim was no longer even thinking. 

He stared at the tubes swaying above him and followed them down to where they entered his arm. He hadn’t even felt the needles go in, and now he tried to make sense of what was happening to him and found he could do nothing but drown in the pain that gripped him. Benny was on his other side, watching him like a hawk. He had his one arm in a sling, his face crumpled like a child’s as he spoke to the bird’s medic, a soft drone of comforting words that Jim couldn’t understand. 

Jim turned his head and looked at LJ, lying on his other side. LJ was moaning softly, and Jim peered down as best he could, catching a glimpse of the mangled mess that was left of his leg. LJ looked back at him and held out a hand. Jim managed to make himself reach for it and felt LJ’s fingers tighten around his own. 

‘You’re gonna be okay, James.’ He was barely able to speak himself. Jim gave him a weak smile and nodded.

‘’They’re gonna have to take it off.’ The medevac medic was talking to Benny, who had obviously asked. ‘It’s completely crushed.’ 

‘Are you sure?’ He made that face again and the pain in it was awful to see. 

‘Not when it’s this bad.’ The medic was gentle in the way he spoke. ‘You know this, kid. You seen it.’

‘Yeah.’ Benny shifted to sit next to Jim. He looked down at him and Jim felt his hand on his shoulder. ‘You holdin’ up okay?’

‘It hurts like a motherfucker.’ Jim could only whisper back but it was enough to make Benny give him a wan smile. ‘How the fuck are you still standing?’

‘It’s stuck in my goddamn shoulder.’ Benny said. ‘He was too far away. Good thing otherwise we’d probably bought the damn farm.’

‘Guess you’re in the club now, Benjamin.’ Jim replied and that struck him as wildly funny. He tried to laugh but started coughing instead and the pressure in his chest built. He looked at Benny.

‘It hurts to breathe.’ He could hear how raspy he sounded.

‘It’s the blood in your chest.’ Benny explained. ‘When we get there, they’ll put a tube in it and take it all out. That’ll make it easier.’ He moved his hand and Jim felt him stroke his hair. It was soothing and he quietened down a little. 

**********

Ross stood on the landing pad and waited. His eyes were trained on the clear sky, his ears straining for the slightest sound of the Huey coming in. Next to him, Dwight had his arms folded. 

‘You let me take him.’ he said eventually. 

‘No.’ Ross was stubbornly refusing to listen to reason. ‘I work on him.’

‘If you can’t do anything it’ll break you.’ Dwight was stern. ‘I take Jim, you take whoever else is injured.’

‘Fuck you.’ Ross clenched his fists against his arms. ‘I take him. Nobody’s working on him but me.’

Anderson had sent Demelza off the triage floor but she was still there, sitting in his office. Caroline had come off her break to work in her place and the other GMOs and nurses were all prepped and waiting. They knew who was coming in and if Ross had any concerns about what 51 were coming into, he didn’t anymore. 

‘They’re coming.’ Ross turned to see Clayton standing behind them. He nodded at the sky.

Ross turned back and then he heard it a few seconds later, the steady thud of the Huey’s rotors reaching his ears as he focused and made out the black dot in the sky that was getting bigger and bigger as it approached them. 

He stood frozen in place, his eyes making out details of the bird as it came in. She landed and he started walking, bending over slightly to resist the updraft, the sound of the men around him fading out as the door slammed back and the first litter came out. 

To Ross’ shock it wasn’t Jim, but LJ. His medical instincts kicked in and he immediately started assessing, listening to the medic in the bird as he briefed him on his condition. 

‘I got this one.’ Dwight pushed past him, shouldering Ross out of the way and Ross realised he was obviously just standing and not responding. Then the next litter was handed down and he inhaled sharply when he saw Jim. 

On first examination he didn’t look too bad. He was pale and his blond hair was dark with sweat, his flight suit and t-shirt cut open to reveal two dressings, both brown with oxidised blood. One was on his right side, just under his collar bone, the other on the left and over the bottom half of his ribcage. The dressing had been left open on one side and Ross’ brain immediately started running through the injuries. 

‘BP is 84 over 46, pulse holding at 132. I’ve started Ringer’s and given antibiotics. Two wounds to the upper body, no exit wounds.’ The medic was cool, running through the information like he was reading a news report. ‘He’s responsive, but a little slow. Difficulty breathing so you might have a pneumothorax going on.’ 

Ross looked down and met Jim’s eyes, the blue-green startlingly bright against his pale face. He put a hand on his shoulder.

‘I got you.’ He put everything he had into those words and he saw Jim relax the littlest bit and he knew that whatever happened, Jim had just placed all his trust in Ross to look after him and Ross was not about to let down the person who meant the most to him. 

He walked him in, moving so the GMOs could place Jim’s litter down on the sawhorses and the got to work. Clayton was next to him, already working to get Jim’s clothes off, standard procedure to avoid infection and check that there were no other injuries. Ross got rid of the dressings and saw two circular entry wounds, their margins slightly charred. They seemed so innocuous, but he knew that anything could be going on under Jim’s skin. He placed his stethoscope on Jim’s chest, listening to the breath sounds that told him immediately that Jim’s left lung was not inflating properly, no doubt due to blood in the chest cavity that was collapsing it under the heightened pressure.

‘Chest tube.’ he instructed. One of the other nurses was now attending him, an older woman named Peggy, and she had it ready almost before he’d stopped speaking. She’s been working in an emergency room in Chicago for a long time before she’d enlisted and her competence was a godsend at a time when Ross could not afford to be anything but focused. He took the needle from her, feeling over Jim’s ribs and then glancing up at him. Jim was watching him, his face perfectly calm. 

Ross took in a breath and pushed away everything else but the need to fix what had happened to him. He inserted the needle, feeling it go through Jim’s skin and tissue until it was inside him and the drain immediately started to fill with blood. Ross watched it and then looked at Peggy, who had her own stethoscope held to the inside of Jim’s elbow, tracking his pulse.

‘One gram, Tranexamic acid.’ he instructed and she nodded and moved to get it. She was back in a few moments, injecting the medication into Jim’s IV. 

With the chest drain now in place, he taped it down to secure it and then turned his attention to the bullet wounds. Jim was breathing easier now, his chest rising and falling to a greater degree. His skin was smeared with blood and Ross wiped it away to get a clearer view of the injuries. He ran his fingers over Jim’s skin, these touches so different to the ones they normally shared. He could feel nothing on Jim’s left side and knew the bullet was more than likely embedded in his lung tissue. Thankfully the blood flow from the hole was not excessive, which meant no main vessels had been hit. The one by his collar bone seemed to have missed Jim’s lung by a hair, but it was enough to make Ross breathe a bit easier. He debrided both holes and spoke to Peggy. 

‘I’m leaving them in. OR can deal with them.’ He looked down at Jim again, checking his vitals. Jim’s pupils were responding, if a little delayed. 

‘BP is up.’ Peggy reported. ‘Pulse is down to 102.’

‘Good.’ Ross allowed himself a small smile. He stroked Jim’s hair back from his face and addressed him for the first time. ‘You dumbass. Didn’t I tell you not to do anything stupid while you were gone?’ It made his heart soar when Jim gave him a small smile. 

‘Not my fault.’ The protest was a whisper. ‘Some asshole shot our snake out the sky and they crashed into us.’

‘OR’s ready for him, sir.’ Clayton was back. ‘We gotta take him through.’

‘Okay.’ Ross was about to step back when Jim threw out a hand and caught hold of his shirt. He tugged weakly and Ross leaned down to him so their eyes locked. The seconds felt like hours as they looked at each other and communicated everything they couldn’t say out loud. 

‘Doc.’ Clayton’s voice broke through and Ross knew he had to let Jim go. 

‘I’ll be there when you wake up.’ he whispered, his heart breaking at the fear in Jim’s eyes. ‘I promise.’

Jim managed a small nod and then released his grip. Ross straightened up and let Clayton and one of the other GMOs lift Jim’s stretcher and walked with them as far as the door of the triage. He stood for a moment and watched them disappear down the corridor that lead to the OR. Then he noticed that Demelza was standing in the corridor as well, sobbing her eyes out as she held onto Flint with every bit of strength she had. 

Ross hadn’t even noticed him come through the triage, but now they looked at each other and he could see the sadness and fear etched in the lines on Flint’s face. 

‘Coming through, Doc.’ It was Reynolds behind him and Ross stepped aside to see LJ being carried through. He was hooked up to an IV and blood pack, covered with a blanket and with his lower leg exposed, tourniquet in place . Ross didn’t need to ask to know that he was going to lose it. The tissue damage was clearly so great that there was no feasible way it could be fixed. 

‘Ross!’ Dwight called from the room behind him. ‘We got three more.’ 

That brought Ross back into himself and he went back inside the room, seeing a familiar face being prepped by Peggy. He stripped off his gloves and put on new ones, shoving the ones with Jim's blood on them in his pocket before moving to inspect the hole in the back of Benny’s left shoulder.

‘How you doing?’ he asked and Benny huffed. 

‘Been better.’ he muttered, and then tried to glance over his shoulder at Ross. ‘Are they gonna be okay?’

Ross turned him back around and grabbed a probe. 

‘I hope so.’ he replied and got back to work.


	20. Spirit In The Sky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to go say goodbye, for some...

Six o’clock couldn’t come fast enough and when his shift ended, Ross bolted for the OR ward. There he spoke to one of the nurses and she nodded at a bed at the end. 

‘Silver is busy sleeping off his anaesthetic. Hawkins is still in surgery.’ She saw the worry on his face and quickly tried to reassure him. ‘That’s normal. He’s undergoing a thoractomy to remove the bullet from his left lung but of course they also need to take the other one out as well. It’ll probably be another two hours or so.’

That of course did nothing to alleviate the churning in Ross’ stomach. He needed to distract himself, and fast.

‘Do you mind if I go have a look at Silver?’ he asked and she shook her head. 

‘Not at all. If you have any questions just let me know.’ She went back to her paperwork and Ross walked down the line of beds. He saw LJ lying in the last one, his dark skin stark against the white bedlinen. There was a cage over his left leg to hold the bedding off his stump and he looked like he was asleep, still recovering from the surgery and under the influence of the medication they had given him. Ross read the notes on his chart and took a look at his leg, his professional eye assessing him carefully. 

They had removed everything from the knee down and LJ’s leg was swollen and covered in a thick layer of bandages and gauze mesh. The dressings were already stained, but Ross knew that was normal and that it didn’t indicate anything too worrying. All the blood vessels would have been carefully ligated but the leakage wouldn’t stop for a day or so. He saw that there was also a drain hanging on the end of the bed, the tube disappearing under the dressings. It was a third full of murky red liquid. 

Ross walked up to stand by the IV, checking its level. He heard a low noise and looked down to see LJ’s eyes were slightly open. He wet his lips and spoke in a croaky voice, his throat probably rough from the breathing tube that had been down it while he was under. 

‘Hey Doc.’ He blinked, groggy but still managing to focus on Ross, who scouted around for a chair and brought it over to sit next to him. He leaned over and gave LJ what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

‘You look good.’ he said. ‘The surgery seems to have gone very well.’

‘How much did they take?’ LJ rasped and Ross debated telling a white lie and then opted for the truth. 

‘Everything below the knee.’ he replied. ‘But they obviously tried to leave as much as was possible.’

‘Damn.’ LJ inhaled deeply. ‘I feel like shit and I’m thirsty as fuck.’

‘You will be.’ Ross replied and looked down at the nurses’ station. ‘You want some water?’

‘Yeah.’ LJ shifted. ‘If you don’t mind, Doc.’

‘Not at all.’ Ross got up and walked down, coming back with a plastic cup with a straw through the lid. He helped LJ sit up a bit and then fed it to him, watching carefully to make sure he took small sips. LJ lay back when he’d had enough and was quiet for a bit before he looked at Ross. 

‘Jim?’ he asked and Ross sucked in a breath to steady himself, making sure to sound calm.

‘He’s still in surgery.’ He looked towards the rear door of the ward. ‘He’ll be a couple more hours.’

‘Shit.’ LJ closed his eyes. 

‘What happened LJ?’ Ross asked. He hadn’t been able to talk to Flint, who’d had to go back to the revetment to report and get debriefed and Benny was under sedation in the R & E ward to keep him still and manage the pain from the wound in his shoulder.

‘We were coming in over a hot LZ and someone took out our gunship escort with an RPG.’ LJ explained. ‘Poor bastards took a direct hit. It chucked all kinds of shrapnel at Susie and the tail smacked us right in the ass and we went down.’ He sighed. ‘Jim and I tried to keep her up but it happened so damn fast we couldn’t do anything. We hit the trees and that was that.’

‘You’re lucky.’ Ross realised how true that was as he said the words. ‘You could have been killed.’

‘We were damn lucky, Ross.’ LJ looked at him. ‘Has someone told my family?’

‘I’m sure they would have.’ Ross replied. ‘You’ll be headed back soon, probably when they think you’re stable. Might be a month or so. They’ll probably send you to Korea first.’ 

‘Yeah.’ LJ sighed. ‘Thought we were gonna beat the odds but maybe not.’

‘You have beaten them.’ Ross said. ‘You’re alive and not going home in a goddamn box.’ He could feel anger welling up and knew it was completely inappropriate. 

‘Hey.’ LJ’s voice was soft. ‘It’s okay to be mad, Doc. But he’s alive.’

Ross looked up at him and nodded, the lump in his throat making it impossible to reply. He was scared, so much more now than when Jim had been lying on the stretcher in front of him. At least then Ross had been in control but out here he had no idea what was going on the in the OR and just had to wait like everyone else.

‘How’s Benny?’ LJ asked.

‘He’s okay.’ Ross was grateful for the chance to talk about anything else. ‘The bullet went straight into his shoulder and stayed there. He’s so damn big it didn’t even fracture the shoulder blade.’

LJ gave a dry chuckle and Ross let him have some more water.

‘Boy’s built like a goddamn tank.’ He smiled. ‘His mama will be thankful for that.’

‘He won’t.’ Ross replied. ‘He should be good to go back on active duty in about a week.’ He shrugged. ‘They’ll probably have Flint back out in a day or two.’ He knew Demelza was not happy about that in the slightest. One of the reasons she was able to deal with Flint being out there was because he had Jim and LJ getting him back home safely.

‘Shit.’ LJ sighed. ‘God, I’d give my left nut for a smoke right now.’

‘Maybe later.’ Ross smiled. ‘They’ll give me hell if I bust you out.’ He sat back in his chair. ‘Mind some company for a while? I told Jim I’d be here when he woke up.’

‘Sure thing, Doc.’ LJ smiled at him. ‘You just sit there and talk to me. It helps me not to think about how my damn foot is itching even though the goddamn thing’s not there anymore.’

‘You know that’s normal.’ Ross said. ‘Plus the morphine’s probably not helping.’

‘Oh, it’s helping just fine.’ LJ assured him. ‘This is definitely my drug of choice.’

*********

By eight, Ross was no longer just worried. He was in fact as close to a panic as he’d ever been and desperately trying not to show it. He’d been for countless cups of coffee and too many cigarettes. Now he was back in the chair next to LJ’s bed, knee bouncing and chewing his nails to shreds as he waited. The nursing shift had changed over and he knew that he was being watched, but he didn’t care. LJ was thankfully less antsy, the drugs he was on keeping him in a calmer state.

The sound of the door opening caught their attention and a GMO came through, pushing a hospital bed ahead of him. The nurses came down and Ross watched as they got the bed into position, hooking up the IV and blood pack to the stand next to it. He saw that they had Jim on a ventilator, which would take the strain of breathing for him while his lung repaired enough to work on its own, although they would try and take him off as soon as they deemed it safe.

Ross waited, heart pounding as the nurses took over and made sure everything as to their liking. He knew better than to interfere. Finally they were satisfied and walked back up to the station and he could finally get a look at the person he’d been waiting for.

Jim was unconscious but breathing steadily on the ventilator, which made Ross feel much better. He still had his stethoscope and did a quick examination, listening carefully to the way Jim was breathing and checking for anything alarming. Most of Jim’s torso was swathed in bandages with a chest tube running in on the left side, and Ross checked the colour of his face and skin and nail beds, but they all looked good. He stared at him for a few moments, trying to ignore the distress inside him at seeing him like that with tubes running in and out of his nose and mouth.

‘He’s going to be all right if the antibiotics do their work.’ The voice behind him made Ross turn around and he saw Chris Emmerson standing behind him, still in his scrubs and surgical cap. That immediately put him at ease. Chris was a superlative surgeon with excellent morbidity rates.

‘You did the surgery?’ he asked and Emmerson nodded.

‘We had to take a little longer than necessary.’ he explained. ‘The bullet in his lung bounced off his ribs and hit a minor artery and was occluding the hole. When we took it out it started a bleed. He’s incredibly lucky that it didn’t get dislodged during transit or he would have probably bled out and died before he even got to the 91st.’

Ross threw a look back at LJ, whose own eyes were wide.

‘But he’s okay now?’ he asked, fighting the rising fear inside him. ‘You ligated it?’

‘Oh yeah.’ Emmerson nodded. ‘Simple enough to do it in the OR with the right equipment and a vat of AB negative. But we’re going to keep him sedated overnight so he doesn’t move around too much but as soon as he wakes up we’ll try and get him up and around. In a week or so we’ll reassess and then get him over to Korea for post-op recovery. He’ll get his discharge papers and then it’ll be back stateside for him. He’s also got fractures to the ribs but his clavicle is intact where the other bullet went in. All in all he’ll be in there a couple of months. If he’s lucky, he’ll be home by Christmas.’ He gave Ross a sympathetic smile. ‘You two are buddies, right?’

‘Yeah.’ Ross looked back down at Jim. ‘I said I would check in on him and let his dad know how he’s doing.’ He felt the lie cut through him but knew he needed a cover story. ‘It’s just the two of them and he didn’t want him to worry.’

‘Well, you can give him some good news.’ Emmerson gave him a pat on the shoulder and moved down the line of beds to the nurses’ station leaving Ross standing there.

‘How’s he look?’ LJ asked and Ross moved up to stand by Jim’s head. He desperately wanted to touch him, maybe stroke his hair and hold his hand and whisper in his ear that he was going to be all right. Instead he had to settle for a quick squeeze on the arm that could have been him checking Jim’s pulse and then he stepped away. He took the chart off the bed and read through it, noting the analgesics they had given Jim, how much antibiotic was in his IV. It seemed surreal to be reading about him in a way that was unexpectedly intimate in a way Ross had hoped to never know him. He read about Jim’s peri-operative complications, the fact that he’d nearly crashed when they’d found the bleed. That made him feel nauseous and he put the chart back.

‘He’s not doing too badly.’ He came back to LJ’s bedside. ‘He’ll be asleep for a while though. Probably until tomorrow morning. They’ve given him quite a hefty dose of morphine.’

‘Then you should go get some rest.’ LJ managed to sound stern. ‘You look like hell and you’ve been on your feet for close on fifteen hours.’

‘Are you counting?’ Ross asked and got a raised eyebrow.

‘Just cause my damn leg got lopped off, doesn’t mean I went stupid.’ He gave Ross a pointed look. ‘Now get your ass to the mess hall, eat something that’s actual food and then go get some sleep. He’ll still be here in the morning and I promise I’ll look after him.’ This was all hissed so the nurses and other patients couldn’t hear.

‘Thank you.’ Ross took one last look at the man who was his world and then sighed heavily. ‘I’ll be in first thing.’

‘You do that, Doc.’ LJ said gently. ‘Now go.’

Ross nodded and walked away, his feet getting heavier with each step. LJ was right, he was absolutely exhausted. He stopped at the station and the nurse looked at him expectantly.

‘If Warrant Officer Hawkins wakes up, could you send someone to come get me?’ he asked her. ‘I’ll need to tell his dad.’

‘Of course.’ The nurse gave him a funny look like she didn’t quite understand him, but Ross didn’t give her time to question his instructions and walked out the ward. He was halfway back to the R & E when he ran into Anderson.

‘There you are. Emmerson told me Jim’s in the recovery ward.’ He gave Ross a sympathetic look. ‘Are you all right?’

‘I will be.’ Ross shrugged. ‘He’s still knocked out from the anaesthetic so I thought I would go get some sleep.’

‘Not just yet.’ Anderson smiled. ‘I called Brady and he pulled Jim’s file for me. You can use the phone in my office.’ He handed Ross a slip of paper. ‘Figured you might want to give his father a call, tell him he’s going to be okay.’

Ross stared at the paper, then slowly reached out and took it. He couldn’t describe the gratitude that filled him and he had to blink away tears as he folded the paper and put it in his pocket.

‘Thank you, sir.’ He could barely whisper, all his emotion choking him up.

‘Just don’t take too long.’ Anderson replied and walked past him, one hand on Ross’ shoulder before he continued on his way.

Ross waited until he was gone from sight then made the short walk to Anderson’s office. He locked the door behind him and went to sit down at the desk. For a while all he could do was stare at the phone. He had never anticipated that his first official contact with Jim’s father would be under these circumstances.

Eventually he took the piece of paper from his pocket and dialled the number, holding the receiver to his ear and bracing himself for what was coming. It took a few rings, but then a man answered.

‘Hello?’ He sounded just like Jim, the same gentle Californian inflection in his voice and it made Ross’ stomach turn over. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then answered.

‘Mr Hawkins?’ He forced himself to speak. ‘This is Captain Poldark. I’m at the 91st Evac at Chu Lai.’

‘Oh God.’ Rob Hawkins instantly sounded utterly distraught. ‘Is he…?’

‘No.’ Ross interjected. ‘But he is injured. His bird came down and he got shot while he was on the ground.’ He knew he was breaking protocol, but this was Jim’s father and all his normal professionalism had gone out the window the second Jim had been wheeled into the recovery ward. ‘They had to operate on him.’

‘Will he be all right?’ Rob now sounded a little calmer. ‘Will he recover?’

‘He will.’ Ross assured him. ‘They stopped all the bleeding but he’s going to be asleep until tomorrow. That’s why I’m calling, just to let you know.’

‘Thank you.’ Rob was quiet for a few moments. ‘So you’re Ross.’

That threw Ross completely. He knew Jim had talked to Rob about him but there was a speculative note to Rob’s voice that took him completely by surprise.

‘Yes.’ He had no idea how to handle this.

‘Did you work on him when he came in?’ Rob asked. ‘Jim told me you’re a doctor in triage.’

‘I did, sir.’ Ross replied. ‘I wouldn’t trust anyone else to.’

‘Good.’ Rob swallowed and Ross knew he was trying to keep his own emotions in. ‘Guess this is a hell of a way to meet, huh?’

‘I guess so.’ Ross rubbed his temple. ‘I’m sorry it’s under these circumstances.’

‘He’s been riding on nothing but chance for a while.’ Rob sounded like he was smiling. ‘But I am very glad he’s got you there.’ He took a deep breath. ‘It’s good to know he’s got someone looking after him.’

That made Ross freeze. He had no idea what to say to that. Thankfully, Rob seemed to hear that he was on the verge of freaking out.

‘It’s all right, Ross.’ He was gentle. ‘I know everything. And I don’t care, so long as my son is happy.’

Ross felt himself break at that, trying to hold the tears in and being completely unable to. He gritted his teeth, the choked sounds he was making sounding horribly loud in his ears. One the other side, Rob sat in silence and let him cry.

He finally got himself back under control and he wiped away the tears angrily with the back of his hand.

‘I’m sorry.’ He took a deep breath. ‘It’s just not what it should be.’

‘I know.’ Rob replied. ‘Look, I’m always here in the evenings. If anything happens, you’ll call me?’

‘I will.’ Ross promised. 

‘Hell, call if it doesn’t.’ Rob added. ‘I’d like to get to know the man that my son has fallen in love with.’

That made Ross well up again.

‘Thank you, sir.’ He was so impossibly grateful for this unexpected kindness.

‘Rob.’ Rob said. ‘If you’re joining our family, you can’t keep calling me sir.’ He huffed. ‘Thank you for calling, Ross.’

‘No problem.’ Ross waited until he’d said goodbye and then hung up. His hands were shaking violently and it was a few moments before he was composed enough to get up and leave the office.  
He didn’t stop this time, headed straight for the mess hall. He got there and took a tray and went to an empty table at the far end to eat. He didn’t taste the food, chewing mechanically because he knew he needed sustenance. Afterwards he got up and dumped his tray on the rack and went straight to the hooch. He got inside and then it hit him harder than anything ever had and he broke down completely, sliding down the wall to the floor and crying like a child until his sides ached and he couldn’t breathe through his blocked nose.

Once he’d cried himself out, Ross sat and rested his head on his arms. He felt so exhausted it was an effort to even get up, but he made it to his bed and lay down. He didn’t even bother to take off his boots. Instead he held the pillow to his face and inhaled the remains of Jim’s smell that he’d left behind that morning until he passed out.

**********

‘Ross?’ Dwight’s voice woke him from a fitful sleep and Ross lifted his head and peered at him.

‘What time is it?’ He rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand.

‘Around five.’ Dwight looked concerned. ‘I was with Caroline and Demelza. She’s pretty shook up and I figured you’d stay at the OR.’

‘Jim was out cold.’ Ross sat up and stretched, ignoring his complaining muscles. ‘I thought I’d come get some sleep and go back before shift to check on him.’ He stood up. ‘I need to get going.’

‘Are you going to be okay?’ Dwight looked worried. ‘This must be hard.’

‘It is.’ Ross went to grab some clean fatigues from his locker. ‘But it’s just something I’ll have to live with.’ He took his towel from its hook. ‘Look, if anyone asks I’m checking on Jim for his dad.’

‘Okay.’ Dwight looked stricken. ‘I’m so sorry you have to do that.’

Ross shrugged and left the hooch. He went to shower and get cleaned up, dropping off his things long enough to grab his cigarettes and head for the hospital.

When he got there, he bypassed the R & E and went straight to the OR ward. It was before the next shift change and the ward was still in darkness, the men there sleeping and occasionally snoring. LJ was one of them, not stirring when Ross walked to Jim’s bed. He was surprised to see that he was off the ventilator and turned when he heard someone behind him.

‘His vitals are good.’ the nurse explained. She was the same one that had been there when Ross had finally left the night before. ‘We took his tube out so he’d be more comfortable.’

‘He woke up?’ Ross asked and she nodded.

‘About an hour ago.’ She smiled at him and walked back to the station and left him to approach the bed. Jim was lying with his eyes closed but he opened them when Ross took his wrist, automatically checking his pulse.

‘Hey.’ It was a raspy whisper.

‘Hey yourself.’ Ross couldn’t describe the happiness he felt hearing Jim speak, but he couldn’t give himself away and busied himself with looking like he was checking Jim over. It wasn’t hard, after all he was also reassuring himself that Jim was okay. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Like shit.’ Jim blew out a breath. ‘My chest hurts.’

‘Well you just got two rounds taken out of it so that doesn’t surprise me.’ Ross used his flashlight to check Jim’s pupillary response and then took his stethoscope off his neck and pressed it to the bare skin exposed on Jim’s left side above his bandages. ‘Breathe in for me.’

Jim lay in silence, watching him as he did his checks. His blue-green eyes were a little unfocused and Ross knew the medication was still affecting him.

‘That was a close call.’ he said and Jim’s dimples flickered briefly.

‘Yeah.’ His sarcasm was evident even through the hoarseness. ‘Damn birds are supposed to stay in the sky.’

That made Ross snort in spite of himself.

‘LJ said they took out your gunship.’ He watched as Jim’s face tightened.

‘They were good guys.’ He swallowed noisily. ‘Bastards.’

‘You knew them?’ Ross hadn’t even given them a thought.

‘Yeah.’ Jim looked at him, clearly trying to focus. ‘You took care of me.’

‘I wasn’t about to let anyone else do it.’ Ross replied. ‘But I had to hand you over eventually.’ He gave Jim a reassuring smile. ‘Emmerson did a good job though. You’re damn lucky.’

‘I know.’ Jim let out a soft sigh. ‘How’s LJ?’

‘He’s doing a damn sight better than you.’ Ross replied. ‘So’s Benny.’

Jim huffed.

‘What was wrong with me?’ he asked and Ross went to get a chair. He sat down and now from this angle nobody could see what he was doing so he took Jim’s hand and squeezed it then let it go before the nurses spotted him.

‘You had one bullet lodged in your lung and the other one resting under your collar bone.’ he explained. ‘The one in your lung hit an artery and when they took it out you lost a lot of blood.’ He nodded at the blood pack above Jim’s head. ‘They got it fixed, but there’s always a chance of infection or it starting to bleed again so you’ve got to take it easy for a few days. They’re going to check you over at the end of the week and then send you to Korea and then home.’

Jim’s face fell.

‘What?’ He sounded upset and Ross was confused. 

‘You get to go home.’ he repeated. ‘They’ll keep you in for about two months until you’re completely healed and then you’re out.’

‘But I don’t want to be out.’ Jim protested and now Ross was completely lost. ‘I gotta go back on flight duty.’

‘Why the hell would you?’ Ross frowned. ‘You’re due to be discharged anyway and they’re not going to take the chance.’

‘Yeah?’ Even drugged to the eyeballs, Jim managed to sound annoyed as fuck. ‘And who the hell’s gonna fly Flint’s dumb ass around. Or Benny?’ He was now agitated and Ross started to get concerned.

‘Who the hell’s gonna be looking out for them?’

Ross was taken aback and then he got angry in turn.

‘You need to calm the hell down.’ he hissed. ‘Your bird just crashed out of the sky and you got shot in the goddamn chest to boot. You’ll have to forgive me for being happy that you’re going to be far far away from this fucking place. Do you have any idea how fucking hard yesterday was for me? I got to be the one to see you come in here bleeding all over the goddamn place and hear that you could have fucking died if you’d gone over a bump the wrong fucking way.’ He was shaking with emotion and had to curb his temper before he said anything else, balling his hands and digging his nails into his palm.

That shut Jim right up. He stared at Ross and then his entire face fell.

‘I’m sorry.’ It came out as a whisper. ‘I didn’t…’

Immediately mollified, Ross felt terrible at what he’d just said.

‘No.’ he protested, still trying to sound calm even though he was anything but. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything.’ He took a deep breath to calm himself.

Jim was watching him, his eyes now too bright.

‘I didn’t mean it like that.’ He looked like he was about to cry. ‘I just…’ He seemed to be grasping for words and it hurt Ross so much to see him like that. He threw caution to the wind and took Jim’s hand again, throwing the nurses a glance to check they were not paying attention to them.

‘I know you care about what happens to them.’ he whispered. ‘But I care about what happens to you. I want you to be safe and I want to know that you’re not going to fuck off and leave me just when I’ve found you.’ He shook his head. ‘I came so close to losing you. I never want to feel that again.’

Jim was looking at him.

‘Okay.’ He swallowed hard.

‘Good.’ Ross sighed. ‘I spoke to Rob last night and told him.’

‘You did? How?’ Jim frowned. ‘What did he say?’

‘That he’s damn happy you’re not dead.’ Ross replied. ‘He’s looking forward to getting you home.’ He took a chance and lifted his hand to push a strand of hair out of Jim’s eyes. ‘He loves you. Just like I do.’ He whispered the last part and this time was rewarded with a semblance of a smile.

‘Me too.’ Jim told him.

The sound of voices interrupted them and Ross looked up to see that Emmerson was at the nurse’s station.

‘I better go.’ He let go of Jim’s hand. ‘Emmerson’s here for rounds and I need to go do mine.’

‘Will you come back?’ Jim asked and he nodded as he stood up.

‘Every chance I get.’ he said. ‘You want me to bring you anything later?’

‘Something to read.’ Jim replied, his voice just carrying enough of a snit. ‘Seeing as how I’m going to be stuck in here a few days.’

Ross glared at him and then heard Emmerson come up behind him.

‘Ross.’ He sounded cheerful as he got to Jim’s bed and looked at him. ‘Checking on our patient?’

‘Just popping in to tell Jim I spoke to his dad.’ Ross put on his brisk doctor’s voice and Emmerson nodded in reply.

‘Well, he’s doing a lot better according to the nurses.’ He took his stethoscope from around his neck. ‘But let’s have a quick look.’

‘I need to get going.’ Ross looked at Jim. ‘I’ll see you later, Hawk.’

‘Later, Doc.’ Jim replied, his entire demeanour now one of carefully crafted neutrality. Even like this, he was far better at keeping up pretences than Ross was.

He walked down the line without looking back, not stopping until he got to the triage storeroom to take a moment to compose himself. Dwight was already there taking stock, and he raised his eyebrows in unspoken question as Ross came in and closed the door.

‘How’s Jim.’ he asked and Ross snorted.

‘He’s awake.’ he replied. ‘And already fighting with me.’

‘Why?’ Dwight sounded surprised.

‘He wanted to go back on flight duty.’ Ross huffed and folded his arms. ‘He just got out of major surgery and the only thing he wants to do is go get shot at again. How the hell did I end up with such a reckless asshole?’

‘Seriously?’ Now Dwight looked amused. ‘You actually asking me that?’ He chuckled. ‘I’m not a great believer in fate, but if two people were ever meant to be together it’s you and Jim.’ He grinned at the outraged look on Ross’ face. ‘And you calling him reckless is like the pot calling the kettle black.’

‘Shit.’ Ross looked away, his emotions catching up with him again. ‘I fucking hate this. I can’t even talk to him properly.’

‘I know.’ Dwight was sympathetic. ‘But at least you get to talk to him at all. Look at it that way.’

‘Yeah, I know.’ Ross leaned against the shelving unit. ‘How’s Demelza?’

‘Doing okay.’ Dwight smiled. ‘We finally got her to sleep. She was freaking out.’

‘I don’t blame her.’ Ross said. ‘What are they doing with Flint?’

‘Grounding him for the time being.’ Dwight replied. ‘Put him in with the ground crew until they get another bird and find a crew for him. Benny will be out for a couple of weeks so he’ll probably stay out the sky until then.’

Ross huffed. 

‘The first damn thing Jim said was who was going to look after those two.’ He shook his head. ‘I can’t understand it.’

‘That’s because we’re not them.’ Dwight explained. ‘They rely on each other in a way we don’t. They’re tight because they risk their lives together every day. You and I see what they are up against. You can’t blame Jim for being worried and you can’t be jealous because it’s the first thing he thinks of.’ 

‘I’m not jealous.’ Ross retorted, folding his arms. 

‘Aren’t you?’ Dwight asked. ‘Tell me you’re not sore about it.’

‘’Okay maybe a little.’ Ross muttered. ‘He didn’t even seem happy that he’d be out of it.’

‘They’re not wired the same way as us.’ Dwight replied. ‘And Jim’s been out here for two years. This is probably a hell of a shock to him.’ He shrugged. ‘He did just get shot.’

‘Christ.’ Ross slumped against the shelf. ‘I know, I know.’

‘Good.’ Dwight grinned. ‘Now don’t be an ass and just be grateful your… you know, whatever you call him… is alive.’

‘My whatever-I-call-him?’ That made Ross raise an eyebrow at Dwight. ‘That just sounds ridiculous.’

‘What do you call him then?’ Dwight was defensive. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Shit.’ Now Ross couldn’t help a wry smile. ‘I’m damned if I know either.’ 

*********

Three days later and Ross was starting to realise that Jim was quite possibly one of the most impossible patients they had ever had and he was grateful that he was on the OR ward and not theirs.

He was insistent on moving around, which was good because it meant that part of his recovery was not a problem. They always tried to get patients with lung damage up and moving around as soon as possible to avoid fluid collecting in their lungs and causing pneumonia and to prevent DVT. In Jim’s case though he had to be wary of overdoing things. The damage to the artery meant no heavy lifting but he was able to get around and to the head if he needed, trailing his IV stand. He had already started his breathing exercises to rehabilitate his lung. The chest tube was still in and would only come out a day or so later, and Jim complained about how it got in the way. 

He was doing just that now, griping about being stuck in bed and not being able to smoke or go outside in the sun. Ross sat in the chair that was now installed next to his bed and listened to him with an amused look on his face. The nurses kept it there for him, knowing he would come in and see Jim every day. They had also moved LJ into the bed next to Jim so they could talk a little quieter and not yell at each other across the ward. 

Ross was pleased to see that three days had made a huge difference and were a testament to Emmerson’s skill as a surgeon, although he also knew it was being able to get Jim into an OR as soon as possible that helped. They didn’t call it the golden hour for nothing.

Jim was sitting up, still bandaged and wearing the soft blue cotton drawstring pants all the patients did. He had his colour back although he still tired easily but that didn’t stop him from talking, even as he lay there with one leg tucked underneath the other and one knee up and trying to find a comfortable position. 

‘I’m goddamn bored.’ he grumbled. 

Ross sighed and threw LJ a look. LJ, who had taken to bed rest like a duck to water, grinned at him. It was also because he was still on industrial doses of morphine and he looked at Jim and sniggered. 

‘I bought you a book.’ Ross pointed out. ‘Read it.’

Jim glared at him and snorted. 

‘I want out.’ He glared right back at Ross. ‘And what the hell am I supposed to do when I get to Korea?’ 

‘Three days.’ Ross shook his head at LJ. ‘You know he’s busy defying medical records? Emmerson is astounded at how quickly he’s recovering.’

‘He’s driving everyone here nuts.’ LJ grinned. 

Jim narrowed his eyes at them and snorted again. Ross smiled at him. If he was being honest he didn’t care how ornery Jim was being because Jim being ornery meant he was feeling much better. 

‘You know you’re not helping yourself, right?’ he asked. ‘And you have to go to Korea. We can’t keep you here.’

‘Fuck.’ Jim muttered. He tried to fold his arms and winced at the pain it caused. ‘Stupid goddamn protocols.’ 

‘You know about a hundred guys would he more than happy to take your place.’ Ross reminded him. 

‘Then they can have it.’ Jim retorted. 

‘Christ.’ Ross muttered. ‘You’re impossible.’ He looked across at LJ. ‘So Angie knows, huh?’

‘Yeah.’ LJ made a face. ‘And the boys do too. She didn’t want it to be a shock for them when I get back and ain’t how I used to be.’

‘No.’ Ross glanced at Jim. ‘But you’ll get help on the other side. They should make it easier for you to get back to things.’

‘I hope so.’ LJ said. ‘I sure as hell don’t want to be stuck in a bed for the rest of my natural life.’ 

The sound of men coming into the ward made them all look down the line and soon enough Flint and Benny were there at their bedsides. Benny still looked a little green, wincing if he moved wrong, but his injury was healing well and they had him on light duties in the triage until he could get back to flying. 

‘Hey.’ Flint went to balance on the edge of LJ’s bed. ‘You doin’ okay, old man?’

‘Sure.’ LJ smiled at him. ‘You pack my stuff up?’

‘All boxed up and ready to get shipped out with you.’ Flint replied. He grinned at Jim. ‘Dwayne was over earlier. Said if you don’t wanna take your board, he’ll give it a good home.’

‘Tell him it’s his for twenty bucks.’ Jim replied. ‘Might as well pass it on.’

‘I packed everything else up for you.’ Benny said. He was looming like a tree at Jim’s bedside. ‘Here.’ He handed off the bag on his shoulder and Jim smiled. He’d asked Benny to bring him some of his things for the rest of his stay in the OR ward and for when he went to Korea. 

‘Damn.’ Flint’s smile was dimmed. ‘I can’t believe you are goin’ home tomorrow.’

‘Not home just yet.’ LJ corrected. ‘But I’ll be back in Detroit before you. I’ll go see your family as soon as I hit the ground.’

‘Thanks, man.’ Flint replied. ‘It’s gonna be real strange without you two here.’

‘Last man standing.’ Jim said to him and they exchanged looks. That was when Ross realised that there was a growing tension in the air and knew he had no part in it and that he could never understand what was going on between them. He got up and looked at Jim. 

‘I’ll be back to see you after shift.’ he said. 

‘Don’t forget to come and see me off tomorrow.’ LJ reminded him. 

‘I will.’ He turned and heard their voices drop to a low murmur as he walked away and wondered just what was being said. 

*********

Jim watched Ross leave the ward. Benny was now in his vacant chair and he grinned at him. 

‘Just think.’ he said. ‘Another five days and it’s gonna be you leaving too.’ He was enthusiastic on Jim’s behalf but Jim couldn’t get excited about the fact that he was leaving almost everything he valued behind. He was attached to his crew, far more than they ever told each other, and he knew it was the same for them. 

He didn’t even think about how hard it was going to be to say goodbye to Ross.

‘I’d rather be staying.’ he replied and got a stern look from LJ. 

‘You have just been offered a get out of jail free card.’ He was stern. ‘You could have died. So could I. We are getting the best deal we could.’ 

‘He’s right.’ Flint added. ‘Shit, we would all go back if we could.’ He had an unhappy slant to his mouth now and Jim felt guilty at complaining. 

‘I’d trade places with you right now.’ he stated. ‘You know I would.’

‘Yeah.’ Flint huffed. ‘Just gotta keep myself alive another five months.’ 

That made them all fall silent as they took in the magnitude of his words. They all knew that he and Benny did not have a clear ride and that five months was a long time to tempt fate. 

‘Shit.’ LJ snorted. ‘Well, that got depressing fast.’ He gave them all a smile that was tinged with sadness. ‘You know this is the last time we’re all gonna be together.’

‘Fuck that.’ Flint retorted. ‘Christmas next year. I say we all meet up.’

‘Now that is a good idea.’ Jim smiled. ‘You can come down where it’s warmer. Unfreeze your asses for a while.’

‘Now that I really fucking like.’ LJ had a wicked glint in his eye. ‘Maybe by then your little housing issue will be resolved. You’re gonna need a lot of room to put us up.’ 

Jim smiled, knowing what he was alluding to. 

‘I’ll take care of it.’ he replied. ‘There’ll be plenty of room.’

‘I’ve never been to California.’ Benny was grinning. ‘Pretty girls down there.’

‘That is true.’ Jim nodded. ‘And I’m sure they’ll love you.’ He looked at LJ and got a wink. 

‘Strapping young man like you? They’ll be lining up.’ Flint laughed and Benny’s ears went red. 

They chatted for another hour or so and then the nurse came down to tell them it was time to move on. It was getting on for seven and dinner was going to be brought around soon. 

‘Jello tonight .’ LJ sounded positively gleeful and Jim wondered if the morphine was making him delirious. 

‘Shit.’ Flint got up. ‘Guess we’ll see you stateside, LJ.’ 

‘Yeah.’ Benny was also on his feet, where he shifted awkwardly and looked like he was going to start crying. 

‘I’m going to miss you both.’ LJ replied. ‘Now get the hell out of here and let me eat my jello in peace.’ He sounded brusque and Jim knew the emotion was starting to get the better of him. 

Flint moved first, going to the side of the bed and putting his arms around LJ. Benny was there a second later, enveloping them both. 

‘Jesus fuck.’ LJ was muffled. ‘I can’t goddamn breathe.’ They ignored him and eventually Jim saw his own hand came up and patted Benny on the shoulder. ‘You boys keep yourselves safe, you hear. I don’t want to see any empty seats at that table next Christmas.’ 

There were muttered promises and Jim had to look away now, feeling his own unhappiness threatening to come out. He knew it had to end, that they all had to go back to their own lives but LJ more than any of them, had been his friend and mentor and confidante and he was going to miss him like hell. 

They let LJ go and there were handshakes and wishes for a speedy recovery exchanged and then they left, stopping once to wave goodbye at the end of the ward before they disappeared from sight. 

Jim looked across at LJ and saw he was struggling to hold it in. 

‘They’re going to make it.’ He kept his voice low. 

‘Christ, I hope they do.’ LJ spoke softly so no-one could hear him. ‘I love those boys like they’re my own kids.’ Then he looked at Jim. ‘You too, short stack.’

Jim smiled back at him, his feelings completely overwhelming him. 

‘Right back at you, old man.’ he replied. 

*******

Ross got to the mess hall and went inside to eat. He was starving, his body demanding he catch up on the past couple of days that had seen him barely eating because he’d been dividing his time between Jim and the R & E. 

Dwight and Demelza were there, getting ready to go on rotation. They were chatting and when they saw him they waved him over. He went to get a tray, his stomach growling at the sight of food and went to join them. It was spaghetti and meatball night and he set his tray down and sat. 

‘How’s the patient?’ Demelza asked. She looked happy and Ross knew that she’d obviously spent some time with Flint before he’d gone to visit LJ. 

‘Grouchy as hell.’ he replied and started eating. ‘I had no idea he was such a terrible patient.’ 

‘Damn.’ Dwight shook his head, grinning at Demelza. ‘Maybe this living together thing needs to be reconsidered.’ He hissed it but Ross still checked to see if anyone had heard them.

‘It’s going to be hard.’ he admitted. ‘Five days and then he’s gone.’

‘Yeah, but it’s only another seven and then you’re going to be leaving too.’ Demelza replied. ‘And I’ll be heading out when Flint does in February. Caroline’s going to be done in three, so if anyone’s going to feel abandoned it should be me.’ She wasn’t completely joking either. 

‘They’ll take you off active duty soon enough.’ Dwight remarked. ‘Once you start showing.’ 

‘Well, with any luck that’ll be a couple more months to go.’ Demelza stabbed her meatball and dunked it in sauce before consuming it with what looked like distinct enjoyment. ‘Although I had to sweet talk Anderson into that one.’

‘Are you going to get up and see LJ off?’ Dwight asked. ‘Anderson said the bus is coming for him at seven. They’ve got a flight out at eight and then he gets transferred at Seoul.’

‘Yeah.’ Ross rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand. ‘In fact, I’m going to turn in after this. Get up early.’ 

‘Good idea.’ Demelza said. ‘You look tired.’

‘You do.’ Dwight agreed. ‘You’ve been doing too much. Go and get a good night’s sleep.’

‘Is that officla medical advice?’ Ross smiled at them.

‘Yes it is.’ Demelza gave him her take-no-nonsense face.

They finished dinner and smoked a couple of cigarettes and then Ross was more or less threatened with bodily harm if he didn’t go straight to bed. This time he listened, getting to the hooch and stripping down to his shorts and t-shirt before toppling over onto his bunk and falling asleep almost immediately. 

*********

Jim lay back and stared at the roof of the OR ward. It was dark now, the lights turned off except for the nurse’s station. There were three of them on night duty, huddled together and talking in low voices. The rest of the ward was quiet, the sounds of breathing and the occasional snore the only sounds.

Jim sighed, shifting to try and get comfortable. He hated sleeping on his back, but it really was the only option. The bed was also raised slightly, to allow for any fluid to drain down and into the chest tube that was still sticking out of him, making him irritable, wanting to sleep and waiting for his pain meds to kick in. 

‘Hey.’ LJ’s voice interrupted his snit and Jim turned his head. He could just see LJ’s face. 

‘What?’ he whispered back. The nurses didn’t take kindly to noise after lights out. 

‘This is it.’ LJ hissed. ‘The last night I’m gonna be in this goddamned place.’

Jim smiled. 

‘You’re gonna miss it when you’re gone.’ he replied and LJ grinned at him. 

‘I’m gonna see Angie.’ He sounded a little out of it and Jim was momentarily jealous that he was getting the really good stuff. ‘I’ve really fucking missed her. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve missed the kids too but her…’ He trailed off. 

‘I know you have.’ Jim replied. ‘But you’re going back to her.’

LJ was quiet for a moment and then he spoke. Now he sounded hesitant. 

‘Not all of me.’ His voice faltered. ‘Shit. What if she…’

‘Don’t even think that.’ Jim interjected. ‘You know how much she loves you. She’s just going to be happy that you’re coming home and not in a goddamn box.’ He kept his eyes on LJ, knowing how he was feeling. It had bothered him too. 

‘I’m not the same now.’ LJ whispered. ‘And I’m not just talking about my leg.’ His face pinched as he struggled to keep what he was feeling inside him. ‘I don’t know if I know how to be...who I was.’

‘You’re still him.’ Jim replied. ‘This war hasn’t changed who you are, John. You’re still a good man.’ He felt himself start choking up as he spoke and had to breathe in deeply to get the words out. ‘I wouldn’t have gotten through any of this without you.’

LJ looked at him and then he smiled. 

‘Your father’s right to be proud of you, James.’ he told him. ‘You’re worth so much more than this fucked up world tells you you are, and don’t you ever forget that. If you were my son, none of it would matter to me either. All I would see is a fine young man who’s got more guts than anyone else I have ever met.’

Jim could only look back at him, his heart full as he held back the tears that were threatening. 

‘I’m going to miss you.’ He meant it. 

‘Me too, short stack.’ LJ said. ‘But I am only going to be a call away. And you and Ross will be welcome in our house anytime you want.’

‘Thank you.’ Jim replied. ‘That means an awful lot.’

‘Good.’ LJ yawned. ‘Not let me get some sleep. Us old timers need more shut eye than you young whippersnappers.’

‘Christ.’ Jim smiled. ‘You know you’re only six years older than me.’

‘It’s the experience that counts, boy.’ LJ was already dropping off, his voice fading into a long rumbling snore. 

Jim huffed a laugh and listened to him sleep. Morning would come soon enough.

***********

He slept fitfully through until the sounds of the nurses doing their morning rounds woke him up. Next to him, LJ was already awake and Jim could see his restlessness in the way he was looking around and shifting on the bed. 

‘Morning.’ He eased himself up and LJ heaved what sounded like an annoyed sigh. 

‘They need to goddamn hurry the hell up.’ He grumbled and Jim frowned as he manoeuvred himself to get out of bed, trying not to get tangled in his IV. 

‘How long you been awake?’ he asked and LJ huffed. 

‘I ain’t been to sleep yet.’ He smiled. ‘Too damn excited about getting the hell out of this hellhole.’

‘I hear ya buddy!’ This was called from across the ward and Jim grinned. LJ’s early dispatch to Korea was the envy of many, even if he’d paid a heavy price for it.

‘Well, you gotta wait till I get back.’ he instructed and LJ snorted. 

‘No promises.’ he replied and left Jim to get himself to the head. It was still slow going, the stitches holding him closed pulling as he moved. He had been surprised by how small the actual incision was, but Ross had explained how they only needed to cut about ten centimetres to get between his ribs and remove the fractured fragments and then find and take out the bullet. Jim was a little sad the rounds had been disposed of. He would have liked to have had a souvenir to show Rob. 

Still the pull meant that he was healing and the dressing changes done by the nurses had revealed only healthy pink tissue and no leakage after the second day, which had been a good sign. The stitches would come out once the external wounds were considered completely healed in a couple of weeks, although the internal wounds would take a bit longer. He had a couple of fractures where the bullet had bounced off his ribs, not to mention the arterial bleed which could still tear if he was too overenergetic. 

He got done in the head and wandered back, only to find a GMO assisting LJ in getting off the bed and into a wheelchair to take him out to the army ambulance that would take him down to the air strip and get him loaded for transport to Korea. He had been hobbling around using crutches for the past two days but would no doubt be confined to bed for the trip. 

‘There you are.’ LJ was grinning. ‘I almost missed your slow ass.’

‘Shit.’ Jim walked over to him and there was a very awkward hug that involved him leaning over and LJ leaning up and both of them trying not to get caught up in the tubes. ‘I’ll see you stateside, John.’

‘You’ll come look me up, right?’ LJ asked. ‘Come stay with us a while when you get back. At least until the other one does as well.’ 

‘As soon as they let me out and I’ve seen my dad.’ Jim promised. ‘Even if I have to drive my ass all the way up to Michigan.’ He felt LJ’s arms tighten around him and did the same, a sense of profound loss stealing over him and making him want to cry. 

‘I’ll see you then.’ LJ’s voice sounded gruff and when they let go of each other their eyes met. Jim could see so much there that he also felt – fear for each other and what the future held but also the love that they had for each other, even if it was never spoken aloud because that wasn’t what men did. 

‘Fly safe, old man.’ He moved back so the GMO could wheel LJ out and watched as they headed for the end of the ward. LJ waved back at him once and then he was gone and Jim was alone. He struggled back onto the bed and lay down and closed his eyes.

*********

Ross caught LJ just as he was coming through triage to the exit where the ambulance was waiting to take the soldiers being transferred down to their waiting transport. 

‘Hey, Doc.’ LJ was grinning like a man who’d been granted his last wish and Ross returned it. ‘Looks like this is goodbye for now.’

‘You take care of yourself.’ Ross shook his hand. ‘Good luck.’

‘Thanks.’ LJ looked at the GMO. ‘Can you give us a minute?’

The GMO looked at Ross, who nodded.

‘I’ll take him out.’ he said and then waited until the GMO was out of earshot before he wheeled LJ the rest of the way. They got outside into the bright morning light and LJ reached out for him, hand on Ross’ arm. 

‘You’ll make sure he’s okay?’ he asked and Ross nodded. 

‘You know I will.’ He smiled at him. ‘I’m glad you’re getting out of here.’

‘Me too.’ LJ replied. ‘I’ve told him to come and stay with us for a bit on the other side but I’ll be waiting to hear you’re getting your ass down there.’ There was a hint of a warning in his voice and Ross chuckled, feeling like he was being cautioned by a strict parent. 

‘I’ll be down as soon as they discharge me.’ He looked back at the R & E. ‘Wild horses couldn’t keep me away.’

‘That’s what I want to hear.’ LJ said. ‘I’ll expect to see you Christmas after next, Doc.’

‘Christmas?’ Ross was confused but LJ didn’t answer him, just gave him a knowing smile and then he was being taken off Ross’ hands and packed into the back of the ambulance. 

Ross watched them close the doors, and then the driver pulled away. The bus kicked up dust and he moved back into the doorway and waited until it was headed down the hill before going back inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Spirit In The Sky by Norman Greenbaum.


	21. Leaving On A Jet Plane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to go.

Four days went by far too fast and Ross started to realise that this was going to be a lot harder than he’d anticipated.

His initial euphoria at the idea that Jim would be safe and sound and away from Vietnam was now tempered by the growing concern that once Jim was in Korea, there would be no communication between them until he got stateside once again. There was no way they could take the risk of being discovered. The army monitored all incoming and outgoing mail, and they would not put themselves in a position that might make people suspicious about the true nature of their relationship.

He was working nights now and he was thankful because it meant being able to go to the OR ward in the middle of the night to talk quietly in the dark. Jim hadn’t been sleeping much as they started weaning him off the morphine and Ross used that as a pretext for his visits. He had been pleased though. Jim was making good progress, something that he was very thankful for.

Now he sat and thought about how much he would miss him when he was gone. As if reading his mind, Jim gave him a crooked smile.

‘You know what I’m looking forward to most?’ he asked and Ross shook his head.

‘No.’ He returned the smile. ‘What?’

‘Waves.’ Jim lay back and now his smile had the lovely lightness to it that made Ross’ heart skip a beat. ‘God, I can’t wait to get back in the ocean.’

‘Not until everything is completely better.’ Ross admonished. ‘I am going to be checking on you.’ He kept his voice down, worried that anything he might say may be misconstrued.

‘You’re not the boss of me.’ Jim was now laughing quietly. ‘I’ll do what I damn well please.’

‘Asshole.’ Ross retorted. He wished fervently that they could be alone, even if only for five minutes so he could kiss that wicked expression off Jim’s face. He sighed. ‘Six more months.’

‘Six more months.’ Jim repeated, his smile fading. ‘But it’ll go by fast.’

‘Maybe.’ Ross wasn’t convinced. ‘But I’ll call you as soon as I get to Lovell.’

Jim looked at him and Ross stared back, getting lost for as long as he could. He wanted to say the words they both felt, and he could see Jim did too. Instead they just sat in silence and waited for the inevitable.

Jim was due to be shipped out the next afternoon and every minute now felt like it was passing by far too quickly. At this point they both just wanted to get it over and done with, this awful waiting tearing them both up inside. Flint and Benny would be coming by the next afternoon to see Jim off and Ross was going to sacrifice his sleep to stay with him as long as he could without getting into hot water over it.

A movement behind him caught Jim’s attention and he nodded in the direction of the nurse’s station.

‘I think you got a call out.’ he said and Ross turned around and saw Dwight coming towards them.

‘Shit.’ Ross sighed and got up.

‘I’ll be back later.’ he said.

‘Later, Doc.’ Jim settled back onto his pillows and Ross knew he would probably try and get some sleep. He walked past the other beds and Dwight waited for him.

‘We got 68 coming in with a fuckload of casualties.’ He looked serious. ‘Artillery hit. It’s pretty bad.’

‘Lead the way.’ Ross sighed and followed him out the ward.

*********

The bird was full and it was another four hours before Ross managed to take a small break and go back to check in on Jim. He found him asleep and decided not to disturb him, leaving him be and going back to triage.

Clayton was cleaning up, mopping the blood off the concrete floor. He gave Ross a sympathetic smile. He and Reynolds were well aware of what Ross was feeling and they had been very kind to him.

‘Hey Doc.’ He straightened up and popped his back. ‘How you doin’?’

‘Been better.’ Ross confessed. ‘Smoke?’

‘Sure.’ Clayton put the mop back in the bucket and wheeled it to the side, then followed Ross out into the night air. They stood and smoked on the landing pad, well away from the building.

‘How you doin’ really?’ Clayton asked and Ross shrugged.

‘Pretty shitty.’ He sighed. ‘I can’t believe he goes tomorrow.’

‘Yeah.’ Clayton didn’t try to jolly Ross out of his mood, which he appreciated. ‘It’s shit alright. And you won’t be able to write him or nothin’.’

‘No.’ Ross lit another cigarette. He’d been burning through them since Jim was shot down. ‘Not unless we can suddenly develop telepathy.’

‘People don’t get it.’ Clayton kicked at the landing pad surface. ‘They wouldn’t understand how much it hurts.’

‘No.’ Ross knew he was right. Dwight and the others were trying to be helpful but they didn’t know how it felt to be in the position he and Jim would be in. The deception was necessary but it was also exhausting. ‘I can’t decide if it’s good he’s going or whether it’s the worst thing that will ever happen to me.’

Clayton chuckled.

‘Are you two gonna be okay on the other side?’ he asked and Ross nodded.

‘I think so.’ He blew out a deep breath. ‘His dad’s cool with it.’

‘What about your folks?’ Clayton asked. ‘What you gonna tell them?’

‘Just that I need a change.’ Ross replied. ‘They may not like it, but they probably won’t ask too many questions.’

A call from the door interrupted them and Ross saw it was Dwight again. He killed his cigarette as the distant sound of a bird caught his ears.

‘Show time.’ Clayton muttered as they went back to wait for it to land.

This run was not as frenetic and by the time the sun was starting to come up, Ross was done. He was also exhausted but he pushed through it until six. Unfortunately, Jim was still asleep when he went in to check so he decided to head across to the mess tent and then have a shower to wash the triage off of him.

He was on his way to the hooch when he passed the main building and saw the mail truck was in. Dwight got very regular letters from his parents so Ross decided to go have a look.

‘Morning, Captain Poldark.’ The corporal working behind the desk smiled at him.

‘Morning.’ Ross leaned on the counter. ‘You got anything for Captain Enys?’

‘No, but I do have something for you, sir.’ The corporal turned to the pigeon holes behind him and came back with a manila envelope in stiffened brown card. ‘Just came in, Special Delivery.’ he grinned. ‘It hasn’t even been opened, so must have been sent by someone important.’

Ross was now burning with curiosity. He thanked the corporal and almost galloped back to his hooch. Dwight was already there, stripping off his sweaty uniform. He grinned at Ross.

‘Where’s the fire?’ he asked and Ross held up the envelope.

‘I got something.’ He ripped the end open.

‘What is it?’ Dwight was now looking over his shoulder in curiosity.

‘Not sure.’ Ross stuck his hand in and then stared in amazement as he pulled out a set of photographic prints. There was also a letter and he unfolded it, his eyes flying over the twisted black writing.

_Ross,_

_I hope these find you well. I think they came out very beautiful. I have also put a second set in for him._

_Henri_

‘Holy shit.’ Dwight was smiling. ‘These are from that day we took the journalists with us.’

‘Yeah.’ Ross stared as he looked at the prints. There were ten in total, two sets of five. There was the one of he and Dwight working, another of the whole team in front of Susie, one of Jim standing next to him, their arms around each other’s shoulders, and another of just himself, laughing at the camera with a little girl on his lap.

It was the last one that made him tear up though and he sucked in an involuntary breath.

‘Damn.’ Dwight’s voice was soft. ‘That’s something else.’

Henri had caught them mid argument, facing each other and in partial profile to the camera. Jim had his hands on his hips and was looking up at Ross, who was standing with his arms folded. Their eyes were locked and the emotions between them all but leapt off the page. He could still remember every single second of that conversation, the way his heart had ached.

Now it ached again as he looked at the picture, the way he and Jim were staring at each other. The intensity in their faces could not be mistaken for anything other than love and now he knew why the envelope had come through Special Delivery.

He had no words, the pain in his heart coming in hard and nearly breaking him in half. He felt Dwight’s hand on his shoulder and bent over, feeling the physical agony his sense of loss was bringing on.

‘Jesus, Ross.’ Dwight now sounded alarmed and Ross felt himself being steadied. ‘Just breathe okay. You’re freaking out a little.’

‘He’s leaving.’ Ross could only grit the words out. ‘Fuck, Dwight. What the hell am I going to do?’

‘Shit.’ Dwight seemed a little out of his depth. He placed a hand on Ross’ shoulder. ‘I don’t know. Look, it’s only a couple of months and then you’re going to be back too.’

‘It just feels so fucking far away.’ Ross took a shuddering breath as he fought to get himself back under control. ‘Fuck.’

‘You need to sleep.’ Dwight knelt down next to him. ‘You’re crashing big time.’

‘No.’ Ross shook his head. ‘I need to just get through this today. I’ve got tomorrow off. I’ll sleep then.’

‘At least get something to eat.’ Dwight insisted.

‘I need to shower first.’ Ross managed to have himself up and out of the chair. ‘Then I’ll go eat.’

‘No.’ Now Dwight was stern. ‘Come on. We’re going to get some food and then get you into a shower and then you can crash for a couple of hours. Jim’s only going at four.’

Ross looked at him and then gave in.

‘Fine.’ he muttered. ‘Lead the way.’

The mess tent was thankfully crowded so they ended up taking their trays out to the grass on the bluff and sitting in the sun. It made Ross’ eyes start to close of their own accord and by the time they hit the showers, he was almost asleep on his feet. Dwight refused to take no for an answer and herded him back to the hooch and to bed and Ross was out before he even hit the covers.

*********

Jim was sitting and watching the door intently. It was getting on for twelve fifteen and he hadn’t seen Ross yet and now he was worried that he wasn’t going to. He tried not to look like he was pitching a fit but he couldn’t help it.

One of the nurses was coming down towards him, a bundle of clothing in her arms. Jim was able to get dressed and leave in his uniform at least, something he was grateful for. He was still not able to do too much and there was no question that he would be stuck right back in bed when he got to the other side, but at least for now he could pretend he was okay.

‘Here you are.’ The nurse handed him his clothes and boots. ‘You need me to help you get dressed?’

‘Um.’ Jim grinned. ‘I think I can manage.’

‘No.’ This was from another nurse passing by. ‘He needs to limit movement on the stitches.’

‘Guess that answers my question.’ The nurse smiled at him. ‘And it’s not like you’ve got anything I haven’t seen a hundred times, W/O.’

Jim opened his mouth to argue with her when he felt someone come up behind him.

‘It’s all right, Lieutenant.’ Ross said. ‘I’ll take care of this.’

Jim turned and saw him, his whole stomach lurching as he took in how tired Ross looked.

‘Thank God.’ The nurse laughed. ‘You can deal with his stubborn ass.’ She gave Jim a pointed look and was about to walk away when Ross stopped her.

‘I should probably change his dressing while we’re at it. Can you get me what I need?’ He had a look on his face that Jim was surprised by, a recklessness that he knew Ross had in abundance but which he never saw while Ross was on duty.

‘Of course.’ The nurse walked off and Jim took the opportunity to hiss at him.

‘What are you up to?’ He gave Ross a quizzical look.

‘Go to the head.’ Ross instructed, holding out his arms for Jim’s things. ‘I’ll catch up with you.’

Jim didn’t argue. Instead he handed Ross his clothes and boots and walked off to the head which was located just off the end of the ward.

A few minutes later, Ross arrived. He was juggling the medical supplies and the clothing and dumped everything in the sink closest to them.

‘Ross, what the hell…’ Jim started to say but he was silenced as Ross took two steps to him and kissed him hard enough to make his heart start pounding.

Jim couldn’t help himself. He fell right into it, kissing him back so hard their teeth clashed painfully. It was desperate, neither of them giving an inch until they finally broke apart. They were both breathing hard and he looked at Ross. His hazel eyes were fever bright, his colour high, and Jim knew that if anyone walked in at that moment they would be caught bang to rights. He took a cautionary step back and Ross did the same.

‘I’m sorry.’ It came out thick. ‘I just…’

The strain in his voice hit Jim hard and he knew right then he no longer cared. He was going home anyway and he would have taken any risk to be with the man in front of him. This time it was him taking that step, him grabbing Ross by the front of his uniform as best he could and charging right back in.

This time the kiss was no less intense, but it wasn’t bruising. This time he could feel Ross shake under his hands, all his emotions shining as bright as a landing light. They parted just the tiniest bit, foreheads pressed together.

‘I love you.’ Ross breathed, the pain in his voice unmistakeable. ‘God, I love you…’

‘I love you too.’ Jim felt the words cut right through him. ‘Christ, I wish I didn’t have to go.’

‘No.’ Ross sounded determined. ‘You have to go. I want you to be far away from all this shit. Even if I have to put you on the goddamn bird myself.’ He seemed to get control of himself and moved away. ‘Now let’s get you fucking dressed.’

Jim sighed and conceded, letting Ross take off the old dressing and examine his side.

‘It looks good.’ Ross was running his hands around the incision, the touch infinitely gentle.

‘Yeah?’ Jim turned so he could see himself in the mirror. The injury was now sealed, the stitches having done their job well although it would be a few more days before they were taken out. The gun shots were much the same, the edges now sunken in and the centres blackened and scabbed over. ‘Shit, I look like Frankenstein’s goddamn monster.’

‘You look fine.’ Ross came to stand behind him. He cleaned around the injuries with disinfectant and put the fresh dressings on, the light touch of his fingers making Jim a little crazy. He stood still and let Ross do his job, knowing this would be it for a long six months.

When he was done, Ross chucked the swabs in the trash and helped Jim get into his uniform, easing the t-shirt over his head as Jim hissed in pain. He still had excessive bruising, now a mottled green and yellow pattern across his skin, but it went far deeper than it looked and moving in certain directions caught him by surprise, the pain a shooting arc through his shoulder or chest. It was even worse than when he’d been shot before but Ross had explained that it was because of the placement and impact of the rounds.

Ross gave him a half smile, kneeling down to get his boots on and lace them up. It was awkward doing it from his side and Jim couldn’t help but smile.

‘Is this what it’s going to be like when we’re old?’ he asked and Ross sat back on his heels.

‘I hope so.’ he replied, getting up. ‘I draw the line at sponge baths though.’

That made Jim laugh and he was pleased to see that Ross’ smile wasn’t as tight as it was before. He turned and looked at himself in the mirror. His colour still wasn’t quite right, his tanned skin holding onto its sickly pallor. He sighed and looked at Ross in the mirror.

‘Guess this is it, Doc.’ He tried to smile but his mouth twisted instead.

‘Six months, Jim.’ Ross replied. ‘And then I’m coming to get you.’

‘Actually.’ Jim countered. ‘I’ve been thinking about that. How about I come get you instead?’

‘What?’ Ross frowned. ‘No, it’s stupid for both of us to fly back down.’

‘I’m not talking about flying, Ross.’ Jim turned and leaned against the sink. ‘I was thinking that I’ll drive up and get you from Lovell and then we can drive back down again. Take a couple of weeks.’ He waited for a response and then smiled when Ross seemed to mull things over. ‘Come on, Doc. It’ll be fun. You and me and the open road. I can bring my board. We can stop in those shitty motels that have a vibrating bed and fuck all night.’

‘Yes.’ Ross replied and the finality in it made it feel like he was answering a much bigger question. ‘Let’s do it.’

Jim looked at him.

‘I love you.’ He said it simply, knowing that it was the most honest thing he’d ever say. Ross came towards him, hands resting lightly on Jim’s hips.

‘I love you.’ He leaned in and this last kiss was soft. They lingered far longer than was safe, neither of them caring about anything else but the fact that this was the last time for the foreseeable future.

The sound of the door make them jump apart, both of them looking guilty as hell. Thankfully it was Dwight looking in on them.

‘Hey.’ He looked at them, his face apologetic. ‘Bus is here.’

‘Shit.’ Jim took in a deep breath. ‘Gotta go, Doc.’

‘Yeah.’ Ross stepped back, then seemed to remember something. ‘Here.’ He reached behind him and took an envelope where he had it stashed in the back of his pants, hidden under his shirt.

‘What is it?’ Jim asked and he shrugged.

‘Open it on the other side.’ he said and then moved away. ‘Come on, let’s get you the fuck out of here.’

Outside the triage, they were caught by Flint and Benny. They came running up, clearly out of breath and wearing matching looks of relief.

‘Thank fuck.’ Flint panted. ‘We couldn’t get a fucking ride and had to run most of the way here.’

‘At least you made it.’ Jim smiled at them.

‘We got you something.’ Benny looked as proud as punch. ‘Here.’ He handed Jim a wrapped parcel. ‘For when you get to Korea.’

‘Shit.’ Now Jim ducked his head, tears threatening to come. ‘Thanks guys.’

They looked at him and then they pulled the same move they had with LJ. He made a pained noise, but didn’t let go, leaning into them and letting himself be held. He’d spent much of his life alone, who he was making it hard to keep friends. But these men were so much more to him and he knew that LJ was right. They weren’t just a crew, they were family.

‘Sirs?’ The bus driver was looking at Ross and Dwight. ‘I have a schedule.’

‘Yeah.’ Ross went over and broke it up.

‘Later, Jim.’ Flint offered him his hand and Jim took it.

‘I’ll see you soon. You’ll let me know when you get back?’ he asked and Flint nodded.

‘Take care, Hawk.’ He let Benny get in and Jim got another hug.

‘Mom says she’s gonna send you some schnecken direct to Korea.’ he said and Jim chuckled.

‘Thanks, Benny.’ He let him go and then it was Dwight’s turn to take his hand.

‘See you later, Jim.’ He was relentlessly cheerful as always and it lifted Jim’s spirits knowing that at least he would be there for Ross.

‘See you, Dwight.’ He turned and now it was there, staring him right in the face.

‘So this is it.’ Ross’s mouth quirked. ‘Fly safe, Hawk.’

‘Take care, Doc.’ He took Ross’ offered hand and kept it brisk, nothing at all to give away the passion that simmered between them.

They watched him get in the back of the bus. Ross handed him his duffle bag, the envelope and parcel now stowed safely inside. Then it was a last look, his eyes locked on them all as they raised a hand to goodbye and the doors slammed closed. The bus lurched as it took off and Jim reached out to hang on, the bounce in the suspension doing nothing for his injuries.

His only consolation was that compared to how his heart was breaking, it didn’t hurt at all.

Even as he got further away, he was being watched.

‘Shit.’ Flint had his hands on his hips. He looked at Ross and Benny. ‘Well, we all got tomorrow off. Who wants to go get hammered?’

‘I do.’ Ross was staring at the quickly disappearing bus, his face set.

‘Seconded.’ Benny put his hand up like he was at school. They all turned and looked at Dwight.

‘Christ.’ he sighed. ‘Guess that means I’m on babysitting duty.’

‘Unless you want us all ending up in the brig.’ Ross took his cigarettes out and lit one, snapping his lighter closed angrily. ‘Fuck this shit.’ He turned and stomped off, his shoulders hunched.

‘Jesus.’ Flint’s face was pinched. ‘He doesn’t look good.’

‘That’s because he’s not.’ Dwight replied, following him. ‘Fuck, this is going to be a long night.’ He threw a look at them over his shoulder. ‘And if I have to drink with the sad Irish bastard, so do you two.’

‘That’s not gonna be a problem.’ Flint muttered, as he and Benny fell into step beside him.

**********

Three weeks later and apart from Anderson putting in a couple of calls to the GI hospital in Korea to deliver the news that LJ and Jim had arrived safely, there had been no word.

Ross stood in the shower, barely moving as the water cascaded down over him. He was numb, a default state he’d been in since Jim had left. He got up and got dressed and went to do his rotations like nothing was wrong, but inside he felt empty.

He had never been this low, not even at his worst when he’d first realised that his attraction to men wasn’t going anywhere. All he could think about was Jim and what he was doing, staring at the pictures he’d had developed by Clayton when he’d made a run to Saigon. He’d thought it would make things better, but seeing them in Bangkok and how happy they had been just made the ache inside of him grow in magnitude.

He turned the water off, moving on autopilot as he dried himself off and wrapped the towel around his waist. He was at the sink, razor in hand when Dwight came bursting into the head, looking like he’d just won the lottery.

‘There you are.’ His grin spread right across his face. ‘I got something for you.’

Ross stared at him, not quite taking in what he was saying. Then he spotted what was in Dwight’s hand.

‘What the hell is that?’ he asked and Dwight grinned.

‘You got a letter.’ His blue eyes were twinkling. ‘From California.’ He put a subtle emphasis on the word and Ross felt his heart skip a beat.

‘California?’ he swallowed noisily, hardly able to breathe as a surge of hope filled him.

‘Looks like someone found a way.’ Dwight held the letter out of his reach. ‘Nope. Get dressed first and come with me. You can read it after breakfast. You haven’t had a proper meal in the last three weeks.’

Ross felt a twinge of guilt. It was true. He’d been living on black coffee and cigarettes mostly, taking every opportunity to head down and get drunk with Flint and Benny, who were just as morose about being without their pilots. Dwight had done his best to try and keep his spirits up but Ross had been neglecting himself.

He got dressed and they went to the mess tent. The letter stayed in Dwight’s pocket until he was satisfied that Ross had eaten properly and then he handed it over, watching Ross bolt from the mess hall and out to have a cigarette and read while he looked out over the sea.

He sat down at the bench furthest from the buildings. It was a beautiful day, a light breeze coming in off the sea and making the heat bearable. He turned the letter over in his hands, noticing that the writing wasn’t Jim's, and then opened it. He took out the folded piece of paper, his heart pounding as he read the words, Jim’s neat handwriting jumping off the page and his voice sounding in Ross’ head as he started to read.

_Ross,_

_Things are not what I thought they would be here. It’s so strange being away from everything and being away from you is the worst of all. The routine is okay. They’ve got me doing a whole lot of stuff and its helping but right now, all I want is to be with you._

_The people here are nice and they are taking real good care of me. I know you worry, but you don’t have to because I’m doing fine. They’re letting me go home in four weeks because they said I’ll be all done by then. I’m walking around now, looking at the sky and writing this and thinking about you._

_I have run out of things to read, so I am bored as hell. There’s someone here who’s teaching me how to play chess, which passes some of the time. I’m off the meds completely now, and I’m sleeping again which you’ll probably be pleased to hear. I know you worry about that. I’m also eating but these bastards still won’t let me smoke._

_I worry about you too. We don’t get much in the way of news out here and I wonder what you’re doing every day, whether you’re okay or not. Let me know how you’re doing, okay? I miss speaking to you and this will help make things a little easier._

_I miss everything, if I’m honest. I miss the way you look at me, your voice, the way you smell._

_I miss everything._

_You can write me at the return address. I’ll be waiting there for you when you come home._

_I love you._

_J._

That was all there was, but it was enough and Ross had to put the letter down and lay his hands on the table to keep them from shaking. The language was neutral but he knew that was circumstance talking. He had never considered diverting their letters, but Jim had obviously come up with the idea while he was in Korea, lying healing and having nothing else to distract him. In retrospect is was a brilliant idea, if a little roundabout. Still, it meant a line of communication when he’d thought there would be none and now he clung to it like a lifeline.

He had a way to speak to him and Jim had one to speak back.

‘I love you too, baby.’ He murmured the words, staring at Jim’s handwriting.

A shadow alerted him to Dwight’s arrival. He had two mugs of coffee and handed one to Ross, sitting down opposite him.

‘Good news?’ he asked and Ross nodded, looking back out to sea and thinking of Jim’s eyes.

‘Very good news.’ he replied.

**********

Three weeks later and hundreds of miles away, Jim sighed and contemplated his next move. His opponent grinned and tapped the board impatiently.

‘Come on, Hawk.’ He nodded at the pieces. ‘You got to move sometime.’

‘I’m thinking.’ Jim threw the man a quick look. ‘It’s not like you got anywhere to go, Campbell.’

‘True.’ The man’s face split in a wide grin.

‘Shit.’ Jim huffed and moved his piece and then made an annoyed sound when he lost his knight in the next play.

‘I warned you.’ Green eyes twinkled at him in amusement.

‘Sneaky fucking bastard.’ Jim leaned his chin on his hands and went back to thinking.

‘When you’re out in the jungle you don’t have a goddamn choice.’ Harry pointed out and Jim snorted.

It had been a surprise to come to the hospital and discover that the man three beds down from him was the same one he’d seen watching him across the airport the day he’d left Bangkok with Ross, the same one he’d seen shepherding a dark haired sailor out the hotel when they were raided. They had skirted around each other for a day or so, checking each other out until Harry had finally pulled Jim aside in the common room and they had had their first conversation. Now they spent most of their time together, bonding over several things but most notably that they were both from California and also that they had both left a man behind that they loved more than anything else.

Harry had been injured two weeks before he was, almost straight after he’d gotten back, and been sent out the very next day on an insertion into the jungle north of Da Nang. It had been a botched mission from the get go and he’d lost almost his entire squad, bar one other man who had last been in intensive care and recovering from a head shot. Harry had been amazed he’d even managed to survive as long as he’d had. His own injuries had been to his abdomen and he still wore a colostomy bag while his intestines fixed themselves up. It had been the subject of several conversations and trading of stories.

Jim had been rather surprised by his reception on the whole, but once guys found out he was medevac they fell over themselves to tell him how other crews had saved their lives and that made him feel really good. Not only that but the hospital was a pleasant place, clean and clinical but filled with friendly American nurses and doctors that reminded him of home. The food was decent and he could spend his days in the common room, reading or playing chess with Harry and generally recuperating. At night he could look at his pictures that Ross had given him, secreted between the pages of the copy of The Tombs of Atuan that that Benny and Flint had given him to take with. It was meant to be his birthday present so they had all written inside the cover and now it stayed next to him all the time.

He’d improved remarkably in the past three weeks as week, the physical therapy and enforced smoking ban making him breathe more easily than he had for a while. He was also up and about more often, taking short walks in the along the hospital corridors and outside if the weather permitted. He still got tired really quickly and out of breath if he pushed himself to hard, but the stitches were now out and the gunshot wounds were fully closed up, the livid pink scars starting to whiten like the one on his thigh.

‘Hey Hawk.’ Jim looked up to see one of the GMOs coming across the room to their table.

‘Hey.’ He smiled at him as the man held out an envelope. ‘Is that for me?’

‘It got stuck down the back of the goddamn sorting desk this morning.’ The GMO chuckled. ‘We had to move the whole damn thing. We also found a dead mouse, so I hope you appreciate it.’

‘I do.’ Jim was beaming as he looked at the unfamiliar writing on the front. He knew that Rob had obviously enlisted the help of someone else to write the address, so that it looked like Jim was getting mail from a girl back home. All the while it would contain the diverted letter Ross had written him. It had been Harry who’d suggested the ruse, using a similar one to write to Alec on ship, and Jim had been delighted because it meant opening a line of communication where previously there had been no sign of any option in sight.

Harry waited until the GMO had walked off before looking at Jim, his green eyes curious.

‘That from him?’ he kept his voice low.

‘Yeah.’ Jim couldn’t stop smiling. ‘Do you mind?’

‘No.’ Harry was now smiling in kind. ‘I know that feeling far too well to stamp on it.’ He got up and stretched. ‘I’ll be back in a bit.’

‘Sure.’ Jim wasn’t even really listening anymore and Harry chuckled and walked off, moving slowly.

Jim ran his fingers over the envelope, then ripped it open and took out the single sheet of paper, covered in Ross’ spidery scrawl. His eyes darted across the page, hearing Ross’ voice in his head as he read the words.

_Dear Jim,_

_You have no idea how good it was to get your letter. I didn’t have any idea how much I would miss you until you were gone, and now it’s all I can do to keep myself busy enough around the place so that I don’t think about you every damn minute of the day._

_Things here are pretty much the same. D is griping about the heat, and she’s starting to get irritable with every little thing. I told her it was her hormones changing with the baby and she threw a magazine at my head. She’s worried of course, about Flint still being there for another long while. I am so glad you’re not anymore, even if it meant having you land up in hospital._

_I’m sorry if all this sounds a little weird, I’m not very good at writing letters and you probably can’t read my handwriting very well. Verity always says that she spends an hour deciphering what the damn words are before she can read what I’ve actually written._

_Other than that there’s not too much to tell. I worry about what to say a lot. The next one will be better (and longer)._

_I hope you’re doing okay and I miss you more than you know._

_I love you,_

_R._

When he finished the letter, Jim read it again and again. He smiled to himself, love making him feel warmed through. It wasn’t much, but it was a damn sight more than he’d had the day before.  
‘Good news?’ Harry was coming back at his snail’s pace and Jim nodded.

‘He’s a shitty letter writer.’ He laughed. ‘But hell if it ain’t good to get even this.’

‘Yeah.’ Harry lowered himself back into the chair. ‘Alec is awful. He writes like he talks and half the shit I don’t fucking understand because it’s all Navy lingo.’

‘It must be so strange.’ Jim looked at him. ‘Having to pretend after you’ve been together so long.’

‘No, we make a game out of it.’ Harry was now focused back on the chess pieces. ‘I call him Alice and he calls me Hilda.’

‘Jesus.’ Jim burst out laughing. ‘Seriously?’

‘Yeah. We sound like a couple of maiden aunts, but it means the fucking censors don’t know what the hell’s going on so…’ Harry glanced up at him. ‘You look happier.’

‘I am happier.’ Jim replied. ‘This makes me feel like we are going to make it.’ He smiled at Harry. ‘Knowing you two made a go of it does too.’

‘It’s hard.’ Harry admitted. ‘You have to hide a lot of shit. Our folks have no idea.’ His mouth quirked in a not-quite smile. ‘They keep asking us when we’re going to stop living our bachelor lifestyle and find ourselves a couple of girls to settle down with. My mom likes to joke that we need to find a pair of twin sisters and just get on with it.’ He huffed. ‘I think Alec’s sister suspects. She hasn’t said anything, it’s just a feeling, but she kind of treats me like I belong to him.’

‘Well, you do.’ Jim grinned and moved his piece. ‘Ross and I ain’t got any brothers or sisters. Just my dad and his folks. He has a couple of cousins though. He’s real close to Verity, but not so much with Francis.’

‘Yeah?’ Harry raised his eyebrows at him. ‘Any reason why?’

‘Not really.’ Jim chuckled. ‘Although his fiancée dumped Ross for him.’

‘Jesus.’ Harry laughed. ‘Did she know?’

‘I don’t think so.’ Jim shrugged. ‘Her loss, my gain and all that shit.’

‘Amen to that.’ Harry replied and made his move.

*********

The next letter came in a parcel.

Ross got it three weeks to the day after the first one in a parcel wrapped in brown paper and sporting the same return address. He took it all down to the revetment that night after rotation for his now regular date with them and found them in the club, propping up the bar. Thankfully they were alone.

‘Hey Doc.’ Flint raised his beer. ‘Pull up a stool.’

‘Thanks.’ Ross went around the bar to grab himself a beer and came back to take a seat, chucking a pack of cigarettes on the bar for them to share. ‘Look what I got today.’ He had dumped the parcel on the countertop and now he got to opening it.

‘That from Verity?’ Benny asked, peering over Ross’ shoulder.

‘Nope.’ Ross stuck his cigarette between his teeth. ‘It’s from Rob.’ He grinned. ‘Looks like it’s not just letters I’m getting.’ He had told them about the letter from Jim and assured them that he was well. He got the string undone and ripped the paper off to expose the box underneath.

‘Here.’ Flint handed him his pocket knife and Ross slit the tape on the outside.

When he opened the box, he found an assortment of the usual things Rob had sent Jim and doled them out to Flint and Benny. There was also a note from Rob, just a couple of lines and good wishes, but it made Ross feel unexpectedly happy. His prospective father-in-law, or whatever he could be called, had taken on the job of sending him care packages which proved to be much more useful than those sent by his own family, Verity excepted.

At the bottom was a copy of The Andromeda Strain and that made Ross grin. He’d told Jim he didn’t much like reading and Jim had vowed to educate him. This was clearly an attempt, but when he took the book out he noticed a corner of a piece of paper sticking out and opened the book to reveal a letter stuck between the pages. He took it out, breaking into a wide smile and stuck it in his pocket.

‘Now see that.’ Flint’s black eyes were twinkling. ‘That’s the face of a happy man.’

‘I got a lot to be happy about.’ Ross replied. It was only one more week and then he’d be getting on that freedom bird and getting the hell out of there. Not only that, but Jim was going to be leaving the same week. Anderson had done him a favour and made another phone call to check Jim’s discharge date and it was only three days after Ross got back.

‘Man, then it’s gonna be just us.’ Benny grumbled.

‘Yeah.’ Flint nodded.

‘How’s your new pilot?’ Ross asked. They had been assigned an AC who’d been transferred up from the Delta. His name was Carlisle and he was a tall, quiet man with almost white blond hair and icy blue eyes. He seemed to be completely lacking in a sense of humour but they had said he was a pro, completely assured in a bird and calm under anything that had been thrown at them so far. They had also lost their previous pilot due to a bad case of appendicitis and Brady had gotten a rookie straight from flight school to replace him.

‘He’s okay.’ Flint sounded considering. ‘He ain’t Hawk, but he’s got potential.’

‘We’ll be gone by the time he gets good though.’ Benny remarked. He was missing Jim and LJ but he was also living for the fact that he was no longer the FNG in the bird.

‘That reminds me.’ Ross said to him. ‘I need to get your high school transcripts. When I get to the other side, I can finalise getting you into the programme.’

‘Sure.’ Benny replied. ‘Everything’s at my folks’ house. They can mail them up to you.’

‘Good.’ Ross sipped his beer. ‘You’re going to like Boston.’

‘Thanks for letting me have your place.’ Benny said. ‘It’s really going to help.’

‘Well, I’m not going to be living there, so you may as well keep out the burglars.’ Ross replied. He’d considered selling his apartment near the hospital in that he used during his residency, but then reasoned that there was no point. Benny was willing to take over the bills, and it meant he wouldn’t have to pay rent.

Flint chuckled.

‘No-one in their right mind would break in with that living there.’ He gave Benny an affectionate shove.

‘I’m pretty excited.’ Benny grinned. ‘I’ve never lived by myself before.’

‘You’re not going to be using it much.’ Ross warned him. ‘You’re going to be working your ass off. Remember, there’s going to be people who have come in from college and you’re going to be studying and working your rotations at the same time. You’re not going to have time to sleep all that much.’

‘Yeah, but I’ll be getting my degree.’ Benny was now serious. ‘That’s going to be worth more than anything else.’

‘And when you’re a doctor, you can look back on this shit and know something good came out of it.’ Flint smiled. ‘Just like baby McGraw.’

They all grinned at each other. Demelza was now two months along and suffering from severe digestive upset, something she was not taking kindly to. Anderson had finally pulled rank and told her she was out of the R & E at the end of her first trimester, which meant she would be leaving at the beginning of December to go and live with Flint’s parents until he got back.

They sat and talked and drank until 68 got off duty and joined them. Ross was more than a little drunk when he finally called it a night and headed back up to the 91st. He took a long slow walk along the beach and up to the bluff, stopping just shy of the grassed area. The line of lights was on and he had enough to read by so he sat down and lit a cigarette and took the letter out of his pocket.

_Dear Ross,_

_Just one more week to go and then I’ll be home. It seems surreal to be making it out of here, but knowing that I’ll finally be in the same country as you is what I’m holding onto. I know it’s only going to be a few months until I can see you again and then we can get started with our lives together and that makes me happier than I’ve ever been._

_I’ve met someone here and they’ve been great about helping me to see that we do have a future and that future is ours to hold onto and take forward with us. He misses his girlfriend every bit as much as I miss you and he’s made me see that you are what I need._

_Rob’s going to pick me up from the base. They’re flying me into Travis so it’s not too far from home. I think the first thing I am going to do is get a burger at that place I told you about and then get home and sleep in my own bed for about a hundred hours. After that, I’m going down to the beach to look at the waves (because apparently I’m under doctor’s orders not to go in the damn water)._

_I am giving you my number so you can call me when I get back. I know you will be worrying but at least we can speak to each other. They have said to give is a couple more months and then I can start looking for a job. Rob told me he’s asked around and the Department of Forestry and Fire is looking for pilots. Seems the army is selling off some of the birds and they’re going to get one but there ain’t nobody there who can pilot the damn thing so I’m going to try my luck when they put a call out._

_I know you’re probably shaking your head at me right now, but I can’t sit around and do nothing. You know that I’ll just get bored and then I will get into trouble. And this way, when you get down here to Cali I’ll be able to get us a place just for us._

_Shit, they just called lights out. They make me go to bed so goddamn early here._

_I love you, baby. Not too long now._

_J._

Ross smiled and looked up as a bird flew over.

Only one more week.

*********

Five days later, Jim was on his freedom bird.

He had only been meant to leave in three days’ time, but they had bumped him up when they had decided he was well enough to travel. Not only that, but the casualties were coming thick and fast as the conflict heated up. 1970 was proving to be a hell of a year, and not in a good way.

The crew were moving around the cabin, checking in on them and making sure those who were seated had their seat belts fastened. This bird was an army plane and there were a number of soldiers still confined to cots. Jim was grateful he wasn’t one of them, but the flight had been less comfortable than he would have liked. He was still sore, even though his stitches were out and the external wounds more or less healed.

The bird started to descend and he felt the knot in his stomach tighten. It felt unbelievable that in a few moments they would be touching down and he would be going home.

The plane touched down, tyres screeching. This was no soft landing, in and out quickly and with little thought for the comfort of the passengers. Jim couldn’t even look out the window because there were none. He felt the plane come to a stop and waited patiently until the medics started to get them up and out.

Because he could walk, he was able to get off first and soon he was out into the California sunshine. It was weaker than Vietnam, winter making the light soft and hazy, but the second he breathed in the air it was like an awakening.

They were herded along to the building in front of them, a typical aircraft hangar, and processed. The sergeant in charge checked through Jim’s discharge papers, signed them off and stamped them and then he was free to make his way along to the stretch of land behind the building where the families were allowed to wait.

He saw a bunch of people when he stepped outside and it took him a while to find who he was looking for. A loud bark alerted him and then there they were.

His first thought was that his father looked like he’d aged ten years since Jim had left for basic, but the second Rob saw him he smiled and then it all came flooding in on him. He had Blackbeard with him and the lab’s tail was wagging so hard it was a blur.

Jim stood there, momentarily frozen in place as he met his father’s eyes. All around him people were embracing, happy tears and laughter and chatter drowning everything out as he moved forward, taking his time and seeing how Rob watched him, trepidation on his face as if he couldn’t believe that he was actually seeing his son come home.

They looked at each other, neither of them moving, but then Blackbeard decided for them and he yanked the leash out of Rob’s hand and wiggled his way over, bowling a couple of people out the way as he did. When he got to Jim he started whining happily and pressed up against Jim’s legs and Jim dropped his duffle and bent over to pet him, the residual pain in his side vanishing as Blackbeard wheezed and licked his hands and wagged his tail frantically.

‘Hey boy.’ Jim stroked Blackbeard’s thick fur, his vision was blurring as the tears came and then he felt a hand on his shoulder and straightened up to see Rob looking at him with tears standing out in his clear blue eyes.

‘Jim.’ He took in a deep breath and Jim gave in to what he was feeling and threw his arms around his father, wanting nothing more than to be held the way Rob had always held him when he was sad or hurt or scared. Rob responded, gingerly putting his own arms around Jim and then tightening his grip and holding on. Jim inhaled deeply, his father’s aftershave soothing him like it did when he was little, and he leaned into him.

He only realised how badly he was shaking when one of Rob’s hands came up and started stroking the back of his head.

‘It’s okay, Jim.’ His voice was low. ‘I got you now. You’re home.’

‘Dad…’ Jim couldn’t get anything else out, too choked by his overwhelming sense of relief at being home.

Instead he just stood there, letting Rob hold him up and closing his eyes as he tried to keep from crying with Blackbeard’s tail thumping gently against his legs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Leaving On A Jet Plane by John Denver.


	22. We've Only Just Begun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for a long overdue reunion.

Ross stood at the pay phone waiting for it to be answered on the other side. He smiled when he heard Rob's voice.

‘Hi Rob.’ He leaned against the wall of the booth. ‘How are you?’

‘Ross.’ He could hear the smile in Rob’s voice. It was the same happy tone Jim got when he answered the phone and Ross grinned. It had been fascinating to him to learn these things about Jim, so see where he got his mannerisms and verbal tics from. He and Rob were so alike they seemed more like brothers to him than father and son. 

Since he’d gotten to Fort Deven there had been regular calls, every chance he could get to go off the base and find a pay phone. Sometimes he got Rob and he and Jim’s father had had more than a few long talks when Jim wasn’t there because he’d taken Blackbeard down to the beach or he was working. Of course he hadn’t been able to stay out of the water for long, although Rob had assured him that he’d been keeping a close eye on Jim to make sure he wasn’t overdoing things. 

Jim had been doing well. He had had regular monthly check-ups at the Veteren’s hospital in San Francisco and Rob had also taken him to the doctor in Eureka. Ross had been sure to get as much information out of him as possible because Jim had a bad habit of glossing over what had been said. It was now six months down the line and he was fully healed. He had been surfing since March, the regular exercise meaning that he was fit and strong again, something he emphasised every time Ross gave him shit. He had also been back at work. The job with the Forestry Department had come through and Jim was stationed at the Forest Fire Station up in Trinidad during his shifts, coming back down to Rob when he had down time. He was on long range patrol which meant some days he was out of contact entirely. Still, he was happy to be back at work and back in a bird. 

‘So how are things down in sunny California?’ Ross asked and Rob chuckled. 

‘Too damn hot.’ he replied. ‘Jim’s been busy. The whole damn coast is crunchy as hell and all you gotta do is look at it wrong and it goes up. He’s just out on the porch having a smoke.’

‘You’d think he’d know better.’ Ross laughed and Rob joined him. He was envious, longing to be there with Jim sitting and looking out at the sea. 

‘Yeah.’ Rob held the phone away and Ross waited for the inevitable yell. ‘Jim! Ross is on the phone!’ He came back briefly. ‘So next week you’ll be an official house pest chez Hawkins, huh?’

‘Yeah.’ Ross couldn’t stop the smile that crossed his face. ‘I appreciate you putting me up.’

‘Ain’t nothin’.’ Rob drawled in that lazy way of his. ‘Glad to do it. I’ll be looking forward to finally meeting you.’

‘Likewise.’ Ross replied. He heard the sound of footsteps in the background.

‘Here he is.’ Rob said. ‘See you soon, Ross.’ He handed the receiver to Jim, and Ross heard them talking but it was hard to make out. Then Jim was on the line and Ross smiled again when he heard how relaxed he sounded. 

‘Hey baby.’ He moved and Ross knew he was probably perched on the kitchen counter. ‘How you doin’?

‘Good.’ He felt that little ache in his chest, that missing piece of him that he needed to feel complete. ‘How was your day yesterday?’

‘Not too bad.’ There was a raspy noise as Jim scratched at his stubble and Ross knew it had been a lazy morning. ‘We flew out some kids to the North Meadow to go look at bugs. I swear they screamed the whole damn way. It was pretty cool.’

Ross smiled. Jim loved his new job and his new bird and it was easy to hear that in his voice. 

‘I am starting to get jealous over here.’ he laughed.

‘Don’t be.’ Jim was also laughing. ‘You know I love your ass the best.’

There was a chuckle from the background and Ross knew Rob was still in the kitchen. They had precious little privacy but that was all going to change next weekend when he would walk out of Lovell a free man and they had two weeks to get themselves home. 

They were taking their time, stopping in at Boston to see Benny and his new girlfriend, who he’d met at Massachusetts General, before winging their way through to Michigan and Detroit to catch up with LJ and the new parents. It had turned out that Demelza’s calculations had been a little off the mark, something Ross teased her about mercilessly in his letters to her, and Cherie Abigail McGraw had turned up a month earlier than they had thought she would. He was looking forward to seeing them all and he knew Jim felt the same. 

He had been very cagey about what he’d told his family. Thankfully, Joshua and Grace had not really been interested in when he was being discharged, not the Ross had expected them to after his less than amicable departure, but Verity had wanted to come and meet him and bring him back to Boston for a grand family barbeque hosted by Charles. 

Ross had begged off as best he could, citing a new job opportunity in California and the pressing need to get himself settled. That one had been easier to explain than he’d thought. His parents hadn’t questioned his decision to start over in a new city, especially when he’d pointed out that he would have to endure the fact that Elizabeth and Francis were now married and expecting their first child. Not that it mattered. He was happy to leave it all behind. The only thing they needed to do was stop off and stay overnight at the apartment and pick up his things and then they’d be headed down the interstate and towards their new life. They would stay with Rob until Ross could find himself a job and then find their own place.

‘So we all set?’ he asked and Jim hummed in agreement, the sound of him drinking what was more than likely a beer making Ross jealous of more than just the bird. He’d been plagued with dreams of Jim for the past week, waking up hard and having to jack himself off before he’d even gotten out of bed just to calm himself down. He sighed and heard Jim chuckle. 

‘You okay there, Doc?’ He had a teasing note in his voice. ‘You sound kinda…overwrought.’

‘Big fucking word.’ Ross bit back but Jim just laughed at him and then spoke to Rob. 

‘Dad.’ There was an expectant tone in his voice. 

‘Yeah, yeah I’m goin’.’ Ross heard Rob laugh in the background and then there was the sound of the screen door swinging to. Jim waited until he was obviously out of earshot and then shifted the phone. 

‘I miss you.’ he said and Ross leaned his forehead against the wall. 

‘I miss you too.’ He sighed again. ‘This is taking too damn long.’

‘You ain’t got no patience, baby.’ Jim murmured, his voice dipping dangerously low. ‘You want to know what I’ve been thinking about?’

‘Christ, no.’ Ross answered. ‘I’m just going to get riled up.’

‘I’ve been thinking about our first night after I bust you out of there.’ Jim replied. ‘I’m gonna fuck your ass so hard you won’t be able to walk right for a week. And when you can’t take anymore, I’m gonna climb on that beautiful cock and ride you the rest of the way.’

‘Jesus fuck, Jim.’ Ross felt his face heat up. ‘You can’t say shit like that.’

‘Sure I can.’ Jim was grinning. Ross could practically hear it down the line. He was desperately trying to fight back the feelings that surged through him, his mind filling with impressions of Jim that were doing little to help. If he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine what it was like to feel Jim underneath him, hear his breathing quicken and smell the arousal thickening the air. It had been what had kept him going his whole time at Lowell. 

‘I want that.’ He breathed out to steady himself. ‘You have no idea how much.’

‘Soon, baby.’ Jim replied. ‘I can’t believe it’s been eight months already.’

‘Neither can I.’ Ross sighed. ‘God, I just want to see you.’

‘That all?’ Jim chuckled. ‘You can do better than that.’

‘No.’ Ross admonished. ‘I’m standing in a goddamn phone booth, and I have to go on rotation when I get back. I can’t walk around with a hard-on all damn night.’

‘Chicken.’ Jim was now laughing and the carefree way he sounded made Ross smile. He worried about him so much, and one of the things that he was really looking forward to was seeing that Jim was okay. ‘You getting ready to pack up and say goodbye to all that army bullshit?’

‘God, yes.’ Ross said. ‘But I probably can’t stay unemployed for too long.’

‘Fuck that.' Jim retorted. ‘Your life ain’t gonna end because you have a month off and I’m working now so we don’t have to worry about money too much.’

‘Yeah.’ Ross checked his watch. ‘Shit, I got to go. I have to get back and then rounds are at six.’

‘Okay.’ Jim moved again. ‘So, I’ll be at the gate next Sunday but I’ll call as I go if I can. You want me to bring anything?’

‘No.’ Ross shifted the receiver. ‘All my shit is at the apartment so I can pick it up when we go.’

‘Great.’ Jim got quiet and Ross knew he didn’t want to say goodbye. ‘I guess I’ll see you then, Doc.’

‘Yeah.’ Ross looked around, checking no-one was in earshot. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too.’ Jim replied and then hung up and Ross did the same, heaving another sigh as he exited the booth and made his way back down the street and headed for the base. 

*********

Jim came out onto the porch and Rob looked up at him, squinting against the sun. It was heading into summer and the sky was bright and clear as they headed into the afternoon. It put Jim in the mind for surfing but Rob had other plans for them. 

‘You need to get dressed.’ he drawled around his cigarette. ‘It’s almost one and you’re still in your goddamn shorts.’

‘So?’ Jim went and sat down next to him on the bench and leaned back, enjoying the warmth on his face. This had been the best part about coming home, the need to do as little as he chose when he had time off. He wasn’t due back at work now until five days after he and Ross got back, then it would be all hands on deck as the summer season kicked in properly. ‘Sides, I don’t even really want to go anywhere.’

Rob chuckled and inhaled in his cigarette. 

‘We’ve been putting it off, kid.’ He gave Jim a meaningful look. ‘I can’t keep makin’ excuses for you.’

‘I know.’ Jim conceded. ‘I’ll get dressed just now. Then I can go be sociable.’ 

They were headed to the Trelawneys for a late afternoon cook-out and Jim was not looking forward to a crowd of people. He’d been keeping a pretty low profile since he’d gotten back, mostly because he’d been in a really bad place the first few months. His injury had healed but his head hadn’t, and for weeks afterwards Jim had jumped at loud noises and cars backfiring. Even a slamming door was enough to set his heart racing. 

He’d started looking for work but nothing had appealed to him like the idea of being back in the air and he’d made little effort until the Forestry department had put their call out and he’d driven all the way up to Trinidad to go and talk to them. He’d been lucky, his experience and his knowledge as a local standing him in good stead and they’d offered him the job a week later. The bird he would be flying had arrived two weeks into the job and Jim had felt a funny shiver go down his spine the second he’d looked at her. The Army were selling off the older models cheap as they bought in new versions of the Bell, and his new girl was a dead ringer for Susie. 

The second he’d sat down at her controls, Jim had felt more at peace than he had since he’d gotten back. His role was simple, ferrying rangers and students and firefighters over the vast wooded areas that made up the northern part of California, but the salary was more than enough to keep him and he realised that this was where he was meant to be. It gave him an inordinate amount of happiness to take the bird up, feeling out the Californian air currents and seeing his home from above, and Jim knew he was incredibly lucky to have found something that suited him as well as this did. 

The men he worked with were a combination of grizzled old timers who’d grown up in the Forestry service and younger men like himself. There were two more pilots who’d been hired at the same time, and they had instantly bonded over stories from their tours in Vietnam. Joe was twenty-five and had spent his entire time down in the Delta, while Larry was only twenty and had managed one tour before he’d been shot down and shipped home from Da Nang. Unlike Jim, they had both been gunship pilots and they had looked at him with a combination of awe and gratitude when he’d told them he was medevac. 

Simple little things about the job had made him feel right at home as well, the uniforms and element of discipline and routine that Jim had slipped right back into without even trying. The older guard were all good guys who had taken their time teaching him the ropes and were also respectful of what he’d been through and the skills he’d come back with and Jim knew that he’d found where he was supposed to be. He did worry a little that Ross would not be so keen to stay where they were but Jim was hoping to persuade him to make a move closer to the station, maybe up in Trinidad itself.

After he’d gotten dressed and ready to go, they took Rob’s truck and drove down to the Trelawneys. Neither of them said anything, but they both knew the other reason Jim was not so keen to make an appearance was because the Trelawneys’ niece had come to stay with them for the summer before she started at UCLA, and they had decided that her and Jim would make a perfect pair.

Jim had nothing against her. Nancy was sweet and pretty and clever and they both liked a lot of the same things, but it was getting more and more difficult to put her off. He knew that it would be expected of him. Half his graduating class were already parents, never mind married, and Jim knew that the only way he’d be able to escape the perpetual matchmaking of those people around him was to get out of Eureka altogether. Moving to Trinidad with Ross would be the perfect escape. 

The cook-out was reasonably bearable. Nancy glued herself to his side and Jim had found himself getting increasingly antsy as he tried to avoid her attentions and that being polite made him start feeling cornered. He’d found that he was far more short tempered than he’d been before he’d gone overseas, especially since he’d had to curtail the amount of grass he did at home and never touched the stuff at work. He retreated to the kitchen and Rob came in few minutes later, his face concerned. 

‘You okay?’ he asked and Jim shrugged. He was lucky. Rob’s time in Korea had given him a good understanding of what his son was experiencing and he went out of his way to give Jim space and still keep tabs on him when he needed to. 

‘She’s being real persistent today.’ he replied, his mouth twisting a little. 

‘Yeah.’ Rob looked back out the kitchen window. ‘Sorry.’

‘Ain’t your fault.’ Jim sighed and went to the fridge to get another beer. ‘And it’s not like I can just tell her why I’m not interested.’

‘No.’ Rob leaned against the counter. ‘But look at it this way, it’s one more day and then you’re outta here. Come on, one more hour and then we’ll go home so you can get some sleep before you hit the road.’

Jim smiled at that. He was leaving the next morning to take the week’s drive up to Massachusetts to collect Ross when he got discharged and then another two weeks back to stop off and see everyone. He was so looking forward to that, to seeing Ross and getting him the hell out of Lowell. He’d had to listen to him get progressively more and more despondent as the weeks and then months had passed and Jim knew that they needed each other. 

‘Okay.’ He cracked open his fresh beer. ‘But I’m only doing this because you asked, old man.’

Rob laughed and threw an arm around his shoulders. 

‘And it’s appreciated.’ he replied and steered Jim out the kitchen and back into the yard. 

Rob kept his word and an hour later they were on their way back to their house. Rob pulled in and Jim got out his side, walking up to head inside without really thinking much except for running through what he had to do the next morning. His bag was packed, the van was gassed up and he had a road map that had his route all plotted out. 

He went into his bedroom and smiled again as he looked at the double bed that took up pretty much the whole room now. It had been waiting for him when he’d gotten back from his last week on call, and Jim had been blown away by the gesture although true to form he and Rob had kind of glossed over it. He’d known that Ross’ presence would not be something that would make Rob uncomfortable, but the fact that his father had acknowledged their relationship in that way had meant a great deal to him. 

‘Hey.’ Jim turned to see his father hanging in the door. ‘You sure you got enough money for the drive up?’

‘Yeah Dad.’ He smiled at Rob. ‘You know that’s like the eighth time you’ve asked me.’

‘Can’t be too careful.’ Rob replied. ‘And you’ll call me when you get to Salt Lake City?’

‘You know I will.’ Jim was grinning. ‘If you want, I’ll call every time I stop.’

Rob had been oddly protective since he’d come back, but Jim didn’t mind. It was nice to know he was being worried about and now he was able to reassure Rob that he would be fine. The drive was a long one, but it would only take a stretch between cities each day along the interstates to get him to Lowell. It was a way to drive, and Jim would be pushing twelve hour days, but he wanted to get there as fast as possible. With six days he would make it in time and then they could cruise back.

Rob said goodnight and left him to go to bed. Jim took his sneakers and shirt off and lay on the bed, one arm behind his head and smoking while he stared at the ceiling. 

He was strangely nervous. It had been so long since they had been together and he’d had far too much time to think about them and what it would be like to be together here, away from the war and all the things that had shaped their relationship. He wondered if the feelings would still be there between them, the heat and passion that he’d missed so much. He wondered if Ross had changed in his time back in the States. 

He knew he had.

********

The two weeks dragged horribly, and by the time Ross got to his last day he was about fit to explode. Everything irritated him now, his mind having left the army behind the second he’d tripped over into the last week. Still he went on shift, treated wounded soldiers and listened to their stories, every one hitting home as he realised that in a few short days he would be free. 

He didn’t have any emergency work to do so he was on routine checks and treatments and he’d had the opportunity to talk a lot of the men that came through his ward. There were a few medevac guys and he’d taken the time to get to know them, feeling a kinship that came from working with his own crews so closely. They had had the same stories that Jim had told him and it had made Ross feel better, like he had a little bit of Jim still with him in an odd sort of way. 

Still, it had been hard work. The numbers of wounded were only increasing week after week as the war hit bloody peaks that left them all reeling from the evidence of brutality that came through their doors. Ross also saw men who came back broken by their time in Vietnam, a lot of them barely out of their teens and hardly coping with what they had been part of. He’d seen them in the aftermath of their injuries, heard them screaming as they battled the nightmares they had come home with and watched as they crumbled in front of him. It had been the hardest part of his six months there, especially when he saw how those ones were spirited away and sent to the psych wards to be dealt with. 

It made him realise just how lucky he and Jim were to be relatively unscathed, even if he still felt his heart start racing and his adrenaline flowed every time he heard a bird go over. At least he wasn’t beset by nightmares or so emotionally depressed that he couldn’t work. He’d always been good at compartmentalising and that’s what he had done. 

Now he stood and stared at his bag, lying on his bed. His room in the hospital barracks was small and spartan, but it had been his own private space and Ross had been thankful for that. He hadn’t bothered to personalise any aspect of it, knowing that it would never feel like a place he wanted to be, not with Jim out there on the other side of the walls and chain link fencing. 

He put in the last few things, his wash kit and copy of Flint with all his photographs of he and Jim now slipped in between the pages where once it had been pictures of his family going in last before he closed it up. He was in his khaki uniform, his dress greens in the suit carrier hanging over the end of the bed and his other clothing all in the bag. 

Breakfast was done and Jim was due to pick him up an hour. Ross still had to go and outprocess in the main admin building, pick up his discharge papers and sign everything off before he was completely free. He looked around the room one last time, put on his cap and left to walk the manicured pathway to the admin block. 

There a very nice administrator walked him through his paperwork. Ross listened carefully, pocketed his final pay check and signed all the places he was told to before he was handed his file and wished well. It was surreal that the last three years of his life was done in what amounted to a thirty minute conversation, and the feeling persisted all the way back to the barracks to collect his things and then meander down to the parking lot to meet Jim. 

It was at the far end of the base and it took a little longer than Ross anticipated to get there. He also stopped a couple of times to exchange pleasantries with some of the other personnel. They had thrown him a discharge party the night before so he’d already said his goodbyes, but there were still well-wishers that slowed him down. By the time he got to the parking lot, it was quarter past twelve and he was puffing, having jogged the last few hundred yards when he realised he was running late. 

He scanned the tarmac and then his heart jumped in his chest when he saw a black van at the back. It was a Dodge, one of those he associated with surfer movies, and Ross just stood and stared at it. It had an airbrushed scene painted on the back in lieu of windows, a sunset and beach and waves and he knew instantly that it was Jim’s, the surfboard on the racks on top just another confirmation.

There was nobody else being discharged with him that day and he walked towards the van, his pulse hammering as he tried to calm his breathing as he watched the driver’s door open and then Jim got out. Ross stared at him, watching him get closer and closer and come into focus. Jim smiled at him, dimples deep, and Ross started seeing things, little details that jumped out at him as he looked Jim over. 

Jim was now deeply tanned, his blue-green eyes and white teeth startling in his face. He was in blue jeans and Keds, a faded red t-shirt stretched across his chest and arms, his white paua shell beads around his neck. His hair had grown out a little, bleached bright blond by the sun and salt water, and as Ross looked at him he felt his stomach knot as a thousand butterflies took flight inside him. 

He stopped about a foot from him and their eyes met. Jim seemed every bit as transfixed as he was. He looked back at Ross, and Ross knew that any thought he’d given to Jim’s feelings diminishing over time were completely unfounded now as they found themselves back together again and it felt every bit as intense at it had all those months before. 

It was Jim who finally broke the silence. 

‘Hi Doc.’ He moved his hands to his pockets, shoving his fists in deep, and Ross knew that he was doing that because he was trying to hold back what he was feeling. He knew it himself, could feel the love bubbling up over and coming out in his smile. 

‘Hawk.’ He wanted nothing more than to take that last step, bundle Jim up in his arms and kiss him until they both had to stop for air. ‘Long time, no see.’

Jim caught the tone of his voice and now his smile was blinding. It knocked Ross sideways and he wondered how he’d ever managed without it. Christ knew that he was going to do everything in his power to make sure that he never had to again.

Jim shifted from one foot to the other.

‘So you want to just stand here and talk Doc, or do you want to get out of here?’ he asked and the mischief that Ross adored so much was there, playing at the edges of his words. He laughed and looked past him to the van. 

‘Not much of a ride.’ He gave Jim a smile and saw how Jim’s breathing caught just the tiniest bit as heat flared between them like a fire out of control. 

‘Yeah?’ He gave the van a glance over his shoulder and when he looked back at Ross, his eyes were burning. ‘Well, if we didn’t have to drive to Boston it would give me a chance to find a motel and I’d give you a much better one.’

‘Christ.’ Ross felt all the blood started heading south the second he said the words. ‘Guess you’ve still got a one track mind.’

‘When it comes to you, damn right.’ Jim replied. ‘Now get in the goddamn van Doc, and let’s get the fuck out of here.’

Ross laughed and chucked his duffle at him, making Jim stagger back a step as he caught it. He hefted the bag and frowned. 

‘What the hell have you got in here?” he asked as he turned and opened the back doors, throwing the bag onto the bed that he’d built into the back. Ross couldn’t help but notice that it was wide enough for two and his head filled with all kinds of possibilities. He moved past him and did the same with his suit carrier, noticing that the interior was wood panelled and had a small kitchen against the far wall and cubicles built in under the bed that held clothes and books. It smelt of coconut surf wax and that took him back instantly to a week in Bali. 

‘This is incredible.’ he said and Jim chuckled. 

‘Yeah, well it’s gonna be home for the next couple of weeks.’ he said. ‘So you better like it.’ He slammed the doors shut and moved back to the driver’s side and got in. Ross grinned and walked around the van as Jim started it up, pulling the door open and climbing up into the passenger seat, noticing as he did that Jim had his Huey bracelet hanging around the rear view mirror. He settled in and looked across at him. They still hadn’t even so much as touched and now he wanted it, probably more than he’d wanted anything else in his life. 

Jim gave him a sidelong glance and grinned. 

‘We got an hour’s drive to Boston, Ross.’ he admonished and the rough tone of his voice made Ross shiver in anticipation. ‘No funny stuff.’

‘I’m not doing anything.’ Ross was now smirking. He could still read Jim like he used to and he knew that under that careless smile, Jim was raring to go just like he was. 

The ride to Boston was torture. They chatted about the base and Ross’ discharge and Jim’s work. Ross was pleased to see how animated Jim got when he spoke about flying the bird and recounted stories about what he’d been up to, the beaches he’d surfed and how he’d adapted back to civilian life. Mostly though, Ross just listened to Jim talk and watched him drive and smoke, one hand waving around and dragging the cigarette through the air. Jim caught him staring and laughed and it was like they had never been apart. 

‘I missed you, Doc.’ he said and Ross smiled and leaned his head back against the seat and stared at Jim’s mouth.

‘I missed you too.’ He sighed. ‘So goddamn much.’

‘What time is Benny getting back from the hospital?’ Jim asked and Ross took a moment to check his watch. It was nearing one and he felt his stomach lurch pleasantly as he realised that they would have at least four hours alone. 

‘His shift ends at six.’ he replied. Jim was obviously thinking the same thing because his next smile was wicked. 

‘I hope like fuck you came prepared.’ His dimples were out again. 

‘I did.’ Ross laughed. He’d made a run on the supply room at regular intervals and there was now quite a serious stash of KY lurking at the bottom of his bag. 

‘Good.’ Jim turned into the road Ross had directed him to. ‘Maybe we should go eat first.’

‘Fuck that.’ Ross retorted. ‘I told Benny to make sure there was food in the apartment. We can go get dinner later if you want.’ He leaned forward and grinned as the apartment block he lived in came into view. ‘You can stop there.’

Jim parked the van right outside and they got out, stretching and then going to retrieve Ross’ bag from the back of the van. He led the way up to the front door, using keys he hadn’t touched in over a year to open the front door and let them into the lobby. Everything looked the same and he walked over to the stars, going up and staring around him as they ascended, Jim right behind him.

Ross’ apartment was at the top for the stairwell on the second floor, overlooking the road outside. He got to the front door and handed his bag to Jim as he went through the process again, sticking the keys in his pocket as he got the door open and ushered Jim inside, following him until he stopped. The apartment wasn’t big, but it was comfortable and Ross felt a bit strange at the way he was staring around him. 

‘It’s not much.’ he said, moving past him. ‘Our room’s through there.’ He nodded at the door to the corridor. ‘Kitchen’s in there.’ He turned back and then he got hit full on as Jim launched himself at him. 

The kiss was bruising, Jim intent on making sure that Ross knew just how much he’d been missed. Ross threw himself into it, responding in kind and grabbing Jim by the front of his t-shirt and then going right back to kissing him frantically even as they almost fell over his duffle bag. 

‘Fuck.’ Jim’s voice was flat and he whined even as Ross got his ass in both hands and hauled him in close, biting at his neck. ‘Where’s the bedroom again?’

‘That way.’ Ross steered him backwards and somehow they managed to get out the living room and down the passage, crashing through Ross’ bedroom door. Thankfully Benny had the bed all made up in readiness for their visit and they toppled over onto it, bouncing slightly and almost falling off. 

Jim laughed and toppled Ross over onto his back, coming to sit astride him with sparkling eyes and flushed cheeks as he unbuttoned Ross’ uniform shirt. Ross lay and watched him, moving one hand to rub over the bulge in his jeans and smiling as Jim growled at him. 

‘Asshole.’ His eyes were flashing. ‘Get your goddamn clothes off.’

‘Or what?’ Ross laughed. ‘You’re looking kind of worked up there, Hawk.’

‘Fuck you.’ Jim snorted and fell down to rest on both hands, kissing him again and forcing his mouth open. Ross let him in, the kiss turning heated and messy as they tried to get in as far in as they could. Jim was rocking down against him, the friction on Ross’ cock doing nothing to help matters at all and an unexpectedly strong wave of arousal had him shoving Jim away as he panted hard and tried to control himself long enough to make sure something would happen. 

‘Get off me.’ he ordered and Jim laughed and fell over to the side, Keds, socks and jeans quickly sailing past Ross as he got undressed a lot faster than he was managing to. His uniform felt like it had seventy layers to it and he huffed in frustration and then stared as Jim’s boxers and t-shirt hit the deck. 

That brought Ross up short and he stood still, chest heaving as he heard Jim move on the bed behind him. He desperately wanted to turn around and look at him, but then something snapped inside him and suddenly Ross was filled with a terrible fear that none of this was real, that he’d turn around and see nobody there. 

He stood there, hands on his hips and head down as he fought the swell of panic and then he felt Jim behind him, one hand pulling at the back of Ross’ pants and hauling him to the bed, strong arms coming around him and holding him close. 

‘It’s okay, baby.’ Jim’s voice was a warm murmur in his ear. ‘I’m really here. You’re really here.’ His breath washed over Ross’ skin and he reached up to take hold of Jim’s arm, ducking his head to kiss his hand. 

‘I love you so goddamn much.’ he whispered and felt Jim’s mouth on his skin, soft kisses that littered the back of his neck and shoulders.

‘Not half as much as I do.’ Jim’s words were muffled. ‘I love you, Ross.’

That was what he needed to hear and Ross turned around in Jim’s arms, coming face to face with the man he would give up everything to be with. Jim was looking back at him, his eyes clear and calm and Ross reached up to stroke back his hair, softer than he remembered. Then his eyes dropped and the heat came back even as he ran his eyes over the compact form he remembered so well, stopping to catalogue the new things. Jim was tanned all over, his freckles seemingly multiplied and his new scars standing out against his skin. They were the same silvery white as the one on his thigh and Ross took a moment to reach out and touch them softly before sliding his hand to rest over Jim’s heart, feeling the steady thud under his palm. Jim watched him, a wry smile on his face.

’Still alive.’ He sighed softly. ‘And so are you.’

Ross felt his heart speed up as it responded to the sight of him, aching to have Jim’s hands on him. Instead he smiled and then ran a finger under the aluminium chain around Jim’s neck. 

‘You’re still wearing your tags.’ he remarked and Jim huffed softly. 

‘Old habits, Doc.’ He placed his own hands at the sides of Ross’ neck, thumbs stroking along Ross’ jaw. ‘Hey, look at me.’

Ross did and felt himself falling into deep sea blue. Jim watched him and this time the dimples flickered. Ross returned the smile and leaned in, this kiss far more lingering. Jim moaned and wrapped both arms around his neck and Ross got him around the waist, lowering him back down onto the bed and then pulling back to get undressed while Jim lay and watched him. 

He stood up, shucking his pants and underwear before he went to close the drapes, shading the room in half light. He left Jim on the bed, padding through for his bag and bringing it back with him, grinning as he caught sight of himself in the hallway mirror, naked and with a raging hard on and looking more than a little deranged. 

He chucked the bag on the floor and then unzipped it to dig around and locate one of the tubes of KY before he straightened back up and tossed it on the bed. Jim was now leaning on one elbow, snickering at the little show he was getting. 

‘I forgot how much I love looking at your bare ass.’ His eyes were shining. Ross snorted and shut the door, taking care to lock it. He went back to the bed and lay down next to Jim, fitting his body in against his and kissing him quiet. Jim’s skin was smooth and warm and Ross could feel wetness from where the head of his cock was pressed in against his thigh. He smiled against Jim’s mouth and reached down, wrapping his fingers around him and licking over Jim’s mouth when he gasped. 

Jim fell back against the pillows, his mouth open as he panted under Ross’ ministrations and his legs splaying. He looked utterly beautiful to Ross’ eyes like this, nothing but desire and love in his eyes and he kept his hand steady, twisting at the head and making Jim shake. 

‘I’ve been dreaming about this.’ He leaned in and licked over Jim’s pulse point. ‘I’ve been thinking about fucking you almost every damn night.’

‘Only the nights?’ Jim’s laugh was breathy and light. ‘I think I’ve been thinking about fucking you every goddam minute.’ 

‘Liar.’ Ross laughed and kissed the side of Jim’s neck. He was stupidly hard himself and thrust up against Jim’s hip, chasing the sensation of skin on skin. 

He felt Jim reaching out blindly for the lube and stopped him, making his way down the bed and planting a line of kisses over Jim’s chest, stopping to lick at his nipples briefly before he kept going. Jim started to whine steadily, one hand coming down to tug at his hair even as Ross got to his cock and licked along the shaft. Jim’s skin tasted salty and Ross’ senses were all firing at once as memories of the last time they’d done this came back to him. This time though, there would be no-one to interrupt them or limits on what they did to each other or for how long. The sheer luxury of having all the time they wanted was quite overwhelming and he had to bring himself up short to reassure himself that this was still real. 

‘Fuck, baby.’ Jim was looking down at him, his pupils huge in the dim light. ‘I missed that.’

‘Yeah?’ Ross locked eyes with him and did it again, dragging his tongue along Jim’s cock and drawing it out so he could see how Jim’s face went feral with lust. He smiled and then lapped softly at the head, tasting slick and feeling his own cock twitch in response. 

‘That’s it.’ Jim’s head tipped back, exposing the beautiful line of his throat. ‘God…yes…’

Ross took him in, Jim’s cock sliding into his mouth and taking him up with him. He kept his rhythm steady, enjoying every moment as Jim’s breathing got quieter and more strained. He sucked hard on the way up and Jim cried out once, then went rigid and came in his mouth. 

Ross swallowed hard, taking him through it and pulling off slowly. He got onto his knees and found the lube, opening it and coating his fingers before he went in, tracing over Jim’s entrance and smiling as Jim grabbed at the pillows behind him. 

‘I missed seeing you like this.’ he breathed, leaning in to give him a brief kiss. ‘You always look so damn beautiful after you come.’ 

‘Shut the fuck up, Doc.’ Jim was smiling at him. ‘Just get your cock in me.’

Ross laughed and eased one finger inside him, going straight to work and stretching him gently. Jim was going right back up to where he’d been again, his panting getting louder and faster as Ross switched to two fingers and started rubbing the tips over his prostate. Jim’s cries turned unhinged and he grabbed at Ross, dragging him back down to him and kissing him desperately. Ross went, biting at his mouth and driving his fingers into him. 

‘You feel so fucking good.’ He licked at Jim’s neck. ‘You’re so fucking tight.’

‘It’s been eight months.’ Jim managed to grit out. ‘Christ, I want you. Get in me now.’

Ross huffed and pulled his fingers out, rolling on top of Jim and pushing his legs apart so he could guide himself inside him. Jim looked down and they watched as Ross went in easy, bottoming out and making them both moan. 

‘Fuck, I forgot how good your cock feels.’ Jim was staring up at him, pupils blown and panting hard. 

Ross got back onto his knees, going deep and slow at first and feeling Jim bear down around him. They watched each other, reconnecting with each other as they lost themselves in each other’s eyes. It got past the point where they could even look away and now Jim was arching up into him. He reached for Ross’ arm, holding onto him tightly. Ross went back down to him, their mouths connecting and Jim’s other hand came up to grip at the back of Ross’ neck, his heels hooked at the back of his thighs. 

‘Fuck me, baby.’ It was a rough whisper. ‘Come inside me. Make me remember.’

‘Jim…’ Ross lost himself, driving in harder and feeling the way the sweat ran down his back. He rested his forehead against Jim’s and let go, his orgasm coming on swift and sure and making him shout even as he thrust all the way in, coming hard enough to make him arch back violently and lose all sense of everything around him. 

He fell back down into Jim’s arms and kissed him again and again, all his fears and worries evaporating as he breathed in Jim’s smell and felt him settle in his arms and knew that everything was going to be all right again. 

**********

Four hours later they were done, all tangled up and still sweaty from their last time. Jim had made good on his word and it had been Ross on his hands and knees an hour before, shouting as Jim hammered into him and made the last eight months disappear. Jim was now on his stomach, flat out and asleep, and Ross smiled as he looked at him. He knew it had been a long drive. 

The sound of the apartment door opening made Ross lift his head and listen. Footsteps came to the door and there was a soft knock before Benny’s deep rumble came through the door.

‘Hey, you guys alive in there?’ He sounded amused. 

‘Yeah.’ Ross replied, grinning at how rough his voice sounded. ‘Jim’s sleeping.’

‘I figured he’d be wiped out.’ Benny replied. ‘I got dinner for us all. Junie’s coming over when she’s done in a couple of hours.’

‘I’ll be out in a second.’ Ross sat up. ’I’ll grab a shower and come help you.’ 

‘Sure thing, Doc.’ Benny said and Ross heard him walking away. 

Ross got up, noting with amusement that Jim didn’t even so much as move when he got off the bed. He grabbed some clean clothes from the duffle and his towel and washkit, then unlocked the door and padded to the bathroom. One shower later, he was dressed in his downtime civvies, jeans and t-shirt just like Jim and he wandered to the kitchen to find Benny making pastrami sandwiches on thick cut rye bread, laying the mustard on thick. 

‘Is that dinner?” Ross asked and Benny grinned and handed him the sandwich he’d just made. 

‘I’m still learning how to cook and June doesn’t get off ‘til nine-thirty.’ he explained. ‘There’s pickles and beer in the icebox.’

‘How are things going with you two?’ Ross asked. He’d been privy to their developing romance through the letters he and Benny exchanged and knew that June was an ER nurse. 

‘Great.’ Benny smiled goofily and Ross could see how smitten he was. ‘She’s so damn smart.’ He glanced past Ross to the living room. ‘Jim gonna get up anytime soon?’

‘Probably not.’ Ross chuckled, feeling quite pleased with himself. He idly scratched at the fur on his stomach and Benny snorted with laughter. 

‘He missed you.’ He gave Ross a sidelong look. ‘We could hear it in his letters.’

‘I missed him.’ Ross sighed. ‘God, this all feels so strange.’

‘Yeah, well real life will get on your ass soon enough.’ Benny said through a mouthful of bread and meet. He nodded at the plate of sandwiches he’d made and Ross picked it up while he grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge and they went to go sit in the living room. 

Halfway through, a sleepy looking Jim appeared. He’d managed to put his jeans on but that was all, and he shuffled barefoot across the rug to Ross and climbed into his lap like a child, laying his head on Ross’ shoulder. Ross smiled and kissed him, still soft and warm from bed, inhaling Jim’s smell deeply and cuddling him close. Then he remembered that they were not alone and looked up to see Benny grinning broadly at both of them. 

‘You’re still wearing your tags.’ he remarked, taking another sandwich and consuming half of it in one massive bite. ‘Both of you.’

Jim huffed softly and sat up. He reached for the tags around his neck and took them off and put them over Ross’ head and then took Ross’ own tags and did the same to himself. Then he settled back down and Ross looked over his head at Benny. 

‘Guess that’s sorted then.’ he said and Benny laughed. 

‘I made dinner.’ he said to Jim and got another snort in reply. 

‘That ain’t dinner.’ he replied. ‘That’s a snack. I am going to need a hell of a lot more than that.’

‘We could go meet June at the hospital.’ Benny suggested. ‘There’s a bar there that does real good food just around the corner.’ 

‘Done.’ Ross squeezed Jim once and then gently tipped him off his lap. ‘Go get dressed and we’ll do a bit of sightseeing on the way.’

‘Okay.’ Jim walked off rubbing his eyes, and Ross felt his heart ache at how much he loved him. 

‘It’s good to see you both.’ Benny was watching him. 

‘How have last couple of months been?’ Ross asked and he shrugged. 

‘I’m working like a son of a bitch, but it’s getting there.’ he replied. ‘My grades are real good and I’m learning a lot. I should get into a residential programme next semester, so long as I don’t fuck up.’ 

‘Good.’ Ross nodded. ‘I heard you’re doing a lot of good work.’

‘I was also thinking that maybe I’d look for something down where you guys are.’ Benny added. ‘June’s real keen on moving to California and Dwight and Caroline are already in San Francisco.’

‘That’s true.’ Ross replied. They had moved a couple of months before and Dwight had been making noises about he and Ross maybe opening a practice together. He knew that they had also seen Jim a few times, although it had been infrequent due to their schedules. ‘I think that’s a damn good idea.’

‘Then we just gotta convince those assholes in Detroit.’ Benny laughed. 

‘You won’t.’ Jim said as he came back in, now fully dressed. He gave Ross a pointed look. ‘You don’t have your shoes on.’

‘I’m going.’ Ross laughed and got up, stopping to kiss him before he went to the room. He was doing up the laces on his sneakers when he heard the door buzzer going. He walked back to the room and just heard a woman’s voice over the intercom. Benny and Jim were both standing there looking a little terrified.

‘It’s Verity.’ Jim hissed and Ross inhaled sharply. ‘She said she’s coming up.’ 

‘Shit.’ Ross was at a loss. He gave Jim a frantic look and Jim shrugged and then they all started as there was a very firm knock at the door.

‘What did you tell her?’ The hiss was a little more annoyed and Ross made a helpless gesture. 

‘I told her I was driving down to California by myself.’ He winced as Jim glared at him. ‘Fuck, what do we do?’

‘Let her the hell in.’ Jim replied. ‘We can’t make her stand outside.’

‘She can have a sandwich?’ Benny seemed to be thinking out loud and then shut his mouth when he got two furious looks for the price of one. 

Ross heaved a sigh and went to open the door and saw Verity beaming at him. She had a casserole dish in her hands and a basket over her arm and she strode in like she owned the place. 

‘Surprise!’ she declared. ‘I thought this big oaf needed a hand feeding you, so I decided to ignore what you said and come over anyway. Drew’s still at sea for another two weeks and I’m bored as hell so I thought I’d keep you company and…’ She stopped at she laid eyes on Jim and then smiled brilliantly. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you had company.’

‘Verity, this is Jim.’ Ross was scrambling to recover. ‘And you really didn’t have to go to any trouble.’

‘I didn’t.’ Verity was now inspecting Jim like a customs official with a suspicious piece of luggage. ‘It’s just a hamburger casserole and some odds and ends to go with it.’ She handed to dish to Benny. ‘Benjamin, be a doll and stick this in the oven to keep warm, will you?’

‘Sure thing.’ Benny looked halfway between delighted and horrified. He adored Verity, her and Andrew having taken him under his wing since he’d moved to Boston. He disappeared into the kitchen as quickly as he could and Verity held out one gloved hand to Jim, her smile now incredibly smug. 

‘So you’re the fancy man that has my cousin in a spin.’ she said and Jim’s blue-green eyes widened almost comically as he gave Ross a look that spoke volumes.

‘I…’ He was clearly lost for words and so was Ross. 

‘Verity…’ He cast around frantically for what to say. ‘I can explain…’

‘You don’t need to.’ Verity was grinning. ‘You think I’m so dumb, I didn’t know?’ She turned back to Jim. ‘I know what being in love sounds like and Jim’s the only subject you ever seemed to write about after Liz dropped you.’ 

Jim raised both eyebrows at that and then took her hand and shook it. 

‘Guess we’ve been rumbled.’ he said and Verity laughed. 

‘Darling, I had to spend lunches in high school distracting his girlfriend so she wouldn’t notice how he stared at the ass of every football player that walked past our table.’ she snorted. ‘Ross isn’t very good at being subtle, even at the best of times. And between you and me, that bullshit story about moving to California to get a new job because he’s so torn up about Frank and Liz might have fooled his parents but it sure as hell didn’t fool me. And then I remembered that he’d told me that you live in California and it all started to make sense, especially when he blew me off coming over to see him when he got back from Lowell.’ She turned and gave both of them an arch smile. ‘So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to sit and have a lovely dinner and I am going to find out all about the man you’re practically eloping with, Ross. I bought a couple of bottles of scotch as well, so there’s no need to go out either.’

Ross could only stare at her in amazement. It had never occurred to him that Verity might have an inkling as to the inner struggle he’d fought his entire way through high school or that she might understand or accept him for who he really was. He was incredibly confused and completely touched by what she’d just said and his only response was to throw both arms around her and squeeze her until she protested, giggling when he ignored her instructions and lifted her off her feet instead.

‘Ross.’ She sounded utterly delighted. ‘You have to put me down. You’re wrinkling my dress.’

‘Fuck your dress.’ Ross said into her shoulder. ‘Thank you Vee.’

He pulled back and saw that her dark eyes, so much like his own, were shiny with tears. 

‘You’re my family, Ross.’ She gave him a small smile. ‘I don’t care who you are, you’re never going to lose me.’ She now looked sad and Ross knew that she was thinking the same thing that he had been thinking since he had looked across a table and seen a pair of blue-green eyes that had hypnotised him completely. They both knew that the rest of their family would never accept this, would never accept he and Jim and this was Verity’s way of making sure that when he left for California, Ross would not be lost to her forever. 

‘Do they know?’ He had to ask. ‘Do they suspect?’

‘No.’ Verity shook her head. ‘Not a thing. They think that you’re going because you really are upset about what happened between you and Liz, just like you told them. It’s not even occurred to them that you might have anyone else, even another woman.’ She shrugged. ‘You father keeps telling people you’re married to your job and that you’re going to take over some department in California.’

‘I don’t even have a job yet.’ Ross snorted. ‘Guess that’s eating at him.’ His mouth twisted. ‘I’d hate to think what this would do.’

‘They’ll never know, Ross.’ Verity promised. ‘Not from me.’ She looked at Jim. ‘So now what I want to know is who you are exactly.’

‘Guess that would be a good start.’ Jim replied, a wry smile on his face. 

********

Dinner was odd and at the same time it felt like the way things should be.

Ross sat and watched his cousin not so subtly interrogate the man he loved and was extremely thankful that Verity had never gone into military intelligence because no-one would have been safe. Jim, for his part, gave up completely and pretty much told her everything after the first half hour.

Well, maybe not everything.

It did help that Ross had gone to get the first bottle of Irish whiskey and that had aided and abetted the conversation. By the time June showed up from the hospital, they were all a little drunk and she’d promptly sat down and joined them, grinning at Ross’ discomfort until she’d told him that Benny couldn’t keep a secret where she was concerned and that, like Verity, she really didn’t give a fuck. It also transpired that she had two uncles living in the West Village, one of which was definitely not related to her. That had surprised Ross once again. He’d always had the weird idea that they were alone, but the encounter with Harry at the airport and then Jim’s subsequent friendship with him had made him a little more aware that they were only two of many. 

She and Benny eventually went to bed, promising breakfast in the morning before they left. Verity was talking about California and grilling Jim for information about where he lived and where he and Ross were going to live and what they would be doing for work and Jim was trying hard to keep up with the flow of questions. He looked a little overwhelmed and Ross knew it was time to step in. It was late anyway, almost one, and they had a long drive the next day. 

‘I think we need to call it a night.’ He gave Verity a pointed look and she grinned. 

‘I know that look.’ she said to Jim, giving him a conspiratorial smile. ‘Ross thinks I’ve been monopolising you all evening.’

Ross started to protest and then shut his mouth.

‘That’s because you have.’ he finally replied. ‘I only just got him back.’

That made Verity’s eyes go soft and she leaned over the table and took his hand. 

‘You know I am happy right?’ she asked. ‘I worried about you so much and now I feel much better knowing you have someone.’ She now looked at Jim. ‘And that he seems like a good man.’

‘You know I’m sitting right here?” Jim was grinning at her. 

Verity made a very indelicate noise and shushed him.

‘I’m serious.’ she insisted. ‘I’m glad you two have found each other. I was worried Ross would end up all alone.’

‘Thanks.’ Ross snorted. ‘I’m not that damn unsociable.’

‘Sometimes you are.’ Verity rebutted. ‘Look, promise me one thing.’

‘Anything, Vee.’ Ross smiled. 

‘I don’t want you to go to California and disappear.’ Verity said. ‘I want to be able to come and visit you. I might even bring Drew, if you’re okay with me telling him.’

‘I think we can manage that.’ Jim was the one who said it and it made Ross love him even more. ‘I can’t see him being an asshole if you love him.’

‘He’s not.’ Verity assured him. ‘It might shock him a little but he’s pragmatic to a fault and pretty damn tolerant. I think he’ll be okay and I’ll make sure he keeps his damn mouth shut.’

‘That’s all we ask.’ Jim replied. ‘You can appreciate that we really don’t want this getting’ around.’ His mouth twisted a little. ‘It ain’t exactly legal.’

‘I know.’ Verity was now completely serious. ‘You have my word.’

They wrapped things up soon after and walked her downstairs to the waiting cab Ross had called for her. Verity turned and looked at them both, her dark eyes filled with acceptance and love and Ross put his arms around her and held her tight.

‘I love you, Vee.’ He murmured the words into her ear and she squeezed him. 

‘I love you too, Ross.’ She moved back from him and smiled as she placed her hand on his cheek. ‘You’ll call me the second you get there and let me know you’re both safe and alive and settling in.’ 

‘We will.’ Ross promised and now she turned to Jim and held out both arms. Jim accepted the hug, giving Ross a look over her shoulder that told him he was touched by the gesture. 

She said goodbye and got in the cab and they waved goodbye as it drove off. 

‘Well, that went a lot better than I expected.’ Ross said and Jim huffed a laugh. 

‘Yeah.’ He stuck his hand in his pocket and took out his cigarettes. ‘It’s still pretty hot out.’

Ross smiled and went over to him, taking the offered cigarette and accepting the light from Jim’s battered zippo, remembering a long ago night when he’d done the same. They sat on the front step of the apartment block, smoking and looking up at the sky and it was a while before Jim spoke.

‘You ever think about that night?’ he asked and Ross knew immediately he’d been thinking the same thing.

‘I do.’ He smiled as he remembered hearing Jim laugh for the first time and how he’d made the connection between him and the man on the beach that had captured him without him even realising he’d been caught. ‘I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t taken that walk.’ He glanced at Jim. ‘You think we would have ever figured it out?’

‘Maybe.’ Jim smiled at him, then killed his cigarette. ‘You want to go get some sleep? It’s been kind of a big day.’ 

‘Yeah.’ Ross took the offered hand and let Jim pull him to his feet. 

They went back upstairs, turning all the lights off after they’d cleaned up and heading back to Ross’ bedroom. Once inside they got undressed and fell back into bed, both of them now wiped out by the day and the evening that had followed. 

Ross turned on his side to look at Jim, reaching out and tugging gently on the tags around his neck. 

‘Why?’ he asked and Jim just smiled at him. 

‘Better than a wedding ring.’ he replied. ‘It ain’t like either of us are gonna get one of those in a hurry.’

‘No.’ Ross leaned over and kissed him. ‘But I don’t care. I got you. That’s all I ever wanted.’ 

They settled down together, Ross fitting into the line of Jim’s back and pulling him close. Jim was warm and smelled like home to him now, that salty tang overlaid with ocean air. He nuzzled into the back of Jim’s neck and kissed the soft skin there and Jim sighed in his arms. Ross smiled against his skin and kissed him until he felt Jim fall asleep, still holding on as he finally let himself relax for the first time since they’d parted all those months before and drifting off to the sound of Jim breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from We've Only Just Begun by The Carpenters.


	23. My Cherie Amour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first part of the road trip and it's time to pay a visit to some old friends.

The sound of laughing woke Jim up, and he lay still and smiled as he heard a shriek followed by Benny’s deep voice. The words were indistinct but Jim could hear the tone of it. Benny was completely and utterly smitten and Jim knew that more than likely there’d be another wedding on the cards in the not too distant future. 

He turned over to look at Ross, his eyes still closed and one arm flung out over his head as he slept, chest rising and falling. Jim eased himself onto one elbow and ran a hand over Ross’ chest, finger combing through the thick dark hair and then grinning as he flicked Ross in the chin. 

‘Hey.’ He hissed it loud enough to get a disgruntled snort. ‘Guess what today is?’

‘What?’ Ross mumbled, still half asleep. 

‘It’s goin’ home day.’ Jims smiled and kissed his jaw. ‘Another week and we’re gonna be in Cali with just you and me and my dad.’

Ross laughed, deep and rumbling out from his chest. 

‘Yeah. Meet the father-in-law.’ He turned over to crack on eye open and look at Jim. ‘What time is it?’

Jim leaned over to grab his watch from the nightstand and looked at it. 

‘Just after eight.’ He put it down. ‘We should get moving.’

‘Not just yet.’ Ross’ arm was already snaking around his waist and pulling him in. ‘You don’t seem to realise that I only got discharged yesterday. I have a serious need for sleep and your ass.’ He nuzzled between Jim’s shoulder blade, biting softly at his shoulder. ‘And just because you got fucked last night does not mean you’re getting out of this bed until it happens again.’

‘Oh?’ Jim laughed. ‘You know there’s two people awake in the kitchen. How about we wait until we hit the road and I can get you into a motel?’

‘No.’ Ross was now more awake and his hands were staring to roam and Jim had to bite back a moan when Ross’ fingers traced down his sides and came around to grab his ass in both hands. 

‘Ross.’ It came out low, not quite a warning. 

‘What.’ Ross’ mouth was now tracing a wet path up the side of his neck. He licked behind Jim’s ear and it was a lost cause. Everything felt oversensitive, months of enforced absence making themselves known in how fast Jim got hard. He lifted a hand to brace itself against Ross’ chest. 

‘Quit it.’ He was smiling so hard his face ached. ‘You can’t.’

‘I goddamn can.’ Ross’ hand was slayed against his belly but now it was sliding down, long fingers wrapping around his cock and stroking lightly. ‘So best you get with the program West Coast because my ass needs your cock in it.’

‘Christ.’ Jim turned his head just enough and their mouths met, Ross’ tongue sliding over his teeth. It was messy and wet, no grace at all, and Jim couldn’t quite stifle his noises. 

‘Fuck.’ Ross’ hand sped up. ‘Get the fucking KY already.’ 

‘Nope.’ Jim shoved his hand away and threw the comforter off, getting Ross and flipping him over onto his stomach. ‘Better idea.’ He got onto his hands and knees over Ross, admiring the long lean form underneath him as he kissed the soft skin at the back of Ross’ neck. ‘God, I missed you baby.’

Ross smiled up at him, head turned so Jim could kiss him quickly before he started moving down the bed. He dropped gentle kisses down Ross’ spine, listening to his breathing pick up until he was panting into the pillow. Jim smiled against his skin and then opened him up and leaned in to taste him, his tongue dragging over soft skin, Ross’ smell and taste so familiar to him he could have picked him out in a dark room. 

Ross moaned and pushed back into his mouth and Jim held him still, one hand at the small of his back as he went to town, eating Ross out at a leisurely pace until his face was wet and Ross was loose around his tongue. 

‘Fuck.’ Ross was muffled by the pillow and Jim eased one finger in, feeling him take it easily. 

‘So honestly, how much did you jerk off while I was gone?’ He bit down on Ross’ backside, holding on long enough to leave tooth marks.

‘Christ, so much.’ Ross lifted his head just enough to be heard. ‘After every goddamn phone call.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim couldn’t stop himself from grinding down into the bed, his own cock now aching. ‘You touch yourself in the shower?’

‘Yeah.’ Ross panted. ‘And in bed. One good thing about being senior rating.’ He threw his head back when Jim rubbed over his prostate. ‘Fuck, again.’

‘Easy, baby.’ Jim licked slowly around his finger, feeling Ross tense up. ‘You’re gonna break the sound barrier if you yell any louder.’

‘Fuck you, asshole.’ Ross made a strangled noise into the pillow. ‘Jim, stop dicking around and fuck me.’

‘In a second.’ Jim eased in another finger and started rubbing hard, feeling Ross clench around him as he hit him in just the right place. ‘I want you to come first.’ 

‘Not gonna take long.’ Ross bit back and then went rigid, back arching beautifully as he came around Jim’s fingers. ‘Fuck…’

‘That’s it.’ Jim wrung every last spasm out of him and then eased his fingers out and moved to fall back down onto the bed next to him. ‘Come here.’ 

Ross smiled at him, hazel eyes blurry as he scrabbled for the lube and handed it to him, then managed to somehow get up, cock still hard and leaking against his stomach. He watched Jim slick himself up and then moved into place, reaching for him and guiding him inside. Jim took hold of his hips, easing him down and hissing as he felt Ross open up around his cock, taking him in. He was tight and hot, his head tipping back to expose the line of his throat and his stubble dark against pale skin as he sank down until Jim was fully seated. 

‘You’re so fucking beautiful.’ He breathed and Ross smiled and looked back down at him, bracing himself on Jim’s chest with both hands. 

‘You know I’m never letting you go now.’ His dark eyes were burning. ‘I got you and I’m keeping you.’ His hips were moving of their own accord, deep undulations that sent shockwaves of pleasure through Jim’s body. He moved with him, feet planted into the bed as he thrust up and Ross came down to meet him, his kisses now frantic. Jim grabbed a handful of thick hair and held on, not wanting to let him go until it got too intense and they broke apart. Ross’ back arched as he started to ride him hard, and now he was getting loud, not caring anymore. Jim went with him, his own sounds competing until it got too much and he came hard enough to knock himself out. Ross got a hand on himself, and it took only a few strokes until he followed, come striping Jim’s stomach. 

Jim fell back, battling for breath as he started laughing. 

‘Fuck…’ He was all dimples now. ‘I fucking missed you so bad.’

‘I know.’ Ross came back down again, licking gently at his mouth. ‘I missed you too. So fucking much.’ His smile was brilliant. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too.’ Jim caught his face between his hands and kissed him until they fell over onto the bed. 

***********

Benny and June were making breakfast when they finally made it out of the bedroom. The matching pair of knowing looks they got made Ross blush and Jim smiled. Even after all this time, he was still bashful about getting caught, even if he had professed otherwise in their bedroom. 

‘We thought you might have postponed the start of your trip.’ June grinned as she scrambled eggs. ‘Seeing as how you sounded like you were never coming out of there. Next to her, Benny snorted and Jim grinned to see the conspiratorial look he was giving her, all layered over with complete adoration. 

‘You weren’t exactly quiet this morning.’ he retorted. ‘I’m almost scared to touch the counters.’ He’d been reaching but he knew he’d hit the jackpot by the way Benny’s ears flamed red. 

‘Shut up.’ he grumbled and Jim laughed and slapped him on the shoulder. 

‘Don’t try and out bitch a queen, big boy.’ he said. ‘You’ll lose every time.’

‘Christ.’ Ross was groaning. ‘How much whiskey did we drink last night?’

‘You are so fucking weird.’ Benny said. ‘Now your hangover kicks in?’

‘Yeah.’ Jim stole a piece of bacon from under Benny’s nose. ‘I thought I fucked that out of you.’ He grinned at the look of horror on Ross and Benny’s faces and then June snorted with laughter and it was so completely undignified that Jim started laughing too and they ended up almost collapsed against the counter. 

‘I like you.’ June snickered and bumped his shoulder with hers. ‘I have got to introduce you to my uncles.’

‘I’d like to meet them.’ Jim replied, still smiling. ‘Benny, you better marry this one fast.’

That got another surge of red and a bashful grin. 

They sat down to eat and Ross and Benny got talking about Benny’s current rotation and Jim got lost in thinking about the coming drive ahead of them, mentally plotting out their route. June was watching him and then she put a hand on his arm and startled him a little. 

‘Benny said you want us to come down for Christmas.’ she said. ‘I’d like that.’

‘Yeah.’ Jim returned her smile. ‘It’s gonna be a bit of a full house. And you’ll get to meet the rest of the crew.’

‘I’ve heard so much about them.’ June said. ‘He really loves you guys.’

‘The feeling’s mutual.’ Jim looked at the two men on the other side of the table. ‘And it’s good to know he’s in safe hands here.’

‘I try.’ June smiled. ‘I’m not real sure about what his mom thinks of me. I’m not Jewish and I think she finds that a bit scandalous.’

‘Better than being a man.’ Jim couldn’t help grinning. ‘I think Ross’ folks would probably drop dead from shock.’

‘But your dad knows, right?’ June asked and he nodded. 

‘He’s bought us a double bed.’ he found himself saying and that was when Ross stopped speaking and gaped at him. 

‘Rob did what?’ He had his startled deer look on his face. The only thing funnier was that Benny had the same look on his too.

‘Damn.’ he said. ‘He’s really not freaked out?’

‘He’s freaked out, he’s just trying to make us feel comfortable.’ Jim replied, feeling inordinately proud of the fact. ‘He wants us to be happy.’ He locked eyes with Ross. ‘Does it make you uncomfortable?’

‘I don’t know.’ Ross frowned. ‘I guess I just figured I’d be crashing in the guest room.’

‘We don’t have a guest room.’ Jim countered. ‘It’s my room or his room and I don’t think you want to sleep with my dad. That’s taking Oedipus a bit too far.’

‘Shit.’ Ross said and then suddenly smiled. ‘It’s really happening.’ He sounded like he was still processing the thought and that was when June gave Benny a look. 

‘Walk me out, baby.’ she said. ‘I got to get back to the hospital.’

Jim and Ross both stood and said goodbye to her and Jim was sorry to have not have had more time to get to know her a little better. He had a good feeling about June and seeing the lovestruck way Benny kissed her goodbye and then came back to the kitchen with stars in his eyes just confirmed his impression. 

‘I’m gonna go get showered.’ he said as he hung in the doorway. ‘You two can have a moment.’ He grinned and left them alone and Ross leaned against the counter and looked at Jim. 

‘I have to admit I’m kind of surprised.’ he said and Jim nodded as he moved in to corral him between his arms. 

‘He’s happy that I’m happy.’ He lifted a hand and cupped Ross’ face. ‘He knows I love you and that’s all that’s important to him. The bed thing is his way of showing you that you’re now part of our family.’ 

The look on Ross’ face was not something he’d been anticipating and it almost broke Jim’s heart to see how grateful and completely touched Ross looked. He knew that Ross’ family had no idea about him because they would never have supported him, but it also made him wonder how something so simple could make Ross feel so much. 

‘Are you okay, doc?’ he asked and Ross nodded and looked away, his hazel eyes suspiciously bright. 

‘I think I’m really going to like being part of your family.’ he murmured, his voice rough with emotion and Jim leaned up and kissed him, just a soft reassuring touch. 

‘I wish I could marry you properly.’ he whispered. ‘Drag you to Vegas and get drunk and honeymoon in one of those cheap motels off the strip.’

‘Classy.’ Ross was smiling again. ‘Sounds like fun.’

‘It would be.’ Jim kissed him again. ‘Now get your ass in gear, doc. We’ve got shit to get in the van and a long road to drive.’

***********

They packed up the things Ross was taking and got them all in the van. Jim was amused watching Ross carry heavy boxes, his biceps bulging under the sleeves of hi t-shirt. It was novel seeing him like this, completely dressed down and ruffled, his hair a mess and his smile free and easy and a world away from the buttoned up man he had been the day before. He had the distinct impression that Ross was going to take to California like a duck to water. 

‘That’s the last one.’ Benny handed him a box and Jim stashed it in the back and then followed him to the sidewalk where the three of them shifted around and tried to say goodbye. Benny was the first one to crack and threw his massive arms around both of them. 

‘I’m gonna miss you, man.’ he said after he let them go. ‘You should have stayed for longer.’

‘Christmas ain’t that far off.’ Jim replied. ‘Bring that girlfriend of yours. She’s a keeper.’

‘Yeah she is.’ Benny had his goofy smile back. ‘I think I’m gonna marry this one. Just gotta convince my mom.’

‘Christ.’ Ross laughed and put his hand on Benny’s shoulder. ‘You’ll call if you need anything?’

‘Yeah.’ Benny held out ahand and there was another hug, this one with lots of back slapping. ‘You two drive safe.’

‘We’ll call you when we get to our first stop, Mama Bear.’ Jim laughed and then got his ribs crushed again. ‘I’m happy you’re doing so well, Benjamin.’ 

‘I wouldn’t have made it without you two.’ Benny’s voice was soft. ‘I hate that you guys are gonna be on the other side of the country.’

‘So move.’ Jim let him go. ‘California’s a nice place, even for a good Yiddish boy like you. We’re not all queers and hippies.’ He went to the driver’s door and got in. Ross already had his window down and was leaning out of it like a big dog. Jim started the van and they waved goodbye to Benny as he pulled away from the curb and watched as Benny stayed on the sidewalk until they turned the corner and then it was just the two of them. 

‘So.’ Ross leaned over and turned the radio on. ‘How long until we get there.’

‘No.’ Jim was stern. ‘If you pull that shit with me, I’m gonna brain you.’

‘Big talk from a shortstack.’ Ross snickered. ‘We’re stopping in Detroit though.’

‘You really think we have an option?’ Jim laughed. ‘Besides, Dem would skin us both alive if we didn’t stop in and tell her how beautiful her baby is.’

‘Man, I can’t wait.’ Ross leaned back into his seat. ‘I bet she’s cute as a button.’

‘With those two as her parents, she’s gonna be gorgeous.’ Jim said. ‘But first stop is gonna be in Buffalo and then we’ll get there tomorrow.’

‘So motel tonight.’ Ross was grinning. ‘Can we get one with a vibrating bed like you promised?’ 

‘Baby, you can anything you want.’ Jim smiled. 

************

Four hours later, Jim had changed his mind and was contemplating leaving Ross on the side of the road. He had changed the radio station about fifty times, had been bored, hungry and grouchy because he was cooped up and Jim had finally snapped. They were now at a service station off the I90, eating burgers and fries and sniping at each other. 

‘I think it would be faster if we went that way.’ Ross was poring over the roadmap Jim had brought with him. 

‘Well I think you’ve got your head up your ass.’ Jim replied, stealing some of Ross’ fries because his were finished. 

‘Blow me.’ Ross snorted and then glared at him. ‘And quit eating my fries.’

They finished lunch and the bickering continued into the restroom, much to the amusement of another man using the facilities. Outside they leaned against the side wall of the diner and smoked their post meal cigarettes, watching the vehicles on the freeway go by. Jim was pretty relaxed, Ross’ griping aside and he turned his face into the sun. 

The sound was unexpected and it immediately made him tense up, going to from half asleep to completely alert in a second. His heart was now racing and he looked to the forecourt where the car that had backfired was parked and then felt a hand on his arm. He looked back and saw Ross watching him, his hazel eyes intent. 

‘You okay?’ he asked and Jim nodded, backing down and taking a deep breath. That was when he saw another man a few feet from them, standing perfectly still and also looking at the car. He turned around and saw Jim and their eyes met and then man gave him a wry smile. 

‘67th Airborne.’ he said and Jim found himself returning the smile.

‘Medevac.’ he replied. ‘The 54th.’

‘It’s a real pisser.’ The man looked back at the car and then sauntered over. ‘You been in country long?’

‘Back for six months.’ Jim said and took out his cigarettes, offering the man one and lighting it for him. 

‘How ‘bout you?’ The man looked at Ross.

‘Med Corps. Just got out yesterday.’ Ross did the same and they stood and smoked a few moments in mutual silence. It felt oddly comfortable, the three of them standing there smoking like they might have been hanging out around the hooch. 

‘People here don’t get it.’ the man said eventually. ‘They don’t know what it’s like.’ He now looked haunted and Jim felt a tug in his chest. ‘It’s too damn loud.’ He killed his cigarette under his heel. ‘You fellas headed out?’

‘Cali.’ Jim said and the man nodded. 

‘Nice place.’ He gave them that strained smile again. ‘See you around.’

Ross moved in closer to Jim and they watched him walk over to a car that had a woman in the passenger side and two young kids in the back. He got in and the car drove off and Ross sighed. 

‘I can’t imagine what that must feel like.’ he frowned. ‘Thinking it’s too loud.’

‘He was out in the boonies.’ Jim exhaled, watching the smoke drift. ‘The jungle ain’t no place for noise.’

‘You jumped.’ Ross said and now his voice was uncertain. ‘And you looked about a thousand miles away.’

‘Yeah.’ Jim said and smiled at him. ‘Just like you look up every time there’s noise that sounds like a bird.’ He shrugged. ‘It’s going to take a while to get back to normal, whatever the fuck that might be.’

‘Yeah, but what is normal for us?’ Ross was perfectly serious. 

‘What would you like it to be?’ Jim asked, equally serious now. 

‘I want us.’ Ross answered. ‘I want a house and a practice and maybe a dog. I know kids are out of the question and so is getting married, but I want as much as I can have.’ 

Jim felt his heart ache. He’d never wanted to kiss Ross so badly, to just pull him in and promise him the world but they were right in sight of all the people at the service station and it wasn’t the place or time. 

‘I know, Doc.’ He moved in just a little closer, but not so close that it looked suspicious. ‘I want it too.’

Ross gave him a sidelong smile. They drifted back to the van and when they got in he reached over and took Jim’s hand for just a second, squeezing it and then dropping it just as quickly. 

‘So how long to Buffalo?’ he asked and Jim started the van. 

‘Three hours give or take.’ he replied. ‘We can go out and see the town tonight if you want?’

‘No.’ Ross shook his head. ‘I want to be in a bed with you.’ His dark eyes were now glimmering with something else entirely. ‘I have plans.’

‘Jesus.’ Jim couldn’t surpress the heat that surged in his chest. ‘You ain’t done?’

‘Not by a long shot.’ Ross replied and leaned against the window, tapping his nails along the glass. ‘I have six months to catch up on.’ His smile was lazy and Jim couldn’t help returning it. 

The sun was going down by the time they hit the outskirts of Buffalo. Ross was restless next to him and Jim smiled. He hadn’t expected him to be this jittery, but when they pulled into the lot of a suitable looking motel, Ross seemed almost panicky. 

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked and Ross shrugged. 

‘How do we do this?’ he asked and Jim realised what was bothering him. 

‘It’ll be cool.’ He opened his door. ‘Come on.’ 

They walked to the office and Jim stepped in ahead. The kid behind the counter looked bored as hell, a soap playing in the background behind him. He turned jaded eyes on them and Jim went right in. 

‘Hey.’ He laid the California on thick, knowing that he sounded disarming. ‘You got a twin for tonight?’

‘Hang on.’ The kid turned and regarded the key board behind him. ‘Nope. We got a bunch of Shriners in. Only got a double left.’ 

‘Shit.’ Jim made himself sound put out. ‘You got nothin’? I don’t wanna keep on driving, man.’ He nodded at Ross. ‘Me and my buddy been on the road all day.’ 

‘Just the double.’ The kid shrugged. ‘I can give you a buck or two off seeing as you have to share, but that’s all I got.’

‘Fine.’ Jim heaved a sigh. ‘Guess we’ll have to take it.’ He handed over the money for the room and took the key. ‘Hey, you know a place we can get dinner around here?’

‘There’s a decent joint down the street, two blocks over.’ The kid was already back to watching the TV. 

‘Thanks.’ Jim grinned at Ross as they left the office. He waited until they were out of earshot and brandished the key at him. ‘And that’s how you do it.’

Ross was giving him an admiring look. 

‘I’m afraid to ask where you got the practice.’ He sounded just the tiniest bit jealous and Jim shoved him in the arm.

‘Don’t matter.’ he said. ‘I’m with you now.’

They got their bags from the van and went in and Jim had barely put his down at the foot of the bed before he found himself being enveloped in those strong arms that made him weak with want, Christ he loved Ross’ arms with an obsessive passion that frightened him, and he leaned back into the embrace. Ross nosed at the back of his neck, breathing in deeply. 

‘We have time before dinner?’ he asked softly and Jim turned in his arms to kiss him. 

‘Yeah.’ He lifted a hand, thumb running along the generous curve of Ross’ lower lip. ‘I reckon’ we do.’

*********

They walked the two blocks over to a small bar that had incredible wings and sat and drank beer and laughed at how the bed only vibrated because they made it. 

‘So, we’re going to need a plan.’ Apparently sex on the motel bed followed by sex in the shower afterwards and enough hot wings to sink a river boat had made Ross extremely proactive. Jim, on the other hand, was just the right side of drunk and full and lazily smoking his second cigarette when that little announcement was made. 

‘What kind of plan?’ He stuck his cigarette in the corner of his mouth and frowned at Ross. 

‘A life plan.’ Ross was smiling and Jim found himself studying him. His face was relaxed, his dark eyes bright and Jim could see how excited he was and that eased the tension in his own shoulders. 

‘Okay.’ He sipped his beer. ‘Where do we start?’ 

‘I don’t know.’ Ross’ foot came to rest against his under the table, the closest they could get to holding hands in public. ‘How about the house?’

‘Okay.’ Jim shifted so he could lock Ross’ foot between both of his, a squeak as the rubber from his Keds as they settled in either side. ‘So we can look anywhere from Eureka up, but I kind of have a feeling you’re going to fall in love with Trinidad when I show you.’ He shrugged. ‘But anywhere is fine.’

‘You can show me.’ Ross was still smiling at him and Jim knew they probably looked like a couple of dreamy idiots and thanked his lucky stars that the bar wad dimly lit. ‘I’ve got enough money to buy the house outright.’

‘No.’ Jim shook his head. ‘You’re not buying the house yourself.’

‘Are you seriously going to try and get caveman on me here?’ Ross arched an eyebrow at him. ‘I’m buying you a damn house, Jim. That is non-negotiable.’

‘Fine.’ Jim shook his head, laughing at him. ‘Then I’ll buy the dog.’

‘Deal.’ Ross picked at the label on his bottle. ‘I figured we could get something with three bedrooms. You know, if someone comes to stay and also one for Rob if he wants to live with us when he retires.’ He was giving Jim a shy look and Jim felt his heart contract almost painfully with the rush of love he felt. 

‘You’d want that?’ he asked. ‘I mean, it’s not like he doesn’t have his own place.’

‘I know you think about that.’ Ross replied and Jim realised with a shock that Ross knew him pretty much inside out. ‘I know you worry about what will happen to him after we leave.’

He was at a loss for words so he just looked at Ross, hoping he could tell how much that meant to him. 

‘Thank you.’ He said and Ross’ mouth twitched in a not quite smile. 

‘Like you said.’ He seemed almost abashed. ‘He’s going to be my family too.’

They went back to the motel at around eleven and got into bed. The room was hot, almost stifling, and for a moment Jim thought of Bangkok and those searing nights of R & R. Now though, there was not need to take advantage of every desperate minute because they had forever lined up in front of them and he was the happiest he’d ever been. 

He wriggled in close and Ross pulled him so he was draped across his chest, their sweat slick skin sliding in a way that would have had Jim right on the edge if he hadn’t been knocked sideways by a wave of exhaustion after driving for seven hours. 

‘Hi.’ He propped himself up on one elbow and gave Ross a dimpled smile. 

‘Don’t even ask.’ Ross groaned. ‘I just want to sleep.’

‘Thank fuck for that.’ Jim leaned down and kissed him. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you.’ Ross was already yawning, so Jim settled down into the crook of his arm and closed his eyes. 

‘Another seven days and we get to do this in our own bed.’ he murmured and knew Ross was smiling. 

‘Sleep.’ he whispered back and Jim did.

*********

They ate breakfast in a diner one block in the other direction the next morning and then Jim called Flint on the payphone on the way back. The phone rang three times before it was answered.

‘Yo.’ Flint said loud enough to be heard on the other side and Jim laughed. Ross leaned in the door of the booth and watched how his face changed, the happy smile he wore. 

‘We’re getting on the road in the next hour.’ Jim was tapping against the receiver and Ross wanted to grab his hand to still him, kiss his fingers and maybe bite them a little. He was stupidly enamoured, drinking in every detail as he studied Jim from top to toe, still not used to this version of him. His fingers itched to drag themselves through Jim’s shaggy hair and insinuate themselves under the t-shirt he was wearing, tug on the chain of his tags he wore and pull him in. Instead he stood and played with his own puka shell beads, the ones Jim had given him for his birthday and which he’d put on that morning, still feeling strange in his own civilian clothing. 

Jim hung up and stepped out the booth and they fell into step together.

‘They’re all going to be there tonight.’ he warned Ross. ‘You might want to brace yourself. Flint’s family is loud.’

‘I can’t wait.’ Ross grinned and shoved his hands in his pockets. ‘LJ too?’

‘All of them.’ Jim smiled. ‘They don’t have a whole lot of room so Flint said we can park in his drive and we’ll just sleep in the van.’ 

‘Fine.’ Ross moved automatically to walk next to the road and saw Jim raise his eyebrows at him, smile making his dimples come out, but he said nothing. 

He took the driver’s seat once they had put their bags back in the van, grumbling as he adjusted it to fit his longer legs. Jim got in the other side, kicking off his sneakers and putting his bare feet up on the dash, lighting cigarettes for both of them as Ross got the van in gear and pulled out of the lot. It was a few hours to Detroit, but nowhere near as far as what they had done the day before.  
Jim put the radio on and the song that came over made them both grin at each other. 

‘Guess that makes it official.’ Jim had his window open, the breeze coming in making his hair flyaway. 

‘Looks like.’ Ross agreed and they sang along with the words under their breath. 

‘It’s not winter though.’ Jim said and Ross snorted a laugh. 

‘Yeah.’ He gave Jim a sidelong look. ‘You’re still my California Dreamin’ though.’

‘You asshole.’ Jim laughed, but he was also tinged pink and looking pleased as anything when Ross said that. 

They got to Detroit and Ross started to navigate the city roads until they could get to the neighbourhood that LJ and Flint’s families both lived in. The houses were clapboard and single storied for the most part, and Ross peered through the windscreen as Jim counted the houses off, before pointing at one painted in white with bright yellow trim. 

‘Think that’s it.’ He said and Ross pulled in. They realised they had the right place when there was a thump on Jim’s window and Flint’s grinning face appeared. 

‘Damn, boy.’ He started laughing as Jim got the door open and pretty much fell out the van into his waiting arms. ‘It’s good to see your lily white ass.’

Ross watched them hugging, slapping each other on the back and Jim wheezing when Flint hauled him off his feet and squeezed the air out of him. His black eyes were shining when he finally set Jim down and leaned in the van.

‘Hey, Doc.’ His face was wreathed in smiles. ‘I know a certain lady that’s very impatient to see you so you better get your ass inside before she comes out here and screams the damn neighbourhood down.’

Ross laughed and got out and came around the side of the van, getting his own bone crushing embrace from Flint. 

‘It’s so good to see you, man.’ Flint said, giving him a gentle slap on the cheek. ‘Glad you made it out.’

‘It was pretty smooth sailing.’ Ross flung an arm around his shoulders as they walked to the house, Jim already ahead of them and going through the gate that led into the back yard. He followed and then stopped dead, his heart speeding up as he took in the sight in front of him. 

Demelza had always been lovely but now she was incandescent, her copper curls loose and her smile lighting up her whole face as she came down the back steps. Ross returned it and then looked at the bundle in her arms and felt himself melt at the sight of skin that was a halfway point between her and Flint and a mop of burnished red curls that were several shades darker than her mother’s. 

‘You’re here.’ Demelza held out one arm to hug Jim and kiss him on the cheek. ‘Took your dumb asses long enough.’ She let him go and came over to Ross. Her blue eyes were shiny with tears and she just looked at him and then looked down at the baby in her arms. ‘Hey, look what I made.’ 

Ross was not ashamed to say he was utterly smitten. Cherie blinked at him, her soft brown eyes fixed on his face, and Demelza handed her across. 

‘Say hi to your godfather, baby.’ she crooned and Ross stared at her in disbelief. 

‘Me?’ he asked, taking Cherie and cradling her. She had a scattering of dark freckles over her tiny face and he couldn’t resist kissing them, her skin impossibly soft. ‘Hey, little girl.’

‘Both of you.’ Demelza had a hand held out for Flint and he went to take it. 

‘Seriously?’ Jim was smiling so hard his dimples were caving in his face. He went to Ross, holding out his arms. ‘Hey, quit hogging the cutie, Doc.’ 

‘No.’ Ross moved Cherie out of his reach. ‘She loves me best.’ He looked back at her, and Cherie gave him a gummy smile. ‘See, she knows who her best godfather is.’ 

‘Dammit, Ross.’ Jim laughed. ‘Give her to me before I kick your ass.’

‘Not a chance, hotshot.’ Ross snorted, walking up the steps as Demelza and Flint watched with ill-concealed glee. 

Their house was small and immaculate, the paintwork light and the furniture homey. Flint was back at his job in the automative plant and Demelza was only planning to stay at home until Cherie was old enough to be looked after by Ethel, Flint’s mother who was currently on a church trip to Chicago. 

‘You could take her room, if you wanted?’ Demelza offered as they sat in the back yard and drank iced tea. 

‘Nah, we’re good.’ Jim smiled and bounced Cherie on his knee, having finally wrestled her away from Ross. He was standing with Flint at the grill he had set up on the yard, drinking a beer and enjoying just how normal everything was. 

‘You sure?’ Flint ask, brandishing a pair of tongs at the house. ‘It’s no worry.’

‘The bed in the van is bigger.’ Jim replied. ‘And Ross snores like a goddamn freight train.’ He grinned as Ross glared at him. ‘What? You do.’

Ross considered what would be a fitting punishment and then was interrupted by the sound of small boys running up the drive and hurling themselves at the back gate. 

‘Hey.’ Flint went to open the gate and they poured in, looking at Jim and Ross with blatant curiosity. ‘Where’s your momma and poppa at?’

‘Getting’ out the car.’ the oldest one said. He went straight up to Jim and held out a hand and Jim grinned in response. ‘You’re Jim?’

‘Yeah.’ he replied and took the hand, balancing Cherie in his other arm. ‘How’d you know that?’

‘Poppa showed us pictures of you.’ The boy said. 

‘I know.’ Jim nodded. He looked at the other boy. ‘Your dad also showed me pictures of you.’ 

‘You fly helicopters, right?’ they asked, shy smiles on their faces. 

‘I do.’ Jim told him, handing Cherie back to Demelza. ‘Speaking of your Daddy, I’m going to go see him. You can say hi to Ross.’ He nodded at Ross. ‘He’s one of the doctor’s that saved your dad and me.’ 

‘Cool.’ Their eyes got big as they turned to look at him and Ross felt himself plummeting down the rabbit hole again. 

‘Hi.’ He knelt down and they came over to shake his hand and he felt himself wishing that one day he could have this. He noticed Jim walking over to the gate and leaving the yard and left him to it. A few moments later a woman appeared and he knew immediately she was Angie. He got to his feet as she came in and greeted Demelza and Flint and then she saw him and her face changed. For a moment, he was confused but then Angie strode right over to him and threw both arms around him and kissed him soundly on the cheek.

‘Thank you.’ The words were whispered fiercely into his ear. 

Ross felt himself emotionally overwhelmed for the second time that day and he returned the embrace until Angie pulled back, swiping away a few tears and smiled brilliantly at him. 

‘He’s coming up the drive.’ she said. ‘I gave him and Jim a bit pf privacy but maybe you can go break it up and when you come back we can have a long talk.’ 

Ross nodded and went to the gate. He walked around the van and stopped when he saw Jim and LJ still standing there, arms around each other. Ross stopped and he could just hear them talking, too low for him to make it out but then LJ let Jim go and took his face in his hands. He smiled and said something else and Jim nodded. Ross felt like he was intruding a little, but as he coughed softly and approached, watching how they stepped back and looked at him. 

‘Doc.’ LJ smiled and Ross moved to take the offered hand. He didn’t miss the fact that the other one gripped a cane or that LJ was still favouring his good leg. ‘It’s real good to see you.’

‘You too.’ he slapped his hand into LJ’s and moved to hug him in turn. ‘You look good.’ It was the truth. LJ looked like a man who’d found peace. His face was relaxed, his dark eyes perfectly clear. 

‘I’m feeling pretty good.’ he said. ‘Got me a shiny new leg and everything.’ He glanced at Jim and Ross saw enough to know that the exchange had been an emotional one. ‘Glad you and the short stack could make it.’

‘Yeah.’ Ross wanted to take Jim’s hand and squeeze it, reassure him, but even here he couldn’t. ‘We’re glad to be here. I met your family and I can see why you were so keen to come back.’

‘They’ve been good to me.’ LJ smiled. ‘I’m a lucky man.’ He started walking down the drive, moving a little stiltedly but not uncomfortably. ‘Best I get in there.’ He gave Ross a knowing smile. ‘Bring that sappy asshole behind you.’

Ross chuckled and turned back to Jim. 

‘You okay?’ he asked as LJ disappeared around the van. 

‘Yeah.’ Jim’s blue-green eyes were misty. ‘It’s just kinda a lot, you know?’ He took a deep breath. ‘I missed them.’

‘I know.’ Ross stepped back in next to him. ‘But they’re okay. You brought them back.’ He moved to stand in front of him, resisting the urge to take Jim’s face in his hands and kiss his fear away.

‘They’re alive because you flew your ass off that day and didn’t let them die.’ 

Jim looked up at him and chewed his lip for a second before he nodded. 

‘Okay.’ he said. ‘I’m good. Let’s go in.’ 

**********

The barbeque grew progressively larger as people filed in and out the back yard. Jim met relative after relative, and was now sitting on the back porch with LJ, both of them nursing their beers and smoking as they watched the others talking. Ross and Flint were in the middle of a knot of men and Jim smiled as he heard that deep braying laugh of his. 

‘You look happy James.’ LJ’s voice made him turn to look at him. ‘It’s good to see.’

‘Yeah well, I wasn’t exactly looking my best the last time you did see me.’ He replied and took a pull of his beer. 

‘Neither was I.’ LJ glanced down at his leg. Ross had already gone into doctor mode and inspected the prosthetic before the crowd had arrived and Jim had pleased to see his look of approval at how well LJ had healed. It was the same look he’d gotten after that first frantic round of homecoming sex when Ross had finally badgered him into sitting up so he could inspect his bullet scars. 

‘How are things?’ Jim lowered his voice so it wouldn’t carry. ‘Really?’

‘Strange.’ LJ frowned. ‘I can still feel the damn thing sometimes. It itches like a motherfucker and I can’t even scratch it.’ He shrugged. ‘It took about a month for Angie to stop fussin’ over me like a goddamn mother hen. I can’t run after the boys so well anymore either and it frustrates the hell out of me. But then every mornin’ I get my ass up and look in the mirror and thank God I’m still alive to bitch about it.’

‘Amen to that.’ Jim looked at Ross. ‘I know that feeling. I’d never tell him but sometimes it was hard to just not feel everything wasn’t goin’ to work, that I’d get a call telling me he wasn’t coming.’ He swallowed hard, pushing down the wave of emotion inside him. It had caught up sometimes, that panic that Ross would change his mind and they would be done.

‘That was never gonna happen.’ LJ’s voice was reassuring. ‘Boy looks at you like you’re his whole damn world.’

‘He’s mine too.’ Jim said. ‘I haven’t had it this bad since I got back, but now he’s here I never want to let him go.’

‘So don’t.’ LJ told him. ‘Hang on. We do that every day, it get’s easier.’ He leaned back in his chair. ‘Now tell me about this new job you got.’

Jim relaxed and smiled and started talking, telling LJ about the station and his crew and his bird and it felt a little like old times. LJ laughed and they watched as the evening wound down, Flint or Ross coming to resupply then with beer but otherwise letting them be as the visitors drifted out and home until it was just them left. By the time the moon was up they were both drunk enough to be completely laid out in their respective chairs. 

‘She’s nice.’ Jim said, waving a cigarette at where Angie was laughing with Demelza at the table out back, the air still warm enough to be almost sultry. ‘God knows how you hooked that one.’

‘Excuse me.’ LJ shook a finger at him. ‘I’ll have you know it took a damn long time to win that woman over.’ He grinned. ‘Worth it though. Her and the boys are what keeps me goin’.’ He looked back towards the house where the boys had gone to sleep on the sofa inside. ‘I want them to not have to ever go through what we have. Ever.’

‘Damn straight.’ Flint came over and leaned on the porch railing, Ross next to him. He leaned on his arms and blinked up at Jim, dark doe eyes making Jim’s heart stutter just a little. He got up and walked to the railing and Ross leaned into him, drunk enough to really care about being seen. Jim smiled down at him and stroked his hair back from his face, catching a glimpse of Angie’s momentarily shocked look before he face schooled itself into a neutral expression. He stepped back, self-consciousness reasserting itself but Ross grumbled and grabbed for his arm and reeled him back in. 

‘Come back here, dammit.’ He pulled at Jim until he was back there and Jim gave in and let Ross loop both arms around him. 

‘I think maybe it’s time to sleep, Doc.’ he suggested and Flint yawned enormously. 

‘I second that.’ He grinned at them. ‘You boys can come in for breakfast when you make it out.’

‘Hang on, I want to say goodnight to Cherie first.’ Ross said. Angie had come up from the table and she smiled.

‘I’m just going to check on the boys.’ She rested her hand on LJ’s arm for a second and then went inside while Ross followed Demelza in so now it was just the three of them on the porch. 

‘Well, this has been fun.’ Flint went and leaned on LJ’s shoulder. ‘We’re just missing giraffe boy.’

‘He’s good.’ Jim hopped up to balance on the rail. ‘June’s an angel. I reckon they’ll be married before the end of the year.’

‘Good.’ Flint grinned and came to stand next to him. ‘We all still on for Christmas right?’

‘Sure.’ Jim nodded. ‘Hopefully we’ll have a house for you to stay in.’ He gave LJ a look. ‘Angie okay with all this? She looked kinda surprised just now.’

‘She’s fine.’ LJ assured him. ‘I warned her that you and Ross are a thing. It’s just the first time she’s seein’ it.’ He chuckled. ‘Damn, it’s good to see you two boys together in front of me.’ His black eyes were misty. ‘We all made it.’ He didn’t need to say anything else. Jim knew they were all thinking about Billy, who’d gone to Vietnam barely a man and never grown up past that. 

‘One more for the road?’ Flint asked and LJ nodded. 

‘Sure.’ he said and Flint went to retrieve three more beers from the tin bath they’d been cooling in. They cracked the tops and clinked the necks together. 

‘To 51.’ LJ said. 

‘To Susie.’ Jim corrected and Flint slung an arm around his neck. 

‘To the two craziest sons of bitches I know.’ He smiled, teeth flashing in the dark. ‘I always knew you’d get my ass back home.’

‘Like Dem wouldn’t have cut our balls off if we didn’t.’ Jim laughed. ‘Besides, you kept our ass in the air when we could have bought it many a time.’ 

‘Yeah.’ Flint nodded and then raised his bottle again. ‘To us.’

‘To us.’ LJ smiled. ‘I like that sentiment a whole lot, James.’ They all drank and Jim leaned in, head resting on Flint’s shoulder. 

‘I’m sure glad I got to fly with you.’ He looked at LJ. ‘All of you.’

‘Right back at you short stack.’ LJ said and winked at him. 

*********

Inside Demelza picked up Cherie and jiggled her. She’d woken up when they had come in to check on her and now she was wailing. 

‘She’s a grouch.’ she said to Ross, her face the picture of love as she kissed her screaming daughter’s face. 

‘She sounds like she’s got your lungs.’ Ross laughed and held out his arms. ‘Give her here, maybe I can do better.’

‘No need.’ Demelza said and sure enough, not a second later Flint was there. 

‘Oh baby girl.’ He handed Ross his beer. ‘What’s got you all in a spin, huh?’ He took Cherie from Demelza’s arms and started to rock her. Demelza came to loop her arm around Ross’ waist. 

‘Come on.’ She smiled at her husband and daughter as Flint started to croon gently, dancing around the nursery with Cherie in his arms. 

‘Let’s leave them to it.’ she murmured and Ross let her tow him away, Flint’s words low and soft in his ears. 

When they got to the porch, Angie was back and had one boy in her arms. LJ had the other, cradling his son against his shoulder. He held out a hand to Ross and Ross took it, squeezing rather than shaking. 

‘It was so good to see you, Doc.’ He said and Ross nodded. 

‘Christmas.’ He looked at Angie. ‘You’ll come down right?’

‘We sure will.’ Angie replied, her own smile warm. ‘Come on, honey.’ She started to move down off the porch. ‘Time to get the boys to bed. It was so nice to meet you both.’ There was nothing but sincerity on her voice and Ross moved to stand next to Jim as they left, LJ’s odd hopping gait the last thing they saw. 

‘It’s nice, having them just down the way.’ Demelza moved to lean between them and they both put an arm around her. ‘I wish like hell you were close enough to visit every day.’

‘It’s too damn cold up her.’ Jim kissed the top of her head. ‘And you should probably go in. WE can see ourselves to bed.’

‘You sure you’ll be alright in the van?’ Demelza asked and he nodded. 

‘Sure.’ He glanced at Ross. ‘Although he might disagree.’

‘I’ll be fine.’ Ross snorted. ‘I have been camping before.’

Jim laughed and let go of Demelza. 

‘Go in.’ he told her. ‘We’ll see you in the morning.’

‘Night.’ Demelza gave them both a kiss on the cheek and went inside, closing the door behind her. They left the porch and walked through the back yard into the drive, Jim opening up the door for Ross to get in. Once inside Ross took a good look around the van. The bed was spacious enough, made up with a comforter and pillows and he sat down on the edge. Jim toed off his shoes and socks and came to lie down next to him, tugging at Ross to follow. He got his own shoes off and lay down as well, arm above his head as Jim rolled onto his side to put his head on Ross’ shoulder. He got himself up on to one elbow and looked down at him, face in shadow. 

‘You have fun, baby?’ he asked and Ross reached up to stroke his hand against Jim’s face. 

‘It was nice.’ He meant it. Flint and LJ’s families had a warmth about them he’d never experienced before and it had made him feel really good. ‘I can’t wait for Christmas now.’ He ran a fingertip along Jim’s mouth. ‘Was is good to see them again.’

‘Real good.’ Jim said. ‘Made me feel a whole lot better to know they’re doin’ okay.’ He kissed Ross’ finger. ‘I worried.’

‘I know you did.’ Ross replied. ‘They’re your family.’ He leaned up, just a soft brush of lips before lying back down. ‘Just like you’re mine.’

Jim watched him steadily and then leaned down to him. This time the kiss held more weight, his mouth warm and firm against Ross’. Ross melted into it, hand coming up to curl at the back of Jim’s neck and hold him place. He didn’t want this to end, this feeling of deep contentment he now had just from having Jim close to him, alive and well and his.

Jim made a soft noise and tilted his head, deepening the kiss and licking at Ross’ mouth. Ross responded, their tongues brushing and their combined moans filling the space between them. He tightened his grip on Jim and pulled harder and Jim obliged, moving to lie on top of him, one thigh between Ross’ legs and braced on his elbows. Ross smiled into the kiss and hooked one are foot over Jim’s calf to keep him there, thrusting up just a little. He was getting hard quickly, his body conditioned to even the slightest bit of intimacy, even though they had nowhere to go now and no-one to interrupt them. 

Jim moaned and thrust down in turn, setting up a lazy rhythm that Ross matched effortlessly. The friction between them turned heated and Jim pulled back long enough to lick a wet line up Ross’ neck.

‘You sure you wanna do this out here, Doc?’ Ross could hear the laugh in his voice, his words warm and low. 

‘Dam sure.’ He murmured back. ‘I want you.’

‘You got me, baby.’ Jim looked at him, eyes dark. ‘Forever.’

Ross held his gaze and then pulled him back down, this time kissing him feverishly. He sank his fingers into Jim’s hair, tugging and opening his mouth to him for whatever Jim wanted to take from him.

Jim slid one hand under the hem of his shirt and Ross gasped into his mouth as he felt Jim’s fingers glancing over his skin. Jim fought his way up and Ross felt him lift his shirt, moving his arms so Jim could get it off of him before he did the same and Jim got up onto his knees, his hard cock obvious in his jeans, and yanked his t-shirt back over his head. He tossed it aside and got hold of Ross’ jeans, undoing the button and dragging the zipper down. Ross watched him, the way Jim’s eyes never left his as he dragged his jeans down, underwear going with it. He leaned in, dotting kissed over the ridges of Ross’ hipbones and looked back up him. 

‘What do you want, Doc?’ His voice was teasing. ‘You can have anything you want.’

Ross smiled at him, lost in how much he loved the man in front of him, and gave his head a gentle shove. 

‘You know what I want.’ He couldn’t help the happy laugh bubbling up in his voice. ‘Get to it, Hawk.’

‘Pushy.’ Jim snorted but he lowered his head and licked up Ross’ cock in one sure movement. He smiled, dimples shadows on his cheeks, and did it again and Ross closed his eyes and let himself fall head first into it, not holding back the moan that escaped when Jim flicked his tongue over the head. He dug his fingers into the comforter beneath his head and Jim laughed and took him all the way in, his warm wet mouth making Ross lose control of himself and arch up into it. 

Jim took it easily, setting up a steady rhythm and Ross whined through his nose, trying desperately to hang on and ride it out, but he was coming up far quicker than he’d meant to and he batted at Jim’s head, only to have his hands pushed away as Jim sucked hard on the way up and Ross made a strangled noise, coming in his mouth and falling back onto the bed, completely wiped out. 

Jim pulled off slowly, undoing his own jeans and taking himself in hand, his cock shiny at the head. Ross watched him spit into his hand and start jacking off over him, hand moving hard and fast and leaning on one hand until he moaned and came all over Ross’ stomach, his come warm on his exposed skin. He couldn’t help it, laughing as Jim collapsed down next to him, jeans still open and their dicks still out.

‘Classy.’ he snorted and Jim laughed with him, raising his hand to smack Ross in the shoulder.

‘Asshole.’ He replied. ‘Christ, I love you.’

‘Yeah?’ Ross looked at him. ‘You sure about that? I thought you wanted to kill me today.’

‘That’s because you’ve got the attention span of a child.’ Jim countered. He sat up and scouted around, grabbing Ross discarded t-shirt and cleaning off his hand. ‘Now are you going to go to sleep or do I have to fuck you quiet?’

‘I don’t know?’ Ross arched an eyebrow at him. ‘You think you can take me?’ 

Jim gave him a smile that had more than a touch of challenge in it. 

‘I think I got pretty good odds, Mr Touchdown.’ he replied and jumped on him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from My Cherie Amour by Stevie Wonder, which is the song Flint sings to his daughter :)


	24. California Dreamin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here we are, at the end of this story. I had grand plans but the boys told me that they just wanted to settle in and live happily ever after. So without further ado, thank you to everyone who read this and commented or left kudos. I hope you've loved it as much as I have. 
> 
> And because Linane is an amazing cheerleader and as big a sucker for a happy ending as I am, I dedicate this chapter to her and humbly submit it as my (hopefully) first fill for the Gathering Fiki Winter Raffle - I'd never thought I could be that happy.
> 
> Because our boys deserve all the happiness they can get.

Ross woke up to the sound of waves and the smell of Jim in his nose. He was still tangled up in the comforter on the bed in the back of Jim’s van, his body aching from overuse and his head full of happy thoughts. 

They were one day out from Jim’s home, stopped at a tiny beach side camping ground that had only a scattering of sites, an ablutions block built from old timber boards and a long stretch of beach that had had Jim salivating the second he saw its right hand break. He’d been in the water before Ross could say a thing and had stayed there pretty much all day and through to the evening, finally coming back in with wet hair and stars in his eyes as he shook himself like a dog all over Ross. The lack of neighbours had led to a very loud night, the van rocking as Jim decided that they needed to get as much out of their systems as possible before getting home and having to act reasonably civilised around Rob. 

Ross had loved their time together, the long stretches of road lending themselves to extended conversations and nights in motels where possible. He was sure that he and Jim had never talked so much and it had been like a reawakening as they learned each other in a way that they’d never had the time to in Vietnam. He lay still and let his body wake up slowly, stretching and then leaning up enough to peer out the front between the seats. The day looked clear and he wondered how long Jim had been out for. 

He managed to find his shorts and a t-shirt that didn’t have come on it and pulled them on, then got up and opened the back door. The sunlight was a little blinding and he held up a hand to shield his eyes before stepping out and wandering to the edge of the grassy flat they had parked on. The beach was pretty much deserted but Ross could just make out Jim bobbing on the waves. 

He went back to the van and cleared up in the back, making the bed and grabbing some clean clothes and his wash bag before going to the ablutions block. He had a quick wash under the makeshift shower, brushed his teeth and walked back. They had stopped at a tiny store the day before for food and he scrambled some eggs and made some toast over the gas cooker before taking it out to eat, sitting down on the verge that head down to the beach and watched Jim surfing while he drank some coffee from a tin mug and contemplated that this was the happiest he had ever felt.

He was busy washing up when he heard a whistle and looked to see Jim coming across the grass, board under his arm. He was wet through, gold hair dark with water and his tanned skin beaded so it caught the light. His puka shells were around his neck and he looked like a typical surfer boy except for Ross’ dog tags that he also wore.

‘Hey.’ He smiled at Ross, dimples out. ‘You eat already?’

‘Yeah.’ Ross returned the smile. ‘You want me to make you some?’

‘Sure.’ Jim replied and then started drying himself off, wrapping the towel around his waist and dressing with an efficiency that spoke of extensive practice. ‘I thought we could get goin’ once you were awake. We can get to Eureka by nightfall if we do.’

‘Okay.’ Ross started on Jim’s breakfast. ‘I’m looking forward to an actual bed.’ He grinned at Jim’s frown. ‘Not that this hasn’t been fun, but you kick.’

‘Only because you snore.’ Jim retorted and accepted his own mug of coffee. Ross smiled and wished he could kiss him, but the family down from them was also up and he didn’t want a screaming mother accusing him of being a pervert this early in the morning. 

They sat together in the door of the van after Jim had finished eating, bouncing a cigarette while they drank the rest of the coffee. Jim leaned into him and Ross slung an arm around his neck, a gesture that wouldn’t draw too much attention if spotted. 

‘You want me to drive?’ he asked and Jim shook his head. 

‘No, it’s cool. I know these roads anyway.’ He turned his head and Ross counted the freckles across his nose. ‘When we find a payphone, I’m gonna stop and call my dad. He can make dinner.’  
They packed the van up and got in, taking the single lane road that led back down to the interstate. Jim turned the radio on and they both sang under their breath. Ross had his arm out the window, right hand catching the air as he watched the sea sparkle through the trees. 

‘It’s so pretty here.’ he said. ‘You were right.’

‘Told you.’ Jim sounded just the littlest bit smug. ‘West coast is better.’

Ross laughed and settled into his seat, closing his eyes behind his sunglasses. The drive took a quiet turn, the only sound the distinctive sound of the engine and Jim’s low voice. The time went by, the 101 taking them right along the coast with the ocean on their shoulder as they made their way to Eureka. Jim stopped at Newport so they could have a snack mid morning and they ate at a tiny place just off the beach. Then it was back in the van and driving down the interstate again. There wasn’t much in the way of towns, just tiny hamlets and settlements that sometimes counted only a few houses and the occasional trailer park. 

It was almost one when Ross saw the sign off to the left and something twisted in his stomach. Jim caught his look and then turned off onto the dirt road. Ross looked at him in surprise and Jim grinned. 

‘I can always turn around.’ he said and Ross shook his head, face lighting up like a Christmas tree. 

‘No.’ He was insistent ‘You made the turn, now you have to follow through.’ He hadn’t felt this excited since he was a kid, practically bouncing in his seat. 

Jim laughed but he kept driving, getting to the end of the road where the trees gave way to a rocky ledge above a stretch of beach. Even from here, Ross could only stare at the natural beauty that was laid out in front of him and he half fell out the van as he scrambled to get a better look. The beach was deserted, the sand arching around the rocks in one perfect unbroken line. He inhaled deeply and took on the air, salty and rick with conifer and fresh off the ocean. 

‘What do you think?’ Jim asked, coming up next to him, hands in his pockets and smug look on his face. ‘It’s fucking amazing, right?’

‘Yeah.’ Ross watched the play of sunlight off water as the breakers foamed around the rocks. ‘It’s incredible.’

‘This is just the one side.’ Jim said. ‘Moonrise in on the other but we gotta go through Trinidad first. Maybe later in the week we can come up and I’ll take you to the forestry station. ‘ He grinned. ‘You can meet my new girl.’ 

*******

They stopped for lunch in Trinidad, a tiny settlement rather than a town with one main street and a handful of houses clustered around. Jim took Ross to a tiny diner in one of the buildings along the main street and Ross looked around him at the interior that looked like it hadn’t been updated since the forties. They sat in a booth and a few minutes later a middle aged waitress with dyed platinum blond hair and a bright smile came out to them. 

‘Jim.’ She smiled at him. ‘You back?’

‘Next week.’ Jim replied. ‘I had to go pick up a friend.’ He nodded across the table. ‘This is Ross, Delia. He’s just got out of Levenworth.’ 

‘Well, now ain’t that nice.’ Delia turned the beam on Ross. ‘You army, honey?’

‘Med corps.’ he replied. 

‘Oh, a doctor.’ Delia looked impressed. ‘You boys hungry or just coffee?’

Ross gave Jim a look. 

‘You seem to be a regular.’ He grinned. ‘What do you recommend?’

‘Two specials.’ Jim handed Delia the menus. ‘And a couple of sodas. We still gotta drive through to Eureka.’

‘Comin’ right up.’ Delia sashayed away and Ross watched her in ill-concealed delight.

‘This place is great.’ he hissed. ‘I feel like I’m in a time warp.’

‘Yeah, ain’t it?’ Jim crinkled his nose as he smiled. ‘I love it and the food’s incredible.’

Delia came back over with two plates of lasagne and salad, setting them down and then doing the same with their sodas. 

‘I thought you were off until next week.’ She said and Jim nodded. 

‘I’m getting’ Ross settled in. He’s stayin’ with me and my dad for a while.’ he said. ‘Until he finds a job.’ 

‘Must be your lucky day, then.’ Delia looked smug. ‘You know Doc Harwood just told Abi and Mike that he’s thinking of retiring at Christmas.’ She looked at Ross. ‘Unless you’re headin’ somewhere a little less backwater.’

‘No.’ Ross’ ears had perked up. ‘He’s your local?’

‘Has been for thirty-years.’ Delia said. ‘He’s got a practice down on Shore Avenue. Jim knows where.’

She left them to eat and Ross saw that Jim was smiling, his dimples deep.

‘Well, ain’t that handy.’ He raised his eyebrows at Ross. ‘You should go talk to him. If you want, that is.’

‘Are you kidding?’ Ross’ mind was now whirling. ‘It’s Saturday though. He’ll be off.’

‘So?’ Jim was attacking his lasagne. ‘We can come back up on Monday. This kinda feels like fate.’

‘Yeah.’ Ross said and then turned to his food, the glorious smell finally distracting him.

**********

After lunch, Jim stopped at the coastguard station so they could look down over the rocks before they walked down to the long pier that stretched out into the sea and ran past one of the huge rocks that stood out from the bluff. The sun was bright, sparkling off the water and they gravitated towards each other as they seemed to do now, shoulders bumping as they walked to the end. 

‘So what do you think?’ Jim asked as they leaned on the rail at the ends and watched people on the beach below them, smoking and enjoying the sun. ‘You think you could stick around this place? It ain’t gonna be too quiet for you, city boy?’

‘I like quiet.’ Ross smiled at him, fingers itching to pulls Jim’s curls out of his eyes as they were blown across his face by the light breeze coming off the water. ‘And I’d go anywhere you did.’ He looked back out over the water. ‘It’d be nice, having our own place. Not having to pretend or keep my hands off you.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim turned so he was leaning back against the rail, blue-green eyes sparkling at him. ‘You can start lookin’ for a place next week if you want. When I go back to work.’

‘I’d like that.’ Ross straightened up. ‘I know it’s been great this past week but I’m kind of itching to get back to work.’

‘You’ll regret that.’ Jim grinned. ‘This probably the only time on your life that you’re going to be able to do fuck all.’

‘I know.’ Ross shrugged. ‘Guess I’m just not built that way.’ 

They ambled back down towards the parking lot, getting back in the van and driving out through Trinidad and back down towards Moonrise. Ross was on the ocean side and then he spotted something. 

‘Slow down.’ he said and pointed and Jim obliged, peering at what Ross had pointed out. 

‘That’s new.’ He gave Ross a questioning look. ‘You want to go see?’

‘Yeah.’ Ross was grinning. ‘Might as well go two for two, right?’

‘Okay.’ Jim turned the van down the side road that bore the hand painted For Sale sign and the van was jostled by the dirt track as he took them through the trees. The brush was thick on either side and then it suddenly opened up, a level stretch of land in front of them with a low built timber frame house coming into sight. 

Jim stopped the van and they got out, shading their eyes as they took in the house. It wasn’t the grandest of residences, constructed of clapboard that was set above the ground on stilts. It was painted a faded green, weathered by the elements and peeling in places, with white shutters. It was set out overlooking Moonrise beach below them and they circled around to see that the back of the cottage came out onto a deck wit steps coming down to the lawn and floor to ceiling windows. It seemed a good size and Ross turned, excitement now shining in his dark eyes. 

‘Holy shit.’ He smiled at Jim. ‘Do you think the gods are smiling on us?’

‘It’s about damn time.’ Jim wasn’t even looking at the cottage. Instead he was walking towards where the lawn in front of them dropped off, another set of stairs leading down towards the beach. He had that gorgeously distracted look on his face that Ross knew happened in the face of the ocean and he trotted after him. They got to the edge and saw that the steps came right down onto the sand. 

‘Fuck.’ Jim breathed, his face reverent. ‘It’s right fucking there.’ His look of complete and utter delight was what cinched it and Ross knew that whatever it took, he needed to but this house for him. For both of them. 

‘You want it babe?’ he asked and Jim turned, dimples on show. 

‘You gonna buy me a house, Doc?’ he asked but his emotions were belied the gentle sarcasm. 

‘I’d buy you the goddamn moon if you wanted.’ Ross retorted and then threw caution to the wind, getting him around the waist and hauling him in, kissing him hard enough to make Jim’s breathing go out of kilter. He wriggled away, an uncharacteristic flush setting into his cheeks. 

‘You asshole.’ He sounded ridiculously happy. ‘You can’t do that out in the goddamn open.’

‘Why the hell not.’ Ross laughed, refusing to let him escape. ‘There’s no-one here.’ He got Jim in a firm hold and looked down at him, letting himself get lost in those ocean eyes. Jim stared right back at him, mouth quirking. 

‘You love me?’ It was tinged with wickedness. 

‘Yeah.’ Ross nosed at him and this time the kiss was lingering, brushes of tongue taking it just this side of fit for public consumption. They parted and he licked long Jim’s lower lip. ‘Hey, you want to get back in the van?’

Jim’s eyes went comically wide and then he was laughing and pulling Ross along behind him, and Ross went as if led by the nose. By the time they got to the van, they were both breathless with laughter and lust and fell inside, slamming the door and shutting out the world for a little while. 

‘Come here.’ Jim said, grabbing Ross and shoving him onto the bed. Ross fell over, laughing as he wriggled back and yanked Jim down after him. 

‘You’ve turned me into an exhibitionist.’ He felt his heart skip as Jim braced himself over him, curls in his eyes. ‘Fucking in the middle of the day.’

‘All I needed was to give you a little push in the right direction.’ Jim was grinning as he reached back and pulled off his t-shirt. ‘Now get your fucking clothes off.’ 

Ross wriggled out of his shirt and shorts, kicking them off the end of the bed before getting his hands on Jim’s jeans, undoing them and sliding a hand down the front. Jim was already hard, his cock a familiar weight in Ross’ hand and he squeezed lightly. Jim huffed at him, tugging Ross’ shorts down and off. 

‘Look at you.’ His eyes raked Ross from head to toe. ‘I never get tired of seeing you like this, Doc.’

‘Yeah?’ Ross let his head fall back, knowing Jim wouldn’t be able to resist the invitation and smiling when he came down over him. His jeans were still on, the fabric rasping at the insides of Ross’ thighs, and he lowered until he could kiss him. It was passionate, Jim controlling the kiss and licking into Ross’ mouth with intent. Ross opened up and let him have at it, more than happy to play along. He was in the mood to be fucked hard and Jim made a happy little growling sound as he bit at Ross’ lower lip. 

‘Turn over.’ He moved back up enough so Ross could flip over and then ran a possessive hand up Ross’ spine, sparking heat as his fingers trailed over bare skin. It was hot enough in the van that Ross could already feel himself sweating, the moisture on his skin easing the track of Jim’s caress. It was followed by Jim’s tongue, the wet slide making Ross’ toes curl. He smiled into the pillow under his face and spread his legs to accommodate Jim as he settled in. He had one hand still on Ross’ back, dotting butterfly kisses across the small of his back. 

‘You want this, Doc?’ His voice was low and warm. ‘You want me to fuck you in broad daylight?’

‘Shut up and get to it.’ Ross glanced at him over his shoulder, seeing how Jim’s pupils were blown. His eyes burned as he went back down and Ross whined at the first touch of his tongue on him. He’d been sceptical the first time they’d done this, but now he was well and truly addicted and he moaned as Jim started to use his tongue on him more surely, long languid licks that made him pant and strain against the bunched up comforter underneath him. The friction on his cock was delicious, but he was also in no hurry to get where he needed to be and so he simply lay there and enjoyed the attention being paid to him. 

Jim took his time, opening him up slowly with his tongue and fingers until Ross was wet with saliva and panting hard. He wrestled himself onto his elbows, back arching as he pushed back into Jim’s mouth and Jim responded, easing his tongue into him and making Ross bite back a cry. He pulled back, replacing his tongue with two fingers, twisting and curling them gently to find just the right place and pressing in teasingly.

‘You’re still loose.’ His words were almost lost in Ross’ skin. ‘You feel really fucking good.’

Ross hummed in reply, too far gone to really articulate anymore. He gasped as Jim honed in, the pressure on his prostate persistent enough that he was flying up quickly. 

‘Jim…’ He could barely get that out, sinking back down again as Jim licked around his fingers. 

‘You want it, baby?’ He smiled against Ross’ skin. ‘You want me inside you?’

‘Please…’ Ross tried again and this time was rewarded by an easing in pressure before Jim withdrew and then there was the sound of him shucking his jeans before he came back, digging around in the comforter until he found the lube. There was the sound of him slicking himself up, the residue on his fingers wiped off on Ross before he guided himself in, moving in one sure stroke until he was buried to the hilt, the burn barely present as Ross moaned and bore down around him. It made Jim swear and bite playfully at the back of his neck. 

He started moving, hips undulating to drive him deep and Ross tipped his head to the side, letting go and closing his eyes as he got lost in the sustained rhythm that made Jim’s cock glide in over his prostate with every thrust. Ross hissed through his teeth, grabbing the comforter in both hands.

‘You’re so fucking good at this.’ He felt shameless like this, not caring that it was the middle of the day or that he was getting his ass reamed in the back of a van. A stray thought drifted through his mind that his parents would be horrified to know what he was not getting up to and he had to stifle a snigger. 

‘Shut up you asshole.’ Jim was laughing with him. 

‘How do you even know what I’m laughing at?’ Ross was shaking, and the way it jostled Jim inside him felt strangely good. He groaned, dropping back down and Jim got onto his knees and hauled Ross back up, driving in hard enough to choke the laughter right out of him.

‘Yeah, that’s right baby.’ Jim sounded smug. ‘I know how to shut you up.’ He snapped his hips, now back in control and he kept the pace frantic enough that in seconds Ross was yelping into the pillow. He threw a hand back to grip Jim’s thigh, urging him on and Jim braced himself over him on his hands, now going at it like he was desperate. It was enough to get Ross the rest of the way and his whole body shuddered as he came hard enough to throw him right of himself for a few seconds before Jim fell forward and followed right behind him, his own cry drowning Ross out. They stayed like that for a little while, their breathing steadying until Jim pulled out and toppled over, smiling at Ross as they looked at each other. Ross smiled back, reaching out to stroke Jim’s sweat matted curls from his eyes.

‘You’re a terrible influence on me.’ he said and Jim laughed. 

‘You love me.’ He said it with complete self-assurance and Ross rolled over enough to kiss him. 

‘I do.’ he replied. ‘More than I could ever tell you.’ 

‘Yeah?’ Jim’s eyes were shining. ‘Enough to buy me a house on my favourite beach?’

‘Of course.’ Ross grinned. ‘You know it’s win-win, right? Happy you means I get fucked whenever I want.’

‘Christ.’ Jim threw an arm up over his eyes. ‘I’ve created a monster.’

**********

Afterwards, they got dressed again and went back out onto the road. Ross sat back in his seat, feeling smug and happy with one hand out the window to catch the air. The van reeked of semen and sweat and Jim had a loose happy smile. He was smoking, cigarette dangling from his fingers and blowing the stream out into the air. 

‘You’re gonna have to curb yourself when we get home.’ He said. ‘I don’t think Rob’s quite ready to hear us fucking in the room next to him.’

‘Me?’ Ross pretended to be outraged. ‘Hey, I was a paragon of moral rectitude before I met you.’

‘Uh huh?’ Jim grinned. ‘You sayin’ I corrupted you, Doc.’

‘Hell yeah.’ Ross let out a deeply satisfied sigh. ‘In the best possible way.’

They rode in silence for another hour until the trees gave way to suburbs and then they were going past a sign that said Eureka and Ross sat up to take in the surroundings. The town was quaint, the buildings unassuming and the houses all the same clapboard cottage style that seemed to be the hallmark of Northern California beach towns. 

‘We’re down past the pier.’ Jim was explaining. ‘But we’re real close to the beach.’

‘Which is the most important thing.’ Ross teased, delighted with the glare he got. 

Jim snorted at him, turning into a side street and then stopping outside a white house, the window trim a cheery yellow. 

‘This is it.’ He announced and Ross felt the butterflies in his stomach swirl to life from where they’d been making me feel low key anxious the second they’d hit Eureka. He ran a hand through his hair, hoping like hell he was presentable. Jim was already out the van, walking to open the front gate. Ross got out his side, now hearing barking. He moved from behind the van as the front door opened and then the screen door was thrown back by a man that was clearly Jim’s father. 

Rob Hawkins was taller than Jim, but he had the same dark gold hair and tanned complexion. His hair was cut working class short and he was dressed in faded jeans and white tee with an old plaid shirt thrown over it. He looked far younger than his fifty years, and as Ross approached he watched as he caught Jim in a hug, genially slapping his son’s shoulder. 

‘Hey kid. ‘He had the same soft Californian inflection that Jim did. ‘You have a good trip?’

‘Yeah.’ Jim was smiling and Rob’s answering one had exactly the same dimples. ‘I also picked up a hitchhiker along the way.’

That was Ross’ cue and he moved through the gate, hand outstretched. 

‘Rob.’ He smiled. ‘It’s nice to finally meet you.’

‘Likewise, Ross.’ Rob replied and the completely astonished Ross by hauling him into the same warm bear hug that he’d just given Jim. ‘And I figure me being practically your damn father-in-law negates the need to shake hands.’ 

Ross didn’t know what to say. Coming from a family where physical affection was in limited supply had made him a reserved adult and Jim and Demelza were really the only two people he was completely comfortable with touching, and this blatant show of affection caught him off guard. Rob’s arms were strong and he held on to Ross in a way that his own father never had.

He looked over Rob’s shoulder to see Jim standing there, a small smile on his face that told Ross he was more than pleased with this introduction. 

‘Just go with it.’ He mouthed and Ross put his trust in him and did, lifting his own arms and returning the gesture. Rob eventually let him go, stepping back and putting his hands on Ross’ shoulders as he gave him a good long stare, obviously sizing him up. 

‘You sure know how to pick ‘em, kid.’ He was grinning. ‘You’re going to have to keep him away from the sewing circle because once they get a look at him, every damn unmarried daughter in a twenty mile radius is going to be dropping by with cookies.’ 

‘Let ‘em.’ Jim’s smile was wolfish. ‘I saw him first.’

Rob chuckled and gave Ross’ face a gentle slap. 

‘Good luck, Ross.’ He threw his son an amused look over his shoulder. ‘I don’t know what possessed you to hook up with that one, but I salute your bravery.’

‘Gee thanks, Dad.’ Jim drawled. He laughed as the barking inside grew frantic. ‘You should have let him out.’

‘There’s a reason I didn’t.’ Rob replied, throwing an arm around Ross’ shoulders. ‘Come on, let’s get you inside. I’m sure being cooped up in a van with Jim for the best part of the last week has given you a new appreciation for freedom.’ He guided Ross to the porch and up the steps. ‘Jim, you can grab your things later. I got something for you both.’

‘Really?’ Jim looked openly curious. ‘What?’

‘You’ll see.’ Rob opened the front door and ushered Ross in. ‘Welcome to Chez Hawkins, Ross. I hope you like it here. It ain’t much but it’s ours.’

‘I like it just fine.’ Ross replied, smiling. The interior of the house was just as cheery as the outside, worn sofas and hardwood floors and as he got on there was a happy bark and he was suddenly being bowled over by a black Labrador with a tail that was wagging so fast that it was almost a blur.

‘That’s Blackbeard.’ Rob said. ‘He’s been babysittin’.’

‘Babysitting?’ Jim asked as he came in and closed the door behind him. ‘Who’s he been babysittin?’

Ross frowned as the sound of a plaintive high pitched whining reached their ears.

‘I got you boys a welcome home gift.’ Rob was grinning, looking immensely pleased with himself. ‘I reckoned you’d only be here until you got your own place, however long that might be, but it would do you good to have someone to take with you.’

The whining was coming from a room at the back of the house and Jim made a beeline for it. Ross gently pushed Blackbeard’s nose from his crotch and followed. The light colour scheme and generally mismatched décor extended into the kitchen, the counters a cheerful pale green formica and the walls white. On the floor of the kitchen was what looked like a child’s playpen with several blankets folded up inside. It was what was in the playpen that had captured Jim’s attention though and he made a happy noise and dove right in with both hands, coming back out with a puppy. 

‘Mindy Freeburg’s bitch had ‘em about a three months ago.’ Rob explained. ‘I was pretty down because I thought they were all gone, but then it turned out one of the kids that had taken one was allergic and had to give him back.’ He scratched the puppy’s head. ‘So Mindy called and asked if I still wanted one a couple of days ago.’ 

‘He’s great.’ Jim’s entire face had lit up. ‘Ain’t he, Ross?’ He was nuzzling the puppy, a small ball of coppery red fluff with white paws, chest and muzzle. There was even a white spot on the tip of his tail. 

‘I figured a dog that likes the water.’ Rob said. ‘But I also didn’t know if Ross would do any huntin’ while he was down here so he’s kind of the best of both worlds.’

‘What is he?’ Ross asked, already smitten when the puppy licked Jim’s nose and the squirmed with glee when Jim kissed him on the snout. 

‘Toller.’ Rob replied. ‘Mindy’s from up that way, moved down here when she married Bill and bought her dogs with her.’ He petted Blackbeard where the Labrador was now pressed against his thigh. ‘These two have made good friends.’ He looked at his son. ‘You gonna give him a name?’

Jim looked at Ross and then grinned. 

‘You want to do the honours?’ he asked. Ross moved, sinking his fingers into the soft fur on the puppy’s flank. 

‘How about Bali?’ he asked and Jim’s dimples deepened. It was a word that never failed to bring back wonderful memories and the realisation that they were playing for keeps.

‘Bali.’ He held the puppy up and it blinked its dark eyes at him. ‘Sounds good to me.’

‘All right then.’ Rob clapped his hands together. ‘Now, Jim you go get the shit out the van. Ross is going to have a beer with me while I give him the grand tour.’

‘Why the hell do I have to carry everything?’ Jim grumbled, handing Bali over to Ross. 

‘Because he’s the damn guest.’ Rob cuffed him gently across the back of his head. ‘Now get.’

Jim left them alone, still muttering about slave driver fathers as he went back out to the van. Rob chuckled again and walked to the icebox, retrieving two beers and opening the back door. 

‘Come on.’ He beckoned and Ross followed him out into a neatly lawned back yard, a barbeque on one side with several lawn chairs scattered around. It was lit and there was a cooler set down next to it. 

‘I figured you boys would stop for lunch so I aimed for around now.’ Rob explained. ‘I got some nice swordfish steaks from the boat this morning.’ He took one of the seats, handing a beer to Ross. Ross followed suit, balancing Bali on his lap as he cracked his beer and Rob did the same. Blackbeard came and collapsed at his feet, and Rob rubbed his belly with one bare foot as he took a pack of smokes from his pocket and offered it to Ross. 

Ross took it, thanking him and lighting Rob’s before he lit his own. 

‘This is nice.’ he said. ‘Your home.’

‘Rose and I got this just after we got married.’ Rob said. ‘Jim was actually born in this house. We didn’t quite expect the little bugger to show up when he did.’ His face changed a little. ‘Rose also died here. It was her favourite place on earth.’ He sighed softly. ‘When she was sick, we used to put her out in the yard with a lap blanket and the radio.’

‘What was it?’ Ross asked. Jim had never said and he’d never asked.

‘Cancer.’ Rob shifted in his seat. ‘I can tell you, she woulda loved you though.’ His smile widened once more. ‘She’d be real proud Jim caught himself a doctor.’

‘Thank you.’ Ross couldn’t help but smile, feeling so completely at ease it frightened him a little. Then again, he and Rob weren’t exactly strangers. ‘And thank you also for letting me stay here with you. It’s very kind.’

‘Nonsense.’ Rob replied. ‘It’s a pleasure to have you and besides, you stitched my kid back together and got him home to me. What else could I do?’

‘Yeah, well he’s all that I’ve got.’ Ross said. ‘I mean I got family back in Boston, but they wouldn’t understand.’ He picked at the label on his beer. ‘I mean the two of us.’

‘Most wouldn’t.’ Rob sighed. ‘I just want my boy to be happy and you make him that way. It’s incentive enough for me to be all right with this.’ He shrugged. ‘I understand it’s on the down low so you’ll never have to worry about me blabbing either.’

Ross gave him a grateful smile and they sat in silence a few moments, smoking and enjoying their beers. 

‘I meant it.’ Rob’s voice was softer. ‘About giving him back to me. I can never thank you enough for that.’

‘It wasn’t just me.’ Ross found himself saying. ‘Your son saved me too. I went to Vietnam because I was lost and now I’m not anymore.’

‘Good.’ Rob looked at him with eyes that were darker than Jim’s but now less kind. ‘This is your home now, Ross. For as long as you want it.’

The steaks went on the grill and Ross went inside to find Jim, leaving Rob playing babysitter with Bali while Blackbeard lounged around. 

He got to the rooms at the side of the house, two bedrooms and a bathroom. Jim was in the one that looked out onto the street. It was compact, the newly acquired double bed taking up most of the space. It was painted blue, the bookshelf in the corner cluttered with books and shells and surmounted by something that looked very familiar. He walked over immediately, running his fingers over the surface and turning it to see the airbrushed hawk and the painted words. 

‘You bought it back with you.’ He said and then spotted the picture frame next to it. It had been taken on the beach, the two of them their swimming trunks and shirtless with their arms around each other’s shoulders, dog tags catching the sun. 

‘I’ve got all the others set away.’ Jim came up behind him, arms sliding around Ross’ waist and he leaned back into Jim’s sturdy frame. ‘That one is pretty innocuous if anyone’s sees it.’ 

‘I remember that day.’ Ross smiled. It had been a rare day of sunshine and quiet, no runs or trauma or casualties to have to deal with. They’d been on the beach for most of the day, laughing and swimming because the waves were nothing but mush. They were both brown as berries, their faces full of happiness even though they were sitting in a war zone and then next day would see them right back in the blood and the pain. 

‘I’m so happy you’re here.’ Jim’s voice had dropped to a whisper. ‘I never thought we’d make it.’ 

Ross linked their fingers together, squeezing his hand. 

‘See?’ he smiled. ‘I always knew we would.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim smiled against his shoulder. ‘You’re a man of faith, Doc.’

‘No.’ Ross replied. ‘I just knew I love you too much to ever let you go.’ He turned in Jim’s arms, taking his face in his hands. ‘You’re kind of it for me.’

Jim smiled at him, eyes shining. 

‘I love you too, Doc.’ he murmured. ‘So damn much.’ He moved onto his toes and the brief kiss went straight to Ross’ heart. 

‘Boys?’ Rob’s voice drifted in. ‘Come on, steaks are almost done.’

‘We better go.’ Jim smiled. ‘Pick this up later.’

‘No.’ Ross told him. ‘Not with your dad next door.’ 

‘Fraidy cat.’ Jim laughed and took his hand, tugging Ross after him. 

**********

The sun went down slowly, its brilliant shades of orange and red and pink making Ross think of Vietnam and the sunrise over Chu Lai beach. 

Rob and Jim had a relaxed repartee going, their mutual exchange marked by the indentical way they spoke and gestured. It made Ross smile when he remembered his mother exhorting him to look carefully at Mrs Chynoweth to see what Elizabeth would be like when she got older. Now looking at Rob, he couldn’t help thinking the same and it made him happy to imagine that Jim would be like his father. Rob was a good man, kind and cheerful. His deep laugh came frequently and Ross was now completely at ease in his company. 

They were all sitting spread out in the lawn chairs. Bali was on Jim’s lap sleeping and Blackbeard had given up and gone inside to curl up on his spot on the couch. Jim was busy telling Rob the story of the time he had to fly Ross to deliver a baby and Rob was chuckling. His face was illuminated by the string of coloured lights that ran along the edge of the roof, reminding Ross of the 91st and the stretch of grass where he used to sit with Dwight, looking up as Susie Q came over the bluff. 

It was going on for ten when they decided to call it a night. Rob got up, stretching and yawning as he excused himself. Ross stayed to help Jim gather up the empties and put them in the crate to be returned, then they doused the embers in the barbeque. Jim took Bali into the house, putting him in his playpen to sleep. Ross waited for him in the kitchen and they cleaned up, both of them silent in their tasks. Once they were done, Jim took his hand and led him to his bedroom, drawing him inside and closing the door. 

Ross sat down, watching him get his uniform ready for the next day. 

‘I’m sorry we kept you up.’ he said and Jim smiled. 

‘I can survive on surprisingly little sleep.’ He grinned. ‘Besides, I spent enough time lying on my ass in the hospital.’ He hung everything up and then came over to the bed, hands on Ross’ shoulders as he positioned himself between his feet. Ross wrapped his arms around Jim’s waist and looked up at him, humming happily when Jim scratched his fingers through his hair. ‘What are you gonna do tomorrow?’

‘I might just go lie on the beach.’ Ross teased. ‘Make like a surfer.’

‘You can borrow a board.’ Jim laughed. ‘Although you’ll probably end up on your ass.’

Ross tightened his grip, in love with the way Jim’s eyes were bright and his smile relaxed and happy. He hadn’t realised just how much it meant to him to see him like that, but seeing him here with his father had brought it all home. 

‘You’re happy.’ He rested his chin against Jim’s chest. ‘This place, your dad, all of it is where you should be.’

‘And you.’ Jim ran his thumb over Ross’ eyebrow. ‘You’re what makes it perfect. Before you, I didn't believe that people like us could get to have this. I'd think about my folks and what they had and I'd kind of resigned myself to never finding that. I'd never thought I could be that happy.’ He leaned down enough to meet Ross for a kiss. ‘But then I found you, and it all made sense to me. And I know that without you, none of this would have meant half as much as it does knowing I can share it with you.’ He smiled and moved away, breaking Ross’ hold. ‘But |I have to get my ass back to Trinidad in the morning tomorrow, so we gotta go go to sleep.’

They undressed and brushed their teeth, jostling each other playfully as they shared the cramped space of the bathroom. Jim did one last check on Bali while Ross went into the room. 

He’d called Verity earlier in the evening and she’d made him promise to take pictures of Eureka and Jim and Rob, making happy noises when he’d told her about his warm reception. The next day he’d do the same with Dwight and Caroline and maybe organise to go down and see them in Frisco once he got settled. He’d already volunteered to walk and feed the dogs the next morning, as well as go to the store for Rob and he had ideas about exploring what would now be his new home. 

He got into bed and shuffled across so he was next to the wall, seeing as Jim had to get up first. He and Rob would be up and out before seven and that meant that Ross could sleep in. He listened for the sounds of Jim moving around the house, could hear the creak of bedsprings in the next room as Blackbeard got onto the bed with Rob. 

A few moment slater, Jim came back. He came to slide in next to Ross and they assumed their normal positions, forgotten after so many months apart but reclaimed easily enough, and they settled in together. Jim sighed, one arm tucked under the pillow and the other up by his chest. Ross was on his side behind him, his own body curved into the line of Jim’s back and one hand resting on his hip.  
His mind flicked back to a time when he’d been sitting on a beach, watching Jim surf in the rain and daydreaming about a life together with a dog and a house and happiness. 

Jim seemed to notice, elbowing him gently. 

‘You okay back there, Doc?’ he asked and Ross kissed the back of his neck and stuck his nose in Jim’s hair. 

‘I am now.’ he replied and closed his eyes.


End file.
